NFL Week 17 Predictions: Doormat Final Four

Oops, wrong final four, but you get the idea, it's time for a slam dunk game to determine who is really the baddest of the bad, the beasts of bungling, the tornadoes of trippytoes, the chokers of chaos, etc.

And so it comes down to just four predictions that are even worth mentioning, and here they are:

Chicago- 26
Detroit- 28
Yes, the Kittens will get off the mat and win one and stay out of the Doormat Bowl. Actually, even if they lose, they are too far behind the Pheebles in differential stats to eek into the Doormat Bowl.

Phillies- 6
NY Giants- 50
Giants have to win, and when they have to they do, usually. Pheebles have to lose, and when they have to, they do. Pheebles go to the Doormat Bowl!

Kansas City- 3
Denver-48
The Cheeps put the nail in the coffin and punch their ticket to the Doormat Bowl.

Jacksonville- 24
Tennessee- 14
Gaguars stumble in game 16, win one against the formidable ineptitude of the Titanics, and stay out of the Doormat Bowl.

Oh, and one possibility is still out there...

Arizona- 32
San Francisco- 38
A shootout in SF and the Niners get into the playoffs and send Arizona into a tie with the Lions for next-to-worst in the NFC.

And the Oracle predicts at Pheebles-Cheeps Doormat Bowl!

Location, date and time to be announced later this week.

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 16 PREDICTIONS

AS THE TURKEY DOTH SPIN IN YON

 DANK AND DINGY BASEMENT

CHARGERS at JETS

 Mark Sanchez and Philip Rivers are neck and neck for the most total turnovers in the league.  It’s a Doormat Battle for the ages as these two teams try to salvage their doormat cred by making one last desperate heave towards 10 losses.  However, Greg McElroy will be under rump for the Nyets on Sunday, so that means Rivers may have the turnover lane all to himself, and Sanchez can do nothing but grab a clipboard and hope his 26 TOs will hold up.

EDGE to lose:  CHARGERS

REDSKINS at EAGLES

 Once again, local pundits are picking the PHEEBLES to win one.  Fat chance.  RGB III is back and that’s enough for us.  And even if he isn’t they still win.  The Eagles are terrible and played their last tough game last week.  It's Tee Time in the Pheebs locker room.

EDGE:  Eagles

PATRIOTS at JAGUARS

 Gaguars get to host Pats coming off first home loss since the Johnson administration.

EDGE to get BLOWN OUT:  JAGS

BILLS at DOLPHINS

Bills are the better turnover machine.   More stressed defense.  They’re getting their 10^th loss on Sunday.

EDGE:  BILLS

COLTS at CHIEFS

Though the Titans and the Jets played the Doormat Game of the Year last Monday ,  the Chiefs bring it every week like clockwork.  They have no quarterback.  Remember that.

Andrew Luck’s 25 turnovers are not enough, because the Chiefs will do nothing with the ball.  Nothing.   NOTHING.  Big news on the Chiefs news page is how the bodies of the two men executed for the 1959 killings that became famous in the book “In Cold Blood” are being exhumed.  I’m not kidding.

EDGE:  CHIEFS

TITANICS at PACKERS

That 17 yard punt that couldn’t seal the loss on Monday was something else.  Lights out in Lambeau, though.

EDGE: Titanics

FALCONS at LIONS

Hey, the Lions should bounce back after an embarrassing loss, right?  28 points to the Cards, right?  Have you watched this team?  Falcons keep it close, but then stomp the team that stopped listening to their coach 7 weeks ago.

EDGE:  LIONS

RAIDERS at PANTHERS

The Raiders are terrible on the road, and have been for 10 years.  They got to feel like a real team last week, beating this year’s punching bag, the Chiefs.  Raiders blocking schemes starting to click, running game improving.  It will be closer than expected, but they still lose.

EDGE: RRRRRRRRAIDERS!!

RAMS at BUCS

Wow, this one is hard to call.  The Bucs have turned it around and lost 4 straight, while the Lambs still have a shot at finishing with a winning record.  Good Grief!   Bucs lost 41-0 last week.

EDGE:  RAMS

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!!!

