TURNOVER GODS
JETS 23, BUFFALO 43
The Nyets, no strangers to making history, did their part to tie the record for most turnovers in a game (12, both teams), racking up 6 (4 INTs and 2 fumbles) and ripping this loss away from the Bills in a blaze of tag-team QB blundering not seen since the Raiders threw Carson Palmer out there with no practice right after trading for him 2 years ago. The Bills, however, had not read our article on turnover records, and failed to record a single turnover. As bad as Geno Smith may be, and I think he may be more really bad than just bad, Michael Vick stepped in where Geno left off and showed that youngster how a rusty back-up can cough it up with style. Smith went for 3 interceptions, but Vick mixed it up with 1 INT and four fumbles, losing two (he needs to fumble farther away from teammates).
DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK EIGHT
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
Tampa Bay 1-6 133 223 -90
Washington 2-5 151 183 -32
Atlanta 2-6 192 221 -29
St. Louis 2-5 136 210 -74
Minnesota 3-5 139 173 -34
Chicago 3-5 180 222 -42
AFC
Oakland 0-7 105 181 - 76
Jacksonville 1-7 118 218 -100
NY Jets 1-6 144 228 -84
Tennessee 2-6 137 202 -65
Texans 4-4 185 166 +19
DOORMAT PUNT-ATHON OF THE WEEK
BUCS 13, VIKINGS 19 (OT)
I guess we just had to be patient. Teams are really starting to get their leg into it now. Combining for 15 punts, the Bootineers and Yikings stage an ultra-stiff, concession stands-bathroom break-staring off into space game that only two NFC Doormat foes could muster, but then pulling out Doormat drama right at end. Doing absolutely nothing for 3 quarters, except practicing hang-time, the Bucs coast into the 4th quarter down 10-0. Suddenly, the Yikes drop their defenses and lie down like Uncomfortably Awkward Rob Lowe on a psychiatrist's couch and the Bucs find themselves taking the lead 13-10, with just 2:02 remaining. But, in a rally that the would make the original 1976 team see bright orange and salute, the Bucs drop their 'prevent' defense so far back that victory gets really hard to see, and with no time on the clock, the Yikings kick a 38-yard field goal, forcing overtime.
The Bucs don't mess around when their backs are against the wall. Especially at home. On the first play from scrimmage in OT, Boots receiver Austin Sefarian-Jenkins grabs a pass and then puts it on the rug for the Vikes, they snag it and go in 27 yards for the score, helpless against the NFC Doormat leaders. The Bucs march on to glory, and Yikes are left to think about what might have been.
RAIDERS 13, BROWNS 23
Taking their cue from fellow Doormat St. Louis, the Raiders stage a fake field goal on 4th and 12 on their first drive of the game. However, the Raiders have Matt Schaub in there holding the kick, which he never does, and somehow the Browns kinda noticed this. Let's just call it a scripted interception.
Still, the two teams staged a field goal and punting snooze after this for three quarters. Finally, the Raiders go into high gear with multiple fumbles and the Browns have to close out the Brownie Bake Sale for the day and take a victory, like or lump it. Raiders now 0-7 and travel to Seattle next week. There may be no stopping this team. 13 straight losses.
JAGUARS 13, DOLPHINS 27
Two, not one, TWO pick-sixes for Jags rookie QB Brian Bortles- an 81-yard 'bomb' and a quick 22 yard slant. The Jags dominated the line of scrimmage, a cause for some concern here in Doormat-land. But, they have overcome that trend this season with barrages of turnovers and failed third downs after well-timed penalties. No team does a better job of looking like they ought to be winning, but yet nailing down losses in convincing fashion. What more can this franchise do?
COMEBACK OF THE WEEK
FALCONS 21, LIONS 22
Has London figured out yet that, should they get an expansion team some day, that they are expected to field the WORST team ever? Every game there is either a Doormat special, or the unveiling of a team going full implosion? Yesterday they got both. The Lions, one of the greatest Doormat teams of all time, dug a perfect 21-0 hole for themselves, but were dragged out of it by the 180º Failcons, switching from dynamic winner to bumbling loser nearly every halftime. What IS their halftime secret?? The Lions really don't have a grip on losing like they used to, but the Falcons have it in their talons and are not letting go...all the way across the Atlantic. Down 21-19 with 4 seconds to go, the Lions miss the winning field goal, but failed to hike the ball before the time clock expired!! Unable to decline the penalty, the Failcons watch the Lions back up five yards and kicker Matt Prater drills it and 88,532 Londoners have no idea what just happened. Did we miss tea time?
TITANS 16, TEXANS 30
The Toxins can't catch a break. Losers of 3 straight, Houston runs into the Titanics and have no chance. Titanics roll on.
LAMBS 7, CHIEFS 34
Fresh off the big upset of Seattle, the Lambs get back to work and turn in a workmanlike loss. 8 penalties, sacked 7 times, 13 first downs, 200 total yards, allowing 99 yard kickoff return for a TD right after halftime (always an absolutely beautiful Doormat play), and getting mowed down by the Chiefs running game all day. Alex Smith posts 100.3 QB rating. Done and done!
BEARS 23, PATRIOTS 51
The Patriots scored on their first five possesions....and one of Chicago's. It was either a TD by Gronkowski or a FG by Gostkowski. Take your pick. Owski! But, just to get the game over with, for sure, before halftime, the Da Bares threw in a fumble returned for a TD with :55 seconds on the clock. 38-7 going into the locker room, and can we have the post game spread NOW?
Well, we're at the half-way point, sports fans, in our Doormat Season. Later this week, our Doormat statistical leaders!!
aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!
As in Ancient Futbol Times, history eerily repeats on Sunday in Grand Old Wembley. Given a Penalty Kick by the grace of the Soccer Gods, the Lions bested the Maltese Birds, as with another chance in the match, the ball was bent thru the post for the winning tally.
ReplyDeleteit sounds like the lions really did try to lose one in London, missing the uprights with :04 on the clock, but oddly the ball wasn't snapped in a timely fashion for a delay of game penalty. (which is typical of a doormat team, stupid penalties are a must). But on re-kick they scored !! How Ironic !!!
ReplyDeleteWe can't script it any better than that. We OWN London.
ReplyDeletealso, note that the Gags are the first team to -100 points for and against.
ReplyDeleteTHough the Lions are not a doormat--right now anyway--the Failcons step in and make this one of the doormat classics as they wrest doormat status from the fabled Kittens--one of the great doormat franchises--and deny them the "L" in the last seconds.
ReplyDeleteLondon loves football now so maybe they won't mind a little institutionalized failure and become the London Raiders. "Wot 'appened, mate? Who won?"
Hey, Wacko, your writing has hit a new plateau of excellence. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteaw thanks.
DeleteThis has been a season of great prose from the authors of our illustrious blog. keep up the good work. and may the worst team win!
ReplyDeleteAny team with Micheal Vick at the helm belongs in the basment ! 4 fumbles in one half !
ReplyDeleteGeno and Vick made a real pair on the bench in the late going. Just like the Raider game with Palmer and the 3rd stringer from Cal...what was his name...Bollard?
ReplyDeletethese games wrote the prose themselves, I swear. When you have material to work with like this, it's a breeeze.
ReplyDelete