The Doomat Division: UPSET WEEKEND!! NFL WEEK 15 Wrap-Up

Just before kickoff Sunday morning I had a revelation. Almost all the games on Sunday were between teams with a winning record and a losing record. There were only 2 doormat games on the schedule. It’s late in the season, teams are desperate in multiple categories. Perfect for upset weekend. But, it was too late to change my predictions, so I had to just sit back and wait for the scores to come in.

WOW. We have a lot of fun with our crummy teams here in the Doormat, but now’s our chance to say man do we love it when we kick some ass. Hats off and a celebratory bonfire of pizza boxes in the Weber this morning on the Basement Patio to our long-suffering, down-trodden, bastions of bumble-tude, the Doormat Division. Forever may they wave the white flag.

Look at all them all:

Chargers 34, Ravens 14

Pheebles 45, Jets 19

Pansies 28, Texans 13

Seahags 38, Bears 14

Deadskins 23, Giants 10

Cheaps 19, Packers 14 !!!!

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13 !!!!!!!!!

A-maz-ingly, the Chargers, Cheaps and Pheebles, after all their implosion, can still win their divisions and make the playoffs. The Cards and the Seahags can still make the playoffs. It will take a minor miracle, but I’m not ruling out anything in this wild finish coming up for the next two weeks. I mean, just look at the flop job the Raiders have pulled in the last 3 weeks. Oh, I’m getting dizzy looking up at the top of the standings.

OK, that’s enough of that. This is the land of the Moldy Carpet Trophy, and the whole things is officially up for grabs as of today. Here’s what the PROS did over the weekend:

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13

There are no perfect teams left in the NFL today, as the Indianapolis Colts, led by Mr. 0-16, Dan Orlovsky, pull a fast one of the Tennessee Titans. The last time the Colts won a game was 50 weeks ago, and their opponent was…the Titans. They need to work these guys onto the schedule a little more often. The Dolts still only got 10 first downs (not the WORST team this weekend), but capitalized on Titans turnovers, and finally, FINALLY, won a game. I knew Orlovsky was just NOT going to be a 2-Time 0-16 loser. He was their ace in the hole. Shoulda played him sooner.

HOWEVER, the Moldy Carpet is no done deal now, people!!! The Lambs AND the Yikings, who took it to the house on Sunday, are right there at 2-12, and the difference in points, our tiebreaker, is

Dolts -184 , Lambs -180, and the Yikings -112. It’s no lock- Andrew Luck Lock yet.

Final Games:

Lambs: Pittsburgh, San Francisco

Dolts: Houston, Jacksonville

Yikings: Washington, Chicago

Lambs have almost no chance of winning either of those games. Steelers will be seriously pissed off, after last night’s pummeling, but Rothlisberger will take the game off almost for sure. Lambs won’t win. They will, in fact, be lucky to score a touchdown for the rest of the season (God I hate those late garbage time TDs). But they need to lose by wide margins to insure the Dolts don’t pad their points lead. The Dolts could win both their final games, with the Jacksonville game a very real possibility, as those guys may just really tank it for week 17, since they won’t have to worry about being the only team that DIDN’T beat the Dolts. I mean, where’s the motivation now, coach? The Yikings have the toughest schedule, two teams that can lose on any given Sunday, and do it with style. The Deadskins won big yesterday, but so what? The Bears are just a shell of their former selves, with injuries and drug busts hounding them into the woods where they just might hibernate until next May. Yikings have to lose BIG in both games.

It’s going down to the last weekend in Jacksonville.

St. Louis Rams 13, Cincinnati Bengals 20

Underdog Weekend was so complete, this was on TV for the morning game in the Basement. It’s extremely low-tech down here. SACKS: Injured Lambs QB Sam Bradford (36) has lost the sack lead to Alex Smith (39 and 18 in three weeks!) by parking on the bench. However, if you go by teams, the Lambs have 49 total, which leads the league. So it doesn’t matter who’s in there. Nobody’s open and there is no protection. If the Cardinals Kevin Kolb could just keep his butt in a game, he’d run away with the Sack Crown, checking in with 30 in just 9 games- !!!!! The Lambs, once again, did nothing all game, move the ball a bit between their 20 and the 50, and score a meaningless touchdown with a minute to go in the game. Lambs give A.J. Green a big play, Lambs special teams give up 2 big runbacks, and the whole thing is the usual workman-like L that we’ve come to expect from these Doormat Kings. Never ever count this team out of the run to the Moldy Carpet Trophy. They just may nab it.

Minnesota Vikings 20, New Orleans Saints 42

As usual, the Yikings look pretty good in the first half, and then implode in the second half. Somebody fire the conditioning coach. Somebody fire somebody. Bring back the purple pants, at least. What do they DO in there at halftime? Have an Andrew Luck séance? Ever listen to Tom Wait’s “What’s He Doing in There?” It’s like that. The Saints rack up 573 yards of offense. 573. That’s how far my Lincoln gets on a tank of gas. The great thing about the Yikes is, you can turn the ball over just as many times as you like, and they aren’t going to trouble you with it. They just politely punt it back in a few plays. Plus, they’ll give you at least 4 free first downs with a variety of well-timed penalties. These guys need to stop playing indoors. It isn’t working.

Cleveland Browns 17, Arizona Cardinals 20 (OT)

The Brownies hit the 10 Club in style, blowing the lead in the 4^th quarter, and then capitulating in OT just as quickly as possible. The Crudinals have improbably vaulted to an improbable 7-7, and have the most improbobabble outside shot to make the playoffs, besides the 14 other teams with the same odds. It is amazing to me the Brownies can’t even get into field goal range for one of the best kickers in the league, Phil Dawson. He got one shot, and made it. Blank Helmet Football now and forever.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 15, Dallas 31

Make no mistake about it, folks, the Tampa Bay Bootineers are the worst team in football right now. This team is completely off the hook. They are doing it from every angle. An off-the-rails train that is NOT slowing down. What does it say about your team that your longest gainer of the game, and first first down, ends in a fumble? Josh Freeman, Doormat All-Star. The only reason WR Preston Parker didn’t get a fumble is he never caught a pass all game. Dallas needs to bone up on their preparation, and let him catch one. If Freeman and Parker are still on this team next year, we’ll know that the Boots are serious about winning the Moldy Carpet in 2012. These guys are money. Seven first downs, only 43 total plays, and only 8 possesions (I don’t count one play before half-time). Clearly the game plan was to minimize offense and keep their defense on the field for as long as possible, to cut down on turnovers. And it worked! Only one- but it was a signature moment.

Miami Dolphins 30, Buffalo Bills 23

They Did It. With two games to go, the Buffalo Nils get loss number 9. I think they are going to make it- incredible. The 10 Club and keeping their banner on the Doormat Division Masthead. Once 5-2, the Nils have lost 7 straight, have lost linemen, running backs, and just about every conceivable important position player. Ryan Fitzpatrick vaults into the INT lead with 3 more interceptions, and the Nils pull out the orange cone defense that was so popular in the early part of this season. It’s a lot colder in Buffalo this winter than usual.

Special Mention: Raiders 27, Lions 28

Raiders are losing in every way possible. Gonna finish 7-9. It’s real dark in the Black Hole.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWEST NFL WEEK 15 STATS

Points: 10 Giants

First downs 7 Buccaneers

Yards: 190 Buccaneers

Pass: 82 Colts (and they WON)

Run: 58 Buccaneers

Turnovers 4 Steelers, Eagles, Jets (Jets-Eagles game a real doozy)

Sacked: 7 Ravens

Penalties 11-93 Jets (man that Eagles-Jets game a real slop-fest)

aaAAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!