DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 7 WRAP-UP AND DROP KICK INTO FOOTBALL SPACE

Doormat Division Week 7 Standings

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Tampa Bay           0-6          87-132

NY Giants            1-6          103-209
Minnesota            1-5          125-158

Washington          2-4          152-184

Atlanta                2-4          153-157

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville         0-7           76-222

Houston               2-5         122-194

Raiders                2-4         105-132

Pittsburgh           2-4          107-132

Cleveland            3-4         131-156

GAME OF THE WEEK

VIKINGS 7, GIANTS 23

That's a 'gotcha' smirk in purple if I ever saw one

EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY-  MNF hosted the biggest Doormat game of the year last night, turning off televisions all over the globe and saving untold millions in energy bills.  5% of these savings will go into the Leslie Frazier employment fund.

But let’s hope the Vikings coach (Mr. Frazier) gets to finish out the year, because last night was the unveiling of a new genius in the Doormat Division. 

Coming into the week at 1-4 and facing the perfect NY Gnats (0-6), Frazier pulls out all the stops to lose the game.  Unsatisfied with Matt Cassell’s smooth mediocrity,  and keeping Christian Ponder in the dog house (he’s healthy), Frazier does the only thing a team that wants the Moldy Carpet in 2013 should do.  He grabs the flashiest Doormat QB available, Josh Freeman, off the waiver wire like he’s the second coming of Carson Palmer, gives him $2 million dollars to wear some purple, and, with zero prep and about a fingernail’s worth of plays, sends Josh out onto the field in the New Jersey night to captain an already faltering team to Doormat glory.

And the results speak for themselves.  Zero offensive touchdowns,  overthrown balls all night, and 5 first downs early in the 4^th quarter (before ‘desperate garbage’ time) against one of the worst teams in the league.  No more of this weak Matt Cassell missed passes.  With Josh Freeman and complete lack of chemistry with your receivers, you can MISS BIG.  The Gnats punted nine times, really trying to set up the Vikes for something, ANYTHING, but fat chance. 

The Vikings showed the same look on defense on every single play in the game.  That makes it a tough read for Eli Manning, because it CAN’T REALLY BE THE SAME LOOK EVERY TIME, right?  Well, it was.

Faced with this kind of incredibly organized determination, the Gnats cannot make it to 0-7, and are forced to admit, that, at least for one night, the Minnesota Yikings are the worst team in the NFC. 

Yikings Creed:  Carefully Calculated Confusion

LOSING IN THREES

Before last night, Tampa, NY and Jacksonville were winless.  The last time 3 teams made it to week 8 with zero wins was just two years back, in 2011-  the Colts, Dolphins and Rams.  In 1985 (Bucs, Falcs, Bills) and 1997 (Bears, Colts, Falcs) 3 teams made it to week 7.  So, they did not break the record.  Someday 3 teams will make it to Week 9.  Perhaps in our lifetimes, should we be so lucky.

Special thanks to Andrew McKillop of footballgeography.com for sleuthing out those results.  His site is full of amusing and interesting stats. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

There were SIX defensive touchdowns this weekend.  SIX.  3 of them were the opening scores in their respective games. 

JAGUARS 6,  CHARGERS 24

Another footballgeography stat:  the Gaguars have never been the last team standing with no wins during a regular season.  They’ve got to hang on and hope somebody, somewhere can lose to the Bucs.  The Gags are certainly doing their part, skipping the touchdown thing yesterday, chipping in a couple field goals, and conserving energy for the long plane ride to London in next week’s  British Banger Doormat Beat Down game against the 49ers. 

The Jags pull their point average down to 10.8 after last week’s 19-point explosion, keeping hope alive that they can be worse than the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccanneers (8.9 per game).   Live the dream.  Follow your bliss.  But be sure it’s not a concussion first.

BUCCANEERS 23,  FALCONS 31

The Bucs opened this game with a fumble-TD gift to the Falcons, setting the tone.  The Falcons keep it close, but the usual juicy 4^th quarter opportunities are eschewed by the Bootineers, who resort to the kicking game to keep points down and victory at a distance. Tampa keeps their record spotless (0-6), and have a big game against the Tennessee Yo-Yos this Thursday. 

STEELERS 19, RAVENS 16

The Shower Curtain kicks 4 field goals and score one TD.  It’s too much, and the Reelers win another one.  How did they do it?  How about this:  early in the 4^th quarter, the Ravens kick a field goal to pull within 13-9.  Unsatisfied with the Steeler’s lack of an offense, and the eminent return of the ball in few plays via a punt, the Ravens pull an onside kick, giving the Steelers the ball at the Ravens 43.  Sure enough, the Reelers stumble to a first down and scrape the spheroid over the goalposts and lead by a touchdown, 16-9. This way the Ravens can only tie it, and then set the Steelers up for a game-ending field goal to send Pittsburgh reeling to a two game deficit in the Moldy Carpet standings.   Whew!

TEXANS 16,  CHIEFS 17

This game was close, but it wasn’t exciting, except for Alex Smith’s phantom hand-off that turned into a quarterback draw that turned into a TD, as the Texan defense stood mesmerized by a guy standing there, facing the wrong way, with the ball just dangling in space.  Texans barely lose, despite only 14 first downs. 

BROWNS 13,  PACKERS 31

One of our few ‘invert score’ games this year,  the Brownies are back in gear, losing 2 straight, a cosy 3-4, and the bum’s rush defense of KC waiting for them at Arrowhead this Sunday. 

RAMS 15,  PANTHERS 30

Hey.  Let’s not be hasty and go forgetting about the Rams.  Now 3-4, and rolling out 5 points in the first half, the Lambs are showing some of their old flair.  3 turnovers,  15 first downs, and some revolving QBs.  They’ve dispensed with having a running game, and pulled off a pick-six on the first play of the game.  Yow!  Feels like old times!

DOLPHINS 21, BILLS 23

Another game opens with a return for a TD, with the Dolphins making the first move.  Despite scoring only 1 offensive TD, punting 7 times, and doing just about everything to get beat, the Bills win.  The Flops did it when it counted- with QB Ryan Tannehill capping off his 3-turnover day with a marvel of a fumble at his own 34 with only 2:48 left in the game, and the Bills trailing by a point.   The Bills scrape down to the Miami 13 and even they can’t miss that.  Bills WIN!

aaaAAAAAnd That’s The VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!