The Doormat Division Weak XV Wrap UP, Disposal and Burn

The Doormat Division Weak XV Wrap Up, Disposal, and BURN

Ooohhh, my head. It’s Xmas party weekend and …oh wait, it’s Monday? If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about yesterday’s gridiron heroes, well, I got pretty waxed myself last night, so we’ll just see if…just a sec, I think the instant coffee from Friday is boiling kinda hard on the grill outside. It’s probably ready……

Ahhh! Now that’s what I call an eye-opener.

Here we are, arriving at the doorstep of the final, brutal, hard fought weeks of the NFL season, and everybody came out swinging- and the Doormat Division did not take the week off, either. How could it? It’s MONEY time.

Break up the Kittens

KITTENS 23, Buccaneers 20 (ot)

The Detroit Lions have done the unimaginable. They have won a road game. Just a week after ending the longest string of losses against divisional opponents, the Kittens close the book on another incredible achievement, the longest all time losing streak on the road in NFL history (a mark previously held by the…Detroit Lions). Winning their first game since Dec. 21^st, 1638, which is, of course, also the last time the winter solstice, a full moon, and a total lunar eclipse took place, the Kittens clawed their way to victory over a Tampa Bay team that had no idea they were going to be playing a real football team yesterday. “But you said Detroit was coming to town!” Break out some Cranberry-Mango-Frittata juice and celebrate! The Lions now are a complete longshot to win the NFC Moldy Carpet.

NFC WORST UPDATE

By now everybody can smell the moldy carpet on this division. Wow.

The official Basement prediction is whoever ‘wins’ the NFC West, and that will be decided in Seattle on January 2^nd, will make it all the way to the NFC Championship and come within, oh say, 43 points of being competitive in that contest.

Guaranteed best anybody can do is 8-8, and THAT isn’t going to happen.

I hereby proclaim that we will have our first 7-9 division winner in NFL history, but who that will be is completely up for grabs. The 0-4ers are the longshot, only one “L” away from the magic ten, but have the Lambs and the spectacular Arizona Crudinals for their last two games. I say 6-10 for the biggest bust in the NFC this year.

Lambs 13, Cheaps 27

8 punts, 2 INT, 14 first downs, 3 yard avg. per play. Just crawling up and down the field in this field goal party at Arrowhead. Lambs, if they ever win again, have to get one against either the 0-4ers or Seahags. I say 7-9 finish.

Seahags 18, Falcons 34

Falcons dunked the Hags in the Puget Sound all afternoon, leaving them beached in a tangle of seaweed and kelp, and with two games to go, the Hags have to face Tampa Bay on the road and the Lambs at home. Hags will lose to Tampa, and beat the Lambs at home on the final game of the year, finishing 7-9.

Who will win this division? Do we need divisional play tie-breaker to determine the champ? If so, then the Hags take it with…WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? The undisputed champeens of this Division are the Arizona Crudinals, good grief DUH.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Pansies 19, Crudinals 12

Carolina clears 300 yards of offense! That might be a first this year! Crudinals score only touchdown on fumble recovery in end zone. Otherwise, that stalwart Pansy defense held lost boys of the high desert in check all afternoon. Who’s your daddy? You know what? Nothing happened in this game. But, the Pansies, being completely inept, can’t even clinch the NFC Moldy Carpet trophy just yet! They can’t win for losing…or lose for winning…or..

THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET

Here come the Donkey-Buncs!!!!!

Donkey-Buncs 23, Raydurz 39

Despite being staked to two touchdowns by the Raydurz, the Buncos are in reverse and stepping on it so hard, it doesn’t matter. Nobody can lose to these guys. The Crudinals BLEW THESE GUYS OUT LAST WEEK. Think about it. With two games to go, Denver finds themselves TIED FOR FIRST in the Doormat AFC. That’s myyyyy team.

Bungles 19, Brownies 17

I knew it. The Brownies just can’t leave the Doormat Division behind. Staging this week’s perfect Futile Comeback, the Brownies push the ball over the goal line with 2:13 to go, leaving the Bungles with no choice but to run the clock out and win the game, thus plunging them into a tie with Denver, and keeping Buffalo just one game out of the lead.

This is going down to the last week.

Nils 17, Fins 14

Stiff #2 of the week. I’ve noticed the Dolphins get involved in an inordinate number stiff, or stiff-worthy games. Bills blow golden opportunity to pull into tie for AFC lead.

Nils keep themselves under 15 first downs, but only 1 turnover and got only sacked twice, so awfully hard to lose a game with those kind of stats.

OK: Final Games Ladies,

Denver: Texans, Chargers

Buffalo: Patriots, Jets

Bungles: Chargers, Ravens

Hmmm. Nils can’t beat either of those teams, unless the Patriots decide to rest the entire team, and the Jets are still in Brooklyn, partying their brains out right up until game-time, and Mark Sanchez gets busted propositioning a draq-queen hooker). Bungles will get pulverized by both the Bolts and the Edgar Allan Poes (though the Ravens ARE one of the Bungles wins),

And the Donkey-Buncs are in danger of winning a game against the Texans, though, honestly at this point I don’t know if they can win a game of Mouse Trap. And they’re going to need a Rube Goldberg device to have any chance at all.

The Bungles lost to the Nils, and Denver hasn’t played either of those teams, so it’s going to be INSANE these next two weeks watching to see which team can really keep the Doormat standards intact. It takes planning from the TOP DOWN to win the Moldy Carpet, so base your predictions on how the whole organization is prepping for these last two games. Remember, it’s the coaching that makes all the difference.

Sez here it comes down to a tie-breaker between the Bungles and the Dunco-Bonks.

It’s going to be a slug-fest of ducking, fumbling, bumbling, and just plain stumbling here in the Basement, and we’ll be right on top of the news.

THIS WEEK’S FUTILITY METER

Sorry, nobody can touch that Cheaps game last week, wow.

Points: 7 0-4-9ers yes!

First Downs 9 Donkey-Buncs

Yards 192 0-4-9ers yes again!!

Rush 27 Saints

Pass 126 Pansies

Turnovers 3 Deadskins, Eagles

Sacks 6 0-4-9ers Yes yes!!!

aaAAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!