Net Yards Per Play Tell the NFL Doormat Story

Oddsmakers in Vegas (and anywhere else for that matter) say the most telling statistic of all is "Net Yards Per Play" (or at least that is what they said on Fox Sports Talk Radio). This is not net per offensive or net per defensive play (though they are important too), but the difference. In other words, take average yards gained per play on offense and subtract average yards given per play on defense and you get Net Yards Per Play (NYPP). This is the primary data point used to determine spreads when making odds.

So how do our doormats fare? Take a look at the tale told by the table below. One interesting thing is the Chiefs have a doormat-quality stat for Net Yards Per Play, but they are 9-2, but maybe, say the guys in Vegas, not for long...

Seattle leads the NFL in NYPP with New Orleans, Denver, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Detroit, and Arizona are in line behind them. This, say the oddsmakers, means you should see these teams do well in the playoffs (if they get there) and two of them will be in the Super Bowl.

Jacksonville, of course, leads the Doormats! But Houston, oddly enough, is ranked about 14th in NYPP. So their record, and KC's are truly bizarre.

And that is why we love it here in the basement. Pull up a stool, get a warm beer, open some chips, light a cigar, and enjoy some bizarre football this Thanksgiving weekend!

DOORMAT DIVISION: SILVER and BLACKED OUT FRIDAY

TURKEY EXTRA TURKEY  EXTRA

PACKERS  10,  LIONS 40

The Lions hadn’t won on TG day in 11 years.  They also hadn’t won very often on the other days, but you knew that.  Starting off the game with two interceptions and a fumble for a Packer TD, Lions QB Matt Stafford took the early advantage in the struggle for .500 or worse.  Up 10-0, there was a chance the Slack Pack would score 5 defensive touchdowns and- win a game?  Stafford looked in top form.

Cue Packer QB Matt Flynn, the only QB to build a career from one good game. If the Raiders cut someone- who began as the starter- from their team, you really should pay attention. If there is a QB with worse peripheral vision and hearing, he’s not in the NFL. It’s one thing to calmly stand in the pocket and hit your receivers.  It’s another to calmly stand in the pocket and just get hit.  Maybe the team’s name is The Pancackers*, but it’s too long to get on the banners.  The man is Doormat Gold.

Once the Lions realized what incredible nothingness they were up against, they just gave up and scored an avalanche of points.  I think we can just hand the Slackers the WORST OFFENSE and DEFENSE of the week without bothering with anybody else’s stats:

7 first downs.  126 TOTAL YARDS.  7 sacks for 37 yards. A Safety (one of the easiest ones I have ever seen).  Flynn chips in 2 lost fumbles and an interception.   19:34 time of possession- anything under 20:00 is a work of art and deserves special recognition.  It’s only happened twice this year.

Let’s not forget the Defense, long stringy hair and all:  The Slackers give up 561 yards, 3 TD passes, and 241 yards on the ground.  Total Doormat All-Star effort all around. 

Unfortunately, Aaron Rodgers is back next week.  5-6-1 and totally reeling, they have a shot at 10 losses. 

[*their full name is the Green Bay Meat Packers.   Or, at least, that’s the derivation.  The India Meat Packing company ponied up the money for their uniforms in year 1 (A.D.)]

RAIDERS 24, COWBOYS 31

The Oakland Faders (4-8) strike again.  Brilliant in the first quarter (86-41 points advantage), and progressively dreadful the rest of the way!

        PF-PA

1^st:   86- 41

2^nd:  71- 102

3^rd:  40-  62

4^th:  40-95

Outcoached? Out-hustled? Out-maneuvered?  Out-muscled?  Pick one. Pick them all. Someday they’ll play a full game of football.  But it’s not important next week.  The Jets are coming to town.

STEELERS 20, RAVENS 22

The Battle for the Middle rages on.  Steelers dodge .500 (5-7) and the Ravens (6-6) now lead the Parity Division.  I bet that conspiracy of Ravens is off the patio for good.  I bet they don’t come back.  But just remember, Never Bet the Devil Your Head.

Doormat Division Unlucky Week 13 NFL Worst Teams Predictions

Got some serious SEO MOJO going on in that title.

Anyway, the Oracle from the Basement has spun the now empty bottle of Retsina, and while the 28 pound turkey thaws in the garage, and while we air out the cave with a leaf blower, and with the anticipation of another Thanksgiving watching the Lions lose a bad game of football, and with the fans in Houston wishing it were already March, 2014, here are the predictions for this week's doormat teams. Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Patirots-42
Texans- 13

Packers- 28
Lions- 27.8 (I know they are not Doormats, but I gotta call this classic game anyway)

Raiders- 12
Dallas- 36

Pittsburg- 5
Baltimore- 6 (This is probably the best game of the week, actually, these guys hate each other)

Rams- 28
49ers- 24

Giants- 36
Redskins- 12

Jaguars- 17
Browns- 14 (Brownies show upstarts how it's done)

Bears- 24
Vikings- 10

Dolphins- 33
Jets- 21

Cardinals- 21
Eagles- 6

Buccaneers- 14
Panthers- 17

Falcons- 10
Bills- 7

DOORMAT DIVISION: WORST STATS FOR NFL WEEK 12

The Absolute Most Appalling Assortment of 

Awful Achievments

But first, our updated Doormat Division Standings, with Washington's sparkling defeat last night added in:

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Atlanta                2-9          227-309

Minnesota            2-8-1       266-346

Tampa Bay           3-8          211-258

Washington          3-8          252-338

NY Giants             4-7          213-280

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-9         199-289
Jacksonville         2-9         142-324

Cleveland             4-7         203-265

Buffalo                 4-7         236-273

Raiders                 4-7         213-269

NFL WEEK 12 WORST STATS

OFFENSE:

Worst Offense Week 12:   New York Jets.   it was a dogfight, with the Toxins and Deadskins putting up some ghastly numbers, but anytime you mix 3 turnovers with 8 punts and only 3 points, everybody else cries Uncle.   D.C. got only 30 yards and 1 first down in the second half on Sunday.  They just need to put together a 60-minute effort and they'll win this weekly award.

