JOHNNY LETDOWN! THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!

Johnny Letdown Mobbed!  And not By Browns Fans!  JETS AND TITANS IN BASEBALL GAME!  RAIDERS BACK ON TOP! NFC SOUTH CONTINUES TO CHALLENGE US! ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET TROPHY! WE'RE IN THE NY TIMES (sort of)!

Yes, there was an article in the NY Times about Fantasy football leagues now starting to be all about who has the worst team.  We've been doing it for SIX YEARS now, folks, you're just now figuring out that there is far more failure in football than success?  Football is all about failure- so few plays actually work.  It's the operating principle. Somebody give us some props!!

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 15
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-12              254      367     -113

Washington     3-11              257      370     -113 
Chicago           5-9              296       409      -113

NY Giants        5-9               317      339      -22

Atlanta            5-9               348      369      -21

*playing tonight!

AFC             

Oakland           2-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     2-12            211       376     -165

Tennessee        2-12            231       390    -159         

NY Jets            3-11            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-7              276       300     -24

THE GAMES

BROWNS 0, BENGALS 30

I understand now. Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslem is way ahead of us.  The Browns benched struggling QB Brian Hoyer for the biggest game of the Browns season because they had a rookie QB who was ready and rarin' to do everything wrong! Hoyer's poor footwork? Pish posh! How about frantic chaos instead? The Johnny Letdown era began with a thunderous thud (the sound of Brownie fans slamming their heads against any available surface):  5 first downs!  107 total net yards of empty offense! On the run and looking scared! 1-10 on 3rd down, a couple interceptions, and NO points.  Oh, my the Browns are back to .500 and getting ready for their photo-op out by our BBQ! 

  

But let's go upstairs- it wasn't Johnny's idea to be put in a must-win game late in the season against a bitter rival- it was the coach and the Bosses of Blank Helmet Football. The Brownie Way has never been more clearly articulated on the field as yesterday.  Reverse Engineering to the bottom of the pile. 

So, yes, Johnny No-Touchdowns came on big, big, big, but  the whole team bungled their way through this one, and now they only have to tank two more games (looks like a snap right now!!), and the Beloved Brownie Blank Hats of the Bumbling Basement will be right back home with us at 7-9.

RRRRAIDERS 13, CHIEFS 31

Yesterday's palindrome game featured this season high in punts-  ELEVEN by Marquette King. If not for the charity drives donated by KC during garbage time, it could have been 13. The Chiefs are always willing to keep a game within reach of any Doormat team. But the Raiders came out after half time and, despite one quick KC turnover, got masterfully blown out yet again a week after a victory. The loss puts them back in first in the Doormat AFC. There is an art to suddenly diving all 11 guys on defense up to the line of scrimmage and turning a 3 yard dink pass turning into a 70-yard touchdown, and the Raiders are artistes at it.

TITANS 11, JETS 16

It was 5-3 at halftime. There was a huge brawl. Anything to take attention away from this game. The Titans come out on top, though, as the Jets just got a little too angry and drove for the winning touchdown late in the 4th quarter. It was the first NFL game to ever end 16-11. SO?  After the game, coach Rex Ryan thought his Jets still had only 2 victories, which means he STILL thinks they should have lost one those games. Argh!

The Titanics tried a multi-lateral play on the final play of the game, reaching the Jet 9 yard line.  Whoa whoa whoa!  However, no trombonists appeared in the end zone, and the game ended safely.  Titans, at 2-12, are still tied for first in the AFC.  Jets' (3-11) chance at the Moldy Carpet is crumbling.

BUCCANEERS 17,  PANTHERS 19

Somebody had to win.  Panther QB Cam Newton, recovering from his auto accident, handed over QB duties to Doormat pro Derek Anderson and...actually, he didn't do too bad, and that's good enough against the Bucs, who will lose any game if they get a decent opportunity.  Bucs (2-12) stay one precarious game ahead of Washington (3-11) for the NFC lead.

