NFL Doormat Division Week XVI Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Week XVI Wrap-Up and Drop Kick into….

World Turned Upside Down!

Sorry I’m late with this, I fell asleep during the Laughing Clown Malt Liquor Bowl and boy did I wake up with a jolt. Or maybe that was the bare wires and the squishy carpet. The Zenith was showing nothing but snow when I woke up, so knew I was in another dimension.

Donkey-Buncos WIN. Crudinals WIN (Cowpies lose!). Bungles WIN (two in a row!!!). Nils….okay okay. But Detroit. The LIONS. Excuse me, I gotta clear my throat for this:

DETROIT LIONS WIN….THREE….IN…A…ROW!!!

Lions 34, Floppers 27

Break out the peppermint schnapps and fire up the ’74 deVille!!! Put on a stack of Motown records a MILE HIGH!! The Motor City is back in business. Not only have the Lions done the Doormat pull-up out of the Basement (3 in a row), they win their second in a row on the ROAD, which has not happened since the Harding administration. I bet you don’t even know who that IS. Or WHEN. The Lions score 17 points in the final 4:36, against all odds, and WIN the game. The Fins, in a flurry of turnovers, just out-doormatted them, hands down, and get themselves under .500 with just a game to go. Unfortunately, Miami has begun their slide too late and cannot get the magic 10 losses.

Does this mean the Lions, the most consistently hapless NFL franchise for decades, are going to be a team to be reckoned with next year OUTSIDE the Doormat Div.? Well, ask the Brownies. They won 4 in a row to close out last year, and yesterday they nailed down their 10^th loss. So, in a word…NO. It means absolutely NOTHING.

But who cares? Break out the motor oil, cut cookies in the vacant lot next door, start a bonfire in the street with a pile of abandoned Ford Fiestas and Chevy Cavaliers! The sun is shining, figuratively, in Detroit. Congratulations, you long suffering Kat Box faithful, your team has positioned itself for next week’s total beat-down of the Minnesota Yikings, the #1 wuss-meisters in the NFL.

Yikings -0, Eagles -0

Good grief. This has to be the Yikings making the call on this one after last week’s freeze-bomb at Gopher Hole stadium. Pennsylvania’s governor was not happy. We agree- get out there in the snow and play you bunch of pansies! Somebody ask Carl Eller what he thinks. Who cares if the wind is blowing 40mph and the visibility is zero from the 3^rd row. Do you think anybody actually wants to see this game with no obstructions? Just take your 10^th loss like men, and relax in the barcalounger in the Basement.

NFC WORST UPDATE

By God, and anybody else you want to invoke, it’s gonna happen. We are going to have a division champion with a losing record. You just watch.

0-4-9ers 17, Lambs 25

Ready…aim…FIRE!!! Voltaire and Marx Bros. team up on the script for this one, and Mike Singletary gets the juiciest lines and finds himself, yet again, in a sideline argument with a QB that has to be broken up by a wide receiver and 3-4 other bored teammates. I just…it’s all…this team may have 5 victories but WOW is this top-down ineptitude. Jed York FINALLY fires coach Single-minded with one game to go. Why? Who cares? What is wrong with you? Do you know that the 0-4ers don’t even have a General Manager? Will they even have an NFL team next year? Stanford could beat these guys.

Seahags 15, Buccaneers 38

Pulling the kind of tank job only a team with a vision can create, the Hags play terrible D, and the O-line does the jello wiggle and falls down. Tampa Bay, with a shred of hope for a playoff spot, recognizes the Seattle plan for next week’s showdown with St. Louis, and takes the game in a blaze of competence.

Next week’s ridiculous game between the HAGS and the LAMBS, in Seattle, has been moved to prime time so everyone, everybody, all the little children, can watch history in the making as the Hags will pull out the win at home, end up tied with the Lambs, and take the Division Crown at 7-9. Be there next Sunday- 5pm. The Doormat Division should get an analyst on the haltime show, if they had any sense over there in TV-land.

