The Doormat Division,  as filtered by Gizoogle.   The gangsta-rap version.   In particular, read the Doormat Bowl wrap-up a few posts down the page.  HILARIOUS.


http://www.gizoogle.net/index.php?search=http%3A%2F%2Fdoormatdivision.blogspot.com%2F&se=Gizoogle+Dis+Shiznit

Funeral Arrangements for Life-Long Browns Fan

Last request of life long Browns fan does not go unrecognized by the Browns.


http://www.happyplace.com/24930/ohio-mans-obituary-contains-amazingly-backhanded-request-for-the-cleveland-browns

Important Coupon

This will come in handy this year at the Brownie Bake Sale

http://www.knightlifecomic.com/2013/05/27/coupon-play/

Doormat Cold Stove Update

49ers acquire 2 ex-Browns....one more and it's the Cubbie Curse.

The San Francisco 49ers, not content to stand pat with nearly winning the Super Bowl, have taken steps to begin the long spiral back to the Basement.   First, they acquire K Phil Dawson from the Browns.  Then, they snagged back-up QB Colt McCoy from...the BROWNS.   All they need is one more ex-Brown (they gotta be fresh off the Brownie pan) and the Ex-Cub rule will go into effect.  I don't care if Dawson is the best kicker in the NFC.  They're playing with fire.   

On the other side of the bay,  the Oakland Raider's lock on ineptitude took a hit a few weeks back when they parted ways with Carson Palmer,  and hired QB Matt Flynn.  Even though Flynn hasn't actually started in any meaningful way for any team anywhere,  it's gotta be an improvement over the man whose jersey was burned in grills all over Cincinnati.   

Just ONE MORE BROWNIE.......

-wacko

Chiefs Prevail in Loss to Eagles in Doormat Bowl

ATHENS, Greece (DP)--It was buns-up football all day as the Eagles and Chiefs put on their own Clash of the Titans in a gloriously miserable football game that featured 18 punts, only 8 first downs, 7 turnovers--four of them by Michael Vic--and just two scores on offense. In the end, the Chiefs emerged as Doormat Champions, losing 17-14 to an Eagles team that, despite many golden opportunuties, just couldn't find a way to lose.

But before I get to the exciting game recap, I have to explain why it took so long to get this article finished. You see, this reporter never actually got to the game.

I was at the port of Piraeus, just 20 kilometers from Athens, catching some rays before the big game. I had heard that Greek women were generally on the gorgeous side, so I thought I might see some on the beach.

I did. They were.

Sitting at a nice little bar overlooking the beach, I started swilling ouzo with some Greek dudes who promptly challenged me, the American, to a drinking contest. I think I won as I don't remember much, but I did wake up around midnight on a yacht bound for Cyprus with Aetheos lying next to me on cushions on the observation deck. I guessed somehow I appealed to her; lots of bravery in that ouzo.

Aetheos

Aetheos saw I was awake and rolled on top of me--not an unpleasant experience--and said, "I am so grateful you have agreed to save my father from his Turkish captors."

I wasn't feeling too good about the sound of that. After some halting conversation--her English was limited and my hangover was massive--I learned that I had claimed to be a soldier for hire and a personal friend of James Bond, and that I had concocted a plan to save her father from some nasty Turks. Atheos said she would be thinking of me always as they lowered a dingy with me, armed to the teeth, and a pilot into the choppy waters about one mile off the coast of Cyprus. Soon we were speeding toward some cliffs with a huge house perched on top. That, I was told, was where Aetheos' father was held captive.

But I digress. Back to the game.

The Chiefs took the opening kickoff and quarterback Matt Cassel wasted no time, throwing an interception on first down that was returned to the Chiefs' 7 yard line. By the way, Cassel and Quinn combined for 8 TDs and 20 interceptions this year. Not easy to throw more pics than TDs. That's real dedication to badness.

Eagles got 8 chances to score, thanks to two penalties by the Chiefs, and settled for a field goal. 3-0 Eagles.

The first quarter continued without incident, other than a few fights in the stands as 75,000 Greeks chugging Retsina, eating fried squid and olives, and expecting something exciting like a soccer game can get pretty antsy. The only highlight of the first quarter was a fumble by Michael Vic on his own 12-yard line. The Chiefs, however, were unable to convert, missing a TD on a 4th and 1.

