DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK SIX WRAP-UP AND PUNTATHON

It's a Punt Eat Punt World

Every once in a great while, a team steps forward...I think it's two or three steps, and then you swing your leg...right?...and puts themselves into the Doormat Division record books.  Doing this despite their current record (3-3) does not diminish the accomplishment. In the case of the Tennessee Titans, the Basement really isn't that far away, ever. We only have to peel back one or two layers of wallpaper to get to our Titanics pattern.

TITANS 0, RAVEN-POES 21

It's not the 11 sacks, one off the NFL record, that is impressive, even though it's often a coach-sacking offense. It's not the 7 first downs. It's this: 9 Titans possessions, 9 Titans punts. We've been covering the Doormat Division for 8 years, and following the stats for a lot longer than that, and we have never seen every possession in a game end with a punt. No interception, no fumble (though Titanics QB Marcus Mariota tried), no 4th down failure (not even late in the game?).  

That takes skilled determination. The Titanics haven't crossed the goal line in 8 quarters, have lost two straight, and Titans coach Mike Vrabel was pretty verbal in the post-game press conference. Taking full credit for the incredible accomplishment, Vrabel said "you don't have time for any hangovers," clearly meaning they can't celebrate for too long, because they got some icebergs to go hit.  

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 6

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Arizona         1-5          82       139       -57
NY Giants     1-5         117      162       -45
*Santa Clara  1-4         118     146       -28

Atlanta          2-4         167      192       -25
Tampa Bay    2-3         141      173      -32
Detroit           2-3         125      137      -12

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Oakland        1-5         110      176       -66
Indy              1-5         152      180       -28
Buffalo         2-4          76        138      -62
Denver          2-4         120      154      -34
Cleveland     2-3-1       128     151      -23

*Santa Clara plays the Packers tonight

RAIDERS 3, SEAHAWKS 27

The Seahawks are not a great team. But the RAIDERS.  Every year, the NFL invites 4 teams out to London for a couple games, and it's never teams that might make the Super Bowl. If you're in London, you're a Doormat rep or you're auditioning to be. The Raiders passed the audition with damp moldy colors, something any Brit can appreciate. The only way to be the worst of the worst is confident totally wrong top-down leadership. 7 years into the (owner) Mark Davis era, the downward spiral, with one season of up, is starting to look like a whirlpool from which the pirate ship Raider Nation will not escape, and why should they? They've got a Moldy Carpet Trophy (the Doormat Division's highest award) to hoist at year's end. They can cart it out to Las Vegas, put the ol' Skull and Crossbones up in some dusty creosote tangled lot, get bit by a scorpion, put their pirate vessel in dry dock, stop showering and let that Moldy Carpet dry out, blowing its spores across the lonely desert.  

What're the odds?  

p.s.  You know, if Al Davis were alive, he'd look terrible, but he would have hired Colin Kaepernick as soon as he was available, if just to thumb his nose at all the other owners.  The NFL misses that. With two rookie tackles watching the world go by, they could really use someone who is already out on the edge by the time the pass rush gets to the backfield. Just sayin'.  

BROWNS 14, CHARGERS 38

The Brownies are keeping it real, 2-3-1, and back in our standings.  Noting that Browns QB Baker Mayfield likes to run around, the Chargers decided to help him out and turn it up to 'run for your life.'  5 sacks, two more interceptions, and a Brownie day at the yard, in Cleveland. The Browns defense shored up its run strategy, getting mowed for 246 rushing yards, and making Philip Rivers look like a level-headed cool cucumber. He's not really green, it's just this old TV.  The tubes come from Russia. Are they listening?

CARDINALS 17, VIKINGS 27

You know it's a tough news day when your worst team in the league is item #4, but what can you do?  It's not flashy, it's just brain-dead. Cardinals accomplish difficult task of making Kirk Cousins signing look good, for one day.

MIAMI 31, BEARS 28 OT

I know this is not a Doormat game, but last year it sure was. Another loony game in the NFL in 2018. And it's mostly ex-Doormats (attempting to leave) leading the charge.

COLTS 34, JETS 42

Like this one!  The Clots are 1-5, yet are averaging 25 points a game. But they're giving up 31, so it's one near miss, blown lead, futile comeback, after another.  They only punted twice!  

BUCS 29, FALCONS 34

Down...down....down... another pirate ship slowly sinks in the harbor.  3 losses in a row gets them back to a losing record, despite 512 yards of offense.  Jameis Winston, Ryan Fitzpatrick, who cares who's back there- just come close.  But, please, no cigars.  Although, the completely hilarious multi-fumble-lateral final play that 'almost' got in the end zone, you gotta give the Bucs some style points.  Big Doormat style points.

