NFL WEEK 17 FINAL: DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!!!

2014 DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!

What a finish yesterday, Doormat fans.  We've got a straight-up tie for the MOLDY CARPET trophy, and looks like we're going to need a DOORMAT BOWL to decide the winner.  If we use our own system of tiebreakers, I guess the Titanics take it with the greater point differential, but I say we send these two teams to another far-flung hinterland to duke it out themselves!

The Tennessee Titanics wrapped up their season yesterday with a no-doubter from kick-off to the last ticks of the clock, while the Tampa Bay Buccaneers saw dangerously built a sizable half time lead, but came through all the same in the end to notch their 14th loss.  Hats off to Bucs coach Lovie Smith and Titanic coach Ken "Whizz" Whisenhunt for presiding over such masterful work.  No parity for THESE guys.  

AFC

TENNESSEE TITANICS (2-14)

NFC

TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS (2-14)

DOORMAT DIVISION FINAL STANDINGS WEEK 17

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF

x-Tampa Bay    2-14             277      410     -133

Washington      4-12              301      438     -137

Chicago            5-11             319      442     -123

NY Giants        6-10             380      400      -20

Atlanta             6-10              381      417      -36

St Louis            6-10             324      354      -30

AFC             

x-Tennessee     2-14            254       438     -184 

Oakland           3-13            253       452     -199 

Jacksonville     3-13            249       412     -163    

NY Jets            4-12            283       401     -118

Cleveland         7-9              2299     337     -38

Game of the Week:

BUCS 20,  SAINTS 23

I have to assume that the ghost of deceased Bucs owner Malcom Glazer, complete with football helmets linked together in a chain, appeared before the Boots during half-time in the locker room and set them straight on what the point of football present was- to lose the game so that football future would mean the #1 pick in the 2015 NFL draft.  Changed men- or at least reverting to form- the Bucs come out after halftime and cease scoring while guiding the Saints to 16 fourth-quarter points, nailing down the loss.  They threw in a gratuitous safety with a minute to go to put a little frosting on the season.  What a performance.  

CRUCIAL GAMES:

TITANS 10, COLTS 27

The Titans had to lose to win the Doormat AFC outright and have a shot at the Moldy Carpet.  It was no problem- QB Charlie Whitehurst goes 12-18 for 79 yards (50 net), the Sinkers get 9 first downs, they fumble 4 times, and just boy howdy do they know how to lose a game, and lose it quickly.  

GIANTS 26, EAGLES 34

It was close for a while, they racked up 505 yards of offense...but they still lost!  The Giants make it to 10 losses in style, and are in the 10 Club for 2014.  

RAMS 6, THE ANNOYING SEAHAWKS 20

Another great halftime nap takes a 6-0 lead and flips it to 20-6, and the Lambs just make TEN big big losses on the season. Never ever count out the St. Louis Lambs in their quest to stay in the basement.

There is something special, also, about having your last 'scoring' play be a 49-yard pick-six for the opposition.  Savor it.

ATLANTA 3,  CAROLINA 34

 Speaking of special, how about coming into a game and having a shot at either winning your division and hosting a playoff game at 7-9, or finishing up your year with 10 losses and a winter of cheap beer and moldy carpeting in the Basement?  The Falcons had that shot, and they came roaring out of the gate with some of the finest Doormat play money can sign underperforming free agents for!  TWO pick-sixes, TWO.  It was 24-3 by halftime and the season was already over!  Failcons TOPPED the Lambs with their final pick-six- they pulled it off on the last play of the game.  Just WOW.  

This, by the by, sets up the Panthers as the Doormat entry into the playoffs at 7-8-1, and they host the Arizona Cardinals, a team that can't get out of its own way right now.  By God, the Panthers are going to win next week and advance to the 2nd round.  

CLEVELAND 10, BROWNS 20

It looked dicey for a minute there, with a third string QB in there and the Ravens playing like garbage men dancing the Nutcracker. But the Blank Helmets did it- they lost one more time, finishing 7-9 to end a season that saw them in first place at one point, and now dead last in the AFC North. 

RAIDERS 14, BRONCOS 47

The Raiders come within ONE point of having a -200 point differential, an almost un-heard of total even for Doormat teams.  So very very close.  Punter Marquette King clobbers 9 punts, and finishes the year with 109, only 5 shy of the all-time record, held by Punts McFooten of the Chicago Staleys in 1935.  Ok I made that up.

