DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK NINE PREVIEW

GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals

The University of Phoenix Crudinals and the St. Lost Lambs face off in the biggest Doormat struggle for pre-eminence so far this season. Two 1-6 titans of terrible bring their F game to the emptiest place in America for a gridiron grapple of humongous importance.

I can’t stress this enough. Well, maybe I can, but whoever walks away with this loss, and it’s going to take some real ingenuity here, will control NFC Worst, and if you can lose to everybody in the NFC Worst, you can probably outlast even the Yikings. Who stumbled badly last week, winning against the ingenous Carolina Panthers.

Coming off an inexplicable victory at the hands of the craftily over-confident phone-it-in Saints, the Lambs will try to get back on track against a Crudinal team that is beginning to show signs of being nearly unstoppable in their laser like descent into the deepest recesses of the Basement.

What will it take? Whaddya Got? The Cruds are masters of the missed field goal, Lambs kings of the Sack-n-Fumble, Lambs kings of sacks, Cruds absolute gods at the bonehead penalty at the crucial moment (I’m still trying to decipher which hand signals they use for that).

Cruds are interception machine, Lambs still can’t score (they’ve got to be exhausted from last week), and Cruds are 31^st in keeping the other team on the field longer (first downs). SOMEHOW the Lambs are not last in total offense (31^st) - when you give up 48 TDs, and only score 8, how can you not be LAST??? Because the Gaguars are allowed in this league.

This one is almost impossible to call- I’m giving the Cruds the slightest edge, but the Lambs are riding the wave…..there’s no water in Arizona. But so what? Cards are penalty boobs, they throw INTs, have a lousy kicker and the Lambs have a passable (ha!) pass defense (12^th). Says here the Lambs pick up another ‘W’ seriously threatening their championship aspirations. 16 punts. 5 turnovers.

EDGE: CRUDINALS

SEATTLE SEAHAWK at DALLAS COWBOYS

Dallas can’t keep it up against this formidable opponent, not at home. Home field advantage is such a burden. EDGE: SEAHAGS

DENVER BRONCOS at OAKLAND RAIDERS

Oh my God. It’s Tim Tebowing going up against The Bionic Rust, Carson Palmer (completing the all-rust-buddy passing attack is newly acquired WR TJ Houshmandzadeh!). Tim Tebow brings his act into Hell’s Football Stadium, and the fur is going to fly. I can’t stress enough how much Raider Nation dislikes the Buncos. Dislike goes a long way in this league, usually in penalty yards right down the field, but Raiders the best team in the league at stepping right over a mountain of them. EDGE: BUNCOS

Miami Dolphins at Kansas City Chiefs

All right ALLRIGHT!! I’ll say it. The Kansas City Chiefs are not a Doormat team. I’m so disappointed. Starting off the season like they really meant it, the Cheaps were no match for the Yikings, Dolts, Raydurz and last week’s stunner, the Chargers. Now they’ve won 4 in a row and it’s all gone poof! They probably won’t get back to losing until week 11 against the Pats. They don’t have a chance against the Floppers. The Floppers are a clinic in losing. EDGE: MIAMI

Atlanta Falcons at Indianapolis Colts

Falcons are coming off a bye week (a great way to prep to play like a doormat). They can play a lousy game, and they’ll need the perfect one come Sunday against this powerhouse. It won’t be enough. EDGE: DOLTS

Cleveland Brownies at Houston Texans

Brownies have a truly truly Brownie offense, just like they’ve had for years now. They go nowhere all day long. However, they have the BEST pass defense in the league. It will be a struggle, but the Brownies will still pull down the loss. EDGE: CLEVELAND

The GAGUARS, YIKINGS and Carolina all have the week off. Lord, imagine how bad they’re going to play next week!! Holy Keee-rap the Dolts and Gaguars play each other in week 10. Gaguars will be ready for them in a big way, plus Peyton Manning may be back. Dolts in trouble.

aaaAAAAAAAAAA That's The View from the BASEMENT!

