WEEK NINE WRAP-UP and PEE-YEW TAKE THAT OUT TO THE GARBAGE

BLANKING OUT

Cleveland, city of light...city of magic.   Cleveland, city of light, you're calling me.  Cleveland, even now I can remember, the Cuyahoga River, goes smoking through my dreams- (Randy Newman). 

You know, that's starting to sound like good times.  Could things get any worse over there in the land of NO LOGOS?  Wearing emptiness like a badge, the Cleveland Browns can now express the true Zen in losing, because, by whimpering-beer-bloated Browns Fan, they have meditated on it until their navals starting popping our little Brownie guys.

BROWNS -10, BENGALS 31

Yeah, I know that was way back on Thursday.  So sue me.  You'll get the Kaypro I'm typing on, a roll orange of duct tape, and what I think is a dog. The Browns are now 2-7, and have taken over the lead in the Doormat AFC, muscling their broad-shouldered way (you know, like broads in the '80's) to Johnny Manziel's cooler.  We just have to hope they don't fire anybody.  Stay the course. 

Next loss: The Steelers, in Pittsburgh.  

TITANS 34, SAINTS 28 (OT)

Here's a perfect example, the Titans, who blew out the Bucs in game 1 this season, and then ran off six towering failures in a row, fire their proven Doormat coach (Ken "Whizzy" Whisenhunt), and all of a sudden the front line starts blocking. Titans QB Marcus Mariota gets all day to throw (thank you, NOLA), and pulls out an overtime win.  Titans now trail Brownies by a game in the loss column- the only column that counts.

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 9

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-7           125 - 149
Cowboys    2-6            160 - 204 
daBares       2-5           140 - 202

Whiners      3-6           126 - 133  

Bootineers   3-5          181 - 231

Deadskins   3-5           158 - 195

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA
Browns      2-7            177 - 247

Titanics      2-6            159 - 187

Chargers     2-6           191 - 227
Gaguars      2-6            170 - 235
Cravens      2-5            190 - 214

Toxins        3-5            174 - 205 

WHINERS 17, FALCONS 16

In another example of upsetting the apple cart, the 49ers bench Colin Kampervan Beethoven and Blaine Gabbert- yes that Blaine Gabbert- steps in and...the Niners scored a touchdown for the first time since the last piece of concrete was swept up at Candlestick.  Forced to play the Atlanta Falcons, they go wild and score TWO, leaving the Whiners with nowhere to go but the victory circle.  Does beating Atlanta count as a win against a team with a winning record?

COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 33 (OT)

It took everything they had, but they brought home the bacon bits.  2-6 and owners of a 6 game losing streak, tying the longest of the season. Good God, they're only a game behind the LIONS. Moo.

WASHINGTON FATS 10, PATRIOTS 27

Nothing special, just a workman-like loss, leaving gaps, blowing a coverage, a fumble here, an interception there, wait until the game is completely out of reach before scoring a touchdown- the doormat 'moral victory,'  and then hit the after-game spread.  

BUCS 18, GIANTS 32

I'm sorry, it's not six field goals.  My hopes got pretty high, there, but NO. Three lost fumbles really helps, though, so the Bootineers still get a gold star.

TONIGHT: 

 Chicago (2-5)  vs. San Diego (2-6)

It should be sputendous. We will be serving the fritos, mayo and flat beer at 6:00.  

aaaaAAAAnd THAT'S the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!!

WEEK EIGHT WRAP-UP and LOWER INTO THE THAMES!!

Back On Top Like they Never Left!  

The Basement is full of mangy, torn-up, tattered cats today, as the Detroit Felines have unchallenged supremacy of the Doormat.  We can't do anything about this, except put out bowls of Kitty Krak Kibble, and wait for a challenger to unseat them.  Fat chance!  
Elsewhere, the San Diego Cringers (I'm searching for a name here) are suddenly contenders, the Titanics look unstoppable, and the 49ers may be Detroit's only obstacle to Moldy Carpet Glory.  

Kitty Krak Kibble, and I don't care, Kitty Krak Kibble and I don't care....

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-7           125 - 149

Whiners      2-6           109 - 207  (almost 100 point diffo)
daBares       2-5           140 - 202

Bootineers   3-4           163 - 199

Deadskins   3-4           148 – 168

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      1-6            125 - 159

Chargers     2-6           191 - 227
Cravens      2-5            190 - 214

Gaguars      2-5            147 - 207

Toxins        3-5            174 - 205 

THE GAMES

Blowouts of the Week

LIONS 10, CHIEFS 45

The Kitten defense turns back the clock in London for Chiefs QB Alex Smith, WAY MORE THAN AN HOUR, and I could've sworn it was Utah blowing out Wyoming in 2004.  The dude rushed for 78 yards, and probably could've gotten 50 more. He looked fast. Somebody is SLOW.  The team that can't score in the Red Zone had NO problem against the Kitties.  On the other side of the stench, the Lions offensive line lies down like 11 fat cats stretched out in a sunbeam on the carpet at that cat lady's house down the street and QB Matt "Punching Bag" Stafford hits the "dirt" 6 more times- he's well on his way to never being the same again.  Lions only real threat here are the Forty-Whiners, who, by God, are right on the Kittens fuzzy little tails.  

