WEEK 10 WRAP-UP: UPSET WEEKEND!!!

Or, Popcorn Bowl-Toss Weekend!

YOWEEEEE!!!!

BEATING THE ODDS

The Basement was rockin' yesterday, Doormat Denizens! The Bills, the Redskins, the Cowboys, the TITANS, and the Browns all beat the odds and outright won their games. An incredible weekend of upsets and defying the point spread.  Even the Cardinals beat the spread (well, 16 1/2 points is a little ridiculous).  Thankfully, a few teams- the Bucs, the Raiders and the Lions-  brought home the Bacon of Embarrassment and kept the Moldy Carpet dream alive.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

NY Giants     1-7         150     205       -55
Santa Clara    2-7         207     239       -32
Arizona         2-7         124     225       -101
Tampa Bay    3-6         232     291       -59

Detroit           3-6         202    244        -42

    

AFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland        1-8         147      272       -125
NY Jets         3-7         208      254       -46     
Jacksonville  3-7         134      170      -36
Buffalo          3-7        137     251       -114
Cleveland      3-6-1     218      263       -45
Denver          3-6         205      213      -8

BILLS 41, JETS 10
Okay, so it was the Jets, and without Sam Darnold.  7 points was a GAUDY amount to be favored by, but nobody saw this coming.  Bills QB Matt Barkley last won a game when QB'ing for Chicago, in a snowstorm, against the 49ers, two years ago.  It appeared to be the only conditions under which he could win a game. Not so!

The Bills just pulverized the Jets, converting 2 turnovers into points, racked up 451 yards of total offense, scored nearly HALF the points they'd scored all season, and just mowed the lawn with the Jets. Does it matter that the Jets were only one game better in the standings?  Not in Buffalo!  In fact, all the better because the Bills are not even in last place in the AFC East anymore. Woo-Hoo! 

Does that feel good, Buffalo?  Huh?  Does it?  The Bills get the Reeling Jaguars next week at home.  Get out to the stadium, you long-suffering fans, and scream your heads off.  Maybe it'll even snow for Mr. Barkley.

TITANS 34, PATRIOTS 10
The Titans didn't just win this game. They demolished the Pats.  Oh MY does this feel good.  We were cheering so loud the tattered Titanics wallpaper peeled off the walls!! There is no better upset than beating the Patriots, and our Titanics were underdogs by 6 1/2.  No Tom Terrific 4th quarter, baby.  No points at all in the second half for the Patsies. New England's lack of a running game turned into a 40-yard TOTAL LACK of a running game. The Titans defense just put the screws on them and QB Marcus Mariota and a balanced running attack looked like a playoff team yesterday.  Maybe it's just one week.  But Nashville and all of Tennessee will take it.  5-4 and on the plus side of the NFL.  Get off our patio!

BROWNS 28, FALCONS 16
Blank Helmet football hasn't been this fun since Brian Sipe or Bernie Kosar was dropping back and threading the needle and making Browns fans hearts stop. The Browns finally win big at home for the first time since the Harding administration (or week 13 of the 2015 season against a completely demoralized 49er team that finished 5-11). This was different. The Browns beat a team that had been averaging 25.5 points a game and had won 4 straight. And they looked flat-out exciting doing it. Browns fans witnessed a 92-yard run for a touchdown, which had to be explained to them was an actual legal NFL play by the helpful stadium ushers in the orange parkas with the pamphlets.

Brownie Baker Mayfield looked stellar...can I really say that about a Brown's QB?  Somebody ask an usher. 3 TD passes, fabulous mobility extending plays. If they'd just use a darker tone of brown on the unis, we'd be in business.  But I'm quibbling.  Throw the popcorn a little higher, Browns fans.  Good GOD that took a long time to happen.  The best 3-6-1 team in the NFL, ladies and gents.

COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 20
It's not my idea of fun to report that the Cowboys pulled off an upset, but you gotta be honest to have any credibility around here. Otherwise, I'd have to move into the broom closet with the Commodore 64 (our fabulous nerve center of the Doormat Division!) be warmed by the battered space heater, and live on scraps from the neighbor's garbage grilled on the rusted Weber BBQ out on the patio.  Are we done here?  The Eagles are not last year's Eagles, and the Cowboys shouldn't have been 7 1/2 underdogs, but underdogs they were, and about to get their coach fired.  So, a one-week reprieve for America's 2nd most tiresome team (sorry, Dallas, New England wins that one).

THE BACON OF EMBARRASSMENT

Somebody has to bring it home.  And we've still got dysfunction programmed on NFL Sunday.
Let's start with the bottom of the pit:

RAIDERS 6, CHARGERS 20
The Charrrrraiders are the creme' de la creme' of the Doormat Division.  Drive to the 1 yard line and don't score.  Commit neutral zone infractions multiple times to turn 3rd and 6 into 3rd and 1 for the Chargers.  When the Raiders got a turnover yesterday, we had to rewind it and watch it 4 or 5 times before we could understand that this had actually happened.  It's like spotting a Dodo bird.