Points:   3     Jets

First Downs:  10   Redskins, Bucs

Net Yards:  190    Redskins

Rush yards:  22    Buccaneers 

Passing yards:  90  Redskins  (hmmm, maybe the Redskins did win worst offense this week)

QB Rating:  22.3   Jets,  Geno Smith (two weeks in a row, but up from 10.1 last week)

INT:    4   Lions (with 1 pick-six) , Matt Stafford  (gave the punter the day off)

Turnovers:  5  Lions

Fumbles:  3   Browns

Sacked:    6-18   Bucs (paltry yard total, though)   4-37  Redskins

Punts:   8    Jets, Packers, Broncos (a second-half barrage)

Red Zone Failure:  0-4  Ravens

3rd Down Conversion:   1-12  Jets  

TOP:  23:11   Colts 

MISC:  

Penalties:   11-85 Dallas,  11-81 NYG  (great game that must have been)

DEFENSE:

Worst Defense, Week 12:  Kansas City Chiefs.  Chargers score all their points on offense, and rack up 491 yards of offense, and QB Philip Rivers gets sacked once.  

Points allowed:  41 Chiefs

Net Yards:   491  Chiefs

First Downs allowed:  28   Patriots

Rush Yards allowed:  258 Bears  (8.8 avg);   280 Pats  (5.8 avg)

Pass Yards allowed:   387  Chiefs  (14.3 avg)

Red Zone Conversions allowed:  3-3 Buccaneers (beat the Lions);  4-5 Chargers (beat the Chiefs)

3rd down conversions allowed:  6-10  Rams;  10-18 Raiders

-wacko

Houston Fans Cope with Cloud

As the photo clearly shows, Houston fans are having to improvise just to get around town thanks to the acrid toxic cloud stirred up by the Houston Texans, er, Toxins. Not that Houston wasn't polluted enough already, but the Toxins' toxic cloud has really put the town on the map. We hear the EPA and the NFL will be holding a joint press conference tomorrow to announce the evacuation of the city.

Houston has never enjoyed football glory, but the current mess makes even the 2-14 '94 Oilers look pretty good. Bud Adams, we feel your pain from the grave. By the way, the Titans were the Tenn. Oilers at one point, when Houston moved, and it looks like they are still having trouble shaking off their history.

Meanwhile, the Gaguars are still gagging from an afternoon tilt with the Toxins, who proved to much for them and forced them into a win. Once the most feared loser in the league, the Gags are now considered vulnerable by every team in the NFL. They might beat anybody.

If they don't get back on track for the rematch in two weeks, the Toxins may be on the way to the Doormat Bowl and the Gags will be on the sidelines in the post season, again.,

PARITY DIVISION STANDINGS

PARITY DIVISION STANDINGS,  WEEK 12

GREEN BAY     5-5-1
St. LOUIS           5-6
SAN DIEGO      5-6
MIAMI               5-6
BALTIMORE   5-6
PITTSBURGH  5-6
TENNESEE       5-6
CHICAGO         6-5
PHILLY             6-5



-Wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 12 WRAP-UP AND PUNT INTO THE TOXIC CLOUD

This Week in the Doormat Division:  Packers-Vikes perfect mediocrity;  Houston Texans move into first;  Browns on pace for 10 losses after all;  Jets finally lose 2 in a row; Chiefs figure out losing; Lions remind everybody who's boss.  Week 12 and still nobody’s lost 10 games.

THE TOXIC CLOUD CANNOT BE STOPPED

TEXANS 6, JAGUARS 13

The Houston Toxins have moved into undisputed first place in the Doormat AFC, at 2-9.   Toxins coach Gary Kubiak on yesterday’s game:  “We struggled to throw and catch and do some of the simple things.”  I might dispute the ‘some’ part of that statement. 

"There's so many things that when you have success, when you have a victory like this, so many things you can point out that lead up to it," Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley said. "That's what I'm most pleased about. It wasn't by accident."  

Well, it sure wasn’t by accident, coach.  The Toxins are on a roll that even you guys can’t stop.  8 losses in row leads up to 9 losses in a row very nicely.  Getting sacked for 19 yards on your first pass attempt sets a tone that has to impress even the biggest Jaguar follower.  The Toxic Cloud is rising above all.

Kubiak has coached from the booth the last two weeks.  With his condition, I recommend he move a bit farther off…say, Ulan Bator.  In a yurt with a B/W zenith TV from 1965.   Honestly, after a week in a yurt and chipping in with the chores, he won’t care if he ever comes back.  Slap some more Yak butter on that Mongolian sesame bread, and relax.

