Tryptophan Coma Bleeds into NFL Week 12

Hey, you forgot to turn on the oven!

Well, Turkey Day this year yielded no turkey games. Lions, Vikings, Redskins, Cowboys, Steelers, all gave us a great reason to stay on the couch with a scotch and a beer. Now the Colts, that's another thing. I got up to clean the garage every time they had the ball. I heard the entire state of Indiana switched channels to watching dog shows by halftime.

I have to say, it was kinda weird watching a team called the Redskins playing a team called the Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day. Makes me think of an old Stan Freberg record. "What do you mean you cooked the Turkey? It was supposed to be eagle! Everybody's ready to eat, even started on their little nut cups already. And who invited the Indians?" If you don't know what I am talking about, look up and listen to Stan Freberg Presents the United States of America. Considering recent events, it just might make your day. OK, got sidetracked, sorry. Back to football.

But first our Thanksgiving dinner. Someone (maybe me) forgot to turn on the oven (see photo above) so the turkey was a little underdone. Our neighbor had a solution. He fired up his industrial propane torch, speared the turkey on some rebar he had in the garage, and our bird was cooked in about 15 minutes. Just to finish it off and give it that Southern flavor, we filled a garbage can with cooking oil, lit it on fire, and tossed it in  for five minutes. Mmm, mmm, good. We were so excited about the turkey being done we forgot to put out the fire. Good thing my neighbor has insurance.

All right, all right, I will get to the predictions. This week it is especially interesting because it is time for our annual "Turkey Game of the Week" prediction. Of all the games being played, which one will be the worst? It does not necessarily have to be Doormat teams. For example, this Oracle is taking the Chiefs vs. Broncos (Ugh, another Thanksgiving game with Indians fighting Broncos (which Cowboys ride, pard'ner). Both of these teams, well, the Broncos anyway, have a shot at a Super Bowl appearance this year. Yet they both play the most boring football. Look for this game to be under 20 points.

And for the rest of the predictions, with all the turkey eaten, the Oracle spins an empty bottle of Cutty Sark and prognosticates:

Titans- 28
Bears- 12

Jaguars- 13
Bills- 17

Bengals- 21
Ravens- 24
(How the "F" are the Cravens 5-5?)

Cardinals- 10
Falcons- 42
(Sayonara, Cards)

NY Giants- 36
Browns- 12 (4 field goals, one with 30 seconds on the clock)

Rams- 10
Saints- 14
(This might be a turkey of a game, too)

49ers- 7
Dolphins- 17
(Wow, fins have won 5 in a row. Though I am picking them to win, this might be the perfect storm for 49ers to play a decent game and the fins to stumble and lose.)

Chargers- 21
Texans- 14
(Please, Chargers, win this game!)

Seahawks- 38
Buccaneers- 3
(Hawks soaring, look out Cowboys)

Panthers- 10
Raiders- 13
(I hope. Geez, this might be the weekend the Panthers decide to start playing great again.)

Patriots- 50
Jets-2
(Brady continues his 2016 F-U NFL Tour)

Packers- 24
Eagles- 17
(Pack will probably not win, but that's my pick. Hard to believe they are a Doormat qualifier right now.)

Gentlemen, make your predictions! (And don't forget your "Turkey of the Week" pick.)

WEEK 11 WRAP-UP AND BAR-BE-CUE

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11

AFC
Cleveland -    0-11
Jacksonville - 2-9
NY Jets -        3-7
Cincinnati -    3-6-1
San Diego -    4-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-9
Chicago -          2-8
Los Angeles -   4-6
Carolina -         4-6
Green Bay        4-6

THE LEAGUE:

The Cleveland Blank Helmets are in stretch drive mode, now, with only 5 games to go and a winless season in sight.

The Brown-outs remaining 'games':

NY Giants   (tickets for $12 available now!)
Cincinnati  (dangerous!)
@ Buffalo
San Diego
@ Pittsburgh

The only game that looks like a teetering fright is the Bengals game on Dec. 11th.   Bungles, 3-6-1, are back in the thick of the Doormat squalor, and welcome back guys.  We never tore the Bungle stickers off the barcalounger.  We'd never do that.