WASHINGTON 13, GIANTS 24

With a chance to move into a second place tie in the NFC, the Giants just can't come up with a defining turnover or huge play for the Sunburns.  QB Clots McCoy got an owie and RGB (red-green-black) III took over and guided the 'Skins to gory.  Glory. 

Moldy Carpet Outlook

With two games to go, the NFC is between the Bucs and the 'Skins.  The 'Skins should fall to Philly and Dallas to finish up 3-13, and the Bucs have Green Bay (who will be really really angry) and then the Saints.  The Saints are the trap game, as they may SOMEHOW be out of playoff contention by then. If they are, they may all be golfing already, and the Bucs could win the damn game, mess up their draft pick and end 3-13.  This would be disastrous, because the 'Skins have already lost to the Bucs back in week 11, 27-7.  So, the Bucs have to stay the course and finish up strong.

In the AFC, the logjam is something to behold.  Never have we had a 3-way tie this late in the season, and at 2-12 the Jags, Titans and Raiders are all deserving of the Moldy Carpet trophy.  

But next week, the Jags and Titans face off in the hugest game of the season in the Doormat.  Whoever comes out on top is the loser in this one.  Tennessee won the first battle 16-14 back in week 6.  After next week, the Gags face Houston, no gimme, and the Titanics get the Colts, who will be either be playing for a home field advantage in the playoffs or they'll be taking the week off, and playing 3rd string and volunteers from the stands.  So, it will come down to the final week for one of these teams. 

The Raiders have  Buffalo at home and the Broncos in Denver.  Raiders play better at home, could beat Bills after their huge high from beating the Pack.  Bills still in playoff contention, though, so I think the Raiders run the table.  This means it will come down to a tie breaker, and Oakland hasn't faced the Titans or Jags. If Jags and Bucs end in a tie for first, and the Raiders win their last two (oh please), the head-to-head of Jags and Bucs comes into play.  All the Jags gotta do is lose both games to the Titans and have a bigger point differential than the Raiders to be the Champ. That's a tall order, because the Raiders can lose big, and lately they've been really racking up the points.
My money is on the Raiders.  

NFC  SOUTH

Atlanta is fading, the Saints have to lose to Chicago tonight.  If the trend holds, the Panthers will LEAD the NFC South at 5-8-1 with 2 games to go.  6-9-1 or 6-10 takes it.  Atlanta and NO play each other next week. Pray for a tie. Then the next week Atlanta and Carolina collide in the most epic battle of Divisional embarrassment ev- actually, I'm loving it.  I'm still holding that whoever wins this Basement division will go all the way to the Super Bowl, and then they'll cancel it.

OKAY FOLKS 

annnNNNND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!  

NFL WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PUNT INTO THE BLACK HOLE!!!

RRRRADIERS!  WHINERS!  JAGS AND TITANICS MOVE INTO 1ST!  VIKINGS TEETER ON RESPECTABILITY!  BROWNS SET TO RETURN TO BASEMENT!  NFC SOUTH CONTINUES MARCH TOWARDS...US!

Basement Duty

Sorry to be getting this out late, folks, but it took a looooong time to get out of the Black Hole and across the Raider parking lot yesterday after the game.  It was all serenity and love and...a lot of something else which we are nursing with the strongest coffee our outdoor grill can brew.  The basement is really really heating up, and that's not just because we finally got the other 1951 GE heater to stop shorting out.  Now that the beer-soaked carpet is a little less ooze-y, we can get down to business on the Commodore 64, and man did the Doormat Division have a great weekend.

