Week 8 Predictions and Musings from the Oracle

Tampa Bay Buccaneers huddle before kickoff.

The Raiders are 5-2. 5-2. Really? How did that happen? Sadly, we will not be able to write about them this week, or maybe even the rest of the decade.

But we can write about the NFL Walking Dead, and with Halloween coming, it's fitting. These are teams that should be six feet under but are still, somehow, still staggering through the season and in the hunt. We are talking about Miami, Cincinnati, Baltimore, Indianapolis, Tennessee, and Tampa Bay. Let's face it, none of these teams are going to make the playoffs, but they are still within one game of their division leaders. So enjoy it while you can, home team fans, because the cliff is coming, your Jeep is in overdrive, and the brake lines have been cut. Enjoy the fall, and we will put an extra pillow for you to land on the Doormat Basement Couch! (Bring a six-pack, OK?)

And now, for the perennial Zombie teams that stalk the NFL, here are this week's predictions: 

Jacksonville- 21
Tennessee- 32
(Why so many points? Because when two teams this bad play each other, anything can happen. Look for this to be the Doormat tilt of the week!)

Washington- 28
Cincinnati- 21

Kansas City- 28
Indianapolis- 14
(If I am wrong and KC loses, it's panic time at Arrow-in-the-head Stadium.)

Oakland- 36
Buccaneers- 16
(Hey, we have two pirate teams playing. Bucs walk the plank.)

Seattle- 9
New Orleans- 33

NY Jets- 17
Cleveland- 21
(Yes, Cleveland is going to win a game but Lord I hope not. It would ruin an otherwise perfect season. This is probably the best Doormat matchup of the year. You won't want to miss this game!)

Arizona- 13
Carolina- 12

San Diego- 17
Denver- 7

Minnesota- 42
Chicago- 3
(Bears commit 7 errors and leave 14 men on base.)

49ers don't play this week so they will have a great Sunday.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

WEEK VII DOORMAT STANDINGS and WARP OUT

Look now, because it won't last, but only 5 teams have a losing record in the NFC.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 7

AFC               W - L      

BROWNS         0 - 7         

JETS                  2 - 5        

JAGS                 2 - 5

DOLPHINS      3 - 4         

BENGALS        3 - 4        

COLTS              3 - 4        

TITANS            3 - 4        

NFC                   W-L           

BEARS              1 -6       

49ers                  1 - 6       

PANTHERS      1 - 5       

SAINTS             2 - 4       

RAMS               3 - 4

NFC

STIFF OF THE WEEK

SEAHAGS 6,  CRUDINALS 6 (OT)

This is why you don't kick the field goal in overtime.  An old-school dog stiff stare-off into space kinda death rattle of a game.

Hags get 11 first downs.  16 total punts.  Crudinals amass 433 yards, no turnovers, yet get 2 field goals out of it. Somebody throw a blanket over this.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

49ERS 17, BUCS 34

It may not look like it, but this game ended really really early.  The Whiners were up 14-0, and then poof.  34 straight Buc points. Niners lead the league in 3 and outs. Lead the league in fewest penalties, yet have most penalties on 3rd down (offense or defense).  So they are extremely well-timed.  They run out of gas after half-time.  For real.  Gassed. Neither 49er QB is accurate. Christian Ponder just got promoted from the graveyard and will probably be starting in 2 weeks. They've given up 555 yards rushing in the last two games, and the last time that happened, it was 1956, and they were playing in a dump called Kezar Stadium.  

Now they play in a really shiny dump.  Class of the Doormat NFC.

BEARS 10, PACKERS 26

13 first downs, 189 total yards, 10 penalties for 108 yards, 2 interceptions, only 20:24 of possession time (almost beat the magic 20 mark).  Only 5 punts, though, so not a perfect game.  C'mon Bears, you can be worse than this.  Really, you can.

PANTHERS DIDN'T LOSE BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T PLAY.

They'll catch up.  

AFC

BROWNIES 17, BUNGLES 31

The Browns are better than this.  Of course they are.  Certainly.  0-7 just doesn't tell the real story.

