Number 9….number 9…..number IX……….
ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS!
Raiders 23 Cheaps 20 (ot)
The Black Hole is Silver and Blacked Out no more. There was a butt in every seat yesterday (though there was a lot of standing) as the Raydurz sold out the Coliseum for the first time in 478 games, dating back to last year’s opener. This is the first home game anybody’s seen on TV for a year and some change. Not that we WANTED to see any of the games, but hey. 27 penalties!!! And every single one on the Raiders a rip-off, man. The booooing was off the hook.
The Cheaps and the Raydurz have now BOTH officially exited the Basement, and the Raydurz have won THREE in a row. Raider rookie Jacoby Ford turns into a star, pulling in 148 yards of receiving yards and running back a kickoff for a TD. Who are these guys?? First it’s the Giants, now the Raydurz are winning, next the 49ers will….never mind.
So, get outta here, you Worst Team of the Decade, and take your gorilla mask with you! It’s a new decade, and you’ve got a legitimate shot at winning the AFC West. Doormat NO MORE. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of.
On to the Bumblefest:
BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK
Cowpies 7, Packers 45
We’ve got a FIRING!! Green Bay was ahead 28-0 before Dallas got word there was a game going on out on the field. The Poops cough up the ball 4 times, get sacked 4 times, barely clear 200 total yards, 12 first downs….As predicted, the Packers put a major hurt on the Team from the Ridiculous Stadium. Wade Phillips was pasteurized last night. Did you know the Cowpies, on their way from the locker room to the field, have to pass through the VIP lounge (safely cordoned off, of course). Perfect place to see what kind of cattle Jerry’s got on the hoof this year!! Losing doesn’t get any better than this. Mooo!!!
ANOTHER BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK
Seahags 7, NY GIANTS 41
Oh, it got dark EARLY in Seattle yesterday. Seahags turn in the Performance of the Weak for Week IX, amassing a stunning 8 first downs, and 162 total yards. 3 turnovers, 9 punts and a measly 17:26 possession time. That’s this year’s LOW. After getting pulverized by the Raydurz last week, the Hags lay down for the Giants to the tune of 487 yards. That’s 1032 yards for two weeks. The Hags take their Swiss Cheese “D” to Arizona next week. Enjoy, Phoenix!
If you’re a Seahag fan, this was the Stiff of the Weak. But not if you’re a Pansy fan.
YET ANOTHER BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK
Pansies 3, Saints 34
What’s a girl gotta do to get noticed around here? Lose by 50?? Well, I have a suggestion. From here on out, the leading terrible team of the Doormat division will NOT wear pink gloves to show solidarity for cancer research….why stop there? Let’s wear an All-Pink outfit. I actually nominate the Pansies, because the Nils are the best 0-8 team there has ever been. 2 turnovers, 4 sacks, 7 punts, 10 penalties. Oops! Ouch! Sorry! Excuse me!
The Rest of the Sorry Pile
Nils 19, Careless Bears 22
Crises and Suicide Prevention number for the greater Buffalo area: 716-834-3131
Kittens 20, Jets 23
A football analyst, or maybe it was just Chris Berman (why does he have a sidekick during The Blitz, or whatever it’s called? The guy never gets to say anything.) said “The Lions are the best 2-6 team in the NFL.” And, By God, they ARE. This is great news. Not only are they right in the thick of it for winning the Moldy Carpet, they are also, simultaneously, a really good team, but they STILL LOSE!!!! Abracadabra!!
Farvekings 27 Cardinals 24
Not much to say here, except Brett Favre looked down into our basement this week, and swallowed hard. And, during halftime yesterday, the memory of the sight of the tattered barcalounger and 4 gallons of flat beer with his name on it turned out to be quite a motivator. Dude saved a bunch of jobs yesterday! His included. Cardinals, by the way, blew the game.
DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING
Brownies 34, Pats 14
Brownies take it to the Pats in a major way, beating them in all phases of the game, including phase, flange, echo, reverb and, of course, resonating with your fans. Toot!
Colt McCoy, whose been trying to live up to his football name all his life (what if he played for the Broncos? Or the Colts?), makes smart decisions all day, and that’s two in a row for the Brownies (Saints, Pats), and they aren’t beating Doormats, ladies and gentlemen.
Lambs, 0-4-9ers, Buncos (Donkeys) all the week off. Waaaaaaaay off.
THIS WEEK’S LOWS
Points 3 Pansies
First Downs 8 Seahags
Total Yards 162 Seahags
Passing 68 Pansies
Rushing 39 Cowpies
Turnovers 4 Cowpies
Penalties 15-140 Raydurz (still bringing it!)
Time of Poss 17:26 Seahags (this is really hard to do, get under 20 minutes)
AaaAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!
Great post, Wacko. Best wrap of the year. Saw both the Cowpie and Raydurz games. Raydurz are officially doormat posers now.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree, Nils are best 0-8 team in history. They play well, and they play with heart and soul, and they still lose. Kittens are not that good, but getting there. They could be 5-4 with a few breaks here and there. They snatch defeat from victory time and again.
Where did you get the pink shirt photo? Jeez.
Pansies get my nod for worst team in the NFL, except maybe the Care Bears. How do they manage to keep winning? What is the deal? Did Blagojevich make a pact with the Devil or something?
I think that's a high school team. Pink and yellow!!
ReplyDeleteDitto on the Bears- but check out their SCHEDULE: Lions, Dallas, Packers (they won this one), Giants, Pansies, Seahags, Redskins, Nils.
Packers and Giants only two decent team in that pile.
Don't the Nils and Kittens play next week? That could be one of the best Doormat games
ReplyDeleteever...somebody HAS to win! They will probably need a record number of overtimes to settle it - "you take it", "no, you take it", "no, we insist it's yours", "no really, we couldn't."
Good grief, the Nils and Kittens DO. Also, if all goes right, next week the entire NFC west can have a losing record.
ReplyDeleteLambs vs. Niners if Niners win, Lambs 4-5, Niners 3-6
Hags vs. Cardinals- if Cardinals win, Cards 4-5, Hags, 4-5
what a division.
NFC West IS the Doormat Division.
ReplyDeleteAnd I resent their appropriation of our Division.
ReplyDeleteThe NFC Worst. When we used to win in a league like that, it was always said that we were the Best of the Worst. 8-8 might win that Dormation. Seems to me there ought to be a clause that says any Division winner has to have at least a 9-7 record, or they forfeit a play-off spot to a 10-6 team for another Wild Card.
ReplyDeleteI'm down with that. Now I understand what coach Single-minded means when he says the Niners can still make the playoffs.
ReplyDeleteYes, Single-minded is a shrewd strategist. Get into the worst division, wait for everyone to self destruct more than your team, and then win two at the end of the season to grab a spot in the playoffs. This could be a landmark year for the Doormat Division as a team under .500 could make the playoffs.
ReplyDeleteIf The NFC Worst actually accomplishes the all losing record mythical status, we must have a PBR collectively Sunday night (or bad beer of choice.) I actually like PBR - is that so wrong? Wait, I have a tall Keystone Ice Light in the fridge in Sisters. That'll do.
ReplyDeleteHey, I predict The Lambs will beat The Saints by the way. I think they play in a few weeks. It's just that kind of season.