The Year of the 3rd String QB goes Prime Time

REDSKINS 20,  COWBOYS 17 (OT)

In a game marred by flashes of competence, yet another 3rd string quarterback took the field in the Doormat Division tonight, with Redskin QB Colt McCoy prepared to short-arm passes and fling wounded ducks wherever required.  The Cowboys, however, had other ideas.  Refusing to take a commanding lead, they shrug off the Deadskin strategy and deploy multiple fumbles and nurse a meager lead into a deficit by the third quarter, 10-7, including getting Tony Romo out of the game with a bruised back (the Redskins must have lined up in all-out blitz mode on almost every play).

With the score tied at 17-17, the Redskinks engineer a reverse drive from the Cowboy 37 with 3:03 to go, pulling off a penalty and a sack to stay safely out of field goal range.  They punt, pinning the Cowboys at their own 3.  On consecutive plays the Redskins refuse to recover a GIFT fumble at the 3, and then an interception right through a defensive back's hands, narrowly avoiding absurdly close field goal position.  Neither team can secure the loss, so it goes to overtime.

The 'Skins (can we call them the Hides?) win the coin toss, with an oddly unsure referee on mic sounding like he'd never done a coin toss.  Anybody catch that?  At this point, McCoy realizes he's achieved competence in the game, and decides at least ONE Doormat team deserves an upset this week, and we agree- especially when the Cowpies are involved.  Colt rips his team down the field and they rifle a field goal through the uprights and escape Dallas, the classiest armpit in America, with a victory.

Hats off to the Natives!

-wacko

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 10 WRAP-UP and Dinner Cereal

PERFECTION!

Jaguars 17, Colts 3

The Dolts and the Gaguars started this game with a bang yesterday- dueling interceptions. The Dolt’s Chris Painter hurls an interception on the third play of the game, setting up the Gaguars at the Indy 18 yard line. No problem- the Gaguars retaliated immediately, with QB Blaine Gabbert gift wrapping an INT on the very next play. The crowd settled in..slumped might be the word. This week, though, the Dolts were only able to string together 4 punts in a row (still a league leading 60), which is pretty average, though they were able to toss in a punt reception interference call to set up the Gags in excellent field position for their first field goal. Dolts avoid scoring a touchdown.

The Gaguars, even with the bye week to get themselves unprepared, could not match the Dolts in this huge AFC South face-off. Putting together a long 16-play 86 yard drive in the 3^rd quarter (gold star to Dolts for for illegal use of hands penalty on 3^rd and 11 sack of Gabbert, keeping drive alive), was really out of character. In a game like this, holding the ball for more 5-6 plays is really kind of gauche. The Dolts only got the ball 4 times in the entire second half, but made hay with those, with the gold medal going to the fumble at their 8-yard line with 4:48 left in the 4^th. The Gags fell into the endzone, and the Dolts get past the only real threat to their quest for the perfect season and the Moldy Carpet trophy (which is curing now in the store room here in the basement- don’t go in there). 0-10 and looking unbeatable..unwinnable..un…the Dolts now have a 2 ½ game lead on Miami, who are clearly losing their way, winning two weeks in a row.

The Bonehead Forest!

Rams 13, Browns 12

It was an exciting morning at the Brownie Bake-Sale, what with the new line of Chomps Dinner Cereal laid out, smorgasborg-style, on the Basement bar. I tried them all, but I think my favorite was ‘leftovers.’ Tasted very realistic. Also good was ‘regular,’ which, I’m pretty sure, is ‘dog food.’ Ever see that Jane Fonda movie where she feeds her cat, and then licks the spoon? Oscar performance moment.

And speaking of dog food, the Brownies utilize their kicking game again to go for the loss, and THIS TIME it worked, shanking a field goal from point blank range with 2 minutes to go to pull out the loss against one of the most formidable opponents in the Doormat. The Brownies are like beginning piano students- they can’t repeat something simple more than 4 times without screwing up. Here’s their drives for the game:

punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt……MISSED FIELD GOAL!! Wait, let me try that again!

This was a one-touchdown kind of game, and the Lambs got it early, at the top of the second quarter. Both teams did as little as possible in the 2^nd half. Lambs have now won 2 games, and fall into a tie with the Carolina Pansies (and most likely the Yikings after tonight) for first place in the NFC doormat.

THE REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL

Broncos 17, Chiefs 10

Tim Tebow throws 8 passes, completes 2 (one for a touchdown), the Buncos run the ball 237 times and the Cheaps have no answer for mediocrity. Except terrible coaching. That’s their answer for everything. The Cheaps descend to 4-5, and are exhausted from all that winning they had earlier this year. It’s going to be hard for either of these teams to really go on a losing tear, because the AFC West is all about sharing.

Cardinals 21, Eagles 17

I’m really not sure why we still keep picking the Pheebles to blow out bad teams. They ARE a bad team. And, let’s admit it, this is the most fun bad team to watch this year, because they went out and bought a bunch of pro-bowl free agents, had no training camp, and it’s 53 guys all on their own page of inflated over-confidence. It’s like the Miami Heat, except they’re really stinking up the joint. In Philly. Boo!!!

It takes some real planning to make the Crudinals look good, but 123 yards passing, a Sack-&-Fumble coupled with an INT on the next possession, a tidal wave of penalties (11), and a defense more porous than a baseball coach’s sunburned shnozz, the Pheebles had it all worked out. Pheebles whip off 8 punts, which ties them with Carolina (excellent company) for punting honors in Week 10. Pheebles have now blown 5 fourth quarter leads, which really puts them ahead of the Yikings for most stirring Come From Ahead losses.