Doormat Division Week 15 Report

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS,  WEEK 15

AFC

KFC Chiefs   2-12      -172

Jacksonville   2-12      -164

Oakland        4-10       -139

Tennessee     4-9         -115

Buffalo          5-9        -96

NFC

Philly           4-10      -122

Detroit         4-10      -50

Arizona       5-9        -78

Carolina      5-9        -23

St. Louis     6-7-1     -57

It's weird, not seeing Cleveland there.  But, Buffalo is pulling out all the stops.

CLASH OF THE TITANICS!!

OAKLAND 15,  KFC 0

The only NFL team with fast-food chain colors serves up another bucket of the cheapest fare money can buy in the NFL.  Going up against the reeling and seemingly equally inept Oakland Raydurz, the KFC Cheaps show that it's NO CONTEST when it comes to whose the boss of the Basement.  

For nearly 3 quarters, it looked like KC might not even get a first down. 17 yards in the first half.  Then, after finally getting one with 5 minutes left in the 3rd, they go all crazy and wind up with 7.  I was really really hoping they'd top the Jets' league-leading 5 first downs in a game.   The Raydurz fail to convert a single red-zone opportunity, and live on the leg of Sebastian Janikowski, their #1 offensive weapon.  What a good team wouldn't give to have this guy's leg.  He hit a 57-yarder like it was a chip shot.  I think it might have been good from 70.   Straight down the field.  The only time we saw that all day.

The Cheaps, on the other hand, fail on 4th and short twice deep in Oakland territory.  Knowing that even just one touchdown might win this Stiff of the Week, they do the right thing...except on one end you have Brady Quinn throwing even less accurately than Matt Cassell, and then on the other the most rock-fingered receivers I've ever seen.  Add to that a center that just won't hike the stupid ball even when he's at the 3 yard line, the play clock is right in front of his face, and Quinn and is almost doing a Chiefs war-dance back there to get the flipping ball delivered, and it's all over.

Brady Quinn expertly throws another in the dirt.
Admire the trajectory.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK
Take your pick:

BUCCANEERS 0,  SAINTS 41

GIANTS 0,  FALCONS 43

BILLS 17,  SEAHAWKS 50

CHARGERS 7,  PANTHERS 31

 LIONS 10,  CARDINALS 38

JAGUARS 3,  DOLPHINS 24

It was a parade of losing big yesterday, with some teams working hard to get a last shot at glory in the Doormat.  Also, the lowest number of first downs paraded by on the field...7 (KFC),  10  (NYG),  12 (CHI, BAL, ARI,  SD), 13 (CLE, JAC).  

The Buffalo Nils run into the buzzsaw that is the Seattle Seahawks, losing huge again.  The Bootineers have given up on the moving upward thing, and now have a shot to go 6-10 and make the 10 club.  They just have to tank the next two.  

The LIONS do the real fan-killer:  getting blown out by a team with a nine-game losing streak who were coming off a 58-0 Doormat All-Star loss to Seattle.  The KITTENS are right there, at 4-10, and must lose the next two (Atlanta and Chicago) to have a shot at taking the NFC Doormat trophy.

This team is just amazing, and you gotta hand it to the Kat Box coaching staff.  Six straight losses.  But, the Eagles pulled off the loss to Detroit back in October (26-23 OT gem),  so they need the Eagles to win one game.   With Washington and NY Giants on their schedule, that's a tall order.  The Pheebles need a team to forfeit.  It all comes down to whether the Giants will be playing for their playoff lives in the last game of the season against the Pheebs, or if they are making golfing reservations in Florida.  If the latter, watch a tank job materialize, the Pheebs get handed a win, and the Lions get back where they belong- Champs of the Doormat NFC and playing for the Moldy Carpet trophy in February in Russia.

NFC PICTURE -  games remaining

LIONS- Atlanta, Chicago.  Chicago game not a gimme.  Lions need to lose by huge margins to win by point differential.  Pheebles are 72 points ahead.

EAGLES- Washington,  NY Giants.  