Rematch in two weeks in JAX.  Look out.

PARITY PARITY PARITY PARITY!!

PACKERS 26, VIKINGS 26

941 yards of total offense, and it’s a tie.  “It’s an empty feeling. You go out there and you didn’t lose the game,” said Packers coach Mike McCarthy. We’re disappointed you didn’t lose, either, Mike.   The Porkers lost their chance to get in the loss column, and instead are the Gods of Mediocrity this week, standing at 5-5-1.   The Yikings have dealt themselves a serious blow to their NFC Doormat title hopes with the tie.  Craftily blowing a 16 point lead in the third quarter, the Yikes were then duped into kicking a tying field goal in OT by the Pork, and the season’s most stellar game of Parity played out its paltry pay-off to the paying public in butt-freezing Wisconsin. 

BROWNS 11,  STEELERS 27

Six weeks ago, the Brownies were 3-2, the Steelers were 1-4, and the perennially sufferin’ succotash of Cleveland Fandom could not wait to play the Steelers.  Unfortunately, they had to wait 6 weeks.  They tip-toed into the stadium yesterday. And slumped out.

Blank Helmet Football is back, and the Brownies gift wrap 3 fumbles for the Torn Curtain who, thanks to Parity, are in the thick of the playoff hunt in the AFC North with a 5-6 record.  It was also reported they are eligible for the NHL playoffs, were they to start today.

The Brownies (4-7) have 5 games to go, and can make 10 losses. They can break the Parity bubble, and fall straight down into the big hole.  That would be SIX years in a row.  Next week is the swaggering alley cats of Jacksonville, and the final game of the season could be the clincher against these same hated Steelers.  What a way to go out in 2013, nailing down loss #10 in Pittsburgh.  

LIONS 21, BUCCANEERS 24

It was tough.  Those Bucs are Super Bowl material.  The Boots, racking up 10 first downs and 229 yard of total offense, are just a juggernaut of jinky. The Kittens, obviously unimpressed with the Bucs feeble attempt at being the worst team in the league, whip out 2008 (the glorious 0-16 season) in the Kat Box and show the Bootineers how it's done.  Take that, you smelly upstarts!  Eat our kitty litter!!  Matt Stafford hucks FOUR interceptions and never looks back.  Or forward.  The Kitties are 6-5, and only need another loss and a tie, and they can shut up the Packers.  The Bucs have pretty much blown any chance they had at the Moldy Carpet.  Bring back Josh Campbell!

LAMBS 42, BEARS 21

Sam Bradford will never start for another NFL team.  Except maybe in Texas, where he can get lost in the Toxic Cloud.  That would be perfect.

CHIEFS 38, CHARGERS 41

A good, old-fashioned, AFC West shoot-out.  The Cheaps lose two in row, and suddenly nobody is afraid of them.  They opened up the offense, and a can of worms came out.  It’s too late to finish the season 8-8, but they could make to 9-7.  It’s never too late.

GIANTS 21,  COWBOYS 24

The Cowpies did their best, but it wasn’t enough, as the Giants give up crucial 3^rd down conversions and call 3 time outs to help the Cowpies get into proper position for the winning field goal with :00 on the clock.  The GNATS (4-7) move subtly away from ‘parity.’ 

JETS 3, RAVENS 19

Finally the Jets lose 2 in a row.  Now that they set the record for parity (alternating wins and losses for the first 10 games), maybe they can get down to losing 10 games.  QB Geno Smith is on fire for 2 interceptions,  a fumble, 1-12 on 3^rd down conversions,  and 9 of 22 for 127 yards.  Phew!  Hard day’s work.

RAIDERS 19, TITANS 23

The Raiders let their place-kick holder go last off-season, and it’s cost them 3 games already this year.  Seabass misses from point-blank range, and blames the holder. First time he’s ever done it.  But that’s what happens when you start talking about making the playoffs when you are 4-6.  You end up 4-7 and in the hunt for 10 losses.  Hats off to the Silver and Blacked Out. 

COLTS 11,  CARDINALS 589

Boy, the Clots sure can play a crummy game when they put their minds off it, huh?  Up, down, up , down.  You know what song to cue up.

It won’t be long before we’ll all be there with all that -  PARITY!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Atlanta                2-9          227-309

Minnesota            2-8-1       266-346

Tampa Bay           3-8          211-258

Washington          3-7          246-311

NY Giants             4-7          213-280

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-9         199-289
Jacksonville         2-9         142-324

Cleveland             4-7         203-265

Buffalo                 4-7         236-273

Raiders                 4-7         213-269

aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the BASEMENT!!!

JAGUARS vs. TEXANS: This one's for ALL the Marbles...if they had any

HUGE AFC DOORMAT TILT 

JAGUARS (1-9)  +10  at HOUSTON (2-8)

This is it.  Week 12 brings us to the biggest game in the Doormat this year.  We're tilting the Barcalounger so far back,  we're putting the TV screen on the ceiling.   We've already set up the Lone Star beer I.V. by the Duct Tape Couch, and the Jaguar "Nachos Helmet" is already a dubious cesspit of dried salsa and chips with enough industrial spice dust on them to register on our vintage geiger counter.    The carpet smells like a herd of longhorns just passed through,  and we've herded all the feral cats in the 'hood into the backyard where an incredible racket is kicking up.  