Giving up 559 yards helps flesh it out a little, though. Also I think Hulk Hogan took over at QB for a while.  Bring back Chomps.  I guess the Dawg Pound is just a boutique kennel now.  It's all over, the only thing left is to bring Cleveland the Moldy Carpet.  NEXT UP:  THE JETS

JESTS 24, CRAVENS 16

Jests bench QB Fitzy, throw Doormat all-star Geno Smith out there, looks like another easy loss but what happens?  Smith gets hurt, then the curse of the spurned starter rears it's ugly head.  Fitzy plays like last year, suddenly and alarmingly leading the Jets to victory.  Raven-Poes: 11 first downs, 3 turnovers, 6 punts, 245 puny yards...they could lose 10 in a row, if we add a game. Jets now two games off the pace and heading to next week's gigantic showdown with the Brownies.  Say it ain't so, Joe.

GAGUARS 16, RAIDERS 33

Gags manage to look absolutely hopeless against the worst defense in the AFC.  Man, these guys could run the table.  

FLOPPERS 28, BILLS 25

Dolphins have now averaged over 300 yards rushing for the last two games.  What the hell has gone wrong down in Miami?!  They are just mowing people down.  Go for it, guys.  Try on something new.

TITANICS 26,  DOLTS 34

And here we thought these two teams were the worst of the AFC South. We're just ashamed we did not respect and trust our old stalwarts in Jacksonville.  Jags, you can have any seat in the house.  Please forgive us.  We will never turn our backs on you, again.

I must skip the countr-   I mean, I am going on a short vacation this week, as per suggestions from various people in Vegas.  I will miss the next weekend-  including the humongous Browns-Jets game (BROWNS WIN).  Keep the grill coffee warm for me boys, I'll be back for breakfast.  

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

It Doesn't Get any Worse

Cleveland, despite its troubles--can it get any worse?--may soon be the city of Champions: NBA, MLB, and the Moldy Carpet!

What do Drew Brees, Len Dawson, and Bob Griese have in common? They all went to Purdue! And Purdue traditionally stinks. So there is a lesson there, but I am not sure what.

And speaking of bad odors, when was the last time you guys cleaned out the fridge here in the basement? Whew. Open all the doors and windows, OK? Anyway, stinkers are on the horizon, and the big question right now is, "Who stinks best?"

At this point in the season, four teams have emerged as legitimate candidates for this discussion: Chicago Bears, Cleveland Browns, San Francisco 49ers, and the NY Jets (Jests?).

Though the Browns are 0-6, they have actually put together more drives that look like organized football than the other three teams combined. So they may not be the worst team. But they may have the worst schedule and therefore wind up 0-16. The next two weeks will be the dark valley for them. This Sunday they play Cincinnati, a team that traditionally rolls over for them even in the Browns' worst years, so they could accidentally win that one. Next week they are in NY playing the Jets, a game even the Browns may not be able to lose. But if they can manage field position and find a way to lose these next two games, they very well could cruise to 0-16. That would mean a a trifecta for Cleveland: NBA champions, MLB champions, and Moldy Carpet champions all in the same year.

But back to the real discussion. Yes, the Bears look bad, but tonight they play an anemic Green Bay and could wake up tomorrow with a win. But probably not. But even if they lose and look like the worst team in the NFL, this Oracle is putting his money on the NY Jests. Why? Because they are a zero in every category: QB (trotting out Geno Smith again, good grief), O-line, receiving, running, D-Line, linebackers, corners, special teams, you name it!

So who do you think just couldn't get any worse and is the official dog pile of the NFL?

Meanwhile, the pics for this week:

Chicago: 18
Green Bay: 21

Indianapolis: 21
Tennessee: 14

Cleveland: 17
Cincinnati: 28

Washington: 24
Detroit: 36 (goodbye for now, Kittens)

Oakland: 38
Jacksonville: 10

Buffalo: 36
Miami: 10

Baltimore: 17
NY Jets: 6

Tampa Bay: 17
San Francisco: 12

Gentleman, make your predictions!

