WEAK 12 REPORT AND AUTOPSY

WEAK 12 CHEESE BALL BOMBS

FADING HOPES IN COLD CLIMES and

BEING JUST BADENOV, BORIS

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 12

AFC
Cleveland -    0-12
Jacksonville - 2-10
NY Jets -        3-8
Cincinnati -    3-7-1
San Diego -    5-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-10
Chicago -          2-9
Los Angeles -   4-7
Carolina -         4-7
Green Bay        4-6


BROWNOUTS 13, GIANTS 27
Who can lose a game where the opponent punts 9 times?  The Browns!  Who can lose a game where your opponent gets only 13 first downs?  The Browns!  Who else can lose a game where your opponent gets 100 penalty yards to your measly 35?  Nobody but the Browns!!  Of course fumbling away the ball 3 times, with one of those for a fumble-six, kinda helps.

0-12 AND the worst uniforms in the NFL. C'MON, those are ghastly.  Somebody get that ownership a medal, and make it out of an old Trabant (worst car ever made) grill.  

LAMBS 21, SAINTS 49
Maybe Saints coach Sean Payton is still a little steamed at his old defensive (hits for cash!) coordinator, who now works for the Lambs. It has to hurt your eyes after a while, doing the laser glare at the opposing bench for an entire game.  Actually, Lambie QB Jared Goff must have felt like he was back at Cal:  high scoring game that is exciting for 3 quarters and then you end up getting blown out. Trick plays by the bushel in this one.   

WHINERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Honesty: Chip Kelly and Colin Kaepernick seem to be getting on the same page.  Kaepernick accounted for over 400 yards of offense yesterday.  He was THE man.  They nearly tied the game with 2 seconds to go.  Man, that was a close one.  Luckily for the Whines, he does not play defense, and whoa is that defense just as porous as Chip's most porous Oregon defenses over the years. I swear they couldn't stop a baby stroller pushed by an exhausted diaper-whipped dad. And I should know.  Humongous game next week vs. the Bears.  

JESTS 17, PATRIOTS 22
Another close call for a Doormat yesterday.  Good God, what were the Jests thinking, being ahead deep in the 4th quarter??  Well, relax, fans- the Patriots were safely guided down the field for the go-ahead TD, and Jets QB Ryan "Let Me Blow This" Fitzfumble fumbled away the Jests last fumbling 'chance.'   Jests still in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet, but not really because the Browns will win 1 game at most.  

BEARS 21, TITANS 27
The Barelys do it again- look like they are getting shellacked, and then stage the Futile Comeback and make it look like they tried.  It's a lot of Looking Like, and very little of Actually Being.  Who knew that Soldier Field was a land of fantasy?  Titans have risen to 6-6.  Look out world, a Doormat is crawling up out of the muck.

BUNGLES 14, RAVEN-POES 19
At the beginning of the season, the Bungles were a favorite to challenge for the AFC Championship.  Oh PLEASE. This is the Bungles we're talking about here, and they've already had two winning seasons in a row, and that's way way way more than should be asked for here.  Are they burning Andy Dalton jerseys in their BBQ's in the parking lot?  Are there still scraps of a Carson Palmer jersey in there?  You gonna eat that chicken leg?

GAGUARS 21, BILLS 28
Gags extend their losing streak to 6 games, now, and in this one showed a lot of savvy in losing the lead 5 times.  Not to be denied!  Rack it up!! Wild game up in Buffalo...look out, the Bills are 6-5.  How long has it been since they've been over .500 this late in the season?  Usually by now you know they'll get to 10 losses.  ANOTHER DOORMAT crawls out of the BASEMENT!!!

BUCS 14,  SEAHAGS 5
And yet another perennial loser and close friend is breathing the rarified air in the winning column.  6-5 and snuffing the Hags with ferocious defense (3 turnovers) has GOT to feel good.  

RAIDERS 35, PANTHERS 32
The Raiders' Derek Carr goes out for one series with a jammed pinkie, and the Panthers pounce on it like it was 25 points, which is what happened. But...Carr came back in, and this guy is amazing.  Well, here's our fabulous  Doormat Champ stomping all the way to the #1 seed in the AFC today.  GOOD GRIEF.  

aaaaaand THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 7 WRAP-UP AND FAKE PUNT!

ONLY ONE UN-VICTORIOUS TEAM LEFT.  DOORMAT MASTERPIECES ABOUND.