NFL Doormats...as the Turkey Spins

Crudinals hope to use the sneak crawl -between-their-legs-and-score-a-touchdown play against the Lambs

The Gaguars, Yikings, and Pansies don't play this week. So not a lot of doormat action, but there are some great turkeys to see in Week 9 as we have some can't miss Doormat match ups among the worst teams in the NFL.

But before we get to the spinning turkey, here is a quick look at one of the greatest Doormat teams of all time. the 1933 Cincinnati Reds (that's football Reds, but they were so bad it may have been the baseball team having some fun and getting their teeth removed on the cheap in the off-season). In 1933 the Reds scored 38 points in 10 games (tying them for second with Detroit for the all-time low-scoring complete season). However, in 1934 the Reds only scored 10 points in 8 games before the NFL asked them to leave the league because they were so bad (and the owners were so crooked).  To get some perspective, the St. Louis Lambs have managed 87 points in seven games (but 31 on them last week), and the Jacksonville Jaguars have mustered 98 points in 8 games (9 times better than the Reds).  So the Reds really were about as Doormat as you can get.

But now it's time for our current Doormats predictions for Week 9 as the Worst of the NFL continue their quest for the Moldy Carpet. OK, Don, spin the frozen turkey:

Seahags- 8
Cowpies- 16
(This may be the doormat game of the week)

Dolts- 13
Falcons- 28
(Peyton wants back on the field, but not this week)

Floppers-21
Cheeps-18
(Actually, this might be the doormat game of the week and the Floppers finally get a W)

Brownies- 28
Texans- 14

Bungles- 10
Titanics- 31

Buncos- 7
Raydurz- 21

Lambs- 3
Crudinals- 14
(OK, never mind, this is definitely the doormat game of the week.)

Though the turkey spun to the Crudinals, I have to say, I believe the Lambs will ride the wave started last week and soak the Crudinals in Arizona.

The oracle from the basement has spoken. Gentlemen, post your predictions!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 8 Par-tay!!

PARTY IN ST. LOUIS!!!!

St. Louis Rams 31, New Orleans Saints 21

You didn’t see that coming, did you? What was our prediction? 73-0? 222-0? Here’s what we all forgot: the Saints tend to play really poorly the week after they blow somebody out. And I mean. Cardinals win the World Series and the Lambs actually win a game. Averaging a blowout per game (28-9 average), the Lambs get in on the parade in St. Louis, dunk the Saints in the Big Muddy repeatedly, and Stephen Jackson runs right over the victory-addled Saints in a good old-fashioned beat-down upset. The throwback unis didn’t hurt either. Upset of the year so far. The Lambs lead for 39 minutes, which is 6 times as long as they’ve been ahead ALL SEASON. Nearly everybody took off for the Cardinals parade right after the game, but left a few deputized hard-core tailgaters to guard the scoreboard and make sure it was still 31-21 until well after midnight.

Job well done! The Lambs, er, Rams, now have 87 total points, ballooning their points average up to a gaudy 12.4, seriously jeopardizing their chances to break the record set by the amazing Atlanta Falcons of 1974 (7.9). They also leave the ranks of perfect records, leaving just the Dolts (0-8), Floppers (0-7) and some team called the Packers. They aren’t even in last place in the NFC Worst, for crying out loud. What kind of a league is this?

Baltimore Ravens 30, Arizona Cardinals 27

I’ll tell you what kind of league it is. It’s where you blow a 21 point lead, and you’re coach says “our guys believe in what we’re doing. If you look at the first half, it shows that if we do it the right way, we can be a good football team.” Uh-huh. A quarter here, a half there, pretty soon, you’ve compiled a WHOLE good football game. Crudinals come crashing to the front of the NFC Doormat lead. Guess who’s on the schedule for next week? The Lambs!!! It’s for all the marbles next week in the desert!! Be There.

Or be somewhere far away.

Perhaps by 'available', she means ready to take a few snaps.