NINERS 6,  RAMS 27

How you call this a blowout and yet have 18 punts, I'm not sure, but any game with the Niners is a blowout, even if the score is 14-3.  I'm sure the Rams were aiming to pitch a shutout here, so they're probably chewing each other out today in the meeting room.  How the Niners even get a field goal these days is beyond me (ed: they are burdened with a great kicker).  This team is a serious challenge to the beloved Lions.  11 first downs! 189 total yards! 10 punts!  3-17 on third down.  How do you even DO that?  It helps that the Rams punted 8 times themselves, so the Whiners got plenty of opportunity to display just how hapless, and how hard they've worked on this, they are.  Gold Stars all around for the Bumblers by the Bay.

CAN YOU FEEL IT BUILDING??

KITTENS vs. WHINERS

DEC. 27TH AT THE KAT BOXX!!!!

Be there.  Or be someplace else.  

CLOSE SHAVING!!

Four games were decided at the last second yesterday, the Doormat was there for most of it-

BEARS 20, VIKINGS 23

What do you do when you are up by 10 points, at home, with 4:55 left in the game?  You find a way.  As they say in Detroit "there's still time to lose."  And daBares direct some superb Prevent-the-win defense, given up an immediate 40-yard touchdown, go 3-and-out, give up another long pass, and cap it with a 36-yard field goal from the Vikes with 00:00 on the clock. Even the Lions beat this team.  You know?  Good luck losing to daBares.  2-5 and headed for 10 losses, NO PROBLEM.

CHARGERS 26, RAVENS 29  (OT)

Lose big, lose small, what's the difference?  After getting blown out by Oakland last week, the Bolts (Blots?) lose this one in overtime to the team that loves to lose the close ones. Shrugging off the chance to beat a team looking for a loss, the Chargettes (Cringers? help me out, here) are now 2-6 and in the thick of the AFC race.  They were 2-2 at one point and looking dangerous.  They're dangerous all right- to themselves.  Flame On!! FLAME OUT!!!

BUCS 23, FALCONS 20 (OT)

Don't look now- well, maybe you should- the Bootineers are 3-4 and clearly toying with Parity Division status.  Winning on a field goal in OT- but not the last play of the game- the Bucs tried mightily to blow another big lead (17), but the Falcons were just too much, with 4 turnovers and 11 penalties for 124 yards.  Kill that offense.  Kill it.  

BROWNS 20,  CARDINALS 34

The Blank Helmets were up 20-7 in the first half, with the Cardinals fumble onslaught (3 of them) placing the Brownies in a difficult scenario- a big lead. But that's what first halves are for- false hope. And that's good enough for Cleveland!  Half-time! Everybody go home! Do not turn on your radios. 

Do not look at your smartphone.  It'll spoil your drive home.

TITANS 6, TEXANS 20

Let's face it.  If you can't keep your point total under 6, you won't lose to the Titanics.  Titanics Coach Ken "Whiz-bang" Whisenhunt still has his job.  Coincidence, or Moldy Carpet PLOT?

COWBOYS 12, SEAHAGS 13

The Seahags may be struggling, but the Cowboys have your number.  QB Matt Cassel is in charge- 'nuff said.  5 straight losses since Tony Romo went out, and 4 more weeks to go.  It's getting darker earlier in Dallas, like at 9am.   

EXITING THE BASEMENT

Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos?

RRRRRRRAIDERS!!

Standing this morning at 4-3, the Oakland Raiders have gone over .500 for the first time since Quincy Jones was President.  I really can't even remember and why bother to look it up?  The Worst Team of the Decade looks like they won't be coming back this year.  It could still happen, you never know.  But two games in a row where they scored at will and didn't stop until they had over 30 points, and you think maybe this is different. They sure are having fun. We have to celebrate our miserable teams when they finally get the hell out of this pile of cheap beer and burnt coffee and duct tape and dial-up modems.  Good Luck, old friend.  You still have the best uniforms in the biz.  Which is, I guess, why you never ever change them even slightly.

aaaaAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

NFL WEEK 17 FINAL: DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!!!

2014 DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!

What a finish yesterday, Doormat fans.  We've got a straight-up tie for the MOLDY CARPET trophy, and looks like we're going to need a DOORMAT BOWL to decide the winner.  If we use our own system of tiebreakers, I guess the Titanics take it with the greater point differential, but I say we send these two teams to another far-flung hinterland to duke it out themselves!

The Tennessee Titanics wrapped up their season yesterday with a no-doubter from kick-off to the last ticks of the clock, while the Tampa Bay Buccaneers saw dangerously built a sizable half time lead, but came through all the same in the end to notch their 14th loss.  Hats off to Bucs coach Lovie Smith and Titanic coach Ken "Whizz" Whisenhunt for presiding over such masterful work.  No parity for THESE guys.  