RAIDERS 24,  SANTA CLARA 13
If you didn't see this, and you sure should have, the score is more like 41-3. The Battle of the Bay was all Raiders yesterday. Shedding their Doormat Division leading status, and instead coming out like the team that has a plan, the RRRRRaiders shellack the 49ers in the kind of humiliating beat-down only a team with Doormat aspirations can absorb.  The 49ers came out with guns blazing- QB Colin Kaepernick throws a strike to Raider DB Brandian Ross on the first play, and but for a brief feint at trying, after their only touchdown, Kaep dished up an array of over-thrown rockets and bullets into the dirt wrapped around a frantic performance in the pocket that looked for all the world like he's getting his play calls off his tattoos instead of the wrist wrap thing that for some bone head reason he still has to wear to know what's going on.   The Raider defense was flying around with brains in their helmets, unlike last week.

If there was any doubt about the 49er intentions yesterday, coach Harbaugh dispelled them by coming charging out of the tunnel with his team and....immediately running over to Raider Owner Mark Davis for a quick chat.  "Say, when do you want to talk contract for next season?"   I have never seen that.  Ever.

The Raider offensive line had no answer for the completely ineffective 49er D-line (hey, stop pushing!), and was forced to give QB Derek Carr enough time to age wine in the backfield. Once he popped the cork in the second quarter, Carr shredded the depleted bumbling 49er linebackers for solid gains the rest of the day.  The RRRaiders scored on consecutive possessions for the first time all season.  Carr looked- GREAT.  Really. Honest. Great job, Niners! Watching 300lb + tackle Donald Penn catch a TD pass and get a beer bath in the Black Hole was priceless...although I did pay for my ticket.

Seasoned Doormat readers know that if you give a Doormat extra time to prepare for a game, they'll really really blow it.  The Niners had 11 days to mangle whatever game plan they had, ignoring their running, scrambling and whatever else is left of their falling-on-deaf-ears coaching to deliver a must-lose stink bomb.  With the three games to go, against three teams they should get plastered by  (Seahawks, Chargers, Cardinals), the Whiners can wrap it all up at 7-9 and at least have Patio status here in the Basement.  What a season!  They've scored less TDs than the Raiders (23-24)!

The Raiders fall out of first and plummet to third, but only based on tie-breaker.  So, marvelous as the win was yesterday, they still have a solid chance of taking the Moldy Carpet.  After their last win, they brought in a 52-0 bomb, so, you know?

Here's this week's standings, and then let's run over the rest of the games with the snow plow-

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-11              237      348      -111

Washington     3-10              244      346      -102 

NY Giants        4-9               293      326      -33

Carolina          4-8-1            269     341       -72

New Orleans    5-8               333      359      -26

AFC             

Jacksonville     2-11            199      356      -157

Tennessee        2-11            220      374      -154

Oakland           2-11            200      350      -150           

NY Jets            2-11            214      349      -135

Cleveland*        7-6

*membership granted due to length of service and probable rest of season.

It's really pretty amazing that just 4 teams are handling all the losses for the entire AFC this year.

JAGUARS 13, TEXANS 27
The Gags play classic standard Doormat ball, scraping out a meager first-half lead (13-10), and then shut themselves out in the 2nd half.  Done and Done!   Jags are back in first the Doormat AFC.

TITANICS 7, GIANTS 36
The Titanics moved into a tie for first with the Jags and Raiders, and looked formidable doing it.  Going against the most implosive team in the NFL, the Titanics shrug off the Giants and their 7-game losing streak, and make it to 7 straight losses themselves. They staked the Giants to a 30-0 lead before Eli Manning did his usual pick-six or fumble/TD act, and the Titanics had to walk one in for a score.

JETS 24, VIKINGS 30 (OT)
It didn't come easy, but the Jets still pulled out the loss.  Former Viking WR receiver Percy Harvin nearly messed it all up, playing like the all-star he once was, but he exited with a sprained ankle in the 4th quarter and game momentum changed.  Despite Harvin's antics, the Jets kept it to one TD and FIVE Nick Folk field goals, keeping the loss attainable with just one dumb play, and once they got to overtime, they got it- a Vikes 89-yard TD pass for the win.  Vikings are a Parity team, now, hard to believe- but the Jets are tied for first in the logjam in the Doormat AFC.