Hot on their heels are the San Francisco 49ers (1-9), whose offense is playing with some focus, but execution is just spotty enough to derail themselves, and their mastery of the ill-timed penalty is a big help. They lead the league in 3rd down penalties.  The real secret to the 49ers, though, is the complete lack of half-time adjustments (the Whiners never score in the third quarter.  It's something like 6 points for the whole season), and the fact that the defense just runs out of gas in the mid-third quarter every game.

THE GAMES

BROWNS 9, STEELERS 24
Browns play 2 quarterbacks.  8 sacks. It's nice to share.  Cleveland iced the game with a fumble in the end zone for a Steeler touchdown.  Excellent.

FORTY-NINERS 17,  PATRIOTS 30
It rained so hard it masked how nobody sits in the $$$ seats even when the weather is nice. It also kept the Whiners in the game...until the 4th quarter when the wheels always come off for the D...because the offense does nothing for the entire 3rd quarter...because the coaching staff..it all adds up to 9 straight losses and 5 straight games of 400+ yards allowed.

BUNGLES 12, BILLS 16
Yes a record 12 missed Extra Points in the NFL yesterday, but here, HERE they Bungles missed TWO, and made it so their last gasp final drive couldn't be ended with a tying or winning field goal.  That is some serious thinking ahead by coach Marvin Lewis.  At 3-6-1, the Bungles are BACK.

BUCS 19, CHEIFS 17
The Chiefs finally scored a couple touchdowns, but nowadays that is not enough against the 5-5 Bucs who are, good god, threatening to exit the Basement for the season.  6-10, 2-14 (Doormat Champs), and 4-12 the last three seasons, the Bucs just maybe will be leaving us.  Woo-Hoo!!

PACKERS 23,  WASHINGTON 42
OK, the Packers are the real deal.  4-6-  still only 2 games out of first.  But, come ON.  Have you watched these guys lately?  They can't get out of their own way.  6-10 entirely possible.

STIFF OF THE WEEK
LAMBS 10,  DOLPHINS 14
18 punts. Nothing doing for 3 1/2 quarters.  Jared Goff starts at QB for Rams and does nothing. Not even an interception.  Snore. Dolphins looked like absolute kee-rap for 3 1/2 quarters yesterday, and then BOOM the Lamb defense ceased to exist, like an L.A. producer who really liked your work.  Let's do lunch REAL SOON (with other people).  Lambs, once 3-1, now 4-6.  Dolphins have won 5 straight and hope to bury bury bury the Niners at sea next week.

BEARS 16, GIANTS 22
Bears were ahead at one point.  Really.  Go look it up.  They beat the point spread (7.5).  That's all that matters...apparently.   Nov. 27th  BEARS host the FORTY-NINERS.  What a match-up.  It's for all the NFC marbles.  Don't screw it up and win a game next week, either or youse guys.

GAGUARS 19, LIONS 26
Gags were dangerously ahead for most of the game, but pulled it out in the 4th quarter with handy defensive collapse.  Jag QB Blake Bortles (belch that name 4 times after guzzling a Pabst 20 ouncer) chips in with brilliant second half start- throwing a pick-six.  Man, those half-time adjustments are the cornerstone of great losing football.

The JETS had the week off.  And just how off will they be next week?

aaaaAAANDThat's the View from the Basement!!!!!

Last Night and This Week's Odds

SAINTS THWART CONCERTED EFFORT BY PANTHERS

SAINTS 20, PANTHERS 23
The most formidable specter in the Doormat world is being faced with the possibly of making it to .500.  All season, teams look up from their battered, muddy, ill-fitting cleats and squint into the glare of mediocre respectability, and race back to the safety of the Basement. If you make it to .500 who knows what the fans might expect.  Bright light gives me a headache.

The Saints have joined the legions that have come before.  Coming dangerously close to going 5-5, the Saints smartly staked the Panthers to a 23-3 lead before entering the 4th quarter.  Defeat looked assured. On the other side of the pigskin, with a solid shot at going 4-7, the Pansies had to go ALL OUT in the 4th, which really was just to run out of gas like they often do.  The Saints piled up 17 straight points...but they managed to stop the bleeding when it mattered most- at the end of the game, and still nail down the loss.

Both teams are 4-6 and hovering on the patio...and the temperature is dropping.