Pulling a “Tebow”

Detroit Lions 450, Denver Buncos 10

Well, we were right. It’s Two Mile High stadium now, after the Buncos get blown Rocky Mountain High (man, that’s good sh-) by the kinda pissed off Detroit Lions. Tim Tebow gets mocked on the turf for prayers to the almighty for everything from soup to fumbles. Wanna take a knee? The Lions were only too glad to help- 7 sacks, 5 fumbles, a ‘pick-6’ and just a good old fashioned trouncing. Buncos back to losing big, like we know they can. Up next: the Headless Raiders. He’s heading into the belly of the beast! Get thee to a nunnery!!

WORST TEAM OF WEEK 8

Buffalo Bills 23 Washington Redskins 0

Hold on, you mean we have to CHOOSE? I’m going with the Washington Deadskins, who gave coach Mike Shanahan his first-ever shutout losing 23-0 to the Buffalo Bills, checking in with 10 first downs, NINE sacks, and 178 total net yards. In a close second were the Gaguars, who have 174 total yards, eight punts and nearly bored the Houston Texans to death. It kept them in the game. Deadskins back on the right side of losing, at 3-4.

The Rest of the Gods of Gawdawful

Minnesota Vikings 24, Carolina Panthers 21

They tried. They really did. The Yikings, Kings of the Come From Ahead Loss, had it all set up as time wound down yesterday, giving the Pansies multiple opportunities to pull out the win, but were thwarted from even sending it into overtime in order to lose there, as the Pansies have kicker Orlando Mare shank one from 3 feet away as time expired. And they did it at home! Ka-Blooey!! Honestly, this game was pretty darn fun to watch, both rookie quarterbacks look good, but that ending- the Pansies still are pulling out the deflating losses, no matter what. My Yikings fall to 2-6, and lose a chance to take the lead in the NFC. Grr.

Tennesee Titans 27, Indianapolis Colts 10

Dolts just keep on rolling, rolling…they just keep rolling alooooooooooong.

What’s going to keep this team from losing them all? Peyton Manning returning, which seems to be never, or the Gaguars who show up twice real soon, or the Pansies- who should trounce the Dolts, but…see above. Dolts have serious shot to go 0-16.

Philadelphia Eagles 34 Dallas Cowboys 7

Tony Romo shows Michael Vick who’s boss, and the Cowpies play their worst game of the year- and that’s not chopped liver. Time of possession 17:51- anything under 18 minutes is like never having the ball all day. That’s like taking Sunday off. Maybe run some errands, get a little yardwork done.

Cincinnati Bengals 34, Seattle Seahawks 12

You want chopped liver? The Seahags are your team. Is there really such a thing as a Seahawk, or is that really just a grouchy seagull? I remember throwing chum off the back end of the ferry in the Puget Sound, and the seagulls circling and timing the catch amazingly perfect each time. It’s so pleasing to have a Seahawk catch something you’ve thrown………..not that it happened in Seattle yesterday. Actually, the Hags rang up 350 yards of passing, but shot themselves in the foot so many times in every other phase of the game that they had to play the last quarter driving those ‘retiree’ carts. It was the Jim Zorn Syndrome all over again. Seahags ‘improve’ to 2-5 and the 49ers clinch the NFC Worst.

NY Giants 20 Miami Dolphins 17

The Floppers should have won this game. But, if you’re a Flopper Fan, you can’t say that, because you’d be saying it every week, and people tend to start giving you extra space if you keep saying the same thing all the time. Floppers getting really good at blowing the game late. Still perfect after seven games, the Fish will be hard pressed to go 0-16, though, as bad as they may be. The Cheaps, the Deadskins, the Cowpies , the Pheebles, the Raiders and the Jets can all play a mean game of terrible on any given Sunday, so there’s going to be some more nailbiters like this one. Hang in there, Flopper fans, just be glad the Dolts don’t come to town.

San Francisco 49ers 20, Cleveland Browns 10

Brownies bring it under .500, at 3-4, and just can’t leave the Basement. It’s the orange couch, isn’t it? Make yourself comfortable guys. You have a defense, but still, after all these years, no offense.

THE BEST WORST STATS OF NFL WEEK 8!!!!

Points 0 Deadskins

Yards 174 Gaguars

Rush 26 Deadskins

Pass 90 Gaguars

3^rd dwn conv 2-14 Donkey-Buncos

Sacked 9 Deadskins

Turnovers 3 Donkey-Buncos (plus 1 int for TD!)