AFC PICTURE

JAGUARS-  the Gaguars are still tied with KFC for the AFC division lead, separated only by a mere 8-point differential.   The Gags did it almost exclusively with perfectly timed penalties yesterday,  10 for 88 yards, but just perfectly perfectly timed.  3rd and short?  Let's make that 3rd and 9.  Or 3rd and 25.    TWO GAMES TO GO!

The Chiefs play Indianapolis and Denver, so those are a lock.   The Jags have New England and Tennessee.  New England, coming off their loss to the Niners, may score 70.  But the Titanics are going to be trouble for the Gaguars.  That's not a gimme, and they could wind up 3-13 and out of the race.  But if they lose both, and lose HUGE to the Pats, they could take it based on point differential.

It's going down to the wire.

AAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

NFL Week 15 Doormat Predictions

Rachel Wray, KC Chiefs Cheerleader, takes up MMA boxing

 Rather than shake her pom pons for the KC Chiefs to win, cheerleader Rachel Ray has taken up MMA Boxing, winning her first match in a TKO in "The Cage." We guess it was just too boring to watch the Chiefs play and she decided to get into something where she can do the hitting. Sorry, Chiefs, for your loss.

And speaking of losing, it's time for this week's predictions. The Oracle really stumbled last week, going a miserable 6-4 in picks. That will teach me to predict with my heart. What was I thinking, Detroit win? Against the Pack? It was a beautifully engineered loss by the Kittens, I must say. But it was no match for the Crudinals. Wow. 58-0 against a mediocre team. That takes Doormat class.

And now for this week's predictions:

Cincinnati- 28
Philadelphia- 24

Washington- 17
Cleveland- 21

Minnesota- 14
St. Louis- 12

Jacksonville- 24
Miami- 27

Tampa Bay- 28
New Orleans- 24

Seattle- 33
Buffalo- 10

Detroit- 35
Arizona- 7

Carolina- 14
San Diego- 16

Kansas City- 17
Oakland- 10 (This is definitely the game of the week. A perfect matchup, and a lot on the line)

New York Jets- 17
Tennessee- 14

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

'scuse me, 'scuse me,  coming through,  'scuse me, watch out.....

Make WAY for the Arizona Cardinals, folks,  9 straight losses,  rocketing to the top of the Doormat NFC in a humongous loss, 58-0, to division rival Seattle.  8 whopping turnovers, clearly not to be outdone by the Steelers, the Cruds deliver the biggest Blow-Out of the year.  The Crudinals are suddenly at -106 in point differential and break the FOUR-WAY TIE for first in the NFC doormat.   WOW.   The Lambs, on the other hand, pull to .500 and are not allowed in the standings.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 14 STANDINGS

NFC

U. OF PHOENIX    4-9       -106
PHILADELPHIA      4-9      -101

CAROLINA            4-9       -47

DETROIT               4-9      -22

NEW ORLEANS      5-8      -31

AFC

KANSAS CITY      2-11      -157

JACKSONVILLE    2-11      -143

OAKLAND            3-10     -154

TENNESSEE         4-9       -115

MIAMI                 5-8         -36

BUFFALO            5-8        -63

In the AFC,  the Raydurz and the Titanics both make the 10 club, while the NFC still can't get a 10-loss team.  Next week, for sure.    The Cleveland Brownies exit the AFC standings with yet another win and get beaten out by Buffalo and Miami, who have worse point differential.    The Chiefs come back to reality this week, realizing they are on the road and Brady Quinn is starting for them.  I wonder if Quinn got a big hug from Chomps and a brownie at the bake sale for his grand return to where it all started.   I bet he brought back a lot of memories for the Cleveland faithful.

Despite the two game lead that both KC and Jacksonville have over any of the NFC teams,  you better believe that the Crudinals are almost a lock to lose the next three and finish 4-12.   They play Detroit, Chicago,  San Francisco.  Good luck, even if Detroit is 4-9.   Detroit scores points.  The Cruds don't.

Hard to believe, but the Cruds BEAT the Patriots back in week two,  20-18.

CRUDS final:  4-12

KC, on the other hand,  has Oakland, Indy and Denver.   The Raiders- this is their chance- if they have any hope of taking the Doormat crown they have to blow the game to the Chiefs, and no matter how professionally bad they have been playing, it's going to take inspiration to lose.   It's the biggest game in the Doormat this year.  This is it.  The loser has the inside track.   However, the Raydurz beat the Gaguars, so if it ends up a tie with Jacksonville, the nod goes to the Gags.   