The second quarter got more interesting because Chip Kelly and Andy Reid were in the stands together. While the punt fest continued to half time, Kelly told Reid he was sure that with some adjustments, Vic could get them to the Super Bowl in two years. Reid snorted, calling Vic a coach killer. Kelly and Reid got into a heated discussion which was spotted by Greek television and it was soon on the scoreboard video. A shotgun mike was pointed at the two just in time to hear Reid say, "You're gonna miss your webbed feet, Chip, and I can't wait to get Alex Smith to KC."

It was at that moment that Brady Quinn, who platooned with Cassel all day, threw a pic-6. It was 10-0 at half time.

Half time was pretty good--at least that is what I heard because I wasn't there--with a stunning display of Greek dancers. Which reminds me of Aetheos and my story. As we put to shore in the dingy, the pilot handed me an Mac-10, a pistol, and a K-bar knife and said, "Good luck. I'm getting out of here." And he was gone.

Well, I thought, this is interesting. Maybe I can just skirt the cliffs here and get around the rocks and escape this whole mess. But the tide was coming in. Soon I was clinging to some barnacled rocks with the surf pounding me, trying desperately to get to the beach and away from the house. A big wave tore me from the rocks and beat me into the cliffs. I lost consciousness.

Devara

I woke up the next morning hand cuffed to a deck chair at the house on the cliffs with a Turkish woman staring at me. "I am Devara," she said. "The personal assistant for Mr. Aziz. And who the hell are you?"

I told her I was a sports writer for the Doormat Division.

"You are lying," she spat. "We found you lying on the beach with a machine gun. Atheos sent you, didn't she?"

"I never heard of her," I said.

"Her name is tattooed on your left buttock," she said matter-of-fact. "You are a spy."

"Wow," I thought, "I really was out of it." I told Devara my entire story. She pressed her left fist in her right palm, as if she were grinding something.

"What a silly story. You lie. You will tell me why she sent you or I will make you drink this." A bearded Turkish man stepped forward with a 16-oz. bottle of Turkish virgin olive oil. "We will not return her father until she turns over the recipe."

"Recipe?" I asked.

Devara hissed in disbelief. "You know Mr. Aziz and Mr. Kalachos, Aetheos' father, are hummus moguls vying for control of the Mediterranean hummus market. Mr. Kalachos has a recipe Mr Aziz desperately wants. You will get it for me or you will drink two of these." She tapped the bottle of oil with long, chocolate-colored nails. "Habak, make him drink."

But I digress again.

In the second half, the Eagles mounted two consecutive 80-yard drives both ending with a fumble by Michael Vic inside the 10-yard line. This time both rug balls resulted in a return for a touchdown by the Chiefs. Head coach Romeo Crennel was stunned. "Our offense hadn't crossed the 50-yard line all day, they were at the top of their Doormat game, and the defense blew it." It was 14-10 Chiefs going into the fourth quarter.

It settled into a game of field position, with the Chiefs using bad punts and penalties to back their way to the 22-yard line with just two minutes to go. Cassel tossed another pic to Kurt Coleman at the 35, who darted his way to the Chiefs' 18. The Eagles just had to hold onto the ball for 90 seconds to get the loss. Michael Vic threw two incomplete passes--ones that should have been caught but were brilliantly dropped--and then he fumbled again on third down. The Eagles were unable to cough up the ball and had to recover their own fumble. 4th and 6 on the 12, 30 seconds to go, losing 14-10, the Eagles called a time out.

The next play will go down in Doormat history. The Eagles chose to kick a field goal. Offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg reasoned they could eat more clock by kicking a field goal and then kicking off to the Chiefs. That would never leave enough time for the Chiefs to go 4 downs and turn the ball back to the Eagles. But Mornhinweg underestimated his own team. The kick was way low and glanced off the back of offensive tackle Allen Barbre. The ball pop-flied into the end zone where an exuberant Clay Harber (TE) scooped it up and spiked it in celebration of the loss. He did not realize he had actually recovered a live ball in the end zone. Touchdown Eagles! Eagles go ahead 17-14, with one of the most bizarre offensive touchdowns in Doormat history.

