Crudinals Finally Getting it in Gear

CARDINALS 22,  SEAHAWKS 34

Last year, the University of Phoenix Crudinals got off to a 4-0 start, inflating the fan base to a giddy biliousness that inverted to a gaseous pffft as the Cruds lost 11 of their last 12 games.   In the offseason, not satisfied with 5-11 for a Doormat effort, the Cruds picked up Doormat QB extraordinaire Carson Palmer, a QB the Oakland Raiders gave up on (and that's really saying something).   The Cruds got off to a rocky start, though, having to face the Lambs,  the Lions, the Bootineers and the Panthers- all experienced Doormat teams.   As Mr. Palmer usually pulls a bit of a bait-and-switch at the start of every season, the Cruds built a 3-2 record.  That's no way to win the Moldy Carpet (or Mouldy Carpette as the more refined refer to it).

Mr. Palmer does what he does best

But Carson has his act going now, and there may be no stopping him, if  U. of Phee wants to get to the bottom of things.   He's thrown 11 interceptions in the last 4 games, and 13 total , only 2 behind interception wizard Eli Manning.  Palmer likes to hold onto the ball for too long, scramble and then throw rockets to whoever is man enough to catch them.

Stepping up bigtime last night, Palmer throws two interceptions in his own territory, both turning into TDs, and gets sacked 7 times (give the O-line some credit here!).    Another team with no rushing game (30 tiny yards last night), Palmer gets 45 chances to blow it, and the odds are just too good on that account.   

Losers of two straight, standing (well, slumping) at 3-4,  look ahead to Jacksonville in 3 weeks to see just how LOW THEY CAN GO.

It's a shame Matt Schaub is injured, because the Cruds-Texans game in two weeks would be a helluva Doormat QB face-off.  Two Time Bomb Game.

4-12 is still possible, and though it won't win the Moldy Carpet, it will at least serve notice to the NFL that this teams means business.

-wacko

                                       

Doormat Division Week 3 Preview

WORST OF THE NFL WEEK  3,  2012

Remember, the team with the best chance to LOSE has the edge

GAME OF THE WEEK

Kansas City Chiefs at New Orleans Saints

They did an exhumation in a boggy cemetery in New Orleans last week.   Curiosity got the better of the faithful, and they just had to see for themselves if the AINT wasn’t in the box anymore.  They’re buying monkey hands and doing the voodoo and dodging the gris-gris like crazy this week in New Orleans, but help is on the way.

The Cheaps are coming to the Big Easy!   They Cheaps did some probing of their own this week only to discover that their players are, in fact, meatheads.  The smoked barbecue flavor is excellent, by the way.  These two teams are tied for the lead in points allowed, so something’s gotta give.  It’s the Cheaps. 

The generous nature of Midwesterners comes to N.O. just in time.  

EDGE:  CHEAPS

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS  at  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Well, they didn't have to do any probing in Jacksonville.   When you've got a hole in your head the size of a....football,  there's not much to go looking for.   Also noted this week that many of the players did not actually have bodies, but were just pants with no-one inside them.  

Which is scary if you have to go picking snide in the middle of the night in a snide field nine miles wide.   The Gaguars defensive secondary is going to feel like they are covering a nine mile wide field against Andrew Luck.

EDGE:   GAGUARS

BUFFALO BILLS at CLEVELAND BROWNS

The good people of Cleveland were given a ray of hope last week in the nuclear winter of Cleveland sports.   An offense showed up on the Brownie side of the ball.   This threatens the Brownie Blank Helmet offense to the point where they are in serious danger of winning this game.  It's all up to Ryan Fitzpatrick, and which team he decides to throw the ball to.

EDGE:  EVEN

PITTSBURGH STEELERS at  OAKLAND RAIDERS

The Steelers demonstrated last week that they aren't a bunch of cupcakes just yet.   The Raydurzzzzz showed that they are.   With the depleted defensive secondary now decimated with injuries and the linebacking scene stretched to the point of cheap toilet paper from Costco,  the Raydurzz have one last chance at self-respect, and then they can start mailing it in.  Raydurzz the surprise disaster of the season (they look WAY worse than the Aints).    

EDGE:  Rrrrrrrrraydurz!

DETROIT LIONS at  TENNESSEE TITANS

Coming off yet another grinding loss to the 49ers, the Lions pull into Memphis and get ready to torch the Titanics.   The Titanics so far are outperforming all doormats- lowest points scored (23) and biggest point differential (49).   They're ALREADY mailing it in. 

EDGE:  TITANICS   

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

SAN FRANCISCO 49ers  at  MINNESOTA VIKINGS

YIKES....and away!!!


STIFF OF THE WEEK

ST. LOUIS LAMBS at CHICAGO BEARS

I am only calling this the Stiff of the Week because I forgot to assign it to anybody else.
The Bears found out last week just how far they are from being competitive in their own division, and now they have to contend with a perennial doormat that is actually trying to become a football team.
If the Lambs have any kind of pass rush, they can get Jay Cutler backpedaling and heaving footballs in random directions all day long.  If they don't, they get torched.

EDGE:  LAMBS

aaaaAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!

