Week 17 Bucket Toss and NFL Predictions

Hey, how did it get to be 17 weeks to play 16 games? I hear games are taking longer with all the replays, reviews, challenges, and TV ad timeouts. Maybe that's why?

Anyway, we now approach the "Final Destination" weekend for NFL Doormats (Final Destination is the movie series where people nearly miss death but were really supposed to die so Fate stalks them and picks them off one by one for the rest of the movie) . So let's remember what it takes to actually earn a spot on the coveted Doormat Basement Couch--you gotta lose at least 10 regular season games.

Right now, San Diego, NYJ, Los Angeles, Chicago, Jacksonville, San Francisco, and Cleveland have all done an admirable job. But there are still three teams hanging around with 9 losses who could make it to the elite Doormat club and have the chance to eat stale potato chips and drink warm Hamm's beer on the nicotine stained Barcalounger: Carolina, Philadelphia, and Cincinnati. Sorry, Minnesota, at 7-8 you have managed a spectacular meltdown from 5-0, but even a loss to seal an under .500 season will not bring you in from the patio. But we will let you drink a beer around the Hobart when we grill hot dogs on Super Sunday.

And here are the predictions for these Doormat hopefuls:

Cowboys- 38
Philadephia- 17
(Yes, Eagles get in!)

Ravens- 14
Bengals- 17
(Sorry, Bengals, Ravens let down on week 16 and hand you a win)

Panthers- 14
Buccaneers- 24
(Panthers go from Super Bowl to super awful in one season. Nice work and welcome back to the basement!)

And the next question is, will the Niners tie the Browns for worst at 2-14? Well, Niners play the Seahawks, so no problem them. Hawks 38, Niners 12 (2-14). Cleveland plays an angry Steelers team hell bent on making the Super Bowl this year. Sorry, Niners, Cleveland CAN'T win this game. Steelrs 27, Browns 10 (TD with one minute on the clock).

And the rest of the 10-loss crowd predictions are:

Jaguars- 10
Colts- 28

Bears- 9
Vikings- 12
(Sorry, Vikings, you don't even get the patio now).

Bills- 35
Jets- 10

Cardinals- 27
Rams- 3

Chiefs- 21
Chargers- 18

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

WEEK 16 REPORT: BROWNS OFFICIAL NFL GAME WINNERS

BROWNS WIN?

49ERS WIN?

JAGS WIN??

YEAH, BUT THE JETS, BEARS, LAMBS AND CHARGERS HELD SERVE

(the Doormat Division does not claim ownage of this cheerful meme.  Just sharing)

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 16 STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      1-14
Jacksonville -   3-12
NY Jets -          4-11
San Diego -      5-10
Cincinnati -       5-9-1
Bills                  7-8

NFC
San Francisco - 2-13
Chicago -           3-12
Los Angeles -     4-11
Carolina -           6-9
Philly-                6-9

Arizona               6-8-1

THE GAMES

CHARGERS 17, BROWNS 20
Browns Win!  Browns Win! What looked like a sure loss 5 weeks ago loomed as the biggest trap game of this epic season for the Brownies, and it proved to be their undoing in the noble quest for a winless season.  The Chagrins, on a 4 game skid that has all the elements of a franchise cleaner after the season comes to a final thud next week vs. the Chiefs, were impossible to lose to.  Top headline on Chargers' web page this morning:  Chargers to Pick Seventh in Draft.  Movin' on Up!!

I'm gonna be fair: the Browns played a decent game- they even blocked a field goal attempt- and the Chargers played like a team that wanted to get that coveted 10th loss against a real Doormat opponent.  If you can lose to the Browns, boy do you ever belong.

Not that the Browns didn't try: they couldn't get a clinching first down and handed the ball back to the Chargers with 1:46 to go and they did their best, getting the Chargers to the Browns 35 with :44 on the clock.  Chargers QB Philip "Why is Everybody Blowing It?" Rivers promptly spiked the ball to burn a play and then fumbled on the next (but the Browns let him recover it), pushing themselves back to the 38 (a 55 yard field goal).  The Browns responded with allowing an 11-yard pass- and a step out of bounds- to set up a 45-yard field goal attempt by Josh Lambo...which he craftily kicked wide right.