BILLS 13, TEXANS 20

12 first downs, 12 penalties, 11 pipers piping, 5 punts-a-punting, TWO -In-ter-cep-tionnnnns!

Bills interception machine QB Nathan Peterman got into the game (one INT for every 8.7 attempts. That's 63 in a season with 550 attempts), finishing off the game with a pick-six with 1:23 left. This came after the Bills had set up the Toxins at the 1-yard line with a pass interference call, but the Toxins refused to move in, kicking a tying field goal, hoping for an overtime loss or something.  But when you've got an interception wizard out on the field, a team just has to be patient with impatience.  Bills 2-4 and in the race.

GIANTS 13, PHILADEPHIA 34

Yes, Eli Manning is still playing football. 

JAGUARS 10, COWBOYS 40

Well!  It's like old Home Week.  The Jags turn back the clock for a day, 10 first downs, scrape up 204 yards of offense and sink back to 3-3.  Two blowout losses in a row, and they could easily lose 3 of the next 4 games.

Tonight!

49ers at Packers

Whiners should get to 1-5 with this one, but I think they may cover the 9-point spread (biggest of the weekend), as this may be their last gasp before giving in and playing out the string.  Packers are not what they once were, but the Whiners have no idea what 'were' is.

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the BASEMENT!!!!

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 4 WRAP UP!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK FOUR WRAP-UP

There is only ONE un-victorious team left, the illustrious Detroit Kittens, and tonight they have a chance to separate themselves from the rest of the NFL and reach 0-4.  They’re at Seattle, so things look good.  The Seahags haven’t been perfect, but the Lions have, so we’ll go with the Kitties pulling down an L and making it a thing of beauty.

And, in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s the Year of the Penalty.  Buffalo logged in yesterday with 17 for 135 yards the Jets with 14 for 163, though those were Imperial Yards.   That’s an insane amount of yardage and penalties.   The Jets won.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L         PF-PA

Kittens        0-3          56 – 83

Whiners     1-3           48 - 110

daBares     1-3           68 - 125

Boots         1-3           72 – 117

Aints          1-3           86 – 104

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Gaguars     1-3             62 – 107

Floppers    1-3             65 – 101

Brownies   1-3             85 -102

Cravens     1-3             93 - 104

Cheaps      1-3            100 -125

WEEK 4  WRAP UP

BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK

Texans 21, Falcons 48

It was 42-0 before the Falcons started choosing fans from the stands to play D.   The Toxins are rounding into shape, folks.  4 Turnovers, two returned for touchdowns.  Wow.

THE WILD FINISH

Jags 13, Colts 16 (OT)

There were a lot of close ones this week, teams pulling out last second losses in dire situations that could have ended in a demoralizing victory, but the Jags have no competition:  with the game tied with 6 seconds to go, placekicker Jason Myers sails one right- but WAIT the Colts called time out.  The Jags line up again and…Myers sails it again!  Overtime!  Then, the Jags got close enough for Myers to…hook one to the left.  Finally, out of options, the Colts kick a field goal themselves and just take the dingdong win.  Gags move into first place in the Doormat AFC.

Browns 27,  Chargers 30

The Chargers were game.  The Brownies actually scored points. But they pulled it off- a last second FG by the Blots keeps the Blank Helmet Dream moving.  Cleveland, you disappoint like nobody else.  And we love you for it.

DOORMAT EXHIBITION IN LONDON

Dolphins 14, Jets 27

I was worried when the Jags were not being sent back to represent the Doormat in London this year, but never fear, Florida has a surplus of talent in the Basement, and the Floppers delivered.  Pip pip!  Cheerio!  For he’s a jolly good punter!  Sadly, the Flops fired coach Philbin before he could even finish his fish and chips at Heathrow.  That’s no way to run a Doormat franchise..unless you are going to promote the guy all the players like on the coaching staff to run the team.  We’ll see.

DEATH MARCH SEASON

49ers 3,  Packers 17

After getting shelled two weeks in a row, this score at least looks close.  Don’t be fooled.  Though the 49er D played real football, the 49er offense is so bad that…they may not win another game.  I watched this one, and I don’t see how they will. The O-line can’t run block, can’t pass block, QB Kaepernick appears to have lost all his confidence, sailing balls out of bounds and scudding passes over the middle (‘scudding’ is bouncing the pass), visibly frustrated receivers, it’s all there.  48 points after 4 games is WAY OUT IN THE LEAD for lowest point total.   Not even Jacksonville can touch that, and that’s really really saying something. 

