NFL Worst Predictions Week 7

New Offensive Front Line for Miami 

​The NFL worst move into Week 7 showing great signs of true badness.

For the Dolphins, nothing else has worked, so the Miami Floppers decided to think out of the box and go with a new front line for pass protection. Chad Henne is going to need it as he has only thrown for 868 yards all season and balanced his passing with 4 interceptions and 4 touchdowns. The tough part is he has been eating tartan turf most of the road games. At least he gets soft, moist grass at home. This new front line, hopefully, will distract pass rushers long enough for Henne to actually throw the ball while not running for his life and screaming for his mother.

This week the pass rushers are the Denver Donkeys, a defense that gives up 300 yards a game average. So, their average. But this should be the Doormat Division matchup of the week. Denver was in the Doormat Bowl last year and may get there again this year. Miami has shown this season that they can lose any game. Should be a good time on the moldy duct tape covered couch.

And speaking of offense and defense ratings, the Patsies have the top rated offense and the lowest rated defense in the NFL through week 6. Who says you can't win without defense? Oh, they didn't always win? My bad.

And now it's time for all of the NFL Week 7 Predictions for the Doormat Division:

Seahags- 12

Brownies- 9

Donkeys- 24

Floppers- 21

Deadskins- 17

Pansies- 14

(Actually, this is a game the Pansies can win. But they won't.)

Cheeps- 10

Raiders- 35

Steelers- 21

Crudinals- 17

Lambs- 0

Cowpies- 16

Dolts- 13

Saints- 36

Gaguars- 7

Ravens- 28

And now for the blowout of the week--

Green Bay- 46

Yikings- 6

And let's give a Doormat shout out to the NY Zeps. Your doormat is at the design shop right now.

Bolts- 28

Zeps- 10

THE DOORMAT SHUFFLE: Fallout from NFL WEEK SIX

Doormat QB Shuffle!!

Sure enough, Week Six has started the general landslide, where the pride of the basement decide that changing quarterbacks will solve their problem…uh-huh.

Always start by cutting off the head, that way when you’re running around the field like a chicken with it’s head cut off, it’s natural. And, it’s easier to change the QB than the entire front line- besides, there isn’t enough room on the bench for those guys.

DEADSKINS!! Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan throws Rex Grossman into the doghouse (though it was nearly intercepted) and elevates eternal journeyman John Beck to the starting position. Never heard of John Beck? That’s perfect. He hadn’t played a down since 2005 for Miami until last Sunday, when Grossman finally just went super Doormat All-Star. Now Rex has little chance of leading the league in INTs, and we’re sorry about that. He was on fire.

Based on 5 games he started in 2005 for the Dullfins, Beck’s INT-TD Ratio is 3-1, so he should pick right up where Rex left off. It’s nice to have choices.

YIKINGS! Minnesota Vikings QB Donovan McNabb is replaced by Tomahawk Choppin’ (FSU) QB Christian Ponder. McNabb was nearly at the bottom of the stats in just about every category, so might as well let a rookie get in there and find out just how fast those linebackers and defensive ends are. Yikings look like they are really jumping into the abyss. How much worse could it get? We’ll find out. If the Minnesota fans start doing the chop, I will disown them. I will burn my purple pants.

DONKEYS!! Speaking of Florida, Tim Tebow gets the start over Kyle Orton for Denver this Sunday in Miami. The Dolphins have sold 10,000 tickets since finding out TT will be starting. Donkeys have home field advantage and will win. Floppers will not be making QB change because they have run out of QBs. There will be no QB. Same with Denver.

