SeaHags Finish with Style, Panache, and a Slip-n-Slide

Chicago Bears 35, SeaHags 24

Matt Hasselbeck gets ready to throw one through Mike Williams

Finish Strong!

Putting on a Doormat performance only we can love, the Seattle SeaHags did the Doormat Division- and the NFC Worst- proud yesterday at Soldier Field.

They did it all- getting stuffed by a brick wall of a defensive line, somehow scraping out 34 yards of rushing offense, going 3-173 on 3rd down conversions, playing hi-larious pass defense, and coming up with THE MOST FUMBLE FINGERED performance of all time.

Special, special, special props to Seahags wide receiver Mike Williams, who must have dropped at least 12 (maybe it was 271) passes yesterday, more than half of Seattle's incomplete passes. I honestly have never seen somebody have a more fumble fingered game. Yes it was COLD out there, so I'll let a couple of rocks bounce off your hands....but almost every single one? Wow!

But let's not stop there- the Seattle defensive secondary got into the act, missing TWO golden opportunities to snag an INT early in the game, including a goal line gimme that probably would have gone 99 the other way, keeping the game close. Jay Cutler tried- he really did- to throw this game early. Once he saw what he was up against, he switched gears and went for the win.

To top it off, the Hags staged a classic Doormat Futile Comeback, hopelessly far behind at 28-0, the Hags score 21 points in the 4th quarter to finish seemingly close, 35-24. They never had a chance, so the pressure's off! Go nuts! Still lose!

Hags finish out the season TWO games under .500, 8-10, but into the second round of the playoffs. Watch out for these guys next year, there's no telling what kind of record they can get into the playoffs with. 6-10? They still made the TEN club. I'm just in AWE.

aaaAAAAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

DOOMAT DIVISION WEAK XIII PREVIEW

Doormat Division Weak XIII Preview

Well, I got the Hello Kitty Carolina Pansies wallpaper up and I must say it really does something for the place. It looks ridiculous and covers up the black mold. I guess it clashes slightly with the green shag carpet, but…at least, I think it’s green. It could be red.

Anyway, it’s a festive football atmosphere here in the Basement, and let’s get to what’s on everybody’s mind:

WILL THE NFC WORST MAKE IT THROUGH THIS WEEKEND??

Will we still have a division leader with a losing record????

It’s gonna be tough. How tough? Both Seattle and St. Louis should be .500 by Sunday night. I shay SHOULD.

0-4-9ers at Green Bay. The O-4ers (Oafers) have successfully worn out Frank Gore, and now Brian Westbrook brings his 1-concussion-left cranium to Lambeau field. Can the Niners resist handing him the ball 27 times? NO. Packers decide they are a great team in the middle of the game. 0-4ers don’t argue.

Packers 34, 0-4ers 13

Lambs at Crudinals

Yes, the Lambs, our reigning Doormat 2009 Champs, are leading a division with a losing record. Clearly, greatness does not go unrewarded. But, to lose this one, the Lambs will have to continue the dive-bomb they pulled in the 2^nd half of last week’s game- for the whole game. The Cruds limp into Sunday with a 6 game skid (NFL best), a frustrated quarterback they can’t bench (rookie Max Hall…how bad could he be?), and no answers. The good news in Arizona? Becca is the Cheerleader of the Week.

Lambs 21 Cruds 10

Pansies at Seahags

Another major challenge for the Hags. The Pansies, the cream of the Doormat 2010 season, bring into Seattle a precision-loss team that has had only one blemish all season (of course at the hands of an NFC Worst team, the 0-4-9ers), and shows no sign of slipping up. Hags will have to have a turnover fest, with at least 3 of them inside their own 15 and 1 returned for a TD, to have any chance of losing this game.

Hags 14 Pansies 9

So, we will have to hope for miracles (which happen all the time in the Basement), or just wait for next week, when the Lambs get the Saints and the Hags visit the 0-4ers.

It could STILL HAPPEN, keep the hope alive.

