DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 7 WRAP-UP AND FAKE PUNT!

ONLY ONE UN-VICTORIOUS TEAM LEFT.  DOORMAT MASTERPIECES ABOUND.

JAGUARS 24,  BLANK HELMETS 6
The Jags....WIN??  The Brownies come storming back into the Basement with a complete turkey. After their big "we're not a Doormat anymore" game against Pittsburgh, Cleveland arrives in Jax in a generous mood.  No running game (69 yards).  13 first downs. Losing the ball TWICE in their own red zone, both times setting up the Jags for  'drives' at the 2-yard line. Jags cash in both times for TDs.  It's not like the Gags weren't in losing form- they punted EIGHT times, threw three interceptions, do almost nothing on offense...and WIN THE GAME!  Actually, the Blank Helmets got the Jags 185 yards rushing.  Jags fall from the bottom-feeding depths of the un-victorious and now have to hope the Raiders somehow, some way win a game.  Gags win for first time in 10 months. They can cross 'get one win' off their bucket list now.

RAIDERS 13, CARDINALS 24
It was a victory of sorts.  The Raydurz held the Cards under 30 points!  3 games in a row of holding opponents under 30.  Let's celebrate!  Plus, they are now the last un-victorious team in the entire NFL.  0-6 and heading into...Cleveland, a Doormat quagmire.  But, since the Silver and Blacked Out really don't have a defense (Cards converted 60% of 3rd downs), the Browns will rebound from their afternoon of the Jaguar juggernaut and bury the Raiders.  Raydurz have now lost 12 in a row.  Longest losing streak in the league.

RAMS 28, SEAHAWKS 26
Lambs pull off best fake punt reception I have ever seen....in fact, I don't know if I've ever seen one before that.  Great 'deke' football play. That was hilarious, and anything that brings out the 'Disbelief' look on Pete Carrol's mug is worth a thousand punts.  Go Lambs.

TITANICS 17,  REDSKINS 19
This was definitely one of those "no YOU take it" games. The Titanics make Washington 3rd-string QB Colt McCoy, who started the 2nd half, look like an all-star as they narrowly escape D.C. with the loss, avoiding the dreaded two game winning streak in the Basement.  Fantastic last-minute defensive collapse gets Deadskins in field goal range for a chip shot with no time remaining.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK SEVEN
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-5               120       204      -84

Washington    2-5                151      183      -32        

Minnesota       2-5               120      160       -40

Atlanta            2-5               171      199       -28

St. Louis         2-4               129       176      -47   

AFC                              

Oakland          0-6                92        158     - 66

Jacksonville    1-6                105      191      -86

NY Jets           1-5                121      185      -64

Tennessee       2-5                121      172      -51

Texans            3-4                155      150      +5

VIKINGS 16,  BILLS 17
Minnesota- your 'bounce back from a defeat' assistant!  4 of 5 Yiking defeats have been 'bounce-back' victories for their opponents.  The Yikes are a confidence-building team! Despite 4 expert turnovers by the Bills, and both teams starting their 3rd string QBs, Yikings QB Terry Bridgewater delivers 2 interceptions and the Vikes just refuse to put away the Bills. Leading 13-10, the Vikes engineer a backward drive from the Bills 7-yard line, narrowly making a FG from the 33. 16-10.  Finally the Yikes defense opened up the shipping lanes for the Bills' last drive and Bills QB Kyle Orton- yes KYLE ORTON- takes Buffalo in for the score, as time expired, unmolested by any Norse gods or men in purple.  11 sacks, 15 penalties, 6 turnovers, 11 punts.  What a day.

BENGALS 0, COLTS 27
Just when I though nobody cared about punts anymore, the Bungles- fresh off their tie game where they missed the winning FG as time expired in OT- boot a franchise record-tying 11!!  8 first downs and 135 total yards! Yes! After starting 3-0, the Bungles have gone into a steep descent, and are hanging around on our patio, now, huddled by the grill.  I better go shoo them off, they still have a winning record.  Lose two more, okay?

