NFL WEEK 8 WORST STATS

NFL WEEK 8 WORST STATS

Lions 0-5 in the red zone, 2-12 on third down, and 0-2 on 4th down.  Impressive.

OFFENSE
Points:  0                       Dolphins
First Downs:  13            Dolphins

Total Yards:  196           Dolphins
Rushing Yds:  33           Seahawks
Passing:  121                 Ravens
QB Rating:  43.5            Broncos (Simian)
3rd Down Conv:  3-15   49ers (3-13, Ravens; 2-12 Lions, Chiefs)
4th Down Conv:  0-2      Lions, Dolphins
Red Zone Conv: 0-5      Lions  
Turnovers:  5                 Broncos
INT:   3                           Broncos, Texans
Fumbles/lost:  4/2          Falcons, Bengals, Redskins.  2/2  Browns, Saints, Broncos
Sacked:  5-35                Texans
Fumble six given:  1       Dolphins, Raiders
Pick-six given: 2             Dolphins (Moore)


DEFENSE:
Points:  41                     Texans
Total Yards: 509             Seahawks
Pass yards: 446            Texans
Rush Yards: 177           Chiefs  (174, Dolphins)
No Sacks:   0                 Bucs, Raiders, Bills, Bengals
Penalties for first downs:  3   Dolphins, 49ers, Lions, Texans
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  3-5, Browns;  8-16 Bengals; 7-14 Lions; 9-19 Chargers

MISC:
Punts: 8             49ers, Dolphins
Penalties:  10/120        Seahawks;  11/95  Bills
Time of Poss:  22:08    Browns

-wacko

WEEK 8 MID-SEASON WRAP-UP

CRAZY EIGHTS!

Franchise Glory for 49ers, 

Just plain Blanks for the Blank Helmets

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK EIGHT

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-8           133      219     -86

NY GIANTS               1-6           112      156     -44

TAMPA BAY              2-5           148      168     -20

CHICAGO                 3-5            134     171     -37

ARIZONA                  3-4            119     191     -72

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-8          119      202      -83
INDIANAPOLIS         2-5          142      246     -104

NY JETS                    3-5          157      186     -29
RRRAIDERS             3-5           169      190    -21
CINCINNATI              3-4           122      135    -13

LONDON CALLING!

BROWNS 16, VIKINGS 33

At 6:30 a.m. yesterday morning, I stuck my head out of the sleeping bag and fumbled in the dark for the remote, scattered somewhere on the green shag carpet, rolled over on the duct-tape sofa, and tuned in this Spotted Dick of a game.  I felt like a toad-in-the-hole, all right, but I had a job to do.  This was the BROWNS in LONDON.

Now that it was evident, even in the off-season, that the Jaguars, London's favorite lousy team, were going to climb out of the Basement to Parity glory, the booking office in London had to line up a new Doormat to stumble into Wembley stadium and put a packed house of football fans wearing just about every NFL jersey except the ones the teams on the field are wearing into a stupor.  And who better to carry the Banner of Bad but the Browns?  Nobody, that's who. 

Two, weeks ago, we pleaded with the Browns to change their name- and we've got it.  The Three-and-outs! The Blank Helmets can get rid of footballs so fast, the defense doesn't actually make it to the Gatorade table to get a decent glass of sherry (things are different in London) before they hear that familiar sound of a football being kicked sky high- FOOMP! Get back on the field! 

Despite this artful method of wearing out their defense until it turns to orange sawdust every game, the 3-and-Outs were in a battle yesterday, as the Vikings were game to lose one in Jolly old England. They handed over the ball on the first possession and, shocked by the development, the Browns scored immediately. Wow!  But they pulled themselves together and missed the extra point, saving face.

After a measly field goal and a hard half of 3 and outs and punts, both teams inexplicably put together successful plays and SCORED TOUCHDOWNS. The Vikings fought back with their own missed extra point, at least giving anybody not watching the impression that it was nearly an all-field-goal kind of game. Somehow, the Browns were ahead, 13-12.  

But, good old half-time- the moment when Doormat teams pull themselves together- arrived!  The Brownouts, the Blank Helmets, the 3-and-outs...they united as a team, and did this after the break:  fumble, give up FG, missed field goal, field goal (whoops!), give up TD (payback), punt, Give up another TD, punt, punt (all 3 and outs!), downs, and...END OF GAME.  

