WEEK 6 WRAP-UP and NO CIGAR!!

BROWNS EXIT BASEMENT. STOP.  RAIDERS PLAY LIKE FOOTBALL TEAM, SEND FANS INTO DELIRIUM. STOP. GAGS AND TITANICS PLAY EPIC EPIC EPICAC STRUGGLE. STOP.  BUCS PLAY SO BADLY THAT JAWS DROP AS FAR AWAY AS KAMCHATKA. STOP. JETS MAY BE UNSTOPPABLE. STOP. 

and now, a short except of a song I heard last night, which said it all for our Doormat Brethren here in the Basement:

THE REMINDER SONG
by Shaina Taub
Now preachers and teachers and scholarly brains
Have tried to provide some ways to explain why shit can go so badly
Well I've had a helping or two of the blues
I go back for seconds and thirds cause I choose 

to stomach sorrow gladly
For I have a theory that might sound crass
And to that hypothesis I raise a glass

Here's to the chaos
The sacred mundane
Three cheers for agony
A toast to the pain
Hats off to everything that leaves a scar For reminding me who my friends are.

And with that, on to:

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK SIX
 

NFC             W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-5              120       204      -84

St. Louis         1-3               84        119      -35 

Washington    1-5               132      166      -34        

Minnesota       2-4              104      143       -39

Atlanta           2-4               164      170       -6

         

AFC                              

Jacksonville    0-6               81       185      -104

Oakland         0-5                79       134      - 55

Tennessee      2-4                104     153      -49

NY Jets          1-4               96        158      -62

Miami            2-3               120       124      -4

JAGUARS 14, TITANS 16
The much anticipated epic battle between two Basement Bombers!  The Gags got 27 first downs, but overcame that with a couple well placed turnovers and racking up their own QB for six sacks.  Jags make it close with last minute desperation TD but can't get the on-side kick and whew that was close.  Titanics are close but....no cigar.

BROWNIES 31,  STEELERS 10
In a starkly obvious changing-of-the-guard moment, the Cleveland Browns get our unofficial ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS send off from the basement.  Pulverizing the hated Pittsburgh Steelers, and doing it in commanding fashion, at home, was a moment of glory in Cleveland, and the joy in the stands was off the hook.  They have to get past 8 victories to really, truly exit the basement, so hold on.  But Blank Helmet football has a new meaning in the NFL.  They're gonna blank YOU.

BUCCANEERS 17,  RAVENS 48
This game was over so fast, Bucs fans were still loading their toy cannons in the backyard and it was already 28-0 Ravens.  In a blinding display of Johnny Depp Defense, the Bootineers ensure that Florida has the worst teams in AFC and the NFC for another week.  I'm still disappointed in the lack of punting this year, with 6 being a common high number.  Where are the 8 or 9 punt games?  Boots have some work to do.  Especially since next week is Minnesota and they still have Washington on the schedule, they could slip up and win again.

No it's never gonna, never gonna end, no, no, no 
No it's never gonna, never gonna end, no, no, no 
Not the mis'ry nor the company, my friend
So fill each other's cupAnd never give it up

VIKINGS 3,  LIONS 17Rookie QB Terry Bridgewater throws three laser point interceptions and they punt 7 times. And they're playing outside and it's going to get really really really cold.  This is what I'm talking about.  Thank you, Yikings.

RAIDERS 28, CHARGERS 31New coach Tony Sporano injects some brains and will into the previous hapless Raiders, and they come out swingin'.  The offense looked nothing like it has in the previous 4 losses. However, it's plain the Raider defense would gladly give up 50 points if the offense would just go 3 and out.  I watched this one, and they played valiantly in defeat.  It was an old-fashioned AFL wild one. BENGALS 37,  PANTHERS 37Parity Division miracle.  But, now they can't go 8-8, so it's unclear what this achieves for anybody.
Now they gotta go for ANOTHER tie.

JETS 17, BRONCOS 31

Jets are terrible. And that's why they're gonna be on Thursday Night Doormat this week!!

Cause here's to the hopin' 
When odds are a joke 
Three cheers for foolish dreams 
When everything's broke

Hats off to every 'close, but no cigar' 

Here's to the chaos

The sacred mundane
Three cheers for agony
A toast to the pain
Hats off to everything that leaves a scar For reminding me who my friends are.

