NFL WEEK 5: When The Bad Get Going

We’re entering rarefied air this week.   The 0-5 Jacksonville Jaguars are 28 point underdogs to the Denver Broncos, and almost nobody is taking that bet.  The last time an NFL team had odds like that was the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers.  24 point underdogs.  That 0-14 expansion team set the standard for what makes a Doormat.  And they did it in their first season with expansion draft veterans,  almost all of whom wouldn’t pass the entry physical today.  That pirate ain’t winking for nothing.

The Gaguars, though,  are doing it with a mix of players and inept management, from top to bottom.  This is a seasoned crew that is placing them on a pace to lose them all and take the Moldy Carpet.  The countdown starts NOW.  Says here they go 0-16.  Really going out on a limb, but it’s still really hard to pull off.   Just ask the 2008  Detroit Lions.

The Steelers, by the way,  won 42-0.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 5 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .                                             

                           W-L         PF-PA

NY Giants           0-5          82-182

Tampa Bay          0-4         44-70

Atlanta                 1-4         22-134

Minnesota            1-3         115-123

Washington         1-3          91-112

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville          0-5          51-163

Pittsburgh             0-4          69-110

Buffalo                  2-3          112-130

San Diego              2-3         125-129

Houston                 2-3         93-139

When’s the last time you didn’t see the Raiders, Rams, or Browns in the Doormat standings?  1989?  How can Atlanta be 1-4 (other than the fact the we said they would be)?  Two recent Super Bowl champs, the Giants and Steelers, are absolutely bumbling their way through the schedule. 

Also, other than the Jags, Bucs and soon Buffalo, teams are scoring plenty of points- they just can’t win.  Last night’s game between the Falcons and Jets was really fun to watch, even if there were some glaringly poor decisions on defense for both teams. To be honest, all this new kind of ineptitude is making for a lot of fun games.  The Doormat has never been so entertaining.  

Disastrous Moves?   The Buccaneers released QB Josh Freeman, who is now in Minnesota.  Josh was bringing home the bacon to win the Moldy Carpet, but maybe they want to bring home the trash.  They couldn’t trade him for a bowl of Cheetos and some pre-chewed gum from under the table here in the Basement.  I think it’s gum.  Might be caulk.   The Bucs will go with an untested rookie.   They just might be able to keep up…down…with the Gags. 

Buffalo’s QB EJ Manuel goes down and things look really bleak for the Nils.  I think these guys are going to go on a losing tear through the schedule.  They did nothing after Manuel went out.  NOTHING.  They might not win another game.   

ATLANTA (1-4)

The Falcons  can’t keep losing every game- they have Carolina and Tampa in their division and Matty Ice,  or Patty Cake, or whatever they call him, will be able to come from behind against somebody.  He’s going to have to, with that Marx Brothers defense they’re throwing out there.  And that’s an insult to the Marx Brothers, who would at least confuse the opposing quarterback as to what they were going to do.  Hooray for Capt. Spaulding!   Falcons could still lose 10 for the season.  

STEELERS  (0-4)

The Steelers…Cleveland fans cannot wait to play these guys.   At the game last Thursday in Cleveland, it was hard to tell what Cleveland fans were enjoying more- the Browns victories or the Reelers’ losses.   The two of them make for an intoxicating brew that Browns fans hope gets stronger every week until Week 12, November 28^th, when the Shower Curtain comes into town.   Everybody wants to pummel the Steelers, so 10 losses is a snap.  Why not 12?

GIANTS  (0-5)

The Giants!  The entire NFC East has a losing record, so the Giants will win a game by accident somewhere. If they find a running back in the dumpster at Safeway,  or perhaps a lineman who has studied blocking schemes, they might win 5 games.   Eli Manning threw 52 passes on Sunday.  He’s going to need Grant Balfour to start coming in to finish games.  What’s the pitch count limit on Eli?

UP AND DOWN 

Okay,  pick one team to pull itself together and start winning.  The Oakland Raiders look they may just start winning games (this weekend in KC will tell us).  Not that I expect them to win this one, but if they play them tough, look for them to just pummel a couple Doormats and maybe make it to 8-8.

 Pick one or two teams that have started well (at least a winning record) to just fall on their faces and start losing big.   It always happens after Week 5.   Give me your votes.  I kind of like Houston, but they are already 2-3.  Miami is another. 

Okay, the coffee is boiling on the grill on the patio, and the Basement is crowded with so many wannabe Doormats.  I gotta make a move.  Let’s hope week 6 starts to sort out the Pretenders from the Contenders.

aaaAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!!