THE WEEKEND

Note that I am not picking winners (except in a couple games)- I'm picking whether they beat the spread or not.  Place your bets.
Team in all caps at end of blurb covers spread.

Patriots (-13)  at Forty-Niners
Everyday this line balloons another point. Could be an epic beat-down. Or the Pats take the week off and win 31-13.  Tom Brady finally gets to play a game against his favorite team when he was a kid, idolizing Joe Montana.  Patriots cover the spread as 49er defensive backfield gets spun around 17 times and falls to turf.   PATRIOTS

Steelers (-8) at Browns
Somehow, through 10 straight losses, Browns coach Hue Jackson still comes up with creative ways to lose.  He's running out of options, but can always recycle. The Steelers are 4-5 and are STILL favored by 8 points.  Should be a WHALE of a game, if you know what I mean.   STEELERS.

Giants (-7 1/2) vs.  Chicago
The Bears should certainly lose this game, but I don't think Jay Cutler can do the 1-man wrecking ball act 2 weeks in a row without arousing some suspicion.  Bears cover the spread.  BEARS.

Chiefs  (-7 1/2) vs.  Tampa Bay
Chiefs win their games by an average of 10 points.  And the Chiefs are nothing if not average.  They also have 13 interceptions, the most in the NFL.  Double that point average.  Chiefs by 20.   CHIEFS.

Detroit (- 6 1/2 ) vs.  Jacksonville
Lions see an opening, like the cat-door to the great outdoors.  The NFC North is there for taking!
Jags will win this game, just because we're all expecting the Lions to win, and anybody in Detroit knows what that means.  JAGS

Dolphins (-1 1/2) at Rams
Lambie rookie Jared Goff gets thrown to the...sea mammals in this one.  Fins have won 4 straight, actually scraped past the .500 mark, and both teams are pretty solid Parity Division members.  Lambs are desperate.  Lambs lose.  DOLPHINS

NY Jets-  The Jests have the week off.  They're sleeping it off, in fact- snoring so loud you can't hear the slobbering begging at the sliding door to the Patio, with all those 4-6 wannabes out there.

Everybody else has to lose more games for me to even CARE

-Wacko

DOORMAT WEEK 10: BEACHING THE WHALE

Been a lot of demonstrators passing by the patio this week.  We've kept the grill going with our special 'grilled' coffee available to anyone who wandered over.  Hickory chips and coffee really ain't bad.

OK, we're at the Parity Peak now.  It can't get any more parity-itious than this.  And, at times like these, it takes special fortitude, nay near Herculean strength and determination to land that big damn fish/mammal onto the shore and call it a complete loss for another week.  All of our leaders- the Bears, the Browns, the Niners, the Jaguars and the Jets- Beached the Whale this week, and every one was unique.

Butt first, the standings:


DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10

AFC
Cleveland -    0-10
Jacksonville - 2-7
NY Jets -       3-7
San Diego -   4-6
Cincinnati -   3-4-1
Indianapolis -4-5


NFC
San Francisco - 1-8
Chicago - 2-7
Carolina - 3-6
Tampa Bay - 4-5
Los Angeles - 4-5
Green Bay     4-5

BROWNS 7, RAVENS 28
We already covered it, but the second half melt-down (2 INT, 1 lost fumble) was a thing of beauty.
0-10.  Worst Browns ever and that is really really really saying something.

BEARS 10, BUCS 36
Bears employed the 'offense in first half only' strategy, and, combined with an iron-clad plan to get the Bucs in the endzone first, beached the whale.  Bears QB Jay Cutler got the Bears going in reverse in the first quarter with a pick-six at his own 20,  followed that up with 4 sacks, 2 fumbles- one for a safety- another interception and...who needs to punt with this kind of attack? Why worry?

JETS 6, RAMS 9
SNORE.  ZZZZ.  Stiff of the WEEK. 15 punts, without a single exciting return. LORD. A hard fought battle to emerge as loser, but the Jets' lone touchdown included the blown PAT, so all they had to do was keep that rookie QB out there for the whole game (Fitz injured), accomplish nothing, bore the home crowd to death, and beach the whale. Rams tried valiantly- I mean, 9 points should lose the damn game, but no dice here, Lambies.  3 field goals wins it.