Keep reminding me who my friends are


-The Reminder Song
by Shaina Taub

AAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!

0-7 for the Seventh Time.

Bucs 13,  Panthers 31

And another invert mirror score 13-31.   Not long ago, this would have been an epic Doormat struggle. Not any more.  The Carolina Panthers have cleared .500 for the first time in five years, and the Tampa Bay Bootineers rush in to take up the space left on our sofa in the Basement.  And, BOY, do they look comfortable.

They even brought us all these super cool plastic magnetic can cozies.   'Fish can put it up on the metal plate in his forehead and use it like a drainage cup, were his head to start leaking.  

0-7 for the seventh time in franchise history.  Losers of 12 of their last 13.   No turnovers, only 5 punts, but 51 passes and no touchdowns until 3 minutes left in the game- a garbage time TD, when the Panthers were already pouring Gatorade on each other.

Is there anybody they can beat? Why would they want to?   In two weeks the Dolphins come to town on a Monday night, a Doormat Marquee headliner.  After that,  the Bills on Dec.8th, and then the Lambs on Dec. 22nd.  The Lambs could be in complete Doormat Monster mode by then, and the Bucs may win a game.  Those three are all that's left between them and a date with History, becoming the only franchise to lose them all TWICE.

C'mon BUCS!!!!!

The Doomat Division: UPSET WEEKEND!! NFL WEEK 15 Wrap-Up

Just before kickoff Sunday morning I had a revelation. Almost all the games on Sunday were between teams with a winning record and a losing record. There were only 2 doormat games on the schedule. It’s late in the season, teams are desperate in multiple categories. Perfect for upset weekend. But, it was too late to change my predictions, so I had to just sit back and wait for the scores to come in.

WOW. We have a lot of fun with our crummy teams here in the Doormat, but now’s our chance to say man do we love it when we kick some ass. Hats off and a celebratory bonfire of pizza boxes in the Weber this morning on the Basement Patio to our long-suffering, down-trodden, bastions of bumble-tude, the Doormat Division. Forever may they wave the white flag.

Look at all them all:

Chargers 34, Ravens 14

Pheebles 45, Jets 19

Pansies 28, Texans 13

Seahags 38, Bears 14

Deadskins 23, Giants 10

Cheaps 19, Packers 14 !!!!

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13 !!!!!!!!!

A-maz-ingly, the Chargers, Cheaps and Pheebles, after all their implosion, can still win their divisions and make the playoffs. The Cards and the Seahags can still make the playoffs. It will take a minor miracle, but I’m not ruling out anything in this wild finish coming up for the next two weeks. I mean, just look at the flop job the Raiders have pulled in the last 3 weeks. Oh, I’m getting dizzy looking up at the top of the standings.

OK, that’s enough of that. This is the land of the Moldy Carpet Trophy, and the whole things is officially up for grabs as of today. Here’s what the PROS did over the weekend:

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13

There are no perfect teams left in the NFL today, as the Indianapolis Colts, led by Mr. 0-16, Dan Orlovsky, pull a fast one of the Tennessee Titans. The last time the Colts won a game was 50 weeks ago, and their opponent was…the Titans. They need to work these guys onto the schedule a little more often. The Dolts still only got 10 first downs (not the WORST team this weekend), but capitalized on Titans turnovers, and finally, FINALLY, won a game. I knew Orlovsky was just NOT going to be a 2-Time 0-16 loser. He was their ace in the hole. Shoulda played him sooner.

HOWEVER, the Moldy Carpet is no done deal now, people!!! The Lambs AND the Yikings, who took it to the house on Sunday, are right there at 2-12, and the difference in points, our tiebreaker, is

Dolts -184 , Lambs -180, and the Yikings -112. It’s no lock- Andrew Luck Lock yet.