BEARS 9,  VIKINGS 13

They almost froze to death.  It took ONE touchdown to win this game, and the Bears handed it to the Vikes on a bomb from QB Terry Bridgewater for the Yikings.  The Yikes can't cash in and make it to 10 losses on the season.  Better luck next year, team!

FIRED:  Trestman, Ryan, Smith

Roll those head coaching heads!  Chicago sacks Marc Trestman,  the Jets fire Rex Ryan (and general manager John Idzik), and the Falcons ax Mike Smith.   Idzik is possibly the biggest boob of the bunch.

THE 10 CLUB

The 10 CLUB membership requires at least 10 losses on the season. 

The Browns miss the 10 club, ending their streak of 6 straight years.  

Buffalo also missed out (5 straight years) so here we go:

JACKSONVILLE   3-13   (four years in a row)

TAMPA BAY  2-14   (2 years in a row)

WASHINGTON  4-12 (2 years)

OAKLAND  3-13  (2 years)

ATLANTA  6-10  (2 years)

NY Jets  4-12

TENNESSEE 2-14  

NY GIANTS 6-10

ST. LOUIS  6-10

CHICAGO  5-11

OKAY I hear TEN teams knocking on the sliding door of the patio,  with their new membership cards in hand, I gotta stop typing and let them in, and tell them the rules for the Basement.  It's been another great ride this season, folks, I hope you enjoyed it.  We'll be back with some awards for the season later this week.

CHEERS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR from 

 THE BASEMENT!!

NFL WEEK 16 WRAP-UP and PLAYOFF MIRAGE

DOORMAT NFC SORTED- BUCS WIN THE NFC! BILLS OUT OF PLAYOFFS 16 YEARS AND COUNTING! BROWNS ARE BACK! NFC SOUTH BATTLE THIS WEEK! MY DOG HAS FLEAS!

PUNTING RECORD for RAIDERS! EXCLAMATION POINT! 

THE BIGGEST  FOOTBALL-LIKE THING TODAY:

BUCS win the DOORMAT NFC 

BUCCANEERS 3, PACKERS 20  

Obviously inspired by last week's Cleveland (Doormat Gods) Browns, the Tampa Bay Bootineers whip out a game of near poetry against the Packers-  6 first downs, 107 total yards (147 yards passing minus 7 sacks for 54 yards, plus 16 yards rushing).  54 yards in sacks means the QB runs backward in the face of the rush. They had more penalty yards- 30- than rushing yards.  That's a LOT of reverse gearing. They left no doubt- thanks to the Deadskins' non-loss to Philadephia- the Boots WIN the Doormat NFC with a week to spare!  In honor of this occasion, the Bucs will be wearing their throwback orange unis next week.  

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

x-Tampa Bay    2-13             257      387     -130

Washington     4-11              284      394     -110

Chicago          5-10              310      429     -119

NY Giants        6-9               354      366      -12

New Orleans    6-9               378      404      -26

AFC             

Tennessee        2-13            231       390    -159 

Oakland           3-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     3-12            211       376     -165    

NY Jets            3-12            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-8              276       300     -24

REDSKINKS/SUNBURNS/NATIVES 27, EAGLES 24

Benching your once-franchise quarterback for 3 weeks with a totally mediocre QB, and then putting your QB back in is not a formula for success in the Doormat- especially when Mark Sanchez is under rump for the opposition. RGB-three-p-o returns and torches the Eagles, while Sanchez continues his blaze of 14 turnovers in 7 games, and those aren't wasted turnovers, folks. Those are on-the-money game-killing turnovers. The result is the Deadskins lose out on their chance at being the worst team in the NFC, something they haven't done since...oh, that's right, LAST YEAR.

AFC LOGJAM

Despite the Tennessee Titans move into sole possession of the AFC Division in the Doormat, the Jets, Jags and Raiders still have a shot at the Moldy Carpet, and we're holding our breath until the full force of the bong hit lands in our- I mean UNTIL next week when all will be revealed...like smoke clearing from a hacking exhale.