LAMBS! Sam Bradford is hurt. Probably in about 14 places. The man who hits the turf more often than anybody in the league, and with more force, takes a breather and Ultra-Journeyman AJ Feeley will…run for his life all day in Dallas. Condolence cards or wreaths should be sent to : 1 Rams Way, St. Louis MO 63044

BUNGLES!!!!! Non-QB Carson Palmer finally gets off his butt (and off our sofa) and gets traded to the Oakland Raiders. I can never figure out if Palmer is really great, or just the guy who commits the worst mistakes at the worst time. The Cincinatti Bengals are just about the most baffling team in the NFL, and Palmer figured that out and wanted off the roller coaster. I can’t think of another team that goes, since 2000, 4-12, 6-10, 2-14, 8-8, 8-8, 11-5, 8-8, 7-9, 4-11, 10-6, 4-12. That’s not football. That’s a yo-yo. The rustiest man in sports goes under center this Sunday in Oakland against the cheaps. Be there.

SEAHAGS!!!

Oh, who cares who is QB for these guys? Have another coffee.

The Doormat Division: NFL WEEK SIX WRAP-UP and DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION 2011: NFL WEEK SIX

Week Six is the big one. Ever since we set up the basement- threw down the ‘green’ shag carpet, hauled in the orange Duct Tape couch, plugged in the Zenith, and flickered on the Rainer neon- we’ve learned that week six is one of the crucial weeks in the NFL. Desperate teams either come out swinging, or lie down like Lambs. Early season surprises meet in high energy pit fights to claim supremacy, or suddenly don’t look so hot. The really good teams start to just crush people, and the season is sealed for a LOT of members of the basement. Notice how 4 Doormats had the week off? Wonder how much cash it took to buy off the NFL schedule pimps and skip #6. It’s your last chance to turn it around for this season.

Who’s Not A Doormat?

49ers 25, Lions 19

Why am I even covering this game? Because these teams have both come stormin’ out of the basement, both of them improbable (49ers the most), and it’s our ex-doormats duking it out for bragging rights to hottest turn-around and Division leads. Good Grief!!

In a jaw dropping perfect imitation of a classic Raiders game, the Niners commit 15 penalties (tying the Raiders for this year’s high) for 120 yards, punt NINE times, get only 14 first downs, get a couple of huge plays at the crucial moment, play smash mouth defense, and unbelievably win the game in the final minutes at the Kat Box. It wasn’t pretty. What else to expect from two just recent ex-doormats? They wanted to kill each other. They still do.

The Lions and Niners linemen are going to need 2 weeks to recover from this game. Niners get it. On at least two occasions, everybody on the line made impact at the same time and stood each other up, like a freeze frame. You almost never see that. WHAM!

With the Detroit fans going bonkers, the 49ers come out stumbling on offense, but are insane on defense. Matthew Stafford looks like his old self, falling backward, getting canned, and throwing sidearm to the general area of Chris Johnson.

The Niners run Frank Gore RIGHT AT Ndamukong Suh, and it works like crazy.

OK, so the Lions aren’t going to go 16-0. They aren’t going 5-11 either. So improbable are the Niners at 5-1, that coach Jim Harbaugh gave Detroit coach Jim Schwartz a forearm shiver and a kick in the nuts at the traditional post game hand shake. OK, it wasn’t that bad, but Schwartz came back at him, players had to separate them, and they sorta made up in the tunnel to the locker room. But not really. If these teams make it to the playoffs, a rematch will be off the hook.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK!

BEARS 39, VIKINGS 10

The Yikings started the season with an All-Star 4 Come From Ahead losses, then really honestly tried and won a game, and then hit the Barcalounger. Whew! At some point you realize you better focus on the little things. Like 15 first downs, 53 yards rushing, 1-3 in the red zone, 0-2 on 4^th down, and start a game with 2 punts and a safety. All of those things are little, small, tiny things. Yikes are 1-5 and host the Packers next week. Yikes!

Packers 24, Rams 3

The Lambs pile up 424 useless yards, QB Sam Bradford attempts to pull into a tie for most interceptions (7) with a nifty goal-line INT, and the Lambs go 0-3 in the red zone.

Lambs defense opens up some extra lanes to improve traffic flow, and Aaron Rodgers drives the bus through for 21 second quarter points. Game over. Bradford gets 3 more sacks to pad his league-leading 22. Lambs definitely the inside fave to win it all in the Doormat NFC. But don’t count out the Pansies just yet.

