Doormat Division Week XVI Preview!

Doormat Division Week XVI Preview

Pretty quiet here in the Basement this morning. Just me and the possum that’s in here somewhere after somebody left the sliding door to the patio open all night long. The little space heater has it all the way up to 44º, so I can’t complain. And neither can my hairless friend. That doesn’t actually distinguish a possum from a person, do it? His diet doesn’t, either. Speaking of playing possum…

Pansies 3, Steelers 27

Getting a leg up on the rest of the Division on a Thursday, and the only doormat that gets to properly relax on Christmas Day (these guys are so on top of it), the Carolina Pansies put up the kind of numbers that should hold up on the Futility Meter by next Monday.

The real score in this game is 270-3, but the zero was taken off as a math-ratio-rounding deal. No touchdown. 7 first downs. 119 yards total offense. 8 punts. 2 turnovers. 33 passer rating. 3-13 on 3^rd down (Steelers 4-12). Somehow the Pansies managed 24:36 time of possession, which indicates just how slovenly they were about getting up to the line. Does Carolina even have wide receivers? What is Steve Smith doing out there? Holding a bridge club with the 3 guys covering him? Somebody’s got to be open. Somebody better be open later tonight when I do my shopping, that’s for sure. I DID get the tree, though. Purple aluminum with 32 (nfl-themed) pine-scented air fresheners. I think it lends a…

Wait a minute, I think the possum’s getting into the 15 lb bag of corn chips, I’m not sure he knows where the guacamole is, better check it out…

The Doormat Christmas Lineup:

Cowpies at Crudinals: Not as big a comedy of errors as wherever Denver is playing, but wow this has to be a mess of a game. Cowpies playing better, but can still get 10 losses. Not against these guys they won’t. Two division winners from last year, sharing guacamole with a possum.

0-4-9ers at Lambs: Huge battle for the NFC Worst crown! Playoffs hang in the balance! All eyes on St. Louis and everybody’s got bait-breath!! Stay out of the worm bucket, OK? This is as close to having a NFL game scripted by Moliere or Voltaire or the Marx Brothers as we’re going to come. The tragi-comic potential is completely off the meter, here. Lambs should win this, but with those script writers, who knows.

Pats at Nils: It’s gonna be closer than people think. It could be 35-10. Or 28-7. Or somebody just call Mr. Plow and throw the whole thing into the…but wait! Could Ryan Fitzpatrick play the game of his life? Is it living when you play for the Nils? These guys had a chance at tying for the Doormat lead last week, and blew it. Pats roll.

Ravens at Brownies: Brownie-bake-sale again in Cleveland. Cold, frozen brownies. The guys with no logo (a brown square is my suggestion, with a few crumbs nearby) go for loss #10, and they will get it. Brownies start with bake sale, end up hamburger.

Kittens at Miami: Time to start a new streak- and that’s either going for 28 losses in a row on the road (taking them into the next century) or going for, I can’t believe I’m writing this…THREE WINS IN A ROW. As you know, 3-in-a-row is the big red flag of Doormat life coming to an end. The Raydurz did it this year, the Cheaps did it. But, the Kittens already have their 10 losses, so their Doormat cred is safe for another year. But this one is going to be tough to lose. Miami brings boredom and pathos to a game like nobody else in a warm climate can. Kittens win?

Texans at Donkey-Bunco-binky-bonks: The bumblingest team in the NFL hosts the Houston Texans. Everybody else at the doormat bottom won last week except for these guys. They are focused, fierce, flailing, flopping, fumbling. They’re going for the Moldy Carpet, people. They just may get it.

Chargers at Bungles: except the Bungles have to play the Chargers, and Denver has to lose twice to match this. Chargers playing extremely well. Let’s see if they can do that in Bunglonia, where everybody plays extremely poorly.

SeaHags at Tampa Bay: I don’t’ think the SeaHags can win a game on the road, right? Even with the division title there for the taking? SeaHags stay on course for NFC Worst All-Losing-Record accomplishment, boot this game, and win next week against Lambs to take the division.

The possum’s going outside… I hope he put away the guac.