Punts: 8 Gaguars, Titans

Penalties: 12-92 Crudinals

Poss: 17:51 Cowpies

So Who Really Is the Worst NFL Team?

The Doormat Division has a storied history of bumbling and fumbling to the most extreme levels of boneheaded badness. But which city or franchise is the all-time doormat?

Well, here are few facts to help answer that question.

Since the beginning of the modern era (the first Super Bowl and the advent of Howard Cosell) we have tracked the biggest doormat from each league/conference, and through detailed statistical analysis, and a few spins of the frozen turkey, have determined the NFL/NFC and AFL/AFC Doormat Champions and each year's winner of the Moldy Carpet Trophy in the Doormat Bowl.

You can see the complete list here: Doormat Champion History.

Here are the teams with the most appearances in the Doormat Bowl:

AFC

Kansas City- 6

Houston- 6 (once as Texans)

Buffalo- 5

Cinncinati-5

New England- 4

NFC

New Orleans- 7

Tampa Bay- 6 (once as an AFC, but 6 total)

Arizona (Phoenix, never at St. Louis)- 5

Atlanta- 4

Detroit- 4

NY Giants- 4

And the teams with the most Moldy Carpet Trophies are

​

Houston- 5 (all as the Oilers)

New Orleans- 3

New England- 3

Detroit- 3

Buffalo- 3

Tampa Bay- 3

From these numbers, it's hard to call an all-time doormat champion, but Houston is a strong favorite with 6 AFC Doormat championships and 5 Moldy Carpets. However, New Orleans (7 and 3) and Tampa Bay (6 and 3) are close. Kansas City has 6 appearances in the Doormat Bowl, but couldn't get the loss.

By the way, the only two perfect Doormat Seasons are Tampa Bay (0-14) in 1976 and Detroit (0-16) in 2008.

We will be posting final season standings and other stats later. Maybe then we can do a little more analysis to determine who is really the Worst City in the NFL

NFL Worst Beat the Odds in Week 8

The Doormat Division heads into the halfway point of the season with several teams who have confusticated the Vegas odds makers this season. The biggest surprise is the Indianapolis Colts, you have jumped head first into the basement and earned the name of Dolts. But there are other teams as well, especially the Philadelphia Pheebles and the Buffalo Nils, both with unexpected records.

So the Oracle from the Basement has tossed out the stats and analysis and gone back to spinning the frozen turkey while chugging a room temperature quart of Ranier. Don't forget the Cheeze Whiz and potato chips.

Gentlemen, here are the predictions. Please post yours as well.

Dolts- 10
Titanics- 13

Saints- 64
Lambs-0

Floppers- 16
NY Giants (or pesky Gnats)-  21

Yikings- 6
Pansies-13

Crudinals- 14
Ravens (Cravens?)-17

Gaguars- 17
Texans- 28

Kittens- 36
Buncos- 33

Bungles- 9
Seahags-3

Cowpies- 36
Pheebles- 12

Cheeps- 17
Bolts- 24

The Oracle has spoken!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK EIGHT PREVIEW

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WORST WEEK EIGHT PREVIEW

Before we make our predictions, maybe we should consider some facts!

Remember , the team with the EDGE has the best chance to LOSE.

Cleveland Browns at San Francisco 49ers

Ah, the Brownies continue their tour of the NFC Worst with a stop in my town.

Bringing their 6 point explosion in Cleveland with them, the Brownies face the second best defense in the league, which gives up only 16.2 points a game. Cleveland is averaging 16.166666667 points a game…so…how will we be able to tell if the Niner’s defense is working?? Niners only team in the league, except for maybe Cincinnati, that can punt 9 times and win the game. They just pin you to the 7 yard line, and wait for their punt returner to run one back to the other team’s 35,and then Frank Gore runs it in.

EDGE: BROWNIES

Indianopolis Colts at Tennessee Titans

Titans are this year’s mystery team. Dolts are not.