THAT SINKING FEELING

Falcons 31, Panthers 17

The Carolina Pansies- last year’s Moldy Carpet Trophy winners, are starting to settle in.

Cam Newton is getting the hang of it- try to win the game all by yourself and think you can throw a pass through a hole even a mouse wouldn’t attempt. 3 interceptions for Cam, and a Doormat worthy passer rating on the day of 44.6. Welcome to the club, Cam. I’m not taking down the Pansy wallpaper in the basement now. Pansies 1-5 and host the Deadskins next week.

Steelers 17 Jaguars 13

STIFF OF THE WEEK! Gaguars punt 7 times, amass 76 yards passing, play terrible and still have a shot to beat the slowly disintegrating Pittsburgh Steelers. Ha! Gaguars watch their season sink into the Allegheny river, never to be seen again. Time to go for worst.

Don’t fire Del Rio now, you guys are starting to look good in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Go for it. Gaguars are 1-5, but still not last in the AFC South, because…

Bengals 27, Colts 17

Give up now, Dorothy. Peyton Manning is your brain, and you don’t have it. The Colts stage this season’s first really good Futile Comeback, pulling within 3 points with 9 minutes to go, but remember who they are and go with the perfect fumble on the carpet with 2 minutes to go and the Bungles run it in for the TD and the final nail in the horseshoe.

Colts still without a blemish at 0-6, worst in the NFL. The Bungles are 4-2, people, and get the week off. When do they ever play a team with a winning record again? They may get to be this year’s Mirage team.

Raiders 24, Brownies 17

Sloooooowly, sloooowly the Brownies descend again into the dank dank basement. Raiders lose QB Jason Campbell for the season. Not good. Kyle Boller is not the answer.

Eagles 20 Redskins 13

The Feebles save themselves from Week Six damnation, pulling out a gutsy victory against the ‘resurgent’ Deadskins, and at 2-4 still have a shot at being a football team. Michael Vick still gets in an INT (8), but Deadskin QB Rex Grossman throws FOUR to rocket to 9 on the season and the lead in the interception derby. A spectacular 23.7 rating for the week for Rex, aaand a benching. Wow!

Jets 24 Dolphins 6

Hey..the Floppers are really really putting on a show. True Doormat membership means refusing to be outdone by some other team’s charity. Shining example: The Flops kick a field goal in the first quarter, and recover the muffed kick-off at the Jets 18. Never miss an opportunity to give back – Flops promptly throw INT at the Jets 1, and it goes 99 the other way- touchdown, Jets. You have to love that.

Dolphins end up with more first downs than the Jets, outgain the Jets, and outshoot themselves in the foot more than the Jets- which is really saying something. 2-12 on first down, 3 turnovers, 0-3 in the red zone. Look out DOLTS, the 0-5 Floppers are for real.

The Flaw-fins, the Dull-fins, the Flops host Denver next week, so it’s going to take some Doormat preparation to blow that game. Don’t count the Flops out, ever. They can get the loss anywhere, anytime.

You GOTTA love WEEK SIX!!

NFL WEEK SIX WORST STATS

Points: 3 Lambs

TDs: 0 Lambs, Dolphins

First Downs: 13 Jets

Yards: 209 Gaguars

Rush: 42 Deadskins

Pass: 76 Gaguars

3rd down: 1-10 Deadskins (Lions 2-15)

Turnovers: 4 Deadskins, Saints, Pats

Sacked: 5 Gaguars, Yikings, Lions

Punts: 9 Niners

Penalties 15-120 Niners

AAAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement..urp.

The Loss Leaders- The NFL's WORST STATS WEEK 5!!

The Loss Leaders: The NFL’s Worst Stats! Week 6, 2011

Five weeks is a fair and balanced chunk of time to establish your credentials in the NFL….for the basement! If you can’t fumble the game away by now, you probably aren’t going to do it.

THIRD DOWN CONVERSIONS

If you can’t make a first down, you can at least help the other team get some. It’s only fair.