CHEAPS FINAL:  2-14

The Raiders finish at Carolina and then at San Diego.   Good luck losing all three.

RAYDURZ final:  4-12

Jacksonville may not be getting the press, but week in, week out, these guys lose almost every time.  Next week is the toughest, at Miami.  They could slip up and win there.  But the last two are New England and Tennesee, and though the Titanics pose a problem, I'm confident the Gags can pocket that loss without too much fuss.  They still have a chance, but they need some help. 

GAGUARS final:  3-13

In the NFC, the Eagles can pull off three more losses (Bengals, Redskins, Giants) and finish in a tie with the Cardinals, but the Cruds have the tie-breaker, beating the Pheebles in Week 3.   So, they're screwed.   

EAGLES final:  4-12

Carolina has the hardest route,  facing San Diego, Oakland and New Orleans.  After snuffing the Falcons today they will most likely party until Thursday and lose to San Diego, but the Chargers pulled off an upset of their own, so whoever has the bigger hangover and the weaker coffee loses that one. But they will not pull off losing to the Raydurz.  Sorry, not a chance.

PANTHERS final:  6-10

THERE FORE,  the predicted finish is Kansas City in the AFC and Arizona in the NFC.   

AAAAAAAnd THATS THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

THE STREAK

What do These Teams Have in Common?

None of them have been to the playoffs in at least 5 years.    Who will continue the legacy?

Buffalo:  The Buffalo Nils, at 5-7, are mathematically still in the hunt.  Ever gone hunting mathematically?   Didn't think so.   The Nils are working a 12-year drought, the franchise record.  Can they maneuver safely to 13?   Last division title:  1995 (17 years).  Last Super Bowl Victory:  oh, c'mon.

Oakland Raiders:  After last night's embarrassment  before a national television audience (assuming someone was watching outside of Denver), the hitchhikers to LA are heading for their 11th straight season off the radar.   Their last playoff game was Super Bowl XXXVII, the Chucky Beat-Down Revenge Stuff It Al Game.   A 48-21 drubbing from Tampa Bay that put the Chucky Hex on, which continues to this day.   11 dry years also franchise record.  Last Division Title:  2002 (10)

By the way,  5 (soon to be six) of the Broncos victories are from AFC West teams.  Without their own hopeless division, the Chargers would be 1-12.  The Chiefs, on the other hand,  have beaten only NFC teams.  They need to move.

Cleveland:  The Brownies, still remotely in the playoff picture,  are working the 9-year drought, and that's their franchise record, too.  And to think 9 years only gets them in 3rd here.  Last Division Title: 1989 (20- does not include the 'doormant' years.)  That's doormant, not doormat.  Last Super Bowel appearance-  NEVER.  

St. Louis:   The Lambs stand at 7, which is not their all-time record disappearing act (11).  They are also still faintly glimmering in the playoff light, fresh off the huge upset of the 49ers, which didn't seem at all like an upset after the tie last month.  The Lambs have a legitimate shot to make the playoffs...if they somehow sign 3 new offensive linemen who can pass block.  This is the best bad team in the league, right now.   Last Division Title:  2003 (8)

Jacksonville:  Has it really only been 5 years?  I bet in Gaguar Country, it seems like 100.   

In addition to this minor measure of football inconsequentialness (did I really write that?  I need to get a beer),  

NFL Week 14 Predictions: Paper Lions Cream Cheeseheads

That's right, folks. It's about time for the Detroit Kittens to win a game and it's just in time to screw up the Packers' road to the NFC North Crown (one of the smaller, more tarnished jewels in the NFL Universe). The Pack will win the North, but it won't be pretty.

And who is that sitting on the bench there? Number Zero? Of course, it's George Plimpton, the Paper Lion of 1964. The Oracle claims that is when all the Detroit woes and the hex began.

