And then there were four

Though the overall winner is probably going to be eggchairjim, we still have the Toilet Bowl to think about. It's going to be the Brownies or Nils against the Lambs or Kittens. Everyone else is eliminated.

We said the Toilet Bowl would be decided by statistical analysis, but do we have an old Stratomatic type game laying around so we could actually have a game? Maybe updates of  the game during the Superbowl (ala "Bud Bowl").

Any thoughts guys?

Our Season of Futility

Looking at these statistics of stumbling, I got to wondering,

What are some of the all-time worst numbers?

Since teams started playing at least 14 games, the greatest point differential is owned by the fabulous Tampa Bay Bootineers of 1976 (of course!)

Boots 125-412 that's 287 whopping points. The Lambs would have to get beat 49 points for them to tie that. C'mon, Lambs!

The Lowest point total for a season (14 games or more) that I could find was:

Atlanta Falcons clocking in at 111 in 1974. That's 7.9 points per game. Barely a TD a game.

The Falcs had a 3-11 record that year, NOT the worst in the league.

And though you may think the Rams should own the most points ever scored in 2001, it's the Pats in 2007 with 589. The year the Rams got 503 they were more than 200 points ahead of the next team.

Cellar Divsion WEAK XVI Wrap-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XVI Wrap-up and Disposal

SHOCKER OF THE WEAK!

Bootineers 20 Saints 17 (OT)

Well, faster than you can take down a Pope with a horse-collar tackle, the Saints are looking like a team that needs a vacation instead of home-field advantage through the NFC playoffs.

Tampa Bay, that’s right, the BOOTINEERS, take it to the Saints, in their house, as the Cellar rises up and a two game winner beats a 13 game winner for the first time ever (yes somebody looked it up, thank God for total geek stat heads).

Who Dat? The Boots rack up 439 yards of offense, which has to be the season high, while still getting two INTs from Josh Freeman and punting 7 times. They did the one thing that everybody needs to do against the Saints: score more points than them. OK, OK, sorry. It’s called play Keep Away. TB had it for 36:15 and the Saints did nothing after the fast starting 1^st quarter.

The Boots, looking like a team that was never going to get off the turf, have now won 2 straight (yes beating the SeaHags still counts) and can kiss their Cellar Moldy Carpet Crown good-bye. That’s OK, because the Lambs are the Kings, and no-one can match those mutton-heads. Conversely (Chuck Taylorly), the Saints have lost two straight, both at HOME. The curse of the Fleur-de-Lis is stirring in the Big Muddy. Put away those Mardis Gras beads and turn down the heat on the gumbo, boys, these boys need to go back to basics and find their reason to be pissed off.

Special Shocker mention from the Cellar goes to the once near-Cellar Jets, who improbably knocked off the Colts yesterday (woo-hoo!!!) and find themselves in the playoff hunt. Put some mustard on that hot dog and somebody call Joe Namath out of the lap dancing room, there’s something going in Queens.

LOSER OF THE WEAK

Raydurz 9 Brownies 23

Oh, I got up early for this one. I knew something special was going to happen. And, speaking of curses, the Curse of Chucky lives! Ever since Jon Gruden jumped ship to Tampa Bay and crushed the Silver and Blacked Out in the 2003 Stuper Bowl 578-2, the Raydurz have been the worst team on the planet. Yesterday, they showed why. This team really is the worst team in the AFC, except they put in Gradkowski for 3 games and messed up their run to the Moldy Carpet. So, I got my piano practice done by 10, made a huge bowl of popcorn, and settled in for the Cellar Match-up of the week…hell, the century.

Here’s one sequence that sums it up COMPLETELY: Brownie ball. After a lot of jawing and pushing and shoving, and the Raydurz and Brownies got a brawl-scrum going around the Brownie 40 yard line in the 2^nd quarter. Both teams receive personal foul calls, penalties off-set. All done, right? Not on your life! DE Richard Seymour, who had the penalty, goes after a ref with a string of choice words and gets ANOTHER 15 yarder.

Ball on the Raydur 45. Two plays later DB Stanford Routt flagrantly head butts a poor wee Brownie, and is ejected from the game. Ball on the Raydeur 27 now. 3 plays later, Derek Anderson finally leads a receiver, instead of throwing 4-15 yards behind him (that guy needs a geometry class), and the Brownies SCORE. Game over.

13 penalties for 126 yards! FIVE personal foul calls! That’s the Raydur mystique in action. Pride and Poise and a Crowbar! Ok, just a couple of other tid-bits: Raydurz coughed it up on the first play of the game, INT, and Brownies score. 9 yard drive. Raydurz throw it 45 times, even though they could have run through the Brownies off tackle and around end all day…2 positive notes- Janikowski hit a 61-yard FG, and Joshua Cribbs got nothing, just like I predicted. Brownies now have 4 victories, 3 IN A ROW, and the Cheaps have the AFC locked up unless something really shocking happens next week.

I guess that’s what having Mike Holmgren just hang around the stadium does for a team.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

There’s a PILE of blowouts this week, gentlemen. Take your pick.

Packers 48 Seahags 10.

Cardinals 31, Lambs 10

Panthers 41 Giants 9

Falcons 31 Nils 3

And we’ve still got the Vikes-CareBears yet to go today. Pansies take it for shock value, Seahags take it for point margin, but Nils take it for pathetic. 11 first downs. 178 total yards, 3 turnovers, 7 punts, 10 penalties, 40 yards rushing……that’s losing, kids. I’m looking for these guys to make a run at the Moldy Carpet next year. They folded up their tents and quit a few weeks back, after beating the Cheaps, which must have been just exhausting. Terrel Owens is getting his come-uppance for show boating on the Cowboy emblem all those years ago. How’s it feel TO?