Reid, staring in disbelief at the team he was about to coach, said, "I have never seen this kind of inspired bumbling. In Philadelphia losing is institutionalized, Kansas City is a mystical team, as if any player who comes here is put under a spell. God help Alex Smith."

Chip Kelly agreed, adding, "The only thing Oregon and Philadelphia have in common is they have green helmets, and it's not even the same green. But Nike may help there as the only change I am making next year is for a new uniform design by Nike. It worked for the Ducks, it's gotta work here."

But I didn't actually see that. I didn't see the Chiefs get 215 offensive yards, 180 of them on defense, and I missed Michael Vic butter finger the ball for the better part of the game. Instead, I drank 36 ounces of olive oil while baking in the hot, Mediterranean sun. At that point I was so miserable I decided to tell them everything I didn't know and made up an entire story about the recipe and told them I knew where it was.

"You will take us to it," Devara sneered."Or Kalachos has a permanent accident."

I didn't really care about Kalachos, but putting an end to the olive oil and finding a bathroom was a priority. So I agreed. Maybe, I reasoned, somewhere along the way to Romania, I would find an escape.

That was how I wound up in Bucharest. I led Devara and two of her henchmen to an ancient shrine in the city (that I picked out on a map at random). "So, American pig, where?" she demanded. You would think an opportunity to slip away would have come up between Crete and Bucharest, but no. Desperate, I said, "I can't remember exactly, but it's behind a loose brick somewhere in the shrine. "Find it," she ordered.

I ran my hands over the bricks and, to my surprise, I found a loose one and pulled it out. Behind it was a key. Just my luck, I had found someone else's hiding place.

"Halt," a voice said. I turned and there was a Romanian police officer. "You are under arrest for defacing the shrine." She took the key from me and put me in handcuffs and stuffed me in her police car.

Romanian Officer Vanda

As we drove away from the cursing Devara, the officer introduced herself as Vonda. "And you will be telling me why you were stealing that key. Who do you work for?"

"I am a sports writer for the Doormat Division," I said, wearily.

"Is that a division of the CIA?"

"No, the NFL."

"What is NFL? Are they linked to Al Queda?"

"No, ESPN mostly, but the big three networks carry them too."

"Ah, so you are working for a terrorist network? Who is your contact?"

"I don't have any contacts! I got drunk on the beach instead of going to a football game and woke up in a Greek boat in the middle of this mess! Please, just arrest me. At least I might be safe in jail."

"I am not police. I am Romanian Secret Service. And your story is lie. Your are American Al Queda sympathizer. I have been watching that key for two years. How did you find it? Who is your contact?"

A car slammed into us, driving us into a retaining wall. A woman toting a machine gun sprang from the other vehicle. She ordered us to get out. She took the key from Vanda, knocked her out, and shoved me into the car. Moments later we were speeding away from Vanda. My new captor smiled and said, "I am Rebecca. Lucky we had that shrine under surveillance today. Thank you for finding the key."

Rebecca

"Uh, sure," I answered. "And you work for...?"

"I am Mossad. We have been watching Vanda and that shrine for a long time. When we get you to Israel you will be debriefed and you can tell us how you knew about the key."

"It was an accident."

"Yes, you have had many accidents. Maybe you will have more?"

Well, we did get to Israel, and I was tortured, er I mean intertrogated, er, I mean, they said to say I was debriefed, and the Mossad decided I really was a complete dufus who stumbled into the whole thing and did not know what the key was for. They apologized, paid my medical bills, gave me a new name and identity, $20,000 cash, and left me in Haifa. Which is a pretty good place to party. I had no idea that Israelis had so much fun.

Yasmina

That's where I met Yasmina, an Israeli accountant.  Say hi, Yasmina! I had always been under the impression that accountants were really boring. But I was just as mistaken about that as I was about how much fun Israelis have. So, right now I am pretty much just hanging out on the beach with Yasmina until the cash runs out, which is probably about when she will lose interest in me, or until Aetheos, Devara, or Vanda find me. So there won't be a lot of updates for the Doormat Division.