JAGS 21,  TEXANS 24
The Jags took control early with QB Blake Bortles nailing a 42-yard pick-six on the first possession. Finishing the game with a late drive that makes the score LOOK close, but still preserves the loss, is becoming a Gaguar trademark. Houston got only 16 first downs, but this didn't get them any cred.

49ERS 20, ARIZONA 23
Next to the Saints stunning blocked PAT run back for a 2 point conversion to hand Denver a victory, this game had the best 'beaching' of the weekend.  Normally a team that only tries in the first half, this time the Whiners were in a real battle.  Just say CARSON PALMER to any old Cincinnati Bengals fan, and they know what we mean.  Cardinal QB Palmer came loaded for losin' yesterday, with 2 killer interceptions and a lost fumble (with running back J.J. Nelson chipping one in for good measure) to keep the Whiners in a battle that they couldn't just outright lose.  With time running out, the Cardinals got the Whiners all the way down the field and spectated while Colin Kaepernick trotted in for the tying touchdown. But NEVER fear, sports fans. With less than two minutes on the clock, it was more than enough time for the worst 49er defense of all time to get the Cards ALL THE WAY down the field for a chip shot field goal -that no kicker can really get away with shanking- for the 8th straight loss, 8th straight game allowing 100-yard runner, and BEACHING THE WHALE on the shores of San Francisco Bay...leave it there...all week.

CHARGERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Throwing a 60 yard pick-six for the game-losing touchdown, Chagrins QB Philip Rivers keeps the looming spectre of a 5-5 record at bay, and keeps the Charr-gers (4-6) out by the grill, serving coffee for at least one more week.  The team that finds more ways to blow a lead is back!  On the flipside, the Dolphins have now won 4 straight to improbably own a 5-4 record.  Go Flops!!

SAINTS 23, BRONCOS 25
Good god, it doesn't get any more embarrassing than that. Blocked extra point (for the win) at game's end turns into 100 yard runback for 2 points to nail down the loss. At home. Broncos never knew what hit them.  Still New Orleans at 4-5 doesn't get them in the basement or even on the patio, so- see what you can do next week, guys.  We'll think about it.

PACKERS 25, TITANS 47
Packers pull out all the stops and get shellacked by the Titanics.  Packers look legitimately bad.  Pretty impressive.  Titans beginning to forget how to make crucial mistakes and holy cow they blow out the Meatpackers.  Phew- put that blubber back in the freezer!!


aaaaaAAAAAaaaANd That's the View from the Basement!!!

Perfect 10 in Week 10

Cleveland is a perfect 10! Every highlight reel of the Browns from this season will now have Ravel's Bolero as the soundtrack.

And speaking of Cleveland, sorry, Doormat Fans, that these predictions are a little late in coming. I was covering the Thursday Night Football fiasco in Cleveland when a massive demonstration broke out. Angry American League fans flooded the streets, smashing windows, burning cars, and causing other kinds of mayhem as a protest against the outcome of the World Series. As reported in The Onion, fans believed that because both teams scored the same amount of runs, it should be a tie. It should not matter how many games you win. The protests have ended, but Major League Baseball has agreed to review the outcome of the Series and consider calling it a tie, and then also consider "total runs scored in the year" as the determining factor in who wins a Division. Isn't that how the Canadians do it in hockey? Or at least points scored is a factor?

BTW, every protester received a participation award.

But for now, here are the predictions for week 10:

Green Bay- 21
Tennessee- 17
(Green Bay wins a game)

Chicago- 13
Tampa Bay- 17
(Stiff of the week)

Kansas City- 28
Carolina- 14

Los Angeles- 10
New York Jets- 12
(Game of the week!)

Denver- 17
New Orleans- 24

Houston- 36
Jacksonville- 31

Miami- 10
San Diego- 42

San Francisco- 21
Arizona- 24
(The other game of the week)

Cincinnati- 14
New York Giants- 24

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Browns Humiliate Ravens in 21-point Rout

BROWN-OUTS  7,  RAVEN-POES 28

When you play the Browns, it's nerve wracking.  Will they implode in the first quarter?  The second? The entire second half?  Blow a 20 point lead or just blow it on the first couple possessions? You just never know when they are going to ambush you with an onslaught of appallingly bad football, be totally overwhelmed and never recover.