879 Frozen Fans went nuts!

Okay, so the Browns won't be 0-16.  But they can STILL win the Moldy Carpet- the Niners and Jags both won!- and become the first Browns team to ever be the Worst of the NFL.  So, huge game next week vs. Steelers, and my money is on one more glorious loss.

LAMBS 21,  NINERS 22
The Santa Clara 49ers have ONE game plan for ONE team, and it works like a charm.  Now 2-13, the Whines blew their chance to move into a tie with the Browns for the bottom of the NFL.  But whaddya gonna do when you have to play the only team that knows how to lose to you?  Good God, the Whines scored 2 touchdowns in the second half.  That is so rare that I've cleaned off the pizza box table in the Rumpus Room in the Basement more often than that happens.  Actually, we haven't' cleaned the table in so long I'm not sure there's a table there.

The Whiners pulled to 21-20 with the game clock on its last gasp, and you knew- you KNEW- the Lambs had it wired to get Kaepernick across the goal-line for the 2-point conversion.  Game over.

We are impressed that the Firing of Jeff Fisher has had no effect on the Lambs.  They have kept focus through all the distractions.
Lambs are worse than the Niners, and don't you forget it.  Ownage!!

TITANS 17, JAGS 38
Just when you thought the Jags could lose anywhere, anytime, they...WIN.  Scoring early and scoring late, the Jags played inspired ball one week after their popular (with the players) coach got fired. They nailed down their first win at Ever Banking-on-the-Loss Field in more than a year.  No more tears of teal!

Jags QB Blake Bortles played error-free ball, and even caught a TD pass.  Titans QB Marcus Mariota injured his ankle and was replaced by....wait for it.....Doormat All-Star Matt Cassel.  Matt came through for the team, throwing a Bortles-worthy Pick-Six to seal the loss- a 14 point swing in two plays (right after Bortles TD catch).   Pow! Blam!

JETS 3, PATRIOTS 41
At least somebody around here knows how to get things done.  The Jets ran their one-man wrecking crew- Ryan Fitzpatrick- out there after Bryce Petty went down trying to tackle a fumble return and, though he didn't get a Pick-Six or Fumble-Six, Fitz still whipped a couple INTs, got no TDs, went  0-2 in the red zone (yes they actually got there) and went 1-11 on third down. Petty chipped in an INT in only 3 passes before getting injured, so wow.  The Gang Green defense, once again, looked like they had gangrene.  Odd how that is.

BEARS 21,  WASHINGTON 41
Bears QB Matt Barkley- if only he'd been the starting QB from the beginning.  Slingin' Matt rang up 5 - FIVE- interceptions yesterday.  How none of them are for a pick-six, I have no idea.  The Bears only had to punt once, Barkley was doing such a stellar job.  Bears 3-12 and breathing down the 49ers necks for NFC lead.

THE TEN CLUB:  The Bengals, the Eagles and the Panthers can all finish the season with 10 losses next week.  Keep your fingers crossed!!


aaaaAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

Sixteen Going on Seventeen: Birds, Beasts, and Brownies Prepare for Siberian Splashdowns

What is a Siberian Splashdown? That's a rocket that reenters earth and the chute doesn't deploy and instead of water you hit a 20 foot slab of ice at 147.8 miles per hour. Lots of friction on the reentry, so the ship is pretty hot and the ice melts almost fast enough for it to be a "splash" but not quite.

Anyway, that is how about half the NFL will end the season in these final two weeks.

Cleveland has another chance to clinch, 49ers will definitely not win any more games so they are still in the hunt for worst record of 2016, and several middle of the pack teams such as Tampa Bay and Washington are poised for epic "splashdowns."

And so, the frozen turkey spins while the elves sing in Santa's workshop, and here are Christmas predictions in NFL Week 17!

Go!

ALERT, THESE ARE SATURDAY GAMES. GET THE BEER IN THE FRIDGE BY FRIDAY

New York- 38
Philadelphia- 10
SPALSH!

Dolphins- 17
Bills- 16
(This will be a great game and could go either way)
No matter who loses this one: SPLASH!

Jets- 3
Patriots- 100
SPLAAAAAAAASH!

Titans- 21
Jaguars- 17
No splash here, Jags have been in the slush for over a month.

Vikings- 9
Packers-125
SPLASH!

Chargers- 28
Browns- 3
Clinch! Pop the champagne on the Cuyahoga baby!

Redskins- 17
Bears- 21
SPLASH!

Falcons- 76
Panthers- 21
SPLASH!

