The End Zone- How Hard Can It Be?

As Walkfish has put up our Week 7 Turkey Spin Predictions,  I thought it might help to have some science added to the gut feeling picks.  Also, coming across Adam Rank's article at NFL.com [http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000081104/article/are-the-chargers-the-worst-team-in-the-nfl] about the Chargers being the worst team in the league got me to thinking that we need some numbers.

The Chargers have proven they can just completely torch themselves.  Norv Turner has an uncanny knack to come up extremely short in any big games.  Philip Rivers is a one-man wrecking crew.  He has poor foot-work, becomes emotionally flustered, and ruins games.  He and Norv are not the guys.  But, I'd pick them to cream the Chiefs.

HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO SCORE THE DAMN FOOTBALL??

The point of the game of football is to score.  Field goals are fine and all, but you put the ball in the end zone and get six.  Get more of those than the other guys, and you win the game.  Simple huh?  Some teams sure don't know how.

Some Stats on our Moldy Carpet contenders:

Percentage of time leading games:

[this is a really hard stat to run down- in fact I only saw it flashed on the screen on TV and have not been able to come up with the right search to find it again. ] 

1. Kansas City Cheaps  0%   Have not lead for one second in any game.  How did they win that game with the Saints?  By kicking a field goal in overtime, which counts as 0% of the time in the lead.    

2. Oakland Raiders 4.9%   kinda hard to have an awesome running game when you are running uphill.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars  5%  Organized losing at a peak.  Norv Turner, take notes.

4. Detroit Lions  6.5%  I don't care if you rack up 25.1 pts a game. You're BEHIND.  You're LOSING.

The percentages on the Jags and Lions are estimates, as the damn stat went off screen before I could write it all down.

To find a picture of a Chief on a breakaway touchdown, I had to go all the way back to Larry Johnson.

WORST RED ZONE SCORING PERCENTAGE (TDs only)

1. Kansas City Chiefs     26.67% 

2. Jacksonville Jags       33.33%

3. Seattle Seahawks      35.29%

4. St. Louis Lambs        35.71%

5. Indianapolis Colts      41.18%

6. Oakland Raiders        41.67%

7.  Cleveland Browns    41.67%

22. San Diego                56.52%

RED ZONE SCORING ATTEMPTS PER GAME

This one is really telling.  Do they even get near it?

1. Jaguars        1.8   You get it under 2, and you are the favorite for the Moldy Carpet.

2. Cleveland    2.0

3. Tennessee    2.3

4.  St. Louis     2.3

5.  Oakland      2.4

6. Kansas City  2.5

7. Buffalo          2.5

28.  San Diego  3.8

These guys spend more time in the end zone than our fearless Doormat Leaders

 1ST QUARTER POINTS PER GAME,  OFFENSE

1.  Chiefs   1.0  What is this, Canadian football? 

2.  Eagles   1.2

3.  Jaguars  1.2

4.  Broncos  2.5  ( of their 3 victories, only game they didn't come from behind to win was Raiders)

5.  Bears    2.6

6.  49ers     2.7    And this is why they are NOT the best team in the league.

1ST QUARTER POINTS GIVEN UP

1. Titans       9.7  Digging a big hole.

2.  Chiefs     8.5  A bigger, better hole, since they come up with 1 themselves.

3.  Panthers  8.0

4.  Raiders    6.8

5.  Saints      6.8

6.  Broncos   6.2

7.  Lions      6.0

3rd QUARTER POINTS PER GAME, OFFENSE

And now for the most telling of all, what happens when you've 'adjusted' at haltime, presumably more than your jockstrap, and come out flat as a pancake and get fertilized?

1. RAIDERS  1.4  I knew it!

2. Bengals      1.7

3. Rams          2.2

4. Packers      2.2 (a-ha!)  compare against last year's league leading 9.0

5. Titans         2.3

6. Lions         2.6  (this is shocking, as the Lions were a great 3rd quarter team last year  at 7.8)

7. Chiefs        2.8  (wow up by 1.7 over the 1st quarter!  Good work, men!)

3RD QUARTER POINTS GIVEN UP

Here's where lying down and dying on the gridiron gets set in bronze for the ages.