JETS worse than SUSPECTED! WEEK 6 WORST STATS!!

JETS 3,  ANY OPPONENT (ok, the CARDS) 28

Look Out, Cleveland.  The New York Jets are gunning for ya.  Finally a Doormat team just plays flat out old-school horrible football for once. Sporting the most interceptions (11) in the league, and the lowest QB rating in the league (63.4 and dropping), one could credit Ryan Fitzpatrick for the Jets's rise to Doormat contention, but that would be missing the blitz of cheap penalties in the first 3 possessions that put the Nyets in a mole hole (welcome to False Start Stadium, you hole-digging pros), the swiss cheese defensive backfield (290 passing yards per game allowed), no blitzing (that would be swiss cheesing the swiss cheese), no rushing attack, the lowest points average for any offense, 15. 8, and the apparent zero options for the guys with the headsets.  When QB Geno Smith gets in a game, you are not exploring an option, you are conceding (but he DID rack up an INT in only 6 throws, so hey).

Since almost everybody else is scoring 38 points a game, 15.8 should cover just about any scenario for losing every single game...except in two weeks the Jets play the Browns in Cleveland, and you better get to the Browns- or Jets- sports bar for that one.

NFL WEEK 6 WORST STATS

Points:  3                    JETS
First Downs:   11        JETS
Total Yards:   230       JETS (I'm sensing a trend, here)
Passing:  145               EAGLES
Rush:   33                    JETS
3rd Down Eff:   2-13   JETS

Yards Allowed:  523   PANTHERS  (491, 49ERS)
Turnovers:  4               PACKERS
Punts:  7                      BROWNS, JETS  (that's gonna be a doozy in two weeks)

Penalties:   13/114       EAGLES;  RAVENS (15/111); GIANTS (7/119); NO (10/126)
Red Zone:    0-2          JETS, 49ERS, GIANTS; STEELERS 0-0;  CHARGERS 1-5.
Time of Possession:  Still nobody under the magic 20:00 mark this season.  If the Niners didn't do all that stupid standing around before running a hopeless play, they'd be under 20:00 every week.

-Wacko

WEEK SIX FUTILITY WALTZ

BROWNS 0-6!  NINERS REALLY TERRIBLE!  PANTHERS: FOR REAL?

Welcome to the Basement, where if you can't implode, you don't belong.  

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 5

AFC               W - L      PF - PA

BROWNS         0 - 6         113 - 176

DOLPHINS      2 - 4         118 - 134

JETS                  1 - 4        92 - 136

BENGALS        2 - 4        109 - 145

COLTS              2 - 4        160- 174

CHARGERS    2 - 4        173 - 155

NFC              W-L     PF - PA

BEARS              1 - 5       101 - 143

49ers                  1 - 5       129 - 185

PANTHERS      1 - 5       161 - 176

BUCS                 2 - 3       94 - 142

SAINTS             2 - 3       114 - 130

CARDS              2 - 3       135 - 101

QUICK OVERVIEW

I can't wax philosophical here...hell, I can't wax my car.  Waxing rust seems kind of..

I was looking through some old write-ups from yesteryear on my floppies for the Commodore 64, here (amber screen thank you), and I've never seen anything like it.  Doormat teams are racking up points and yardage like never before.  I would say it's making it hard to predict games, though the worst teams DO still keep coming through.

The Chicago Bears, truly a well-engineered train wreck carefully built by an inept front office, got 387 yards yesterday!  Cleveland, for god's sake, had a 300-yard passing game, and racked up 26 points!  This is not  your Father's Doormat Division, where the score was 9-6, teams had to struggle to get 10 first downs, and there would be at least 15 punts.  The most punts yesterday was the Browns and the Titans, supposedly two of our TOP Doormats, with 12.   

So...well, at least the fans are getting some entertainment while their teams grapple for the Moldy Carpet.  So be it. 