The Toxins have to lose this game to have any hope of taking the Doormat AFC crown.   The NFC leading Atlanta Falcons (2-9) already bagged loss #9 tonight against the Saints, so it's critical to keep pace.  The Jags can get loss #10,  being the first team in the 10 CLUB this year.  That's important.  

Can they do it? WHO? 

The Toxins have SIX straight games giving up a pick-six.   That's outstanding, hasn't happened for at least the last 10 years.  Maybe never.  

Some other things to notice:

Jags will host the Toxins in two weeks, so maybe they'll just wait until then to really try.

The only reason Houston has the #1 defense is they give up the least yards.  Big Deal.   The offense turns it over so often, opposing teams only have to nudge the ball a few yards to score.   They, in fact, give up 27.1 points a game- but, the Jags score only 12.9 per game, so.....

The Jags have the WORST red zone conversion rate, at 33%.   So, the Stinking Herd in Houston will have to place 3 of those turnovers inside their own 5 to get the Jags to put the damn ball in the end zone.  They may have to resort to a safety followed by a lousy punt-after-safety to get some separation from the Jags.  Plus another pick-six at the two-yard line. 

Houston is very good at quitting at halftime.   The Jags do it for prep during the week.  

Gags QB Chad Henne threw for 4 TD passes last year in Houston against the Toxic Cloud...but they still lost the game 43-37.   If the Jags score 43 points on Sunday, that's a third of their total points for 2013.  

Both teams can punt you blind, so I'm predicting 17 punts. With the Jags averaging an impressively tiny 2:12 for each possession, that's a lotta refusing to move the ball.   Only the the punt king Buffalo Bills clock in lower, at 2:07.  

Whoever shanks the most punts will pull out the loss.  The game will be decided by a punt.  You heard me.

TOXINS WIN.   JAGS are the experienced, tested, and polished group in this year's field, and I have every confidence in them to lose this game.   

-wacko

NFL Losers Predictions Week 12

Well, Doormat fans, it's week 12 in the NFL, and the season is about to start winding down. Greatness will start slipping from the grass-stained and bloody fingers of many teams as they lose their shot at the Moldy Carpet. And we can hardly wait to see the coming meltdowns and locker room tornados,.

So the Oracle spins the frozen Retsina bottle (now only half full--or is that half empty?) and here are the predictions for the worst teams in the NFL in Week 12.

Saints- 50
Falcons- 17

Buccaneers- 12
LIons- 24 (700 yards offense)

Vikings- 17
Packers- 13 (let the meltdown deepen)

Panthers- 36
Dolphins- 9

Steelers- 24
Browns- 17 (Steelers back on track)

Bears- 36
Rams- 14

Titans- 21
Raiders- 16

Cowboys- 21
Giants- 24

49ers- 38
Redskins- 10

Texans- 36
Jaguars- 10 (Texans finally get a win)

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

NFL WEEK 11 WORST STATS : Taking Ineffective to New Heights

NFL WEEK 11 WORST STATS,  

LOWEST STATS

most anemic offense and defense,  

just terrible, embarrassing

OFFENSE:

This week's Award:  San Francisco 49ers

Points:  13  Packers (somebody needs to step up and lay a goose egg)
First Downs:   10   Bengals  (12- 49ers and Jets)
total Yards:  196   49ers
Rushing Yards:  14    Cardinals  (on 24 rushes- that's .58 yards per carry)
Passing Yards:  115    49ers
QB Rating:  10.1   Geno Smith,  Jets
INT:  3  Packers (Tolzein),  Vikes (Ponder),  Browns (Campbell),  Jets (Smith)
Turnovers :    Raspberry or Apple
Turnovers:  4  Vikings,  Browns, Jets
Sacked:  4-30  Jets,  4-29 Dolphins
Punts:  11   Raiders
Red Zone failure:  0-3,  Browns and Toxins (including final possession to attempt to win game)
Most Defensive TDs allowed:  2 Browns (this includes special teams)


DEFENSE:

This Week's Worst Defense:  Atlanta, making the Bucs look like Super Bowl contenders.

Most Points allowed:  41,   Falcons,  Vikes (Browns no because two TDs were allowed by offense)
First Downs:  24    ATL,  DET , KC,  DEN, BUCS
Yards allowed:  451  Steelers
Rush yards allowed: 191    Eagles
Pass Yards allowed:  358  Lions
Biggest Yardage differential:  191  49ers
Red Zone Conversions allowed:   4-5  by the Vikings

Penalties:  11- 121  Bucs

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 11 REPORT: Partly Parity with a chance of Totally Mediocre

This week in the Doormat Division:

It’s the Mediocrity Division, not Doormat.  49ers mining new vein of hideous offense.  Jets the 2013 poster child for NFL ‘parity.’  Redskins blow up like giant pustule.  Falcons are just terrible.  Lions return to glory days.  Browns frightened by .500.  The worst teams in the NFL are here to entertain you….everybody’s terrible. 

