NFL Week 14 Predictions: Eagles in 5-car collision in fast lane

Wow. The Eagles, or Pheebles, as we like to call them here in the basement, have put together one of the most impressive swan dives in recent history. The Pennsylvania Highway Patrol had to scrape them off the road after a life in the fast lane collision with a semi tractor trailer hauling 48 caged Panthers on their way to a circus. Is that Bill Clinton working as a cop, now?

Anyway, welcome to the Doormat Division Philly! We have stocked up on frozen cheese steaks in your honor and the beer, though flat, is actually cold today thanks to a replacement refrigerator we picked up at a yard sale this week. It's a frosty 42 in there now. The old one was humping along at about 62 degrees. Not so good for the bean dip. It was kinda pink, but it tasted OK. What did Oscar Madison say? "It's either very new cheese or very old meat."

Y'know, it's kinda a trend like if ya think about it. Ever since Donovan (Hurdy Gurgy Man) McNabb came to Philly the pundits have predicted a Philly Super Bowl almost every year. Why do they do that? Why do they pick the Eagles to go to the big game every stinking year? How many times have we seen them do a swan dive now? In the last four years, at least four times. They may not be the worst team ever, but they have to be the most underperforming franchise in history.

And speaking of meat, let's get to the grisly, fatty, flabby truth here and take a big bite out of this weeks spinning, frozen turkey.

And the predictions are.....

New Orleans- 35
Atlanta- 38

Jacksonville- 12
Buffalo- 14

Indianapolis- 44
Detroit- 38

Houston- 17
Tennessee- 10

Carolina- 14
KC- 0

San Francisco- 17
St. Louis- 14

New England- 30
Miami- 17

Arizona- 21
NYJ- 17

Tampa Bay- 17
Denver- 28

Cleveland- 21
Oakland- 18 (OT)

Cincinnati- 28
San Diego- 21

Philadephia- 10
Dallas- 12

NYG- 36
Washington- 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

The DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 12 REPORT

TA DA!!!  It was Pick-Six Holiday Weekend in the National Flag Football League (or haven't you noticed), with just GOBS of highlights to choose from.  But let's not lose sight of the Big Picture:

The Kansas City Cheaps are the first team to 10 losses!  They get first dibs on the Barcalounger in the Basement, get first shot at the pre-opened quart of PBR, get first drag on the pile of cigarette butts we pulled out of our neighbors garbage,  and they can hang their headdress right over the Zenith TV.   They cannot kick the possum.  The possum kinda owns the place.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 12 STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA      3-8      -98

CAROLINA            3-8       -51

U. OF PHOENIX    4-7       -47

DETROIT               4-7      -13

ST. LOUIS             4-6-1   -49

AFC

KANSAS CITY      1-10     -140

JACKSONVILLE   2-9       -120

OAKLAND             3-8      -114

CLEVELAND        3-8        -39

TENNESSEE         4-7       -97

NY JETS             4-7        -69

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

JETS 19,  PATS 49

You can't touch giving up 3 touchdowns in 54 seconds.  TWO fumbles turn into touchdowns.   35 points in one quarter.  The wimpy field goal with :02 on the clock before half time was a touch of high art, if you ask me.   The Jets piled up 405 yards of offense and got BA-LOWN OUT.   Rex Ryan, as of today, still has a job in the Jets organization.  Ryan lost 100 pounds in the off-season.  The whole team has lost it now.

LOSS LEADER

CHIEFS 9,  BRONCOS 17

Our Cheaps have a lot to show for their efforts.  10 magnificent losses.  No wins at home.   At the bottom of nearly every statistical category you can dream up.  They did lead in the game yesterday, so that makes 2 in a row now after being perfect for the first 9 games of the season.   You can't be perfect.