Colts (what, how did they get to 7-7, well it ends here) 28
Raiders- 31
SPLASH!

Buccaneers- 17
Saints- 33
SPLASH!

Cardinals- 10
Seahawks- 42
SPLASH!

49ers- 10
Rams- 12

Bengals- 10
Texans- 21
SPLASH!

And though these are not Doormat games, Sunday and Monday will be some great football:

Ravens- 28
Steelers- 30

Broncos- 14
Chiefs- 10
(SPLASH!)

Lions- 13
Cowboys- 34
SPLASH!

And there you have it!

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Losing Bigger Than You Can

YER FIRED

Go away.

Jeff Fisher may have been denied becoming the losing-est coach of All Time (Time, Space, Velocity, Mass, the whole thing) when the Rams fired him a week ago, but Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley got his name in the record books before getting canned: the 'best' losing percentage of any coach who has been at the helm for at least 60 games in the NFL.  

14-48

.225

That's not chopped liver.  Chopped liver is like kidney pie, except needs salt.

Gus Bradley

g'bye, Gus.  We hardly knew ye, which is..I never heard of this guy.

It is reported that the Jags may bring back original Jacksonville coach Tom "Sure we sucked, but at least we're not the Jets" Coughlin, who compiled a 68-60 record with the Jags from 1995-2002. 

Lookin' spry, Tom.

This, of course, reminds us of the saga of the Chicago Cardinals of the 1940's who brought back handsome Jimmy Conzelman 

 in 1946 and won the championship just a year later in 1947, defeating the Philadelphia Eagles 28-21.  Conzelman had gone a wonderfully Basement-worthy 8-22-4 previously, and had gotten canned in '42 while finishing the year with 6 straight losses. 

How could someone who had been pretty bad get re-hired?  Because the legendary Phil Handler took over for 1943-44-45, posted a 1-29 record and, most importantly, was at the helm for 23 losses of the all-time record 29-game losing streak (as Conzelman had helpfully loaded up the first 6).  Suddenly, Conzelman looked pretty good. 

There's Phil- no. 20, there, ready to block for halfback Conzelman.  

It should be noted that, once the Cardinals finally won a game, 16-7 over the Bears, they followed that up by getting trounced 28-0 by the Lions the next week, and capped the season off with 6 more big L's.  

SO, there's precedent, here, and we think that if they can just find Conzelman (how much older than Coughlin could he be?) or any of his descendants, they should definitely make the hire.

-wacko

addendum: Of course, the big factor in those losing seasons for the Cardinals is just about every single player from the 1941 team joined the armed forces to fight in WWII. On the other hand, same was true for all the other teams, but the Cards must have really just had a bunch of 4F's off the local bus that happened to be driving by the stadium. The war ended in '45, and the men (and women) returned to civilian life, and the Cards returned to their more true football roster by '46.

WEEK 15 REPORT: Turn off Your Mind, Relax and Float downstream. And Fumble.

BROWNS REACH NEW LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS!

49ers ACHIEVE HISTORIC LEVELS OF...OF...

BEARS DO IT AGAIN!

JAGS TRYING SO HARD TO BE THE WORST!

VIKINGS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! WITH A HAMMER!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15 STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      0-14
Jacksonville -   2-12
NY Jets -          4-10
San Diego -      5-9
Cincinnati -       5-8-1


NFC
San Francisco - 1-13
Chicago -           3-11
Los Angeles -     4-10
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-9

Arizona               5-8-1

THE GAMES

BROWNS 13, BILLS 33
The Browns haven't had a lead since 7-6 at halftime of the Nov. 10th game vs. the Ravens.  They're 3-27 over the last two years. They knew the Bills were going to run the ball yesterday, and, sure enough the Bills ran the ball...280 yards of it for a 7.0 per run average.
The Browns opened the game with a 12-yard run for a first down- which was nullified by a holding penalty.  Welp!  Time to hit the tailgate out in the parking lot! I'll refill the cooler! Please don't text me. 

The Brownies are in the Blank Zone. The Blank Helmet Zone. They are, literally, The Blanks. They are free of hindrances, the way ahead is open, I can hear a parade of sorts: a grimy, kicked to the curb kind of parade, I hear car horns and smell fumes and a barrel of tallow behind the dumpster in back the greasy spoon serving Brownie Bake Sale items.  Bring back Chomps. Somebody go to the Dawg Pound and find something, anything, to take to an off-leash area (say, the 45-yard line) and see if something happens. But bring your plastic bags.
Next loss: at San Diego.  Well, at least they'll get warm. 