BUCS 17, LIONS 34
It was close at halftime (17-10 Lions) but it was Doormat close. Bucs eat the post-game spread at the  half and come out like a team running in sand- Kat Box sand- for 26 total rushing yards.  Which is why the Kat Box is becoming a home-field advantage for the Kittens.  Bucs maintain one-game lead in Doormat NFC.

WASHINGTON 0, RAMS 24
Two shut-outs in row now for the Rams.  These guys better finish up with a winning record, because I'm not even allowing them on the Patio, even if they finish 7-9.  Much more deserving teams for that honor.  Deadskins QBs Colt McCoy and RGB III keep movin' on backward with seven sacks for an impressive -53 yards.  Toss in 3 turnovers and you will not lose to this team.  Forget it.  The Sunburns maintain pressure on Bucs for first in Doormat NFC.  They can still take the Moldy Carpet.  The mold is growing just for them.

BROWNS 24, COLTS 25
And the Johnny Timebomb era begins in Cleveland.  Browns almost win game, despite not scoring offensive touchdown.  And with Colts QB Andrew Luck doing his usual charity drives in the first half (two TDs for Brownie defense), the Blank Helmets were threatened with victory.  But, Brownie QB Bryan Hoyer has the footwork of a middling high-school QB, which he had on full display yesterday,  though I think Cleveland fans do a lot of avoidance therapy when the Browns have the ball. Did I just get a text?  Hoyer has danced himself to the bench.

SAINTS 10, PANTHERS 41
Just when you think someone is going to win 6 games in the NFC South, they throw you a curveball.  If Atlanta can lose tonight in Green Bay, just about a 100% chance,  there will be three games to play with only the faintest of faint glimmers that any of these teams can finish 8-8.  We're sticking to the 6-10 and they make it to the Super Bowl.  6-9-1 can even do it.  Absolutely pummeling the hapless Saints  in a physical mauling that has not been expected from the Pansies all year, Cam Newton and company pull the NFC South down one more notch and closer to glory.  I can't believe the determination and guts this division is showing to blow up the Super Bowl this season.

Something's GOTTA GIVE next week, folks- who can give the most?

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

WEEK 14 PREVIEW: The DYSFUNCTION BOWL in OAKLAND!!

The PREVIEW NFL DOORMAT WEEK 14

You Gotta Fight, For Your Right, to Be the 

WORST TEAM IN THE BAY AREA

49ers at RAIDERS

They're calling it the Dysfunction Bowl in the Bay Area, though really the Niners' dysfunction isn't really nearly as impressive- it's just more high profile. The fact that beat writers are comparing the two teams as equals in this regard is really kind of insulting to all the careful long-term planning the Raiders have put into their current stature. This could play into the Raider's gameplan- as in being worse than last week.  This isn't really possible, but we all have our fantasies.  This game will be the most fun that an ugly game can be. People are dreading this game around here, because of the Doormat potential. I'm almost drooling for this game to start. Niners may just leave Coach Harbaugh at the foot of Mt. Davis, as the scuttlebutt is he's gonna be the coach there next year, anyway.  It would be a spectacular stink bomb if the Raiders can pull out a victory (I won't say upset) but I have no idea how they would do that.  It's up the Niners, isn't it?

EDGE to LOSE:  RAIDERS

TONIGHT:

DALLAS at CHICAGO

Looks like a quagmire for the Cows, what with the demoralizing loss at home to Philly last week.  Bears have only beat teams that beat themselves (including the Niners).  Can the Cows beat themselves?  Can Bear QB Jay Cutler continue to just wreck a drive and look permanently stoned?  I think the Cows are ready.  

EDGE to LOSE:  COWBOYS

SUNDAY:

COLTS at BROWNS

Yeah, the Brownies may be 7-5, but, until they get to win #9, they really aren't out of the Basement.

