Cellar Division Weak X Semi-Final Wrap Up and Disposal

THE CELLAR DIVISON WEAK X SEMI-FINAL

“You Can’t Lead if You Don’t Lose”

Big changes in the Cellar this week, (welcome Seahags and Nils, goodbye Pansies and Floppers) folks, but first:

Raydurz 3 Cheaps 97

Okay, it was 16-10, but it should have been 97-3. This was bragging rights for Kings of the Bonehead Forest, and it was no contest. It didn’t matter how many points the Cheaps scored, because the Raiders were going to score less, NO MATTER WHAT. Somebody needs to tell Ja-miss-it Russell that “throwback day” has nothing to do with pass trajectory. This guy can’t throw straight. Period. And when he does, he receivers are so shocked, they drop the ball- 8 times yesterday. “OH, my god, there’s something coming RIGHT AT ME! Ow!” First round pick Darrius Heyward-Bey is trying to catch balls with his chest or his knee- oh, I see, the other futball. What Al Davis doesn’t know is that Heyward-Bey played in the Nerf Conference in college. San Francisco Chronicle writer Scott Ostler said it best: “If Haywerd-Bey and Russell were a trapeze act, everyone would be dead.” (find Mr. Ostler's excellent and funny columns at sfgate.com)

The Raiders are so dead in the water that Johnny Depp wouldn’t board their ship to get off the island. Hope Al Davis brought extra Depends™ yesterday ...I wonder if they have the Raider logo on them? Well, it’s all going in the dumpster and going to the island today, baby! But let’s not forget the Cheaps- a team that won despite converting only 1 of 15 third downs (league leaders in worst conversion rate), fumbled twice and really won on 1 play, Jamaal Charles’ 44 rumble on 4^th and 1. The Cheaps, by the way, lead the league in going for it on 4^th down, in most attempts (at least 18) AND conversions (over 60%). That’s desperate. It paid off yesterday.

I should be pulling for the Cheaps-to lose- their my team in the AFC, but the Raydurz deserve this fate in a way that almost no franchise does. Way to go Al! You’ve completely lost touch and lost control of your team by being the only one in control of your team! You are the Howard Hughes of football!!! I hope that’s beer in that jar.

AND, the Raydurz have a golden opportunity to move into first in the AFC (hard to believe they aren’t) because tonight the worst team in football (I really don’t know how they do it), the Brownies, take on the Ravens in the worst Monday night game for the season. The Ravens are coming off their Cellar-worthy stink-up against Cincinatti. However, the last time they met, the Ravens clocked the Brownies 34-3. Could be the BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK (the Oracle from the Basement thinks so).

OK on to the rest of the league and all the drama. First of all, no weekly awards yet, as the standard-setting Brownies have to weigh in with their tiny numbers.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK- so far

Buffalo Nils 17 Titanics 41 - This is the FIRST time a Cellar team is the winner in the blowout of the week, but the Nils move into the Cellar with excellent street cred (3-6 and falling), and by next week the Titanics will probably be OUT of the cellar. These guys, suspected posers all year, have finally put it in gear and look GOOD. But welcome to the club, Buffalo- your only ONE game out of 1^st already, so you’ve got a shot at the Moldy Carpet. You guys are terrible.

Lambs 23 Saints 28

The Lambs hold onto the NFC lead, by a hair (what a battle-3 teams at 1-8), losing late and still throwing bombs into the end zone as time expired. Really, I love the Saints, but you know, we started this league because some of these teams really are OUR teams, and I’d like to see at least one of us doormats rise up and clock the guys at the other end of tunnel- the one where the light and the fresh air are. This was the game, but I guess the Lambs are still the Lambs, even with Marc Bulger healthy and slingin’. Maybe next time, guys. Maybe not.

Kittens 10 Vikings 27

They’ve lost 12 straight at the Humphrey-Dome. They’ve lost 31 of 33, tied for worst stretch ever (Houston Oilers ‘82-84). They played tough for 3 quarters, and then...put it into reverse and stepped on it, as only a team from the Motor City can do!! And yet, they are only in second in the NFC, wedged between the Lambs and the…

Bootineers 23 Floppers 25

The Floppers get themselves kicked out of the league (for at least a week) for winning a game on the final possession- this may be the first time this year after being the poster child for Blown Games. Chad Henne is pulling these guys out of the swamp! Goodbye and good luck Floppers. See you next week, when you play a mediocre team, the Pansies, and most likely lose. The Bucs are still tied for first in the NFC, at 1-8. Keep up the complete ineptitude, men, don’t let anything get you up.

Deadskins 27 Broncos 17

Blowing yet another…wait a minute- is that right? The Deadskins WON?? We have an upset!! Holy Cow, the Deadskins beat a division leader, and I’m not talking about the Cellar. How could this happen? Well, the AFC West is the Poser Division because the Broncos get to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz twice each, so it almost doesn’t count. But don’t tell the city of Washington that. The ‘Skins racked up 388 yards, no turnovers, 2 penalties, knocked out the Broncos QB, and broke the 17 point barrier for the first time this season. OK OK OK you guys can have a Michelob.

Seahags 20 Cardinals 31

How do you get 29 first downs but score only 20 points and lose? You’re the Seahags!They’ve been trying to get into the Cellar all year, and we just can’t ignore them anymore. Welcome, guys, the donuts and beer are over there by the fake upholstered bar, and, just for you, we filled a cooler with chum out in the yard- you’ll have to fight the gulls for it.

BROWNIES and RAVENS tonight! Don’t Miss It!!

aaaaaaaAAAAAnd that’s the view from the Basement!