I’m skipping stiff of the week (though it’s Bengals-Cheaps 17-10, in case you wonder), and finishing with the more important Wrap-UP.

WRAP-UP and DISPOSAL

It’s almost over. The Moldy Carpet is being retrieved and soaked in Bud in anticipation of the final Tilts next week.

NFC

The Lambs, at 1-14, are holding steady as the leader, but the KITTENS are still only a game behind after a true stinker against the 49ers yesterday (I watched that too). Kittens play the Bears and the Lambs have the 49ers next week, at home. AS if that mattered. But don’t just hand it to the Lambs (still on track to not clear 200 points), because Niner-Lambs games have a way of defying the odds (though not for the last, oh, 5-6…10 years). Kittens could actually screw up and win against the Bears, because those guys are awful, whereas the Lambs could pull it out and win by mistake. Remember, the Kittens have won the tie-breaker, with that stiff back in Weak VIII at Ford Field, where the Lambies got their only win of the year. The Boots are officially eliminated with their inexplicable strong finish.

AFC

The Cheaps are on the inside track and moving as slowly as possible. Cleveland has found out that they have a running game, and if they keep the passing under 17 attempts, they just might outlast their opponent. Brownies only 1 game back. Nils eliminated after failing to lose to Cheaps 3 weeks ago. Cheaps are at Denver, who have totally collapsed the last two weeks, and the Brownies take on Jacksonville at home. I really have no idea about Cleveland now. I’m baffled. Jacksonville may just fold it and quit, but they are technically still in the playoff hunt, so they may be desparate.

Denver also clinging to playoff spot. I think Cheaps will still lose, because they are still terrible and have a good late season plunge going on- they, like the Lambs, have seen the trophy back in the rumpus room, and really long for a dark room to sip stale beer in, and avoid being seen for 8 months.

This Week’s Lows

Points: 3 Nils

Total yards: 178 Nils

Rushing yds 40 Nils

Passing yds 118 Brownies (no Brady Quinn? So what? And they WON)

Turnovers: 6 Kittens (3 fumbles, 3 INT)

Penalties: 13 for 126 yds. RAYDURZ (I’d be so disappointed if they didn’t have the season high)

Time of Poss: 25:35 Nils

aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!

Wacko Caveats

These "qualifiers" would make one think Wacko finds his Cellar work daunting (like a Culpepper), but I believe he is into it with, at least, as much commitment as The Lambs. Here are a few I found recently, and "don't stop believin" as your own SF super group Journey sings it, because we love it, and The Cellar needs your exquisite touch.

Ok it’s Christmas Week and I barely have time to go to the bathroom, so I’m going to try to keep it brief.

Yes, I'm still here, though everybody else has gone to the mall…

I’m going to keep it brief, because I have to go down to the courthouse and sign up for comedy traffic school, so the laughs are all on me in a little bit.

WEAK XVI Preview

Here we are, gentlemen, two weeks to go, and this week should pretty much settle things in the NFC, unless the Lambs run into some incredible luck. Over the in the AFC, nothing is for sure, and the Brownies are in danger of winning AGAIN against the Silver and Blacked Out (Christ-on-a-heated-bench!). That would put the Cheaps in the driver's seat with a week to go. It's gonna be intense- here's some of the news that's been seeping in to the Basement:

Raydurz: Charlie Frye will be starting for the Raydurz in Cleveland- and just like Mr. Cellar and Pittsburgh, this is Charlie's hometown (close, anyway) and his college was Akron (the Zips?) just down the road.

So this begs the question: What is Charlie's mom cooking for the team? There has been no mention in the press.

PLUS, Frye started opening day for the Brownies in 2007 and was TRADED two days later. He is the first NFL opening day starter to get traded so soon. If that doesn't motivate him, the stench off Lake Erie should at least wake him up.

Joshua Cribbs will go nuts against the Raydurz, and Brownies win 3rd straight, always a sign that a team has actually learned something. At least temporarily. Brady Quinn currently worst starting QB in league (Ja-miss-it now THIRD string).

Cheeps: 46 Dropped passes....is that a lot? Not enough! The Cheeps need 8 more drops to tie the Floppers record 54, set in 1992 (first season of recording the stat). But they dropped 10 last week, so with two games to go, they could do it! The Cheeps are doing everything they can to bottom out. (by the way the 49ers Vernon Davis, leading the league in TD receptions, also leads the league in drops with 11).

Lambs: 18th string QB Kyle Boller returned to practice this week, starting out with a rigorous sequence of tiddly-winks, film (Heidi), a push-up, more film (Sound of Music), and clip-board holding. Coach Spatula has not named Null the QB for Sunday's collapse vs. Cards. Not named Null. Null set not named nothing for no contest!

Nils: Safety Jairus Byrd, leading the league in interceptions, is out for the last two games....and the playoffs. Nils should close out with two L's.

Floppers: okay they're out of contention, but really, can they blow another lead, just to nail down their reputation and be deserving of their name? Why not?

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK: Tampa at New Orleans.

STIFF OF THE WEEK: Anything with the Nils in it. Vikes-CareBears likely if Vikes keep up the ultra-fade act. Kittens at 49ers looks like a ONE touchdown game. Although lately these Cellar-type matchups have produced huge numbers.

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK: if I knew what it was , it wouldn't be a shocker.

Oracle from the Basement Weak XVI

Kansas City is making a serious run for the Basement

It's Christmas Day and the once lowly Titanics are the odd-on favorite tonight in an AFC clash with the division-leading San Diego Chargers. Can the Titanics rise from the moldy carpet and the naugahyde barstool and reach respectability with a win over the Bolts?