NFL WEEK 11 REPORT:

Pardon my lateness, dear readers, but yesterday morning I awoke under the grandstands at turn 9 at the Circuit of Americas in Austin, Texas, still clutching a shred of Pirelli tire in my hands and the acrid taste of Sebastien Vettel’s burnout cookies in turn 11 lingering in my parched ‘kiss-the-ground-he-burns cookies-on’ mouth.  I then had to beat a hasty retreat as some thankfully overweight security personnel were trying to get my attention.  The 8 mile trek across the Farm-to-Market backroads and cheerful gravel sprays from spirited Yahoos in some of the biggest pick-up trucks I’ve ever seen on the way to my car in parking lot Q was miraculous in that I only got bit once by the various farm hounds that seemed to appear every 50 yards.   (honestly?  The people of Austin were outstanding in their hospitality.  Great town.)

Let’s get down to business:

PARITY PARTY

Someone cue Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney:

Parity! Parity! Parity! 

It won’t be long before we’ll all be there with all that PARITY!!

We need to stop calling this the Doormat Division.  What’s really going on in this league is who can be the most consistently MEDIOCRE.   I think we have 47 teams with 4-6,5-5 or 6-4 records.  Separated by only a couple well-timed interceptions and muffed punts, the battle for the Bulge is intense.

Bringing up the middle are the New York Jets, the first EVER in NFL history to win-lose every other game for their first 10 games. Right?  Just about lost your mind trying to pick what they are going to do?  Stop betting money on this- you’re completely outmatched.   Show me a sports pundit with a .600 record picking winners this year, and I’ll show you a liar.

BROWNIES 20, BENGALS 41

Nervous at the prospect of pulling to .500,  and then completely terrified after the Bengals staked them to a 13-0 lead, the Brownies implode in the 2^nd quarter-  with a combination of an interception, an 8-yard punt, a blocked punt returned for a TD and a fumble returned for a TD.    31 points later, the Brownies duck into the locker room for halftime and some tea some celebratory brownies and a 4-6 record.  Blank Helmet football returns!  But don’t bet on it next week.

KITTENS 27,  STEELERS 37

Since the Lions haven’t really changed their uniforms since the Harding administration, the only way to join in the retro fun on Sunday at Hines field (and the Steelers’ bumble-bee unis) was to play like their 4-12 selves of last year.  Or the 0-16 of 2008.  Or perhaps the 2-14 of 2001.  Or the 2-12 of 1979.   You get the idea.

JETS 14,  BILLS 37

Jets lost this week, so they win next week at the Ravens.  Bet the house.  Bet the farm.  Bet the pick-up and the hound dogs.  As long as it’s somebody elses’s property.   Bills scrape up to 4-7 and almost attain MEDIOCRITY.  Whoa, hey! 

PACKERS 13,  GIANTS 27

The Pokers?  The Punters?  The pack fall back to the pack at 5-5!  The Giants, once 0-6, are now 4-6!  It’s a wonderful world of…. PARITY!  Parity! Parity! 

I’ll soon be there with Parity

I’ll wash my hair with Parity

And with a spade of Parity

I’ll build a league that’s made of teams that just can’t get it together.

  

GEEZ, Can’t somebody just LOSE around here?

FALCONS 28,  BUCCANEERS 41

Yes.  The Falcons can absolutely lose to anybody.  Yesterday nailed it down. Bucs now sliding toward mediocrity (shocking development).  But they’re playing the Lions next week, so if things go to form, they’ll get trounced.   Falcons in FIRST in Doormat NFC 2-8).

JAGUARS 14,  CARDINALS 27

Yes. Gags return to form after taking care of getting their one win for 2013.  8 punts, 2 interceptions, Bob’s your Uncle, LOSE.  Cardinals hit the dangerous 6-4 mark.  More than 2 games over .500 and you get a league fine, and nasty call from Commisioner Goodell’s secretary, doing her best Fran Dresher voice.  The Cards have Indy next week, so I don’t see why they can’t blow that one.  

YIKINGS 20,  SEAHAWKS  235

Yep. Now you know why Leslie Frazier doesn’t really want to play Christian Ponder.  King of the Blind Interception.  This man is Doormat Gold.  Vikings a solid loser (2-8).  Josh Campbell nowhere in sight.

TOXINS 23,  RAIDERS 28

Only the Toxins could withstand being punted at 11 times and still lose.  20 total punts, a league high this year.  4^th string Raiders QB Scott McGloin looks like the second coming of Kenny Stabler, and takes this year’s award for Out of Nowhere Hero QB.  How can you have the best D in the league and be 2-8?  The Toxins know how, but it's top secret.   

See what’s happening here?  I have to write about every damn team in the league!  Good grief, only the Jaguars have a properly embarrassingly large point differntial (189).  I haven’t even mentioned the completely disintegrating Washington Deadskins.  What a disaster area that locker room is.  I can imagine the disappointment, falling to 3-7 and not being mediocre. It’s like turning up the lights too bright at the Night of Joy (if you know what I mean).   Where’s Ignatius J. Reilly when you really need him?

HONORABLE MENTION:

49ers  20, SAINTS 23

For the second week in a row, the Niners turn in the worst offensive performance of the week.   Colin Kaepernick looks like Alex Smith out there, throwing dink passes and rifling the ball into the ditch.  At least Smith has stoned-handed receivers in KC (whew where did they get those guys?).   2.3 yards and a cloud of chardonnay and pot smoke in San Francisco.  Pass the brie.

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 11 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Atlanta                2-8          214-292

Tampa Bay           2-8          187-237

Minnesota            2-8          240-320

Washington          3-7          246-311

NY Giants             4-6          192-256

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville         1-9         129-318

Houston               2-8         193-276
Buffalo                 4-7         236-273

Cleveland             4-6         192-238

Baltimore             4-6         208-212

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!