JAGUARS 24,  BLANK HELMETS 6
The Jags....WIN??  The Brownies come storming back into the Basement with a complete turkey. After their big "we're not a Doormat anymore" game against Pittsburgh, Cleveland arrives in Jax in a generous mood.  No running game (69 yards).  13 first downs. Losing the ball TWICE in their own red zone, both times setting up the Jags for  'drives' at the 2-yard line. Jags cash in both times for TDs.  It's not like the Gags weren't in losing form- they punted EIGHT times, threw three interceptions, do almost nothing on offense...and WIN THE GAME!  Actually, the Blank Helmets got the Jags 185 yards rushing.  Jags fall from the bottom-feeding depths of the un-victorious and now have to hope the Raiders somehow, some way win a game.  Gags win for first time in 10 months. They can cross 'get one win' off their bucket list now.

RAIDERS 13, CARDINALS 24
It was a victory of sorts.  The Raydurz held the Cards under 30 points!  3 games in a row of holding opponents under 30.  Let's celebrate!  Plus, they are now the last un-victorious team in the entire NFL.  0-6 and heading into...Cleveland, a Doormat quagmire.  But, since the Silver and Blacked Out really don't have a defense (Cards converted 60% of 3rd downs), the Browns will rebound from their afternoon of the Jaguar juggernaut and bury the Raiders.  Raydurz have now lost 12 in a row.  Longest losing streak in the league.

RAMS 28, SEAHAWKS 26
Lambs pull off best fake punt reception I have ever seen....in fact, I don't know if I've ever seen one before that.  Great 'deke' football play. That was hilarious, and anything that brings out the 'Disbelief' look on Pete Carrol's mug is worth a thousand punts.  Go Lambs.

TITANICS 17,  REDSKINS 19
This was definitely one of those "no YOU take it" games. The Titanics make Washington 3rd-string QB Colt McCoy, who started the 2nd half, look like an all-star as they narrowly escape D.C. with the loss, avoiding the dreaded two game winning streak in the Basement.  Fantastic last-minute defensive collapse gets Deadskins in field goal range for a chip shot with no time remaining.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK SEVEN
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-5               120       204      -84

Washington    2-5                151      183      -32        

Minnesota       2-5               120      160       -40

Atlanta            2-5               171      199       -28

St. Louis         2-4               129       176      -47   

AFC                              

Oakland          0-6                92        158     - 66

Jacksonville    1-6                105      191      -86

NY Jets           1-5                121      185      -64

Tennessee       2-5                121      172      -51

Texans            3-4                155      150      +5

VIKINGS 16,  BILLS 17
Minnesota- your 'bounce back from a defeat' assistant!  4 of 5 Yiking defeats have been 'bounce-back' victories for their opponents.  The Yikes are a confidence-building team! Despite 4 expert turnovers by the Bills, and both teams starting their 3rd string QBs, Yikings QB Terry Bridgewater delivers 2 interceptions and the Vikes just refuse to put away the Bills. Leading 13-10, the Vikes engineer a backward drive from the Bills 7-yard line, narrowly making a FG from the 33. 16-10.  Finally the Yikes defense opened up the shipping lanes for the Bills' last drive and Bills QB Kyle Orton- yes KYLE ORTON- takes Buffalo in for the score, as time expired, unmolested by any Norse gods or men in purple.  11 sacks, 15 penalties, 6 turnovers, 11 punts.  What a day.

BENGALS 0, COLTS 27
Just when I though nobody cared about punts anymore, the Bungles- fresh off their tie game where they missed the winning FG as time expired in OT- boot a franchise record-tying 11!!  8 first downs and 135 total yards! Yes! After starting 3-0, the Bungles have gone into a steep descent, and are hanging around on our patio, now, huddled by the grill.  I better go shoo them off, they still have a winning record.  Lose two more, okay?

FALCONS 7, COLTS 29
I see the Failcons are adding lack of offense to their already hard-won abominable D.  The Flacs are terrible.  Things HAVE NOT changed.  9 games to go to run the table, but they have to play Tampa Bay one more time, so going 2-14 might be tough.   3-13 looks entirely possible.

SAINTS 23, LIONS 24
Do the Saints have what it takes to be a 10-Club member (10 losses on the year)?  These last-second defeats are starting to look pretty professional.  12 penalties for 134 yards!  2-4 AIN'T chopped liver.

TEXANS (4-2)  at STEELERS (3-3)
Right now, there are only FOUR AFC teams with losing records. That's not right. Something's GOTTA GIVE.  The Shower Curtain got it going last week with their embarrassment in Cleveland.  If they can maintain their lack of stamina and focus,  we'll have FIVE losers.

JETS 25,  PATRIOTS 27  (last Thursday)
Jets almost slip up and win, but keep within game of the Raiders for AFC bragging rights.


aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!