Final Games:

Lambs: Pittsburgh, San Francisco

Dolts: Houston, Jacksonville

Yikings: Washington, Chicago

Lambs have almost no chance of winning either of those games. Steelers will be seriously pissed off, after last night’s pummeling, but Rothlisberger will take the game off almost for sure. Lambs won’t win. They will, in fact, be lucky to score a touchdown for the rest of the season (God I hate those late garbage time TDs). But they need to lose by wide margins to insure the Dolts don’t pad their points lead. The Dolts could win both their final games, with the Jacksonville game a very real possibility, as those guys may just really tank it for week 17, since they won’t have to worry about being the only team that DIDN’T beat the Dolts. I mean, where’s the motivation now, coach? The Yikings have the toughest schedule, two teams that can lose on any given Sunday, and do it with style. The Deadskins won big yesterday, but so what? The Bears are just a shell of their former selves, with injuries and drug busts hounding them into the woods where they just might hibernate until next May. Yikings have to lose BIG in both games.

It’s going down to the last weekend in Jacksonville.

St. Louis Rams 13, Cincinnati Bengals 20

Underdog Weekend was so complete, this was on TV for the morning game in the Basement. It’s extremely low-tech down here. SACKS: Injured Lambs QB Sam Bradford (36) has lost the sack lead to Alex Smith (39 and 18 in three weeks!) by parking on the bench. However, if you go by teams, the Lambs have 49 total, which leads the league. So it doesn’t matter who’s in there. Nobody’s open and there is no protection. If the Cardinals Kevin Kolb could just keep his butt in a game, he’d run away with the Sack Crown, checking in with 30 in just 9 games- !!!!! The Lambs, once again, did nothing all game, move the ball a bit between their 20 and the 50, and score a meaningless touchdown with a minute to go in the game. Lambs give A.J. Green a big play, Lambs special teams give up 2 big runbacks, and the whole thing is the usual workman-like L that we’ve come to expect from these Doormat Kings. Never ever count this team out of the run to the Moldy Carpet Trophy. They just may nab it.

Minnesota Vikings 20, New Orleans Saints 42

As usual, the Yikings look pretty good in the first half, and then implode in the second half. Somebody fire the conditioning coach. Somebody fire somebody. Bring back the purple pants, at least. What do they DO in there at halftime? Have an Andrew Luck séance? Ever listen to Tom Wait’s “What’s He Doing in There?” It’s like that. The Saints rack up 573 yards of offense. 573. That’s how far my Lincoln gets on a tank of gas. The great thing about the Yikes is, you can turn the ball over just as many times as you like, and they aren’t going to trouble you with it. They just politely punt it back in a few plays. Plus, they’ll give you at least 4 free first downs with a variety of well-timed penalties. These guys need to stop playing indoors. It isn’t working.

Cleveland Browns 17, Arizona Cardinals 20 (OT)

The Brownies hit the 10 Club in style, blowing the lead in the 4^th quarter, and then capitulating in OT just as quickly as possible. The Crudinals have improbably vaulted to an improbable 7-7, and have the most improbobabble outside shot to make the playoffs, besides the 14 other teams with the same odds. It is amazing to me the Brownies can’t even get into field goal range for one of the best kickers in the league, Phil Dawson. He got one shot, and made it. Blank Helmet Football now and forever.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 15, Dallas 31

Make no mistake about it, folks, the Tampa Bay Bootineers are the worst team in football right now. This team is completely off the hook. They are doing it from every angle. An off-the-rails train that is NOT slowing down. What does it say about your team that your longest gainer of the game, and first first down, ends in a fumble? Josh Freeman, Doormat All-Star. The only reason WR Preston Parker didn’t get a fumble is he never caught a pass all game. Dallas needs to bone up on their preparation, and let him catch one. If Freeman and Parker are still on this team next year, we’ll know that the Boots are serious about winning the Moldy Carpet in 2012. These guys are money. Seven first downs, only 43 total plays, and only 8 possesions (I don’t count one play before half-time). Clearly the game plan was to minimize offense and keep their defense on the field for as long as possible, to cut down on turnovers. And it worked! Only one- but it was a signature moment.

Miami Dolphins 30, Buffalo Bills 23

They Did It. With two games to go, the Buffalo Nils get loss number 9. I think they are going to make it- incredible. The 10 Club and keeping their banner on the Doormat Division Masthead. Once 5-2, the Nils have lost 7 straight, have lost linemen, running backs, and just about every conceivable important position player. Ryan Fitzpatrick vaults into the INT lead with 3 more interceptions, and the Nils pull out the orange cone defense that was so popular in the early part of this season. It’s a lot colder in Buffalo this winter than usual.

