Kittens and Raydurz are Thanksgiving Turkeys

The Kittens play Green Bay and the Raydurz play Dallas. Could a Cellar
Division fan get a better Thanksgiving? I'm sure the network is
thrilled.

That's Mr. Cellar to you, rookie

Ja-miss-it Russell has been sent to the bench. It's really the only place he can avoid the rush. Have a seat, fatso, because Mr. Cellar is going in.

That's right, sports fans, 4th year QB Bruce Gradkowski will be stepping into the cross-fire that is the Raydurz offense, and boy does this guy have Stellar Cellar Credentials.

He started 11 games for the Bootineers in 2006-7, got CUT by the Lambs in 2008 preseason, latched onto the Brownies for the season, as the 4th string QB, and started their season finale last year. That's right, he's played for the 3 worst teams in the league and is now playing for a sinking pirate ship of fools. The combined records of these teams is 5-31. He's worn #5, 7 and 8 (some punter must have had 6) and if he's not on the Kittens next year, something is wrong, and all theories about fate must be discredited.

Gradkowski was a star QB at Toledo in college, and started off very well for Tampa Bay, after Chris Simms ruptured his spleen (I tell ya, the competition for starting in this league is ROUGH), but then it all slid into the kind of play we now expect from the Boots, and he was benched during a Bears game, and never came back. His total record for starts is 3-8. Sounds about right, don't you think??

Mr. Cellar is getting his start because there's no Jeff Garcia. Garcia was the back-up in camp, until he realized that he was about to be back-up to the most flabby QB in the league on the most poisonous team in the NFL. Run before the Silver and Black gets into your bloodstream!

So, welcome Bruce Gradkowski, Mr. Cellar. Hooray!!

This Week's Debacles

OK, let's see....

Lambs have definite shot at upset over Cardinals. Lambs are playing better ball and the Cardinals are no lock to be on their game. Hey, they LOST to the Niners!

Other than that, I see almost no hope. Deadskins could pull off ANOTHER upset, as the Cowboys aren't much better than the Broncos. In fact, I think they are worse. That's probably asking way too much of them, though, to win two in a row. Think of the partying after the game last weekend. Some of those guys are probably STILL recovering...or are still in party mode.

Titanics no lock to climb out of the cellar completely against the Texans.

OK, so there's three games hanging in the balance. Oh yeah and SOMEBODY has to win Brownies-Kittens, don't they? Or are we predicting a tie?

Matchup of the Week: Brownies vs. Kittens at Ford Field

It's the Great Lakes Classic as the Brownies and Kittens tilt in one of the oldest rivalries in football, and now it's a true battle for the cellar.

Detroit sports blogger John Niyo has a nice entry on this game (see Nov. 17 entry) with a great video clip: http://apps.detnews.com/apps/blogs/lionsblog/index.php

As Niyo puts it: "It's a matchup of floundering 1-8 teams. It'll be blacked out on local TV. There'll be fewer than 40,000 fans in the stadium, more than likely. And the loser might have the inside track on the No. 1 overall pick in next April's draft. "

Here are the Vegas numbers: MATCHUP

Believe it or not, Brownies were 10-6 in 2007, but did not make the playoffs. For their record since 1946, go here: BROWNIE HISTORY

The Worst Team in the NFL

This just in: The Cleveland Brownies are terrible.

They are tied with 3 other teams for worst record (1-8), and YES, the Raydurz are dysfunctional, but Holy Moses this team puts a world of hurt on their fans and continues to be the Floater of Lake Erie.

Once again they take these honors for the week:

1. Least points: 0

2. Fewest first downs: 11 (tied with, of course, the Raydurz).

3. lowest total yards: 160

4. Fewest points scored for the season: 78. That's 8.6 points per contest.

5. However, the Lambs still have the biggest differential between points scored and points allowed, by 2 (-149 to the Brownies -147). So, they don't have all the negatives in one basket.

But they are damn close.

And, just to prove that they really are the Kings of the Bonehead Forest, the Bottom Dweller of all Bottom Dwellers, next week they travel to illustrious Ford Field to take on the Mighty Mighty Detroit Kittens. It's a huge Cellar Match-up, and the Brownies don't stand a chance.