Well, you can, but the Lions would have to come to the Cheaps in the off-season and take them through their 0-16 season to work out the particulars.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 20,  STEELERS 14

I was pretty sure Charlie Batch could deliver the sort of performance that would hand the win to the Brownies, but WHOA-BABY the whole Steeler organization contributed to this humm-baby!!   EIGHT, count 'em EIGHT turnovers by the iron-fingered men from Steel-town.  That's the season high for the year.  duh.  The Steelers actually fumbled 8 times, but lost a mere 5.  Batch tossed in 3 interceptions, and the Browns ran away with...wait, no, actually they barely won.  Whew!!  The BROWNIES  punted 10 times!!   Take that and your miserable fumbles!  Who do you think you're dealing with?  The Pats?  It was a malicious battle, but the Steelers outlasted the Brownies and nailed down the loss.   What a game.

GAME OF THE WEEK

CAROLINA PANTHERS                              VS.    PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Tonight!!   If the Pansies can somehow get out of the way of the Pheelbes off-the-rails atrocious out-of-control unstoppable ridiculously mailed-in football,  they'll lose their hold on first place in the NFC Doormat.  Who would have thought, 5 weeks ago, that the Eagles were going to come out of nowhere and head straight for oblivion like they have done?  Of course, they've got the rocketing-to-earth Arizona Cardinals hot on their assess, but all they gotta do is keep losing, and they'll never look back.

EDGE:  EAGLES (to lose)

LOSING IN STYLE

CARDINALS 17,  RAMS 31

The University of Phoenix runs 3rd string rookie QB Ryan Lindley out there and he connects!  With Janoris Jenkins of the Lambs who promptly runs both INTs back for TDs.   The Crudinals lose their 7th straight game and the abyss is the limit for these guys.   Rams the best team with a tie (after the Niners) in the league.

RAVENS 16, CHARGERS 13  OT

Thanks to the fact that the NFL is trying so hard to protect offensive players (have you noticed that all the rules to protect players is for the offense?), and this includes allowing only once-a-week pads practice around the NFL during the season, nobody can tackle worth a crap anymore.  

The result:   Chargers give up 1st down on 4th and 29 to the Ravens, and the rest is history.  A football miracle, and the greatest blow-it play of the season, and probably ever for the Blots- I mean, Bolts.   Norv Turner still making coffee in his office.  How many more cups, Norv?  How many?

RAIDERS 10, BENGALS 34

Carson Palmer returns to Cincinnatti, and gets his can kicked.  All-day party in Cincy.  Laughing, crying, hugging, gloating.  Such Joy.

UPSETS

JAGUARS WIN A GAME!!!!

JAGUARS  24, TITANICS 19

Jags QB Chad Henne plays great for the second straight week, and the Jags pull off a rarity in the Doormat:  winning the week after you play like wild men and lose a wild game at the last second.  After their 3rd OT loss of the season, the Jags come out swinging and win one at home in front 20,000 stunned empty seats.  They fall out of the tie for first in the Doormat AFC.

DOLPHINS 24,  SEAHAGS 21

The Seahags are the Slufgest pros, and the bring a beauty to Miami,  setting up the the game-losing field goal with no time on the clock.   Perfect.  Seahags can't decide if they are winners or losers.  Maybe this game will help.

Okay,  I gotta go get some possum feed....which is my neighbors garbage can.  But getting it away from the racoons is dicey-  far more physical than an NFL game.  

aaaAAAAAAAAND THAT's The View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!

NFL Week 12 Doormat Predictions

Good Grief, is it Thursday already? OK, time to update the standings and post the predictions for this week. No time for analysis. Hey, denizens of the cellar, post your predictions (and we will use the honor system for Detroit)

Detorit- 42
Houston- 36

Washington- 24
Dallas-10

Oakland- 17
Cincy- 31

Pittsburgh- 12
Cleveland- 10

Denver- 50
KC- 3

Atlanta- 36
Tampa Bay 33

Tennessee- 21
Jacksonville-10

St. Louis- 21
Arizona- 10

San Francisco- 33
New Orleans- 28

Seatle- 17
Miami- 14

Buffalo- 10
Indianapolis- 21

And now for the game of the week, maybe the year:

