A NEW DOORMAT AXIOM
“No Doormat team will ever win a Thursday night game after a Sunday victory.”
I think you can take that one to the bank. In fact, you can put it on a coffee mug.
Put it on this one:
This mug is perfect for the manly man who wishes to show his allegiance to his favorite sports team around the office. Big enough to hold a triple caramel machiatto with soy foam, this mugs says everything about YOU and your team.
Jacksonville Jaguars 14, Atlanta Falcons 41
I am extremely impressed by this score. Just 4 days after notching a 41-14 victory over the Tampa Bay Bootineers, the Gaguars reverse the numbers exactly, playing a mistake filled balloon popper of a game in Atlanta. Obviously taking their cue from Tampa Bay’s game plan from last Sunday, the Gags fumble the ball away 3 times, including the coveted Sack-Fumble-TD combination that eludes most teams, and salt away this Loss early in the second quarter. Gaguar QB Blaine Gabbert gets thrown to the turf all night in Atlanta, has -1 yards passing in the first half, the Gaguar offense gets over the 50 yard line only twice all night, and the Gags defense was still gassed from last Sunday’s after-party, which probably didn’t end until Monday sometime. After all, there’s no time to waste when it’s a short week- why sleep?
Thursday night football may be murder on everybody, but it’s a lock for a Doormat team and their precious losses. Gags make the “10” club with two games to go. Indianapolis looms in week 17 as their last obstacle to a 12 loss season.
WEEK 15 PREVIEW
Remember, the EDGE goes to the team with best chance to LOSE
Cleveland Browns (4-9) at University of Phoenix Cardinals (6-7)
The Crudinals still think it’s last year, like the Seahags, chasing the NFC Worst crown at 6-7, confident in their chances to win the division with a losing record. The 49ers are so far out in front that they are just a dot on the horizon. So, one must cut these guys some slack. After all, looking way downfield is not their strong suit. However, they got a good look at the 49ers last week, and beat their sorry asses.
This game has humongous Doormat importance here in the Basement, because, if you look at our fanstasy standings there on the homepage, Walkfish (Dolts-Cruds) and Jimbo (Lambs- Brownies) are tied for first place, and they each own one of these teams. This is it! So let’s get as low to the rug-burn as possible here:
Colt McCoy is still woozy from last week’s monster clocking, and back-up Elf Seneca Wallace is warming up right now! The Browns have absolutely no game on offense. It’s clinical and historic at this point. It’s been going on for years, now, and no amount of Chomps dinner cereal is going to alter that, even if the entire front office is eating their portions out of Chomps water bowls (which, amazingly, the Browns store DOES NOT OFFER). Seneca Wallace will be an improvement, because the Crudinals will be throwing the kitchen sink blitz at them all day. He won’t be able to see over the line, but that’s OK, because he’ll be running away from it the whole day. The only long drives remotely related to the Browns on Sunday is if you take these to the links with you
Things are so bad in Brownie land, that their official website’s big news this morning was the countdown to tickets going on sale for Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw concert at the Brownie Bake-Sale Stadium. Dawg Pound shame.
The Brownies have just about zero run defense, so look for Beanie Wells to get over 150 yards for the Crud, but expect John Skelton to get completely stuffed by the Browns pass defense, which is actually quite good (2nd in the league). Of course, part of that statistic is inflated because teams just don’t bother to throw and just run over them. This game should be an epic stiff.
EDGE: Brownies.
THE REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL
Tennessee Titans (7-6) at Indianapolis Colts (0-13)
Still just two perfect teams in this league. The Titans are just barely maintaining respectability, but they’ll get a lot of it in Indy on Sunday. Dolts will fight like crazy in this one, which may or may not be noticeable.
EDGE: DOLTS
New Orleans Saints (10-3) at Minnesota Vikings (2-11)
The Saints are about to pass the 49ers (the biggest playoff posers this year) for second seed in the NFC. The Yikings will host the event. The only question is- will the Yikes build a lead and blow it, or fall way behind and stage a futile comeback? Decisions, decisions. Saints tend to play down to Doormats the week after they beat another one…but last week they beat the Titans, so keep the heater on in the RV in the parking lot, descendants of Erik the Red. Pour another beer into your Viking horn and avert your eyes. It’s going to be a Doormat special delivery.