EDGE: DOLTS

New Orleans Saints at St. Louis Lambs

Is Sam Bradford back from his injury? Does it matter? Lambs averaging 9.3 points a game, and allowing 28.5 They are AVERAGING a blowout a week. They lead the league in sacks allowed. They are on a roll. Saints put up a tidy 62 points last week. Wonder how tidy they can be this Sunday? If this isn’t blowout of the week, I’ll eat my beignets. I’m gonna eat them anyway, but hey.

EDGE: LAMBS

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans

Gaguars kicked 4 field goals and beat the Ravens on Monday. They’re all field-goaled out. They may not bother to score. Houston will make the effort.

EDGE: GAGUARS

Miami Dolphins at New York Giants

Is it time for a cold and miserable game at the Meadowlands yet? Giants are not consistent, and they can play down to the competition, which they tend to do in every game, so give the desperate and fumbling Floppers a chance to BLOW IT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER AGAIN.

EDGE: FLOPPERS

Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers

O, Boy, this looks like yet another excellent opportunity for a Come From Ahead Loss for the Yikings. Cam Newton and Christian Ponder square off in the “slingin’ Rookies” face-off, and whoever throws 3 interceptions carries his team to defeat.

EDGE: YIKINGS

Arizona Crudinals at Baltimore Ravens

Wow, the Ravens sure looked bad on Monday night. Crudinals defense is not as good as Jacksonville’s and they can score a few more points. Suddenly, the Cruds have hope. But, I can’t believe. Ravens rebound.

EDGE: Crudinals

Detroit Lions at Denver Broncos

Lions still reeling after getting beat, Doormat-style, by the Niners, and now have a two game losing streak going. Donkeys have Big Lunk at QB and a dubious defense. Lions should blow them so far off the turf, that’s it’s going to be Two Mile High Stadium.

EDGE: DONKEYS

Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks

After that 3-point gem last week, I don’t know why the Seahags should even play any more games. That was perfect. But, I’m sure Pete Carroll has another crafty game plan up his….actually, Hags play much better at home, so this should be another ‘nailbiter.’

EDGE: BUNGLES

Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles

Mr. Implosion, Michael Vick, the one man wrecking crew, returns to the gridiron after a week off and will see if he can out do his formidable counterpart, Tony Romo, in the disastrous play at the crucial moment department. Fumbles, interceptions, sacks, it’s all there and available for both of these guys. It’s just a matter of timing.

EDGE: COWPIES

Embarrassing Plays for Bills

Love those Buffalo Nils.
from BuzzTap: http://buzztap.com/-V8YfQD.

Clarification of the Facts

One of our readers has posed the question: do you guys report the actual game or are you making stuff up?

Answer: While we do make some embellishments around the game (for example, saying the defensive coordinator throws his clipboard down in disgust), we never add any fiction to the events on the field. Every play that we report on happened.

There is no need to ever invent bumbling football. On any given weekend in the NFL, there is enough mayhem and bonehead decision making to make it unnecessary to ever make anything up.

This season , so far, has been no different, and possibly record setting in the Doormat Division. We still have 3 winless teams.

We hope this answers your questions.

thank you , readers,

The Doormat Denizens.

Gaguars Blow Opportunity, Win Game

Jaguars 12, Ravens 7

It may not have been a Slufgest, but it was pretty darn close. The Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes and the Jacksonville Gaguars staged a re-enactment of the Pit and the Pendulum last night- at least it must have felt like that to their fans. Just kill me now!

16 punts. 146 total yards of offense from the Ravens. The Ravens didn't get a first down until the 3rd quarter. The Gaguars were not prepared for this level of competition from the Ravens, and, despite not even scoring a touchdown, prevail in this MNS (Monday Night Stiff) that outdid the other 6 Doormat-worthy games they've had on Monday night this year. 16 penalties. SIX fumbles (2 lost). Seven sacks. 23 total first downs. Lord God Almighty, it's a crowded Basement.

I guess we could call it stalwart defense, but....the Doormat Division knows better.

Good grief Jack Del Rio saved his job. By coaching to lose but winning anyway. What a league.

Well, a fitting end to an amazing weekend of football. As DT Rocks said last night, "I'll stop complaining about soccer being boring if this continues." Now them's strong words.

