DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 11 REPORT: Partly Parity with a chance of Totally Mediocre

This week in the Doormat Division:

It’s the Mediocrity Division, not Doormat.  49ers mining new vein of hideous offense.  Jets the 2013 poster child for NFL ‘parity.’  Redskins blow up like giant pustule.  Falcons are just terrible.  Lions return to glory days.  Browns frightened by .500.  The worst teams in the NFL are here to entertain you….everybody’s terrible. 

NFL WEEK 11 REPORT:

Pardon my lateness, dear readers, but yesterday morning I awoke under the grandstands at turn 9 at the Circuit of Americas in Austin, Texas, still clutching a shred of Pirelli tire in my hands and the acrid taste of Sebastien Vettel’s burnout cookies in turn 11 lingering in my parched ‘kiss-the-ground-he-burns cookies-on’ mouth.  I then had to beat a hasty retreat as some thankfully overweight security personnel were trying to get my attention.  The 8 mile trek across the Farm-to-Market backroads and cheerful gravel sprays from spirited Yahoos in some of the biggest pick-up trucks I’ve ever seen on the way to my car in parking lot Q was miraculous in that I only got bit once by the various farm hounds that seemed to appear every 50 yards.   (honestly?  The people of Austin were outstanding in their hospitality.  Great town.)

Let’s get down to business:

PARITY PARTY

Someone cue Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney:

Parity! Parity! Parity! 

It won’t be long before we’ll all be there with all that PARITY!!

We need to stop calling this the Doormat Division.  What’s really going on in this league is who can be the most consistently MEDIOCRE.   I think we have 47 teams with 4-6,5-5 or 6-4 records.  Separated by only a couple well-timed interceptions and muffed punts, the battle for the Bulge is intense.

Bringing up the middle are the New York Jets, the first EVER in NFL history to win-lose every other game for their first 10 games. Right?  Just about lost your mind trying to pick what they are going to do?  Stop betting money on this- you’re completely outmatched.   Show me a sports pundit with a .600 record picking winners this year, and I’ll show you a liar.

BROWNIES 20, BENGALS 41

Nervous at the prospect of pulling to .500,  and then completely terrified after the Bengals staked them to a 13-0 lead, the Brownies implode in the 2^nd quarter-  with a combination of an interception, an 8-yard punt, a blocked punt returned for a TD and a fumble returned for a TD.    31 points later, the Brownies duck into the locker room for halftime and some tea some celebratory brownies and a 4-6 record.  Blank Helmet football returns!  But don’t bet on it next week.

KITTENS 27,  STEELERS 37

Since the Lions haven’t really changed their uniforms since the Harding administration, the only way to join in the retro fun on Sunday at Hines field (and the Steelers’ bumble-bee unis) was to play like their 4-12 selves of last year.  Or the 0-16 of 2008.  Or perhaps the 2-14 of 2001.  Or the 2-12 of 1979.   You get the idea.

JETS 14,  BILLS 37

Jets lost this week, so they win next week at the Ravens.  Bet the house.  Bet the farm.  Bet the pick-up and the hound dogs.  As long as it’s somebody elses’s property.   Bills scrape up to 4-7 and almost attain MEDIOCRITY.  Whoa, hey! 

PACKERS 13,  GIANTS 27

The Pokers?  The Punters?  The pack fall back to the pack at 5-5!  The Giants, once 0-6, are now 4-6!  It’s a wonderful world of…. PARITY!  Parity! Parity! 

I’ll soon be there with Parity

I’ll wash my hair with Parity

And with a spade of Parity

I’ll build a league that’s made of teams that just can’t get it together.

  

GEEZ, Can’t somebody just LOSE around here?

FALCONS 28,  BUCCANEERS 41

Yes.  The Falcons can absolutely lose to anybody.  Yesterday nailed it down. Bucs now sliding toward mediocrity (shocking development).  But they’re playing the Lions next week, so if things go to form, they’ll get trounced.   Falcons in FIRST in Doormat NFC 2-8).

JAGUARS 14,  CARDINALS 27

Yes. Gags return to form after taking care of getting their one win for 2013.  8 punts, 2 interceptions, Bob’s your Uncle, LOSE.  Cardinals hit the dangerous 6-4 mark.  More than 2 games over .500 and you get a league fine, and nasty call from Commisioner Goodell’s secretary, doing her best Fran Dresher voice.  The Cards have Indy next week, so I don’t see why they can’t blow that one.  

YIKINGS 20,  SEAHAWKS  235

Yep. Now you know why Leslie Frazier doesn’t really want to play Christian Ponder.  King of the Blind Interception.  This man is Doormat Gold.  Vikings a solid loser (2-8).  Josh Campbell nowhere in sight.

TOXINS 23,  RAIDERS 28

Only the Toxins could withstand being punted at 11 times and still lose.  20 total punts, a league high this year.  4^th string Raiders QB Scott McGloin looks like the second coming of Kenny Stabler, and takes this year’s award for Out of Nowhere Hero QB.  How can you have the best D in the league and be 2-8?  The Toxins know how, but it's top secret.   

See what’s happening here?  I have to write about every damn team in the league!  Good grief, only the Jaguars have a properly embarrassingly large point differntial (189).  I haven’t even mentioned the completely disintegrating Washington Deadskins.  What a disaster area that locker room is.  I can imagine the disappointment, falling to 3-7 and not being mediocre. It’s like turning up the lights too bright at the Night of Joy (if you know what I mean).   Where’s Ignatius J. Reilly when you really need him?

HONORABLE MENTION:

49ers  20, SAINTS 23

For the second week in a row, the Niners turn in the worst offensive performance of the week.   Colin Kaepernick looks like Alex Smith out there, throwing dink passes and rifling the ball into the ditch.  At least Smith has stoned-handed receivers in KC (whew where did they get those guys?).   2.3 yards and a cloud of chardonnay and pot smoke in San Francisco.  Pass the brie.

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 11 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Atlanta                2-8          214-292

Tampa Bay           2-8          187-237

Minnesota            2-8          240-320

Washington          3-7          246-311

NY Giants             4-6          192-256

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville         1-9         129-318

Houston               2-8         193-276
Buffalo                 4-7         236-273

Cleveland             4-6         192-238

Baltimore             4-6         208-212

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!