BROWNS 26,  TITANICS 28

It was 28-13, and seemingly a done deal, when the Blanks staged a furious Futile Comeback, scraping to within 2 points with :27 seconds on the clock.  Well, done, men!  The Indians, over there in MLB, need to win 6 more games to nab the World Series.  If they do that, it's up the Browns.  They've never won the Moldy Carpet, not even back to the very first years of Brownie-ness. 10 games to go.  It's dangerous, they way they keep flirting with disaster by scoring points and not turning the ball over.  But, they have no running game, and the defense is safely haphazard.

Titanics now 3-3 and off our leaderboard!  Wow!

Up next for the Brown-outs:  the Bengals.  Danger city.  After that- the JETS.  Triple quadruple quintuple danger zone.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

49ers  16,  BILLS 45

Colin Kaepernick started at QB for the cream of the NFC Doormat, and for 2 quarters, the Niners nearly kept up.  But when the wheels come off on this team, it's remarkable.  Coming out after what must have been a deflationary half-time pep talk to top all deflating half-time pep talks, the Whiners started the 3 and out ploy, no first downs, punts, fumbles, whatever it took to get off the field and hand the ball to the Bills.  Then the completely understaffed Whiner defense runs out of gas, and while somebody walks to the gas station with a dented gas can, the Bills rack up 28 points and over 300 yards of rushing offense.  WHAM!  The Bills may not be that good, but the Niners are really, really bad. They just have that unfortunate Week 1 blemish that they can't erase.  Hang in there.

BEARS 16, JAGUARS 17

Except there's the Bears (1-5), who can lose any close game they are in.  Dangerously close to winning a game despite getting only 1 touchdown, the Bears, up 13-0,  put together a final quarter that brings home the loss in any stadium, allowing 17 Gaguar points, and doing some nifty slippin' and slidin' on the last Jags TD, giving up the long touchdown run after the pass to ensure the loss. Extra kudos to the Soldier's Field groundskeepers who are doing everything they can to put their own defense at a disadvantage. Jags forced to take the win, and balloon up to 2-3.  

LIONS 31, RAMS 28

Weren't these teams supposed to be bad? Are they?  What a game!  The Lions win another, and both teams are 3-3 and Parity Division material all the way.

COLTS 23, TEXANS 26

They're tantalizingly close, they almost win...but they right themselves and bite the dust every week! Colts are 2-4 and staying within striking distance.  Another one of these demoralizing last second losses, and they just might go on a long slide...or vacation.

PANTHERS 38,  SAINTS 41

This just in:  The Pansies are 1-5.  Suuuuuuure they scored 38 points.  So what?  That's this year's Doormat recipe.  They may have racked up 32 first downs (holy moley!!) and scored 21 points in the 4th quarter yesterday, but they smartly balanced that with allowing 10 4th-quarter Saints points.  Wake up late and furiously try to look like you could win a game.  The new model.  As long as you still lose, I don't care how you do it.  Giving up 523 yards of offense really helps. The Panthers are amazing.  Admit it.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

DOLPHINS 30,  STEELERS 15

The Steelers were just not ready to play, Big Ben was hobbled, the Dolphins had a cup of coffee before the game.  The Dolphins played GREAT.  Balanced attack, solid D...who are those guys with the fish on their helmets??  Woo-Hoo, a  Doormat beat a division leader!!  

TONIGHT:  JETS (1-4) AT CARDINALS  (2-3)  Cards (-7 1/2) may not cover the spread, but they'll win the game.  3 ints from Fitz.

aaaAAAAAAnd That's The View From the Basement!!!!!

Kittens lose way in Kat Box

As they say in Detroit, "There's still time to lose." But on October 9 at home in the Kat Box against a much improved Eagles, the Kittens couldn't get it done. Leave it to a perennial doormat to accidentally win just when everybody is counting on a loss.

The Kitten strategy was to post an early lead and then torture the fans with a long, slow, miserable slide into the loss column, and at for most of the game it worked as Matt Stafford engineered touchdown drives in the Kittens' first three possessions. After that, Stafford shut down the offense like pinching the gas line on a propane grill that you just slapped a big piece if salmon on. Enjoy the food poisoning, fans.