Also, Levi stadium really has a problem- there is nobody in the 50-yard line seats.  They call it the Red Hole (how charming), and it really looks weird when the cameras scan the seats.  It’s like a Division II college game being played there.  Oh, wait, I think I got it. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Raiders 20,  Bears 23

Coming into Chicago, riding a two game winning streak, the Raiders aren’t going to give up their Doormat Team of the Decade status easily.  They aren’t going to just hand it to daBares.  And they didn’t.  Kicking a FG with two seconds to go, daBears are forced to take the win, at home, when they could have effectively ended their season, and gone on a losing streak for the ages.  Tough luck, newbie. 

Bucs 23,  Panthers 37

Boots QB Jameis Winston gets it really going for TB with FOUR INTs – one a pick-six. 

Bucs toss in a fumble return for a Panther TD, and these guys look solid.  Only problem is their division has the Aints.  Says here the Aints win both of those.  Unless they already lost to them.  What do I know, I live in the basement with a broom closet for company.

Eagles  20,  Redskins 23

The wheels are coming off.  There is no spare.

Chiefs 21,  Bengals 36

7 Field goals by the Cheaps.  Good GOD.

THE WORST STATS FOR WEEK  4

Points:           3     49ers

First Downs:  8           49ers

Total Yards:  196         49ers

Passing:     96              Steelers

Rushing:   54               Texans 

Red Zone Failure:        0-whatever   Chiefs

Turnovers:  5               Bucs

Raspberry Turnovers (for TDs): 2      Bucs,  2  Texans

Punts:  8                      NYG

Penalties:  14/163        Jets   (9 teams had more than 80 yards in penalties. I have never seen that)

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

NFL WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PUNT INTO THE BLACK HOLE!!!

RRRRADIERS!  WHINERS!  JAGS AND TITANICS MOVE INTO 1ST!  VIKINGS TEETER ON RESPECTABILITY!  BROWNS SET TO RETURN TO BASEMENT!  NFC SOUTH CONTINUES MARCH TOWARDS...US!

Basement Duty

Sorry to be getting this out late, folks, but it took a looooong time to get out of the Black Hole and across the Raider parking lot yesterday after the game.  It was all serenity and love and...a lot of something else which we are nursing with the strongest coffee our outdoor grill can brew.  The basement is really really heating up, and that's not just because we finally got the other 1951 GE heater to stop shorting out.  Now that the beer-soaked carpet is a little less ooze-y, we can get down to business on the Commodore 64, and man did the Doormat Division have a great weekend.

RAIDERS 24,  SANTA CLARA 13
If you didn't see this, and you sure should have, the score is more like 41-3. The Battle of the Bay was all Raiders yesterday. Shedding their Doormat Division leading status, and instead coming out like the team that has a plan, the RRRRRaiders shellack the 49ers in the kind of humiliating beat-down only a team with Doormat aspirations can absorb.  The 49ers came out with guns blazing- QB Colin Kaepernick throws a strike to Raider DB Brandian Ross on the first play, and but for a brief feint at trying, after their only touchdown, Kaep dished up an array of over-thrown rockets and bullets into the dirt wrapped around a frantic performance in the pocket that looked for all the world like he's getting his play calls off his tattoos instead of the wrist wrap thing that for some bone head reason he still has to wear to know what's going on.   The Raider defense was flying around with brains in their helmets, unlike last week.

If there was any doubt about the 49er intentions yesterday, coach Harbaugh dispelled them by coming charging out of the tunnel with his team and....immediately running over to Raider Owner Mark Davis for a quick chat.  "Say, when do you want to talk contract for next season?"   I have never seen that.  Ever.

The Raider offensive line had no answer for the completely ineffective 49er D-line (hey, stop pushing!), and was forced to give QB Derek Carr enough time to age wine in the backfield. Once he popped the cork in the second quarter, Carr shredded the depleted bumbling 49er linebackers for solid gains the rest of the day.  The RRRaiders scored on consecutive possessions for the first time all season.  Carr looked- GREAT.  Really. Honest. Great job, Niners! Watching 300lb + tackle Donald Penn catch a TD pass and get a beer bath in the Black Hole was priceless...although I did pay for my ticket.