Special Mention: Raiders 27, Lions 28

Raiders are losing in every way possible. Gonna finish 7-9. It’s real dark in the Black Hole.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWEST NFL WEEK 15 STATS

Points: 10 Giants

First downs 7 Buccaneers

Yards: 190 Buccaneers

Pass: 82 Colts (and they WON)

Run: 58 Buccaneers

Turnovers 4 Steelers, Eagles, Jets (Jets-Eagles game a real doozy)

Sacked: 7 Ravens

Penalties 11-93 Jets (man that Eagles-Jets game a real slop-fest)

aaAAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

FUMBLE!!

Sure, Joe Flacco is leading the league in fumbles, with 10. Sure Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are in hot pursuit with 9, with Michael Vick and Blaine Gabbert bringing up the rear with 8. But these guys handle the ball on every play. What about the guy who is averaging a fumble every 4.8 times he touches the ball?

Tampa Bay WR Preston Parker is your man. Arrested in 2007 after falling asleep at the drive-thru window at a McDonald's at 4 am while totally having the munchies but passing out before the bag arrived (arrest officially for a DUI and 'under the influence' of pot), Parker is keeping up the fuzzy senses all the way to 2011. 29 catches on the season, and 6 fumbles. Wow! I wonder how many of QB Josh Freeman's 15 interceptions are tipped balls by Parker? I'm guessing four, at least. No wonder the Bucs have faded to 4-6.

Doormat ALL-STAR!

So Who Really Is the Worst NFL Team?

The Doormat Division has a storied history of bumbling and fumbling to the most extreme levels of boneheaded badness. But which city or franchise is the all-time doormat?

Well, here are few facts to help answer that question.

Since the beginning of the modern era (the first Super Bowl and the advent of Howard Cosell) we have tracked the biggest doormat from each league/conference, and through detailed statistical analysis, and a few spins of the frozen turkey, have determined the NFL/NFC and AFL/AFC Doormat Champions and each year's winner of the Moldy Carpet Trophy in the Doormat Bowl.

You can see the complete list here: Doormat Champion History.

Here are the teams with the most appearances in the Doormat Bowl:

AFC

Kansas City- 6

Houston- 6 (once as Texans)

Buffalo- 5

Cinncinati-5

New England- 4

NFC

New Orleans- 7

Tampa Bay- 6 (once as an AFC, but 6 total)

Arizona (Phoenix, never at St. Louis)- 5

Atlanta- 4

Detroit- 4

NY Giants- 4

And the teams with the most Moldy Carpet Trophies are

​

Houston- 5 (all as the Oilers)

New Orleans- 3

New England- 3

Detroit- 3

Buffalo- 3

Tampa Bay- 3

From these numbers, it's hard to call an all-time doormat champion, but Houston is a strong favorite with 6 AFC Doormat championships and 5 Moldy Carpets. However, New Orleans (7 and 3) and Tampa Bay (6 and 3) are close. Kansas City has 6 appearances in the Doormat Bowl, but couldn't get the loss.

By the way, the only two perfect Doormat Seasons are Tampa Bay (0-14) in 1976 and Detroit (0-16) in 2008.

We will be posting final season standings and other stats later. Maybe then we can do a little more analysis to determine who is really the Worst City in the NFL

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK II Wrap-Up and Dispoal

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK II Wrap-Up and Disposal

Some new contenders are appearing on the distant hash-mark, down there amongst the abandoned blocking contraptions and gin bottles the groundskeeper dropped.

Dallas Cowgirls 0-2 His dad he ain’t, but Wade Phillip’s bum must be getting pretty warm.

Minnesota Antiques- 0-2 Brett Favre doesn’t just LOOK old.

But, let’s face it, these new pretenders have nothing on our core group of experts, who really took it to the loss column yesterday. These guys are BANK. We know who I’m talking a-BOUT. Lambs! Brownies! Nils! Kittens!

Lambs lose to a terrible team! Brownies lose to a team that STILL hasn’t scored an offensive touchdown on a drive longer than 10 yards! Kittens lose two very close games, and the morale has to be wavering. Down they go! Nils! Nils! Nils! I don’t have to write a thing about those guys. I think they’re the IT team this year.

