DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL Week 14 Wrap-Up and Disposal!

I was over at a friend’s house recently, and noticed that he put virtually everything possible down the garbage disposal. He told me he’d even attempted corn husks and artichokes. I’d never seen an artichoke any where near him, and he admitted he’d gone out and bought an artichoke just to see if it would go down.

Well, there’s a LOT of things that won’t go down the garbage disposal, but they sure are in the dumpster out back today, staying fresh in the brisk winter air.

The trash is brimming with ex-coaches today, with Todd Haley and Tony Sparano joining the still well-preserved Jack del Rio on the pile out back. And, the effects have been, well, not immediate, but dramatic!

Jacksonville Jaguars 41 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 14

I’d like to say that the Gaguars have exploded out of the shackles that Jack del Rio held them in for the last 4 seasons, putting up 41 points for the first time since 2007. And it’s true- the Gags were pretty insane yesterday. But, that would be short-changing the Bootineers, and that just isn’t fair. Tampa did it all.

6 fumbles, 4 lost! 3 interceptions! After getting off to a shocking 14-0 lead, the Bootineers turn it up to blazing hot in Doormat play- unmatched by any team this year. WR Preston Parker, the man who fumbles more often than anybody else in this league, starts it off with a boot at his own 20, the ball rolls to the 8 and is scooped up by the Gaguars- TOUCHDOWN! Picking up on this cue, Josh Freeman (who has catapulted into the INT lead with 18) pulls the Sack-n-fumble-n-TOUCHDOWN just two possessions later. The Bootineers make Blain Gabbert look like Tom Brady, leaving guys so wide open that it appeared that there was confusion as to which field the game was being played on. Toss in 12 penalties for 97 yards and 4 free first downs, and you’ve got just about the best Doormat game of the season by a team that had a winning record just seven glaring losses ago. From 4-2 and talking trash to 4-9 and firmly in the trash and 3^rd place in the NFC Doormat Division. With dedication and focus you can accomplish anything.

Yes, that's Len Dawson's helmet.

Kansas City Cheaps 10, New York Jets 37

Not sure what the thinking was, picking the Cheaps to win this game. The Jets are fighting for their playoff lives. The Cheaps had only one thing to play for- getting Todd Haley fired. Mission accomplished. Maybe now they can install an offense.

Miami Dolphins 10, Philadephia Eagles 26

11 first downs, sacked 9 times, 3 turnovers, giftwrapped touchdowns. The Floppers return to stinker play against the most imploded team of the season, and get way under the bar with the kind of effort that gets your coach fired. Mission accomplished.

Andy Reid gets to hang around the post-game spread, though is limited to the carrot and broccoli plate. Eagles still get in 2 turnovers and 10 punts.

Denver Broncos 13, Chicago Bears 10 (OT)

The Broncos have a winning record now. 3 games over .500. Thank God I don’t have to write about them anymore. When is this going to stop?

Carolina Panthers 23, Atlanta Falcons 31

The Pansies rocket out to a 23-7 halftime lead, celebrate their victory in the locker room, and come out flat as a poacher’s throw rug and get waxed by the Falcons. Pansies join the 4-9 logjam for 3^rd in the NFC Doormat.

Washington Redskins 27, New England Patriots 34

Almost is good enough in the Basement. Hats off to the Deadskins for being part of Almost Upset Weekend, playing the Pats even for three quarters- and then pulling out the loss. Phew! 4-9 and right there for 3^rd place!

Buffalo Bills 10, San Diego Chargers 37

Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick continues the interception hijinks, checking in with 3 (16 on the season), and giving himself a shot at nabbing the INT crown for 2011 with just 3 games to go. At 5-8 the Nils are squarely back in the Basement, and have excellent chance to make it to 10 losses. Chargers have waited until too late to start playing with some discipline. Posers.

OKAY FINALLY Let’s Cover the PROS

Minnesota Vikings 28, Detroit Lions 34

They’ve dispensed with the Come From Ahead losses now. The Yikes go for the jugular in the first half, getting buried in the Kat Box 31-14 after two quarters. But wait! What’s this- a Futile Comeback? Yes! Trailing by only 6 points with 3:32 left in the game, the Yikings get all the way to the Detroit 2 with 9 seconds to go, and ….get sacked and fumble and blow the whole thing. Coming close is what makes a Doormat Champion and these guys still have a chance to win the NFC, standing low at 2-11.

St. Louis Lambs 13, Seattle Seahawks 30

But, the Yikings have the Lambs to contend with, and that’s a load. The Lambs score a late, pointless touchdown (taking around 23 plays from the 1, with a pass interference call, to score), wrecking their chances to get under 10 points a game. Something needs to be done about this, these late game garbage time touchdowns. I propose only getting 4 points for them. Lambs continue the big play defense, giving up two long kickoff returns. Go with what brought you here. Lambs going strong, 2-11 and with the Bengals, Steelers and 49ers on their schedule, they have the inside track to finish 2-14.

And Last, and most Mighty in the Doormat,

Indianapolis Colts 10, Baltimore Ravens 24

0-13. Three games to go. Can they make it? Titans next week! That final Jaguars game looking less scary now, now that Del Rio got thrown in the dumpster and the Gags are playing with fire. Dolts can’t run, can’t pass, and can’t play defense. They probably can’t make a decent cup of coffee. Probably that 'crayon coffee' that is lying in wait for you at midwestern diners. Piping hot and with at least 2 brown crayons!

NFL Week 14 Worst Stats

Points 3 Brownies

First downs 11 Floppers

Yards 167 Dolts

Rush 50 Dolts

Pass 117 Dolts

Turnovers 7 Bootineers

Sacked 9 Floppers

Punts 11 Bears (never seen somebody get 11 punts in two weeks in a row.)

Penalties 12-97 Bootineers

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!