1.  RAIDERS!  12.2  Turn off your blacked-out TV at half-time.  

2.  Chiefs         10.3

3.  Bengals       9.5   Never bet against the Bengals chance to lose a game.

4.  Titans         8.0

5. Packers       7.2

6. Cowboys    6.2

7. Chargers     5.8   Hey Look!  The Chargers finally made a top seven!

4TH QUARTER POINTS PER GAME, OFFENSE

And, finally, when you just cannot make a difference when it matters most

1. Panthers  3.8  Dig a hole in the first quarter, and do nothing in the 4th.  Great.

2. Texans    3.8   their defense sits on you at this point.  It's gonna bite them in playoffs.

3. Jaguars    4.0  Jags sit on themselves

4. Dolphins  4.2   Note the next 3 are all AFC East

5. Jets          4.5   

6. Bills         4.7  What's gonna happen when these AFC East teams finally play each other?

4TH QUARTER POINTS GIVEN UP, DEFENSE

Here they are, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, or playing really really wild finishes all the time.

1. Redskins  12.8    (6.8 on offense themselves, so they ALMOST win them)

2. Bills        12.7

3. Titans     12   (the blowout machine, these Titans)

4. Jaguars   10.6   

5. Lions      10.2

6. Steelers    9.4

7. Chargers  8.8  (this went way up this week!)

OPPONENTS RED ZONE SCORING PERCENTAGE

Finally, the Chargers show their qualities

1. Colts        73.68%

2.  Chargers  73.33%

3. Bills          71.43%

4. Bengals     64.71%

5. Falcons     64.29%   wow

NOW make your predictions!

-wacko

NFL Week 7 Doormat Predictions

Week 6 we saw some great head-to-head Doormat matchups and we also saw some big changes in the Doormat standings.

The Cowboys leaped into 3rd place in the NFC Doormat standings with a solid loss to the Ravens. Dallas is now 2-3 with a -25 scoring differential. Steelers are 2-3 with a +1 scoring differential. They are officially on the Doormat watch. Buffalo and NY Jets are still on the list as well.

Before we turn to this week's predictions, let's take a snapshot look at one of the great Doormat franchises, the New Orleans Saints: http://mcubed.net/nfl/no/index.shtml. 

From 1967-87 they managed to reach .500 only twice, and the by-decade winning average over that period was under .500. From 87 to 92, one of their best stretches, they made 4 wild card appearances, but lost every game. We don't have any Beignets around here, so it's stale Dunkin Donuts and warm beer we tip to you, New Orleans.

And now for the predictions. Once again, we have some great Doormat match ups:

Tennessee- 10
Buffalo- 17

Cleveland- 14
Indianapolis- 21

Green Bay- 42
St. Louis- 17

Washington- 10
NY Giants- 33

New Orleans- 28
Tampa Bay- 3

Dallas- 10
Carolina- 13

Jacksonville- 18
Oakland- 21
(Might be the game of the week.)

Lions- 24
Chicago- 28

Gentlemen, make your predictions...

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - DOORMAT LEADERS!

1.  THE CHIEFS have not led, for even 1 second, in any game they have played this year.  Yet they have won a game.   How did they do it?

2.  They lead the entire NFL in turnovers with 21.  Not even the fumble machine in Philly matches that (17).

3.  They lead in Takeaway/Giveaways with -15.   Philly a distant second at -9.

4.  They lead in interceptions  (11) and fumbles (10).   

The interceptions are a shared item with Brady Quinn (2) and Matt Cassell  (9)

5.  They have given up a whopping 64 points off those turnovers.  

6.  Why can't the Cheaps go 1-15?  

7.  None of the remaining teams on their schedule currently have a winning record.   They may win one of these by being out-bungled.   Norv Turner and his Chargers come to mind, after the debacle against Denver last night.   

-wacko

Emergency Update on NFL Week 6 Worst Stats!!

SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY!