Game of the Weak

Raydurz 16 Lambs 14.

First, I’d like to point out that the Brownies and Cheaps bumbled their way to the same score, but I’m going with the Raydurz, who have it all down to a science, except that they keep putting Bruce Gradkowski into the game, the fans and team get inexplicably fired up, and they win. 25 first downs will not lose the game, men. Some game totals, from the blacked-out nether reaches of Oakland: 20 total penalties. 5 sacks. 3 interceptions. 3 fumbles, 9-27 on third downs. These teams were working it, but the Raydurz were no match for the Lambs, and who is? Sam Bradford is getting to work on his evasion skills, which he needs to work on, and Stephen Jackson is no help, even after my predictions, which were WRONG.

The Raydurz should release Gradkowski…they’re not getting any consistency this way.

Raydurz have done one thing right- got rid of the 4-headed running back, and now they give it to Darren McFadden, who has been their best back for 3 years but nobody noticed.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Bengals 15 Ravens 10

A true stinker is a game where there are no touchdowns, neither team gets more than 9 first downs, there are more than 15 punts, and at least 4 turnovers. Plus the weather is horrible, you forgot your poncho, your BBQ tipped over at the tailgate, melted your cooler, and you stepped in a dogpile on your way into the stadium, but don’t notice until you sit down. This is a hard standard to match, or exceed, but it helps sort things out when it’s almost too close to call. AND WE HAVE A CLOSE ONE.

Following these standards, the Bengals-Ravens win vs. Cheaps- Brownies by a FRACTION.

Here’s the comparison!

Ben/Rav Ch/Brwn

Punts 15 14

Turnovers 4 3

First Downs 28 29

Touchdowns 1 3

Penalties 14 13

But, I’m sorry you can’t score three touchdowns and be the Stiff of the Week.

WORST UNDEFEATED TEAM EVER

Celebrate now, Cheaps fans. This can’t last. I sure frikkin’ hope not. The Cheaps have NOT had a real touchdown drive. They are 2-0. The pathetic 0-and-9ers are coming to Arrowhead next week, and….God, they could go 3-0. Oh, this is painful. But, on the upside, after tonight’s blowout against the Saints, the Niners could nail town being my NFC team by losing in KC next week. I would have no choice buy to put on my Red and Gold and be one of the Pointlessly Faithful. But, come ON, Cheaps, you can’t go 3-0 and be in the Doormat Division. There’s just no perspective over there.

And let’s not forget the TampaBums. Also 2-0, admittedly playing only Doormat teams, and next week the unsteady Steelers limp into town. But at least it’s a real game.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

That’s tonight, sports fans. Saints-Niners. Although, the Falcons really did a serious beat-down on the Cardinals.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bums 20 Pansies 7. Pansies looking like they’ve opened some bigger holes in their porous defense, and have simplified their offense to a one touchdown machine. Watch out for these guys.

Kittens 32, Eagles 35 This had to really hurt at the Catbox (isn’t that their new stadium?), as Shaun Hill brings his A game to Detroit. Tantalizingly close. Still, he’s better than what the Niners got rid of him for.

Seahags LOSE! Yay. We can all appreciate this.

Gaguars Lose! Getting on track.

Nils 7, MeatPackers 34. I pretty much nailed this one. I understand the Nils. I am in harmony. But their not my team, so what kind of fool am I? 4 sacks, 2 interceptions, only 11 completions. 62 yards passing. Will the Nils win the anemic totals derby again this week? Let’s find out:

I really shouldn’t do this until tonight’s game ends, but WTF:

DOORMAT WEAK II ANEMIC STATS DERBY!!

POINTS: 7 Pansies, Cardinals

Total yards: 127 Steelers (and they WON)

Passing: 21 Steelers (21? 21?)

Rushing: 18 Deadskins (these guys are still on the radar)

Rushing BOTH TEAMS: 74 Bears-Cowgirls. Watch for many more losses from these two, though Mike Martz does have Jay Cutler happily slinging away.

Turnovers: 6 Gaguars (wow)

Penalties: 10-107 Cardinals

As you can see, the Doormat Division is getting a lot of competition around the league. The whole damn league is off to a Doormat start, if you ask me.

aaaaAAAAAAND THAT’s THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!