The 3-and-Outs have arrived at 0-8, and look unstoppable.  The Moldy Carpet Trophy...they can almost smell it.  I can.  It's over there by the washing machine (it doesn't work).

49ers 10, EAGLES 33

Let's not get carried away.  Back in the states, the Whiners already knew the results in London, and wasted no time in Philly, racing out to a 0-17 deficit by halftime, and it might as well have been 34-0, with the kind of performance coughed up in the City of Brotherly Booing (honest, the Niners were getting booed in Philly).  Even with 5 punts and an interception, the Whines could only fall behind by 9 points midway through the 2nd quarter.  But the Niners know how to break the dam open, and right after the Eagles first TD, rookie QB C.J. Beathard pulled off a pick-six and got the Eagles up 17-0 for halftime. The usual halftime rally was unnecessary for this one, and it was an easy coast the rest of the way.  8 punts for the 49ers, the most in the league yesterday.

The Whiners are now 0-8 for the first time in franchise history, besting the 1-7 start by Bill Walsh's 1979 squad. So, Coach Kyle Shanahan has already surpassed the legendary Walsh on one score. Clearly an indicator of great things to come. Cough.

CAN SOMEONE LOOK UP IF THERE HAVE EVER BEEN TWO 0-8 TEAMS?  

This is a really difficult stat to look up, but I honestly can't remember ever seeing this.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE  

COLTS 23, BENGALS 24

Locked in an incredible struggle for second place in the Doormat AFC, the Clots and Bungles duked it out for 53 minutes, until Colts QB Jacoby Brisset cashed in a pick six at his own 16 to nail down the loss. Stunning to think the Clots are thought to be the worst team in the league, but are 2 whole games behind the Brown-and-Outs. They just can't get any respect.

MIAMI 0, BALTIMORE 40 (Thursday)

Absurdly 4-2 before this game, we now know why the Floppers fans were booing so hard for Jay Cutler to get the heck off the field, and let Matt Moore show his qualities. TWO PICK SIXES and a Fumble-six in his own end zone. 21 points from your QB, and no points scored. WOW!!  Fins still could lose 10 games, if Cutler can just stay out of the way (pretty amazing sentence, huh?).

BUCS 3, PANTHERS 17

When you have your first winning season (9-7) for the first time in 6 years, the fans like to assume that next year you'll win even more...11-5!  We'll be champions soon!  Ah, optimism. I guess it works for some people.  Doormat teams poke their heads above ground, see the glare of the sun, and come scuttling back to the Barcalounger and stale chips in the Basement.  Bucs 2-5 and looking very familiar.

JETS 20, FALCONS 25

Here come the Jets.  3-5 and lowering expectations all over New Jersey.

BEARS 12, SAINTS 20

Yeah, sure the Bears are terrible. I say PROVE IT.  Here come the Packers next week, with no Aaron Rodgers.  Lose handily to these guys and we'll consider writing you up.

RETURNING VETERANS:

There really is only so much room in the Basement on any given Sunday.  The elbowing into the rumpus room by the Lions (Kittens) and the Rrrrrrraiiii....ders is really kind of party crashing, and we thought...I don't know what we thought. At 3-4, the Kittens have to stay outside on the Patio by the grill, monitor the coffee pot and try not to burn their weenies. But, with that totally shaky defense and turnover machine offense on display yesterday, the Raiders...we had to let them inside. 3-5 and in last place in the AFC West, we award them a stool at the mini-bar. Geez, guys, just don't eat ALL the chips.  

aaaAAAAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!

49ers Consider Not Bothering to Win, oh, and NFL Predictions Week 8

Yes, that's right, the SF Chronicle and NY Daily News are both reporting that the SF 49ers sent a survey to fans (presumably ticket holders) and one of the questions was, "In terms of game day experience, how important is it that your team wins?" We will assume here that they are fishing for data that will give them full license to no longer bother winning any games and just provide a really awesome venue with lots of cool things to do (Levi Stadium, that is). Wow, the 49ers are hoping that being a Doormat is a plus. (http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/49ers-reportedly-fan-surveys-winning-important-article-1.3590574.)