49ERS 13, ATLANTA 41,OOO
Has anybody noticed that the Falcons are kinda doing a Doormat Blow-Out Tour?  This game coulda been a 600 yard, 60 point affair. Whiners hit milestone...and had to be carted off the field. They are now not only the losing-est team in 49er history (and there's been some lulus), they also have given up more yards than any 49er ever ever ever. 38 years kind of ever. Yesterday's 500 Falcon yards put them well over the top. But it wasn't called a Falcon 500. It was a Galaxy 500.

As usual, the Whines were kind of playing football for the first half, and then did not play football for the 2nd half (yet there was a game going on!), scoring zero points and amassing 4 first downs. That's grit. Like sand in your hot dog in the dark by the smoky fire at the beach grit. They are nothing if not consistent, and, they are also nothing. The Yin and Yang of their losing perhaps surpasses the Browns.  But the Browns still have the big zero, so shut up.

JAGS 20, TEXANS 21
I really do wish someone had the nerves to beat the Texans. The Jags tried so hard to lose this- only 9 first downs and 12 penalties, I mean that's trying- but there they were, yet again AHEAD (20-10) for no good reason going into the 4th quarter.  The Gaguar offense punted mercilessly for the entire second half, thwarted only by an errant kick-off return for a touchdown that put the whole thing in jeopardy.  But the non-offense pulled it off, and the defense got tired and there was no coffee (they also ran out of cups, but that's actually a different subject).   Jags right behind the Whines and Blanks at 2-12. 

LAMBS 3, SEAHAWKS 24
Yes, I know this was on Thursday, which is like an ice age ago in football, but I just want to point out that the Lambs keep scoring less and less points and are still under 200 (197) points scored for the year.  Wouldn't that be something if they could hold it there?  It would be a fitting tribute to fired coach Jeff Fisher, the only 'mercy firing' I've ever seen in my entire life. Or maybe he went in there and begged to get fired to avoid becoming the losing-est-est coach of all time.  I dunno.  They should have had this one still count on his watch.  Just to give him something to remember his time in the NFL by.  Bye-bye Jeff!  The Doormat was your friend.  No, you can't come in.  I said "WAS."

VIKINGS 6, COLTS 26
The Colts need to play the Vikings every week.  They'd be in the Super Bowl.  Everybody'd be in the Super Bowl.  It'd be like a Super Bowl Smorgasborg, with all the drinks poured into Viking horns. The busboys are all named Thor. 

The Yikings first 6 possessions yesterday: Punt, Punt, Punt, Fumble, Interception, Fumble.  It would have been nice if they'd mixed up the punts and turnovers, but you can't argue with that score. Don't argue with guys named Thor, either.  Even though in Sweden every 3rd guy is named Thor.  It's how the Scandinavians have gotten along so well.

BEARS 27, PACKERS 30
No matter what it takes, no matter how tantalizingly close the score may be, put you money on the Bears.  They did it AGAIN, making it even more insanely close with the Pack kicking a field goal with :00 on the clock. This after the Bears tied it with 1:19.  How DO they do it?
Man, wow.  I notice Matt Barkley has the triple-interception thing going now, so Jay Cutler can relax.

OK I gotta make Doormat Christmas Cards, all with that special Doormat Scent!  

AAAaaaaAANd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

Vikings Fans fill New Stadium with Water, Burn Ship

In what started as a classic "We got a new stadium so we are gonna win" kind of year, the once 5-0 Vikings fell to 7-7 in a bumbling crash landing at home where the vaunted Viking "Purple Curtain" turned to Purple Rain and gave up 34 points to the stampeding Colts. Frank Gore found new legs against the Swiss cheese D and ran for 104 yards while Andrew Luck had his best game of the year.

In the aftermath, angry Minnesota fans stole several fire trucks, connected to city water, turned the new stadium into a lake, and burned the entire team in effigy on a sinking Viking ship.

Meanwhile, in the NFC North, the Packers found a way to win, the Lions lost decisively, and the table is now set for a Vikings/Lions swan dive while the Packers waltz off into the sunset for another year in the playoffs.

