Fantasy League Standings

Hello, Doormat brethren. Are you done watching the Bengal guy do the head first flip into the endzone? No? I'm not.

Due to Xmas Holiday travel, I am not at my Commodore 64 in the broom closet in the basement and therefore must enter my report from the world wide web. Like Santa Claus, our reach is global, though we still retain the personal touch. Unlike Santa, no one has left out edible cookies and are not waiting with baited breath for our arrival with the bag, man. No, my breath does NOT smell like bait. I did the hand-check thing. Thanks for asking. To those of you who follow our blog, we usually keep this side of the blog private, but not today!

Please note: to comment on these standings you must do so here at the blog.

FANTASY LEAGUE:
important note: I blew the math last week. Elvis' real record was 10-18, not 9-19, causing a wave of false hope over by the green drum set in the corner (with the possum nest in the bass drum). see below for ACTUAL record. Drum roll, please.....

Jimbo takes the overall Moldy Carpet Commisioner's Trophy with a week to go!
He can't be caught. With the Dolts inexplicably finding a way to win, and the stalwart contributions from the ever-dependable Cleveland Brownies and the St. Louis Lambs, Jimbo can start making room on his wall for the Grande Plaque du Mold.

Here it is, read 'em and weep:

Jimbo 6-24 (Browns, Rams)
Walkfish 9-21 (Colts, Cardinals)
Elvis 10-20 (Dolphins, Redskins)
Wacko 11-19 (Broncos, Vikings)
DT Rocks 11-19 (Jaguars, Seahawks)
Moose 12-18 (Chiefs, Panthers)

Last year's champ, Moose, comes in last, as the Carolina Panthers finally start sorting out how to play defense, now that it has become obvious they have the best offensive player in the league. Cam Newton is the guy Michael Vick was supposed to be. This guy is going to be just a pleasure to watch for his whole career. I've never seen anything like this guy. Now, if he can just work up a good flip into the endzone, he's gold. People in "Carolina" must just be pinching themselves.

Please note that the singular Moldy Carpet Trophy is still up for grabs. The Dolts and the Lambs are tied (Dolts currently win the tie-breaker, by either our standars - point diff- or the NFL's - strength of schedule). Lambs should lose in a walk in SF next week, but the Dolts are in serious serious danger as they travel to Jacksonville, where hope hasn't had a spring for an eternity.
The Yikings cannot win the Trophy, as they lose all tiebreakers. Sorry, Yikings, you blew it yesterday. They can't do anything right. But we knew that.

Merry Christmas/Pagan Tree Day gentlemen.

The Doormat Division 2011 Week IV Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK IV PREVIEW

It’s been hot the last few days. It’s really best if it doesn’t get too warm down here in the basement. The carpet warms up and…maybe I’ll type this outside. There’s gotta be a reeeeeeeeeealllllllly long extension cord around here somewhere. That sounds a lot like work. Maybe I’ll just light some early ‘60s incense- tobacco. That’ll cover up anything.

It’s Week IV, Doormat denizens, and if you can’t get on the losing bandwagon this week, you may be destined to another 7-9 year of parity and boredom. You either want to win big or lose big in this league. Kinda like our country these days. How come the NFL is interested in parity, anyway? What is this, SWEDEN???

Speaking of Scandahoovanians:

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

Yikings (0-3) at Cheaps (0-3)

Ah, remember the good old days? Back when the Cheaps won something, and the Yikes…well, never mind. There are no good old days for the Yikings. Believe me, I KNOW. The Yikes bring their incredible 3 game Come From Ahead streak into Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, and it’s going to be tough loss to nail down. Why? The Cheaps, over their last 5 games, are averaging 8.8 points a game. They are LAST in the league in offense and defense. Until last week, the Cheaps hadn’t even scored in the second half.

So, pulling off a come from ahead is a TALL order for the Yikes, and most likely the streak will be broken. But not all is lost! The Cheaps did rally for 17 points last week, and didn’t nail down the loss until Matt Cassel hurled an INT late in the game. So, it could happen. And my brothers could ask me if I’ve written any songs lately, too.

The Yikes have won exactly ONCE in KC, in 1974. The Doormat wisdom: If you can’t hold a lead, don’t get one. The Yikes will be focused on maintaining the same level of play for the whole game, so to avoid pooping out in the 2^nd half yet again, they’ll pace themselves, and play like crap from the kickoff. In fact, they’ll play like crap on the bus coming down I-35. This should be decided by a field goal…in the second quarter. EDGE: YIKINGS

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Pansies (1-2) at Bears (1-2)

If the Bears can lose to Carolina, we’ll have to start recognizing them. We want to, but last year they made the playoffs (and looked like Doormat material in the final game). But this is the game. No more pussyfooting around. Pansy pass defense should make Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler look like Cam Newton, but it may not be enough. Pansies are really in danger of winning any game against another commie-pinko Parity Team. Cam Newton has not yet had a miracle finish game. Chances are… EDGE: BEARS

Falcons (1-2) at Seahags (1-2)

The Falcons can’t really have the same record as the Hags, right? Is that right?