BRONCOS 35,  CHARGERS 24

We spoke too soon on the Worst Stats of the week!   Holy Cow!  Leading 24-0 at halftime,  the Chargers get the reverse gear going like nobody's business, and Peyton Manning turns the Broncos into a Ferrari and they burn through the Chargers for 35 second-half points and the biggest comeback in MNF history, and damn near the biggest comeback ever (Niners-Saints got that one).   But it IS the first time a team down by 24 wins by double-digits.  Just off the ding-dong HOOK.

TWO more pick-6 TDs (one for each team) bringing the weekend total to what has to be a record SIX!

Another fumble return for a TD!

Philip Rivers single handedly flames out spectacularly, with FOUR second half interceptions, and TWO lost fumbles.  That's SIX turnovers by ONE guy!    Holy Freaking Cow!!   The Doormat Division is a-FLAME!!!

Of smaller interest, but equally curious, is that Denver has been down by more than 20 points in four of their six games, but are 3-3.   Cwazy!

 Updated NFL WORST WEEK 6 STATS:

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 6

Points:           3         49ers (and they're lucky they got that)

first downs:   12       Dolphins

Yards:           192     Dolphins 

Rush:            12       Dolphins

Pass:             141     Bills

Turnovers     6         CHARGERS

INT               4        CHARGERS

fumbles lost   2        Colts, Chargers

sacked:          5        Cardinals

least sacks:    0        Buccaneers (as in, defense)

punts:           8         Browns,  Bills

penalties:     16- 132   LIONS

time of poss:   19:57   Ravens


WHEW!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 6: PARITY PARTY

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

WEEK 6

AFC

KANSAS CITY        1-5        -79

CLEVELAND          1-5        -29

JACKSONVILLE    1-4        -73

OAKLAND              1-4        -61

TENNESSEE           2-4        -90

NFC

NEW ORLEANS     1-4       -13

CAROLINA             1-4       -33

DALLAS                  2-3       -25

DETROIT                 2-3      -11

TAMPA BAY          2-3      +19

It's a real dogfight in the AFC, as 4 teams still only have one victory, and right now only Cleveland looks like they are losing the losing touch.

There were FOUR interceptions returned for TDs yesterday (pick-six)!   Who knows what would have happened if Blaine Gabbert and the Jaguars had been playing.  Brett Favre's all-time record of 32.3 is still safe, though.  How do you get a third  of a pick-six?

THE GAMES

BROWNS 34, BENGALS 24

BROWNS WIN!  BROWNS WIN! Twice a year they play the Paul Brown memorial game, and you never know who is going to win this one.  But we picked the Browns this time, and the Bungles obliged!  29-year-old rookie Brandon Weeden throws 2 TD passes and just one INT.  Bungles QB Andy Dalton throws 3 and the killer Pick-Six in the 4th quarter that pretty much iced the game.   Brownies snap their 11-game losing streak, which tied the franchise record.  Brownies fall out of first in the AFC Doormat.    

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BUCCANEERS 38, CHIEFS 10

Stick a fork in 'em-  they're done!   Cheaps QB Brady Quinn steps in for the injured Matt Cassell and has a Stiff of the Week kind of day-  2 INTS, one Pick-Six and no touchdowns.  The Cheaps only TD was on a hilarious fumble return off a botched punt at the Bucs own 11.   The Cheaps are so bad they managed to get completely blown out by the Bootineers.   Solidly in 1st place in the AFC,  and if the other teams don't get their mojo out of town soon, they won't keep pace with KC.   Bucs drop to 5th in the NFC Doormat (2-3) and have a gaudy +19 points.   This is the Blowout of the Week, because it's one Doormat just thrashing another, but let's face it-  the NY Giants pummeling the 49er 26-3 was the unmatched beat-down of Week 6.

DOLPHINS 17,  RAMS 14

As close as we're going to get to a Stiff-of-the-Week this week, the Lambs rack up 462 yards of offense and LOSE.  The 12 perfectly timed bone-head penalties really helped offset the fireworks.   The Floppers, by contrast, 'pile up' 192 yards of offense, with a stunning 12 on the ground, scrape up 12 first downs and WIN the game.   Miami pulls to 3-3 in the parity party that is the AFC East (all 3-3).

SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY!!