They’ve got a spot right next to the Deadskin at the Bar now in the basement, and we really wish they were playing each other next week, just to settle who gets which stool, but we have to wait until Jan. 1^st to see who scrapes the bottom of the NFC East. Crudinals now 3-6 but only a game off the pace for first place in the Doormat NFC.

Seahawks 22, Ravens 17

Boy, the Ravens sure can play a crummy game, huh? Clearly looking past the Hags to next week’s big one against the Bengals, the Ravens blow their chance to take over the

AFC North, and the Seahags fall into a victory that they had not prepared for.

Titanics 30, Panthers 3

The Pansies have improved- they’re just plain losing now. Forget the shanked FG at the end of regulation. Just turn in a complete stinker and be done with it. Pansies tied for first in the Doormat NFC.

Dolphins 20, Redskins 9

The Deadskins bring back Rex Grossman from the scalp pile and throw him into the ocean, where the Floppers are waiting in sack formation. Deadskin coach Mike Shanahan loses 5 straight for the first time in his career, so we all recognize his determination and grit for Doormat glory. Floppers playing good ball, Deadskins not.

FAMILIAR FACES

Special shout-outs to the Detroit Kittens, who are starting to look real familiar, and the Buffalo Nils, who are really teetering on the edge of the Basement steps. Both got blown out yesterday and looked nothing like the teams that started off the season on fire.

Kudos, also, to the Tampa Bay Bucs, who crumbled to 4-5 yesterday, and looked every bit like the worst best worst team of Week 10…if you don’t count the Dolts…or the Brownies….or..nevermind.

NFL WORST STATS FOR WEEK 10!

Points: 3 Pansies, DOLTS

First Downs 12 Buccaneers

Yards 212 Dolts

Rush 41 Saints

Pass 69 Denver (and the WON)

Turnovers 4 Buccaneers

Sacked 5 Dolts and 4 other teams

Punts 8 Pansies, Pheebles

Penalties 13-100 Seahags

avg.yard poss 17.6 Dolts

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

Doormat Division: NFC the FIRST FIVE GAMES

NFC the First Five Games

Half of the NFC is doormat material, it seems. Holy Cow. Where to start? Start with the Champs. (In parenthesis after team name is the 2010 record for first five games)

Carolina Pansies (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Bank of America (Foreclosure Field)

First Five: Crudinals, Packers, Jacksonville, Chicago, New Orleans.

Doormat Champeen Carolina has to play in the NFC South and takes on the entire NFC North, so they’re pretty much toast. Their most winnable game is Week 1 against the Crudinals. Then week 8 vs. Yikings. OUTLOOK: 1-4, season 3-13

Washington Deadskins (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Fed Up Field

First Five: Giants, Crudinals, Cowpies, Lambs, Eagles

Rex Grossman is the starting QB. Mike Shanahan is learning about losing.

Skins won 3 of 4 overtime games last year, scraping out a 6-10 record. They've been flying under the radar for a few seasons now, but this year they are breaking out...in the Doormat.

Outlook: 1-4 season: 4-12

Minnesota Yikings (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Maul of America

First Five: Chargers, Bootineers, Kittens, Cheaps, Crudinals

You know, if I’d looked at the schedule before picking these guys, I might have changed my mind- they have the AFC Worst, the Pansies, the Cruds, and the Cheaps on their schedule. Outside of their division, it’s powder puff football. Yikes have best lineman name: RT- Loadholt.

Outlook: 3-2 ouch. Season: 6-10

University of Phoenix Crudinals (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: University of Phoenix (this name is so stupid we don’t have to change it)

First Five: Pansies, Deadskins, Sehags, Giants, Yikings

Nobody took the Cruds! Maybe I will. Kevin Kolb is being viewed as great, compared to what they had before at QB. Derek Anderson goes from starting on the Cruds to 3^rd string on the Pansies. Things have to get better here. But why?

Outlook: 1-4. Season- 5-11

San Francisco 0-for-Niners (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Candlestink

First Five: Seahags, Cowpies, Bungles, Eagles, Bootineers

Niners have amazingly soft schedule, with the Steelers, Eagles, Ravens and Giants the only teams with winning records from last year. Niners are going with youth. It’s like the JV team out there. It could get really ugly, even with the light schedule. Alex Smith will be on the DL by week 6. They won’t score another offensive touchdown after that.

They’ll only score 2 before that.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 4-12

St. Louis Lambs & BBQ (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Mary had a Little Lamb’s Backyard

First Five: Eagles, Giants, Ravens, Deadskins, Packers

Wow that’s a murderer’s row, except for the Deadskins. The Powder Puff schedule doesn’t kick in until week 9. Lambs in trouble.

Outlook: 1-4 season: 6-10

And last, our long-running losingest bunch of losers, the guys who started it all...

Detroit Kittens (2010: 1-4)

Stadium: The Kat Box

First Five: Bootineers, Cheaps, Yikings, Cowpies, Bears

Is it a mirage? Are the Lions really that good on offense? They better have improved their conditioning, offense and defense, since they pooped out in the 3^rd quarter every game last year.

Outlook: 3-2 season: 7-9

Some of these teams we expect ineptitude from on a regular basis, it’s true. After 5 games, the truly destined will be 0-5. There are those that come on strong after, like the Bungles last year, and the Cruds. It's time to put your fumbles where the turf is. Let's play ball!!!!!