The Baltimore Ravens, a team that really tries to be mediocre but runs into trouble every time, hit a buzzsaw in the second half last night as the Browns, led by the shrewd coaching of Hugh Jackson, threw Doormat pro QB Josh McClown out there for the 2nd half, for reasons only too obvious to us here in the Basement.  The result was a blinding attack of 2 fumbles and 2 interceptions in 4 possessions that blew the game wide open and the Ravens had no answer- except scoring touchdowns and winning yet another game they thought for sure they had a reasonable chance to lose. WOW!!

The Blank Helmets are now 0-10, the best worst start in Browns history. With this kind of coaching (please god don't fire him) why wouldn't this team go 0-16 and win the Moldy Carpet for the first time in the storied history of Browns football?

But the Forty-Whiners are right behind them at 1-7 (soon to be 1-8), and they have to stay on point, or it could all be for naught.

-wacko

WEEK 9 EJECTION OF FORMER DOORMATS INTO...FIRST PLACE?!?

ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS!!!

RRRRRAIDERS 30, BRONCOS 20
We waited as long as we could.  You don't really climb out of the basement until you have guaranteed that you can't lose more than 7 games.  But this has to happen now:  CONGRATULATIONS,  OAKLAND RAIDERS, you aren't a Doormat anymore.  The team with the worst record for about the last 15 years has catapulted themselves into first place (WHAT??) in the AFC West, with a gaudy 7-2 record, and did it with a pretty complete manhandling on the offensive and defensive line.  The monstrous front line of the Oakland offense (6 down linemen on most plays), just pushed the Broncos all over the field, ran the ball through holes large and small like it was just fun to do, and gave Derek Carr plenty of time to throw the ball.

The 31st ranked Oakland D, which still somehow manages to keep the Raiders in every game, was stellar, completely shutting down the Broncos offense.  WTF, a complete game from a perennial doormat.

You never can be sure about teams that have been bad for so long...the wheels just might come off and kablooie, 7-2 turns into 7-9.  Not with these guys. Wheels not coming off. Not with those spiffy rims.

Denver did the Doormat numbers last night- no first downs for the first 5 possessions, 4 straight 3-and-outs to open the game, and the first team to get under 20:00 of possession time this year, with a stunningly measly 18:43 of ineffective offense (except for two huge plays).

The Raiders even got out-penalized,  12 to 8.  Last week they set a new NFL record with 23 for 200 yards, so wow.

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 8

AFC

Cleveland -    0-9
Jacksonville - 2-6
NY Jets -       3-6
Cincinnati -   3-4-1
San Diego -   4-5
Indianapolis -4-5
Tennessee-    4-5

NFC

San Francisco - 1-7
Chicago - 2-6
Carolina - 3-5
Arizona - 3-4-1
Tampa Bay - 3-5
Los Angeles - 3-5

 THE GAMES

BROWNS 10, COWBOYS 35
Well, this one was a no-doubter from the first ominous chip-shot field goal for the Brown-outs.  Following that up with 21 unanswered points by the Cowboys- though we often count missed field goals and punts as "answers" around here- the Blanks had no problem- like having to blow a 20 point lead- this week.   0-9 and just try and stop them.

WHINERS 23, SAINTS 41
Looking slightly sharper in the first half this week, the Whines kept up with the Saints until the intermission, after which they did their usual implosion serenade, wrapping 3 fumbles and two punts around a measly field goal, while 49er flagmen in gold hard hats directed the Saints to the end zone a couple times.  1-7 and a steamroller, baby.  However, Kaepernick is uncorking some bombs and look for the 49ers to have trouble losing to the Bears (12/4) or the Jets (12/11).  They have a lot of work to do to stay with the Browns.

JESTS 23,  DOLPHINS 27
It was anybody's game to lose, and the Jests stepped up and claimed it. Taking the lead late in the 4th quarter (23-20) on a bungled punt by the Dolphins, the Nyets kick off and pin the Flops at the 5 yard-line..but NO!  There was an offside, and this time the Jest-setters get it right- a 95 yard kickoff return for a TD and Bob's Your Uncle, they nail down another loss.  Very creative losing.

Another game in the new brand of doormat play- entertaining, lots of lead changes, whoa.  Dolphins pull into Parity Division with 4-4 record.