Right?  You know it.  They're just barely stayin' afloat.  And you KNOW this game is Brian Hoyer's last chance before Johnny Touchdown gets to start screwing up right ON THE FIELD. The Colts last three victories were:  Giants, Jags, Skins.  Can you really call it a victory when your opponent is trying to win the Moldy Carpet? No. It's going to be a wild one.

EDGE to LOSE:  COLTS

GIANTS at TITANS

With a pairing of these nicknames, it's GOTTA BE HUGE.  It really boils down to who can throw the best game killing interception deep in the red zone late in the game, or turn the ball over deep in their own territory....Hey that's the same team!

EDGE to LOSE:  GIANTS

PANTHERS at SAINTS

The Saints have decided they would rather finish 6-10 and go all the way to the Super Bowl (which will be cancelled) than relax on our couch and eat cold pizza with us.  That's OK by us, we're behind their plan all the way. The Pansies had the week off 2 weeks ago, but played like it was bye last week vs. the Vikes.  A true Doormat treats a bye like the season ended.  I think that's what the Pansies have done, started redecorated the rumpus room in the Basement.  

EDGE to LOSE:  PANTHERS

RAMS at WASHINGTON

For the last 7 games the Rams have been alternating wins and losses.  They won last week.  But the Skinheads are in full implosion.  Are the Rams licking their chops at blowing out another hapless bunch of disorganized boobs?  Or will they waltz into D.C. thinking this one's in the bag?  Rams have coach who comes up with actual working game plans (not the Doormat way).  I'm going to go way out on a tomahawk and declare the Rambos will win two games in a row.  I'm hyperventilating.

EDGE to LOSE:  SKINS

JETS at VIKINGS

Good God, the Vikings just can't catch a break!  How many even worse Doormat teams are there that they play?  Who came up with this schedule?  It's hopeless.  Another couple victories and it's off to Parity Purgatory. 

EDGE to LOSE:  JETS

BUCS at LIONS

Anytime you play at the Kat Box it's no gimme, but the Plankwalkers are ready to lose big after losing small last week.

EDGE to GET BLOWN OUT:  BUCS

ASTROS at JAGUARS

I mean, the Texans.  Jaguars won last week.  And that was against Eli Manning's brilliant red zone blowups. Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick had a great game last week, so he should be exhausted and imprecise this time.  Still, the Jags....they have no idea how to win 2 in a row.  

EDGE to LOSE:  Jags

MONDAY:  

FALCONS at PACKERS

A night game, in December, in Green Bay.  Great.  Falcons had huge victory last week and beat a team with a winning record for the first time all year.  They're going to get trounced.  Packers played the Super Bowl last week, as you know. So, they'll be less than sharp.  They going to trounce the Falcons.

EDGE to LOSE:  FALCONS

sit back, relax...or go race go karts!

-wacko

NFL Doormat Turkeys Named

After spinning a frozen turkey on the Doormat basement floor for the last few years, it occurred to me that we should give a few away as a gesture of thanks to the NFL for providing us with the best in bad football. After all, bad football makes great spectacle, and what else is a spectator looking for? Even Dan Patrick, a Fox Sports NFL pundit, admitted that he watched the Buffalo/Jets game instead of the Baltimore/New Orleans game on Monday because: "It was so bad I couldn't stop watching. I wanted to see just how bad New York could get."

And so--a day late admittedly--we present the Doormat NFL Turkeys of the Year. Now, I am sure we have missed a few here, so please post your suggestions!

1. NFC South. Not much to say here as Wacko already nailed it in the post below: NFC South Replace Doormat Division, Basement Redecorated. This division is definitely the 43 pound turkey you can't fit in the oven. We thought 2010 was a milestone in NFL history with a losing team making the playoffs--Seattle Seahawks--but this year the NFC South has taken the game "Down a Notch," as we like to say around here. That's a compliment, by the way. Wait a sec, the coffee water is boiling.

OK, coffee in hand, here is the second Turkey award.