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK SEVEN SLUFGEST

The Doormat Division: Where You CAN Win for Losing

Browns 6, Seahawks 3

You can’t just show up in Cleveland at the Brownie Bake-Sale and expect to pick up an easy loss. Forget it. Don’t be fooled by that friendly pregame handshake between the coaches. They’re more malevolent than any Jim Harbaugh explicative and forearm shiver.

Faced with the real possibility of making it to .500, the Brownies do their utmost to position the Seahags for an easy early score and victory, pulling two 3 and outs to start the game, but the Hags counter with three of their own. Undaunted, the Brownies set up a perfect blocked field goal play, giving the Seahags the ball at their own 48 (they tried to let it roll farther, but finally had to down it). Unimpressed , Seattle counters with the most sure play in sports, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, with backup extraordinaire Charlie Whitehurst pulling off the play as best as can be expected from someone who has been on the sideline all year- perfectly. Brownies take over at midfield, take it to 4^th and 3, line up to punt, but Seattle is ready for this, and lines up offside for the classic bonehead dumb-f@*k play by a defense- the neutral zone infraction. You don’t have to burn a single calorie for that. FIRST DOWN- take that, Cleveland. Three more plays of ineptitude, and the Brownies can’t really punt from there, it’s just too obvious, so they have to try a field goal, and the damn thing goes through the uprights. 3-0 Brownies.

[You know, the Brownies have it tough this year- so far they have had to face off with the Dolts (Colts), Floppers (Dolphins), Seahawks, and will still have to play St. Louis, the Crudinals, and the Gaguars. That’s a murderer’s row in the Doormat. That’s a WHO’S WHO in the NFL WORST.]

But back to the game, if we can call it that. 47 punts and an interception later, the Brownies punt again (my foot is sore just writing this) and do the special teams Scramble, opening up a lane a Biggest Loser could fit through, and the Seahags score a touchdown!

Except no! A game-saving penalty illegal block nowhere near the ballcarrier nullifies the phantom only touchdown of the game, and it’s back to the maneuvering. Brownies coach Pete Shurmer flips off Pete Carroll. Seattle continues the brilliant play calling by calling the deep interception. Brownies coaches failed to yell loud enough for the safety to drop the damn ball. Defensive coordinator throws down his clipboard and glowers. Brownies counter with another 3 and out.

Brownies finally put together something so inept that even Whitehurst can’t screw it up, and the Seahags get a long pass for 40 yards. Brownies call a timeout, to arrange the scoring drive from there. A hilariously obvious face mask for 15 yards moves Seattle into field goal range, and the Hags put on the brakes really hard right there. Once again, the ball wobbles through the uprights and the Stiff of the Week (and maybe the century) is TIED. 3-3 mid 3^rd quarter. The lines at the concession stand are epic, and the parking lot barbecues start to smoke.

It’s really a shame this game didn’t go to overtime. What else is there to do in Cleveland than to watch a game of this caliber?? If you want to get an idea of what eternity is like, attend this game. The very next drive the Seahags maneuver the Brownies down the field expertly, falling down, falling over and getting out of harm’s way. Brownies try to stop the carnage, but can’t. Yet another 53 yard field goal floats through the goalposts, and Cleveland regains the lead, 6-3. There was plenty of time of time left, and the Brownies called another blocked field goal play, but it came to nothing as the Hags end the game with a PERFECT bonehead personal foul to give Cleveland the first down and run out the clock. The Brownies tried, but the Seahags had the better game plan, and the most grind-it-out loss of the season goes to the pros from Mold City, the Seattle Seahags. Seahags have possession of ball for only 17 minutes the entire game. This is a Doormat record. Hats off to Pete Carroll and his coaching staff for a brilliant Doormat performance. Whew!

