AND THEY’RE OFF!!!
It was one of the most amazing Week 1 blast-offs (and
crash-landings) ever yesterday for the Doormat Division and the whole NFL. 31 total interceptions, which eclipsed
any weekend last year, and there are still 2 games to go! And with Carson Palmer and Philip Rivers flinging into the night tonight,
who knows where it will all end?
Leading the way in the early going was last year’s
interception king Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Buffalo Nils, who threw three in the
first half, and cashed in one for a touchdown. Obviously, though, QBs looked at the stats over the summer
and the competition is going to be incredible: Michael Vick and Brandon Weedon (Brownies) threw 4
each, and Matt Stafford got 3 in
before Lion’s fans had found their seats.
The Dolts and Floppers each chipped in 3 as well, so OBVIOUSLY it’s
going to take something special to be the interception king this year.
Toss in the replacement officials, and this is shaping up to
be a storybook year for the Doormat.
Let’s get to the games!
Denver Broncos 31,
Pittsburgh Steelers 19
Why is this game even here? Because this may be the year that ol’ Big Ben can’t quite
get of his own way. 5 Sacks in
game 1 after last year’s humbling playoff defeat to…the Denver Broncos. 2 in a row to the same team. Yes, Peyton Manning is there,
without the bug wings and tapenade,
but still. Not a good sign.
Keep an eye on these guys- how low can they go? What’s a good Doormat name for the
Steelers? The Stöllen? The Aluminum Foil? The Tinsmiths?
Detroit Lions 27 St. Louis Rams 23
It was like old times at the Kat Box yesterday, and the
Kittens nearly brought home the misery, you could SMELL it, but they were up
against the champs, so not even 3 INTs and a lotta replacement official
bumbling could bring them the loss.
The Lambs are just too much- and their expert final defensive ‘stand’
yielded the crucial go-head TD for Detroit, with a mere :10 seconds left on the
clock, and no chance for the Lions to blow it. Amazing.
What do ya gotta do against these guys??
Are these guys laughing?
STIFF OF THE WEEK
Tampa and Carolina brought home a real stiff yesterday, with a parade of field goals and some
seriously boring football, but we have to go with:
Eagles 17, Browns 16
Glad to see the Brownies take the honors this week, as both
teams combine for a lofty EIGHT interceptions and FIVE fumbles!! That’s a SLUF-GEST, folks, where
nobody wants the damn ball.
Brownies check in with only 12 first downs and 210 total yards, and no
offensive TD. Despite the 4 interceptions, they still get off 7 punts. Folks, that's Hall of Fame kind of performance. The Eagles may have
been bad, but the Brownies are professionals. So, even the late interception
return for a Brownies TD, and the lead, was not going to do it. Brownies guide the Eagles into
end zone with 1:18 remaining, and the home crowd prepares itself for another
season of Blank Helmet Football.
Cream of the Doormat.
BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK
This is a tough call, because a log-jam of 20-point losses crowd the
landscape.
Houston Texans 30, Miami Dolphins 10
The Floppers take it, because they had lowest point total
(even though the Titans lost by 21). Miami started some guy named Tannehill at QB and he
cashed in 3 INTs. Bing! Fumbled 3 times. Bing! And did not score an offensive TD. BONG!
Floppers dive to the bottom of the AFC East just like
that.
The Rest of the Sorry
Pile
Cardinals 20, Seahawks 16
Another game nobody wanted, right down to the final mangled
attempt at a red-zone score with seconds remaining for the Seahags. Even the extra time-out from the
replacement officials could not sway the Seahag strategy. This is Coach Carrol we’re talking about here. The Crudinals, a team with so
much Doormat promise, cannot withstand losing their starting quarterback and a
motivated back-up. Game-Set-Match
to the guys from Grayville.
That NFC West is going to be tough. 49ers will have a 17 game lead at the end of the season.
Minnesota 26, Jacksonville 23 (OT)
Somebody had to win.
Falcons 40, Chiefs 24
This game was tied 17-17 at one point. That must seem like a long time ago to
the Cheaps.
Bears 41, Colts 21
OK, I watched this one. Andrew Luck is going to be good. He’s also going to get hammered and
have about .10 seconds to throw on most downs. Let’s see how he’s doing in 7 weeks, after getting
intimate with every rug in the NFL he plays on. Think Jim Plunkett and the Boston Patriots. The Dolts still have what I have to describe as a
hilarious defense. The DBs have
some sort of ‘fire drill’ pattern that borders on slapstick. This takes practice, and the
Dolts still have the losing touch.
Luck or no Luck, these guys can LOSE.
Bucs 16, Panthers 10
The Bootineers Losing Culture Club must be in shock here. Against all expectations, and with so
much preparation, the Boots win the game,
and I get to say Pansies again!
Woo-Hoo!
Bucs snap the 10-game losing skid. Now they just have to start another.
Jets 48, Bills 28
Wow. QB Ryan
Fitzpatrick picks up where he left off last year and the Nils look like the
same team that ended up 6-10 last year. Of course, next week the Jets could lose by 30.
Extra note:
keep an eye on the New Orleans Saints. They still have a wild offense, but they just may have a
disaster brewing on defense. RGB
III is obviously going to be great, and the Shanaplan is coming to fruition,
but some of those 40 points from the Deadskins falls squarely on the Aint’s
defense.
NFL 2012 WEEK 1
Amazing Lows
Points:
10 Dolphins, Panthers
First Downs 12 Browns
Yards: 210 Browns
Rush: 23 Titans
Pass: 111 Browns
Sacked 5 Steelers
INT 4 Eagles,
Browns
Punts 7 Browns (how do you punt 7 times when you throw
4 INTs??)
aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!