Philadelphia- 17
Carolina- 20

The Doormat Division: NFL Week 11 Report

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11 STANDINGS

NFC

CHICAGO              7-3      +84  

CAROLINA           2-8      -59

PHILADELPHIA  3-7      -90

ST. LOUIS              3-6-1   -63

U. OF PHOENIX   4-6      -63

DETROIT               4-6      -10 

AFC

KANSAS CITY      1-9     -132

JACKSONVILLE  1-9     -125

CLEVELAND        2-8     -45

OAKLAND             3-7      -114

TENNESSEE         4-6      -92

BUFFALO              4-6      -69

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BEARS 7,  49ERS 32

   

True, New England racked up 59 points on the Colts, but this was a serious beat-down so bad, Da Bears get an honorary top slot in the NFC Doormat this week.  The Bears played one of the most unprepared games I can remember in recent memory of division leaders squaring off late in the season.  Journeyman QB Jason "Micromanager" Campbell gets pig-piled on by the Smith brothers, and the Bear defense underestimates 49er QB Colin Kaepernick by about 1000%.   The Bears did nothing.  Zip.  There were some loooooong faces in the locker room and at the press conference.  

A year ago, Campbell was leading the Oakland Raiders to a 4-2 record,  playing confidently, if conservatively, and looking like a guy who was in charge.  Then Carson Palmer came swaggering into town with his special skill set, and guided the Raiders to a bumbling 8-8 finish while the Raiders tossed Campbell under the bus.   He hasn't recovered.   

OVERTIME DERBY

What's worse,  playing like a true loser from the opening kickoff and sending your fans home early, or taking it right to the winning cliff in overtime but still finding a way to lose?  I'll take the latter-  because you KNOW your guys are gonna find a way, so why be put through the torture?

JACKSONVILLE 37, HOUSTON 43  (OT)

And who better to carry the banner than the Jaguars- losers of THREE overtime games on the road this year?

The Gaguars tantalized their fans with a 34-20 lead early in the 4th quarter yesterday, but then finally got the Blow-It-All thinking going in earnest, capping it with a defensive gem where Texan WR Andre Johnson, who set the team record for receiving yards with 273 for the day,  was so wide open for the winning TD in overtime that he had to wave the safety over to get into the photo.

"I told them afterwards, we didn't come here for a tie," Jacksonville coach Mike Mularkey said. "We had some chances. We just did not make some of the plays that we haven't made throughout the year."

Coach, coach, COACH.  What you meant to say was "We just made the same plays we've been making all year."  And it paid off.   That's my Jags- play your game of the year, and still lose.  They sure don't play for the tie.  1-9 and still even with the Chiefs for bragging rights in the Doormat AFC.

CLEVELAND 20, DALLAS 23  (OT)

This one is a doormat gem.  The teams did one fumble-fumble sequence (2 turnovers on two plays), always a good sign.  With 1:09 left in the game, after artfully blowing one 1st and goal opportunity, the Browns fall into the end zone and take the lead.  But 1:09 is more than enough time to lose if DB Sheldon Brown (for the Browns!) can rack up a 35-yard pass interferene call.   BOOM the Cowpies tie it up at the end of regulation.  In OT, the Browns get a fumble recovery waved off, and narrowly avoid having the chance at victory.   Cowpies boot a FG and win a game that spent more time with referee replay commentary than they did with advertisements, which is impressive.  Oscar performance from Referee Ed Hochuli, as hundreds of fans ended up in comas.

CAROLINA 21,  BUCCANEERS 27  (OT)

And who else to cap off the futile nearly winning formula than the always creative Carolina Panthers?  On paper, these guys should win some games.  But we aren't playing rock, PAPER, scissors.   5 of the last 6 Pansies losses were Come-From-Ahead games where they blew the lead in the 4th quarter!!  And yesterday was no exception-  ahead 21-10 entering the fourth quarter, the Pansies stop playing defense and the Bucs whiz by the Kings of Fade.   Carolina 2-8 and still in the driver's seat in the Doormat NFC.   The heated chairs in the Pansy coach's office just went up to 'butt-scorch.'