Oh..just top to bottom.  A demoralized roster with a coach talking about being tough for building to future creating a vision of dysfunction that any fan can smell from a mile off, and see when Derek Carr bails and grounds a pass on 4th down to...wait why would you do that?  Because there's just no point. The end zone is closed for the rest of the season, Raider Nation. Just stay in the parking lot next game. You've got a better seat. 

A helpful graphic came up on the TV yesterday about the Raider 'defense':

Yards allowed:               27th (ranking)
3rd down conversions:  30th
Points allowed:             31st
Takeaways:                   31st
Rush yards allowed      LAST
Sacks                            LAST
6.8 yards allowed per play- highest in the Super Bowl era.

Let us close the crypt for now, and not view the offense's stats.  It's just too grisly for a Monday morning.

BUCS 3,  REDSKINS 16
Hold the other team to 15 first downs, rack up 501 yards of offense...and only score a field goal.
WOW.  The Redskins get to register an UPSET with this impressive effort from the Bucs, with implosionary magician Ryan Fitzpatrick dealing from the Bucs backfield.  A master of red zone disaster,  Fitz threw an INT at the Washington 7 and dealt a fumble at the 2, threw in a fumble just outside the red zone, and ...isn't that enough?  What else do you want from this man?  More beard?
The Bucs are the most bizarre 3-6 team in the league.

CARDINALS 14, CHIEFS 28
The Cardinals don't have the 49ers on their schedule for any more games.  Rookie QB Josh Rosen has a lot of learning to do.  Should go 2-14 and Moldy Carpet contender.  The most boring team in the league.

LIONS 22, BEARS 34
The Kittens have returned to the fold in the Basement.  We have set up a cat box over by the possum's area, with the possum willing to persevere through the imposition for now.  3-6 and fading fast, the Lions have tough games to lose when they have the Cardinals and the Bills in consecutive weeks 12/9 and 12/16.  Otherwise, they can run the table.

BENGALS 14, SAINTS 51
Astonishingly the bigger blowout of the weekend, topping the 52-21 PITT-CAR margin.  Yes, the Bungles have a winning record, but they almost got under the 20-minute time of possession (20:14) a feat accomplished usually only once a year, and has not been attained yet this season. 

TONIGHT'S MARQUEE MATCHUP:

GIANTS (1-7) at 49ers  (2-7)
Huge game in the City That Is Not San Francisco tonight.  Should settle the bragging rights in the NFC for at least 1 week. 

OKAY!  We still have our Moldy Carpet contenders, but HOORAY for the UNDERDOG this week!
The sun is shining a little brighter today, even from behind a massive cloud bank.

aaaAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PERFECT SEASON PARADE PLANS!!!

PERFECT SEASON PARADE PRESERVED!!

SOME PERSPECTIVE

Director John Waters once said:  "When I say action, you pick up that poodle poop and eat it."  Wait, that's not the right quote...here:  "I used to play "school" as a kid with the little girl who lived next door, and I was always the teacher and she was always the student.  Every time we played I failed her, yet she still eagerly agreed to play every time I asked, fully knowing the results. Failing can be a relief for some. A sexual position. A way of life. A choice. Some kind of happiness the never lets you down."  

Is this it, Doormat fans?  Cleveland?  Colts?  Cincinnati?  We gotta find some kinda something here in the Basement.  We gotta be able to count on our guys.  Fill the Blank Helmet chips bowl, and fish out the stale salsa from the back of the fridge.  It's our turn.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK 14

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               2-11         199       321    -122

SANTA CLARA         3-10         228      314     -86

CHICAGO                 4-9           224      274      -50

TAMPA BAY              4-9           264      312     -48
WASHBINGTON       5-8          285      344      -59

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-13        197      335      -138
INDIANAPOLIS         3-10        212     343      -131
DENVER                    4-9          229      315      -86
HOUSTON                 4-9          312      335      -23
CINCINNATI               5-8          226      271      -45
NY JETS                    5-8          266      311      -45       

THE GAMES

GAME OF THE YEAR

BROWNS 21, PACKERS 27 (OT)

Faced with the most difficult challenge of the season, the Cleveland Browns brought home the Excedrin yesterday in Green Bay, rallying from up 14 points in the 4th quarter (in what looked like a sure victory) to force a tie and then crisply blowing it in OT (a DeShone Kizer Hail Whoever interception on the 3rd play deeeep in their own territory), nailing down loss #13 and preserving the Perfect Season Parade, which cleared their $10,000 budget mark by getting a $7,000 bump from the nice people at Excedrin, who announced that they "feel your pain."  

They'd better be feeling it today, because that was the art of losing played like a Stradivarius in the hands of a frozen-fingered out of tune accordion busker on the corner of Lou Groza Blvd and Pearl St. outside Browns headquarters in Cleveland. May the swirling hot dog wrappers of disappointment settle upon your prostrate frame, providing thin cover from the cold, as you stare up into the gray sky, wondering what you ever did to deserve this...being a Browns fan. 