NFL Worst Predictions Week 7

New Offensive Front Line for Miami 

​The NFL worst move into Week 7 showing great signs of true badness.

For the Dolphins, nothing else has worked, so the Miami Floppers decided to think out of the box and go with a new front line for pass protection. Chad Henne is going to need it as he has only thrown for 868 yards all season and balanced his passing with 4 interceptions and 4 touchdowns. The tough part is he has been eating tartan turf most of the road games. At least he gets soft, moist grass at home. This new front line, hopefully, will distract pass rushers long enough for Henne to actually throw the ball while not running for his life and screaming for his mother.

This week the pass rushers are the Denver Donkeys, a defense that gives up 300 yards a game average. So, their average. But this should be the Doormat Division matchup of the week. Denver was in the Doormat Bowl last year and may get there again this year. Miami has shown this season that they can lose any game. Should be a good time on the moldy duct tape covered couch.

And speaking of offense and defense ratings, the Patsies have the top rated offense and the lowest rated defense in the NFL through week 6. Who says you can't win without defense? Oh, they didn't always win? My bad.

And now it's time for all of the NFL Week 7 Predictions for the Doormat Division:

Seahags- 12

Brownies- 9

Donkeys- 24

Floppers- 21

Deadskins- 17

Pansies- 14

(Actually, this is a game the Pansies can win. But they won't.)

Cheeps- 10

Raiders- 35

Steelers- 21

Crudinals- 17

Lambs- 0

Cowpies- 16

Dolts- 13

Saints- 36

Gaguars- 7

Ravens- 28

And now for the blowout of the week--

Green Bay- 46

Yikings- 6

And let's give a Doormat shout out to the NY Zeps. Your doormat is at the design shop right now.

Bolts- 28

Zeps- 10

The Doormat Division 2011 Week IV Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK IV PREVIEW

It’s been hot the last few days. It’s really best if it doesn’t get too warm down here in the basement. The carpet warms up and…maybe I’ll type this outside. There’s gotta be a reeeeeeeeeealllllllly long extension cord around here somewhere. That sounds a lot like work. Maybe I’ll just light some early ‘60s incense- tobacco. That’ll cover up anything.

It’s Week IV, Doormat denizens, and if you can’t get on the losing bandwagon this week, you may be destined to another 7-9 year of parity and boredom. You either want to win big or lose big in this league. Kinda like our country these days. How come the NFL is interested in parity, anyway? What is this, SWEDEN???

Speaking of Scandahoovanians:

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

Yikings (0-3) at Cheaps (0-3)

Ah, remember the good old days? Back when the Cheaps won something, and the Yikes…well, never mind. There are no good old days for the Yikings. Believe me, I KNOW. The Yikes bring their incredible 3 game Come From Ahead streak into Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, and it’s going to be tough loss to nail down. Why? The Cheaps, over their last 5 games, are averaging 8.8 points a game. They are LAST in the league in offense and defense. Until last week, the Cheaps hadn’t even scored in the second half.

So, pulling off a come from ahead is a TALL order for the Yikes, and most likely the streak will be broken. But not all is lost! The Cheaps did rally for 17 points last week, and didn’t nail down the loss until Matt Cassel hurled an INT late in the game. So, it could happen. And my brothers could ask me if I’ve written any songs lately, too.

The Yikes have won exactly ONCE in KC, in 1974. The Doormat wisdom: If you can’t hold a lead, don’t get one. The Yikes will be focused on maintaining the same level of play for the whole game, so to avoid pooping out in the 2^nd half yet again, they’ll pace themselves, and play like crap from the kickoff. In fact, they’ll play like crap on the bus coming down I-35. This should be decided by a field goal…in the second quarter. EDGE: YIKINGS

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Pansies (1-2) at Bears (1-2)

If the Bears can lose to Carolina, we’ll have to start recognizing them. We want to, but last year they made the playoffs (and looked like Doormat material in the final game). But this is the game. No more pussyfooting around. Pansy pass defense should make Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler look like Cam Newton, but it may not be enough. Pansies are really in danger of winning any game against another commie-pinko Parity Team. Cam Newton has not yet had a miracle finish game. Chances are… EDGE: BEARS

Falcons (1-2) at Seahags (1-2)

The Falcons can’t really have the same record as the Hags, right? Is that right?

That’ll change come Sunday. Lights out at Pork Link Field. EDGE: HAGS

COUNTDOWN TO UNEMPLOYMENT

Saints (2-1) at Gaguars (1-2)

Every year it looks like the Gags are finally going to fire Jack del Rio, and then the team wins a flurry of games at the end of the season, and his sorry ass stays in Jacksonville. Who else fires their starting quarterback just before the season 2 years in a row? Nobody. You Gaguar fans with shrines and voo-doo dolls and fervent prayers asking for release from this land of morale stomping, and really truly unimaginative offense, your luck is turning. The Saints are bringing you some serious ju-ju, monkey hands, and gris-gris, just for you. But you still are in the serious hunt for the Moldy Carpet. EDGE: GAGUARS