FALCONS 23, RAIDERS 20

What's that, you say?  It's a Carson Palmer Bengals jersey, torched in a Cincinnati backyard a couple years ago.  Yesterday,  Palmer may have burned his own jersey.  Driving towards the go-ahead FG or touchdown late in the game yesterday, on the verge of pulling off the biggest upset in the league this year, Palmer throws the dagger Pick-Six to Asante Samuel- a 79 yard return to paydirt.  Palmer then tied the game with a brilliant drive, only to have the Raydur defense lie down and guide the Falcons down the field for the game winning FG as time expired.   Raydurz 1-4 and they must now focus on being the worst, because being even mediocre is going to be a lotta work.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

LIONS 26, EAGLES 23 (OT)

The Lions may be bad, but the Eagles can pull out the bad and stink up their own stadium better than anybody on any given day.   Michael "Fumbles" Vick loses another one on the carpet and cashes in 2 INTs.  The Lions set the season record so far for penalties with an incredible 16 for 132 yards. That's going to be hard to top.  But they WON.  Kittens fall out of 3-way tie for 1st.   Andy Reid on the hottest hot seat in the NFL.  

JETS 35,  COLTS 9

Dolts (2-3) get back under .500 with a flurry of turnovers (4).  Andrew Luck finds out what getting blown out feels like.

The rest of the Division went golfing (Aints, Gaguars, Pansies).

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 6

Points:           3         49ers (and they're lucky they got that)

first downs:   12       Dolphins

Yards:           192     Dolphins 

Rush:            12       Dolphins

Pass:             141     Bills

Turnovers     4         Colts, Bengals

INT               3        49ers,  Bengals

fumbles lost   2        Colts

sacked:          5        Cardinals

least sacks:    0        Buccaneers (as in, defense)

punts:           8         Browns,  Bills

penalties:     16- 132   LIONS

time of poss:   19:57   Ravens

     

 AAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

Worst Super Bowl Division

You can argue for hours about which team was the worst Super Bowl team, but when it comes to divisions the South has it, NFC and AFC.

As you can see, the AFC South and NFC South have just two wins each. In the AFC it's one team, Indianapolis, and in the NFC it's two teams, Tampa Bay and New Orleans. Appearances? AFC South has 5 (four of them Indianapolis) and NFC South it's just four appearances with Tampa Bay, New Orleans, Carolina, and Atlanta with one appearance each. Hey, those are four traditionally Doormat Division quality teams.

But what about the beloved Doormat Division? If you take the current spate of face-flopping, stumbling, bonehead football squads, the record is:

NFC- 5-3
AFC- 4-4

Too bad we don't have the Nils and Yikes in there right now, 0-8!

Now, if you look at the true Doormat Division, the teams we all drafted, the records are (and mind you these are six team divisions):

NFC- 6-5
AFC- 5-7

The Redskins, Raiders, and the Dolphins really mess up the stats here. But we have to be true to the truth.

That's pretty  bad when you consider that the NFC East is 12-8 in the Super Bowl, though it's only three teams, Dallas, NYG, and the Redskins.

So, by Super Bowl record, I rate the NFC South the worst division of all.

Super Bowl wins/appearances per division Division Wins NFC East 12 Dallas(5) New York Giants(4) Washington(3) AFC North 7 Pittsburgh(6) Baltimore(1) AFC West 6 Oakland(3) Denver(2) Kansas City(1) NFC West 6 San Francisco(5) St. Louis(1) AFC East 6 New England(3) Miami(2) New York Jets(1) NFC North 5 Green Bay(4) Chicago(1) AFC South 2 Indianapolis(2)** NFC South 2 Tampa Bay(1) New Orleans(1) Division Appearances NFC East 20 Dallas(8) Washington(5) New York Giants(5) Philadelphia(2) AFC East 17 New England(7) Miami(5) Buffalo(4) New York Jets(1) AFC West 14 Denver(6) Oakland(5) Kansas City(2) San Diego(1) NFC North 11 Green Bay(5) Minnesota(4) Chicago(2) AFC North 11 Pittsburgh(8) Cincinnati(2) Baltimore(1) NFC West 10 San Francisco(5) St. Louis(3) Arizona(1) Seattle(1) AFC South 5 Indianapolis(4)** Tennessee(1) NFC South 4 Atlanta(1) Carolina(1) Tampa Bay(1) New Orleans(1)

TITANICS WIN A GAME? WHAT?