The new kings of the Basement, the Colts are leading the league in 3^rd down conversions given up 49.3%. WOW. It must feel like 99% in Coltville.

Miami and St. Louis are duking it out for First Worst in converting their own 3^rd downs at

26.5% and 27.9%, respectively. If respect has anything to do with it. Unfortunately, they will not be playing each other, a real Doormat let-down. But the Lambs DO get the Seahags (33%) Nov.20^th. That should be a real…long tailgate. I’ll just have one more brat..and a beer….and watch a cooking show.

MOST INTERCEPTIONS

Everybody loves this one, and it’s a helluva battle.

Kyle Orton and Philip Rivers faced off last week in the Battle for What Are Our Colors Again?, and Rivers took the lead in the first half, only to see Orton respond with a costly INT in the second half. Tied at 7! But, unbeknownst to them, on the other side of the country, Eagles QB Michael Vick throws an incredible FOUR interceptions in week 5, and finishes the day with 7 INTs on the year. WOW! Throw in 2 more by the back-up, and you’ve got a league leading 9 for the Feebles.

Interceptions, player:

Vick, Eagles, 7

Orton, Broncos, 7

Rivers, Chargers, 7

Bradford, Rams, 6 (he’s a game behind, so give him a chance)

Interceptions, Team

Eagles, 9 (Eagles have more INTs than passing TDs)

Broncos, 7

Cardinals, 7

Cowboys, 7

Chargers, 7

I put the Chargers at the bottom, because they have a winning record. Pfftt!

LOWEST QB RATING, TEAM:

If you can get it under 60, your offense is hitting on all the burnt out cylinders.

I mean, your line stinks, your coach stinks, and your quarterback really ought to be backing up somebody else. I hear Mark Rypien’s daughter is tearing up the Lingerie league.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars 58.7

2 Rams 69.7

Lowest? Eagles backup QB, Mike Kafka (47.7). Unless he undergoes some sort of METAMORPHOSIS, Vick’s job is safe.

NFL WORST Doormat QB All Star:

QB Sam Bradford, St. Louis Lambs! 70.8 rating, 19 sacks (1^st) , 5.6 yards per attempt (1^st), and 48.7 (1^st) completion average. How many milliseconds is Sam getting to drop back and throw before the tidal wave hits him on every play? Yow! He’s got Happy Feet! Not happy enough. The Rams running game has left them, so…duck. It’s gonna be a looooooooooooong season in St. Louis.

Most Times SACKED

Getting dropped on your ass tells us a lot about a team, mostly that the offensive line is a bit too fat, a bit too slow, doesn’t really like the QB, nobody’s open, and the QB holds the ball waaaaaaaaay too long.

1. Bradford, Rams 19 (some say 18, some say 19)

2. Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler, Bears, 18

3. Kevin Kolb, Cardinals, 16

4. Rothlisberger, Steelers 15

5. Whoever, Miami 14

A GOOD KICK IN THE TEETH

Runback yardage, most allowed.

The Carolina Panthers (Pansies) come in with a whopping 27 yards of return for every punt they kick. Nobody else even comes close. Think about this. Even if not EVERY punt gets run back 30 yards, MOST of them are. Even if you kick it to the 15, your opponent brings it out to the 42. That’s insane. Cam Newton can throw all the touchdowns he likes. He’s not going to win when the other team gets to start in his front yard.

Most Punts

This is the Boring Game meter. If you can get over the magic 7 punts a game, you are in a class by yourself! This means not only are you bad, you’re a stiff. Nobody’s there yet, but the Seahags have the inside track.

1. Seahawks, 33 6.6 (avg. per game)

2. Bengals, 32 6.4

3. Jets 31 6.2

4. Bears 30

Yep, there’s some of the most boring teams in the league, right there.

[The Bungles have opened the season playing nothing but Doormats (but losing to the resurgent 49ers and Bills), so don’t give up on them yet. They’ve got some ‘L’s left in them.]

Punt Average

And, the ONLY way to lead the league in punting (avg yards, that is) is to have a team that can’t get over the 40 yard line most of the time. It’s fun to be on a loser if you’re the punter. You become the most important guy on the team.