FALCONS 7, COLTS 29
I see the Failcons are adding lack of offense to their already hard-won abominable D.  The Flacs are terrible.  Things HAVE NOT changed.  9 games to go to run the table, but they have to play Tampa Bay one more time, so going 2-14 might be tough.   3-13 looks entirely possible.

SAINTS 23, LIONS 24
Do the Saints have what it takes to be a 10-Club member (10 losses on the year)?  These last-second defeats are starting to look pretty professional.  12 penalties for 134 yards!  2-4 AIN'T chopped liver.

TEXANS (4-2)  at STEELERS (3-3)
Right now, there are only FOUR AFC teams with losing records. That's not right. Something's GOTTA GIVE.  The Shower Curtain got it going last week with their embarrassment in Cleveland.  If they can maintain their lack of stamina and focus,  we'll have FIVE losers.

JETS 25,  PATRIOTS 27  (last Thursday)
Jets almost slip up and win, but keep within game of the Raiders for AFC bragging rights.


aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!

Doormat Division WEEK IV Wrap-up and Jettison

WHAT AT WEEKEND!! We’ve still got 4 teams with perfect records (winless), we’ve got someone new joining the party, and we’ve got our old standbys keepin’ it real. But let’s start off with a huge salute to the worst performance this year, and maybe for a while:

TEAM OF THE WEEK!!

Honors this week go to the NEW YORK JETS (Junks? Biplanes? Pipers?), as they turn in the stinker of the season while losing to 34-17 to the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes. It’s not even close. Look at these numbers: 7 first downs, 8 punts, 5 fumbles (3 lost), 1 Int, and 3 turnovers run back for touchdowns by the Ravens. 150 TOTAL yards.

The Jets fumbled on the first play from scrimmage which the Ravens scooped up and ran in. You just can’t play a whole lot worse, without scripting it. 9 penalties, 3.2 yards per pass. The only blemish on this performance is the kickoff return for a TD and an INT for a TD. That’s 5 TDs not scored by an offense. 1 TD on offense by the Ravens. I’ve actually never heard of a game like this. I wonder if there has ever been a game where all the points were scored on defense.

The Jets tried! Mark Sanchez has a Bungle-worthy game of epic proportions. Let’s not forget the Ravens got 7 turnovers out of the Steelers in Week I.

Whew!

COME FROM AHEAD

Cowpies 30, Lions 34

It’s weird to write LIONS, no?

As long as you have Tony Romo on your team, you can pull defeat from the jaws of victory on any given Sunday. Bonehead Tony does it again! With his team ahead 27-3, the prince of the Bonehead Forest throws it so hard into reverse, Jerry Jones got whiplash. TWO consectutive possessions- two INTs returned for TDs. And then, deep into the fourth quarter, Romo throws another INT to set up the final Detroit score.

Cowpies may be 2-2, but boy can they do Doormat when they get motivated.

Cheaps 22, Yikings 17

The crucial battle between winless Doormat powerhouses nearly hit paydirt on the Stiff-o-Meter, but were edged out by the Lambs- Deadskins for boredom. Technically, this game counts as a come-from-ahead, as the Yikes had a 10-9 lead in the 3^rd quarter. But it was a half-hearted effort on that score. But the Yikes came through as predicted, and pretty much slogged their way through the whole game. The Cheaps kick 5,000 field goals and win their first game. Who wants Andrew Luck more? Yikings do.

Crudinals 27, Giants 31

You know, I think we should have a lock-out shortened preseason every year, if we’re going to get defensive breakdowns like this all the time. Ahead 27-17 with 5:16 left in the game, the Crudinals whip out their Doormat membership card and pull off a come from ahead loss that would be amazing if there weren’t so many teams doing it. The Cruds can score, and that’s new. But whenever they switch to their Orange Cone pass defense, coupled with an increasing ability to get the crucial penalty call, they can still nail down the loss better than just about anyone in the NFC. Except for you-know-who. Look to the Arch.