Browns Could clinch AFC Basement Today

It may not be a cold day in Hell, but it is definitely a cold day on the shores of Lake Eerie in icy, snow-packed Buffalo, New York, where the Cleveland Browns could reach the next milestone in a historic season, which is clinching the AFC Basement. 

It won't be a cake walk--or a day of ice fishing wth a bottle of Schnapps either--as the Buffalo Bills have been a schizophrenic team all season. They could run for 800 yards and score 50 points or they could run backwards all day and give up 4 safeties. Who knows?

But no matter what, all the Doormat fans will be glued to this game today. If Cleveland can lose and Jacksonville gags up another loss, Brownies clinch and the only thing left for Cleveland to go 0-16 will be a tough game at home against San Diego and then a stroll in the park loss to the surging PIttsburg Steelers in the yellow and black Steeler stadium on the rivers in Pittsburg where the fans will be screaming for red meat and a trip to the Super Bowl. What a way to wrap your season and toss it in the dumpster. 

BILLS-BROWNS-BRRR

BILLS vs BROWNS!  Tix going for $7!!!!

Game time temperature: 29º (feels like -243º) , snow showers expected

Lousy weather is supposed to level the playing field...the Browns may need something more than level.

Bills working on being out of playoffs for 18 straight seasons.  Browns looking to go 0-16.  A lot at stake.  Like, the sanity of the fans.

ALERT! JETS attempt to slip by us with a game TONIGHT!!

ALERT! ALERT!

JETS TRYING TO STAGE GAME ON SATURDAY NIGHT IN QUEENS BEFORE ANYBODY NOTICES

Well, they won't get away with it THAT easily.   Tonight, in chilly NYC, with a game-time temp of about 33º and rain in the forecast, a miserable crowd of literally hundreds of people will huddle under their Gang Green ponchos and paper bagged heads to watch the hot New York Jets (fresh off their scintillating OT victory against the worst 49er team of all time) take on the suddenly bumbling Dolphins.  What else is there to do in NYC on a Saturday in December one week before Christmas? We could try to pull an eat and run over at Trump Tower...

Will the Jets win two games in a row??  They did it once this year (Ravens and Browns...maybe Browns don't count).  With a Fins defense that can't wait to thrash the patch-work Jets offensive line, and with the likelihood of Jets QB Bryce Petty getting chased all over a butt-freezing field, I'd say no.  But, it's not like the Dolphins know where the end zone is, either.  It may be even harder to find in the dark.  

But lousy weather in the northeast, at night, against those warm Miami guys...I can't look.  

I can't wait!!

-Wacko

NFL Week 15 Doormats Prepare for Landings

Jared Goff will face the Seahawks tonight and this photo should be a good example of his basic pocket position during most of the game, well, at least when the Rams have the ball for short periods of time.

The Doormats are now:

Jets- 4-9
Cincinnati- 5-7-1
Cleveland- 0-13
Jacksonville- 2-11
San Diego- 5-8
Philadephia- 5-8
Chicago- 3-10
Carolina- 5-8
New Orleans- 5-8
Arizona- 5-7-1
Los Angeles- 4-9
San Francisco- 1-12

And as we enter Week 15 in the NFL, three games to go, only these teams are still in the hunt for a conference finish in dead last: Cleveland, Jacksonville, Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles. Believe it or not, everyone else is mathematically eliminated. So there is still time for Cleveland and San Francisco to blow it and NOT win the Moldy Carpet. But probably not.

However, all of the above teams are like jet liners with all four engines flamed out and no fuel, desperately looking for a spot to belly flop and not kill everyone on board. Who will have the soft and the hard landings here at the end of the season?

I pick the Rams for hardest landing, with the entire LA fanbase as casualties.  After all, they fired Jeff Fisher! Drat. He was about to become the losingest coach in NFL history, but will now have to wait for another doormat to pick up his contract as he is tied with Dan Reeves at 165 losses (but with far fewer wins). Fisher was 31-45-1 with the Rams.  His final Rams season was filled with expert doormat moves such as the brilliant mishandling of No. 1 overall pick Jared Goff, and a feud with Rams legend Eric Dickerson, plus managing to deflate the spirits of every Ram player and fan. These are the kind of moves Cleveland makes, not LA. So you have to hand it to him. However, now that he is gone (darn) some think the Rams might get up off the mat and win a few. NO WAY! It's 0-3 down the stretch baby. They might even overtake the Niners in the quest for the Moldy Carpet.