Well, here in the Doormat Division we have a pretty good understanding of losing, and we can assure you that as much fun as it is to find a way to enjoy losing, nothing beats winning, especially if you have been the perennial loser. After all, the goal of every doormat fan is for an underdog or a longtime loser to finally get up off the mat and shove the reigning champion face first into the mud.  So the 49ers had better watch out, because their survey truly makes them Kings of the Doormat. Everyone is gunning for you now.

And now for some stats. We are working with some special doormat stats to rate our teams. In the table below EXP stands for expected points, which means the expected point differential for the team for the year compared to the average total points scored by all NFL teams.  It figures in offense and defense performance and strength of schedule. Thank you Pro Football Reference for this awesome stat.  The next two stats are our own Doormat formulas. OI is for Offensive Inefficiency, a measure of total yards, first downs, plays per drive, points per drive, punts, third down completions, turnovers, and penalties that determine how inefficient an offense is. A score over 30 is great inefficiency, over 40 is true doormat material, and over 50 is Hall of Fame territory. IPR is the ratio of inefficiency to points scored (success vs. efficiency). Anything below 3 is pretty bad. Below 2.5 is Holy Cow.

As you can see, of the top 15 inefficient teams, the Dolts are winning the stat war. What is even more interesting is some winning teams are sneaking into the mix. Lions, Dolphins, Panthers....a definite sign that though they may be over .500 but they are not going to go far.  And the two 0-7 teams are not leading in any of these categories. Once again proving that there is a certain essence to some teams that makes it impossible to lose to them. As St. Thomas said, all things strive to be what they are, and the world is an immense desire resulting in immeasurable effort. In other words, SF and Cleveland are all about losing!

DOORMAT	EXP	OI	IPR
Indianapolis Colts	-58.49	37.95	3.14
Baltimore Ravens	-54.62	34.86	3.73
Cleveland Browns	-52.6	36.11	2.85
Detroit Lions	-42.51	34.93	4.61
Chicago Bears	-42.11	36.29	3.36
Cincinnati Bengals	-38.07	33.00	2.97
Miami Dolphins	-36.38	32.63	2.82
Arizona Cardinals	-32.71	45.46	2.62
San Francisco 49ers	-32.45	41.47	2.97
Denver Broncos	-27.64	40.01	2.70
New York Giants	-26.93	39.38	2.84
New York Jets	-18.64	37.33	3.67
Carolina Panthers	-12.66	46.76	2.80

But right now it's Week 8 in the NFL, and here come the Oracle's predictions. This week we are in beautiful OU Memorial Stadium in comfortable Norman, Oklahoma, home of the Sooners, to launch frozen turkeys into the bleachers from a flatbed truck full of corn fed country stompin' fans. Yeehaw!

Miami- 17

Baltimore- 12

Minnesota- 28

Cleveland- 14

Oakland- 26

Buffalo- 18

(Not really a doormat game, but we are still tracking both of these teams.)

Indianapolis- 17

Cincinnati- 21

Chicago- 13

New Orleans- 28

San Francisco- 3

Philadephia- 42

Carolina- 17

Tampa Bay- 24

The Oracle has spoken!

WEEK SEVEN WRAP-UP DISPOSAL IN A HAZMAT SUIT

0-7 AND PROUD OF IT

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK SEVEN

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA     DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-7           123      186    -63

NY GIANTS               1-6           112      156    -44

TAMPA BAY              2-4           145      151    -6

CHICAGO                 3-4            122     151     -29

ARIZONA                  3-4            119     191    -72

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-7          103      169    -66
INDIANAPOLIS         2-5          119      222    -103

CINCINNATI              2-4           98       112     -14

BALTIMORE             3-4           130     148     -18

NY JETS                   3-4            37      161     -24

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

49ERS 10, COWBOYS 40

On a beautiful day for getting shellacked on your home field, the Red and Gold finally put together a complete game and stayed even with Cleveland at 0-7. Fumbled punts, failed 4th down attempts, followed up with 72 yard TDs the other way, 5 sacks, a field goal early, shut it down until a touchdown late, wow...None of this 'almost' winning yesterday, they just flat out got whipped. Now, we don't usually single out too many players (except QBs, it's their job), as Doormat excellence is a true team effort. BUT- one of the brightest Doormat stars of this outfit is #33, DB Rashard Robinson- The Human Penalty Machine. This guy can extend any drive for any team, and usually on third down in his own territory. Just tee up your best receiver, the Whiners will comply with single coverage (they gave up communicating weeks ago, anyway), and Rashard will be there to use said receiver as his personal pull-up bar anywhere on the field, as long as it's 5 yards beyond the line of scrimmage. To lead the league in penalties, as the Whines do, is of course a team effort, but we have to give credit where due.  