1. Andy Lee, San Francisco 51.6 This won’t last if they keep winning.

2. Brian Colquitt, Denver Broncos 50.7 That’s having a LOT of field to work with

PENALTIES!

If you can’t lose the old-fashioned way, by just getting run over, call for the yellow hanky play. Give the other guys as many chances as possible. They deserve it.

Most FIRST DOWNS given up by Penalty

This stat is the real killer in penalty land. Just when you think they’re punting, you give them another set of downs. The Oakland Raiders come in so far in front on this, it’s not even a contest.

1. Raiders 22

2. Cardinals 13

3. Tampa Bay 12

The Raiders always commit a lot of penalties, but somehow they are winning anyway. It’s going to catch up with them. Unless, of course, they just keep pulvering the other teams to the point where they really don’t wanna be on the field anymore. Funny how that works.

MOST PENALTIES:

1. Oakland Raiders 10 per game!

2. Tampa Bay 8.8

3. Chicago 8.6

4. Seattle 8.2

RUSHING YARDS GIVEN UP

You can get away with giving up a lot of yards in the air, as long as you stop them somewhere (bend but don’t break), but you can’t let them run over you. It’s demoralizing, and it eats up the clock. You end up on the field all night long, and pretty soon you just give up.

Our leaders are a who’s who of the Doormat Division:

1. Rams 179.8 (Lord have mercy on their fans)

2. Colts 145.2

3. Eagles 140.2

4. Bills 138.4

Bills keeping afloat by just scoring so damn fast it doesn’t matter. Them and the Lions. Lions only give up 114 a game, though, so look for them to win more often.

RUSHING YARDS, PERIOD

Tired of watching your guy run into the line…and falling backward? Anything under 100 yards is anemic.

1. Titans 66.6 yards per game.

2. Jets 76.2 holy mother Mary this team is boring.

3. Colts 82

4. Seahawks 83

5. Giants 83.8

6. Browns 85.8

7. Cowboys 86.8

8. Rams 92.8

Somehow the Titans are 3-2, as are the Giants. Their defense is bailing them out, and the passing is just getting them over. Without Peyton Manning, the Colts are TOAST.

The GIVE AND TAKE

Remember, if they give you the ball, be charitable, and give it right back.

The Philadelphia Feebles come in WAY WAY WAY ahead in the Giveaway Takeaway Derby, with a -10 total. Good old Michael Vick, dancing around with a bread loaf, putting on the turf (7 times) or chucking it up there for whoever. What a giver.

1. Feebles -10

2. Cowpies -4

3. Crudinals -4

The Feebles lead the league in interceptions AND fumbles (7). It’s just a one-man wrecking crew over there. He makes the rushing yards look good, but what’s it matter if you don’t have the ball after all that prancing around?

What’s it all mean?

Here’s what it means: The Rams really are a well rounded bad team. Ditto the Colts, though I think they are improving at QB. The Jets really should lose a boatload. Look for them to make it in the 10 club. The Eagles are shooting themselves in the foot better than any team in the league. Keep it up, and they rule the NFC Basement. But, right now, the Lambs are far more consistently, and institutionally, bad.

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!

NFL Week 6 Predictions: Doormat Style

It's been a dismal start for the Indianapolis Colts, now 0-5. Could one player, the injured Peyton Manning, really make that much of a difference?

Apparently it does. The explanation right now is that Kerry Collins has not had enough time to learn the complicated Colt offense.  The offensive line also seems to have forgotten the complicated offense. Collective dementia has been suggested. For the fans, collective depression is definitely settling in. A lot of Prozac scripts are being written in Indy town.

As for Peyton, it's tough on the sidelines, especially when your team was 11-5 with you and now 0-5 without you. We feel your pain, Peyton....not!

We are doing the Ranier-Sasquatch dance on the Velveeta-smeared carpet here in the basement because we are celebrating the arrival of the Dolts to the Doormat Division. They have rocketed to the bottom. Honk me a quart of Bohemian, guys!