It was a great Doormat season, and the worst team really did win this year. Next year there might be some big changes. Philadelphia and Kansas City should be greatly improved--we will see about that they say that every year but this time it probably is true--and we are still expecting some stellar performances by Detroit, Phoenix, NY Jets, Jacksonville, and Cleveland.

Our next installment on this blog will be a preview for the Doormat draft, which is coming in April I believe.

Meanwhile, enjoy March Madness!

History Suggests Eagles Will Have to Bring House to Lose This One

Eagles are 4-2 against the Chiefs and beat them 34-14 in their last meeting in 2009

It was one of the best swan dives in history as the Eagles made their run to the Doormat Bowl, but oddsmakers in Athens are putting their money on Kansas City to get the big "L" in this year's match up.

"Eagles will have to bring the house to lose this one," said Jimmy the Greek through an interpreter at the Oracle of Delphi. Jimmy has been dead for over 20 years. "But that don't make no difference," he said. "I still say the Chiefs will never win this game."

Other living experts agree.

The Eagles are 4-2 overall against the Chiefs, and they blew a perfect opportunity to lose to Kansas City in 2009, but bad offensive calls on the field resulted ina 34-14 win over the stumbling Chiefs. "You don't score 5 touchdowns and plan to lose," a Philly fan who asked to remain anonymous said.

The Eagles averaged 17.5 points and over 354 yards of offense per game in 2012. On the other side of the ball they gave up 27.8 points and 343.2 yards and were ranked 29th in defense. Michael Vick and Nick Foles combined for a 79 passer rating. Overall, the Eagles were 29th in the NFL in offense, though ranked 15th in total yards. The lesson here? They move the ball but never put together more than two first downs at a time.

The Chiefs, on the other hand, managed just 13.2 points and 319 yards per game while giving up 26.6 points and over 356.5 yards--the vast majority of them in passing--per game. Defense was ranked 25th and offense was at the very bottom of the NFL. Matt Cassel had a passer rating of 66.7 and Brady Quin 60.1. One bright light, Jamaal Charles rushed for 1,509 yards and 5 TDs, almost all of them without a single block. The lesson here? Turnovers. Chiefs excelled in the fumble and TD or pick 6 plays. And the bend but don't break defense was mostly bend over defense.

It may be close, but Vegas is giving KC 8-1 odds to lose with a 9 point spread (but Charles will run for over 100 yards).

What do you think? Gentlemen, weigh in on this exciting, crucial, final contest of the worst of the NFL in 2012.

Doormat Commissioner Reverses Trade, Fines Owner

In a surprising and stern rebuke, the Doormat Commisioner announced today that he will nullify the midseason trade by team owners Walkfish and Wackoworld of the Tampa Bay Bootineers and the Detroit Kittens.

"This was a back door team swap and against Doormat Division rules," the commissioner said. "This isn't the U.S. Congress--no smoke filled rooms except in the man cave on gameday--and in this Disivision, when we lose, we lose fair and square."

The decision changes the season records for the owners, giving Wackoworld the worst record (an admirable 6-26) and therefore the 2012 Doormat Division Moldy Carpet trophy.

"It feels good to finally have this settled," Wackoworld said. "The rules have prevailed. Wish I could say the same for Congress. The Moldy Carpet will look good over the bar."

At issue was a midseason team swap that sent the Kittens to Walkfish and the Bootineers to Wackoworld. The Kittens promptly went on an eight game losing streak. The Commissioner determined that the rules require a team to be released by an owner first and then the next eligible owner has the right to pick up the team. A straight swap in private without releasing teams or publicly alerting the other owners is not allowed.

"Yeah, that was against the rules," Walkfish said in a phone interview from Athens, Greece, where he is helping with preparations for the Doormat Bowl. "But I looked up the word 'cheat' on dictionary.com and I really don't think that definition describes me. I broke the rules and that helped me lose more games, but I wasn't cheating. I was just breaking the rules."

When asked why he gets to win the Moldy Carpet when he was part of the trade, Wackoworld said, "I didn't even know there was a trade. We just emailed about it and then it just kinda happened. I dunno, there was a lot of Ranier beer going around at the time."