AROUND THE LEAGUE:

Bears at Kittens

The Detroit Kittens are going with Drew Stanton at QB just in time to get sacked 9 times by the Chicago Bears, who have become kinda scary. It’s gonna be a long day at the Cat Box. Stanton has played some this year, and showed excellent Doormat skills with 3 fumbles and an INT against the Giants. Kittens can’t win on the road…byt they can’t win at home either.

Nils at Yikings

The Yikes had their emotional recovery game last week, and that’s gonna be it.

Nils win. Did I really say that?

Brownies at Dolphins

I don’t say much about the Brownies, not like last year, but these guys are still the class of the league. I promise a closer in-depth look at this amazing franchise soon.

Brownies lose easily.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Saints at Bungles

It’s dangerous going into Bunglonia and not coming out with a bunch of fumbles and missed assignments stuck to you, but the Saints will somehow survive this tarpit. Avert your eyes.

Buncos at Cheaps! Raydurz at Chargers!

Another couple of old AFL matchups, and you really can’t say for sure what’s going to happen, but it’s not going to be good for the Bunks or the Raydurz, unless some gris-gris, ju-ju, lucky charms are being waved in that Gorilla mask at Raydur nation headquarters and the Bronco statue on the way to Denver airport.

Good luck teams! Uh, oh, the wallpaper is peeling already. Maybe that old UHU glue stick was a bit on the dry side after all.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK II PREVIEW

Doormat Division Weak II Preview!

EXXTRA EXXXXTRA EXXXXXXTRA BAD!!

There will be a lot of dust settling over the worst bunch of losers we’ve seen in some time this week, as we have THREE divisional head-to-head matches. We’ll know who the real Pansies are after this week.

Games of the Weak

St.Louis Lambs at Oakland Raydurz

Sam Bradford will not throw 50 passes because the The Silver and Blacked Out (it’s a home game, dude, thank you, NFL, for this merciful bounty) are having Stephen Jackson Day out at the Mt. Davis Stadium.

Anybody wearing a Stephen Jackson uniform that is also ON THE FIELD will be allowed into the secondary on any given play. The Lambs, on the other hand, will be eating grass all afternoon, especially Bradford, should he be fool enough to drop back behind whatever passes for a line on that ‘team.’ This week will answer the questions on everybody lips in Oakland: Will we go 2-14, or 4-12? Can we injure Sam Bradford?

LAMBS 21, Raydurz 4

Kansas City Cheaps attend Cleveland Brownie Bake Sale

Cheaps may not be the first team to use Incredible Downpour as their gameplan, but nobody’s done it better. Out at Slip n’ Slide Stadium, their offense scored because somebody slipped, the punt return was a Keystone Cops kind of deal, and the goal line stand at game’s end, well, you can’t call a STAND. So, if it’s not a complete deluge on Sunday, Brownies get Brownie points and get one in the win column.

If Cheaps win, I quit.

Brownies 17 Cheaps 0

BLOWOUT of THE WEAK

Saints at 0-and-Niners

This should be a beat down beyond all dimension. The 49ers are pointing fingers, all at the offensive coordinator, Mike Singletary has gone around biting reporters all week, sounding like a paranoid bully (great for team morale) and Alex Smith is still QB and he still doesn’t know which guys are his receivers. Give him another year, I’m sure he’ll come ‘round. He’ll need a year to come ‘round after tomorrow.

Saints 45 0-and-Niners 14

THE REST OF THE LOSERS

Kittens 0, Eagles 37

Kitttens host Philly: Michael Vick gets the start, Shaun Hill is taking the snaps for the Lions (which actually gives them a chance)…..Kittens are toast.

Gaguars 10, Chargers 37

Seahags 24 Broncos 23

I really have to change teams.

TampaBums 6, Pansies 13 Third intramural game of the week!!

This could be the STINKER OF THE WEEK. These teams are LAME. In fact, they both are switching to silver lame’ pants. Who are the Nils playing?

Nils 3, Packers 24

Nils do have a defense. In fact, they have so much defense that half the offense is defense. Pack shouldn’t get 45…but they might.

aaaaAAAND that's today's Weak II preview!