That’ll change come Sunday. Lights out at Pork Link Field. EDGE: HAGS

COUNTDOWN TO UNEMPLOYMENT

Saints (2-1) at Gaguars (1-2)

Every year it looks like the Gags are finally going to fire Jack del Rio, and then the team wins a flurry of games at the end of the season, and his sorry ass stays in Jacksonville. Who else fires their starting quarterback just before the season 2 years in a row? Nobody. You Gaguar fans with shrines and voo-doo dolls and fervent prayers asking for release from this land of morale stomping, and really truly unimaginative offense, your luck is turning. The Saints are bringing you some serious ju-ju, monkey hands, and gris-gris, just for you. But you still are in the serious hunt for the Moldy Carpet. EDGE: GAGUARS

Floppers (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

Name the Miami coach. I dare you. Pretty soon you won’t have to. EDGE: FLOPPERS

THE REST OF THE PILE UP OF FUMBLING INEPTITUDE

Donkeys (1-2) at Packers (3-0)

Blowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwout of the Week. Denver fans, just pray that Tony Sparano (that’s his name!) keeps his job in Miami until at least Week VII. That’s your next shot at a victory. Clean your garage on Sunday, OK? EDGE: Donkeys

Deadskins (2-1) at Lambs (0-3)

The Lambs really are showing how it’s done. 8 years without a winning record is not something to be sniffed at. In fact, I’d stand back a couple yards. Averaging 1 touchdown and nearly 3 fumbles a game, the Lambs are scraping the bottom of the league in every catergory, except punts per game, a lowly 6.5. But the good old Bungle Axiom- A fumble is As Good as A Punt- applies here. Also, getting sacked 4 times a game ain’t chopped liver. Shockingly, the Deadskins are going to 3-1. EDGE: Lambs

Bills (3-0) at Bungles (1-2)

Uh-oh. The quagmire at Brown Pall Stadium looms at the Bills. “Don’t leave us,” the Bungles cry. The Bills better wear earplugs, because the siren song of the Moldy Carpet is very loud in Cincinnati. I’m not kidding on this, this game is the biggest test of the year for these guys. The Bungles’ defense is ranked 5^th, but they’ve played mediocrity incarnate so far this year, so the jury is…being selected for the various Bungles who are out on bond. EDGE: Bungles

Giants (2-1) at Crudinals (1-2)

The Giant come into We’re Not the University of Phoenix Cardinals stadium and pummel the Crud. The Crud have improved their situation. They have more TDs than INTs, less sacks, and have crept up to 27^th in the league in offense. The don’t give up a lot of points (but a TON of yardage), but look at their competition: Pansies, Deadskins, Seahags. They won’t beat anybody except a Doormat or maybe a commie-pinko Parity team. The Giants are not enough parity at this time. EDGE: CRUD

And finally on Monday night, another game of national embarrassment:

Dolts (0-3) at Bootineers (2-1)

Winning record aside, Boots QB Josh Freeman is still averaging more interceptions than TDs, so he’s not gone all winner on us yet. Kerry Collins has thrown only 1 interception. And that’s it for the superlatives! EDGE: DOLTS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!

NFL Week 4 Doormat Division Predictions

Yikings introduce new "on the knee"  formation

It's week 4 in the NFL and the basement denizens of the Doormat Division are still recovering from last week's epic displays of ineptitude and futility, not to mention the all-out head-first dives into the beer vat celebrating the exit of two teams from the basement: Buffalo and Detroit.

But now it's time for the Oracle from the Basement to speak again. We spin the frozen turkey and the headless neck points to these fateful scores. Gentlemen, make your predictions:

Pansie- 14
Care Bears- 10
(Yes, another mirage from last year, Chicago, will edge closer to the shadowy doorway to the basement. The surging Pansies just might push them down the steps)

Bills- 18
Bungles- 10

Titanics- 17
Brownies-13

Kittens- 36
Cowpies- 10

Yikings- 3
Cheeps- 0
(Stiff of the week)

Deadskins- 28
Lambs- 6

Ain'ts- 50
Gaguars-- 10

Giants- 18
Crudinals- 3

Patsiettes-21
Raydurz- 28

Buncos- 10
Packers- 36

Floppers- 10
Bolts- 18

Seahags-6
Falcons- 17

And that's how the turkey spins.....