TITANS 26,  STEELERS 23

As predicted, the Tennessee Titans were able to run the ball just enough to keep the Steelers guessing, Matt Hasselbeck looks like the rust is off, and the Steelers lose their 3rd straight road game.   0-3 on the road!  What was NOT predicted was that the Titans would blow the loss and come out on top.

For the FIRST TIME this year, the Titans held a team under 30 points!!  Quick, buy your Super Bowl tickets!!

The Titanics scrape up to 2-4 and break the logjam in the Doormat AFC.  Now it's just Cleveland (0-5) and Jacksonville (1-4) looking pretty...ugly.   You have to lose at least 12 to have a shot at the Moldy Carpet, but there is a lot of season left, and who knows what will happen when Jake Locker comes back.    

The Steelers now have a losing record (2-3) and we got a call last night about where they park the team bus for drop off at the Basement.   NOT SO FAST.  One loss under .500 after 5 games does not even get you onto the patio.  2-4...sure.  But no coffee off the grill.

-wacko

NFL WEEK 6: AFC Those Potholes are Really Canyons

IT'S WEEK 6!!!!!!!!

Let's have a visit with our Loss Leaders, and view the rough road ahead.   Today, the AFC

AFC

CLEVELAND BROWNS  (0-5)

Can the Brownies keep losing every week?  They have done something few 'losing culture' teams do- they've flipped the method.  Instead of decent defense and zero offense, they've gone with atrocious defense and wide-open, error-prone offense.   It's impressive.  The only team left with a perfect record, the Brownies are holding a bake-sale this Sunday against the always schizoid Cincinnati Bungles, who are coming off their worst game of the year, losing to the Floppers.   Brownies nearly pulled off a comeback in the first game against the Bungles, and Brandon Weeden had his best game of the year.   652 Tickets still available for you masochists out there.

LOOKING AHEAD down the Pothole Highway:    

Colts (L),  

Chargers (L), 

Ravens (L), 

Dallas (w), 

 Steelers (L), 

Raydurz (?),  

Cheaps (w),  

Redskins (L),  

Broncos (L), 

 Steelers (L)

Predicted Finish:   3-13  somehow, they'll get 3.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS  (1-4)

Like a lot of our leaders this week, the Gaguars have the week off and Blaine Gabbert is busy studying the HOW TO THROW A TD PASS TO  YOUR OWN TEAM booklet.  It was discovered he'd been reading HOW TO THROW A TD PASS TO THE OTHER TEAM (by Brett Favre $9.95 on Amazon), which explains why he threw 2 of them last week.   Now that that has been cleared up, the Gags can look forward to this:   Organized, institutional losing.

down the Pothole Highway:  

 RAIDERS (L)- gonna be tough to blow this one.  Gags will have to really hunker down and make Carson Palmer look like a 'franchise' player instead of the guy who took most of the Bunglonian Fog with him when he left Cincinnati.   If they concentrate on getting the Raiders running game going, they got it.

GREEN BAY (L)- only the Gags can make the Packers look like world champs again, and they'll be up for it.

DETROIT (L) - the reeling fur balls from Purr City get to make like...Lions.

COLTS  (L)-  Andrew Luck has figured it out.  The Gaguars have too.

TEXANS (L)-  right about here all the air will be gone

TITANS (?)-  Nov. 25th This game will be huge in the doormat, where the Gags and Titanics will duke it out for first place in the AFC, as Cleveland will have at least 1 win by this time.

Then, the murderer's row:  

BUFFALO, NY JETS AND MIAMI.   Can they lose to all of them?  What an accomplishment if they do.  The Nils, Jets and Flops couldn't pull it off.  

NEW ENGLAND (L)

TITANICS:  final game of the year for all the marbles in the Doormat AFC

PREDICTED FINISH: 2-14

TENNESSEE TITANICS  1-4

The surprise team of the Doormat in the AFC this year, the Titanics are giving up 36.2 points a game, narrowly edging Beefalo.   Buffalo.  Sorry.  And now they roll out Matt Hasselbeck for an encore performance tonight against the Steelers.  The Steelers are no piece of cake for the loss-  despite the Titanics anemic running game, the Steelers boast an anemic rush defense and if you have a poor defense against the rush then I don't recommend putting a paper bag over your head and having a buddy supercharge it with a massive hit of mind-bending smoke.   