0-fer-Niners 24, Beagles 23

Is this a changing of the guard Doormat game? The lowly Niners, showing clear signs of having inspired, level-headed coaching, and my isn’t that a shock around here, score 21 unanswered points in Philadelphia, rallying from oblivion, and send the Beagles to 1-3, while the O-fers rocket to 3-1 in the NFC Worst, which pretty much wraps up the divisional title. I can’t say ADIOS yet to the Niners, because…I just can’t. But can we give a warm beer welcome to the Beagles? They travel to Buffalo next week. Let’s wait one more game.

JUST PLAIN UN-UNBEATABLE

Lambs 10, Redskins 17

Remember when the Lambs were an up-and-coming team? Didn’t they go 8-8 last year and just miss the playoffs? No, they didn’t. They went 7-9 and got edged out by the team that thinks they are going to get Andrew Luck. Well, guess what, you Seahag pretenders to the Moldy Carpet? The pride of the Doormat Division the St. Louis Lambs, are on a ROLL. Stiff-of-the-Week honors goes to this game. A Punt-Fest of dueling losers! 20 first downs TOTAL. 15 punts, 19 penalties, six fumbles…whew, when did they find the time to get some Gatorade? Every time you think you can sit down for a moment and send some tweets, you gotta get back out on the field. Geez.

The Lambs open the game by punting on 7 of their first 8 drives, with a fumble tossed in, and that’s 3 quarters of football right there. Lambs QB Sam Bradford runs for his life all day, and fails- 7 sacks, a season high. Lambs scrape out 172 yards of total offense…totaled offense. Lambs 0-4 and heading into a bye week.

Floppers 16, Chargers 26

Miami is now 0-4 and really just plays bad enough to lose every game. They get a week off now, and this gives them a chance to systematize the method. They have tough losses to eek out against the Jets and Donkeys coming up.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bungles 23, Nils 20

That’s right, they’re the Nils this week. We didn’t predict the loss, but we sure knew going into Brown Pall Quagmire Stadium was going to be extremely difficult. A half-full-stadium, the quiet soporific effect of the trash blowing in the wind….it just makes you kinda sleepy you know? The Bungles pull to 2-2 on a last second field goal, and the Nils are reminded that the Bad Old Days aren’t over yet.

Pansies 29, Bears 34

I gave the Pansies the chance to have their first miracle finish game, as Capt. America is going to have a few. But not so fast. The Pansies are still the Pansies, and the only teams they are going to beat are Doormats, or the NY Jets. No matter how many points they score, the other team will be given more. It’s like a social program. Also, for all his heroics, Newton not doing well on 3^rd down- 2 for 12 on conversions.

Donkeys 23, Packers 49

And we’re right again on Blow Out of the Week. Not that it was hard to predict. I hope you Denver fans got your garages cleaned out and stuff. You team sure got cleaned out.

Seahags 28, Falcons 30

Seahags almost play a good game, but still nail down the loss.

Gags 10, Saints 23

Boredom in Jacksonville. Keep praying to those Fire Del Rio shrines, Gaguarians. Someday, your prayers will be answered.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 10 Lambs, Gags

First downs: 7 Jets

Yardage: 150 Jets

Rush 38 Jets

Pass 12 Jets

3^rd down con. 2-12 Pansies

Turnovers 4 Jets

Sacked 7 Lambs

Punts 8 Lambs

Penalties 11-118 Crudinals

The Doormat Division 2011 Week IV Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK IV PREVIEW

It’s been hot the last few days. It’s really best if it doesn’t get too warm down here in the basement. The carpet warms up and…maybe I’ll type this outside. There’s gotta be a reeeeeeeeeealllllllly long extension cord around here somewhere. That sounds a lot like work. Maybe I’ll just light some early ‘60s incense- tobacco. That’ll cover up anything.

It’s Week IV, Doormat denizens, and if you can’t get on the losing bandwagon this week, you may be destined to another 7-9 year of parity and boredom. You either want to win big or lose big in this league. Kinda like our country these days. How come the NFL is interested in parity, anyway? What is this, SWEDEN???