2. Johnnie Manziel. He may be the Golden Turkey that laid the Goose Egg. He hasn't taken a snap since week 3--and I think he has only had a dozen or so snaps all year--but he still insists on appearing in bad TV commercials, parading around with his own posse, and getting into scuffles in hotel lobbies at 2:30 a.m. the day of a game. But what does he care? He ain't gonna play anyway. He can take a nice nap on the bench. This guy has lots of tools--and I am not going to step into that joke zone--but none of the attitude. My guess is the Browns are already calling this draft choice a brown wedgie and looking for options to flush this guy out of the clubhouse.

3. Roger Goodell. Like a class-act doormat quarterback, Goodell missed at least three open men and chose to toss one into heavy coverage for a pick-6. Insisting they didn't see the tape--though the police say they offered it to the NFL--it finally turns up the day after the casino closes. Did a security person decide it was a well-deserved bonus if he sold it to TMZ? Great TV drama material here, but the reality is, Goodell botched this one and the NFL suffered.

4. RGIII. Or is it the Redskins management? You can't really blame RG for underperforming considering he really had a career-ending injury two years ago. Then they played him while injured because winning a playoff game was worth risking the career of possibly a hall of famer. Now the Skins management are suggesting RG doesn't work hard enough. Turkeys all around here, guys!

5. Drew Brees. Wow, he really looks bad--for Brees--most doormat QBs would be thrilled to have his 2014 stats. But to win your division, you gotta play at the elite level. Wait a minute. Saints are in the NFC South, where you can win playing at any level you choose. So.......if they can squeak in there, and if Brees gets his game on again, and the whole team gets a lift from that, we could see a 6-10 team in the NFC conference championship game. Hey, hope dies hard in the basement.

6. Adrian Petersen. It's all been said.

7. Doug Martin (Tampa Bay RB). After a almost 1,500 yard rookie season in 2012, Martin has underperformed, sinking this year to 193 yrds (2.8 per carry) in week 12.


There are plenty of other turkeys, more than the Salvation Army serves up on Thanksgiving. The 49ers come to mind, but let's give them two more games before sending them a turkey.

Let us know who you think deserves a Turkey Award this year.

NFC SOUTH Replaces Doormat Division, Basement Redecorated

Who needs the Doormat Division when you have the

 NFC South?  

Clearly, Parity has gone too far, as in Paucity, and our own territory is being encroached upon by an actual, real, NFL division.  It isn't parity, NFL execs, if none of the teams can win 2 games in a row against feeble opposition.  At least the Division has the perfect name for this. South, as in- GOIN' SOUTH.  Or GONE SOUTH AGES AGO. 

After tonight's Aints disaster, at home, the entire division has almost no chance of anybody finishing above .500.

Here's the Fantastic Mess

NFC SOUTH

Saints       4 -7

Falcons     4-7

Panthers   3-7-1

Bucs         2-9

The Saints, Falcons, and Panthers will have to win ALL FIVE of their remaining games to reach 9-7 (or 8-7-1), which has as much chance of happening as me buying a Porsche this week...or any week. The Oakland Raiders have a better chance of winning five in a row than this crew.  

You know what?  I don't think any of them are even going to make it to .500. And why should they?  They only have to finish with a better record than one of the other teams.  That's a tall order for all of these guys.  Heck, the Tampa Bay Bucs can still win the division. 

But let's be serious. This means a new all-time low for NFL teams will be reached!!  An entire division more than two games under .500!!!  The Division winner will be 6-10!!!! 

The only team that has even a GHOST of a chance to win 3 of their remaining games are the Saints, and it's not looking very good, after tonight's debacle at the Super-Ooper Dome.  

And we thought 2010 was amazing-  that was nothing.  The Rams and the Seahawks tied at 7-9, and then the Seahags actually won a playoff game.  

Well, there's nothing for it.  We have to let them haul in their own couch, bring their wet-fur pets in here, and put up with these guys.  The next five weeks are gonna be something else. 

-Wacko