Doormat Division Weak XIV Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Weak XIV Wrap-up and Disposal

Only 14 more shopping days until the end of the season. What do you give a Doormat that has everything?

Well, duh!

THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET

NFC

Pansies 10, Falcons 31

The Pansies fumble on their first play from scrimmage! Touchdown, Falcons. The Pansies stage a Puntfest for the rest of the first half! 17-0. It was cold, wet, and half-empty for the Masochist’s Club meeting at Bank of America Interest Hike Stadium yesterday, and when you have that much teal exposed on a lousy day, it’s depressing.

The Pansies are in the driver’s seat, but the Kittens, even though they won yesterday (they did their best, but came up short), can still win it…but Carolina would have to win 2 games. Ha.

The usual: 1 touchdown, 5 sacks, at least 2 turnovers, under 100 yards passing, and infighting right down to the water boy. These guys are not just not on the same page, they can’t agree on the book.

With only 164 points on the season, you may ask, is that a record or something? NO!

The Atlanta Falcons clocked in one fine season with an 8-point average per game. Pansies not even close with a 12.6 point average. They have to get shut out for the last three games to get to 10.25, even.

AFC

Bungles 7, Steelers 23

AFC leader Cincinnati (2-12) continues phenomenal push to crown with 10^th straight loss. Carson Palmer keeps taking care of business, with three INTs, and the Bungles do get to count this as a Come-from-Ahead game, since they led 7-0.

Nils 13, Brownies 6

Nils host the biggest bumblefest of the year by the Brownies, who just like we thought cannot shake off the Doormat Aura just YET. On one possession alone, they fumbled THREE times!! Somehow they recovered every time. What else did the Brownies do?

Did not cross 50 yard line entire second half. Fumbled back the ball after recovering a fumble (true Doormat play). 2-10 on third down, when they got that far. 9 First downs.

The Nils, once 0-8, are now 3-10 and have to lose out the season and the Bungles have to win at least ONE game to have a shot at the Moldy Carpet. They Bungles get CLEVELAND next week in Bunglonia, so watch out!!

Buncos 13, Crudinals 43 (Blowout of the Week)

Let’s not forget the Denver Donkey-Buncos (3-10), who just put the pedal to metal yesterday, and still have a shot at the championship. Faced with playing the worst of the NFC Worst, the Buncos were not intimidated, starting prep early in the week by firing their coach (who also CALLED THE PLAYS), turning over the ball SIX times, going 3-15 on 3^rd down, with Kyle Orton taking this week’s honors for worst passer (27.1). These guys, the dark horse all season, just might be taking it to the house.

The Crudinals won the game by claiming Derek Anderson has a concussion and breaking out secret weapon Jay Feely, who scored 22 points (including a touchdown run), and suddenly find themselves nearly out of Moldy Carpet contention. But…..

NFC WORST UPDATE

The Dream is still alive! Everybody’s safely back under .500!! Never before have we gone this late in the season with an ALL-losing record Division. It can be done!!

0-4-9ers 40, Seahags 21

Definitely the ‘didn’t see that coming’ Game of the Weak. But we shoulda known- the SeaHags are terrible on the road. Matt Hasselbeck takes care of blowing the game on his own, throwing 4 INTs, and the 0-4ers score every time. The 0-4ers got only 10 first downs, but who needs them when you are ripping off 30-50 yards every other play the whole first half? 0-4ers still have a chance to actually WIN this division- NFC Worst, I mean, which is hilarious. It’s hard to win the Moldy Carpet when everybody in your division has similar goals.

Lambs 13, Saints 31

Look, Mom, it’s an anagram score! Lambs 6-7 and STILL in FIRST. Love it.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Lotta competition for this- Is it Bills-Browns? Lions-Packers? Or….Dolphins-Jets?

Lions-Packers: 1 TD, 1 fg. 28 first downs. 16 punts. 5 turnovers. Lions zero yards passing first half. Lions break 20 game losing streak to NFC north division opponents. They sure have a lot of streaks going on, don’t they? Also, I gotta say, WHY would you let the Yikings, who just beat you in the most embarrassing way, at home, come and play in your stadium? Well, it must be $, but you know what? I don't know, but the Vikings call me with their deflated dome whine, and I tell them I just can't cancel the flea market.

Dophins- Jets: 1 TD, 3 FG, Dolphins only 6 first downs..20 total. 5 turnovers, 18 punts. 30 yards passing total for Fins.

I’m giving it to the Dolphins-Jets. Jets are supposed to be good and they play a total stiff a week after getting their cans kicked. AT HOME. What are the good people of Queens supposed to think? “Same old Jets” , I imagine.

Special Mention: The Kansas City Cheaps turn in possibly the worst performance of the year by any team, especially one with playoff aspirations. See below.

THIS WEEK’S FUTILITY METER:

Points: 0 Cheaps

First downs 5 Cheaps

Total yds: 67 Cheaps (season low, easily)

Rushing 47 Bears (Cheaps 48)

Pass 19 Cheaps (1 yard per pass only, please)

Turnovers 98 Buncos

3^rd down 0-11 Cheaps

Punts: 10 Yikings (not enough turnovers, gotta work on that)

Penalties 10-71 Yikings

Time of poss: 19:50 Cheaps!

aaaAAAAAnd That’s the view from the Basement!!