Speaking of Scandahoovanians:

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

Yikings (0-3) at Cheaps (0-3)

Ah, remember the good old days? Back when the Cheaps won something, and the Yikes…well, never mind. There are no good old days for the Yikings. Believe me, I KNOW. The Yikes bring their incredible 3 game Come From Ahead streak into Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, and it’s going to be tough loss to nail down. Why? The Cheaps, over their last 5 games, are averaging 8.8 points a game. They are LAST in the league in offense and defense. Until last week, the Cheaps hadn’t even scored in the second half.

So, pulling off a come from ahead is a TALL order for the Yikes, and most likely the streak will be broken. But not all is lost! The Cheaps did rally for 17 points last week, and didn’t nail down the loss until Matt Cassel hurled an INT late in the game. So, it could happen. And my brothers could ask me if I’ve written any songs lately, too.

The Yikes have won exactly ONCE in KC, in 1974. The Doormat wisdom: If you can’t hold a lead, don’t get one. The Yikes will be focused on maintaining the same level of play for the whole game, so to avoid pooping out in the 2^nd half yet again, they’ll pace themselves, and play like crap from the kickoff. In fact, they’ll play like crap on the bus coming down I-35. This should be decided by a field goal…in the second quarter. EDGE: YIKINGS

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Pansies (1-2) at Bears (1-2)

If the Bears can lose to Carolina, we’ll have to start recognizing them. We want to, but last year they made the playoffs (and looked like Doormat material in the final game). But this is the game. No more pussyfooting around. Pansy pass defense should make Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler look like Cam Newton, but it may not be enough. Pansies are really in danger of winning any game against another commie-pinko Parity Team. Cam Newton has not yet had a miracle finish game. Chances are… EDGE: BEARS

Falcons (1-2) at Seahags (1-2)

The Falcons can’t really have the same record as the Hags, right? Is that right?

That’ll change come Sunday. Lights out at Pork Link Field. EDGE: HAGS

COUNTDOWN TO UNEMPLOYMENT

Saints (2-1) at Gaguars (1-2)

Every year it looks like the Gags are finally going to fire Jack del Rio, and then the team wins a flurry of games at the end of the season, and his sorry ass stays in Jacksonville. Who else fires their starting quarterback just before the season 2 years in a row? Nobody. You Gaguar fans with shrines and voo-doo dolls and fervent prayers asking for release from this land of morale stomping, and really truly unimaginative offense, your luck is turning. The Saints are bringing you some serious ju-ju, monkey hands, and gris-gris, just for you. But you still are in the serious hunt for the Moldy Carpet. EDGE: GAGUARS

Floppers (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

Name the Miami coach. I dare you. Pretty soon you won’t have to. EDGE: FLOPPERS

THE REST OF THE PILE UP OF FUMBLING INEPTITUDE

Donkeys (1-2) at Packers (3-0)

Blowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwout of the Week. Denver fans, just pray that Tony Sparano (that’s his name!) keeps his job in Miami until at least Week VII. That’s your next shot at a victory. Clean your garage on Sunday, OK? EDGE: Donkeys

Deadskins (2-1) at Lambs (0-3)

The Lambs really are showing how it’s done. 8 years without a winning record is not something to be sniffed at. In fact, I’d stand back a couple yards. Averaging 1 touchdown and nearly 3 fumbles a game, the Lambs are scraping the bottom of the league in every catergory, except punts per game, a lowly 6.5. But the good old Bungle Axiom- A fumble is As Good as A Punt- applies here. Also, getting sacked 4 times a game ain’t chopped liver. Shockingly, the Deadskins are going to 3-1. EDGE: Lambs

Bills (3-0) at Bungles (1-2)

Uh-oh. The quagmire at Brown Pall Stadium looms at the Bills. “Don’t leave us,” the Bungles cry. The Bills better wear earplugs, because the siren song of the Moldy Carpet is very loud in Cincinnati. I’m not kidding on this, this game is the biggest test of the year for these guys. The Bungles’ defense is ranked 5^th, but they’ve played mediocrity incarnate so far this year, so the jury is…being selected for the various Bungles who are out on bond. EDGE: Bungles

Giants (2-1) at Crudinals (1-2)