No.

And here are the Oracle's other predictions for this weak:

Cheeps 3

Bengals 38

Nils 10

Falcons 24

Bootineers 0

Saints 18

Lambs 12

Cardinals 28

Kittens 20

49ers 18

Cowboys 18

Deadskins 21

Raydurz 28

Brownies 9

Gentlemen,. Merry Christmas and make your predictions. May the worst team win!

Browns, Titans, get nod from Vegas

Believe it or not, the Titanics are. the 3 point Vegas oddsmakers' favorite over the Chargers this week.

Raydurz are picked to lose to Brownies who are riding the crest of a two game winning streak.

Other favs:

Fav Spread Underdog
Brownies. 3 Raydurz
Bengals. 13.5. Cheeps
Falcons. 7 Nils
Floppers 3. Texans
Giants 7.5 Pansies
Saints 15 Bootiners
Cards 14 Lambs
49ers 10.5 Kittens
Dallas 3.5 Deadskins


Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Cellar Divsion WEAK XV Wrap-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XV Wrap-Up and Disposal

Ok it’s Christmas Week and I barely have time to go to the bathroom, so

I’m going to try to keep it brief.

BREAK UP THE BROWNIES!!

Brownies 41 Cheaps 34

We shoulda known. You get two teams with defenses that play the Bend-but-don’t-stop-anything format and this is what you should expect. 3 out of the last 4 weeks the Brownies give the NFL the most fun game to watch. WTF!?!

But let’s not get carried away by Joshua Cribbs and Jerome Harrison. We’re not footballs. This is the CELLAR, and the team that gets the credit here is the CHEAPS. Each team fought hard to lose this one, constantly allowing ridiculous amounts of yards to players nobody’s ever heard of (OK we’ve heard of Cribbs in the last 3 weeks), and letting the points rack up. Jim Brown was in the house and I bet he was thinking he could have gone for 400 yards against that defense. It was two prize fight stooges trying to throw the game at every opportunity, and the WORST team won…lost. The Cheaps move into first in the AFC Cellar, something I did not think was going to happen this season. I was sure the Brownies had the culture of losing nailed, and were taking it to the house.

Ha! Watch those two kick-off return TDs by Cribbs- but watch the ‘tackling.’ Wow! Can a team really tackle that wimpy? I think the Cheapettes, or whatever their cheerleaders are called, could have gotten that guy on the ground faster. They could get me on the ground very fast, I’m sure.

LOSER OF THE WEEK

The Cheaps, man. I don’t care if they piled up 491 yards. This was hard work losing this game against a team clearly matching them dumbass defensive play after another.

These guys knuckled down and let the Brownies pull it out in the W column when it looked like they just couldn’t give up any more yards. Way to go guys!!

(runner-up in loser of the week: Chicago CareBears losing 31-7 to the Ravens)

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Deadskins 12, NYG 479

OK OK it was only 45, but after Jason Campbell tossed the worst screen pass in history to Giant DB Thomas at the 14 and he ran it in for a TD to make it 38-6, you could see coach Jim Zorn cleaning out his desk, mentally, as he stood, like a lonely figure slowly twisting in the wind, imperceptibly mumbling into his headset on the Deadskin sideline. Campbell pretty much looked like he was done in D.C. too. What with new GM Bruce Allen (son of George) pacing in the luxury box upstairs, I think he was warming up the ejector button like crazy. Better get some oil on that, Bruce, you’re going to be really busy really soon.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Altanta-Jets game sported 15 punts, but more importantly:

Lambs 13 Texans 16

Still have a guy named Null at QB. It’s perfect, except they have one win. Lambs are taking it to the house. Cardinals next week, followed by 49ers (uh-oh Danger of Victory Index goes up slightly). Lambs are nailing down WORST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. The Lambs stand a-LONE at the top of the Cellar! No matter how bad the other team plays, engaging in a field goal fest, the Lambs can do whatever it takes. Keeping Stephen Jackson under 100 yards being their big focus.

Biggest Deflating Moment (or Flop of the Week, in honor of the Floppers)

Kittens 24, Cardinals 31: Kittens come from 17 down, tie it with 4 minutes left, and then just hand it to Warner and the Cards in the final 2 minutes. In Detroit. Merry Christmas.

But, of course, in Cellar terms, waaaaaaay to go, men! How about a little more rum in your eggnog?

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK

Bootineers beating the Seahags is shocking, but I predicted it, so I’m not shocked.

Raydurz beating the Broncos is VERY Shocking, what with Ja-miss-it winning the game, but you can’t top this:

Pansies 26 Vikings 7

This was shaping up as the stiff of the week, frankly, a Puntfest (15!) and completely crap game from the Vikings offense, and then the defense got tired of the whole thing and just collapsed in the 4^th quarter. Pansies take advantage because Jake Delhomme is not under rump. Honestly, Pansies played great defense, just crushed the Vikes (I watched this one) and it makes you wonder about the purple and gold for the post season, if they can turn in such a stinker in week XV. Back when they wore satiny purple pants and Fran Tarkenton was running up, back, side to side and Jim Marshall was just running the wrong way, they were my favorite team. With Favre back there, for some reason I just want to see a sackfest for the other team. And I got one last night.

LOW END TOTALS FOR WEEK XV

Points: 7 Vikings, Jets, Carebears

First downs: 10 Vikings (Yikes!)

Total yds: 237 Vikes (Yikes!) and Lambs, tie.

Passing: 66 Brownies (Brady Quinn, in victory, still plays like kee-rap)

Rushing: 41 Vikes (Yikes and away!)

