Monday, November 28, 2016

WEAK 12 REPORT AND AUTOPSY

WEAK 12 CHEESE BALL BOMBS
FADING HOPES IN COLD CLIMES and
BEING JUST BADENOV, BORIS

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 12

AFC
Cleveland -    0-12
Jacksonville - 2-10
NY Jets -        3-8
Cincinnati -    3-7-1
San Diego -    5-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-10
Chicago -          2-9
Los Angeles -   4-7
Carolina -         4-7
Green Bay        4-6



BROWNOUTS 13, GIANTS 27
Who can lose a game where the opponent punts 9 times?  The Browns!  Who can lose a game where your opponent gets only 13 first downs?  The Browns!  Who else can lose a game where your opponent gets 100 penalty yards to your measly 35?  Nobody but the Browns!!  Of course fumbling away the ball 3 times, with one of those for a fumble-six, kinda helps.

0-12 AND the worst uniforms in the NFL. C'MON, those are ghastly.  Somebody get that ownership a medal, and make it out of an old Trabant (worst car ever made) grill.  

LAMBS 21, SAINTS 49
Maybe Saints coach Sean Payton is still a little steamed at his old defensive (hits for cash!) coordinator, who now works for the Lambs. It has to hurt your eyes after a while, doing the laser glare at the opposing bench for an entire game.  Actually, Lambie QB Jared Goff must have felt like he was back at Cal:  high scoring game that is exciting for 3 quarters and then you end up getting blown out. Trick plays by the bushel in this one.   

WHINERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Honesty: Chip Kelly and Colin Kaepernick seem to be getting on the same page.  Kaepernick accounted for over 400 yards of offense yesterday.  He was THE man.  They nearly tied the game with 2 seconds to go.  Man, that was a close one.  Luckily for the Whines, he does not play defense, and whoa is that defense just as porous as Chip's most porous Oregon defenses over the years. I swear they couldn't stop a baby stroller pushed by an exhausted diaper-whipped dad. And I should know.  Humongous game next week vs. the Bears.  

JESTS 17, PATRIOTS 22
Another close call for a Doormat yesterday.  Good God, what were the Jests thinking, being ahead deep in the 4th quarter??  Well, relax, fans- the Patriots were safely guided down the field for the go-ahead TD, and Jets QB Ryan "Let Me Blow This" Fitzfumble fumbled away the Jests last fumbling 'chance.'   Jests still in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet, but not really because the Browns will win 1 game at most.  

BEARS 21, TITANS 27
The Barelys do it again- look like they are getting shellacked, and then stage the Futile Comeback and make it look like they tried.  It's a lot of Looking Like, and very little of Actually Being.  Who knew that Soldier Field was a land of fantasy?  Titans have risen to 6-6.  Look out world, a Doormat is crawling up out of the muck.

BUNGLES 14, RAVEN-POES 19
At the beginning of the season, the Bungles were a favorite to challenge for the AFC Championship.  Oh PLEASE. This is the Bungles we're talking about here, and they've already had two winning seasons in a row, and that's way way way more than should be asked for here.  Are they burning Andy Dalton jerseys in their BBQ's in the parking lot?  Are there still scraps of a Carson Palmer jersey in there?  You gonna eat that chicken leg?

GAGUARS 21, BILLS 28
Gags extend their losing streak to 6 games, now, and in this one showed a lot of savvy in losing the lead 5 times.  Not to be denied!  Rack it up!! Wild game up in Buffalo...look out, the Bills are 6-5.  How long has it been since they've been over .500 this late in the season?  Usually by now you know they'll get to 10 losses.  ANOTHER DOORMAT crawls out of the BASEMENT!!!

BUCS 14,  SEAHAGS 5
And yet another perennial loser and close friend is breathing the rarified air in the winning column.  6-5 and snuffing the Hags with ferocious defense (3 turnovers) has GOT to feel good.  

RAIDERS 35, PANTHERS 32
The Raiders' Derek Carr goes out for one series with a jammed pinkie, and the Panthers pounce on it like it was 25 points, which is what happened. But...Carr came back in, and this guy is amazing.  Well, here's our fabulous  Doormat Champ stomping all the way to the #1 seed in the AFC today.  GOOD GRIEF.  








aaaaaand THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!


2 comments:

  1. RRRRaiderz getting some old black magic circa 1976 from from their 50 yr old stadium! oldest in the league by a long shot right? although for the 3rd quarter they looked like the doormat we remember so fondly. How can we love a team just as much when they win as when they lose? look out for the whiners, they could pull off a mini winning streak next 2 weeks. oops. Jed better step and do something.

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  2. Jed is really worried at this point. They might eke one out next week at Soldier field. Kaepernick looked like his old self, which I honestly thought was never going to happen. They could beat the Bears AND the Jets in the next two weeks, and still throttle the Lambs again at the end of the season. They'd end up with 4 victories and a lousy draft pick. What kind of a season is that??

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