The Doormat Division Week X Wrap-Up and Disposal

I had the shrine all ready for the event. The wee pile of plastic NFL helmets, in a cut-out boat made from a 42 ounce can of malt liquor, liberally doused in something flammable.

But it was not to be. The Lambs complied, losing to SF, but the Seahags clobber the rapidly disintegrating Cardinals, leaving one team with a winning record in the NFC Worst. It’s too bad, really, because it might have topped the Dracula vs. Frankenstein pyre me and Walkfish fired up on the back patio lo these many moons ago.

So what have we learned? What you really can’t do is create another Doormat Division out of the NFC Worst. I’m sorry, over here at the basement, we’ve got the best.

And, man, did they ever deliver yesterday.

GAME, and STIFF, OF THE WEAK

Futility Bowl (official designation)

Nils 14, Hello Kitties 12

NILS WIN! NILS WIN! NILS WIN! Okay, stop that. Yes, the Nils have won a game. It was clear in the last three weeks that they were not actually a Perfect Season caliber team, losing in the waning moments 3 weeks in a row. Sooner or later you are going to meet a team DETERMINED to out-Doormat you, and the Detroit Furballs have this down to a science. The Lions have developed a new kind of offense that is catching on around the league: amass over 300 yards passing, but go 5-19 on third down, effectively killing all drives. I see the drive now- start at your 15, connect on an exciting 35 yard pass, throw in a couple 8 yard dinks (51 total yds), then have 2 straight false starts and end up with a 3rd and 18, from which there is no escape. OK? Throw in two 3-and-outs. Lesse, 8 Kitten punts, factor in TWO 3 and outs….6 x 51= 306. Kitties ended up with 314 yards passing with NOTHING to show for it, except field goal attempts Toss in the 11 penalties and you get something significant: 25 Straight losses on the road, breaking the previous mark of 24 set by…the Detroit Lions (2001-03).

Nils counter with season’s first reported Three Stooges Play, 3 defensemen collide while trying to make interception on tipped ball, bang heads, and go sprawling while ball harmlessly falls to turf. Ding! Honk! Played in a soggy downpour, Buffalo cracks out the Fred Jackson show and finally gets out the basement….for a DAY.

"All this killing ourselves and making mistakes, it's almost juvenile," Lions receiver Nate Burleson said. "The mistakes are killing us, and today I really noticed it." Nate, you need to look up from your Gatorade a little more often. It’s been going on for 10 years.

Heisman Trophy Winner Bowl

0-4-9ers 23, Lambs 20 (OT)

0-4-9ers trot out same offense as Kittens, piling up 323 yards, but going 0-11 on Third down. You know, that has to be pretty hard to do. Lambs, not to be completely outdone, clock in at 2 for 14, and that’s with Sam “Third Down” Bradford chucking things up in the air. That takes precision screw-ups. Though there were no turnovers and some fun plays to watch, make no mistake, these two teams were dukin’ it out for who could out-doormat the other. 26 total penalties (season record is 27) for 240 yards. !!! Drive killers every time you look up from your beer that you’ve spilled on the autographed Joe Montana jersey worn by the cranky old bat in front of you. SF had TWO, count’ em, TWO touchdowns called back for penalties. And yet, and yet. They WON. The Lambs are still the Lambs, and they have a losing record. Lambs go 3 and out for the entire 4^th quarter, punting 10 times, just trying to GIVE the game to the Niners, but Niners are having none of it, maliciously punting right back and positioning the Lambs for a game tying FG as time expires.

Exhausted by the effort, the Lambs lie down on Candlestink with a quick 3 and out and let Joe Nedney kick the game-winner for the 0-4ers.

Wow.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Yikings 13, Bears 27

Ok, the Yikes really are officially bad. They aren’t coming back from this.

Bears still the worst team with a winning record. Check out their schedule sometime and you’ll see why.

Bungles 17, Colts 23

Bungles keeping it real with their usual turnover festival. Some of those INTs by Palmer were a good imitation of Derek Anderson. He’s been watching film. The difference is Anderson misses EVERYBODY.

Cardinals (what to call these guys?) 18, Seahags 36

Cardinals also employing Furball Offense. Anderson gets 286 yards, but team counters with 2-11 on third down, 5 sacks and 10 penalties, all false starts. At home.

Cheaps 29, Buncos 49

Buncos explode out of the cellar and start kicking the Cheaps into it. Anyone notice that the Cheaps are 2-4 in the last 6 games? Look familiar?? Raydurs tied for first, and that’s they way to play a bye week, baby. Al Davis’ smile is a rictus and they had to take him to ER last night.

Pansies 16, Bucs 31

Well, what a relief that the Pansies don’t have to explain how they really ARE worse than the Nils anymore. Sadly, they DID clear 100 points for the season, and they were so close to a 100 point differential there…oh wait, they got it.

Cowpies 33, Giants 20

Giants got overconfident, obviously. Playing really sloppy Doormat quality defense, Cowpies get a bunch of huge gains, getting only 15 first downs for the whole game.

Jerry Jones had to go and mess with the team chemistry just when they were getting it all working. We need a new owner down there in Dallas.

Brownies 20, Jets 26

We almost had a tie game. Or do they just keep playing nowadays? Mark Sanchez throws the game winner with 16 seconds left in OT. Brownies playing just good enough to lose.

This week’s Gleaming Spires of Pulchritude:

Points: 12- Lions (that’s the worst you can do?)

First downs- 12 Nils (and they won)

Yards 240 Yikings

Pass 124 Titans

Rush 51 Cheaps (they’re baaaaack!)

TO 5 Bungles

Penalties 12-135 Lambs/ 14-105 0-4-9ers

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!