Welcome Back to the Mat Floppers!

They were in the back yard hanging around the BBQ all season, but now they are back in the cozy confines of the Doormat Division Man Cave munching fist sticks and marshmallows. The Miami Dolphins have proven they can lose with the best of them. Not even the Bootineers could lose to them. And as recent revelations in the news has shown, they are capable of being a great loser because they are losing at every level of their organization.

Every week starting week 3 ESPN Radio picks two teams they are confident will not make the Superbowl By now they have eliminated 16 teams.

Not to be outdone, the Doormat Division will pick two teams every week that will not win the Moldy Carpet.

Since we are in week 12 already, we have to play a little catch up. So here are 16 teams that will not win the Moldy Carpet this year. Some, considering their history, are a shock.

New England
Cleveland
Cincinnati
NY Jets
Denver
Kansas City
Dallas
Philadephia
New Orleans
Carolina
Seahawks
Arizona
San Francisco
San Diego
Chicago
Detroit

But 16 teams are still in the hunt!

NFL WEEK 10 WORST STATS and Midseason Report

NFL WEEK 10 WORST STATS.   MOST INTERCEPTIONS.  BIGGEST FALL FROM LAST YEAR.  2 YARDS RUSHING.   ALL THE NUMBERS YOU WANT TO CRUNCH LIKE A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS YOU DIDN'T SEE WHEN YOU SAT DOWN ON THE COUCH.


BIGGEST FALL FROM MAGNIFICIENCE:

It's a tie!

HOUSTON TEXANS:  8-1 to 2-7.    Last year at this time, the Toxins were 8-1 and would get to 11-1, before beginning a fade (losing 3 of their last 4) that resulted in an embarrassing 41-28 loss to the Pats in the Divisional playoff (they did win the Wildcard game against the Bengals).  They haven't recovered.  This Doormat slide did not surprise us, though the steep angle did.

ATLANTA FALCONS:   8-1 to 2-7.   The Failcons were in the NFC Championship game last year, just narrowly losing to the 49ers, 28-24.  The fan base expected another great year!  In the preseason, we sounded the warning bells, as their defense was giving up huge piles of points.  That may seem unimportant, but in the preseason you don't want any of your defensive units giving up huge numbers.  It's not like the offense, that is tinkering around.  It hasn't changed in the season, except the offense never did stop dinking around,  and the Atlanta Edsels (get the Falcons-Ford-Edsel thing? No?) find themselves only 1 game out of first in the Doormat NFC.  

Both of these teams are ready and willing to win the Moldy Carpet this year.

BIGGEST RIDICULOUS TURNAROUND

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS:  1-8 to 9-0.  ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS!!!   Last year the Cheaps were the worst team in the league (2-14), and narrowly took the Moldy Carpet from the Eagles.  Their solution?  Hire the coach of the worst team in the NFC,  sign Mr. Boring-but-No-Turnovers Alex Smith to QB, and take most of the team out to the dumpster.   Now, they've still got one of the worst offenses in the league, but holy cow that defense is so good, it scores most of the points.  

They've been toying with losing the last few weeks, teetering ever so close to the abyss.  They haven't beat a team with a winning record, but there AREN'T any teams with a winning record this year.  Most of their opponents are solid Doormat members, though.

Still, they haven't lost yet.  Ah,  they're playing Denver this Sunday. Peyton Manning is hobbling around on his gimpy right ankle.   The Chiefs lead the league in sacks.  Look out.    But you know what?  If Alex Smith can't find an open receiver farther downfield than 2.7 yards, they're toast.  

NFC WEAKEAST

In the glory days of 2010, the NFC Worst finished up the season with Seattle on top with a glaring 7-9 record.  It was Doormat Gold, and a first for a complete season.  An entire division with a losing record.  Even after winning a playoff game, the Seahags finished the season 8-10.   Well, GUESS WHAT?   the NFC East is led by the Cowpokes and Eagles at 5-5.   The Eagles look like the most dangerous threat to the East finishing with a losing record.  Lotta ball to play yet, though, so keep an eye on it.


MOST EMBARRASSING FRANCHISE:

MIAMI DOLPHINS.  You don't have to leave Florida to find the worst organization in the NFL.  It's just a matter of taste as to which one.  Jacksonville,  Tampa Bay and Miami have it wired down there in the swamp of bumbling numbskulls of Everglaring Swamp stink.   Hazy on the hazing, you could say.

Jacksonville- yes, simple, plain, organized bad.  But boring.  Except for the London fling, they just don't get the losing with flair thing.
Tampa Bay-  they've actually nearly won 6 games, but have the Come-From-Ahead technique mastered.  They lose with panache.  They were in the lead, but....

The Dolphins.  WOW.  The Floppers  have completely imploded with a bullying 'scandal' that took an already iffy team and plunged them into a kind of ineptitude and country-wide mockery that was on display for the whole country on MNF this past Monday.  What a glorious show that was, right?  These guys, with a 4-5 record, somehow manage to look like the worst team in the league, and prove it by losing to the only team left that hadn't won a game.   HATS OFF IN THE DOORMAT TO THE FLOPPERS.

Boy, that O-line could really use a couple tough guys, though.  Guys that can just bully the-  oh, wait, never mind.