AFC

TENNESSEE TITANICS (2-14)

NFC

TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS (2-14)

DOORMAT DIVISION FINAL STANDINGS WEEK 17

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF

x-Tampa Bay    2-14             277      410     -133

Washington      4-12              301      438     -137

Chicago            5-11             319      442     -123

NY Giants        6-10             380      400      -20

Atlanta             6-10              381      417      -36

St Louis            6-10             324      354      -30

AFC             

x-Tennessee     2-14            254       438     -184 

Oakland           3-13            253       452     -199 

Jacksonville     3-13            249       412     -163    

NY Jets            4-12            283       401     -118

Cleveland         7-9              2299     337     -38

Game of the Week:

BUCS 20,  SAINTS 23

I have to assume that the ghost of deceased Bucs owner Malcom Glazer, complete with football helmets linked together in a chain, appeared before the Boots during half-time in the locker room and set them straight on what the point of football present was- to lose the game so that football future would mean the #1 pick in the 2015 NFL draft.  Changed men- or at least reverting to form- the Bucs come out after halftime and cease scoring while guiding the Saints to 16 fourth-quarter points, nailing down the loss.  They threw in a gratuitous safety with a minute to go to put a little frosting on the season.  What a performance.  

CRUCIAL GAMES:

TITANS 10, COLTS 27

The Titans had to lose to win the Doormat AFC outright and have a shot at the Moldy Carpet.  It was no problem- QB Charlie Whitehurst goes 12-18 for 79 yards (50 net), the Sinkers get 9 first downs, they fumble 4 times, and just boy howdy do they know how to lose a game, and lose it quickly.  

GIANTS 26, EAGLES 34

It was close for a while, they racked up 505 yards of offense...but they still lost!  The Giants make it to 10 losses in style, and are in the 10 Club for 2014.  

RAMS 6, THE ANNOYING SEAHAWKS 20

Another great halftime nap takes a 6-0 lead and flips it to 20-6, and the Lambs just make TEN big big losses on the season. Never ever count out the St. Louis Lambs in their quest to stay in the basement.

There is something special, also, about having your last 'scoring' play be a 49-yard pick-six for the opposition.  Savor it.

ATLANTA 3,  CAROLINA 34

 Speaking of special, how about coming into a game and having a shot at either winning your division and hosting a playoff game at 7-9, or finishing up your year with 10 losses and a winter of cheap beer and moldy carpeting in the Basement?  The Falcons had that shot, and they came roaring out of the gate with some of the finest Doormat play money can sign underperforming free agents for!  TWO pick-sixes, TWO.  It was 24-3 by halftime and the season was already over!  Failcons TOPPED the Lambs with their final pick-six- they pulled it off on the last play of the game.  Just WOW.  

This, by the by, sets up the Panthers as the Doormat entry into the playoffs at 7-8-1, and they host the Arizona Cardinals, a team that can't get out of its own way right now.  By God, the Panthers are going to win next week and advance to the 2nd round.  

CLEVELAND 10, BROWNS 20

It looked dicey for a minute there, with a third string QB in there and the Ravens playing like garbage men dancing the Nutcracker. But the Blank Helmets did it- they lost one more time, finishing 7-9 to end a season that saw them in first place at one point, and now dead last in the AFC North. 

RAIDERS 14, BRONCOS 47

The Raiders come within ONE point of having a -200 point differential, an almost un-heard of total even for Doormat teams.  So very very close.  Punter Marquette King clobbers 9 punts, and finishes the year with 109, only 5 shy of the all-time record, held by Punts McFooten of the Chicago Staleys in 1935.  Ok I made that up.

BEARS 9,  VIKINGS 13

They almost froze to death.  It took ONE touchdown to win this game, and the Bears handed it to the Vikes on a bomb from QB Terry Bridgewater for the Yikings.  The Yikes can't cash in and make it to 10 losses on the season.  Better luck next year, team!

FIRED:  Trestman, Ryan, Smith

Roll those head coaching heads!  Chicago sacks Marc Trestman,  the Jets fire Rex Ryan (and general manager John Idzik), and the Falcons ax Mike Smith.   Idzik is possibly the biggest boob of the bunch.

THE 10 CLUB

The 10 CLUB membership requires at least 10 losses on the season. 

The Browns miss the 10 club, ending their streak of 6 straight years.  

Buffalo also missed out (5 straight years) so here we go:

JACKSONVILLE   3-13   (four years in a row)

TAMPA BAY  2-14   (2 years in a row)

WASHINGTON  4-12 (2 years)

OAKLAND  3-13  (2 years)

ATLANTA  6-10  (2 years)

NY Jets  4-12

TENNESSEE 2-14  

NY GIANTS 6-10

ST. LOUIS  6-10

CHICAGO  5-11

OKAY I hear TEN teams knocking on the sliding door of the patio,  with their new membership cards in hand, I gotta stop typing and let them in, and tell them the rules for the Basement.  It's been another great ride this season, folks, I hope you enjoyed it.  We'll be back with some awards for the season later this week.

CHEERS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR from 

 THE BASEMENT!!