It was a bizarre game, all right.  Brownout fans were subjected to THREE long touchdown drives, the first time all season they've had to survive this sort of production, with the suspense of the anticipated turnover after about 5 plays causing brain aneurysms all over the Cleveland area. But no- the Browns just kept scoring. But from great heights comes vertigo and the defense stepped in where the offense couldn't, and just ran out of gas, and 20 points never looked so easy to give up. It was killer.

Hats off to the entire Browns organization on this one, and all that's left is the Bears on Christmas Eve, the last serious challenge to the Perfect Season.  The Parade?- Jan. 6th, Browns sufferers, is the date to pull yourselves up off the concrete, put on every inch of brown and orange you have, and join the procession that will be the Perfect Season Parade.  It's your only hope.  

***********************************

The Perfect Season Parade is real, BTW- here's where you too can donate:

https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-20

All proceeds, should the Browns win a game, will go to the Cleveland Food Bank, which is what they did last year after the Browns beat the Chargers for their only win.  Kind of makes one want to root for the Brownies to win just one, no?  Make a donation.  

BATTLE FOR THE ORANGE 

BENGALS 7,  BEARS 33

In our Orange You Bad division big game yesterday, it was no contest, as the Bungles out-oranged the Bears beyond all dimension, and blew, and I say blew the Bears off the field and into the win column. After last Monday's brawl vs. the Steelers, the Bengals had to field the video simulation squad, dressed to look like a defense. The Bears had no chance against this, and piled up the most points they've had all year. Andy Dalton and the Bungle offense chipped in an early touchdown and retired to the sidelines for the remainder. 

The Bengals have 3 games to go, and if they pull the plug on the roster and ice everybody down now, which looks like a good bet, they'll make the 10-loss club and be back in the Basement for a long, long loooooong winter.

BLIZZARD BALL!!!!

COLTS 7, BILLS 13

When the first possession of the game ends on downs, and punting seems like a dubious thing to try, you know you are in for a helluva game. Now, if only the Buffalo Bills can dial up a foot and a half of snow for every remaining game, they'll make the playoffs.  As long as nobody can see which way the goalposts are, and your cleats turn into snowballs if you run more than 5 feet, the Bills have a shot. 

Locked in a invisible snowball fight with the Colts for Doormat icebox supremacy,  the Nils unveiled their deep-freeze secret weapon: No, not the snow plow- 3rd string QB Joe Webb!  Joe, where ya been?  After QB Nathan Peterman- clearly cooled off from his blazing 5-interception debut a few weeks ago- disappeared in a snow drift on the sideline, the elusive Webb entered the fray and completed 2 passes.  But he only needed one. Rolling right, Webb uncorked a  34-yard flotation device in overtime to what may have been Deonte Thompson's arms sticking up out of the snow, setting up the game winning 21-yard non-slip demonstration by LeSean McCoy into what appeared to be an end zone to...WIN A GAME.  

The Clots, with Denver's win yesterday, move into sole possession of second place in the AFC Doormat.  

49ERS 26, TEXANS 16

He's Italian!  If you squint real hard, his #10 looks like #16.  He doesn't look nearly dorky or unlikely enough, but 49er fans don't care!  He's the new Joe Montana!! They're going to the Super Bow-  

Wait a minute. The Texans- they should decide on a pass defense that follows receivers and stuff. And maybe don't have defensive ends running 20 yards downfield in pass coverage.  Probably a bad idea. The 49ers sure aren't going to lose many more contests if they have QB Jimmy Garoppolo piling up 300-yard games. This is no way to stay with the Giants, that's for sure.  

The Texans, at 4-9, have the Jags, Steelers and Colts left to get at least one more huge L and make the 10-Club. Says here they do it. The Whiners still have the Titans, Jags and Rams left on the to-do list, so they can still lose the next 3, though the Titans are the shakiest 8-5 team in the league.  But, let's face it, Jimmy G guy may not be Joe Cool, but he's a real QB. Doormats don't have real QBs.  A ray of happiness descends on the Red and Gold Faithful.  

GIANTS 10, COWBOYS 30

Not even a hated rival in a long long rivalry can get the Flailing Giants into any sort of danger of winning.  But it's not a lock, yet- the 49ers are playing playoff teams for the last 3 games, and the Flailers get the Eagles with no Carson Wentz, and then the Cardinals and the Skins, so...they have to be just hitting the hot tub and trying not to get injured at this point, right?  There's nobody even at the helm.  

EAGLES 43, RAMS 35

Yeah, I know they aren't Doormats anymore, and kind of never were, but losing Carson Wentz for the rest of the season and playoffs really hurts, man.  That game yesterday was just flat out fun, and now...poof. 

JETS 0,  BRONCOS 23

Riding an 8-game losing streak, the Broncos run into a buzzsaw of futility, and get spit out into the win column by the Basement-ready New York Jets. The Nyets uncorked a 6-first down masterpiece of nothing: 100 total yards and 8 punts of a magic disappearing act by the offense, and the defense ran out of oxygen just running their competitive flab out onto the field from the locker room into the thin air of Denver. Wheeze.

