THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 8 WRAP-UP

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 8 

A weekend of pure Doormat ball was played this weekend.  The Cheaps and the Gaguars are still neck and neck in the AFC east while the Carolina Pansies continue to do just enough to lose dang near every game.   Though the Cheaps and Gags do not play each other (what a shame), the Cheaps and Pansies will play the “How Low Can You Go” game on Dec 2^nd  in Kansas City at Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, the place lousy teams go to get a victory.

STANDINGS

AFC

Kansas City       1-6     -89

Jacksonville       1-6     -85

Cleveland           2-5    -32

Tennessee          2-5    -95

NY Jets              3-5    -32

NFC

Carolina             1-6     -39

New Orleans      2-5     -26

St. Louis            3-5     -49

Washington       3-5     -14

Detroit               3-4     -13

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 7,  CHARGERS 6

Finally, we have a bona-fide Stiff of the Week.   1 Touchdown!  Single digits!  15 punts and the winning team punts NINE times!  Absolutely lousy weather.  Neither team clears 270 yards of offense. A butt-numbing slog on the shores of Lake Erie.  Woo-Hoo!!  The Browns threw everything they had at the Chargers, not intercepting Chargers QB Philip Rivers even once, keeping the sacks and pressure to a minimum (1 sack), and punting so often (9) Browns mascot Chomps started retrieving them.  But the Brownies were up against a team that had blown their previous game so spectacularly that the Charger game plan was to NOT MAKE A MISTAKE.  So, the only way to do that with Norv Turner in charge and Mr. Flame-Out at QB was to do absolutely nothing.  Hooray for our Doormat brothers in Cleveland, cashing in a win on what might possibly be the team to lose out the rest of the schedule (them Chargers).   The Blots- I mean Bolts, sorry- aren’t in our top 5 yet, but give it another week or two.   Brownies fall out of first in the AFC. 

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

PATRIOTS 45, RAMS 7

The Lambs were this year’s sacrificial Doormat at Wembley Stadium, and the Patriots got to blow out another team in London in the annual “Here’s One of Our Worst NFL Teams, London!” game. The Rams and QB Sam Bradford made like they wanted a game, jumping out to a 7-0 lead.  The Rams then methodically racked up 12 penalties and 2 interceptions and the Pats scored on 5 straight possessions.  Our foreign correspondent, Kim Ham, was at the game.  We’ll see if we can get a review.  Lambs back in the hunt at 3-5.  NEVER count this team out.  FYI: the Jaguars will be the host Doormat for the next 3 years in London.  It’s a proud moment here in the Basement.

GAME OF THE WEEK

HOSPITALITY IS THE KANSAS CITY WAY

RAIDERS 26, CHIEFS 16

How do you know your team is just really really rahllly bad?  When you bench Matt Cassell for Brady Quinn. And people cheer.  And then, Quinn goes out immediately with a bonk on the head and the fans get Sam back right away.  Horrors, Quinn is out!  Add in a long-time guard who suddenly has to start playing center and the comedy ensues.  3 fumbles, hikes that dropped faster than a Sergio Romo slider, and an interception. 

The Cheaps have STILL not led a single game for even 1 second.  Can they do it for whole season?!  The Raydurz have won 5 straight in KC, which has just got to feel great for Cheaps fans, right down to their sore, bored, butts in those bright red seats.  The Chiefs lead the league in points given up off turnovers:  86!

 The big headline for the Raiders this morning was “Defense finally starting to click.”  REALLY??  HOW CURIOUS.  And it just happened to occur in Kansas City.  I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

BEARS 23, PANTHERS 22           

The Panthers do it again- outgain their opponent by almost double (416-210), have the lead late….and lose it right at the buzzer.  Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is the MO in Pansy-land.  4 times already this year!! The Chicago Bears:  the team with the best record (6-1) with the worst red zone percentage (47%).  That’s what the Pansies are here for- to pad the records of teams that need the padding.  Hey, it’s not the Bears fault they’ve had to play St. Louis, Jacksonville and Carolina.   “The Monsters of the Mediocre.”

PACKERS 24,  JAGUARS 15

Once again, nothing fancy- just plain, solid, organized losing.   The Jags outgained the Packers, but their red zone conversions (1-3) were right on track (38% on the year).  Jaguars 1-6 and host the Lions at EverBanking on the Loss stadium next week.

LIONS 28, SEAHAWKS 24

The Seahags and Kittens play a wild one at the Kat Box, with Matt Stafford throwing the winning TD with :20 seconds to go.  Then the Tigers capped off the sports day in Detroit with a rousing…never mind.  Lions should pull even next week at 4-4 if they can withstand the mind-numbing hypnosis of thousands of empty teal seats in Jacksonville. 

BRONCOS 34,  AINTS 14

This just in:  the Aints are pretty bad.  The defense has been just a bounty-free porous hulk of an old steamboat all year, and yesterday the offense decided to join the party.  Peyton Manning has gotten comfortable with his teammates, and the Bronco defense is starting to round into shape.  The AINTS at 2-5 are solidly in the running for the NFC Moldy Carpet.  Solid.

DOLPHINS 30,  JETS 9

The Jets are a real chameleon- one week they’re mediocre, and the next, they’re terrible.

Dolphins answer the question- is it the Jets or Bills of Fins that are the Doormat of the AFC East.  Answer- it’s not the Fins.   Jets pull off getting their punt blocked for TD followed 4 plays later by a Mark Sanchez fumble at the Jets 37 resulting in a Fins TD and Miami was staked to a 20-0 lead.  They just sat on the Jets for the rest of the game.

COLTS 19, TITANS 13

I guess intentionally tanking their whole season last year was a good idea.  Andrew Luck rounds into shape, and the Dolts are 4-3 and look to be exiting the Doormat…but it took overtime against the flailing Titanics to make it happen.  Matt Hasselbeck, who has just been messing up the Titanics Doormat chances, finally loses one.

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 8

Points:   6     Chargers

Yards:  250  Browns

Rush:   19     Cowboys

Pass:  117     Browns

Turnovers:  6   Cowboys

INT:  4             Cowboys

Sacked:  the Cardinals haven’t played yet, so what’s the point?

Penalties:  12-102  Rams (a total of 20 in game with Patriots)

Time of poss:  22:15  Vikings