GAGUARS 14,  CHIEFS 19
The Chiefs, always boring, but never exciting, win by 5 points, and it feels like 30.  The Jags can out-mediocre anybody.  Just set that bar a little lower...lower.

BOOTINEERS 28, FALCONS 43
It was 40-14 at one point, OK?  Falcons coasted home with this one, as that Bucs defense...wait, did they use a defense yesterday? As Tim Gunn says on Project Runway,  they "used it carefully and wisely."  Bucs 3-5 and up against it next week against the Bears.  Huge game. Pack extra Twinkies.

RAMS 10, PANTHERS 13
Remember when the Rams were 3-1 and leading the NFC West?  I don't either.  Walkfish accurately predicted this stiff to be the STIFF OF THE WEEK, though one always has to wait for the Seahawks to play before calling that one.  3-5 now, both of them.  Panthers have won 3 straight.  I think they're headed for relevance, considering what a Pile of Parity the NFL is this year.  8-8 is gonna get you in the playoffs.

The Titanics nailed down another loss, avoiding a winning record (whew), and the Colts actually WON a game against the confused identity of the Green Bay Packers.

TONIGHT:  SEAHAGS vs. BILLS.   Somehow the Hags are 4-2-1, even though they can't score, but the Bills are at 4-4 and can almost get back in the basement with a loss tonight.  Go Nils!!

aaaAAAAAND That's the View foaming from the Basement!!!!

NFL Doormats Roll Through Mid Season: Predictions and Pontifications

Cubs Win! Cubs Win!

Ohhhh, my head. Where am I? Just a sec, I'll light a match and find the light switch. There we are. Wow, that's a shitload of empties. Nice job, gusy...guys? Hey, where is everybody?

The Cubs really did win. Last thing I remember is crackin' the 17th beer. What day is it anyway? Saturday? WTF? I was supposed to work on Wednesday...and Thursday....and Friday...hm, may not have to go to work anymore now. The whole city of Chicago may not be going to work anymore. I wonder if they will go the same way as those lovable Boston fans who were the darlings of 2004 after roaring to a World Series Win after a long, long, long drought. They aren't so lovable anymore. Arrogant sock-heads now. Can't stand 'em. Patriots don't help, either. At least the Celtics suck.

Saturday, eh? OK, let's check the paper...it's buried in the pizza boxes somewhere. Here it is. Who won Thursday Night Football?  Ah, Bucs did it, lost 43-28 to the Falcons, who may be the worst good team in the NFL. Lots of mediocrity this year. What did Wacko say, half the NFL might be 4-4?

Now, just in time for predictions, the Oracle takes an empty bottle of Jim Beam, spins it on the beer-soaked basement floor, and prophecies:

Steelers- 10
Ravens- 14
(Ravens can't lose with Ben on the sidelines, no matter how hard they try.)

Cowboys- 38
Browns- 9
(You thought it was depressing to lose the Series, here is a reality sandwich for you. I hear the Browns are starting some high school kid from Akron. Entire city of Cleveland still has a hangover, stadium empty).

Jaguars- 13
Chiefs- 28
(Jags looking better every week.)

Jets- 10
Dolphins- 42
(Doormat game of the week. Tannehill feasts on worst pass defense in the NFL. Jets prove the win in Cleveland was a flash in the pan. Dolphins lose the next 8 games.)

Lions/Vikings: whoa, this is NOT a doormat game. No prediction. But will be watching.

Panthers- 10
Rams-- 7
(Stiff of the week. LA fans get a tan, but not much else.)

Saints- 38
49ers- 3
(Saints explode. This team is schizophrenic.)

Titans- 10
Chargers- 17
(You HAVE to win this one, SD!)

Colts- 16
Packers- 18
(Two teams with nowhere to go but down. It's a toss up.)

Broncos, Raiders, Bills, Seahawks do not qualify as Doormat games. But either Bills or Seahawks will be back on the deck, looking in, and asking for a beer after this one.)

Patriots do not play. Entire NFL takes a deep breath. It's like when the boss calls in sick.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Double Back Flip Into the Trash Can Week 8 Wrapper Glued

It was a great week in the Doormat Cave, and we gave away all the Halloween candy, which was a relief from having to watch Monday Night of the Walking Dead (Bears vs Vikings).