Jets move to within a game of the Broncos, and are slouching towards the 10-club.

Sorry to see QB Josh McCown, who has had the best year of his career, get knocked out for the season with a hand injury. The Jets are close to being Parity Promising, but just zero-out every coupla games and lose like they mean it.  

RAIDERS 15, CHIEFS 26

I know this is a Parity game, but the Silver and Blacked Out looked so bad, in a game that was huuuuuge. Whoa. Raider QB Derek Carr just keeps waiting until later and later to start playing ball. Pretty soon, he'll finally be on his game in the after-game press conference. 

In fact, I think he was yesterday. Starting games like you have no idea how to get downfield is a top-down planning thing, so hat's off to the Raider coaching staff for this bomb.

TITANS 7, CARDINALS 12

The Titans are 8-5 and in the playoff sniff, but you'd never know it watching this one.  Doormat All-Star Blaine Gabbert is steering the Cardinal van, and he's doing a good job of keeping it out of the end zone, but 4 field goals still hangs a W on your scorecard when the Titans shut it down like they did yesterday.  Ka-lunk!

The Run to the Moldy Carpet is a not a done deal yet, fans.  The Browns gotta cash in two more losses to lock it down, as the Giants show no sign of letting up.  

aaaAAAAAND That's the View From the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!

WEAK 12 REPORT AND AUTOPSY

WEAK 12 CHEESE BALL BOMBS

FADING HOPES IN COLD CLIMES and

BEING JUST BADENOV, BORIS

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 12

AFC
Cleveland -    0-12
Jacksonville - 2-10
NY Jets -        3-8
Cincinnati -    3-7-1
San Diego -    5-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-10
Chicago -          2-9
Los Angeles -   4-7
Carolina -         4-7
Green Bay        4-6


BROWNOUTS 13, GIANTS 27
Who can lose a game where the opponent punts 9 times?  The Browns!  Who can lose a game where your opponent gets only 13 first downs?  The Browns!  Who else can lose a game where your opponent gets 100 penalty yards to your measly 35?  Nobody but the Browns!!  Of course fumbling away the ball 3 times, with one of those for a fumble-six, kinda helps.

0-12 AND the worst uniforms in the NFL. C'MON, those are ghastly.  Somebody get that ownership a medal, and make it out of an old Trabant (worst car ever made) grill.  

LAMBS 21, SAINTS 49
Maybe Saints coach Sean Payton is still a little steamed at his old defensive (hits for cash!) coordinator, who now works for the Lambs. It has to hurt your eyes after a while, doing the laser glare at the opposing bench for an entire game.  Actually, Lambie QB Jared Goff must have felt like he was back at Cal:  high scoring game that is exciting for 3 quarters and then you end up getting blown out. Trick plays by the bushel in this one.   

WHINERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Honesty: Chip Kelly and Colin Kaepernick seem to be getting on the same page.  Kaepernick accounted for over 400 yards of offense yesterday.  He was THE man.  They nearly tied the game with 2 seconds to go.  Man, that was a close one.  Luckily for the Whines, he does not play defense, and whoa is that defense just as porous as Chip's most porous Oregon defenses over the years. I swear they couldn't stop a baby stroller pushed by an exhausted diaper-whipped dad. And I should know.  Humongous game next week vs. the Bears.  

JESTS 17, PATRIOTS 22
Another close call for a Doormat yesterday.  Good God, what were the Jests thinking, being ahead deep in the 4th quarter??  Well, relax, fans- the Patriots were safely guided down the field for the go-ahead TD, and Jets QB Ryan "Let Me Blow This" Fitzfumble fumbled away the Jests last fumbling 'chance.'   Jests still in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet, but not really because the Browns will win 1 game at most.  

BEARS 21, TITANS 27
The Barelys do it again- look like they are getting shellacked, and then stage the Futile Comeback and make it look like they tried.  It's a lot of Looking Like, and very little of Actually Being.  Who knew that Soldier Field was a land of fantasy?  Titans have risen to 6-6.  Look out world, a Doormat is crawling up out of the muck.

BUNGLES 14, RAVEN-POES 19
At the beginning of the season, the Bungles were a favorite to challenge for the AFC Championship.  Oh PLEASE. This is the Bungles we're talking about here, and they've already had two winning seasons in a row, and that's way way way more than should be asked for here.  Are they burning Andy Dalton jerseys in their BBQ's in the parking lot?  Are there still scraps of a Carson Palmer jersey in there?  You gonna eat that chicken leg?

GAGUARS 21, BILLS 28
Gags extend their losing streak to 6 games, now, and in this one showed a lot of savvy in losing the lead 5 times.  Not to be denied!  Rack it up!! Wild game up in Buffalo...look out, the Bills are 6-5.  How long has it been since they've been over .500 this late in the season?  Usually by now you know they'll get to 10 losses.  ANOTHER DOORMAT crawls out of the BASEMENT!!!