The Giant come into We’re Not the University of Phoenix Cardinals stadium and pummel the Crud. The Crud have improved their situation. They have more TDs than INTs, less sacks, and have crept up to 27^th in the league in offense. The don’t give up a lot of points (but a TON of yardage), but look at their competition: Pansies, Deadskins, Seahags. They won’t beat anybody except a Doormat or maybe a commie-pinko Parity team. The Giants are not enough parity at this time. EDGE: CRUD

And finally on Monday night, another game of national embarrassment:

Dolts (0-3) at Bootineers (2-1)

Winning record aside, Boots QB Josh Freeman is still averaging more interceptions than TDs, so he’s not gone all winner on us yet. Kerry Collins has thrown only 1 interception. And that’s it for the superlatives! EDGE: DOLTS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!

NFL Week 4 Doormat Division Predictions

Yikings introduce new "on the knee"  formation

It's week 4 in the NFL and the basement denizens of the Doormat Division are still recovering from last week's epic displays of ineptitude and futility, not to mention the all-out head-first dives into the beer vat celebrating the exit of two teams from the basement: Buffalo and Detroit.

But now it's time for the Oracle from the Basement to speak again. We spin the frozen turkey and the headless neck points to these fateful scores. Gentlemen, make your predictions:

Pansie- 14
Care Bears- 10
(Yes, another mirage from last year, Chicago, will edge closer to the shadowy doorway to the basement. The surging Pansies just might push them down the steps)

Bills- 18
Bungles- 10

Titanics- 17
Brownies-13

Kittens- 36
Cowpies- 10

Yikings- 3
Cheeps- 0
(Stiff of the week)

Deadskins- 28
Lambs- 6

Ain'ts- 50
Gaguars-- 10

Giants- 18
Crudinals- 3

Patsiettes-21
Raydurz- 28

Buncos- 10
Packers- 36

Floppers- 10
Bolts- 18

Seahags-6
Falcons- 17

And that's how the turkey spins.....

The Doormat Division: Weak III Wrap Up and Disposal

WEEK III WRAP UP AND DROP KICK INTO THE NEXT STATE

Good morning, bleary eyed Doormat denizens. Things are coming into focus any second now, and though we have FIVE 0-3 teams driving their future and fans directly into a fetid ditch of football futility, today’s column is all about the guys leaving the club.

ADIOS Nils!!!!

Buffalo BILLS 34, Patsies 31

In a game they won’t soon forget in upstate New York, across Lake Erie, and throughout the Buffalo Universe (I’m sure that includes a stocking cap and a huge down parka), the Nils come from behind AGAIN, this time against eternal nemesis the New England Patriots. The last time the Nils beat the Pats, it was 1777. I’m sure it felt like it. How many times can you stand to watch Tom Terrific, who looks like he’s 9 feet tall back there, getting enough time to watch Lord of the Rings in the pocket while he handsomely arcs passes to gazelle-like receivers and all your women seem to be wearing their best push-up bras to the game? Huh? Little tired of that?? Not that you mind the fashion statement, but it's for the WRONG TEAM.

It’s different in Buffalo now. The fans, staring down the barrel of a 21-3 Pats lead, did not slump into their $9 beer and start fumbling in their coat pockets for whatever it was they snuck into the game. They kept rocking and screaming and the team didn’t let them down. Intercepting Brady FOUR TIMES in the second half, one for a TD, the Nils stage a furious rally, piling up 448 total yards and kicking the Pats off the field with a boot from Rian Lindell from 28 yards as time expired. The place went so nuts, the cops just lowered the goal posts FIRST, before anybody even got on the field!!

The Nils still have a pretty atrocious defense, folks, but BOY can they score. Just like the Doormat Division predicted, all those games they barely lost year, they should barely win this year. And they’re doing it. 3-0 and ATOP the AFC East, thanks in part to fellow ex-Doormat the Oakland Raiders stomping the New York Jets yesterday.

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Please, don’t come back for a while, okay? It’s kinda crowded down here.

ADIOS, KITTENS!!