Where were we? 1973? The Steelers lost to the Raiders, for God sake, and made their running game look great (Darren McFadden is a great RB, but the blocking 'schemes' are something you'd see out of Mr. Bean or My Name is Earl).   If the Titanics can lose tonight, they are on their way.  But just like the Jags, they have to contend with the BILLS, JETS, DOLPHINS trifecta.

Down the Pothole Road:

BUFFALO (L)  a million points in this one?  Can the Titans accept the largesse?

COLTS (L)

BEARS (L)  

DOLPHINS (?)

GAGS (?)

TEXANS (L)

COLTS (?)

JETS (L)

PACKERS (L)

GAGUARS-   as above, potential AFC Championship game

PREDICTED FINISH  3-13

KANAS CITY CHIEFS (1-4)

We've certainly got parity in the Doormat- we've got EIGHT teams with one win.  SOMEBODY has to win a second game, and the Cheaps are up against it with the Buccaneers (1-3) this weekend.  Doormat legend Brady Quinn steps onto the gridiron to start a game for the first time in three years, as Matt Cassell sits this one out, still woozy from his concussion and ringing in his ears from the fans cheering like crazy when they realized he was not getting up.   The Cheaps defense is helping immensely, though, to insure losses, and I think they should make it through this one.  Barely.  The Bucs are may be chopped liver, but the Cheaps are toast.  I actually think Quinn will play better than Cassell just long enough to bring it down to a field goal.  Cheaps still horrible in the red zone.

Down the Pothole Road:

BYE (W)

RAIDERS (??)

CHARGERS (L)

STEELERS (L)

BENGALS (L)

BRONCOS (L)

PANTHERS (W)

BROWNIES (L)

RAIDERS (??)

COLTS (?)

BRONCOS (L)

PREDICTED FINISH 4-12

OAKLAND RAYDURZZZZ  (1-4)

The perennial under-achievers of the AFC West, the Raydurz are way under .500 and haven't played well ever since Jason Campbell was unceremoniously thrown to the bench and under the team bus after Carson Palmer arrived.  Campbell may not have been Andrew Luck, but he had figured out how to play smart and they were winning games they should win.  Palmer has no idea. He has an arm. They are not even close to playing smart with Palmer at the helm, but you can never, EVER blame losing on a player when it comes to the Raider way.  It appears to not matter that Al Davis is dead.  Amazingly, it's IRRELEVANT.  This kind of losing is done by coaching it.  I've heard that Darren McFadden is the most exciting RB in football so many times that I just sit and stare at my blacked-out TV and listen to Greg Papa on the radio tell me he's been stuffed for a 1-yard gain.  Nice blocking, guys.  Also, the Raiders fired their entire defensive secondary and replaced it with guys who are no better (and yes some injuries), and maybe worse.  

Lucky for the Silver-and-Blacked Out, they had the week off, so a real team can win a game at the Oakand Coliseum (the A's!!), but now they get to LOSE an easy one to the Falcons.  However, their schedule contains the cream of the Doormat and it's going to be hard to lose them all and take the MOLDY CARPET.  

Down the Pothole Highway:

FALCONS  (L-L-L)

GAGUARS (w)

CHIEFS  (?)

TAMPA (L)

BALTIMORE (L)

SAINTS (L)

BENGALS (L)

BROWNIES (?)

BRONCOS (L)

CHIEFS (?)

PANTHERS (W)

CHARGERS (L)

PREDICTED FINISH 5-11

aaaAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

NFL Week 6: As the Turkey Spins

It's week 6 in the NFL and the institutional losers are beginning to entrench in the basement. We even have a few familiar faces, Detroit for example, who we did not expect to see this year. Welcome baaaaack!  In addition, we do have some newcomers who are putting up a serious challenge for the Moldy Carpet. It's looking like a great season here on the Barcalounger.