BUCS 14,  SEAHAGS 5
And yet another perennial loser and close friend is breathing the rarified air in the winning column.  6-5 and snuffing the Hags with ferocious defense (3 turnovers) has GOT to feel good.  

RAIDERS 35, PANTHERS 32
The Raiders' Derek Carr goes out for one series with a jammed pinkie, and the Panthers pounce on it like it was 25 points, which is what happened. But...Carr came back in, and this guy is amazing.  Well, here's our fabulous  Doormat Champ stomping all the way to the #1 seed in the AFC today.  GOOD GRIEF.  

aaaaaand THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!

WEEK 9 EJECTION OF FORMER DOORMATS INTO...FIRST PLACE?!?

ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS!!!

RRRRRAIDERS 30, BRONCOS 20
We waited as long as we could.  You don't really climb out of the basement until you have guaranteed that you can't lose more than 7 games.  But this has to happen now:  CONGRATULATIONS,  OAKLAND RAIDERS, you aren't a Doormat anymore.  The team with the worst record for about the last 15 years has catapulted themselves into first place (WHAT??) in the AFC West, with a gaudy 7-2 record, and did it with a pretty complete manhandling on the offensive and defensive line.  The monstrous front line of the Oakland offense (6 down linemen on most plays), just pushed the Broncos all over the field, ran the ball through holes large and small like it was just fun to do, and gave Derek Carr plenty of time to throw the ball.

The 31st ranked Oakland D, which still somehow manages to keep the Raiders in every game, was stellar, completely shutting down the Broncos offense.  WTF, a complete game from a perennial doormat.

You never can be sure about teams that have been bad for so long...the wheels just might come off and kablooie, 7-2 turns into 7-9.  Not with these guys. Wheels not coming off. Not with those spiffy rims.

Denver did the Doormat numbers last night- no first downs for the first 5 possessions, 4 straight 3-and-outs to open the game, and the first team to get under 20:00 of possession time this year, with a stunningly measly 18:43 of ineffective offense (except for two huge plays).

The Raiders even got out-penalized,  12 to 8.  Last week they set a new NFL record with 23 for 200 yards, so wow.

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 8

AFC

Cleveland -    0-9
Jacksonville - 2-6
NY Jets -       3-6
Cincinnati -   3-4-1
San Diego -   4-5
Indianapolis -4-5
Tennessee-    4-5

NFC

San Francisco - 1-7
Chicago - 2-6
Carolina - 3-5
Arizona - 3-4-1
Tampa Bay - 3-5
Los Angeles - 3-5

 THE GAMES

BROWNS 10, COWBOYS 35
Well, this one was a no-doubter from the first ominous chip-shot field goal for the Brown-outs.  Following that up with 21 unanswered points by the Cowboys- though we often count missed field goals and punts as "answers" around here- the Blanks had no problem- like having to blow a 20 point lead- this week.   0-9 and just try and stop them.

WHINERS 23, SAINTS 41
Looking slightly sharper in the first half this week, the Whines kept up with the Saints until the intermission, after which they did their usual implosion serenade, wrapping 3 fumbles and two punts around a measly field goal, while 49er flagmen in gold hard hats directed the Saints to the end zone a couple times.  1-7 and a steamroller, baby.  However, Kaepernick is uncorking some bombs and look for the 49ers to have trouble losing to the Bears (12/4) or the Jets (12/11).  They have a lot of work to do to stay with the Browns.

JESTS 23,  DOLPHINS 27
It was anybody's game to lose, and the Jests stepped up and claimed it. Taking the lead late in the 4th quarter (23-20) on a bungled punt by the Dolphins, the Nyets kick off and pin the Flops at the 5 yard-line..but NO!  There was an offside, and this time the Jest-setters get it right- a 95 yard kickoff return for a TD and Bob's Your Uncle, they nail down another loss.  Very creative losing.

Another game in the new brand of doormat play- entertaining, lots of lead changes, whoa.  Dolphins pull into Parity Division with 4-4 record.

GAGUARS 14,  CHIEFS 19
The Chiefs, always boring, but never exciting, win by 5 points, and it feels like 30.  The Jags can out-mediocre anybody.  Just set that bar a little lower...lower.

BOOTINEERS 28, FALCONS 43
It was 40-14 at one point, OK?  Falcons coasted home with this one, as that Bucs defense...wait, did they use a defense yesterday? As Tim Gunn says on Project Runway,  they "used it carefully and wisely."  Bucs 3-5 and up against it next week against the Bears.  Huge game. Pack extra Twinkies.

RAMS 10, PANTHERS 13
Remember when the Rams were 3-1 and leading the NFC West?  I don't either.  Walkfish accurately predicted this stiff to be the STIFF OF THE WEEK, though one always has to wait for the Seahawks to play before calling that one.  3-5 now, both of them.  Panthers have won 3 straight.  I think they're headed for relevance, considering what a Pile of Parity the NFL is this year.  8-8 is gonna get you in the playoffs.