BA-LOOOOOOOWWWWWW-OUT of the WEEK

Colts 7, Saints 62

I don’t know how anybody is going to stop the Dolts. These guys just are hitting on all cylinders. Every single phase of the game is fine-tuned now, right down to the glum wide receivers on the sideline looking up into the domed sky, and the back-up QB who looks personally ashamed for the whole franchise. Unfortunately for the Dolts, the cloning lab Peyton Mannings won’t be ready for another 19 years, so guess what? Settle back and enjoy some consecutive Doormat Molday Carpet Trophies. God, I wish the Lambs were on the schedule. I’d PAY to watch that. Saints win by largest margin in franchise history, which is saying something considering Drew Brees is just about the slingin-est QB on the planet. This record should last until….next week when they play the Lambs.

Rams 7, Cowboys 34

Sam Bradford takes a seat on the bench, and Tony Romo has no answer for the losing machine that is the St. Louis Lambs. The institutional level of losing is so professional, that it’s going to take the Crudinals to get a win out of the Lambs, and I doubt even that.

The Lambs pick up the news that rookie Cowpie RB Demarco Murray does not have a rushing TD yet, and decide to do something memorable: a 1^st quarter 98 yard saunter straight down the field for the longest first career TD since the AFL-NFL merger in 1492. Game over.

SPECIAL HONORS!

Raydurz 0, Cheaps 28

Rustiest QBs award goes to the Oakland Raiders who unveil a barrage of interceptions between Kyle Boller and Mr. Creaky, Carson Palmer, in the kind of embarrassment that had Al Davis spinning in his crypt all afternoon. I hope the lid is real tight on that thing.

3 interceptions apiece for the tag-team Clowns in Silver in Black. SIX interceptions, with two run back for touchdowns. Cheaps have no chance against this onslaught, absolutely no answer, and pull to 3-3. A sell-out crowd of Silver and Blacked Out are wearing two eye patches by halftime. Raydurz in serious trouble and may be returning to the basement immediately. It’s not like we run a tight ship down here, but I really hated cleaning up after those guys.

THE REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL

Honestly, I could be writing all day, yesterday was so incredible.

Dolphins 15, Broncos 18

If it hadn’t been for the Seahags-Brownies, this is the game of the week in the Doormat.

And it didn’t disappoint. The Dolphins, with their perfect record in serious jeopardy, pull off the best Come From Ahead loss of the season, giving up 15 points in about 30 seconds in the 4^th quarter, taking it to overtime and, after the Donkeys do just about nothing in OT, finally call the old standby, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, and the Donks have no choice but to attempt a field goal, which clears the uprights in Miami and sends all those Tim (two left feet) Tebow fans home happy, and the Floppers home still neck and neck (get it?) with the Dolts. 11 total sacks in the game! Up next for the Flops- the Giants, which is no gimme. Donkeys ‘improve’ to 2-4 and play the alarmingly deflated Detroit Kittens next week.

Steelers 32, Cardinals 20

The Crudinals may not be tearing the league up with ineptitude, but they are still pulling down the ‘L’s and you can’t argue with their prime weapon: the perfectly timed penalty. Steelers get 4 free first downs at just the right moment, and the rest is gravy.

Vikings 27, Packers 33

Yet another Come-From-Ahead loss for the Yikings- that’s five out of six losses. It’ll set a record, if they keep it up.

Panthers 33, Redskins 20

Pansies try really hard to keep to field goals, leading only 9-6 at halftime, but it all falls apart in the second half, as the Deadskins start a concerted gameplan of turnovers and orange cone defense (complete with flagmen), and the Pansies have no chance but to run through green lights for the entire second half. Congratulations, Pansie fans. Your team won a second game before the mid-way point of the season.

Tune in tonight for Monday Night Embarrassment, as the Jacksonville Gaguars go on primetime for the Jack Del Rio Swansong against the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes.

THE WORST STATS FOR NFL WEEK SEVEN !!!

Points: 0 Raydurz

First Downs: 9 Seahags

Total yards: 137 Seahags

Passing: 72 Seahags

Rushing: 32 Buccaneers

3^rd down con: 1-12 Kittens (looking like their old selves)

Turnovers: 6 Raydurz

Sacked: 7 Donkeys

Punts: 9 Donkeys (17 for the game total)

Penalties: 14-120 Raydurz (they just don’t stop)

Time of Poss: 17:04 Seahags (Doormat record)