Allowing a journalist to put on a sacred NFL jersey and take the field as quarterback for five plays offended the Gods of the NFL up there in Valhalla or somewhere like that. I hear they drink a lot of wine made from honey there. Yech. What's wrong with a warm PBR and a hot dog? They have good hot dogs in Chicago at Soldier Field, especially the ones with cucumber and onions on them. MMMM.

Anyway, number 0 offended the NFL Gods and so they put a hex on Detroit that took effect on the last game of the 1964 season when the Cleveland Browns romped over the Lions to take the NFL Championship--the last season without a Super Bowl.

Since then the Lions, er, Kittens, have not been in a NFL Championship game, and according to the Oracle, they never will until George Plimpton officially apologies to the Gods, but we aren't sure if that is going to happen because he died in 2003. Sorry, George, great book, but bad for the Lions. Please find Valhalla up there and apologize!

Until then, the Kittens will continue to find the most spectacular ways to lose, no matter how good or bad they are.

But there is a bright moment on the horizon. This week they stagger into Green Bay to take on the Packers who are locked in 8-4 tie for the NFC North with the Chicago Care Bears. The Kittens will somehow find their mojo and will clock the Packers 35-21.

And now for the rest of the predictions:

Denver-28
Oakland-13

Dallas- 24
Cincinnati- 28

Kansas City- 14
Cleveland- 17

Tennessee- 14
Indianapolis- 28

Philadelphia- 28
Tampa Bay- 31

Atlanta- 28
Carolina- 17

NY Jets- 10
Jacksonville- 9

Arizona- 12
Seattle- 32

New Orleans- 33
NY Giants- 36

Detroit- 35
Green Bay- 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

The Doormat Division: Week 13 Rapport

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 13 STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA      3-9      -103

CAROLINA            3-9       -57

U. OF PHOENIX    4-8       -48

DETROIT               4-8      -15

ST. LOUIS             5-6-1   -46

AFC

KANSAS CITY      2-10     -134

JACKSONVILLE   2-10       -136

OAKLAND             3-9      -141

CLEVELAND        4-8        -36

TENNESSEE         4-8       -111

SAN DIEGO          4-8       +1

STIFF OF THE WEEK

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX 6,  NY JETS 7

"Tim, is that i before e or after sometimes y?"

Jets QB Mark Sanchez finally finds something useful to do on the sidelines and the Jets respond by winning a game with their 13th string QB,  Greg McElroy, coming in and engineering what no-one thought was possible yesterday-  a scoring drive that ended in a TD.   Two teams with two very different losing philosophies met in this clash of Titanics-  the Nyets deploying the interception-fumble plan, while the Crudinals came at them with everything their punter, Dave Zastudil, had.  10 punts for 448 yards!  137 net yards on offense!  The Cruds went 0-15 on 3rd down, and amassed a league-wide season low 5 first downs.  A.J. Feely took care of the scoring with two 75-yard field goals after interceptions or some other gift.   The Jets, down to their last dime, put in McElroy and the game slips through their fingers and any real chance at the Moldy Carpet with it.  The Jets, Bills, and Dolphins are all 5-7, just like we predicted it would happen in the AFC East.   Sometimes, you just can't lose.  The Cruds, though, should lose at least 3 of the last 4 (Seattle, Detroit, Chicago, SF),  and I think they are going 4-12.  They could still win it.  

You know, every NBA team has a guy way down at the end of the bench, the 12th guy, who never gets in the game.  Yesterday, with the Jets fans chanting McElroy's name, praying that Rex Ryan would put him, or anybody for that matter,  into the game, it took me back to my youth in Portland, Oregon.  The Portland Trailblazers were a brand new team and were pretty damn bad.  Being the 12th guy on the worst team in the league was a real distinction.  One night, with about 578 other people in the building, we began chanting our 12th man's name- Stricker.   It started in low, and then started to grow.  Pretty soon, everybody was chanting "Put in Stricker, put in Stricker."   Sure enough, with the game safely out of reach,  the coach peered way down the bench and called his name.  The place went nuts.   Stricker came in, scored 47 points in 10 minutes and the rest is history.  