The Titanics nailed down another loss, avoiding a winning record (whew), and the Colts actually WON a game against the confused identity of the Green Bay Packers.

TONIGHT:  SEAHAGS vs. BILLS.   Somehow the Hags are 4-2-1, even though they can't score, but the Bills are at 4-4 and can almost get back in the basement with a loss tonight.  Go Nils!!

aaaAAAAAND That's the View foaming from the Basement!!!!

NFL WEEK 16 WRAP-UP and PLAYOFF MIRAGE

DOORMAT NFC SORTED- BUCS WIN THE NFC! BILLS OUT OF PLAYOFFS 16 YEARS AND COUNTING! BROWNS ARE BACK! NFC SOUTH BATTLE THIS WEEK! MY DOG HAS FLEAS!

PUNTING RECORD for RAIDERS! EXCLAMATION POINT! 

THE BIGGEST  FOOTBALL-LIKE THING TODAY:

BUCS win the DOORMAT NFC 

BUCCANEERS 3, PACKERS 20  

Obviously inspired by last week's Cleveland (Doormat Gods) Browns, the Tampa Bay Bootineers whip out a game of near poetry against the Packers-  6 first downs, 107 total yards (147 yards passing minus 7 sacks for 54 yards, plus 16 yards rushing).  54 yards in sacks means the QB runs backward in the face of the rush. They had more penalty yards- 30- than rushing yards.  That's a LOT of reverse gearing. They left no doubt- thanks to the Deadskins' non-loss to Philadephia- the Boots WIN the Doormat NFC with a week to spare!  In honor of this occasion, the Bucs will be wearing their throwback orange unis next week.  

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

x-Tampa Bay    2-13             257      387     -130

Washington     4-11              284      394     -110

Chicago          5-10              310      429     -119

NY Giants        6-9               354      366      -12

New Orleans    6-9               378      404      -26

AFC             

Tennessee        2-13            231       390    -159 

Oakland           3-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     3-12            211       376     -165    

NY Jets            3-12            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-8              276       300     -24

REDSKINKS/SUNBURNS/NATIVES 27, EAGLES 24

Benching your once-franchise quarterback for 3 weeks with a totally mediocre QB, and then putting your QB back in is not a formula for success in the Doormat- especially when Mark Sanchez is under rump for the opposition. RGB-three-p-o returns and torches the Eagles, while Sanchez continues his blaze of 14 turnovers in 7 games, and those aren't wasted turnovers, folks. Those are on-the-money game-killing turnovers. The result is the Deadskins lose out on their chance at being the worst team in the NFC, something they haven't done since...oh, that's right, LAST YEAR.

AFC LOGJAM

Despite the Tennessee Titans move into sole possession of the AFC Division in the Doormat, the Jets, Jags and Raiders still have a shot at the Moldy Carpet, and we're holding our breath until the full force of the bong hit lands in our- I mean UNTIL next week when all will be revealed...like smoke clearing from a hacking exhale.

RAIDERS 26, BUFFALO 24 

It is only fitting that the team with the second-longest playoff drought knocks the team with the longest playoff drought out of playoff contention. 16 years and counting for the the Nils, and the Raiders, of course, make it 13.*  The Silver and Blacked Out have won their last 3 home games, and who wouldn't with that crazed crowd bellerin' at the top of their lungs through 30,000 Halloween costumes and decidedly working class fervor. What a scene. The Raiders should not move. Raider QB Derek Carr looks like the real deal, and, despite still being in contention to win the Moldy Carpet, this team is playing with a lot of fire- when at home- and aren't behaving like a dysfunctional football team. They need to win next week at Denver (maybe they'll rest Peyton) and give a more deserving doormat a shot at the Moldy Carpet. Special note:  Raider punter Marquette King has 100 punts, the Raider record. He'll need 14 more to tie the NFL record, which is imposs-  let's just see what happens next week.

*see our previous post for longest playoff droughts.  None of the teams on the list will make the playoffs this year.

JAGS 21, TITANS 13

The Jags can't stay with the Titans, and they know it.  They'd probably clobber the Bucs, as well.  The London Jaguars can still win it, though, as these teams have split their season series, and the tie-breaker is point differential.  Titans play the Colts next week- Colts tend to clobber bad teams and lose huge to good teams (see yesterday), and the Jags travel to Houston, who only need to win and the entire league to lose next week in order to make the playoffs.

BROWNS 13, CAROLINA 17

The Panthers, led by mostly disassembled Cam Newton, shove the Blank Helmets into the Basement, and we're LOVING it.  Was it only 7 weeks ago the Brownies were 6-3, had just defeated the Bengals and were living large at the top of the AFC North-Central-Mid-muckluck?  It was!  They've gone 1-5 since, slowly dismantling into dysfunction and next week at Baltimore should wrap up this disaster of a season at 7-9. We make room on the orange couch for this grand Patriarch, who can regale the rest of the acolytes in the Basement for the whole winter.  Cozy up to our crummy space heater, Brownie fans- next year Johnny Party-Down will be leading the Blank-ness into the blizzard. Chew on that dog bone, Dawg Pound.

