DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 13 PREVIEW

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK THIRTEEN PREVIEW

Desperation Weekend is now in the rear-view mirror, but the fallout is still coming, like radioactive dandruff that glows in the dark. You know, I think there is a black-light somewhere down here in the basement. I’m gonna test that.

And the biggest batch of dandruff is the Jacksonville Jaguars, who went all the way- fired the coach and the owner sold the team! Now that’s what I call fed up! Without Del Rio at the helm, anything could happen in the last 5 games- including a victory. But don’t lose faith! The Gags could still run the table and lose them all. Couple this with the Colt’s decision to start Dan Orlovsky at QB this weekend, and who knows what we’ll be looking at in week 17 with the mammoth tilt between the Dolts and the Gaguars at EverEmpty Field- it could be for the Moldy Carpet and all that that implies.

So, hold onto your seats and kiss the playoffs goodbye, fans- it’s time for the Run to the Moldy Carpet!

TONIGHT:

Philadelphia Eagles (4-7) at Seattle Seahawks (4-7)

Geez, every time I turn around, the Pheebles are on Sunday, or Monday, or Thursday night football. Well, it IS fun to watch Michael Vick, or his clone, Vince Young, implode…or really any of their teammates. Andy Reid is still at the helm over there in Philly, so the mental lapses should just keep coming. But Pete Carroll, the man who sprinted to Seattle to hide in the clouds until the whole USC thing blew over, is dealing up in Mold City (thanks, Pete, for setting up the lame PAC-12 Championship game- Oregon vs UCLA, as the Bruins just fired their coach. How can you fire your coach and be in the champeenship? What is this, the Doormat Division??). I think the Pheebles have a bigger bomb up their sleeve this week.

EDGE: Pheebles

SUNDAY

Oakland Raiders (7-4) at Miami Dolphins (3-8)

The best lousy team in football against the Penalty Kings. The Floppers pretty much ended their chances at the Moldy Carpet after that blinding three game winning streak, but did come back with a last second loss last week, so don’t count them out yet.

EDGE: Floppers

St. Louis Rams (2-9) at San Francisco 49ers (9-2)

The 49ers may have forgotten how to score, and how to pass block, but this is the Lambs we’re talking about here. The “10” club is only a game away! Frank Gore, Kendall Hunter, and Ted Ginn will all get at least 1 big gainer. Lambs are the feel-good franchise…for everybody else.

EDGE: LAMBS

Kansas City Chiefs (4-7) at Chicago Bears (7-4)

The Bears lost in a hail of field goals last week (6 by Janikowski), but despite their QB problems, the Cheaps have all the aces: Tyler Palko gets the start, after his phenomenal 3 interceptions in 3 plays run in the first half last week. Kyle Orton represents the guy the fans are calling for. What a doormat spectacle that is.

EDGE: Cheaps

Denver Broncos (6-5) at Minnesota Vikings (2-9)

If the Yikings are really serious about taking the NFC Doormat trophy, and they’ve gotta be wondering what they have to do to get past the Lambs, this game is crucial. The leading rushing team in the league (Buncos) runs into the 9^th best rushing defense. Losing to the Broncos takes ingenuity, ineffectiveness, atrocious secondary play, and a real talent for blowing the game after taking the lead. Sounds like my Yikings! Look for Tebow to complete 3 huge passes , out of the 7 he will actually throw.

Also look for him to run right over the clown act that passes for a secondary for the Yikes. Another “10” club member this weekend.

EDGE: Yikings

Carolina Panthers (3-8) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)

The Pansies beat the Dolts last week for their first road win in 2 years. They just had no chance. The Bootineers are on a 5-game roll, and have been flying under the Doormat radar the whole time. Almost. QB Josh Campbell is proving, once again, that he can throw the killer interception at any time, and he’s got WR Preston Parker ready to fumble away any reception when the INT doesn’t materialize. Between these two guys, who needs anybody else to lose a game? Pansies in serious danger of winning two on the road.

EDGE: Buccanneers.

NY Jets (6-5) at Washington Redskins (4-7)

The Jets survived desperation weekend, and so did the Deadskins, getting completely deked by the Seahags up in Mold City. There is no chance the Deadskins will win two in a row.

EDGE: Deadskins

Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots

Dan Orlovsky starts for the Colts. This man, I’m sure, wants to be the guy that wins at least one game for the Dolts, because he started 7 for the 0-16 Lions in 2008. He has serious, serious motivation. It’s not going to help here, but I say he gets it done in week 17 against the Jags.

EDGE: Dolts

Baltimore Ravens (8-3) at Cleveland Browns (4-7)

The Ravens lived in the 49ers backfield last week. The Brownies will be holding an open house in their backfield on Sunday.

EDGE: BROWNIES

Detroit Lions (7-4) at New Orleans Saints (9-3)

Only one game difference between these two teams in the loss column, but they are oceans apart right now. The Kittens are going to struggle to win 8 games, with only the Yikings and Chargers giving them a shot. Knucklehead Suh is suspended for two games (Art Shell is ‘hearing’ his appeal today, good luck with that), Matt Stafford is throwing it up for grabs, and the Kittens get to watch the team they want to be walk all over them.

EDGE: Kittens.

Dallas Cowboys (7-4) at University of Phoenix (4-7)

Cowboys exited the basement weeks ago, are trying win 5 straight, or, at least, SOBER, and the Crudinals are...well the Crudinals. They've won 3 of the last 4, but those victories were: the Lambs twice and the Pheebles. The old pros and newly disintegrating. So, they can't compete topside, and they're faltering in the Doormat as well. It's a double edged sword, mediocrity. An extremely dull sword, but forged in the fires of a campfire ring outside a hogan in the Monument Valley! However, QB Kevin Kolb, who nobody mistakes for Aaron Rodgers, returns to the lineup and gives the frantic John Skelton a breather. RB Beenie Wells ran for 228 yards last week, but that was because he was running through a herd of sheep. The Cowboys will ride into camp and scatter what's left of the campfire. But probably fall off their horse and get dragged around a little bit.

EDGE: Crudinals, but just barely.

MONDAY NIGHT

San Diego Chargers (4-7) at Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8)

Another marquee Doormat game on MNF! Monday Night Doormat! It’s kind of amazing, really. Abandoned by their owner, mired in mediocrity, the Gaguars play host to the biggest whiners in the NFL, led by the whiniest guy I know, Philip Rivers. Gags have even shot to lose this, but Rivers is really really throwing more than passes, he’s throwing games.

EDGE: Charger-its

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!!!