Okay it's now time for:

NFL  WEEK 10  WORST STATS

Worst team:  The Dolphins.   I mean, come on.  The 49ers come in a close second.  Colts 3rd.  Cowboys honorable mention.  Bengals amazingly bad.

ALL THE LOWEST  OFFENSE:
Points:  8  Colts
First Downs:  9  Cowboys  (10- 49ers)
Yards gained:  151  49ers
Rush yards:  2   Dolphins  (all-time franchise worst)
Passing:  46   49ers
QB Rating:   40.7  Pryor,  Raiders;   42.0  Kaepernick,  49ers  (Locker,  Titans 12.0 but left game)
INT:  4   Luck,  COLTS
Turnovers:  5   COLTS
Sacked:  6-45  49ers
Punts:  8   Ravens.   They punt a lot.  Edgar Allan Punt
Worst red zone:  0-4  Packers and Eagles both in the same game.   yowee.
Most Defensive TDS given up:  1  Colts,  Toxins,  Titans.  Titans decided the game.


WORST DEFENSE:

DALLAS COWBOYS

Points allowed:  49  Dallas (vs. Saints)
First downs allowed : 40  Dallas
Yards allowed:  625   Dallas
Biggest yardage differential:  -432  Dallas
TOP:  20:28   Dallas  almost gets under the magic 20:00
Passing Yards allowed :  388  St. Louis  (and they won!)
Rushing Yards allowed:  242  Dallas
Red Zone Conversion allowed:   3-3  Redskins;  4-5  Cowboys

PENALTIES:  Bengals  9-134   that's...really just way too much.

-wacko

NFL Game Predictions Week 11

Feelin' the pain in Week 11

Yes, who would think that the Giants and Packers would be playing a Doormat game in Week 11, let alone any week, of the NFL season? Well, they are. And though Rodgers and Hammerstein, er, Manning, won't be getting many chances to hug during this sloppy mess of a game that will be forgotten as fast as Vegas can drop a Nag with a bum hoof, we on the Doormat cellar sofa will be loving every minute of it. For NY and GB fans, it's "Please, just get this game over with!" Pass the cheese, please.

And now, the Oracle from the Basement spins the frozen bottle of Retsina wine--a little less full this week I see--and eats some stale chips as it slowly spins and slows....slows....slows....and makes it's predictions:

Packers- 20
Giants- 23 (OT)

Lions- 28
Steelers- 17

Chargers- 17
Dolphins- 14

Cotls- 28
Titans- 17

Jets- 21
Bills- 17

Falcons-17
Bucs- 14

Redskins- 7
Eagles- 14

Cardinals- 28
Jaguars- 5

Raiders- 10
Texans- 33

Vikings- 10
Seahawks- 36

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Oh, and as a bonus for the week, here is the view of the Buccaneers' cheerleaders from the POV of the average Buc player--face on the ground. "These boots are made for walkin;...."

DARN IT. BUCS WIN

BUCCANEERS 22,  FLOPPERS 19

In one of the hardest fought Doormat games this season,  the Miami Dolphins prevailed over the formerly perfect Tampa Bay Bootineers,  tossing them from the ranks of the Unvictorious.  The 1976 Bucs and 2008 Lions breathe a sigh of relief.

This was assuredly not some Mail-it-in game from two of the most inept football programs in the NFL. They brought the inept right out in prime-time on Monday Night Doormats for a riot of a game that only a Doormat aficionado could love.  

We loved it.   TWO yards rushing for the Dolphins.   That's the franchise record!  TWO YARDS.  How can the Bucs win with that on the other side of the ball?   The jockeying for Bonehead Penalty was intense.   #1 for Tampa has to be the Dolphin punt, with the ball already going out of bounds and the punt returner, who was standing stock still next to a Dolphin in similar repose, RIGHT IN FRONT OF A REF at the sideline,  suddenly clocks the Dolphin for a meaningless gratuitous 15 yards, putting the Bucs down at their, oh,  2 yard line to start a drive.  Miami counters with the best one- with about 4 minutes left, Bucs QB Mike Glennon, while throwing up a desperate 3rd down floater that looks like an interception for sure, gets head butted by a Dolphin LB who was 'sending a message.'   His fellow DE got the message, and screamed some morale-building advice at him right there on the field.  15 yards and a crucial first down for the BUCS...who still pulled off a punt 4 plays later to give Miami one last chance to take the win.  

 Bucs QB Glennon actually looks like he might be pretty good. He finally figured out his best receiver is OT Donald Penn, tossing him a 1-yard TD pass in the first quarter.

NO lead is too large for the Bucs to lose.   Miami,  playing about as badly as you'd expect them to after this last week of TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT,  staked the Bucs to a 15 point lead, including a work of art safety.   So what?  The Bucs blew a 21 point lead last week.   15 points is nothing.  Entering the 4th quarter, the Dolphins found themselves AHEAD 19-15.  But, with the Dolphins paving the way with a porous run defense, the Bucs march down the field in the 4th and snatch victory from the jaws of defeat with one last touchdown.

On their last chance with the ball,  the Dolphins did what they do best- give up dramatic sacks where it looked like the entire Tampa defensive line had a straight shot at Flops QB Ryan Tannehill.   BLAM!
The Bucs just could not lose this one, not matter what they tried.