Otherwise, an offensive line that looks more like road kill, a rookie QB that tends to hold onto the ball (nice combo), and ...QB CJ Beathard (who got sacked 60 times in his last 2 years at Iowa) has a very curious way of 'avoiding' the rush, which is, apparently done by turning left or right and running right into a huge lineman.  It's new, I'll give it that.

Wow, with this new level of commitment to losing, it's only 2 more weeks and they will be the 0-fer-Niners.  

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 9, TITANS 12  (OT)

This was, we are certain, the Game That Wouldn't End. 7 field goals, no touchdowns. And they took it all the way to 1:44 left in OT to put the Brown-out fans out of their miser- wait, that's not right. The misery is a constant in Brownie land. They are neither in or out of the misery. It does not matter if the ball is in or out of the end zone. It is of no consequence. 

The Browns DID have two drives of 10 plays that did not result in a turnover, so the suspense must have been insane. Luckily, the pressure was relieved with a field goal, and not a touchdown.

Blank Helmet Football prevailed over an inspired effort by the Titanics to hand the Pumpkin Heads their first victory and spoil a Perfect Season. The Browns worked the 2-QB tandem to perfection yesterday, with both Cody Kessler and Deshone Kizer sprinkling in interceptions when it got hypnotic with every possession ending with some kind of kick.  Browns 0-7 and look like 0-16 to us.  Don't fire Hue, don't fire Hue...

GIANTS 7, SEAHAWKS 24

The Gnats led 7-3 at halftime, got a great pep talk, made some adjustments, took a nap, and returned to the field for the second half ready to get run over.  1-6 and right on the 49ers heels.  The NFC Doormat crown is up for grabs. 177 total yards for the Flailing Giants, the team that is a living experiment in stasis.

CARDINALS 0, RAMS 33

10 first downs, 25 yards rushing, couple turnovers, 10 penalties, letting the Rams convert 13 of 19 third downs (!!!), give up 425 yards...the Crudinals may have 3 victories, but I think they can make that stand up and finish 5-11, easy. I mean, they DO have to play the Whiners next week, so even with Drew Stanton filling it at QB for Palmer, they are going to have to really tank it to lose that one.  Watch them try.

BUCCANEERS 27, BILLS 30

Good GOD, the Bills are 4-2.  Here come the Raiders, who pulled their feet out of the grill on the patio last Thursday.  Bucs are really interesting how they make futile comebacks, and then give it right back to the other team in the 4th quarter.  It's new and creative.  The fumble at their own 33 with 2:20 left in the game, tie game, handing the Bills the victory (with chip-shot FG), was brilliant.  Bucs 2-4 and looking ready to come back to the Basement.  It's scary and exhausting out there.

COLTS 0, JAGUARS 27

Colts keep their lead league in punting, racking up 7 more (not a ton, but respectable), and dialing up 10 sacks of their own QB.  Hey, when a play is working, keep running it.  Drive of the day: sack, fumble-sack, dropped pass, 4th and 23.  Punt.  Clots now 2-5, and really challenged to stay with Cleveland.  Good luck there.  

JETS 28, DOLPHINS 31

Welcome back Nyets!  Getting back under .500, and doing it against the completely improbable Dolphins, was magic. Leading 28-14, the Jets collapse against the great NFL secret weapon:  A BACKUP QUARTERBACK.  Fins QB Matt Moore replaces injured starter, and fan boo favorite, Jay Cutler (cracked rib), Jets don't pay any attention, and Moore whips two TDs out of his hat.   With the score tied 28-28, and :49 seconds left on the clock, the Jets take possession at their own 15 and smartly throw an interception on 1st down, alleviating the suspense, and lining the Flops up for a field goal even THEY can't miss. Miami now 4-2 and....is that a mirage?  By the way, neither team stopped either team in the red zone yesterday 3-3 conversion for both sides.