And here are the picks for this week:

A Thursday night snoozer!

Rams- 5

Seahawks- 40

Dolphins- 17

Jets- 12

Packers- 51

Bears- 7

Jaguars- 13

Texans- 21

Browns- 21

Bills- 36

(487 yards rushing for the Bills)

Eagles- 12

Ravens- 28

Colts- 21

Vikings- 23

Steelers 42

Bengals- 21

Saints- 10

Cardinals-17

49ers- 3

Falcons- 42

Raiders- 35

Chargers- 28

Panthers- 21

Redskins-28

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

WEEK 14 REPORT: CROWN THE BROWNS?

CROWN THE BROWNS? 

WITHER WHINERS?

   1-13                           0-14

Should we just hand the Browns the Moldy Carpet now?  How could this team possibly win a game? Can the Niners somehow catch them? Can the Jags go back and undo those victories?Are the Rams actually the worst team in the league, but just got a late start?

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

AFC
Cleveland -      0-13
Jacksonville -   2-11
NY Jets -          4-9
San Diego -      5-8
Cincinnati -       5-7-1
Indianapolis-     6-7

NFC
San Francisco - 1-12
Chicago -           3-10
Los Angeles -     4-9
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-8

New Orleans      5-8


BROWNS 10, BENGALS 23
Fearless in their pursuit of the Moldy Carpet, the Browns opened the game yesterday with 5 punts and an interception for 56 yards and about 3 first downs. This got them all the way to the 3rd quarter! On the other side of the ball, they guided Bungles QB Andy Dalton to his highest rating of the year (112.2) and a 20-0 lead at intermission. Browns 'coach' Hue Jackson took the pressure off in the 2nd half and allowed his team to score a little, to avoid hypothermia. He also 'asked for understanding' about RGB III's sloppy start. No worries here Hue, we get it! 0-16 looks good to us. Let the haggling about who is the worst 0-16 team - them or the 2008 Lions.

Browns danger game is the final game against the Steelers, who may have locked up a playoff spot by then and decide to rest the entire roster. A raffle will be held among the local Pittsburgh high schools to to field a team.

GAME OF THE WEEK
NINERS 17, JETS 23 (OT)
You had to see it to believe it. This was serious. The Jests started 3rd stringer Bryce Petty, a fiery fighter of fiesty football fury! Also, definitely a... 2nd string QB. Showing his mettle, he started off, on play 1, with an interception at his own 7-yard line, then following it up with a quick 3 and out. On the backside,the Gang Green (I didn't even have to make that up) defense showed 49er running back Carlos Hyde where the holes were, and the Whiners were up 14-0 and in serious jeopardy with a whole game to play yet. Patience.

The Jets punted and punted, yet the Niners countered with driving and missing field goals (2), a real morale drainer. FU, Jets!! Then they traded field goals. Uh-oh. Niners coach Chip Kelly, nervous about all the yardage being piled up and the nearness of the goal line, and a eye-popping 17-3 lead, ground the offense to a complete halt, finishing off for the day with 6 consecutive punts (ok they ended the first half with the ball, but they would have punted if someone had just given them the time). Later, regarding the 'conservative' offense, Chip said "it's on me."  Chip, we know that.  It's on you like the smell of barf on a fraternity toilet on Sunday morning.

Undaunted, the Jets countered with grim nothing, slipping up on one measly 3rd quarter field goal. Petty was looking like Doormat Gold.
But the Niners, ahead 17-6 with tons of time left in the 4th, had just had enough. Pulling themselves apart collectively on defense, their worst tackling angles finally clicked, the sliding off running backs like water off a duck's back suddenly was easy, and they backed off receivers and dragged the Jets down the field in an arduous 15-play, 9 minute drive, capping it off with a stellar missed tackle by Ahmad Brooks that landed the Jesters in the end zone.

Sure he couldn't do it twice, the Nyets ran Petty right at Brooks for the 2-point conversion and he did a wondrous missed tackle encore, complete with flailing and spinning, and BOOM.
17-14. 

Had enough?  The fun was just starting. With 4:48 to go, and the sound of seagulls echoing around a silent stadium, the Whiners doubled down and punted immediately, gaining 0 yards on 3 plays. By now the Jets knew they were doomed, it was just a matter of time. 8 plays later, the tying field goal (50 yards) wafted into the bay air, noiselessly floating between the goal posts as 30,000 empty red seats waited for the final indignity in OT. 