Cellar Division Weak X Semi-Final Wrap Up and Disposal

THE CELLAR DIVISON WEAK X SEMI-FINAL

“You Can’t Lead if You Don’t Lose”

Big changes in the Cellar this week, (welcome Seahags and Nils, goodbye Pansies and Floppers) folks, but first:

Raydurz 3 Cheaps 97

Okay, it was 16-10, but it should have been 97-3. This was bragging rights for Kings of the Bonehead Forest, and it was no contest. It didn’t matter how many points the Cheaps scored, because the Raiders were going to score less, NO MATTER WHAT. Somebody needs to tell Ja-miss-it Russell that “throwback day” has nothing to do with pass trajectory. This guy can’t throw straight. Period. And when he does, he receivers are so shocked, they drop the ball- 8 times yesterday. “OH, my god, there’s something coming RIGHT AT ME! Ow!” First round pick Darrius Heyward-Bey is trying to catch balls with his chest or his knee- oh, I see, the other futball. What Al Davis doesn’t know is that Heyward-Bey played in the Nerf Conference in college. San Francisco Chronicle writer Scott Ostler said it best: “If Haywerd-Bey and Russell were a trapeze act, everyone would be dead.” (find Mr. Ostler's excellent and funny columns at sfgate.com)

The Raiders are so dead in the water that Johnny Depp wouldn’t board their ship to get off the island. Hope Al Davis brought extra Depends™ yesterday ...I wonder if they have the Raider logo on them? Well, it’s all going in the dumpster and going to the island today, baby! But let’s not forget the Cheaps- a team that won despite converting only 1 of 15 third downs (league leaders in worst conversion rate), fumbled twice and really won on 1 play, Jamaal Charles’ 44 rumble on 4^th and 1. The Cheaps, by the way, lead the league in going for it on 4^th down, in most attempts (at least 18) AND conversions (over 60%). That’s desperate. It paid off yesterday.

I should be pulling for the Cheaps-to lose- their my team in the AFC, but the Raydurz deserve this fate in a way that almost no franchise does. Way to go Al! You’ve completely lost touch and lost control of your team by being the only one in control of your team! You are the Howard Hughes of football!!! I hope that’s beer in that jar.

AND, the Raydurz have a golden opportunity to move into first in the AFC (hard to believe they aren’t) because tonight the worst team in football (I really don’t know how they do it), the Brownies, take on the Ravens in the worst Monday night game for the season. The Ravens are coming off their Cellar-worthy stink-up against Cincinatti. However, the last time they met, the Ravens clocked the Brownies 34-3. Could be the BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK (the Oracle from the Basement thinks so).

OK on to the rest of the league and all the drama. First of all, no weekly awards yet, as the standard-setting Brownies have to weigh in with their tiny numbers.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK- so far

Buffalo Nils 17 Titanics 41 - This is the FIRST time a Cellar team is the winner in the blowout of the week, but the Nils move into the Cellar with excellent street cred (3-6 and falling), and by next week the Titanics will probably be OUT of the cellar. These guys, suspected posers all year, have finally put it in gear and look GOOD. But welcome to the club, Buffalo- your only ONE game out of 1^st already, so you’ve got a shot at the Moldy Carpet. You guys are terrible.

Lambs 23 Saints 28

The Lambs hold onto the NFC lead, by a hair (what a battle-3 teams at 1-8), losing late and still throwing bombs into the end zone as time expired. Really, I love the Saints, but you know, we started this league because some of these teams really are OUR teams, and I’d like to see at least one of us doormats rise up and clock the guys at the other end of tunnel- the one where the light and the fresh air are. This was the game, but I guess the Lambs are still the Lambs, even with Marc Bulger healthy and slingin’. Maybe next time, guys. Maybe not.

Kittens 10 Vikings 27

They’ve lost 12 straight at the Humphrey-Dome. They’ve lost 31 of 33, tied for worst stretch ever (Houston Oilers ‘82-84). They played tough for 3 quarters, and then...put it into reverse and stepped on it, as only a team from the Motor City can do!! And yet, they are only in second in the NFC, wedged between the Lambs and the…

Bootineers 23 Floppers 25

The Floppers get themselves kicked out of the league (for at least a week) for winning a game on the final possession- this may be the first time this year after being the poster child for Blown Games. Chad Henne is pulling these guys out of the swamp! Goodbye and good luck Floppers. See you next week, when you play a mediocre team, the Pansies, and most likely lose. The Bucs are still tied for first in the NFC, at 1-8. Keep up the complete ineptitude, men, don’t let anything get you up.

Deadskins 27 Broncos 17

Blowing yet another…wait a minute- is that right? The Deadskins WON?? We have an upset!! Holy Cow, the Deadskins beat a division leader, and I’m not talking about the Cellar. How could this happen? Well, the AFC West is the Poser Division because the Broncos get to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz twice each, so it almost doesn’t count. But don’t tell the city of Washington that. The ‘Skins racked up 388 yards, no turnovers, 2 penalties, knocked out the Broncos QB, and broke the 17 point barrier for the first time this season. OK OK OK you guys can have a Michelob.