And now it is time for the Oracle from the Basement to make this week's NFL predictions. It's a tough week for the Doormat Division as there is only one head-to-head matchup of Doormats. Everyone else has to play a real team. There will be blood on the field.

Dolts- 10
Bungles- 7
(Yes, Dolts will finally win one)

0-4-9ers- 28
Kittens- 35
(OK, it's not a Doormat game anymore, but what a great game this is going to be)

Lambs- 0
Packers- 42

Gaguars- 17
Steelers- 36

Fleagles- 10
Deadskins- 14

Brownies- 21
Raiders- 24

Cowpies- 13
Patsies- 28

Yikings- 10
Care-Bears- 17

Floppers- 3
NY Jets (Zeppelins) 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions and I will see you in the basement!

Dessert!

I almost forgot dessert!! Top it all off with bananas, marshmallows, chocolate sauce, and blue sprinks, lightly browned with an acetylene torch that was rolling around in the truck bed.

Did Someone Say Tailgate?

I think the menu is excellent so far, guys, but I'd like to add a few things, and the women folk got busy and really outdid themselves this time.

1. Meat that is so burnt, you don't know what it is.

Beer that is so bad, you have to drink a lot of it to appreciate it.

3. Nothing says Let's Watch the Game (and get some distance on this) more than spam, velveeta, and maraschino cherries!

4. Is there a team that is the Volcanoes? Note how the person digging in is avoiding the lava flow. They know something we don't.

WHAT A SPREAD! the helpful pointer there is drawing our attention to the weinie-egg-carrot wheel in aspic on a bed of sauerkraut. MMm-MMM!!

5. You can't have a proper tailgate without some wieners and beans. Even if they are disturbingly shiny.

6. The piece de resistance, Lime Jello with Peas and spanish olives. This is a family tailgate tradition provided by the ol' ball and chain. Her family also used to pitch a Tee-Pee in the parking lot, so...uh...

7. I'm not touching this. It looks like it already came and went, if you get my drift....

Well, after all that GOOD FOOD, it's time to settle into a fog of resignation (after a stall-clearing visit to the john) and root for the team with the 3rd string QB with the 22.5 passer rating. Is there a better way to spend a Sunday? I think not!!

Tailgating Doormat Style

The Vegan Hotdog with its signature gray color and modeled texture

NFL football is not the same without a good tailgate party before the game, but what if your team is a doormat? What makes for the perfect doormat division tailgate buffet? Vegan, of course.

The best way to serve a vegan hotdog is boiled for twenty minutes in vegetable broth. This usually gives the hotdog a nice squeaky-on-the-tooth bite as it pops open and spurts hot vegetable broth into your mouth.

Covered with really hot Chinese mustard and arugula and served on a whole-grain, unleavened bun, this hotdog  will have a mashy consistency that will really let you know you are in the NFL cellar.

Serve your vegan hotdog with salt-free, organically-grown vegetable chips, baked not fried, a nice Kosher  pickle, and Ranier beer.

Of course, that is if you feel like a loser. But, hey, none of us really feel like losers, right? I'm serving Italian beef sandwiches, potato chips with avocado dip (lots and lots of garlic please) and an ice-cold quart of Ranier.

What would you serve at the perfect Doormat tailgate party?

The Doormat Divsion WEEK FIVE Wrap-Up and Drop Kick into Space

The Doormat Division:

WEAK FIVE WRAP-UP AND DROP KICK INTO SPACE

Blowout of the Week

49ers 48, Buccaneers 3

Perennial doormat and all-around screwed up franchise, the San Francisco 49ers, have done something right: they hired a real coach. They also brought back the bright red jerseys (that’s brighter than the old days even). The difference is going to win the NFC Worst in a walk. Winning by their largest margin in 24 years, the Niners officially leave the Basement. Last year their game against the Bootineers was a mugging, with LaGarette Blount trampling whatever 49er was slow enough to get in his way.