Turnovers: 5 Seahags (4 int, 1 fumble)

Penalties: 10 for 84 yds. Steelers

Time of Poss: 22:01 VIKINGS (boy did they play a lousy game.)

aaaaaaaAAAAAAND that’s the view from the BASEMENT!!!

NFL Loses Its Mind

OK the NFL went insane for week XV, with the Brownies, Bootineers and Raydurz all coming away with a win.

Just when it looked like the Boots might take control of the basement, the Seahags decide to play their worst game of the year, puking up the ball for the Boots and literally giving the game away. Even the lowly Lambs almost won today.

It was a tough day for losers.

The Oracle from the Basement Weak XV

Vegas Odds for Weak XV are in and it's gonna be a long day in the red zone for the St. Louis Lambs.

The Oracle from the basement, the lone voice from the red naugahyde stool, has stared into the German mug of flat Olympia beer on the bar and watched the Viceroy smoke trail from the ashtray, and here are this weak's predictions:

Minnesota 28

Carolina 14

New England 56

Buffalo 10

Arizona 38

Detroit 0

Cleveland 10

Kansas City 13

Houston 28

St. Louis 9

Miami 18

Tennessee 21

Oakland12

Denver 14

Tampa Bay 18

Seattle 34

New York 42

Washington 17

Gentleman, make your predictions!

Bills look to keep losing

The season is winding down and the Bills' hopes of taking the Cellar division are fading.

However, this weekend they should have no trouble getting one in the loss column as the New England Patriots are in a chase for the AFC East title with the ex-cellar posers the Miami Floppers, and they are hungry to feast on some nice Buffalo wings with ranch dressing.

The Moldy Carpet is still in your reach, Buffalo!

If you are a Pats fan, this should be a party. If you are a Nils fan...well...enjoy the red naugahyde and stale beer. You guys know a lot about losing.

Hey, OJ was a Nil, right?


Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Interception King

Mark Stafford, still out with his injured shoulder, looks like he may not be able to keep pace with Jay Cutler for the Interception King trophy. Cutler leads the league with 22, but Stafford is only 2 back at 20. With three games to go, he could do it, but he's gonna have to get in the game and start slinging!! However, the RATIO of TDs to Interceptions is much better (worse) for Stafford- 20 picks and 13 TDs to Cutler's 22 and 19.

Somehow, Cutler is playing for a team with a winning record. That's sort of amazing.

You know what's really annoying? All these stat sites will list the LEADERS for categories, like sacks, and then stop at #20. Dude, I wanna know who #29 is!!!! You really have to do some digging if you wanna be in the basement.

SACK KING

Aaron Rodgers has the most sacks, at 48 sacks, but Jamarcus Russell, who is being passed over for the 3rd-string QB Charlie Frye this week, gets sacked most often, once for every 8 attempts. Have ANOTHER donut, Mr. Russell. This guy is just a bust.

Peyton Manning has a brick wall in front of him. He gets sacked once for every 51 attempts.

Touchdown Vacuum

Well, guess who wins here, too? Jamarcus Russell clocks in with .......drum roll please.....TWO TOUCHDOWN passes for the whole damn season. Drew Brees has 32. That's just beyond comprehension. 2 TD passes for 11 games (he did play the 2nd half last week, so I'm counting it.) Gradkowski, withe the same team, got SIX in 2 1/2 games.

The only reason Jamarcus doesn't have the Interception lead is because his throws are SO FAR OFF that nobody but nobody is anywhere near them. Plus, he never gets any first downs, so he just doesn't get the reps!

I rest my case.

Cleveland Browns eye mediocrity

Mike Holmgren is lurking about Brownie headquarters this week so first-year coach Mangini is praying to amass a two-game winning streak by pounding on the hapless Kansas City Cheeps this weekend.

Vegas has these two teams in a computer-model virtual tie, so this should be an exciting game with high stakes.

The cellar gets interesting this time of year as each game has the potential to result in the firing of a coach.

Browns lose 20-21.

WEAK XV MATCH-UPS

Cardinals at Kittens

The Kittens have picked a bad time to play a football game. Sunday. They are looking into playing their game on Friday, and letting the Cardinals take the field on Sunday. Playing on Sunday is for the birds. Should be Blowout of the Week, unless Cardinals continue to reel after Monday night's humiliation at the hands of the Niners. Cardinals by 14

Brownies at Cheaps

Danger of Victory Index just went off the chart for Brownies. Look out for the quagmire in the south end zone. Other than that, not much to worry about, even if you're the Brownies. Brownies use one man for everything: Josh Cribbs- wildcat, return man, special teams tackling, wide receiver....it's working, in a small Brownie Point kinda way, and that's good enough in this matchup. Brownies by 7

Texans at Lambs

Texans are a Jekyll and Hyde team. A Flo and Eddy team. A Spongebob or Squidward team.

Lambs still lose. Lambs run the table and then fall off table, onto the moldy carpet. zzzzzz.

Texans by 10

Bootineers at Seattle

Grant's right- should be the Stiff of the Week. Danger of Victory Index very high for Boots here. Run the ball, Boots. Seahags by 12 (turnover points)

Nils at Pats

Nils won a game because the Cheaps are not to be trifled with when it comes to ingenious ways to give it up. cough it up. hack it up. screw it up. The Patriots don't know this system, and they're 'ex-Kitten/Lamb/Cheap' factor is not high enough. Pats win big. BIG, I tell you. You heard it here first. Pats by 28

Giants at Deadskins

Deadskins also got a win because their culture of losing does not have the breadth and depth and intrenched trench mouth of the Silver and Blacked out. They won't have that kind of luck this weekend. Giants get healthy on the 'Skins. Giants by 6

Raydurz at Broncos

Don't look. Ja-miss-it AND Heywerd-Bey are BAAAAA-AAAACK. Avert your eyes.