The Doormat Division: Weak III Wrap Up and Disposal

WEEK III WRAP UP AND DROP KICK INTO THE NEXT STATE

Good morning, bleary eyed Doormat denizens. Things are coming into focus any second now, and though we have FIVE 0-3 teams driving their future and fans directly into a fetid ditch of football futility, today’s column is all about the guys leaving the club.

ADIOS Nils!!!!

Buffalo BILLS 34, Patsies 31

In a game they won’t soon forget in upstate New York, across Lake Erie, and throughout the Buffalo Universe (I’m sure that includes a stocking cap and a huge down parka), the Nils come from behind AGAIN, this time against eternal nemesis the New England Patriots. The last time the Nils beat the Pats, it was 1777. I’m sure it felt like it. How many times can you stand to watch Tom Terrific, who looks like he’s 9 feet tall back there, getting enough time to watch Lord of the Rings in the pocket while he handsomely arcs passes to gazelle-like receivers and all your women seem to be wearing their best push-up bras to the game? Huh? Little tired of that?? Not that you mind the fashion statement, but it's for the WRONG TEAM.

It’s different in Buffalo now. The fans, staring down the barrel of a 21-3 Pats lead, did not slump into their $9 beer and start fumbling in their coat pockets for whatever it was they snuck into the game. They kept rocking and screaming and the team didn’t let them down. Intercepting Brady FOUR TIMES in the second half, one for a TD, the Nils stage a furious rally, piling up 448 total yards and kicking the Pats off the field with a boot from Rian Lindell from 28 yards as time expired. The place went so nuts, the cops just lowered the goal posts FIRST, before anybody even got on the field!!

The Nils still have a pretty atrocious defense, folks, but BOY can they score. Just like the Doormat Division predicted, all those games they barely lost year, they should barely win this year. And they’re doing it. 3-0 and ATOP the AFC East, thanks in part to fellow ex-Doormat the Oakland Raiders stomping the New York Jets yesterday.

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Please, don’t come back for a while, okay? It’s kinda crowded down here.

ADIOS, KITTENS!!

Detroit Lions 26 Mini-ha-ha Yikings 23 (OT)

The Yikes did it again! Wow!!! In four years of Doormat coverage, no team has pulled off three legitimate Come From Ahead losses in a row. This time, the Yikes rolled some big blunts in the locker room at halftime, safely ahead 20-0. STUMBLING out of the tunnel in a cloud of smoke….all right, all right, I didn’t see any smoke. But, the Lions hadn’t beat the Yikes on their home turf since 1997..which sounds about right, because the Lions haven’t beaten anybody since 1997. I mean, we’ll be saying stuff like that all year if they keep winning. Whatever it is the Yikes are doing in the locker room at halftime, keep it up guys! You’ve got NFC Doormat Champion written all over you. The Moldy Carpet is pointing towards Minneapolis.

The Kittens rocket to 3-0, first time in 31 years, yup, and the Yikes plummet to 0-3. Two more games before the Yikes completely give up for the whole game, instead of just half. Not that it matters. Up next for the Yikes- the CHEAPS!! Doormat game of the week for Week IV.

GOODBYE KITTENS! Unless, of course, Stafford gets injured and the wheels come off immediately.

ADIOS RAYDURZ!!

Raydurz 34 Crop Duster Bi-Planes 24

That loss to Buffalo doesn’t look so bad now, do it? The Oakland Raiders get up off the mat, and take it to the NY Jets, basically running OVER the Jets with the best running back in the league, Darren McFadden, blowing through holes the Black Swan could navigate through. ARR!!!

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Pass the rum.

Okay, enough of these winners. Let’s get on the right side of losing here. There were at least 4 really stink-o games yesterday, but we’d better lead off with a Doormat powerhouse:

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK!

Lambs 7, Ravens 37

The Lambs were picked by many people to win the NFC Worst this year…including us (with a losing record, of course). The Lambs are not going quietly into the Doormat night people. 3 weeks, 3 losses, and this one looked really bad. Spotting the Ravens to a 30-0 lead, the Rams then scored a touchdown. Okay, good enough! The Rams put on a Punt Punt and Punt event for the 1^st quarter, getting in FIVE of them, which would average out to 20 for a game, and at the same time, moving the Ravens into a masterful lead of 21-0. Nobody throws a game better than the Lambs. I mean it. Shaking things up for the 2^nd quarter, the Lambs go for an interception, some more punts, and an array of penalties that would impress the Raiders. The Lambs are the team to beat- get in line, everyone- in the NFC.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