IMPROBABLE VICTORY OF THE YEAR

PANTHERS 3, BEARS 17

Try as they might, the Bears just could not lose this game.  Geez, you get 5 first downs, throw only 7 passes, amass 153 total yards...and you win. You just gotta shake your head and move on.  Watch the video on Monday and see what you did wrong. Here's what beat them: Pansies QB Cam Newton throws a pick-six, drops a fumble-six and engineers 4 arduous clock-eating drives that totaled 3 points (really minus-4, as one resulted in the fumble return for TD).  SORRY BEARS, you are going to have to try harder.  3-4 and getting ready for their Parity Division photo-op!

RAIDERS 31, CHIEFS 30

In a game that ended 14 times, the officials gave the Raiders one more try, and they WON.

And, just like that, the Raiders exit the Basement and are out on the patio, heating up a 'dog. And just when we'd gotten the Barcalounger adjusted just like they like it. Oh well, it's like having old lovers come around again- it just isn't the same.  Let's hope they STAY out there.  

Apologies for not writing about the Bungles.  So much ineptitude out there.

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

Doormat Drives Hit Walls in NFL Week 7 Predictions

In the 2017 NFL Season 35 percent of drives result in a score and 11 percent result in a turnover. That's the average. For a little perspective, Kansas City scores on 49 percent of its drives and turns the ball over 1.6 percent of the time. Cleveland scores 19 percent of drives and turns the ball over 22.5 percent of the time. Yes, 1 in 5 drives is a pick or a fumble TO. Imagine the excitement at home games, knowing that your team will definitely do something drastically wrong about every 20 plays from scrimmage (Cleveland averages 5 plays per drive and 11 drives per game, yes, 5 plays per drive).

And here are our doormat drive  TO leaders:

Team  / Drive TO%
CLE     22.5
CHI     18.6
CIN     16.7
BAL    16.4
CAR    14.8

Note CAR. It's stats like these that reveal the teams that may be over .500, but not looking so good for a deep drive into the playoffs.

And speaking of drives, I used to have this recurring dream. I am screaming down a hilly two-lane road in my El Camino, foot right to the floor. Suddenly, a brick wall pops up in the middle of the road and I slam right into it. I go through the windshield and just as my head hits the bricks, I wake up.

Well, that is what it is going to be like for some teams this week...

And now the predictions:

Chiefs- 36
Raiders- 17
(KC has a 3 point spread in Vegas, but the Oracle knows better. Raiders are putting it in reverse and stomping on the gas.)

Buccaneers- 17
Buffalo- 21
(Wah, my Bills are winning)

Panthers- 21
Bears- 24
(Chicago stuns suspect Panthers. Panthers hit the wall.)

Titans- 24
Browns- 15
(5 field goals for Browns. This one is actually a hard call. Cleveland might get a win in this one, but the flying turkey said no.)

Jaguars- 17
Colts- 14
(Indy fans are still dreaming about a run for the AFC South. Dream turns nightmare against Jacksonville wall.)

Cardinals- 28
Rams- 33
(The Cards are really 3-3? Reality sets in this week. Rams are the wall.)

Jets- 17
Dolphins- 10
(Wow, both of these teams are at or over .500. How is that possible? One of them has to hit the wall this week, and that one is the Fins. They have only made 54 drives this season, and only averaged 1.04 points per drive--lowest in the NFL. That stat is going to haunt them all season.)

Cowboys- 20
49ers- 19
(Whiners lose another close game. Cowboys get to .500, but only for one week.)

Bengals- 10
Steelers- 28
(Steelers suck this year. But, hey, they are playing the Bengals.)

Broncos- 10
Chargers- 9

Seahawks- 24
Giants- 10

And the Oracle has spoken!

NFL WEEK 6 WORST STATS

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK SIX WORST STATS

Now that the Packers have lost their quarterback because of stupid, they are instantly Doormat material.  Instantly.  They immediately stepped up and scored the fewest points for the week (along with the Broncos).  Here's the numbers for Week Six.

Biggest Flame Out of the Week honors goes to the Detroit Lions, managing to give up 52 points while holding the Saints to only 186 passing yards.  QB Matt Stafford was a one man wrecking crew (though please give his porous offensive line some love): 5 turnovers, 3 INT,  2 fumbles, two pick-sixes, a fumble-six, and he was sacked 5 times for 31 yards. Yet, they were within a touchdown in the 4th quarter before Stafford threw the final pick-six to seal the deal. 5 total touchdowns were scored by special teams and defense. The Saints got the Lions back in it by going 2-12 on 3rd down and allowing 9-18 3rd down conversions by the Lions. What a game!