Bettie Gradkowski's gone back to Pittsburgh. Just some crumpled up foil casserole dishes are all that's left....half a stuck manicotti there....hey Jamarcus! C'mere! Broncos by 10

SHOCKER OF THE WEAK

O-and -Niners 24 Cardinals 9

I just had to wait a day for the Shocker, and it was my own bumbling boobs, the O-and-Niners, rising off the Moldy Carpet and leveling the Arizona Peyote Buttons at raucous Candlestink Park.

Curt Warner had one his "I'm on Peyote" games, and the Niners 'forced' SEVEN turnovers, scoring all their points (though some were longish drives) thusly. I got to watch this one, as a couple students cancelled, hooray. The Niners sweep the season series with Arizona, and have NO chance to make the playoffs. check out this final schedule scenario:

Niners: Eagles, Lambs, Lions

Cardinals: Lambs, Lions, Packers.

WTF?? We have no chance of catching them.

Just one week after turning in a real stinko against the Seahags by throwing 400 passes, each for 2 yards, they noticed they have this guy named Frank Gore on their team. They shoulda killed the Seahags (Gore got 200 yds first meeting), and 1 play against the Vikings (the last one) and they are 8-5. BUT! They've got Cellar brains in their game plans half the time, so they have to like 6-7. Hey, it keeps them out of the basement, where the slightly funny smell that you can't fully identify (dead mouse? barf? milk? beer? all of the above?) has a way of making you lower your expectations.

Hooray for the Underdog.

Cellar Divsion WEAK XIV Wrap-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XIV Wrap-up and Disposal

Where to start, where to start?

1. If there hadn’t been TWO Cellar head-to-head contests, I think they all would have lost yesterday, that’s how earnest our teams are as we head into the stretch drive for the Moldy Carpet. There is no Shocker of the Week. There was a TON of giving up, laying down, and getting run over going on yesterday, and things are clearly going down to the wire. Piano wire, if you know what I mean.

2. The Biggest Deflating Moment (brand new category)

Mr. Cellar, Raydurz QB Bruce Gradkowski, after leading the Silver and Black to 2-1 record since taking over, tears ACL ligaments in BOTH KNEES, and leaves the game in the second quarter and is likely done for the year. The Raydurz turned to….Jesus-on-a first-down-marker… Ja-miss-it Russell, who simply picked up right where he left off, getting slammed to the turf all day (a little unenthusiastic blocking?), overthrowing wide-open receivers, and commanding no respect in the huddle. Boos reigned down on him all day, and never let up. He is now the new Marc Wilson, who the Raider Nation booed out of town back in the ‘80s. This man is done in Oakland. Who’s the third man?

I did not have the game on the radio (it was of course Silver and Blacked out), but it didn’t matter, because when Gradkowski went down it sucked so much energy out of the Bay Area that my power went off (no kidding), and didn’t come back on until the game was over (not kidding).

And, of course, the Deadskins hammered the Raydurz 34-13. Christ-on-a-pylon.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK

It’s a four way tie, boys. That’s all 4 tires. Somebody call the Cellar Squad and get a man over there with a jack and some rubber. The Boots get blown out by the Jets (I mean, c’mon), the Seahags are humiliated by the Texans….but it’s really between the Golden Girls of the Cellar :

Titans 47 Lambs 7

You want to make sure you’re going to lose, get a quarterback named NULL. I mean, that’s brilliant. How about five interceptions, one for a TD? 10 penalties, including 75 false starts. On the other side- Multiple huge gainers for the Titans, 446 yards on only 19 first downs. I really don’t think the Lambs are gonna make 200 points for the season. Lamb chop, anyone?

Ravens 48 Kittens 3

I’ve always figured ravens would like to kick cats around if they could, and yesterday they got their chance, with boundary markers set up, and nowhere to hide for the Felines. There was so much fur flying, that visibility went down to 10% and they had to set up a medical tent for allergic reactions.

These two teams are GOLD. Kittens hold tie-breaker over Lambs, should the Lambs ever win a game…which they won’t.

LOSER OF THE WEEK

Bootineers 3 Jets 26

Tampa Bay Bootineers! Two weeks in a ROW!!!! Yes!! Another Quart of Stale Pabst and Soggy Kools for Josh (I got it) Freeman. 6 first downs! 5 bungled hand-offs! 4 Interceptions! THREE total points, 2 False Starts! And a Pirate in a Jet engine! On the Fourteenth week of losing, my Bootineers gave to me…

Okay it was only 3 interceptions. These guys are really pressing hard to win the NFC Cellar. But, man, I’m sorry, you’ve got the Lambs to contend with. Good luck with that.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Nils 16 Cheaps 10

The Cheaps are my team, and yesterday I was in their corner, rooting them to defeat. I listened to this entire game (except for moments to regain sanity), and let me just relay a few of the finer points of this gridiron spectacle:

1. Seven turnovers total

2. Cheaps QB Sam Cassell overthrows wide open receiver in end zone on long passes twice. First time, WR loses shoe in quagmire (KC grounds crew, well done, boys) in end zone and misses pass. Second time, pass goes over goal post. Sam, you gotta KICK it to get something for that.

3. Cheaps get turnover, first and goal at the 8. 4 plays later, they are at the 9, having run a QB roll out on 4^th and inches. Excellent play calling!

4. Both teams throw end zone interceptions, one at POINT BLANK range.

5. KC Tight End Chambers drops pass at Nils 5 with 3 minutes to go. Would have scored. Next play INT. Final drive ends in INT Hail Mary, which I’m sure is how they drew it up, with yours truly nail-biting furiously.