Dolphins grab the loss and look like a complete Doormat team, covering all the bases.   The Bucs still lead the NFC at 1-8, and have the best shot at the Moldy Carpet Trophy,  but they have to accept that this is not their year for ultimate DOORMAT GLORY.

-wacko



 

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 10 WRAP UP and DISPOSAL

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE (winless team)

Jacksonville…wins?  Rams have their one great game a year, and Colts stink it up.  49ers worst team of the weekend, except for maybe the Raiders or the Bills or the Falcons or the Packers. 

GLORY AVERTED!  JAGS WIN

JAGUARS 29,  TITANS 27

It hardly seems fair.  The Jaguars come to Memphis, go get a little ‘cue, have a beer, maybe swing by Graceland, sleep in a touch and ease on over to the stadium on Sunday safely knowing that Jake Locker will pull out a win for the Titans no matter what they do. But wait:  Locker sustains yet another leg injury, and Doormat Secret Weapon Ryan Fitzpatrick is unleashed on the Gags and they never recover.  Staked to a 13 point lead via a fumble deep in Titans territory and an unrelenting hail of punts from Tennessee, the Gags find themselves in unfamiliar territory- AHEAD.   The Jags put the ball on the carpet 3 times, but the Titans refuse to pick it up.  In response the Titans fumble five times and the Jags end up with three of them.  Hard to lose in that environment.

Still, it was only a 20-13 Jags lead entering the 4^th quarter.   Then the Titans pull off a safety by penalty (holding in the end zone) which is about as Doormat as you can get.  But hold on!  Fitzpatrick- you just have to wait for him - with the Gags clinging to a 22-20 lead with 3 minutes to go, gets sacked and fumbles at his own 21 where Jacksonville picks it up and runs it in for a frikkin’ defensive touchdown!   Stunned, Jaguar players miss high fives and pull hamstrings attempting something called ‘celebration.’ Turns out the safety was the difference in the game. Yow!

Fallen from the unvictorious, our Gaguars will not go 0-16.  It was not to be. The great Tampa Bay Bucs (0-14) and the Detroit Lions (0-16) will not be getting their company this year.  Alas. 

BUCCANEERS @ MIAMI (Monday night)

But wait! The BUCS are still 0-8 and could still go winless and elevate Tampa to Doormat Gold Glory as the only franchise to go winless twice.  They’re no match for the 1976 Bucs, who lost 26 straight before winning the last two games of ’77, but they’ve still got a chance to lose out.  Miami is the most reeling team in the league this week, losing half of what was already a terrible O-line, and morale is God knows where.  Gonna be tough to pull out the loss in Flopper Town.

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 10 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Tampa Bay           1-8          146-209

Atlanta                2-7          186-251

Minnesota            2-7          220-279

NY Giants             3-6          165-243

Washington          3-6          230-287

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville         1-8         115-291

Houston               2-7         170-248
Buffalo                 3-7         199-259

Pittsburgh            3-6         179-218

Oakland                3-6         166-223

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

REDSKINS 27, VIKINGS 31

If you can lose to the Vikings, in a shoot-out, you can lose to anybody.  Redskins lead the league in ‘coming close’ but still losing.  That’s ART.

RAMS 38, COLTS 8

Remember, two years ago, when the Colts threw interceptions up like they were a busting pinanta, had atrocious special teams and allowed at least 2 huge bombs a game?  Colt fans were weeping with nostalgia yesterday as the Colts toss 4 INTs, give up a Punt return TD, a Bomb TD, and a fumble return for 6.  Rams go totally crazy for their once-a-season great game, pasting Indy and vaulting right out of the basement standings.

RAIDERS 20,  GIANTS 24

You can’t blame the Giants for winning this game.  They really tried to give it away-4 turnovers really should help- but the Raydurz amassed 213 yards of non-offense and get back to 5^th in the Doormat AFC.  3-6 and a legitimate shot at 10 losses.

FAILCONS 10, SEAHAWKS 33

Matt Ryan didn’t have to play bad for the Falcons to lose this one.  They’re just bad now.  And the Seahawks are one of the few good teams.  It’s hard to be a proper Doormat around here with all this competition and wannabes.  But the Falcons (2-7) are the real deal.   Now in 2^nd in the Doormat NFC, passing the Yikings- wow.

TOXINS 24, CARDINALS 27

Ships passing in the night.  In the high desert.  In a dry arroyo.  A coyote howls.

BUFFALUFFAHUFFALO  10, STEELERS 23

With a victory like this, the Steelers have a…oh never mind.  Are the Nils (3-7)  going to make it to 10 losses again?  It won’t be easy- here come the Jets, Falcons, Bucs and Jags in the next 4 games.  The 3 worst teams in the league in 4 weeks.  Gonna be very tough.

PACKERS 13,  EAGLES 27

Okay, the Pack don’t have a losing record…yet.  Pack QB Scott Tolzien started yesterday, and he couldn’t even make the 49ers roster, and look at their pathetic passing offense. 

49ers 9,  PANTHERS 10

Ugly ugly ugly game.  The 49ers must have the most anemic passing game in the league. 46 yards yesterday. You hear that Jacksonville?  They’re worse than you. Carolina has one hellacious defense, and so do the Niners, but I don’t see why the 49ers couldn’t lose 4 more games.  Next loss:  SAINTS

Season worst Stats coming tomorrow after the big Doormat Tilt tonight

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!