The Niners won the coin toss, and countered with a new move, turning the ball over on downs, eschewing the punt, as it would put the Jets too far down the field and hey the Jets need to score here. 

The gassed 49er defense gave it all up on this drive, including just giving up on the last run into the end zone for the Jets.  It was the kind of drive that makes evil empire owner Jed York and his minion, GM Trent Balke, cackle into their champagne. If only the Browns would win a game!  The Moldy Carpet could be theirs.  Dream on.  

LAMBS 14, FALCONS 42,000
Lambie rookie QB Jared Goff had the deer-in-the-headlights thing going on yesterday, scoring 14 points for the Falcons with a pick-six and a fumble-six (plus another INT), so, wow, Jared.  But, let's be fair- the entire team stunk like lamb stew that's been on the back burner on a forgotten Greek island restaurant for the entire summer.  2 more fumbles, 7 punts, and 11 penalties for 105 yards. I mean...it's so great they moved back to L.A. It's just what they needed down there. (The Lambs may actually be the worst team in the league right now. Remember, they lost to the 49ers, 28-0, in week 1. Think about that.) The Falcons punted EIGHT times and STILL scored 42 points.  Holy Toledo.  

SAINTS 11, BUCS 16
These guys can't even find the right numbers.  6 field goals, a safety, and 1 touchdown.  Bucs keep winning....Doormat exit!

BEARS 17, LIONS 20
Yet again the Bears make it look close. The Lions were game to lose, but the Bears weren't having it.  Bears got the Lions in the end zone last, and that's all that mattered.  Bears clear the 10 loss marker!

BILLS 20, STEELERS 27
It's interesting watching a team that doesn't start an actual quarterback. If the Bills can keep losing, they can finish 6-10. But the Jets and Browns are on the schedule- forget it.  For certain they will not make the playoffs- that will be 18 seasons without even an invite to the party.  Who needs a party when you can scrape ice off your windshield?

JAGUARS 16, VIKINGS 25
An absolute HAIL of field goals- 7- before somebody scored a touchdown.  My foot is sore. Pick-six machine Jaguar Blake Bortles didn't even throw an interception yesterday. ??  The Jags were ahead going into the 4th quarter! Vikings QB Sam Bradford was looking for another way to prove his Doormat mettle. But it was not to be. The Jags, better than just about anybody at losing at home in stadium deflating fashion, got the fans heading for the exits before the 2- minute warning, as the Vikings got the shock of the afternoon- scoring two TDs in one quarter.  Jags 2-11 and a force.

THREE WEEKS TO GO.  It's all about keeping the losses in your locker room, and watching out for better teams that give up and teams that have made the playoffs, rest everybody, and field a Doormat lineup against you.  Stay strong! Stay disorganized!  Don't adjust!  

aaaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!

Disaster of the Week: Bungles vs. Brownies

It's the battle of Ohio, a twice-year exercise in shockingly bad football played by two teams that really hate each other, so there is usually a lot of fun. What we are talking about it today's game between the Bengals and the Browns.

The Bengals–Browns rivalry has produced 2 of the 8 highest scoring games in NFL history. The Bengals lead the series 47–39. Over the 5 decades of this bottom-feeder mud wrestling match, the Bengals have never lost more times than the Browns, and in the 1970's the record was 10-10. Yes, the Browns have out-Doormatted Cincinnati consistently for over 50 years.

But what about today? Cleveland is on the march to a historic 0-16 season, but if there was ever a game they would fail to lose, it will be this one. 

So the Oracle spins the frozen turkey on this all-important day in Doormat History and, sorry Cleveland, the turkey has spoken, Cincinnati 17, Cleveland 14. 

And now for the rest of the pile:

Redskins: 36
Eagles: 28

Cardinals: 17
Dolphins: 21

Chargers: 28
Panthers: 13

Bears: 8
Lions: 36

Vikings: 21
Jaguars: 10

Jets: 13
49ers: 6
(This is the game to watch this week, even over the Battle of Ohio)

Saints: 21
Buccaneers: 24

Falcons: 42
Rams: 7

And though this is not a Doormat game, it feels like one, and I am going out on a limb here with a large black bird and croaking out: Ravens-28, Patriots-21. 

