Doormat Division Weak XIII Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Weak XIII Wrap-up and Disposal

With just 4 games left in the run to the Moldy Carpet, the Basement’s expertise in predicting futile effort and expected results is uncanny. It just might PAY to look at things from the bottom up.

Well, of course it does. That’s why we’re here.

NFC WORST UPDATE

As expected, the Lambs and the Seahags pulled even at 6-6, and next week it’s up to the 0-4-9ers to stop the Seattle juggernaut, and the Saints to burst the Lamb’s balloon, like an undercooked Haggis left out in the sun (which I know is nearly impossible in Scotland, but humor me). With the way the 0-4ers are playing, that won’t be easy, and the Saints have a real knack for playing down to the opposition.

Take yesterday, for example, with their white-knuckle ride through Bunglonia yesterday, the most frightening quagmire since the Dead Marshes in Lord of the Rings.

BUNGLES 30, SAINTS 34

There was a lot of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory yesterday, and let’s start right here. For a team with 10 defeats (welcome to the ‘10’ Club, guys), the Bungles come tantalizing close to nearly winning. They have 5, count’ em, FIVE Futile Comebacks this year. 4 times they have come back from a deficit of 10 or more to score (and be within one score of tie or lead) with not enough time left to get the ball again and win the stupid game. Add to this their 4 Come From Ahead losses and you’ve got a LOT on anguish in the stands.

Trailing 20-6 in the third quarter, the Bungles wake up and stage a furious rally, taking the lead with 4 minutes to go, giving the fans something to expect disaster from and SURE ENOUGH, Drew Brees whips the Saints down the field (or maybe that’s flogs) and throws the game winner with :30 left on the clock. So, a wild wild game but the Bungles come away with the much needed L, and that’s crucial, because…

The RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET GOES THROUGH CAROLINA

PANSIES 14 SEAHAGS 31

Keeping pace with these guys is a CHORE. Good luck, I say. We’ve already got the Pansies wallpaper up, which shows incredible confidence here in the Basement, but I just don’t see these cats faltering.

With four games to go the Pansies have a mere 1 game lead over Detroit, Buffalo and Cincinnati. Surely the Nils or any of these teams have a chance, right? Not so fast. The remaining Pansy puntfests are the Falcons, Crudinals, Steelers, and Falcons again. They’ve got 11 losses and they haven’t even played the leader in their division yet!! The Arizona game is a serious threat to their running the table, as the Cruds are playing as badly badly badly as a team can play. This game is gonna be HUGE. Dec. 19^th- be there.

So let’s say the Pansies WIN a game (oh, come on). 2-14.

Bungles games left: Steelers, Brownies, Chargers, Ravens. Bungles already beat Pansies, so they LOSE tiebreaker. But they DID lose to the Nils. They can’t beat Ravens twice in one year. But Brownies game…red flag. Bungles can’t win another game or they’re toast. They need to run table and have Pansies win 2. Ha.

Kittens games left: Packers, Bucs, Dolphins, Yikings

Kittens lost to Nils. Should do Perfect Fade against Pack and Bucs, Miami is on the road (27 straight losses!) but in danger of winning against Yikings at home. Also cannot afford to win a game, must run table and hope tiebreaker brings the title home.

Nils games left: Brownies, Dolphins, Patriots, Jets. Nils have shown they can have high offense games, and atrocious abominations that make you pull your ear muffs down, close your eyes, and scream. Did you know that Edvard Munch grew up in Buffalo?

I think the Nils are going to get one more W, which is a shocker to say when the early predictions were expecting a potential perfect (0-16) season from these pros.

Which brings us to: Which of these teams is best at Futile Comebacks or Coming from Ahead?

The Detroit Kittens clock in with an a-MAZ-ing 7 Come from Ahead ‘L’s, including yesterday’s debacle against Chicago in the CatBox. It’s going to take a LOT of kitty litter to cover that one. These guys are the Kings of Fade. When the trainers talk about conditioning in Detroit, they’re changing the shampoo in the showers.

Here’s the spread:

Futile Comebacks Come From Ahead

Kittens 2 7

Bungles 4 4

Pansies 4 1

Nils 6 2

Clearly, the Pansies are the boringest, and probably truly the worst team in the league. They can’t even get ahead to blow a lead. Their only Come From Ahead game was just their re-enactment of what they’d do in the Super Bowl. You know how when the underdog in the Super Bowl scores first, but they only get a field goal, and it’s the kiss of death? They never score again until the game is 55-3 in the 4^th quarter? They got their chance in their game against the World Champeen Saints, and that’s as close as they are gonna get so they took it while they could. And their only win, 0-4-9ers, was an attempted Futile Comeback, but they were up against Mike Single-minded in that one and it didn’t work out.

Past that, the other three are neck and neck, though I think the art of Come from Ahead is more likely to consistently produce an ‘L.’

THEREFORE- I think it’s between the Kittens and the Pansies for the Moldy Carpet.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Stiff of the Weak

BUNCOS 6, CHEAPS 10

1 touchdown. 14 punts. 2 lost fumbles. 9-28 on 3^rd down. 3 points in the 2^nd half. Sknxxxnxnxnxnxnxn!

Brownies 13 Dolphins 10

Brownies win 2 in a row. Is it another late season run like I said wouldn’t happen?? Are they “The Pressure’s Off” team of the season?

LAMBS 19, CRUDINALS 6

The Crudinals are playing the worst ball in the league right now and that’s no mean feat in this league this year. 1-11 3^rd down conversion. Derek Anderson outdoes himself with a 29.8 passer rating. The desert just got a lot more desolate.

Kittens 20, Bears 24

As professional a Come From Ahead game as you can draw up. And at HOME.

YIKINGS 38, NILS 14

How was I to know that interception machine Brett Favre would twist his wrist and super mega-star bench guy Tavaris Jackson would come in and bring the lost Yikes safely to port? Just to keep pace, though, he tossed in 3 INTS. Brett got one on his only pass attempt, as well. What a guy. NILS counter with FOUR fumbles.

0-4-9ers 16, Packers 34

My prediction was 34-14. ‘nuff said.

Jaguars 17, Titanics 6

Titanics are all…the…way….back!

Week XII Gleaming Spires of Pulchritude

Points: 6 Cruds, Buncos, Titanics (crowded in here)

First downs: 11 0-4-9ers, Titanics

Yards: 220 Titanics

Rush: 40 Colts (no no no running game)

Pass: 86 Buncos

Turnover: 5 NILS

Punts 9 Brownies

3^rd down conv 1-11 Cruds

penalties 13-105 Raydurz (still the kings here)

poss: 22:02 Titanics