The Cheaps are still in the HUNT! Yes!! And guess what’s on the card for next week?

MASSIVE CELLAR MATCH-UP COMING UP

CHEAPS-BROWNIES!!!!!!!!!!! It’s for ALL the Marbles in the AFC (though the Browines get the Raydurz, too, and man Danger-of-Victory index just went way up.

LOW END TOTALS FOR THE WEEK

Points: 3 Bootineers

First downs: 6 Bootineers

Total yards: 124 Bootineers

Passing: 73 Nils

Rushing: 43 Boots

Turnovers: 5 Lambs

Penalties: 13- 109 CareBears

Yards given up: Kittens 548

Time of Poss: 25:54, Boots. Actually, the Jags clock in slightly less, but I post this because I don’t know how you get only 6 first downs, but hold onto the ball for 25 minutes? Confusion?

aaaaaaAAAAAAAND that’s the View from the BASEMENT!!

Everybody's on the Bandwagon

This important message from wackoworld:

Westwood 1, the radio sports network, will have the Bills-Chiefs
game on the radio tomorrow morning here.

Clearly, the Cellar Division culture is spreading, gentlemen. I
can think of no other earthly reason, other than the far-reaching
influence of the Cellar Division, for this game to be the FEATURED
morning NFL radio broadcast tomorrow.

They understand that this has the potential to not just be the Stiff
of the Week, but the Stiff of the Year.

I hope they got our names right when they mention us.

-Erik

p.s. I'll be tuning in on my transistor.



Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

As the Turkey Spins

NFL week XIV picks time is upon us. The worst in the NFL are going down to the wire, which is stretched across the top of the steps to the Basement. Who will trip and take a header to the cellar floor this week?

Two Cellar matchups this week, three if you count the Pitts and Brownies on Dec. 10. Should be a great week!

The Basement Oracle has spun the semi-frozen turkey and divined the following predictions (and a lot of games will be close, except for the Kittens):

Kittens 9
Ravens 28

Lambs 10
Titanics 17

Deadskins 20
Raydurz 17 (OT)

Jets 17
Bootineers 10

Nils 21
Cheeps 20

Make your predictions!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Daunte Culpepper sighting

Looks like Daunte Culpepper is starting for the Kittens this week, as Stafford's shoulder still hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.

I have no idea what this does to their Danger-of-Victory index. He's probably stiff-kneed and can't get out of the way of banana slugs. but really, I don't know and it's the wild card for Detroit this week. Ravens can blitz with the best of them.

Blitz-fest 2009.

Ravens 17

Kittens 0

Match of the Week

This has got to be the cellar game of the week. Raydurz feelin' good from last week's surprise victory and Deadskins are playinf better football these days-- And they hate each other!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The Moldy Carpet in Doubt

Uh, oh, look out, The Titanics' Vince Young has aggravated his knee injury! Looks doubtful for Sunday's battle against the Lambs. Lambs danger of victory index is increasing. Bucs could plummet into first!

On the other side of the league, the Cheaps have pulled within a game of the Brownies, only to have the Nils pull into town. Chiefs and Buffaloes.....doesn't look good for KC's title chances all of a sudden. Man, they are going to have to pull out all the stops. Literally, DON'T make any STOPS.

The Worst Team in the NFL

Brownies Win! Brownies Win! Brownies Win!!!!!

Cleveland 13, Pittsburgh 6

The Pittsburgh Steelers, the Cellar Division's best friend, stumble out of the playoffs in Cleveland as the Brownies sack Big Ben EIGHT times, turn Josh Cribbs loose, outgain the Steelers, and score a rushing TD for the FIRST TIME THIS SEASON. And we thought it couldn't happen in our lifetimes. Brownies win for the first time in 11 tries at home (a franchise record 10 losses).

Whew!

The Steel Curtainrods have now lost to the Cubs, the Cheaps, the Raydurz, and now the lowliest of the lowly, the Cleveland Brownies. The are LOST in the Bonehead Forest, boys, and they won't be finding the playoffs this year.

Stunning. Jimbo, you better worry, because the Brownies could beat the Cheaps! (though, I do think you are in the clear on the Lambs. They are not going to beat anybody).

Cheaps are only a game back, now. Game ON.

Thursday Night Oracle

Whoa, it be Thursday night already and the game is on. Who will win? The Steelers are reeling, their confidence is broken, they are scared, even of the Brownies. Is their moment to get off the turf and clock the Lynn Swann dive Steelers?

Not, but almost.

Steelers 28
Brownies 23
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Weak XIV Match-Ups

Yes, Raydurz, you won

Yes, I'm still here, though everybody else has gone to the mall, and has been hypnotized by the 25 songs of Christmas that you will be assaulted with until completely numb and empty headed, which is followed by empty pocketed.

Bah Humbug, indeed! Jim Carrey pretty good in A Christmas Carol, though Alan Silvestri turns in one of his most shlocky soundtracks. And this from a premier shlockmeister of Hollywood.

Look up his Filmography sometime. He decided to go for 'wonder' for the entire film, even when the specter of death is tossing Scrooge into the grave. Let's put some sparkle on that!!

Christ on a fence post.

Isn't this IMDB?? I'M in Da Basement? no?

This week's Match-Ups (just light them on the corners and they go up, and down, in flames in seconds):

Thursday:

Pittsburgh at Brownies

Steel Curtainrod meets the Clumps from Cleveland- Pittsburgh working on 4 losses in a row, and completely reeling after getting out-rallied by the Raydurz. C'mon guys, go for two in a row to the Cellar. Cleveland still the worst team in football.