Besides losing the Moldy Carpet, Walkfish will be penalized in next season's team draft and will go last (sixth seed). He is also barred from owning the Lions for one season and he can't sit on the barcalounger during games.

Next year the Commissioner said there will be written rules that everybody will have read.

The Comissioner's decision will have no effect on the Doormat Bowl between Philadelphia and Kansas City in Athens, Greece on Feb. 4. Game preparations are underway and both teams have been practicing by swimming with Dolphins in the Mediterranean and drinking Ouzo with buxom Greek women with dark curly hair and a lot of attitude.

"If we can get the teams sober in time, and no paternity suits, it should be a great game," the Commissioner said.

Cheeps and Pheebles Bound for Glory in Athens

An amazing season has ended, with two of the worst teams we have seen in a very long time, the Philadephia Pheebles and the Kansas City Cheeps, locked and definitely very loaded for Doormat Bowl 2013 to be played in Olympic Stadium in ancient and magical Athens, Greece on February 4, the day after the Super Bowl.

Why Athens? Well, it was available. There was supposed to be a mock sea battle there on February 5  with replica ancient Greek ships sailing in a lake of olive oil in the center of the stadium, but a Greek worker on a break accidentally set the oil on fire with his cigar and burned the entire fleet during a practice. So the stadium is now available, though the field is a little slippery.

"Of course we welcome Amerikans to play Amerikan football here," said Likos Malachikos, mayor of Athens. "Greeks invented football. In fact, the word football comes from the Greek word Ped, which means foot, and Americans pronounce it Foot, and ball comes from Greek, "Balk" which means to shove into the ground and make to eat grass. An old shepherd's game from the days of Pericles."

Malachikos added that the average Athenian appreciates a good party when they should be at work, so Monday afternoon should be a great time for the game and the stadium should be full. "Not much else to do around here on a Monday," he said, "Unless you like to work."

"We are looking forward to playing in front of 100,000 Greeks drinking Ouzo and picking up seats with their teeth," said NFL Commissioner Roger Godell. "Greeks love a party and rarely give a damn what is happening on the field. That should work out well for these two miserable teams. Thank God we don't have to watch."

And speaking of Greeks, we will provide a full pre game analysis in the coming week. But for now, we will pay homage to Jimmy the Greek, one Greek who did know his football but not how to keep his mouth shut or at least his opinions to himself.

Jimmy Snyder was bounced from picking winners when he made some racists comments we won't repeat here. However, we bring him out of the tomb here  to make a prediction for the Doormat Bowl.

Kansas City-- 36
Philadelphia-- 32

Unless Chip Kelly is allowed to coach for the Doormat Bowl, then Jimmy is picking Pheebles by 2.

And that's the view from Athens right now.

Doormats May Crash Party in Playoffs

OK, they are not Doormat Division teams now, but they sure as heck were in the very recent past. The Vikes had a seat at the couch in Week 3 of this season. Sheesh. And how about the Dolts? 2-14 to 11-5? Remember, they played in the Doormat Bowl in Russia last February.

So it's still time for a few predictions:

Cincinnati- 36
Houston- 12

Houston gets a head start on the Doormat Division next year and is one and done in the playoffs against a perennial Doormat that has suddenly found a way to win games. Go Bungles! We love it when our Doormats win.

Minnesota- 28
Green Bay- 31 (OT)

The Yikings have to beat the Pack two weeks in a row. They almost do, but not quite enough gas to get it done. Congrats, guys! You got out of the Basement this year (but we will save you a stool and a warm PBR at the bar).

Indianapolis- 24
Ravens- 21

Andrew Luck has not been playing long enough to understand that he is supposed to lose. Dolts, the darling of the Doormat Division last year, beat the Ravens, a team that keeps falling down in the playoffs. Flacco has made the playoffs more consecutive times than any other quarterback, but no Super Bowl. Hm, kinda sounding like a guy who used to play for the Pheebles. I think he liked canned soup.

Seattle- 33
Washington- 38

Wow, what a shootout, and between two teams that really stunk just a few years back. What a change. Now, the Seahags will probably win, all the odds are in their favor, but the frozen turkey picked the Deadskins. Go Skins!