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

KANSAS CITY 6,  CINCINNATI 28

There's really nothing to say about the Cheaps that hasn't already been said.   Other than after last night's 49er game they probably couldn't dial the phone fast enough to ask the Niners if Alex Smith is available yet.   And this may be Alex's reward for becoming a solid NFL QB.  Arrow-thru-the-Headache future.

I bet they have some rotary phones over there at Cheaps headquarters.

CARDINALS 19,  ATLANTA 23

Another beautiful fade job from the guys who were once 4-0.  Six straight unmistakable Doormat losses.    Sayonara, University of Phoenix.   Seven first downs.   Eight punts.  It was only an illusion they were in the game.

MIAMI 14, BUFFALO 19

Somebody had to win.   The Rams and Niners might argue.

OAKLAND 17,  NEW ORLEANS 38

It was much, much worse.  This was so bad.  It's team-wide.  The Raiders have been outscored now, after those inspiring half-time talks, 123-34 this season in the 3rd quarter.  I wonder if we can get the Raider staff to come to the Basement and do a master class on this phenomena with, hopefully, a video montage of every halftime 'adjustment' session this season.   There's never been anything quite like it.

ST. LOUIS  13,  NY JETS 27

Only the Lambs can make the Jets look viable.   A week after their best tie of the year, the Lambs blow a real chance to win a game against a real bad team.  Not some pretend bad team, a real one.  But this is when the pros step in and take care of business.  And the Lambs have been at this longer than the Jets.  

PHILADEPHIA  6,   WASHINGTON 31

The Feebles fire their coach and then discover it's the same guys going out on the field.   These guys are one Carolina victory away from elbowing their flabby way into first in the Doormat.  WHAT A NOSE DIVE.   I'm on board.

INDIANAPOLIS  24,  NEW ENGLAND 59

Not so fast, DOLTS.  Remember last year?  Yes?  Good.

aaAAAAAAAND That's the View from the Basement!!!

NFL, Week at the Knees 11, Doormat Predictions

Ben-Gals pull up at a tailgate party in Cincy

Apparently the Ben-Gals, the Bengals cheerleaders, helped get the team hyped for the big game against the NY Giants, because Cincy clocked the mitey Giants 31-13 in a no-contest ass whupping. Hm, maybe those close games all season were just luck. Giants are looking a little dorrmaty right now. As for the Bengals, they get to ride the crest of a one-game winning streak into Arrow-Through-The-Head stadium where they have the real possibility of winning another game against the hopeless Chiefs.

And speaking of hopeless, did you know Cam Newton is 2-10 in his career against teams at or above .500? Let's look at that schedule....TB, Philly, and KC. Wow, Cam might push the Pansies to a  2-1 run here at mid season. This could blow up their chance for the Moldy Carpet. Then they finish with Atlanta, San Diego, Oakland and New Orleans. Probably will only beat Oakland in that stretch. But by then they might be at 6-10, no chance for the big trophy or a seat on the vinyl-plated barcalounger.

But those are predictions far down the road. Let's take a look at this week. The Oracle spins the frozen turkey and predicts:

Miami- 28
Buffalo- 17

Green Bay- 36
Detroit- 33 (OT)

Cleveland- 10
Dallas- 14

Cincinnati- 24
Kansas City- 13

New York Jets- 14
St. Louis- 21

Philadelphia- 14
Washington- 17

Tampa Bay- 28
Carolina- 16

Jacksonville- 3
Houston- 21

New Orleans- 24
Oakland- 10

And just for fun because this game actually matters to me, I predict the 49ers will best the Bears 13-10 in a 15-round slugfest on a wet, miserable night in SF.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 10 Report