Well, no, but he did get a couple buckets and his teammates fed him the ball every time downcourt.  It must have felt great.  Stricker didn't stick in the NBA, but at least he got to feel what it was like when a crowd wanted to see him in the game.   Add Greg McElroy to the list.

GAME OF THE WEEK

CHIEFS 27,  PANTHERS 21  

When a team as bad as the Chiefs are this year are struck by a stunning tragedy as they were on Saturday,  you have no idea how they will respond.  As everyone knows by now,  KC linebacker Jovan Belcher murdered his girlfriend on Saturday, then drove to Chiefs headquarters, spoke to coach Romeo Crennel and GM Scott Piloli, thanked them for giving him a chance to play for the Chiefs, and shot himself dead right there in the parking lot, leaving behind an orphaned baby.  And Crennel thought he was just coaching a bad football team.

How do you play a football game the very next day after something like that?   Apparently, you play your hearts out.   Facing the second worst team in the NFC, the Chiefs refuse to go down quietly, Brady Quinn throws 2 TD passes for the first time since the invention of the football, and the Chiefs top the Carolina Panthers in undoubtedly the most emotional game in the NFL this year.  

Our hats are off.  Go Chiefs.

SOLID LOSING

JAGUARS 18,  BILLS 38

This is a close as we get to a blow-out this week.  The Gags...are playing better football.  I'll admit it.  They aren't the well-oiled losing machine they were earlier in the year.  But, they are back in a tie now with the Chiefs and it's going to go down to the last game of the year.  The Gaguars still find a way when others give up.

BLOTS 13,  BENGALS 20

Chargers QB Philip Rivers pulls it off again, rallying late and then throwing the really bad game killing interception.   Pow! Blam!  You gotta hand it to him- he's got style.  Right down to the unfazed look he gets when he's really really blown it.  He's done the pissed-off thing so many times, he's had to change the shtick.  The AFC Worst just keeps on getting worser.  Wurster.

BROWNIES  20,  RAIDERS 17

The Raydurz can't beat the Browns at home.  Say that to yourself 10 times, Raiders fans.The Oakland Raydurzzz come skidding into Monday with a 5-game losing jag going, and they might as well start releasing everybody, and not just Rolando McCain.  Get on the Doormat bandwagon and stop the posturing.  These guys are only 1 game off the pace, but finishing 3-13 is a tall order.  Last 4 games:  Denver, Chiefs, Panthers, Chargers.   I say 4-12.   The Browns host the Chiefs next week, and if they can't lose that one, they're finishing 5-11.

The serious disconnect between the Raiders coach's plans and the player's execution, in particular the O-line zone blocking (which has eliminated what was a pretty good rushing attack) and the entire defense, is something to not behold.  Yesterday's game managed to be blacked out, even with the new rules.  Let's hope they black out the road games, too.  I hope you can get a bumper sticker that says "I blacked out at a Raiders game."

EAGLES 33,  COWBOYS 38

Whatever your team scores, the Pheebles will craftily get under that number to make it look like they could have won.   The Philly Pheebs are in first in the NFC Doormat, and they win a tiebreaker over the Panthers, since they almost won against them last week.  The Pheebs have a great chance to finish 3-13.  Their last 4 games:  Tampa,  Cincy, Washington and NY Giants.   aaaaaaand speaking of almost winning:

LIONS 33, COLTS 35

Explain to me how two teams score 68 points,  pile up 910 net yards of offense, turn it over 4 times, yet still punt 15 times.  What a wild game.  The Lions now have a legitimate chance to retake the Doormat crown, which has eluded them for a few years now.  Those great, golden years of losing may be back already.   The Kittens can rack up points that put them in no danger of winning.   Kittens wins have been:  Lambs, Gaguars, Seahawks, and Pheebles.  Impressive!  3 of their last 4 games are against teams above .500, which pretty much guarantees a loss. Their lone trouble spot is the Crudinals on Dec. 16th.  The Crudinals are on fire, though, with 8 straight appalling attempts at football.   Looks like 5-11 to me.


NOTES:  I know I haven't been reporting the stats lately....I've just been enjoying the pure ebb and flow of the games,  the poetry of it all.   After all, doesn't the game speak for itself?

aaaAAAAAAnd THAT's THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!