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17: THE FINAL INDIGNITY

DOORMAT DIVISION:  THE FINAL INDIGNITY

Well, me and my brother ‘Fish finally got back from the most miserable duck-hunting expedition of our lives in the muck and drizzle of the Middle Earth that is Oregon only to find a guillotine on the Basement patio, and several severed head coaching and general manager heads rolling around in the bushes.  It took us all day to mop up and get around to our final tally of the Run to the Moldy Carpet.   You know, it would have been nice if somebody’d told us ducks fly south for the winter.   I think I have pneumonia.

              

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

THE PHILADELPHIA PHEEBLES AND

THE KANSAS CITY CHEAPS!!!

Coming from out of NOWHERE, the Pheebs bumble their way to their worst season since going 3-13 in 1998,  snag the NFC title in the doormat, get everybody fired that answered a phone at Pheeble headquarters in 2012, and will get their shot at the Moldy Carpet when they meet the Kansas City Cheaps in Toilet Bowl  V,  February 7^th.   LOCATION TBA.

Over in Kansas City, the Cheaps just narrowly outlast the Jacksonville Gaguars in what was a wild final weekend as both teams pulled out all the stops.  The Gags, against the Titanics,  allowed 2 punt return TDs and TWO interception return TDs, which is just jaw dropping determination to get into the god damned Toilet Bowl, but it wasn’t enough!   The Cheaps countered with another game of professional anemia in the kind of touchdown-less drubbing other wannabes can only dream of,  getting trampled by the Broncos, 38-3. 

The Cheaps are worse in almost every category than the Gags, and had the harder schedule- as in, they played a lot more really really really bad teams and still managed to lose almost every single week.  You try losing to the Raiders twice and the Chargers twice.  That’s serious Doormat Cred, and we’ve got the Cheaps wallpaper all ready to go.

But don’t count out the Eagles, because, boy whew howdy.

FINAL STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA     4-12       -164

DETROIT                4-12        -65

U. OF PHOENIX     5-11        -107

TAMPA BAY          7- 9         -5

NEW ORLEANS     7-9          +7

AFC

KANSAS CITY        2-14      -214

JACKSONVILLLE   2-14     -189

OAKLAND               4-12     -153

CLEVELAND           5-11     -66

TENNESSEE            6-10     -141

KUDOS AND DUBIOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHO!!!!!

An astounding 3 teams climbed up out of the muck this year.  The Vikings, Redskins,

Colts were all 10 CLUB (10 losses) members in 2011, and all three have made the playoffs, with the Redskins going so far as to win their division.   The Vikings beat 4 teams with winning records, which is almost unheard of in turn-around seasons (the Lions didn’t do it once last year).   

REDSKINS:  The Shanaplan is impressive.  I’ve always kinda liked to hate this guy, football fan style, but I gotta say the ‘Skins are really fun to watch.  The Read-Option offense looks like some kinda street ball and with RGIII running the show, it just looks like good ol’ fun football.  I would want to play on that team.

VIKINGS:  Last year, the Yikings led the league with 9 come-from-ahead losses. They were terrible.  This year, Adrien Peterson  runs over the entire league, narrowly missing the all-time record for rushing yards, and Christian Ponder pulls himself together and the Vikes win the last four games to crash the playoff party. Add in knocking the Packers down a peg in the playoff seed while pullng off the W yesterday, it’s a warm, fuzzy 14º day in Minneapolis….but let’s remember this is the team that is 0-4 in the Super Bowl, and they always, always ALWAYS find a way to blow it.  Their only chance at the trophy is if the Bills get there too.   And the Bills are already off to the golf course today.  Though I live in 49er land, when I was  kid, I owned a Viking helmet and jersey.  I’ve just learned to assume the worst.  

COLTS:  The tanking-est team in the NFL last season, the DOLTS prove they weren’t that bad (and also prove it was worth it to get Andrew Luck) going from 2-14 to 11-5, and looking like the best team in the AFC South yesterday, clobbering the reeling Houston Texans, who right now look like the charlatans of the league.  All hat and no cattle.

SPECIAL MENTION:  The CINCINNATI BENGALS have back–to-back winning seasons for the first time since before Shirly Temple Black was ambassador to Czechoslovakia.  31 years.  