RAIDERS 26, BUFFALO 24 

It is only fitting that the team with the second-longest playoff drought knocks the team with the longest playoff drought out of playoff contention. 16 years and counting for the the Nils, and the Raiders, of course, make it 13.*  The Silver and Blacked Out have won their last 3 home games, and who wouldn't with that crazed crowd bellerin' at the top of their lungs through 30,000 Halloween costumes and decidedly working class fervor. What a scene. The Raiders should not move. Raider QB Derek Carr looks like the real deal, and, despite still being in contention to win the Moldy Carpet, this team is playing with a lot of fire- when at home- and aren't behaving like a dysfunctional football team. They need to win next week at Denver (maybe they'll rest Peyton) and give a more deserving doormat a shot at the Moldy Carpet. Special note:  Raider punter Marquette King has 100 punts, the Raider record. He'll need 14 more to tie the NFL record, which is imposs-  let's just see what happens next week.

*see our previous post for longest playoff droughts.  None of the teams on the list will make the playoffs this year.

JAGS 21, TITANS 13

The Jags can't stay with the Titans, and they know it.  They'd probably clobber the Bucs, as well.  The London Jaguars can still win it, though, as these teams have split their season series, and the tie-breaker is point differential.  Titans play the Colts next week- Colts tend to clobber bad teams and lose huge to good teams (see yesterday), and the Jags travel to Houston, who only need to win and the entire league to lose next week in order to make the playoffs.

BROWNS 13, CAROLINA 17

The Panthers, led by mostly disassembled Cam Newton, shove the Blank Helmets into the Basement, and we're LOVING it.  Was it only 7 weeks ago the Brownies were 6-3, had just defeated the Bengals and were living large at the top of the AFC North-Central-Mid-muckluck?  It was!  They've gone 1-5 since, slowly dismantling into dysfunction and next week at Baltimore should wrap up this disaster of a season at 7-9. We make room on the orange couch for this grand Patriarch, who can regale the rest of the acolytes in the Basement for the whole winter.  Cozy up to our crummy space heater, Brownie fans- next year Johnny Party-Down will be leading the Blank-ness into the blizzard. Chew on that dog bone, Dawg Pound.

JETS 16, PATRIOTS 17

The Nyets made it close, and that's close enough. Rex Ryan should be fired- I mean, just because he's never had a good QB in his entire coaching career should not factor into this. Now that the Raiders have found a QB (which they had not done through the draft since the 19th century), it's the Jets that lead the way with disastrous draft choices at the position. Next week's loss: at Miami. Good God, they might win that game- you can bet all of New York is rooting for the faceplant and a shot at Marcus Mariota...who kinda fits their model for draft choices, though a better version. Scary pick for the Jets.

DA BARES 14, DETROIT 21

Chicago at least ties with Cleveland for best 2nd half of season tank job, and wins for team dysfunction. The leaked coaching staff comments about QB Jay Cutler are the tip of the iceberg.  They can only finish 5-11, but considering they were 3-3 at one point, I say Job Well Done!

VIKINGS 35, MIAMI 37

4th down.  Just over a minute to go.  Tie game.  You have to punt from your own end zone.  How about just hiking the ball in the dirt, and the punter gets the boot blocked out of the end zone for a safety?  Game over!  The Yikes may be a disappointment here in the basement, but they can still make the 10 Club with a loss..but here come Da Bares to what I hope is just a total freezer of a game at the Golden Gopher Hole. Yikes will have to go all out to lose that one.  I kinda doubt it.  

KANSAS CITY 12, PITTSBURGH 20

Ok, the Cheaps still have a winning record, but Alex Smith STILL hasn't thrown a TD pass to a wide receiver all season.  And they just look like the most boring team on earth. 

49-WHINERS 35, CHARGERS 38 (OT)

Exploding out to a 28-7 first half lead, the Kings of the 2nd Half Collapse do their biggest stinker of the year, and the Chargers are alive in the playoff hunt.  Man, those halftime sessions have just got to be the best Doormat speeches ever devised by people pretending to be people, and delivering a message of platitudinous tune-out to people they almost think of as people.

RAH RAH RAH BLAH BLAH!!

Also, 49ers win, by a humongous margin, for worst expensive seat fans.  They call it the Red Hole, because there is nobody there, and it is at the 50 yard line on both sides of the field, and they're all underground in the lounge, sitting on plush seats and discussing stock margins and feeding on the little people.  What a dump.

NFC SOUTH

Carolina vs. Atlanta for all the marbles this week.  7-8-1 or 7-9, win a Division and host a playoff game.  Doormat Glory!   

ONE MORE WEEK TO GO TO THE FINISH LINE FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!!!

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!