Oops, Skins don't know who they are. Maybe that's the problem.

Deadskins at Raydurz- we have an all-Cellar matchup! Can the Raydurz follow the pattern, and put up a total stinker after a win? Deadskins still can't believe they lost, and really really can't believe they are in the Cellar and have only 3 wins in the 14th week.

Jets at Tampa Bay- Bucs in danger of winning a game here. Jets don't have Sanchez, so the hot dog stand won't make the trip. Jets can put up a stinker with the best of them, but Bucs have Josh Freeman at QB, and he can lose the game all by himself, thanks.

Kittens at Baltimore- Kittens quietly going about their business of losing. Not flashy, no spectacular flame-outs, just good, consistent failure. It's their culture. Kittens will not score.

Nils at Cheaps- another all-Cellar, in all probability the Stiff of the Week. But statistical categories will get padded, because, well, they going to share and share alike here.

Lambs at Tennessee- If this isn't Blowout of the Week, then I'll eat my Homburg (though Packers at Cubs looks like a massacre from here).

Well, that's it, gang- there's only 8 teams left in the league (though our composite score still counts for our ultimate title). But I'm not writing about what some 5-7 team is going to do. I might as well write about the Niners then.

It's 38 degrees outside in San Francisco. Time for a plate of spaghetti. I want Christmas in Rome, but this time we go INSIDE the Vatican on Xmas Eve. Lasagna Xmas day, whaddya say?

-Erik

Cellar Divsion WEAK XIII Warp-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XIII Wrap-up and Disposal

It was almost Upset Weekend Yesterday, as many of our Cellar brethren have realized the end is nigh, and maybe they really do want to win a game before they all get cut and find themselves in the WFL playing for the California Redwoods next year.

The Deadskins blow a game (Blow Job of the Week?) they should have won against the Fat Boys from N’awlins, the Floppers stop blowing games for once and edge the Pats in a thriller (the Pats should NOT ever wear their throwback unis, it just makes Pat Brady’s neck look long- if you know what I mean), and the RAYDURZ turn in the Shocker of the Week, and maybe the season, exploding for 21 points in the 4^th quarter and taking Three Rivers back to the days of the Snake and wild finishes.

More about that in a second but first:

The Lambs are still in first in the NFC, with the Boots hot on their tails, only points behind. Kittens still keeping pace, in case somebody slips up.

The Brownies are almost unstoppable now, but the Cheaps are staying within hailing distance, 2 games back with the head to head just a couple weeks away. They still have a chance.

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK!

Raydurz 27 Steelers 24

Mr. Cellar (Bruce Gradkowski) returns to his hometown, his mom makes dinner for the whole team on Saturday, seriously carbo-loading these guys, and the stuffed manicotti kicks in in the fourth quarter, where the O-line finds the extra cheese to stick to a Steeler jersey, and Mr. Cellar repeatedly slips out of the grasp of drive-killing sacks. Gradkowski throws THREE touchdown passes in a wild 4^th quarter, the first time that has happened in Raider nation since Ken Stabler was at the helm. And you know what? He played just like the Snake. Scramblin’, total command in the huddle, throwing up nuts passes that somehow found the right hands, and just generally playing out of his mind.

Grep Papa, the Raydurz play-by-play man, yelled himself hoarse and did an excellent imitation of the famed soccer announcer Andres Cantor on the final touchdown- Raydur TOUCH-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!!!!!

He and analyst Tom Flores must have been hugging in the booth, because they sounded like they were going to cry, it had been so long since they’d been at a game that felt that good. Can you imagine being the announcer for ALL THESE YEARS of futility? Papa’s done them all.

Ok enough highs, on to the misery!

LOSER OF THE WEEK

Tampa Bay Bootineers (with a nod to the Nils, who are really trying for the Stale Pabst, but the Boots lost with a lot more style this week)

Boots 6, Pansies 16

Faced with the almost Herculean task of staying with the Lambs in the NFC Cellar, theBoots turn in a game where they amass 469 total yards, but still score only SIX points, falling to the always game-for-a-loss Carolina Pansies. This kind of performance takes determination and grit. You can’t fake this kind of losing. How DID they do it?

Try 5 interceptions. Why punt when you can just throw it to the other guys? QB Josh Freeman did stellar special teams work, making sure he was DEEP in Pansy territory before hitting the ‘coffin corner’on 3 of the picks. Freeman was presented with the Stale Quart of Pabst and, by his own request, Kool Milds floating in the backwash.

This was the kind of game where if you score 1 touchdown, you win. The Pansies got it in the 1^st quarter, and there’s your ballgame.

Way to GO, BOOTS! Keep up the pressure on those Lambs..

And speaking of the Lambs-

STIFF OF THE WEEK!

Cubs 17 Lambs 9

This is one of the worst games of the year! Here take it! No, you take it! No, no, I insist, you go first!! FOURTEEN punts (with a two team TOTAL of 57 return yards- Jesus on a light bulb)! The two teams tie with 14 first downs each. Jay Cutler throws for 131 yards in the first quarter…and ends up with 128!! The Lambs manage only 98 yards passing. These guys are now leading the league in fewest points, 139, and have a serious opportunity to not clear 200. This is an extreme rarity, dating back to Joan Collin’s first face-lift. Lambs are definitely the team to beat in the Cellar, and if you think you stink, you play the Lambs and find out you’re at least chopped liver and you put up a W you don’t deserve. Wonder how many fans never left the tailgate at this one. Thanks GUYS!