JETS 16, PATRIOTS 17

The Nyets made it close, and that's close enough. Rex Ryan should be fired- I mean, just because he's never had a good QB in his entire coaching career should not factor into this. Now that the Raiders have found a QB (which they had not done through the draft since the 19th century), it's the Jets that lead the way with disastrous draft choices at the position. Next week's loss: at Miami. Good God, they might win that game- you can bet all of New York is rooting for the faceplant and a shot at Marcus Mariota...who kinda fits their model for draft choices, though a better version. Scary pick for the Jets.

DA BARES 14, DETROIT 21

Chicago at least ties with Cleveland for best 2nd half of season tank job, and wins for team dysfunction. The leaked coaching staff comments about QB Jay Cutler are the tip of the iceberg.  They can only finish 5-11, but considering they were 3-3 at one point, I say Job Well Done!

VIKINGS 35, MIAMI 37

4th down.  Just over a minute to go.  Tie game.  You have to punt from your own end zone.  How about just hiking the ball in the dirt, and the punter gets the boot blocked out of the end zone for a safety?  Game over!  The Yikes may be a disappointment here in the basement, but they can still make the 10 Club with a loss..but here come Da Bares to what I hope is just a total freezer of a game at the Golden Gopher Hole. Yikes will have to go all out to lose that one.  I kinda doubt it.  

KANSAS CITY 12, PITTSBURGH 20

Ok, the Cheaps still have a winning record, but Alex Smith STILL hasn't thrown a TD pass to a wide receiver all season.  And they just look like the most boring team on earth. 

49-WHINERS 35, CHARGERS 38 (OT)

Exploding out to a 28-7 first half lead, the Kings of the 2nd Half Collapse do their biggest stinker of the year, and the Chargers are alive in the playoff hunt.  Man, those halftime sessions have just got to be the best Doormat speeches ever devised by people pretending to be people, and delivering a message of platitudinous tune-out to people they almost think of as people.

RAH RAH RAH BLAH BLAH!!

Also, 49ers win, by a humongous margin, for worst expensive seat fans.  They call it the Red Hole, because there is nobody there, and it is at the 50 yard line on both sides of the field, and they're all underground in the lounge, sitting on plush seats and discussing stock margins and feeding on the little people.  What a dump.

NFC SOUTH

Carolina vs. Atlanta for all the marbles this week.  7-8-1 or 7-9, win a Division and host a playoff game.  Doormat Glory!   

ONE MORE WEEK TO GO TO THE FINISH LINE FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!!!

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!  

NFL WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PUNT INTO THE BLACK HOLE!!!

RRRRADIERS!  WHINERS!  JAGS AND TITANICS MOVE INTO 1ST!  VIKINGS TEETER ON RESPECTABILITY!  BROWNS SET TO RETURN TO BASEMENT!  NFC SOUTH CONTINUES MARCH TOWARDS...US!

Basement Duty

Sorry to be getting this out late, folks, but it took a looooong time to get out of the Black Hole and across the Raider parking lot yesterday after the game.  It was all serenity and love and...a lot of something else which we are nursing with the strongest coffee our outdoor grill can brew.  The basement is really really heating up, and that's not just because we finally got the other 1951 GE heater to stop shorting out.  Now that the beer-soaked carpet is a little less ooze-y, we can get down to business on the Commodore 64, and man did the Doormat Division have a great weekend.

RAIDERS 24,  SANTA CLARA 13
If you didn't see this, and you sure should have, the score is more like 41-3. The Battle of the Bay was all Raiders yesterday. Shedding their Doormat Division leading status, and instead coming out like the team that has a plan, the RRRRRaiders shellack the 49ers in the kind of humiliating beat-down only a team with Doormat aspirations can absorb.  The 49ers came out with guns blazing- QB Colin Kaepernick throws a strike to Raider DB Brandian Ross on the first play, and but for a brief feint at trying, after their only touchdown, Kaep dished up an array of over-thrown rockets and bullets into the dirt wrapped around a frantic performance in the pocket that looked for all the world like he's getting his play calls off his tattoos instead of the wrist wrap thing that for some bone head reason he still has to wear to know what's going on.   The Raider defense was flying around with brains in their helmets, unlike last week.

If there was any doubt about the 49er intentions yesterday, coach Harbaugh dispelled them by coming charging out of the tunnel with his team and....immediately running over to Raider Owner Mark Davis for a quick chat.  "Say, when do you want to talk contract for next season?"   I have never seen that.  Ever.

The Raider offensive line had no answer for the completely ineffective 49er D-line (hey, stop pushing!), and was forced to give QB Derek Carr enough time to age wine in the backfield. Once he popped the cork in the second quarter, Carr shredded the depleted bumbling 49er linebackers for solid gains the rest of the day.  The RRRaiders scored on consecutive possessions for the first time all season.  Carr looked- GREAT.  Really. Honest. Great job, Niners! Watching 300lb + tackle Donald Penn catch a TD pass and get a beer bath in the Black Hole was priceless...although I did pay for my ticket.