Punt-A-Rama:   15   Rams-Jags

OFFENSE:

Points:   10             Packers, Broncos

First Downs: 12      Chiefs, Giants, Rams

Total Yards:  247     Browns  (this is the worst we can do?)
Rushing Yds:  28    Chiefs
Passing:  111          Bears  (Browns 113)
QB Rating:  38.1    Hogan,  Browns (nicely rotating this honor with his teammate)
3rd Down Conv:  3-18 Ravens,  2-12 Saints
4th Down Conv:  1-3,  Panthers  (0-1 Vikes and Cards)
Red Zone Conv:  0-2,  Ravens, Chiefs (1-4, Broncos, Colts)
Turnovers:  5          Lions
INT:   3                    Lions, Packers, Browns
Fumbles/lost:  4/2   Bears  (Lions 3/2)
Sacked:  5/31          Lions
Fumble six given: 1   Lions, Cardinals
Pick-six given: 2        Lions 


DEFENSE:
Points:  52                Lions (not really fair, 21 of those were given up by the offense!)
Total Yards: 439       Chiefs
Pass yards: 346       Cards
Rush Yards: 194      Chiefs
No Sacks:   0            Packers, Jets, Lions 
Penalties for first downs:  4  Eagles, Jets
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  9-18   Saints

Punts: 8                     Jags
Penalties:  13/118       Saints
Time of Poss:  23:08   49ers  (still no one under the 20:00 mark yet this season)


aaAAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

WEEK SIX WRAP-UP and PARITY PARTY

PARITY IS A...SIX LETTER WORD

BROWNS AND NINERS BURN THE BACON PROPERLY,

EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDS TO DECIDE

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK SIX

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-6            113      146   -33

NY GIANTS               1-5            105     132    -27

CHICAGO                 2-4            105      148    -43

ARIZONA                  3-3            119      158   -39

DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-6           94       157    -63
INDIANAPOLIS         2-4          119      195   -76

OAKLAND                2-4           124     126     -2

LA CHARGERS        2-4           116     131    -15

CINCINNATI              2-3           84       83       +1

BROWNS LOOK UNSTOPPABLE

BROWNS 17, TEXANS 33

The Clowns did it all yesterday-  piles of penalties, dropped passes, 3 interceptions, flailing defense, and a sequence of possessions that goes into the Doormat Hall of Fame. 

Here's the sequence:  1st quarter-  Punt, Punt (both 3 and outs), then arduous 10 play drive that pays off with Kevin Hogan interception returned 82 yards for Texan TD.  Following up five plays later, Hogan whips another interception!  Then, Punt, Punt (both 3 and out) and then 5 play INTERCEPTION drive!  Then after the half,  PUNT (3 and out, thank you), SAFETY (variety is the spice of life),  Punt (5 plays...why?), PUNT, PUNT...and....FUTILE TOUCHDOWN with 01:49 left on the clock.  Scoring your only offensive touchdown with less than 2 minutes to go in the game is a must, if you want to compete in this league.

Wait, that's the whole game. I missed a field goal in there, somewhere.  But there are things to learn here-  Any drive going over 3 plays should then be terminated with an interception. Can you just feel the suspense for Brown fans when Blank Helmet Football creeps past the 4th play on any drive?

SO, WHAT NOW, CLEVELAND?

The Blanks have had 3 winning seasons since 1988.  Three.  Remember, they left town, and, insanely, a NEW Browns team was created, molded from the mud at the Mistake By the Lake, no doubt.  In an effort to help, the Doormat Division held an official conference yesterday with the Commissioner of our august organization conducting the proceedings.  We even kicked the 'possum out onto the patio, we were so serious.

OUR OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATION (should you want to win a game):

Fire your GM. Twice. Then fire (1-21) Hue Jackson, once he gets back from swimming in Lake Erie. Now. He doesn't even get to change out of his wet suit. Then hire someone to run a read-option offense (Chip Kelly is so available he isn't even wearing Oregon colors...whatever those might be).  Sign Colin Kaepernick, and start a fire under everybody's butts. Compared to what's going on now, these are GOOD IDEAS.  That says something, all right.