Not this time. 9 of Tampa’s 11 drives resulted in a punt or turnover. The Bucs put the lack in lackluster. You could actually see Niner players exhorting the Bucs to play harder. I'm not kidding. The Niners converted every turnover. QB Alex Smith had a 127.5 passer rating. That’s a passer rating over 100 two weeks in a row- a first for Smith. The 49ers piled up 213 yards rushing, with Frank Gore averaging 6.3 yards a carry. It makes one realize what really bad coaching does for a team.

The Bucs came into the game looking like contenders at 3-1, and leave town a bunch of quitters and a team that could slide right back to the basement if they keep this up.

ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS, 49ers!!!!!!!!! Get outa our basement.

COLLAPSE OF THE WEEK

Colts 24, Chiefs 28

How bad are the Cheaps? Not bad enough. The Dolts pull off this week’s mega-fade, leading 17-0 and 24-7, and STILL come up with the ‘L’. These guys are 0-5 and looking like Moldy Champs! The Cheaps tie the biggest comeback in franchise history and beat Indianapolis for the first time EVER. And all the teams that have never beaten the Colts since Peyton Manning arrived are lining up! Are the Colts really this bad? They were brilliant behind QB Chris Painter for a half, and then did what the bad teams do, got tired and got run over in the second half. The Cheaps QB Sam Cassel will beat the other doormats that have no pass rush and no pass defense, are poorly conditioned, and suspect coaching. Lesse, that might be good for 8 wins.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE-UP

Seahawks 36, Giants 25

I bet nobody saw this coming. Especially the Seahags. Attempting to blow the game in the final minutes, the Seahags are thwarted by Eli Manning who caroms one off two players and into Seahags defender Brandon Browner who runs it 96 yards for the inexplicable last second TD and victory. It’s not supposed to go like this.

Eagles 24, Bills 31

Ok, the Fleagles are in the Basement. Right now. You can’t be 1-4 and hang around outside by the grill, pretending you’re just dropping by. You don’t throw 4 interceptions and drop another on the turf and not get a personalized barstool next to the Rainer Ale neon sign (watch out for the leak from the ceiling, it tends to drip right onto the neon).

What becomes an underachiever most? Finger pointing. Let’s see just how much longer this team of prima donnas who obviously aren’t listening to… I dunno, Michael Vick doesn’t really seem to need much help with the self-destruct button. He’s all over it.

Saints 30, Panthers 27

The Pansies are this year’s Nils. They almost win. Every game. These guys need a blowout. They need to lose one big. It’s exhausting having to come up with creative ways to lose game after game by a few points. This time they did it in the final minute.

Let’s see if they can lose one in the final second next week.

Vikings 34, Cardinals 10

The Crudinals put on a clinic yesterday. Throwing it into reverse right from the kickoff, the Crud punt, then shank a punt for 15 yards, toss an INT, fumble and post the Yikings to a 28-0 lead, clearly planning for the Yikes Come-From-Ahead gameplan to kick in the second quarter.

Oops. Yikes ‘improve’ to 1-4, while the Crud (1-4) continue to sink attractively into the arroyo seco. They still aren’t the Lambs. Nobody is.

Bengals 30, Jaguars 20

This is the Stiff of the Week, but, amazingly, these teams combined for 50 points. 14 punts, 25 TOTAL first downs. Gaguars still on Fire the Coach watch, and the time is near, unless the ownership has closed the blinds in the luxury suite. Which they have.

How do you score 50 points with no movement on the field? Easy. Give up the BIG play. Throw an interception at your own 1. Punt until you just can’t anymore, and then run 3 plays and kick a field goal. Bungles are 3-2, people. They just aren’t bad enough.

Chargers 29, Broncos 24

Whew it was close. The Donkeys stage the first Futile Comeback of the year. Safely behind 26-10 with 10 minutes to go in the game, the Donks go all champion and score 14 pointless points and pointlessly getting their pointy-headed fans all pointing to the sky until the Chargers just kick one more field goal and hit the showers.

Donkeys a healthy 1-4 and in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet.