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 10

AFC

Kansas City      1-8      -110

Jacksonville      1-8     -119

Cleveland         2-7      -42

Oakland           3-6      -93

Buffalo             3-6      -74

NFC

Carolina           2-7       -53

Washington     3-6       -22

Philadelphia    3-6       -65

St. Louis          3-5-1    -49

U. of Phoenix  4-5      -29

THE GAMES WEEK 10 REVIEW

CHIEFS 13,  STEELERS 16 (OT)

First of all, let's take care of the miracle in Pittsburgh last night.  The Cheaps scored FIRST for the first time this year, and LED during a game for the first time this year.  For an entire half and some change, which is some rarified air, let me tell you.  They almost won the game, but let's not get out of control.

Just as we were marveling at how the Lambs can find almost anyway to screw up a win (but they didn't lose, did they?) the Cheaps step up and show how it's done.  If Matt Cassel is starting for an NFL team next year, it'll be because there was a plane crash with every available 2nd string quarterback on board and they will be Lost in the South Pacific for all time.   4-8-15-16-23-42.  Hike!

Where it's going, nobody knows....

and if it does get there,  there's no telling what will happen.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't in Kansas City these days.  Cheaps receivers are so used to the ball going just about anywhere on the field, except at them, when it comes out of the pocket  there's a concentration problem.  Like, if the teacher would just call on you every single time, you're going to start snagging those questions, right?  80%, right?  Well, maybe not here in the Basement, but most people.   But, geez, she only calls on you when you're lost in a reverie about Stephanie Kramm's fuzzy sweater and WHAT?  So who can blame old "Flipper Hands" Bowe for dropping an alarming number of passes as the season slips by.....

No matter.   Steelers QB Big Ben checks out of the game with a shoulder owie and Bryan Leftwich (why isn't this guy left-handed?) proves that it takes just one guy to turn a team into a doormat.  The Cheaps tie the game, holy cow, and enter OT and get the ball first.  Matt Cassell IMMEDIATELY throws an interception on a pass that had .0000001% chance of being completed and the Steelers intercept, and kick a field goal and GOOD NIGHT.

I say they run rookie QB Alex Tanney ( from mighty Monmouth College) out there.  He's 6-4, 220 and he's alive.  What more do you want?   30 turnovers is just enough.  Unless, unless.. you're going for the record!  That's going to take some doing- it's 63 by the 1976 San Francisco 49ers.   The Niners were so bad that year that announcer Lon Simmons was basically doing a stand-up act by the 2nd quarter.  He's still the funniest sports announcer I've ever heard.  I tuned in the games, hoping it would be a blow-out early just to hear what he would do.

The Cheaps are so bad I put them ahead of Jacksonville in the standings, even though their point differential says differently.   I think Jacksonville kills these guys.

JACKSONVILLE 10,  INDIANAPOLIS 27

It wasn't pretty, but the Gaguars got it done again.   Last time these guys met, the Gags pulled out a last second victory on a play that had no business going 80 yards.   Not to worry, they've worked out the kinks now, and are sailing free....Andrew Luck torches the Gags and Colts rocket out of the basement, all the way up to 6-3.  They could STILL finish 6-10, but I think these guys go 9-7 at least.  

30th in passing!  30th in rushing!  23rd in pass D!  29th in rush D!   yow!!

Gaguars are the silent assassins of the Doormat, flying under the radar.   Who's next on their hit list?

HOUSTON.   Houston, we have clear sailing!

EAGLES 23,  COWBOYS 38

Eagles are now in full implosion mode.  Michael Vick is out, probably ending his hopes for the fumbles record for a season.

PANTHERS 14,  BRONCOS 36

The Pansies won a game last week, and that was just exhausting.  They scored the first touchdown in this one, and then......zzzzzzzzzz.   Still leading the NFC division and who, I say, WHO is going to touch them?   Next loss:  the suddenly scary Buccaneers!  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of aspirin.