Floppers (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

Name the Miami coach. I dare you. Pretty soon you won’t have to. EDGE: FLOPPERS

THE REST OF THE PILE UP OF FUMBLING INEPTITUDE

Donkeys (1-2) at Packers (3-0)

Blowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwout of the Week. Denver fans, just pray that Tony Sparano (that’s his name!) keeps his job in Miami until at least Week VII. That’s your next shot at a victory. Clean your garage on Sunday, OK? EDGE: Donkeys

Deadskins (2-1) at Lambs (0-3)

The Lambs really are showing how it’s done. 8 years without a winning record is not something to be sniffed at. In fact, I’d stand back a couple yards. Averaging 1 touchdown and nearly 3 fumbles a game, the Lambs are scraping the bottom of the league in every catergory, except punts per game, a lowly 6.5. But the good old Bungle Axiom- A fumble is As Good as A Punt- applies here. Also, getting sacked 4 times a game ain’t chopped liver. Shockingly, the Deadskins are going to 3-1. EDGE: Lambs

Bills (3-0) at Bungles (1-2)

Uh-oh. The quagmire at Brown Pall Stadium looms at the Bills. “Don’t leave us,” the Bungles cry. The Bills better wear earplugs, because the siren song of the Moldy Carpet is very loud in Cincinnati. I’m not kidding on this, this game is the biggest test of the year for these guys. The Bungles’ defense is ranked 5^th, but they’ve played mediocrity incarnate so far this year, so the jury is…being selected for the various Bungles who are out on bond. EDGE: Bungles

Giants (2-1) at Crudinals (1-2)

The Giant come into We’re Not the University of Phoenix Cardinals stadium and pummel the Crud. The Crud have improved their situation. They have more TDs than INTs, less sacks, and have crept up to 27^th in the league in offense. The don’t give up a lot of points (but a TON of yardage), but look at their competition: Pansies, Deadskins, Seahags. They won’t beat anybody except a Doormat or maybe a commie-pinko Parity team. The Giants are not enough parity at this time. EDGE: CRUD

And finally on Monday night, another game of national embarrassment:

Dolts (0-3) at Bootineers (2-1)

Winning record aside, Boots QB Josh Freeman is still averaging more interceptions than TDs, so he’s not gone all winner on us yet. Kerry Collins has thrown only 1 interception. And that’s it for the superlatives! EDGE: DOLTS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!

NFL Week 4 Doormat Division Predictions

Yikings introduce new "on the knee"  formation

It's week 4 in the NFL and the basement denizens of the Doormat Division are still recovering from last week's epic displays of ineptitude and futility, not to mention the all-out head-first dives into the beer vat celebrating the exit of two teams from the basement: Buffalo and Detroit.

But now it's time for the Oracle from the Basement to speak again. We spin the frozen turkey and the headless neck points to these fateful scores. Gentlemen, make your predictions:

Pansie- 14
Care Bears- 10
(Yes, another mirage from last year, Chicago, will edge closer to the shadowy doorway to the basement. The surging Pansies just might push them down the steps)

Bills- 18
Bungles- 10

Titanics- 17
Brownies-13

Kittens- 36
Cowpies- 10

Yikings- 3
Cheeps- 0
(Stiff of the week)

Deadskins- 28
Lambs- 6

Ain'ts- 50
Gaguars-- 10

Giants- 18
Crudinals- 3

Patsiettes-21
Raydurz- 28

Buncos- 10
Packers- 36

Floppers- 10
Bolts- 18

Seahags-6
Falcons- 17

And that's how the turkey spins.....

Seahawks, Bears Playoff Game Preview from the NFL Doormat Division

The Seattle Seahags are in  the hunt for the Superbowl, and will dive into Soldier Field like an Osprey on a spawning salmon to take on the fearsome Chicago Bears in an NFC playoff showdown this Sunday. Unfortunately, the Bears will grab the salmon first and smack them in the face with it all day long.

Yes, the Seahawks are 2-6 on the road this year, but they beat Chicago in one of those road games. So it CAN be done, and Pete Carol is the coach and Marshawn Lynch could go Beast Mode.

But let's face it, the Bears can out-hit, out-muscle, and out-crazy anyone. Have you watched any Bears games this year? When that defense is clicking, it's scary.

So the Oracle from the Basement predicts the Bears will win, 38-3. Seahawks will get 6 first down.

But I hope I am wrong, because the Oracle already predicted in December that the NFC West champion would make it to the NFC Conference Championship game.

So I'm going to flop like a salmon on the deck of fishing boat and go out on a thin limb here and change my prediction: Seahags 28, Bears 24.

I'm going out for another keg of Hamms and some Costco brand chips and salsa for the game. See you in the basement!!

Are they afraid of Bears in Seattle? I don't think so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FARnbRBWKGg

NFC West Keeps on Track as the class of the NFL Doormats

The entire NFC West lost today, making it a very real possibility that the division winner will end the season under .500. Though the run to to Superbowl may be exciting, this year could go in the history books as the year of the Doormats.

Who would have thought you could lose with the best of them and still win? The big question now is, who will win the NFC West? It is bound to be the most exciting finish in the NFL this year.