A Moment of Violence, Please

Raiders 25, Texans 20

With Al Davis watching from his place of honor in you-know-where (hey, he’s got a whole wing down there for all his guys who will be arriving), the Raiders play like…the Raiders. Violent defense, the kind where the other team looks a little freaked out, or are bleeding profusely, a hail of penalties, big plays, and chip-shot 50 yard field goals. Raiders chalk up a measly 11 first downs and WIN the game. I almost cried.

THIS WEEK’S SUPER DUPER LOWS:

Points: 3 Bootineers

FD: 11 Raiders (and they WON)

Yards: 239 Bungles (and they WON)

Rush: 55 Packers

Pass: 113 Donkeys

Turnovers 5 Fleagles

Penalties 11-89 Raiders

R.I.P. Al Davis 1929-2011

Al Davis, the man you hated to love and loved to hate, is gone. We eased off on the criticism of Al this season, because it was obvious he wasn't long for this world. And, yes, at times we have openly stated that the good people of Raider Nation were just waiting and watching for when Al would pass on and release his increasingly ineffective stranglehold on the team.

But let's not forget what that stranglehold brought. 3 Championships and some of the most fun football to watch ever. And some of the most colorful teams, and some of the dirtiest hardest fighting teams you will ever witness. The Raider glory days are the 60s-70s-80s. My all time favorite NFL season for any team was the 1980 Raiders when Jim Plunkett, the most underdog of underdog quarterbacks at that point in his seemingly failed career, took over at QB in the preseason for the injured Dan Pastorini, and promptly started throwing bomb after bomb down the field, seemingly always for a touchdown, and always leading to victory. They won the 1981 Super Bowl, and just to prove it wasn't some fluke, did it again in '83.

Of course, by that time, 1983, they had moved to LA, and it is needless to say on how many levels that pissed off anyone who lived in the Bay Area (for you outsiders, that's Oakland, San Francisco, Marin, Sonoma, San Jose and anything near SF Bay). At that point, we all hated Al. With a passion. I can't express how deep the resentment went.

Things slowly went downhill after Raiders won that Super Bowl, and even after they returned to Oakland, Al Davis was no longer viewed as the smart maverick who could take any motley crew of cast-offs and mold them into winners. The fans did not fill the stadium, except for a Broncos game, and so the home team was blacked out for the entire season for years. It was like they had never come home. He was viewed as a reclusive, paranoid, litigating, aging crank who was losing his ability to judge talent and who fired his coach every year. That changed when he hired Jon Gruden as coach. Then, as expected, he and Gruden fought. And fought some more. Then Al did the crazy thing. After TRADING Jon Gruden to the Tampa Bay Bucs, a trade absolutely nobody wanted except Al (and Gruden ultimately), the Raiders made it to the 2003 Super Bowl- incredibly against Gruden's Bucs, and got trampled. Humiliated might be the word.

It wasn't pretty. What followed was 8 years of the worst football the Silver and Black have ever witnessed. Nobody was good enough for Al, and almost all of his personnel decisions turned out bad (or seemed to). The poster boy for the deteriorating situation was JaMarcus Russell, the purple drank swilling mega-bust from LSU. The Doormat Division got started because of the Raider's completely disassembled franchise. The Detroit Lions may have been the marquee losers of the era, but actually the Raiders were worse in every aspect of the game.

Amazingly, the Raiders have rebounded out of that absolute pit, and are at least respectable again, and I am glad they did it before Al checked out. Also, a number of his draft picks that people sneered at are suddenly looking pretty good. As ever, they have the fastest team in the league. They have the best running back in the league. Their new coach, Hue Jackson, actually seems like a good coach. Al was at the game last week, a rare sighting lately.

And, of course, now that Al is gone, NOW WHAT? We wanted him to leave, now he's gone. The Raiders have a game today, in Houston. You know what Al would say to them, before hitting the field.

He may have not been his old self anymore, but no one replaces Al Davis. He was one of a kind, and one of the greatest football minds of all time. We're gonna miss him.