DEC 2nd,  the TOILET BOWL will be played early

KANSAS CITY vs.  CAROLINA  in K.C.  Be THERE!!!!!!!!

6.327 tickets available (that's the most I've seen this year)

JETS 7,  SEAHAWKS 28

Changing of the guard.   Jets the statistical leaders this week in futility.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

SAINTS 31, FALCONS 27

This game is always huge in NOLA.  I was having the oyster po'boy of my life in a little diner in New Orleans when Atlanta was in town for a game once, and when the game started, the whole diner just slowed down, nobody left their seat, and the waitress let us know we didn't have to move an inch the rest of the night.  I ordered another po'boy and a pitcher of beer.  Better than any tailgate ever.

The Saints are back in action and heading out of the Doormat.  Geaux, Saints.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

RAIDERS 20,  RAVENS 555

If the Raydurzzz hadn't had the Cheaps and the Gaguars on their schedule, they'd be 1-8.  But, those are the breaks and you gotta play your schedule and tough nuts to the team that can't blow it against the Cheaps or Gags.  Get with the program.

The Raiders can't run, can't defend, can't cover special teams, can't be coached, have no coach, what does it matter?  The Silver and Blacked out are just kicking Al Davis's tomb now.   We SORRY, Al, we thought you were the problem.  At least Carson Palmer didn't have to throw the pressure-packed killer interception.  He got the day off.

CHARGERS 24, BUCS 43

Blots -BOLTS, sorry- QB Philip Rivers does it again.  This guy is Doormat all-star.  TWO, count 'em, TWO killer 4th quarter interceptions, one for a pick-six late.  Just just stellar.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

RAMS 24,  49ERS 24 (OT)

I guess it's not really fair to call this the Stiff of the Week, but when the Lambs kept finding ways to not win and the 49ers kept dealing right back at them, what else can you say?  It was a TIE, it's gotta be stiff of the week. I'll bet Alex Smith's neck is stiff of the week.  That was the weirdest dive to the turf this year.  SLIDE, Alex.  Damn.  Back-up Colin Kaepernick, though greeeeeeen,  looks pretty amazing.  At least he can see over the line, something unseen in SF in 7 years.   Most of the fans and players, by the way, remained seated, waiting for the second overtime to begin.   Dum-de-dum.   The Rams have now lost to the 49ers 473 times in a row.  Sure feels that way for sports fans in St. Louis and gosh they must be loving this San Francisco-beating-them thing right about now.   Rematch in a few weeks.

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

(stats later)

NFL Week 10 Doormat Predictions

Is it Friday already? There was a game last night? Well, not really a game, because the Colts and the Jaguars were on the field at the same time. I heard the Grants Pass Cavemen band was going to march at halftime but were too embarrassed. Jaguars are rolling to the Moldy Carpet!

And speaking of caves, the Doormat Division cellar is looking fine these days.

Not actual Doormat cellar, this is a simulation

Hey, DT, where did you get the Schlitz? Looks a little like your room back in high school.

Now, I swear I spun the Turkey on Tuesday and just forgot to post the predictions. So my pick for Thursday Night Food Ball still counts.

NFL Week 10 Predictions

Indianapolis- 35
Jacksonville- 7

Lions- 38
Vikings- 21

San Francisco- 27
St. Louis- 3

New York Giants- 17
Cincinnati- 16

Tennessee- 24
Miami- 28

Atlanta- 17
New Orleans- 21

San Diego- 14
Tampa Bay- 21

Denver- 38
Carolina- 14

Oakland- 10
Baltimore- 17

Kansas City- 3
Pittsburgh- 27

Gentlemen, make you predictions!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 9 Wrap-Up and Punt

It's time to get into the Holiday Spirit, and who is more giving than the Kansas City Cheaps?!

Nobody.  Need a win?  Call the Cheaps!  Need to turn your season around?  Put the Cheaps on your schedule.  Need to pad your turnovers to the plus side?   The Cheaps.   Want to fool yourself into thinking your defense has finally 'come around'?   Hands down, the Cheaps are redefining charity in the NFL, and they don't even have to wear pink.