And now for the Doormat predictions for Week 6, which has some great Doormat matchups:

Pittsburgh- 38
Tennessee- 12
(blowout of the week)

Lions- 17
Eagles- 24

Oakland- 28
Atlanta- 12

Cincinnati- 10
Cleveland- 0
(Got to be the stiff of the week)

St. Louis- 10
Miami- 11
(Game of the week)

Kansas City- 18
Tampa Bay- 19
(Or this might be the stiff of the week or even the game of the week)

Minnesota- 24
Washington- 10
(Nope, this is the stiff of the week, though Vikings are marching to NFC North crown)

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Doormat Division: NFL Week Five Wrap-Up and Disposal

Doormat Division:  Week 5 

 Know What You’re Made Of

There’s no getting around it-  Week 5 in the NFL identifies who is going up and who is going down, and who’s Beefalo is cooked.  And to make room for that happy meal, I’ve cleared off the coffee table (ok it’s a palette we stole out of the Safeway dumpster) here in the Basement for the most chewed up team in sports, the Buffalo Nils!

THE STANDINGS

AFC

Cleveland Browns   0-5

Jacksonville Jags     1-4

Tennessee Titans     1-4

Kansas City Chiefs  1-4

Oakland Raiders      1-3

NFC

New Orleans Aints    1-4

Carolina Panthers      1-4

Detroit Lions             1-3

Tampa Bay Bucs       1-3

Washinton Redskins  2-3

 Stick a Fork in ‘em- They’re Done!

BLOW-OUT OF THE WEEK

49ers  45,  Bills  3

In the last 2 games, the Buffalo Nils have given up 97 points,  1201 yards,  two +300 yard passing games, three 100-yard games to running backs and four 100-yard games to receivers.  Alex Smith chalked up a 156.2 passer rating, 2.1 shy of a perfect game.  The Nils defense is so porous, they’re going to start marketing a commemorative sponge.   It was the first time EVER that an offense in the NFL went over 300 yards passing and 300 yards rushing.  EVER.  That means since the beginning of time.  Think of the vast expanses of space, expanding outward, in search of a linebacker.  

But things are looking up for the Nils here in the Basement.  Instead of their usual 400 useless yards of offense, they hunkered down and crossed the finish line with 10 first downs and a Doormat acceptable 204 yards.   Harvard beard Ryan Fitzpatrick chalked up only one interception (I thought he’d get a pick-6 for sure) to stay in 3^rd for the Interception King race.

They may be only 2-3, but with their two ‘wins’ being against KC and Cleveland, maybe it’s time to fold the tent and follow the herd.  The Nils continue their  NFC West Annihilation Tour next week in Arizona.

Stiff of the Week

CHEERING IN KC!!

RAVENS 9, CHIEFS 6

How fed up are the nice people in the Midwestern village of Kansas City?  They serenaded Matt Cassell with cheers as he was carted off the field- not because they were glad he was OK, but because he was out of the game, and Doormat All-Star Brady Quinn could come in and…nail down the loss. 

Not since 1980 when Dan Pastorini broke his leg for the 2-2 Oakland Raiders has a crowd been happier to see a QB get the hell off the field.  The difference is the Raiders had supposedly washed-up Jim Plunkett, everybody’s favorite football playing Native American (sorry Jim Thorpe), pacing the sideline, itchin’ to start throwing deep into triple coverage that always came up gold.  The rest is history- the Raiders stampeded through the schedule and won the Super Bowl.  

So, same for KC, right?  Uh, NO.  Sam Cassell came up with 4 turnovers yesterday (2x2), grabbed a tie for the INT King lead (9) and…you know, this game was on the tube.  It was truly funny to watch the Cheaps bungle one red zone opportunity after another.  First and goal at the 7 turned into first and goal at the 20. This is prime Doormat hard reverse football.   This is the only team in the league (well, maybe the Jags, too) that can be behind 9-3 and it looks like 41-0.  You’re just SURE they won’t take advantage of any opportunity.  And they don’t.