Detroit Lions 26 Mini-ha-ha Yikings 23 (OT)

The Yikes did it again! Wow!!! In four years of Doormat coverage, no team has pulled off three legitimate Come From Ahead losses in a row. This time, the Yikes rolled some big blunts in the locker room at halftime, safely ahead 20-0. STUMBLING out of the tunnel in a cloud of smoke….all right, all right, I didn’t see any smoke. But, the Lions hadn’t beat the Yikes on their home turf since 1997..which sounds about right, because the Lions haven’t beaten anybody since 1997. I mean, we’ll be saying stuff like that all year if they keep winning. Whatever it is the Yikes are doing in the locker room at halftime, keep it up guys! You’ve got NFC Doormat Champion written all over you. The Moldy Carpet is pointing towards Minneapolis.

The Kittens rocket to 3-0, first time in 31 years, yup, and the Yikes plummet to 0-3. Two more games before the Yikes completely give up for the whole game, instead of just half. Not that it matters. Up next for the Yikes- the CHEAPS!! Doormat game of the week for Week IV.

GOODBYE KITTENS! Unless, of course, Stafford gets injured and the wheels come off immediately.

ADIOS RAYDURZ!!

Raydurz 34 Crop Duster Bi-Planes 24

That loss to Buffalo doesn’t look so bad now, do it? The Oakland Raiders get up off the mat, and take it to the NY Jets, basically running OVER the Jets with the best running back in the league, Darren McFadden, blowing through holes the Black Swan could navigate through. ARR!!!

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Pass the rum.

Okay, enough of these winners. Let’s get on the right side of losing here. There were at least 4 really stink-o games yesterday, but we’d better lead off with a Doormat powerhouse:

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK!

Lambs 7, Ravens 37

The Lambs were picked by many people to win the NFC Worst this year…including us (with a losing record, of course). The Lambs are not going quietly into the Doormat night people. 3 weeks, 3 losses, and this one looked really bad. Spotting the Ravens to a 30-0 lead, the Rams then scored a touchdown. Okay, good enough! The Rams put on a Punt Punt and Punt event for the 1^st quarter, getting in FIVE of them, which would average out to 20 for a game, and at the same time, moving the Ravens into a masterful lead of 21-0. Nobody throws a game better than the Lambs. I mean it. Shaking things up for the 2^nd quarter, the Lambs go for an interception, some more punts, and an array of penalties that would impress the Raiders. The Lambs are the team to beat- get in line, everyone- in the NFC.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

0-for-9ers 13, Bungles 8

Okay, this was my official Doormat coverage game, and it didn’t disappoint. Our first true Stiff of the year. Even the score is a tip-off. ONE TOUCHDOWN. 14 punts. A really stupid intentional safety by the Niners that gave the Bungles a shot to win the game, which they immediately shot down with a total bone-head cheap shot hit on the ensuing punt-off that took them out of Hail Mary range. It was that kind of game, with each team out-Darwin-ing the other one play after another. Penalties, fumbles, interceptions, and just plain shoddy SHODDY execution. This stuff doesn’t happen by accident, people. They just kept coming. The Bungles didn’t convert a 3^rd down until 12:00 in the 3^rd quarter. 1-10 on the game. The 0-fers didn’t get across midfield until the mid-point of the 3^rd quarter, and that’s because they started at their 42!! 0-fer QB Alex Smith was given exactly .000000000003 seconds to drop back and pass all day, and the miscommunication on the offensive line was Doormat All-Star. There was so much gesticulating, I thought they were going to break into “Hand Jive.” It was that kind of day.

Inept offense will out-bungle inept defense every time, and that’s how the Bungles pulled out the loss. After the 0-fers lone touchdown in the 4^th quarter, A.J. Dalton followed up on the next play with a perfect pass to 0-fer-9 cornerback Carlos Rogers. Game over.

One drive stands out: First and goal for the 0-fer-9ers. Offsides, Niners. Then, personal foul Bungles, automatic first down at the 3. Then, false start, Niners (something like 8 for the game). First down at the 8. Then, 3 crumbles by the O-line, and a field goal. Now that’s what I call RED ZONE conversion, Doormat style!!