The Run to the Moldy Carpet

NFC

The Carolina Pansies clinch the NFC with Thursday’s loss, and everybody else’s bonehead wins yesterday. Not only that, but Pansies can keep under 200 points scored AND achieve a +200 point differential next week in Atlanta, which seems very doable.

Congratulations, Carolina, and may I say, the Pansy wallpaper is looking goooooood here in the basement. Their only real threat were the Arizona Crudinals, but…

Cowpies 26, Crudinals 27

The Cruds couldn’t help it. Derek Anderson got a concussion and they threw John Skelton out there and OMG he’s competent. You are not getting the Moldy Crown if you have a QB who doesn’t make at least 7-8 real bonehead mistakes a game. Derek Anderson was going to set the record for lowest passer rating for a full season in NFL history. Now it’s all wasted effort, and the Cruds win a game that normally they would lose. But oh, gosh it feels good to award the coveted 10^th loss to the Cowpies. They couldn’t be more deserving, don’t you think? Welcome to the club, America’s (most over-inflated) Team.

AFC

It’s going to the WIRE, over here in the AFC, where everybody has started getting on the wrong side of the W’s, and the worst we’ve got is 4-11- But it’s the Nils, Bungles and Donkey-Buncs neck and neck with the Brownies and Tex-ass-tons still in there with maybe a shot.

No head to head next week, too damn bad. The final week is very hard to call, because a whole raft of teams just became meaningless, and will be on vacation next week, trying to just not get injured before they hit the golf course in Florida.

Bungles

Just two weeks ago the Bungles looked like a LOCK. Not anymore. Bungles have inside track because they get the Ravens in Baltimore, where Frank Zappa’s bust is going to be used as the tee for kick-offs and the Ravens, though they have clinched the playoffs, can still win the division, so….the Bungles chances for a win are: NEVERMORE, you knuckleheads.

Nils

Nils stay in the hunt by staging a turnover clinic in Buffalo, coughing up the ball SEVEN times. I think that’s the season high. Man, are these Yaks dedicated. Now Nils travel to the Jets, where the pride of Queens have backed into the playoffs playing pretty close to cellar-ball as you can do and still make the postseason (looking ominously like last year’s Bungles). Will the Jets mail it in? Last year, in their final game for a playoff tune-up, the Bungles got ZERO yards passing (and that was with the first string in there for 3 quarters). Can the Jets come up with a flop like that? This isn’t Bunglonia, folks. Nils get the ‘L.’

Donkey-Buncos

I really thought these guys had it wired until yesterday, until they put in Mr. Confident, Tim Tebow, and he goes all winner on us and pulls off an inspiring comeback. Of course, it just may have been the Texans elbowing their way into Doormat contention.

Donky-buncs host the Chargers, who just got eliminated from the playoffs after yesterday’s quagmire in Bunglonia, and I’m calling that the Chargers fold their tent and start making tee-off times mid-game. Denver wins final game and BLOWS the Doormat Moldy Carpet AFC crown.

Should Nils and Bungles end in tie, we’ll have to do some sifting, because they did not go head-to-head. Tiebreakers are points for-against and Division record. Stay tuned.

I have no idea what the Brownies or Texans chances are, so we’ll just wait until the 3 front-runners do their thing to even worry about those guys. A 5 win team is a lot in the basement-kinda odd to have a 5-win team win AFC Doormat at the same time a 7-9 team wins a division. It’s a World Turned Upside Down folks, or maybe all in the middle, but we’ve got our feet firmly on the ceiling here in the basement.

Weak XVI Futility Meter- ruled by the Kings-to-be.

Points: 3 Nils, Pansies

First downs: 7 Pansies

Yards: 119 Pansies

Passing: 45 Pansies

Rushing 67 Lions

Turnovers 7 Buffalo

Punts 8 Pansies

Passer rating 33 Clausen, Pansies (how did he beat Nils’s Fitzpatrick??

Okay that’s enough! It’s BBQ tonight on the Grill of a ’74 Dodge Dart!

aaaaAAAAAAAND That’s the View From the BASEMENT!!!!