0-for-9ers 13, Bungles 8

Okay, this was my official Doormat coverage game, and it didn’t disappoint. Our first true Stiff of the year. Even the score is a tip-off. ONE TOUCHDOWN. 14 punts. A really stupid intentional safety by the Niners that gave the Bungles a shot to win the game, which they immediately shot down with a total bone-head cheap shot hit on the ensuing punt-off that took them out of Hail Mary range. It was that kind of game, with each team out-Darwin-ing the other one play after another. Penalties, fumbles, interceptions, and just plain shoddy SHODDY execution. This stuff doesn’t happen by accident, people. They just kept coming. The Bungles didn’t convert a 3^rd down until 12:00 in the 3^rd quarter. 1-10 on the game. The 0-fers didn’t get across midfield until the mid-point of the 3^rd quarter, and that’s because they started at their 42!! 0-fer QB Alex Smith was given exactly .000000000003 seconds to drop back and pass all day, and the miscommunication on the offensive line was Doormat All-Star. There was so much gesticulating, I thought they were going to break into “Hand Jive.” It was that kind of day.

Inept offense will out-bungle inept defense every time, and that’s how the Bungles pulled out the loss. After the 0-fers lone touchdown in the 4^th quarter, A.J. Dalton followed up on the next play with a perfect pass to 0-fer-9 cornerback Carlos Rogers. Game over.

One drive stands out: First and goal for the 0-fer-9ers. Offsides, Niners. Then, personal foul Bungles, automatic first down at the 3. Then, false start, Niners (something like 8 for the game). First down at the 8. Then, 3 crumbles by the O-line, and a field goal. Now that’s what I call RED ZONE conversion, Doormat style!!

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Floppers 16, Brownie-Bake-Sale 17

If you can lose in Cleveland, you are on your way. The Floppers are no longer under the radar in the Doormat. Keep an eye on these guys. They’ve got potential.

Cheaps 17, Chargers 20

Cheaps keep it going with narrow loss, but a loss all the same. 0-3 and maybe we should go shopping for some new wallpaper for the basement. That Pansy wallpaper isn’t going to last, I can tell.

Dolts 20, Steelers 23

Dolts also keep it close, and were, in fact, AHEAD in this game until the 4^th quarter, when the Steelers finally realized the Dolts would just give them the game, if they’d just ask. Losing in the final seconds on a field goal is how you end up at the bottom of the standings, but in FIRST in the Doormat. Dolts still perfect 0-3.

Donkeys 14, Titans 17

Donkey-Buncos may not be SUPER BAD, but they are trying. If you can keep your yardage under 250, you’ve got a fighting chance to lose. The defenses haven’t caught up to the offenses completely, but training camp is finally over in week III. Donkeys may not get 2 touchdowns again for a while.

Pansies 16, Gaguars 10

Walkfish called it. Pansies last best chance to win one before playing teams with playoff aspirations. Gaguars may be really bad. Pansies will be hard pressed to repeat as Doormat champs. Cam Newton just too much football player to succumb to the culture of losing. Insane team owner or not.

HAGS 13, Crudinals 10

If it wasn’t for the Bungles-Niners game, this is Stiff of the Week. Like we said, you just can’t lose them all in the NFC Worst. The Hags, faced with great field position most of the game, just couldn’t pull out the loss. After scoring their 1 touchdown in the 3^rd quarter, the Hags punt on their last 5 possessions, all to no avail. The Crud finish their scoring early in the second quarter, and barely even bother to get a first down the rest of the game. It’s the kind of game where, if you are at the stadium, you really don’t remember the entire second half, because, well, you were watching the seagulls, and other things that move.

THIS WEEK’S SUPER LOWS

Points: 7 Lambs

First downs: 12 Bears

Yards: 231 Donkeys

Rush: 13 Bears

Pass: 171 Cheaps (edging out the Donks by a yard)

3^rd down conv 1-10 Bungles

Sacks 5 multiple teams.

Punts 8 Pansies

Penalties 12 0-fer-9ers

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!

Can it get any weirder?

This is truly the weirdest season ever.
Rayduhs and Chefs fighting for first place next week...is that correct?
Hags lose/Lambs win putting Lambs squarely in the hunt for a conference title. Seriously...?
Cowpies and Buncos fighting for cellar domination. That road goes through the heart of Buffalo however and if you've ever been to the heart of Buffalo, it's not an easy place to get through.
We may have the most teams ever finishing at 8-8, like 20 or more.
Brownies will beat anybody if they want to.
Favre is actually scaring people now with his fragility. Last year's NFC championship game should have been a clue. He didn't get any younger in the off season. I don't want to see any more old, gray, grandpas curled up in the fetal position on a golf cart unless they are on a golf course.
AND Troy Palamaladingdong has perfected the Cowardly Lion Leap to the point where others will emulate it for years.

What Makes a Doormat?

Go the entire first half without a first down.