THE TEN CLUB

If you don’t have 10 losses, you aren’t REALLY BAD.   You don’t fire your coach (usually) and you don’t get our respect.  Except for the Chargers, who would have easily gone 2-14 if they didn’t have to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz.  The Chargers fired everybody, most likely including their PR czar, who ran up the embarrassment flag over at Blots headquarters at mid-season, insulting the fans and giving away the game about just what this team was really trying to accomplish.  They didn't make it, though!  7-9, and the worst 7-9 team...but so what.  You guys aren't even bad enough to get membership in the Basement.  Boo.

 The marquee game for the 10 Club yesterday was the Bills-Jets, as the Jets just laid down and got run over by the Bills, getting both of them membership at 6-10.  Both clubs deserved to be in, but the AFC East was a tough place to lose 10, so hats off to the Nils and Nyets!  Rex Ryan couldn’t even get himself fired.  Now that’s amazing.

HERE THEY ARE:

The returning members:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES (5-11):  5 years in a row now.  The Senior member of the Club.  The President.  The keeper of the Basement Patio BBQ flame.  This year? Not Super Bad, but bad enough. GM and coach heads rolled.   The Brownie tradition continues.  There is a sliver of hope on the horizon, especially if the Steelers continue to get worse.  Chomps is still the mascot, and who wants a svelte captain of the Dawg Pound?  It’s just wrong.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-14):  Two years in a row.  What can you say?  A franchise effort, top to bottom, year-in, year-out.  No firing yet.  Somehow, they went 8-8 two years ago.  They worked out the kinks this year, but still could not snag the Doormat AFC crown.  Curses!  

BUFFALO BILLS:  The Nils make the 10 Club on the next to last week of the season, one ahead of last year. WOW.  That’s 4 years running.  Fire the head coach! Off with his head!  That’ll fix it.

New Members:

OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-12):  yesterday the Raiders fired everybody except the head coach.   It’s a complete rethink for the Silver and Blacked out, but until the Davis family finds an exit strategy, I forsee darkness in the cystal ball, and the Raiders will continue to be prisoners of their own Black Hole.  The Curse of Chucky continues.    Guess who they need to hire as coach.  One guess. I’m tired of seeing that smirk in the broadcast booth.  I want it on the sidelines. 

KANAS CITY CHEAPS (2-12):  That’s right, they only went 7-9 last year, though we were screaming that they were far worse.  They finally got there this year.  With Jim Zorn as QB coach, look for more horrible, bumbling QB play.  Unless they already fired him, along with Romeo Crennel.  Romeo even whipped out a crutch yesterday to garner some sympathy, but it didn’t work.   The Chiefs need new QB, and new receivers, and probably new everything.   Piece of cake.  

DETROIT KITTENS (4-12):  Last year’s underdog-turned-hero,  everybody overlooked the fact that they never beat a team with a winning record.   This year, they couldn’t beat anybody.  The Kitties stink it up at the Kat Box, narrowly missing the NFC Championship, and the bags come out in Lion-Land again.  Welcome back, guys, we saved a spot on the sofa for ya.  So far, no head coach firing.  The entire defense could get sacked, though.  What a bunch of posers.

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX CARDINALS (5-11):  GM and coach fired!  Really, this team is worse than the Eagles , but they pummeled the Pheebs 27-6 back in Week 3, when they were leading the NFC West.  Remember that?  I don’t.  The Crudinals have a looooooong way to go, so they might as well go down.  This team could be a Moldy Carpet champ next year if it all goes according to plan.

TENESSEE TITANICS (6-10):  Even with yesterday’s evidence that they are no match for the Jaguars,  the Titanics make it back to the 10 Club, and did it with style, getting blown out numerous times, twice giving up 50+ points, and losing by more than 30 five times. 

NY JETS (6-10):   Mark Sanchez in a straight-across trade for Alex Smith?  Alex starts and Sanchez has to battle for 2^nd string on the Niners?  What a pipe-dream, New York.  You’ve got a TERRIBLE TEAM.

WELL, THAT”S GONNA HAVE TO DO IT FOR TODAY!  We’ll be back with the final Awards for the Doormat All-Stars.   I gotta go lie down now and  recover from 8 days in a duck blind. 

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!