But they've still got some competition.

DOORMAT STANDINGS NFL WEEK 9

AFC

KANSAS CITY       1-7          -107

JACKSONVILLE   1-7           -102

CLEVELAND         2-7          -42

TENNESSEE           3-6          -126

BUFFALO               3-5          -68

OAKLAND             3-5          -58

NFC

CAROLINA            2-6           -31

WASHINGTON     3-6            -22

PHILADELPHIA   3-5            -50

ST. LOUIS              3-5           -49

DALLAS                3-5           -31

NEW ORLEANS   3-5           -11

THE GAMES  NFL WEEK 9

We set out the snacks yesterday and settled in for the entertainment.

AFC

CHIEFS 13,  CHARGERS 31

The Cheaps still haven't led a game for one second.  They have a chance to catch the Detroit Lions of the 90's for worst turnover give/take (-21) numbers,  currently at -18.   They picked up 2 more on the negative side on Thursday and now continue their Hospitality Tour next week in Steeltown.   The Chargers get to look like the Atlanta Falcons for one game, and Norv Turner saves his job for another week.

 JAGUARS 14,  LIONS 31

The Lions rush for 149 yards and roll up 434 yards of offense.   Jags do nothing until staking Lions to 24-0 lead, waiting for the 2nd string D for Detroit to get in the game and not be so mean.  Jags keep pace with Cheaps, which is just going to get harder every week.

BROWNS  15,  RAVENS 25

The Brownies nearly threatened to win this game.  Going 0-5 in the red zone, the Blanks rely solely on the foot of Phil Dawson and 5 field goals to ensure coming out on the losing side of the contest.  They briefly snagged the lead in the 4th quarter, but would have needed 4 more field goals to pull it out.    Are the Brownies bad enough to still win the Moldy Carpet?  They only punted 4 times yesterday, so their 'loser' index is going down.  But it's them, the Jags and KC that still rule the red zone futility.  So, hang in there, fans, they still have a shot, but it's a long one.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

TITANS 20,  BEARS 51

I really have to stop making predictions when I've had 10 cups of coffee off the grill on the patio and find myself laughing at my own picks.   The Monsters of the Mediocre find the Titanics in a party mood in Memphis, handing out blocked kicks and interceptions for touchdowns in the first quarter like they were candy.  Countering craftily with a safety, and enough Titanic fumbles to impress Michael Vick,  it was 28-2 after 1 quarter, dispensing with needing to take the rest of the game seriously, and giving their fans the afternoon off.   You can always come home early and surprise the kids and snag some of their beer before it's gone.   

RAIDERS 32, BUCCANEERS 42

We had this one on in the Basement, and, honestly, it's hard to say sarcastic things about Carson Palmer.  The Raiders are gawdawful in the 3rd quarter, being outscored 88-24 so far this year in that period, and yesterday it was 21-0!  Whatever they are saying in the locker room at halftime, they gotta stop.  But Palmer.  The guy went nuts in the 4th quarter, throwing 3 TD passes and brought the Raiders back from 28-10 to trailing by just 35-32 with 3:51 left.   But then....the killer interception that had no business being thrown.  Palmer really does offer up this specialty alarmingly often.  And just for good measure, he threw another one on the next possession to make it clear it was no mistake.  Bucs have now scored over 30 points in 4 straight games.   I think they are exiting Doormat Land.

The 'revitalized' Oakland defense, coming off two bracing victories against Doormat Kings Jacksonville and KC, leaves the field for the entire game and Bucs RB Doug Martin piles up 251 yards averaging 10 yards per carry.  Bucs looked like Oregon yesterday.

BILLS 9,  TEXANS  21

Remember last year at this time?  The Bills were 5-2 and were BACK.   They were scoring tons of points, people were asking when we would take their logo off the masthead.   They won just 1 more game the rest of the season, finished 6-10, and we didn't have to do nothin'.