EDGE: Yikings by a very very wide margin
Cincinnati Bengals (7-6) at St. Louis Lambs (2-11)
Ever notice how I can’t type RAMS anymore, even when I’m supposed to? The Lambs, waaaay back there in the off-season, made the most shrewd, brilliant, classic Lamb maneuver (Lamb manure?) , hiring ex-Bronco head coach Josh McDaniels as offensive coordinator. Never mind that Mr. McDaniels’ only real credential was that he was the illegal video-tape guy for Patriots coach Bill Bellicose, which got him the job of running the Denver Broncos into the ditch, and turning Kyle Orton into a confused bench riding young QB. CLEARLY this is just the sort of man the Lambs were looking for to help develop Sam Bradford (who needs no introduction here in the Basement) , from a sensitive, eager competitor to a frustrated, battered bust. The Lamb staff was so confident in this combination that they didn’t bother to hire a QB coach, which makes them unique among the 32 teams in the league. The result? A league low 6 touchdown passes and a league leading 46 sacks, and a QB who undoubtedly tries to avoid eye contact when he sees McDaniels coming.
The Bengals, on the other hand, are wobbling towards the old home turf, our place, going 1-3 in the last 4 games (with the Brownies being the only victory). Carson Palmer may have taken a big chunk of Bunglonian fog with him to Oakland (13 INTs in 9 games), but the Bungles aren’t out of the woods yet. Lose this one and 7-9 doesn’t look impossible.
EDGE: LAMBS
Seattle Seahawks (6-7) at Chicago (7-6)
The Bears have been a Doormat guest ever since Jay Cutler went down. We’ll send some flowers over to Soldier Field. Seahags seemed to have figured out how to hand Marshawn Lynch the ball. It’s called a hand-off. The only real question regarding this game is: will there be a touchdown?
EDGE: I can’t believe I’m saying this- BEARS
NY JETS (8-5) at Philadelphia Eagles (5-8)
The Pheebles won in Miami last week. That’s enough of that.
EDGE: Pheebles
Dallas (7-6) at Tampa Bay (4-9)
This is the time of year that select teams just give up. 3 games to go, the season is hopeless, you just hope you don’t get injured and screw up your chances on the free agent market and get somewhere, anywhere, far from the pit. Tampa Bay has been tanking for 7 straight games, and though the Cowboys are no Packers (nyah-nyah-nya-nyah!!!), the Bootineers are in a league by themselves.
EDGE: Bootineers
Washington Redskins (4-9) at NY Giants (7-6)
Nobody is a lock to win in the NFC East. The Deadskins will make it close, and somebody is going to blow it at the last second. I’m going with Mike Shanahan’s outfit, they’ve had better results.
EDGE: Deadskins
Miami (4-9) at Buffalo (5-8)
Can Ryan Fitzpatrick rack up 3 more INTs? The man is on a roll. Floppers returned to horrific play last week. It’s gonna be ugly on the shores of Lake Erie.
EDGE: Floppers
Green Bay Packers (13-0) at Kansas City Chiefs (5-8)
Oh, dear. I thought there was some rule about these kind of games not being allowed.
Cheaps try their first game of freedom from Haley. It isn’t going to help.
EDGE by just a huge margin: CHEAPS
Carolina Panthers (4-9) at Houston Texans (10-3)
Cam Newton has the chance to become the first QB in NFL history to amass 4000 yards passing and 500 yards running. Add to this the very real possibility of making the “10” Club, and it’s drinks on the house in Basement.
EDGE: Pansies.
The Brownie golf balls are perfect. THe Cleveland gift shop must be like a combination of Escher and Dali with a sprinkling of dog pound.
ReplyDeleteNo way Seahags beat Bears.
I dunno- the Bears are having trouble getting first downs against anybody. The Seahawks are playing the best they have all year. It's going to be CLOSE.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand NFL team stores. They should all have the basic mug with a big team logo on it. How the Browns, with the Dawg Pound, don't have a dog water bowl...they need our help. The need Chomps.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Team Dyslexia and I think the Seahags have a private jet. So there will be (2) Touchdowns, one at O'Hare and another at old Boeing Field when they get beck home.
ReplyDeleteoh, SNAP!
ReplyDelete