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Floppers 16, Brownie-Bake-Sale 17

If you can lose in Cleveland, you are on your way. The Floppers are no longer under the radar in the Doormat. Keep an eye on these guys. They’ve got potential.

Cheaps 17, Chargers 20

Cheaps keep it going with narrow loss, but a loss all the same. 0-3 and maybe we should go shopping for some new wallpaper for the basement. That Pansy wallpaper isn’t going to last, I can tell.

Dolts 20, Steelers 23

Dolts also keep it close, and were, in fact, AHEAD in this game until the 4^th quarter, when the Steelers finally realized the Dolts would just give them the game, if they’d just ask. Losing in the final seconds on a field goal is how you end up at the bottom of the standings, but in FIRST in the Doormat. Dolts still perfect 0-3.

Donkeys 14, Titans 17

Donkey-Buncos may not be SUPER BAD, but they are trying. If you can keep your yardage under 250, you’ve got a fighting chance to lose. The defenses haven’t caught up to the offenses completely, but training camp is finally over in week III. Donkeys may not get 2 touchdowns again for a while.

Pansies 16, Gaguars 10

Walkfish called it. Pansies last best chance to win one before playing teams with playoff aspirations. Gaguars may be really bad. Pansies will be hard pressed to repeat as Doormat champs. Cam Newton just too much football player to succumb to the culture of losing. Insane team owner or not.

HAGS 13, Crudinals 10

If it wasn’t for the Bungles-Niners game, this is Stiff of the Week. Like we said, you just can’t lose them all in the NFC Worst. The Hags, faced with great field position most of the game, just couldn’t pull out the loss. After scoring their 1 touchdown in the 3^rd quarter, the Hags punt on their last 5 possessions, all to no avail. The Crud finish their scoring early in the second quarter, and barely even bother to get a first down the rest of the game. It’s the kind of game where, if you are at the stadium, you really don’t remember the entire second half, because, well, you were watching the seagulls, and other things that move.

THIS WEEK’S SUPER LOWS

Points: 7 Lambs

First downs: 12 Bears

Yards: 231 Donkeys

Rush: 13 Bears

Pass: 171 Cheaps (edging out the Donks by a yard)

3^rd down conv 1-10 Bungles

Sacks 5 multiple teams.

Punts 8 Pansies

Penalties 12 0-fer-9ers

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!

Doormat Division Week II Wrap Up and Disposal

WEEK II WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Kansas City Cheaps 3, Detroit Lions 48

Wow is right. How about them Cheaps? 3 fumbles! 3 interceptions! 1 field goal. 12 first downs. 2-11 on third down. No touchdowns! The Cheaps are back in a BIG way, ladies and gentlemen. In their last 4 games, dating back to last year, the Cheaps have been outscored 150-27. The Cheaps are terrible! The Cheaps are terrible! Weren’t they supposed to have a good defense? I think teams figured something out. Go ahead and throw bombs and go crazy because the Cheaps will not be scoring, whether your defense is on the field or not. Just put a ‘police line’ tape across the goal line, and they’ll leave it alone.

The Lions are officially ADIOS BRO CHA CHO’D out of the Doormat Division with this win. 411 total yards and an all-day party at the Kat Box. Of course, with 14 games still on the schedule, they’ve got 6 more victories to go before they can officially climb out of the muck. But if these guys stay healthy, they look good for 10 victories, not 10 losses. Think of all the hangovers at the Ford-Chevy-Chyrsler plants today. Don’t buy a car built in Detroit on September 19^th, 2011, okay? Just sayin’. But look in glove compartment….might be a little something extra in there.

BLOWOUT #2

Seahags 0, Steelers 24

Last year’s poster child for the Best Worst, or maybe that’s Worst Best, the Seahags are off to the bottom of the NFC Worst already at 0-2. It was an 8&8 day. 8 punts and 8 first downs. 5 sacks that probably looked like 80.