I don’t like to see a guy get cheered for getting hurt- OK, yes I was one of those people screaming for Pastorini’s head back in the day- but everybody already knew Plunkett was hot, as he’d been phenomenal in the preseason.  Brady Quinn is not the answer, folks.  Well, yes he is- for a chance to win the Moldy Carpet- but he’s got some big shoes to fill in KC.

Chiefs 1-4 and sinking fast in the AFC West.  Next up, Doormat challenges Tampa Bay and the Raydurz.   By the way, Pastorini took the Oilers to the 1979 AFC Championship game, once had Farah Fawcett call HIM up and ask him out, and he took up drag racing after exiting football.  Also on his resume is a long, protracted legal battle with ex-Raiders owner Al Davis- which makes him a true Raider. 

UPSET OF THE WEEK

COLTS 30,  MEATPACKERS 27

I called this one, and I wasn’t even thinking about fallen coach Chuck Pagano, sick in the hospital with leukemia.   The Colts have one of the most competitive guys in the world, Andrew Luck, and an accurate arm to go with it, and the Packers have a lousy defense.

A really spirited game from a team that won the Moldy Carpet last year, and we love to celebrate when one of our doormats rise up and clock the big guys.  Spike that spheroid, Andrew!!

 The Colts may still have a circus in the defensive backfield, but it was no match for the Packer’s.  Colts pull to 2-2 and are out on the patio here in the Basement, saying goodbye, making room for the green and yellow dudes getting off the bus.  Let’s see if they actually leave.   

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

BEARS 41 JAGUARS 3

Yep, the Jags just keep on losing.  They aren’t getting the headlines, even after getting blown out at home, but they are on the job.  Forcing just one punt, the Jags have trouble finding the field and another day of professional losing is in the books.  Bears get 501 yards, Jags 189.  One more game before coaches start getting fired around the league.   However, Mike Mularkey is in his first season with the Gaguars, so, the drive to the Moldy Carpet will continue all year long.   The Jags lead the Doormat with 3 sacks, and they have a good reason for not blitzing- they get burned every time.   Yesterday the only time Jay Cutler gained more than 10 yards on a pass was when the Gags blitzed, and twice he racked up TD passes. 

The Gags have had their miracle win this year (the Colts game).   We have to put up with them on the barcalounger during the bye-week, but then the Raiders will be putting out the red carpet for them in Week 7, so the Gags will have their mettle tested if they want the Moldy Carpet to come home to Jacksonville.

SEAHAWKS 16, PANTHERS 12

Cam Newton dispenses with excitement and racks up 108 yards of passing.

The entire NFC West has a winning record.  Good grief.

DOLPHINS 17, BENGALS 13

Miami offensive line keeps the Bungles off QB Ryan Tannehill’s back, and he responds with zero interceptions and the win in Cincinnati.  Is that Bunglonian Fog I see?

VIKINGS 30,  TITANS 7

The Titanics do it all, bone-head penalties, turnovers, anemic running game, and an antique at QB.  Done and Done.  1-4 in the Doormat and a solid challenger.

AINTS 31,  CHARGERS 24

Yours truly called this one, too- the Saints finally put one in the win column, with Philip Rivers gift-wrapping two turnovers in the 4^th quarter to nail down the loss.

GIANTS 41, BROWNS 27

Our AFC leader, the Brownies (0-5) come out of the gate looking like a real NFL team, and then get all tired and stuff and the Giants whirl past them in a blaze of points.  Brownies: 3 turnovers, 10 penalties, 3-10 on 3^rd down, and QB Brandon Weeden in 1^st place tie with 9 interceptions.

WEEK 5 WORST NFL STATS!

There’s one more game to play tonight, and the Jets just about swept the stats last week, so these are temporary:

POINTS:  3            Cardinals,  Bills

Yards allowed:  621   Bills

Off. Yards: 189    Jaguars

Passing:  108          Panthers

Rushing: 53           Saints

Turnovers:  4         Chiefs

Fumbles lost:  3     Broncos

INT:  2                  Chiefs, Bengals, Browns, Vikings, Jags, Seahawks,

Sacked:   9-52        Cardinals

Punts:  7                 Cards, Rams, Packers, Panthers

3^rd down conv. :  1-9   Redskins

Penalties:  10-99            Saints  (Steelers, 9-106)

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!!