Then SELL the team to a new owner, preferably a consortium of rock stars and hip-hop artists (Duffy, Puff Daddy, Jay Z, Sammy Hagar, Alice Cooper...u-pick), partner with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, have a roster of performers for the National Anthem that just blows your mind, and change this:

The name of the team.  That's right- screw it. Can we stop kidding ourselves that there is a thing called a Brown? Go for the Rockers, put a clenched fist on the helmet...or just design the helmet to look like a rock. Please, GOD, put something on the helmet.  Commit to something.  Anything.  Paul Brown's HAT.  Cleveland Rockers.

Uniform:  minimize the orange, wear white pants, DARK DARK brown jerseys. STOP trying to lighten the brown. Whoa that light brown and bright orange is embarrassing for a Division 3 school- and at least they'd have something on their helmet.  

But, who are we to question excellence in ineptitude?  

Browns were 0-6 this time last year, and they're 0-6 now. The Pumpkin Heads have every chance at going 0-16, and all that money raised last year for the Perfect Season Parade- they should have just put it into a savings account, and waited.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

49ers 24, WASHINGTON 26

0-6 and leading the league in penalties and dropped passes, and second in missed tackles, the Whiners lose again by the second closest of margins, staging yet another Futile Comeback. Hands of stone, brains of oatmeal, and reaction times of a three-toed sloth, the Forty-Whiners stand atop the NFC standings, in the clear air, sailing free of the clutter of focus, discipline, and execution...though that might be a word with different meaning down south in Santa Clara this morning.  Backup rookie QB C.J. Beathard made his debut for the 49ers yesterday, and he's trouble. They may win a game with him around.  He, at least, looks like a QB from the 70's- nice 'stache.  

GIANTS 23, BRONCOS 10

Okay!  The Giants won a game! Celebrate Giants fans!  Who knows when these times will come again. Except 3 weeks from now in Santa Clara where the Whiners are gonna hand you victory #2.

JAGUARS 17, RAMS 27

We may have Bro-Cha-Cho'd the Jags, but they still can't win two in a row, so hold the confetti. The RAMS, however, are not the Lambs anymore. Just get to 8 victories, you bums, and you'll be in the promised land of Parity Parity Parity!  The thrill of being average!

CARDINALS 38, BUCS 33

Staked to a huge lead, 31-6, the Cruds pulled out all the stops and nearly lost the game, which would have been an all-time kablooey, but it was not to be. 3-3 and just mediocre.

Bucs fall to 2-3, and hey!  We know these guys!  

RAVENS 24, BEARS 27

daBares got a pick-six, and punt return for a TD, and running back Tarick Cohen threw a TD pass off a pitch-out. They need all the help they can get...and they're getting it. The Ravens just flat-out outplayed the Bears.  Ravens could lose 10.

DOLPHINS 20, FALCONS 17

Coming into this game, the Dolphins had scored 3 touchdowns. With yesterday's explosion of two TD's, this should cause complete exhaustion going into next week's gritty battle with the Jets. The Fins are averaging 12 points a game, yet have 3 wins. The Jets and Fins should be Doormats, but at 3-3 and 3-2, I shouldn't even be writing about these guys. So confusing.

RRRRAIDERS 16, CHARGERS 17

The Raydurz, oh my, are BACK.  2-4, and starting to look like one of those Jack Del Rio Jaguar teams where just about everybody knows what play they are going to call. The Chargers may lead the league in missed tackles, but the Raiders fixed that problem,by A, not blocking, and B, out-bumbling the Chagrins, and not covering running backs on pass plays. Look, you can't do everything. Pick your battles. 

Charred QB Philip Rivers avoids playing catch with the wrong team, which is easy to do against a team that does NOT have an interception yet this season, and they win their second in a row.  Sure it was the Giants and Raiders.  But if you can't to lose to these guys, you aren't winning the Moldy Carpet.  Raiders get to turn around and play the CHIEFS this Thursday night. Look Out.  2-5 looms. 

Lots of Parity Division going on, makes for an exciting schedule, and by week 8, we should have the crumble factor in full swing.

Monday Results

COLTS 22, TITANS 36

Colts build mirage lead, finally cave because they lead the league in points given up!  195 big ones, baby, and next week they will clear 200 no problem.  The Colts also have a point differential of -76, with only the Browns (-63) anywhere close to them.  

Huge implications in this one.  We have a big fat 2-4 logjam for 2nd place in the AFC  

aaaAAAAAAND TTHAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!