DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 12 WRAP-UP AND PUNT INTO THE TOXIC CLOUD

This Week in the Doormat Division:  Packers-Vikes perfect mediocrity;  Houston Texans move into first;  Browns on pace for 10 losses after all;  Jets finally lose 2 in a row; Chiefs figure out losing; Lions remind everybody who's boss.  Week 12 and still nobody’s lost 10 games.

THE TOXIC CLOUD CANNOT BE STOPPED

TEXANS 6, JAGUARS 13

The Houston Toxins have moved into undisputed first place in the Doormat AFC, at 2-9.   Toxins coach Gary Kubiak on yesterday’s game:  “We struggled to throw and catch and do some of the simple things.”  I might dispute the ‘some’ part of that statement. 

"There's so many things that when you have success, when you have a victory like this, so many things you can point out that lead up to it," Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley said. "That's what I'm most pleased about. It wasn't by accident."  

Well, it sure wasn’t by accident, coach.  The Toxins are on a roll that even you guys can’t stop.  8 losses in row leads up to 9 losses in a row very nicely.  Getting sacked for 19 yards on your first pass attempt sets a tone that has to impress even the biggest Jaguar follower.  The Toxic Cloud is rising above all.

Kubiak has coached from the booth the last two weeks.  With his condition, I recommend he move a bit farther off…say, Ulan Bator.  In a yurt with a B/W zenith TV from 1965.   Honestly, after a week in a yurt and chipping in with the chores, he won’t care if he ever comes back.  Slap some more Yak butter on that Mongolian sesame bread, and relax.

Rematch in two weeks in JAX.  Look out.

PARITY PARITY PARITY PARITY!!

PACKERS 26, VIKINGS 26

941 yards of total offense, and it’s a tie.  “It’s an empty feeling. You go out there and you didn’t lose the game,” said Packers coach Mike McCarthy. We’re disappointed you didn’t lose, either, Mike.   The Porkers lost their chance to get in the loss column, and instead are the Gods of Mediocrity this week, standing at 5-5-1.   The Yikings have dealt themselves a serious blow to their NFC Doormat title hopes with the tie.  Craftily blowing a 16 point lead in the third quarter, the Yikes were then duped into kicking a tying field goal in OT by the Pork, and the season’s most stellar game of Parity played out its paltry pay-off to the paying public in butt-freezing Wisconsin. 

BROWNS 11,  STEELERS 27

Six weeks ago, the Brownies were 3-2, the Steelers were 1-4, and the perennially sufferin’ succotash of Cleveland Fandom could not wait to play the Steelers.  Unfortunately, they had to wait 6 weeks.  They tip-toed into the stadium yesterday. And slumped out.

Blank Helmet Football is back, and the Brownies gift wrap 3 fumbles for the Torn Curtain who, thanks to Parity, are in the thick of the playoff hunt in the AFC North with a 5-6 record.  It was also reported they are eligible for the NHL playoffs, were they to start today.

The Brownies (4-7) have 5 games to go, and can make 10 losses. They can break the Parity bubble, and fall straight down into the big hole.  That would be SIX years in a row.  Next week is the swaggering alley cats of Jacksonville, and the final game of the season could be the clincher against these same hated Steelers.  What a way to go out in 2013, nailing down loss #10 in Pittsburgh.  

LIONS 21, BUCCANEERS 24

It was tough.  Those Bucs are Super Bowl material.  The Boots, racking up 10 first downs and 229 yard of total offense, are just a juggernaut of jinky. The Kittens, obviously unimpressed with the Bucs feeble attempt at being the worst team in the league, whip out 2008 (the glorious 0-16 season) in the Kat Box and show the Bootineers how it's done.  Take that, you smelly upstarts!  Eat our kitty litter!!  Matt Stafford hucks FOUR interceptions and never looks back.  Or forward.  The Kitties are 6-5, and only need another loss and a tie, and they can shut up the Packers.  The Bucs have pretty much blown any chance they had at the Moldy Carpet.  Bring back Josh Campbell!

LAMBS 42, BEARS 21

Sam Bradford will never start for another NFL team.  Except maybe in Texas, where he can get lost in the Toxic Cloud.  That would be perfect.

CHIEFS 38, CHARGERS 41

A good, old-fashioned, AFC West shoot-out.  The Cheaps lose two in row, and suddenly nobody is afraid of them.  They opened up the offense, and a can of worms came out.  It’s too late to finish the season 8-8, but they could make to 9-7.  It’s never too late.

GIANTS 21,  COWBOYS 24

The Cowpies did their best, but it wasn’t enough, as the Giants give up crucial 3^rd down conversions and call 3 time outs to help the Cowpies get into proper position for the winning field goal with :00 on the clock.  The GNATS (4-7) move subtly away from ‘parity.’ 

JETS 3, RAVENS 19

Finally the Jets lose 2 in a row.  Now that they set the record for parity (alternating wins and losses for the first 10 games), maybe they can get down to losing 10 games.  QB Geno Smith is on fire for 2 interceptions,  a fumble, 1-12 on 3^rd down conversions,  and 9 of 22 for 127 yards.  Phew!  Hard day’s work.

RAIDERS 19, TITANS 23

The Raiders let their place-kick holder go last off-season, and it’s cost them 3 games already this year.  Seabass misses from point-blank range, and blames the holder. First time he’s ever done it.  But that’s what happens when you start talking about making the playoffs when you are 4-6.  You end up 4-7 and in the hunt for 10 losses.  Hats off to the Silver and Blacked Out. 

COLTS 11,  CARDINALS 589

Boy, the Clots sure can play a crummy game when they put their minds off it, huh?  Up, down, up , down.  You know what song to cue up.

It won’t be long before we’ll all be there with all that -  PARITY!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Atlanta                2-9          227-309

Minnesota            2-8-1       266-346

Tampa Bay           3-8          211-258

Washington          3-7          246-311

NY Giants             4-7          213-280

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-9         199-289
Jacksonville         2-9         142-324

Cleveland             4-7         203-265

Buffalo                 4-7         236-273

Raiders                 4-7         213-269

aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the BASEMENT!!!