Seasoned Doormat readers know that if you give a Doormat extra time to prepare for a game, they'll really really blow it.  The Niners had 11 days to mangle whatever game plan they had, ignoring their running, scrambling and whatever else is left of their falling-on-deaf-ears coaching to deliver a must-lose stink bomb.  With the three games to go, against three teams they should get plastered by  (Seahawks, Chargers, Cardinals), the Whiners can wrap it all up at 7-9 and at least have Patio status here in the Basement.  What a season!  They've scored less TDs than the Raiders (23-24)!

The Raiders fall out of first and plummet to third, but only based on tie-breaker.  So, marvelous as the win was yesterday, they still have a solid chance of taking the Moldy Carpet.  After their last win, they brought in a 52-0 bomb, so, you know?

Here's this week's standings, and then let's run over the rest of the games with the snow plow-

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-11              237      348      -111

Washington     3-10              244      346      -102 

NY Giants        4-9               293      326      -33

Carolina          4-8-1            269     341       -72

New Orleans    5-8               333      359      -26

AFC             

Jacksonville     2-11            199      356      -157

Tennessee        2-11            220      374      -154

Oakland           2-11            200      350      -150           

NY Jets            2-11            214      349      -135

Cleveland*        7-6

*membership granted due to length of service and probable rest of season.

It's really pretty amazing that just 4 teams are handling all the losses for the entire AFC this year.

JAGUARS 13, TEXANS 27
The Gags play classic standard Doormat ball, scraping out a meager first-half lead (13-10), and then shut themselves out in the 2nd half.  Done and Done!   Jags are back in first the Doormat AFC.

TITANICS 7, GIANTS 36
The Titanics moved into a tie for first with the Jags and Raiders, and looked formidable doing it.  Going against the most implosive team in the NFL, the Titanics shrug off the Giants and their 7-game losing streak, and make it to 7 straight losses themselves. They staked the Giants to a 30-0 lead before Eli Manning did his usual pick-six or fumble/TD act, and the Titanics had to walk one in for a score.

JETS 24, VIKINGS 30 (OT)
It didn't come easy, but the Jets still pulled out the loss.  Former Viking WR receiver Percy Harvin nearly messed it all up, playing like the all-star he once was, but he exited with a sprained ankle in the 4th quarter and game momentum changed.  Despite Harvin's antics, the Jets kept it to one TD and FIVE Nick Folk field goals, keeping the loss attainable with just one dumb play, and once they got to overtime, they got it- a Vikes 89-yard TD pass for the win.  Vikings are a Parity team, now, hard to believe- but the Jets are tied for first in the logjam in the Doormat AFC.

BUCS 17, LIONS 34
It was close at halftime (17-10 Lions) but it was Doormat close. Bucs eat the post-game spread at the  half and come out like a team running in sand- Kat Box sand- for 26 total rushing yards.  Which is why the Kat Box is becoming a home-field advantage for the Kittens.  Bucs maintain one-game lead in Doormat NFC.

WASHINGTON 0, RAMS 24
Two shut-outs in row now for the Rams.  These guys better finish up with a winning record, because I'm not even allowing them on the Patio, even if they finish 7-9.  Much more deserving teams for that honor.  Deadskins QBs Colt McCoy and RGB III keep movin' on backward with seven sacks for an impressive -53 yards.  Toss in 3 turnovers and you will not lose to this team.  Forget it.  The Sunburns maintain pressure on Bucs for first in Doormat NFC.  They can still take the Moldy Carpet.  The mold is growing just for them.

BROWNS 24, COLTS 25
And the Johnny Timebomb era begins in Cleveland.  Browns almost win game, despite not scoring offensive touchdown.  And with Colts QB Andrew Luck doing his usual charity drives in the first half (two TDs for Brownie defense), the Blank Helmets were threatened with victory.  But, Brownie QB Bryan Hoyer has the footwork of a middling high-school QB, which he had on full display yesterday,  though I think Cleveland fans do a lot of avoidance therapy when the Browns have the ball. Did I just get a text?  Hoyer has danced himself to the bench.

SAINTS 10, PANTHERS 41
Just when you think someone is going to win 6 games in the NFC South, they throw you a curveball.  If Atlanta can lose tonight in Green Bay, just about a 100% chance,  there will be three games to play with only the faintest of faint glimmers that any of these teams can finish 8-8.  We're sticking to the 6-10 and they make it to the Super Bowl.  6-9-1 can even do it.  Absolutely pummeling the hapless Saints  in a physical mauling that has not been expected from the Pansies all year, Cam Newton and company pull the NFC South down one more notch and closer to glory.  I can't believe the determination and guts this division is showing to blow up the Super Bowl this season.

Something's GOTTA GIVE next week, folks- who can give the most?

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!