Seasoned Doormat readers know that if you give a Doormat extra time to prepare for a game, they'll really really blow it.  The Niners had 11 days to mangle whatever game plan they had, ignoring their running, scrambling and whatever else is left of their falling-on-deaf-ears coaching to deliver a must-lose stink bomb.  With the three games to go, against three teams they should get plastered by  (Seahawks, Chargers, Cardinals), the Whiners can wrap it all up at 7-9 and at least have Patio status here in the Basement.  What a season!  They've scored less TDs than the Raiders (23-24)!

The Raiders fall out of first and plummet to third, but only based on tie-breaker.  So, marvelous as the win was yesterday, they still have a solid chance of taking the Moldy Carpet.  After their last win, they brought in a 52-0 bomb, so, you know?

Here's this week's standings, and then let's run over the rest of the games with the snow plow-

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-11              237      348      -111

Washington     3-10              244      346      -102 

NY Giants        4-9               293      326      -33

Carolina          4-8-1            269     341       -72

New Orleans    5-8               333      359      -26

AFC             

Jacksonville     2-11            199      356      -157

Tennessee        2-11            220      374      -154

Oakland           2-11            200      350      -150           

NY Jets            2-11            214      349      -135

Cleveland*        7-6

*membership granted due to length of service and probable rest of season.

It's really pretty amazing that just 4 teams are handling all the losses for the entire AFC this year.

JAGUARS 13, TEXANS 27
The Gags play classic standard Doormat ball, scraping out a meager first-half lead (13-10), and then shut themselves out in the 2nd half.  Done and Done!   Jags are back in first the Doormat AFC.

TITANICS 7, GIANTS 36
The Titanics moved into a tie for first with the Jags and Raiders, and looked formidable doing it.  Going against the most implosive team in the NFL, the Titanics shrug off the Giants and their 7-game losing streak, and make it to 7 straight losses themselves. They staked the Giants to a 30-0 lead before Eli Manning did his usual pick-six or fumble/TD act, and the Titanics had to walk one in for a score.

JETS 24, VIKINGS 30 (OT)
It didn't come easy, but the Jets still pulled out the loss.  Former Viking WR receiver Percy Harvin nearly messed it all up, playing like the all-star he once was, but he exited with a sprained ankle in the 4th quarter and game momentum changed.  Despite Harvin's antics, the Jets kept it to one TD and FIVE Nick Folk field goals, keeping the loss attainable with just one dumb play, and once they got to overtime, they got it- a Vikes 89-yard TD pass for the win.  Vikings are a Parity team, now, hard to believe- but the Jets are tied for first in the logjam in the Doormat AFC.

BUCS 17, LIONS 34
It was close at halftime (17-10 Lions) but it was Doormat close. Bucs eat the post-game spread at the  half and come out like a team running in sand- Kat Box sand- for 26 total rushing yards.  Which is why the Kat Box is becoming a home-field advantage for the Kittens.  Bucs maintain one-game lead in Doormat NFC.

WASHINGTON 0, RAMS 24
Two shut-outs in row now for the Rams.  These guys better finish up with a winning record, because I'm not even allowing them on the Patio, even if they finish 7-9.  Much more deserving teams for that honor.  Deadskins QBs Colt McCoy and RGB III keep movin' on backward with seven sacks for an impressive -53 yards.  Toss in 3 turnovers and you will not lose to this team.  Forget it.  The Sunburns maintain pressure on Bucs for first in Doormat NFC.  They can still take the Moldy Carpet.  The mold is growing just for them.

BROWNS 24, COLTS 25
And the Johnny Timebomb era begins in Cleveland.  Browns almost win game, despite not scoring offensive touchdown.  And with Colts QB Andrew Luck doing his usual charity drives in the first half (two TDs for Brownie defense), the Blank Helmets were threatened with victory.  But, Brownie QB Bryan Hoyer has the footwork of a middling high-school QB, which he had on full display yesterday,  though I think Cleveland fans do a lot of avoidance therapy when the Browns have the ball. Did I just get a text?  Hoyer has danced himself to the bench.

SAINTS 10, PANTHERS 41
Just when you think someone is going to win 6 games in the NFC South, they throw you a curveball.  If Atlanta can lose tonight in Green Bay, just about a 100% chance,  there will be three games to play with only the faintest of faint glimmers that any of these teams can finish 8-8.  We're sticking to the 6-10 and they make it to the Super Bowl.  6-9-1 can even do it.  Absolutely pummeling the hapless Saints  in a physical mauling that has not been expected from the Pansies all year, Cam Newton and company pull the NFC South down one more notch and closer to glory.  I can't believe the determination and guts this division is showing to blow up the Super Bowl this season.

Something's GOTTA GIVE next week, folks- who can give the most?

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!