When you complete 20 passes but get only 133 yards out of it, that’s gotta be a healthy diet of the Brownie Bomb (rifle shot screen pass over head of WR standing stock still 3 yards behind line of scrimmage). WR either watches it go sailing, or makes incredible acrobatic catch and gets killed by 3 linebackers. I think the Seahags may be the WORST of the WORST in the NFC WORST this year. It’s gonna be fun watching Pete Carrol’s expressions slowly morphing into stoic resignation/disgust. How many weeks?

Relief may be on the way: The CRUD are coming to Seattle next week. It’s tough to lose them all in the NFC Worst.

COME FROM AHEAD

Yikings 20, Buccaneers 24

2 games, 2 come from ahead losses! The Minnesota Yikings show signs of heading for a record setting year, and I might just have to get the horned helmet out of the basement closet…which is actually where I type this on the Commodore 64. It’s on top of the monitor. I see it every day. But let’s dust it off and put it on the Zenith, where we can all appreciate what it stands for. Get an OK lead and then crack open a cold one and let the other guys just TRY AND CATCH UP. Whoops!

Leading 17-0 at halftime, the Yikings break out the champagne in the locker room, and run out of gas coming out of the tunnel before the 3^rd quarter even starts. Just think what this game plan is going to lead to with Detroit coming into town next week. Uh-Oh. Might be a good time for that trip to the Erik the Red Museum and Pillaging Center in Greenland.

Pansies 23, Packers 30

This one is not nearly so embarrassing, because, even with Captain Amercia there at QB for Carolina, it would have been incredible for the Pansies to upset the Pack. But, give credit where credit is due- Pansies were up 13-0, and then saw it slowly crumble away. Get used to it Cam- you’re going to see a lot of those for the next 2-3 years. Carolina hosts Jacksonville next week. They should win. I say SHOULD.

The Official Adios Bro Cha Chos Game

Raydurz 35 Nils 38

I could say the Raydurz have terrible defense, and I would be right. But the Nils are pretty much right there with them, so that produced a really fun game to watch. The Nils climb to 2-0, seriously endangering their Doormat cred. This was old school AFL football, including 2 teams whose uniforms haven’t changed in any significant way since 1961. Jumping ship from either of these teams in your Doormat Fantasy league would not be out of order….but all you need is a couple key injuries on offense for the Raydurz, and you’re in trouble. That defense is hysterically lame. Absolutely zero pressure on Fitzpatrick yesterday. He had a little table and tea things set up with Pooh and Tigger back there. Also, though the Raydurz cut their penalties in half, they were all exceedingly well timed and gave the Nils everything they needed in the second half. So, I give neither team the Official Adios, but the Nils have the upper hand TODAY.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB DOLTS!

Kerry Collins turns around avoids the coverage. Goal post is the other way, Kerry

Dolts 19, Brownies 27

You can’t lose to the Brownies at home and get away with it. We opened a 16oz PBR and drained it onto the ‘green’ carpet here in the basement last night, doing the Doormat Descent Dance in all it’s squishy glory in honor of the Indianapolis Dolts. 0-2 and headed straight to the bottom of the AFC. Peyton Manning….take your time. No hurry.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Deadskins 22, Crudinals 21.

Somebody had to win. Deadskins 2-0 and in first in NFC East. Good God.

Texans 23, Floppers 13

Floppers 0-2 and staying under the radar in the Doormat. Next week, huge test in Cleveland at the Brownie Bake Sale. If they can get by that one (0-3), and that’s a tall order, then they are a force to be reckoned with.

Donkeys 24, Bungles 22

Bungles are not turning the ball over. This had Come From Ahead loss written all over it for the Donks, but the Bungles were having none of that, and once they got within 2 points, it was puntfest. 7 for each team. Game over. Donkey-Bunco-Bonks 1-1. Bungles travel to Candlestink to take on the Niners next week.

TONIGHT: LAMBS vs. GIANTS (predicted Stiff of the Week).

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 0 Seahags

First downs: 8 Seahags

Total Yards: 164 Seahags

Rushing: 31 Seahags

Passing: 91 Gaguars

Sacked: 5 Seahags

Turnovers: 6 Cheaps

Penalties: 8/85 Raydurz

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAA That’s the View from the Basement!