Seahags 20 Cardinals 31

How do you get 29 first downs but score only 20 points and lose? You’re the Seahags!They’ve been trying to get into the Cellar all year, and we just can’t ignore them anymore. Welcome, guys, the donuts and beer are over there by the fake upholstered bar, and, just for you, we filled a cooler with chum out in the yard- you’ll have to fight the gulls for it.

BROWNIES and RAVENS tonight! Don’t Miss It!!

aaaaaaaAAAAAnd that’s the view from the Basement!

Welcome to the Basement

It's official, the Floppers and the Pansies, though still pretty bad, are just not basement material. At this time we are proud to introduce two new members of the Cellar Division.....(drum roll please)...

The Seattle Seahags

The Buffalo Nils

Oracle From the Basement Weak X

The Oracle was on a business trip this week and fell asleep for a long time. But the ORacle will not predict. By the way, predictions are made by spinning an old stubby Blitz bottle and the score is determined by the number opposite the one the bottle points to.

And here are today's predictions. Hope I do better than last week!

It's a blowout week as real teams ramp up for the playoffs. Floppers and Titanics both have games they can win, and they will.

Lambs 0
Saints 36

Kittens 10
Vikings 24

Pansies 10
Falcons 28

Deadskins 0
Broncos 35

Bootineers 14
Floppers 24

Raydurz- 10
Cheeps- 8

Titanics- 30
Bills- 7

AAAAAAAND ON MONDAY BEFORE A NATIONAL AUDIENCE THE BROWNIES WILL SHOW THE WORLD HOW TO LOSE.....

Brownies 0
Ravens 42

Time's a Wastin'!! WEAK X PREVIEW

OK, here we go, sports fans! Tonight the O-NIners take one more crack at descent into the cellar, and thanks to TE Vernon Davis they just might. A national TV spotlight combined with Davis' calling out the Bear line as totally inferior just might create a LONG night for Alex (look out, duck! take it!) Smith and the Niners.

But let's get down to the real issues:

Rayduhs- Cheaps: This is extremely hard to call. Cheaps successfully lost at home a month ago, so Rayduhs should blow it at home this week, right? Somehow Tom "Clock 'em" Cable is still coach, probably because Al Davis has slept through the whole thing, waking occasionally to watch old videos of Jim Plunkett throwing the bomb....I'd like to see some of those, to be honest. Anything other than what is getting blacked out this weekend. I'm going with the Rayduhs taking the loss. Cassell is a better QB than Ja-Miss-It.

Titanics- Bills: Bills about to enter the Cellar Honorable Mention list, and this week will solidify their claims. Titanics feeling very good, return home on a roll, and may even get 17 first downs, cutting down their false starts to 43. Titanics roll to a....victory. 3 in a row. Posers.

Deadskins at Broncos: Could be BlOW OUT of the Week, though there's some serious competition there. Broncos very unhappy after the Monday night beat down by Pittsburgh.

Deadskins know what to do- LOSE!! They're terrible.

Bootineers at Floppers: another HEAD TO HEAD match-up! 2 in one week. Yow! Floppers lead the league in blown wins, but Bootineers, disregarding last week's aberration, don't know how to get ahead or come from behind, so Boots stay in the running for the Moldy Carpet.

Man, I'm just wasting my life, here. I love it! By they way, I had a student tell me yesterday they were having an existential crises, realized that everything was a construct, and so couldn't make their lesson.

Why do I bring this up? If I were the Lambs or the Kittens, I'd be digging deep for a really good excuse to not suit up on Sunday- how about "It thought it was a bye week"?

Lambs host the Saints!

Kittens at the Vikings!

DOUBLE BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK!!!!! 'nuff said there.

You know, there's so many bad teams, I lose track of them.

Pansies will get stomped by the Falcons, no problem, and in a scheduling cruelty,

BROWNIES host the Ravens on Monday Night. Ravens coming off a Cellar-worthy bumble but I'm sorry they are no match for the the Kings of the Bonehead Forest. Brownies deliver again to be the first team in the AFC to reach 8 losses, probably the getting the same number of first downs. All under the lights before a national audience of 37 people. But WE'LL be watching.

Gentelmen, make your PREDICTIONS!

Major Tilt Coming Up

I know it's early in the week, but I can't contain my excitement:

Raydurz-Cheaps rematch coming up!!!

Also, to answer Jim's question, I think the Niners get the Lions and the Lambs the last two weeks of the year. Could be a title deciding 'spoiler' role for the local 11. The pressure is building already. It may just be gas.