HERE ARE THE STANDINGS

AFC

Cleveland - 0-8
Jacksonville - 2-5
San Diego - 3-5
Indianapolis - 3-5
NY Jets - 3-5
Cincinnati - 3-4-1

NFC

San Francisco - 1-6
Chicago - 2-6
Carolina - 2-5
Arizona - 3-4-1
New Orleans - 3-4
Tampa Bay - 3-4
Los Angeles - 3-4

Bears 20, Vikings 10, Panthers 30, Cardinals 20
Wow. The Walking Dead of the NFL have come off the mat with a few surprises this week, sending Vegas into a whiskey slamming swoon. Da Bares suddenly discover which end zone is theirs and slam the shaky Vikings 20-10. Jay Cutler throws for 252 yards--he missed the last 5 games--and Jordan Howard scampers for 153 yards. Yikings look strangely familiar. We might keep a spot on the couch warmed up for you. Meanwhile, the Pansies also rise from the dead and bash the Cardinals, who are in a steep swan dive right now.

Jets 31, Browns 28
At least the Brownies found a way to lose, handily folding in the fourth quarter to the Jets and perfection at 0-8. They even tossed in the meaningless TD in the last minute to make it look close. It wasn't. If the Jets thought they were the worst in the NFL, they had another thing coming. Nobody else is the Browns, nobody.

Titans 36, Jaguars 22
Over 800 yards of offense, only one turnover, 52 first downs. This was a doormat game? Jaguars storm for 14 pts. in the 4th, but still manage to get in the "L" column.

Chiefs 30, Colts 14
Yawn. Luck is sacked 6 times, throws for 200 yrds and a pic. Indiana goes out for a pizza in the third quarter.

Saints 25, Seahawks 20
Seahawks starting to have the Tiger Woods syndrome. Everyone keeps waiting for them to win, and it just doesn't happen. Soon it will be two years since the Super Bowl and memories will dim. Meanwhile, Saints continue to play as the best under .500 team in the NFL. Brees has an off day with only 35 passes and 265 yrds.

Raiders 30, Tampa Bay 24
Tampa Bay makes it scary with a 14 point rally in the 4th to send it into OT, but the home team fans still get a loss as Derek Carr tosses a 42-yrd. bomb to set up a field goal and the win. BTW, Carr thew for 498 yrds. and the Raiders masses 628 total yrds. of offense.


AAAaaaaaaaaaaand that's the view from the Basement!

Week 8 Predictions and Musings from the Oracle

Tampa Bay Buccaneers huddle before kickoff.

The Raiders are 5-2. 5-2. Really? How did that happen? Sadly, we will not be able to write about them this week, or maybe even the rest of the decade.

But we can write about the NFL Walking Dead, and with Halloween coming, it's fitting. These are teams that should be six feet under but are still, somehow, still staggering through the season and in the hunt. We are talking about Miami, Cincinnati, Baltimore, Indianapolis, Tennessee, and Tampa Bay. Let's face it, none of these teams are going to make the playoffs, but they are still within one game of their division leaders. So enjoy it while you can, home team fans, because the cliff is coming, your Jeep is in overdrive, and the brake lines have been cut. Enjoy the fall, and we will put an extra pillow for you to land on the Doormat Basement Couch! (Bring a six-pack, OK?)

And now, for the perennial Zombie teams that stalk the NFL, here are this week's predictions: 

Jacksonville- 21
Tennessee- 32
(Why so many points? Because when two teams this bad play each other, anything can happen. Look for this to be the Doormat tilt of the week!)

Washington- 28
Cincinnati- 21

Kansas City- 28
Indianapolis- 14
(If I am wrong and KC loses, it's panic time at Arrow-in-the-head Stadium.)

Oakland- 36
Buccaneers- 16
(Hey, we have two pirate teams playing. Bucs walk the plank.)

Seattle- 9
New Orleans- 33

NY Jets- 17
Cleveland- 21
(Yes, Cleveland is going to win a game but Lord I hope not. It would ruin an otherwise perfect season. This is probably the best Doormat matchup of the year. You won't want to miss this game!)

Arizona- 13
Carolina- 12

San Diego- 17
Denver- 7

Minnesota- 42
Chicago- 3
(Bears commit 7 errors and leave 14 men on base.)

49ers don't play this week so they will have a great Sunday.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!