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

MASTERS OF DISASTER- The Pick-Six Gods

MASTERS OF DISASTER

or "Just Throw it Up There, Someone Will Score"

  

What do Blake Bortles, Brett Favre, Matt Schaub and the Manning brothers have in common?  They all make a great tuna mac.  No, wait:  They've all shown savvy ability to throw the Pick-Six. 

Ah, the Pick-six:  the most efficient Doormat play an offense can run. Less risky than allowing a punt return for a TD (too much can go wrong). Often overlooked in a quarterback's statistics, here at the Doormat Division we take this tally with all due seriousity.

Brett Favre, dangerously confident hero of the frozen north, is the all-time pick-six leader with a seemingly insurmountable 31- 186 magnificent points for the other team. However, Brett, our NFL interceptions leader at 336, took 19 seasons to get those lofty totals.  

Over in Jacksonville, though, Jaguar Blake Bortles (who inspired this article), has been in the league only 3 years, and already has 11. Should he bamboozle someone into letting him start for 6 more years, he'll have 33 in only 9 seasons. Now that's working it. Blake has thrown 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games. He's on fire. I'll bet Charles Woodson wants to come out of retirement for whoever is playing the Jags next- he's only 1 pick-six score behind Rod Woodson, the career leader with 12 (this stat is not helping us keep straight which Woodson is which). 

If Bortles keeps this up, he gets to grab a clipboard and be a back-up for the rest of his career, like the illustrious Matt Schaub.  

For one season,  Peyton Manning has the record with 6 (2001) before he stopped trying to squeeze passes through 4 defenders. After that, it was only 3. 

Tied with Peyton is, of course, the Chicago Bear's Rudy Bukich in 1966. But you knew that. Rudy, a 12 year back-up, got handed the job with the Bears in '65, beating out the gassed Billy Wade, who was two years Bukich's senior at 35. Both of them came up with the Rams, with Wade a #1 pick. The Bears went 9-5, but Bukich was mostly handing the ball to Gale Sayers.  The next year, though, Rudy got his chance- 21 interceptions against 10 TDs. Sadly, no pick-six data for that year.  

For one game, it's Peyton's long-bomb brother Eli (and slew of others) with 3.

For one QUARTER, it's the legendary Ed Baker (3). Baker's moment of glory was his only start for the Houston Oilers in 1972. He went 4 for 10, with four interceptions, so he spread it around, however telegraphed they may have been. He was a Doormat machine. It is notable that the Oilers won the Moldy Carpet that year, going 1-13.

Most consecutive games with a Pick-Six:  4, Matt Schaub, 2013 (Houston Texans). Seems like only 100 years ago when Schaub was considered one of the best in the league and went to the Pro Bowl twice (amassing a whopping -9 yards at Aloha Stadium, showcasing his 2012 talents admirably).  Then the wheels came off: in 2013 Schaub threw 14 interceptions to a measly 10 touchdowns, and ran off the 4 straight games with a pick-six, thus ending his career as a starter (giving way to budding Doormat pro Case Keenum). With his Pick-Six reputation at it's most shining, Matt landed the back-up job with the still-struggling Oakland Raiders in 2014, leading to perhaps his greatest Doormat moment, in the infamous game vs. the St. Louis Rams.  Entering the game at a Doormat Division leading 1-11, the Raiders hit rock bottom in this one, somehow ultimately losing 52-0.  It was the second worst defeat worst game in Raiders history, though possibly the worst game.  [Read our inspired wrap-up:  http://doormatdivision.blogspot.com/2014/12/doormat-week-13-raiders-take-charge.html  ]

Raider rookie Derek Carr was getting shellacked, and, throwing in the towel, interim coach Tony Sparano (who had replaced Dennis Allen in game 5) told Schaub to put on a helmet and do something.

Wasting no time, Schaub responded by throwing his first pass for a pick six. When you aren't getting many opportunities any more, you gotta pad your stats.  Throwing only 9 passes, Matt also fit in 3 sacks and 2 fumbles.  The Silver and Blacked out finished the season 4-12- ironically being beaten out for the Moldy Carpet by the Houston Texans, who went 2-14.  

Schaub is now plying his clipboard trade for the Atlanta Falcons, the team that originally drafted him.  Falcon fans pray every morning, over their beer and cornflakes, that Matt Ryan plays every single down.  

The Pick Six: a chance at immortality for the man willing to take chances.

-wacko