Now?  They still run up the score sometimes, but they are giving up a TON of points, and after last week's bye, the Nils saw the writing on the wall and come out flat and get flattened.   They should make the '10' club no problem (10 losses).    

NFC 

You know, the NFC just isn't doing it like the AFC this year.  If the Pansies are the worst thing the NFC can offer up, it's gonna be no contest when the Toilet Bowl flushes in February.  On the other hand, there's a couple teams that may never win again this year.

PANTHERS 21, REDSKINS 13

Cam Newton plays a solid game and lets RGB III do the losin' this week.    Panthers fall out of the elite category and vault to 2-6, but still maintain lead in NFC.

DESCENT!!

CARDINALS 17,  PACKERS 31

The Crudinals came out of the gate 4-0, and have now lost 5 straight.   4-5 and elbowing their way down to the Lambs.  4-12?  Why not?

EAGLES 13,  SAINTS 28

Finally, Andy Reid gets himself fired.  The Eagles don't know desperate.   Saints do.

The Feebles are only a game out of first in the Doormat NFC.  With Reid out of the way, the sky's the limit.   Aints scrape up to 3-5.  Ships passing in the night.

COWBOYS 13, FALCONS 19

Thirteen was THE number yesterday, and the Cowboys nailed it.   Can Jerry Jones fire somebody today?  

Our seasoned pros, the Lambs, were on vacation yesterday.  They bring their special brand of Doormat action to San Francisco this week.  Woo-Hoo!!

NFL WEEK 9 WORST STATS

Points              9     Nils

First Downs    12   Titans ( finally somebody beats the Giants.  I'm tired of a winning team getting this.)

Yards              182  Giants

Rush               22    Raiders

pass               44    Vikings

Turnovers      raspberry, or apple if they're out    5-  Titans

INT                3     Raiders

Fumbles         6-4   Titans   wow.

Red Zone       0-5   Browns

Low Passer    37.3   Ponder,  Vikings

Sacked           7-46   Eagles

3rd down conv given up:     13-19   Dolphins

3rd dwn conv:  2-11  Buffalo

Punts:  8     Cardinals

Penalties:  14-116   Buccaneers

This should be big enough for the fans at KC now.

Massive Doormat Tilt: Kansas City vs. San Diego Tonight!

         

I don't know if we could dial up a more perfect game for the Doormat Division.   

The Kansas City Cheaps, a team that has not led a single game all season for even one second, has the worst points given up off turnovers (86) , has a quarterback controversy with two guys that would be lucky to make any other team's practice squad, going against the San Diego Blots- sorry, I mean Bolts- a team that has plummeted from spectacular flame-outs engineered by their non-ballerina QB to a timid conservative non-plan by coach Norv Turner.  

The AFC West is the new NFC Worst, except for Denver, who have learned they have a  winner on their team.  The rest of the suspects are Doormat brethren and we're wiping our feet right now on them out on the patio, heating up the instant coffee on the grill in the 'driving mist.'   We can't WAIT for this game.

Norv Turner Tunes Out

The Non-Chargers are in a free fall, aided by their crafty public relations department, which, after their loss two weeks ago, issued a press release that, basically, told everybody to stop whining and enjoy the losing and screw you for not loving the Blots no matter what and how dare you even come to the park and boo and just stay home. So there!  This kind of maneuver shows that San Diego is working in all departments to get to the Moldy Carpet.  Norv Turner is not alone!

And with that kind of bonhomme reverberating around Qualm-comm Stadium, it should be a home game for the ages, and if the Cheaps can somehow, anyhow, wherever how, win this game...oh, come one, it can't really happen, can it?  Can the Chargers attain true Doormat cred and drop one to a team that has no idea how to score in the first quarter (1 point average)...or the other quarters for that matter?

NO.   Cheaps have the edge, and professional losing criteria,  to continue their march to the Moldy Carpet.