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Cheaps 13 Broncos 44

The Cheaps do it two weeks in a row at almost the exact same score (43-14 last week), and show the other guys how to stay in the hunt for the AFC cellar. We all got faked out and thought the Brownies were going to be the starlings of the week, but I guess Brady Quinn has finally learned that ‘pass play’ doesn’t mean the same as ‘pass’ in bridge. Hence the 1 step drops and the bullet over the head of the WR standing 3 yards behind the line of scrimmage has stopped being their featured play. Brownies are in danger of winning a game, guys, and it’s either next week against the Nils, or Weak XV against these Cheaps, who seem to be, somehow, spiraling downward from their lofty perch of just bad enough to lose to swiss cheese defense.

Cheaps remain just 2 games back. I don’t think they will be winning another game.

Funny thing about the Cheaps is, they don’t turn the ball over a lot, they don’t commit a lot of dumb penalties, they just have the wimpiest offense, and a defense that is tired and giving up now. Here they come!

OK time for STATISTICAL TRAILERS OF THE WEEK!

Points: 6 Bootineers

First downs: 10 Nils

Total Yards: 194 Nils (the Cubs and Lambs played each other, so they were forced to go over 200)

Passing: 71 Nils

Rushing: 45 Cowboys (hey!)

Turnovers: 5 Bootineers

Penalties: 9- 70 yards Bungles

Time of Poss.: 21:12 Kittens (really it’s the Giants, by two seconds, but they Won, so what good did it do them?)

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!

Weak XIII Run-up...the score

Preview for Weak XIII:

Okay, it's not really a preview, you guys are already ahead of me this Weak.

some thoughts;

Cubs may be worse than the Lambs, but the Lambs have shown, time and again, that they are up to the challenge- except, of course, if you play the Kittens- and then, of course, if you play the Brownies you've been one-upped...downed. Lambs are running the table. They are taking it to the house. They will out-stink the Cubbie-wubbies for 60 minutes of ass-bad football.

but wait a minute...hold on...the Bears give up, on average, more yards rushing than the Lambs are averaging, and that's the Lambs forte!! the Bears have the WORST rushing attack in the NFL (85 per game) and a Time Bomb for a quarterback.

Lambs WIN Lambs WIN Lambs WIN.

14-10 TWO touchdowns. I'm going waaaaaay out on a limb.

ELSEWHERE: Raydur fans (25,000 of them) pitched in and bought a billboard near Mt. Davis, asking Please Al, PLEEEEEEEEASE hire a GM. Unfortunately, Al misread it and said OK, and and went shopping for a Chevy.

he bought a Camar0- sleek, fast, and no hands. silver and black of course. Can you imagine what the inside of his house looks like?

Saints will have a letdown after last week's psychedelic moment, and win only by 25.

28-3

Chargers 117

Brownies 0 (halftime score)

aaaaaaAAAND that's the view from the....Hey! Who turned out the lights?!

The Oracle from the Basement Weak XIII

Wow, too much Civil War football going on for the Oracle to even care that the battle for NY and the rights to the bottom of Lake Eerie were on the line as the Nils and the Jets did their best to play worse than the other team. But, no prediction was necessary as the entire world should have known that the Nils would fall to the Jets, playing a miserable game and being nearly shut out in the second half while the Jets sputtered to victory on one engine three field goals. Good enough to beat the Nils, but as the Oregon State Beavers found out last night, not enough to beat the Oregon Ducks.

But I digress again....

The frozen turkey is spinning, and it's starting to thaw as the garage is not quite cold enough these days, and here are the Oracle's predictions for this week's run to the Moldy Carpet:

Bootineers 14
Pansies 24
(Pansies stink, but the Boots' socks stink more)

Lambs 13
Cubs (Bears) 10
(Yes, that's right, the Lambs win as the Bears are worse right now)

Lions 17
Bengals 24

Broncos 24
Cheaps 3

Raydurz 10
Steelers 30

Saints 42
Deadskins 12

Patriots 21
Floppers 17
(Floppers might actually win this one, they are so unstable!)

Chargers 48
Brownies 0

Gentleman, trash your talk and make your predictions!

Tonight's Descent into Lake Erie

It's the battle for New York...wait, no, Canada! Nobody in Buffalo wanted to see this game, so they took it upwind to Toronto. Think the Nils are bad enough to keep their hold on the basement? Of course! This is the team that gave the Brownies their ONLY victory. They are last in the league against the run, and since the Jets are second in rushing, I see holes opening up in Buffalo big enough to run a 747 through, complete with dinner service.

But! The Nils WON in the last time these grizzled gridiron grouches met, 16-13 (OT). Mark Sanchez threw SIX interceptions in that game, and the Jets committed 14 penalties. God, that's ugly. Cellar ugly. Terrible Beauty.

The Jets can't play that bad again, can they?? Why not?

Sounds like 45 rushes for the Jets, 7 first downs for the Bills, and the usual barrage of field goals, and maybe 1 touchdown somewhere on the field during the game. I will give it to the Jets.

Jets 13 Bills 9

and whatever you do, don't watch this, watch the DUCKS dismantle the BEAVERS in the UN-Civil War up in Oregon tonight!

Cleveland Brownies Eyeing the Championship

Browns fans are on life support, or is that beer support?

The Cleveland Brownies championship hopes are alive and well as the Moldy Carpet trophy looms on the NFL horizon. This week they face the Chargers, which means they will be face down in the mud most of the game.

The last time Cleveland was this close to a championship was 1959 against a team that is now their nemesis for the Cellar championship and a trip to the Toilet Bowl: the Detroit Kittens.

Remember the Dirty Dozen? Remember Jim Brown's dash for cover as the grenades blew the roof off the Nazi Chateau and the machine guns blared? Remember how he didn't make it? Keep that image in mind as you watch the Brownies this weekend.