Carson Wentz and the Eagles responded with two TDs and three field goals, the last one to take a 23-21 lead with 6:40 to go. It looked like the Kittens strategy was going to work.

"It was very familiar territory," one fan said. "The train wreck was complete, all that was left was to stand in disbelief until the clock wound down and then go flip over some cars and torch them."

But there was a problem. This was not really shaping up like a doormat game. For example, only 5 punts. Any doormat fan knows a good game has at least 9 and double digits are always a sign of a really bad game. There is nothing quite as exciting in football as when a team gives up and just kicks the ball away in the hope their opponent will fumble.

But it wasn't that kind of game. Stafford engineered a late drive and took the lead 24-23 with a field goal with 1:28 to go. Carson Wentz responded with an interception on a 45 yard bomb to seal the deal.

The Kittens are now 2-3 with the season slipping away as they host the Rams, 3-2, in the. It is a big game for both of these doormat perennials. Look for Detroit to win this one 24-17.

And the rest of the predictions:

49ers-21

Bills- 17

  

Browns-13

Titans-10

Panthers-14

Saints-33

Jaguars-16

Bears-9

Steelers-38

Dolphins-21

Colts- 31

Texans- 17

Jets-10

Cardinals-16

See you in the basement!

WEEK 5 WRAP UP AND DOUBLE WOOKIE PUNT INTO SPACE!!

BROWNS CONTINUE TO DOMINATE,  MOLDING HISTORY

Like a river burning through the darkest night of football nightmare, the Cleveland Browns are the last team remaining with a perfect record in the NFL in 2016 (except for the 5-0 Vikings, knucklehead -ed).  And if you can't jump into the oil-and-sludge flames of the Cuyahoga and start swimming hard, you will not catch them.  

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 5

AFC               W - L      PF - PA

BROWNS         0 - 5         87 - 148

DOLPHINS      1 -4          88 - 119

JETS                  1 - 4        92 - 136

CHARGERS    1 - 4        152 - 142

JAGUARS        1 - 3         84 - 111

TITANICS        2 - 3         92 - 101

NFC              W - L   PF - PA

BEARS              1 - 4       85 - 126

49ers                  1 - 4       111 - 140

PANTHERS     1 - 4      124 - 135

BUCS                 2 - 3       94 - 142

SAINTS             1 - 3       114 - 130

GIANTS            2 - 3       89 - 108

BROWNS 13,  PATRIOTS 33

When long-time Doormat All-Star Charlie "Clip-Board Jesus" Whitehurst steps onto the field, everyone in the Basement stands up, salutes, and throws a bowl of Cheese Balls into the air.  You know you've got the game in the bag.  Above-average Brownie QB Cody Kessler, who actually looks competitive, took it on the chest yesterday and got knocked out of the game in the first half.  He engineered one sharp drive for a TD. After that the Brown-outs threw Terrelle Pryor out there for 2 passes, saw the error of their ways, and inserted Whitehurst to close out the loss and not threaten the red zone.  (note- Whitehurst hyper-extended his knee late in the 4th quarter, so...Pryor may be starting at QB next week).  That's 5 QBs that have thrown at least 5 passes for the Blank Helmets already this year. Remember RGB III?  I don't.  

Same Old Browns?  I don't think so.  This is the Browns team to out-Brown any Browns team that ever Browned around with being the worst team in the league.  Whitehurst last won a game in 2014 when his Titanics edged the Gaguars for winless-ness. He's won two games, all-time, since entering the league in 2006.  Jeez we gotta chip in and buy him some flowers.  Or a half-gallon of gin.  Or at least some good sandals and a toga.

Oh, by the way, Pats QB Tom Brady racked up 403 yards passing, so don't just go giving the Browns offense all the credit, here.  Huge game next week against the Titanics.  Browns should nail it.

LIONS 24,  EAGLES 23

See Walkfish's special write-up on this one.  Upset of the week!

BEARS 23,  COLTS 29

The Colts may be bad, but not bad enough.  Another high-yardage Doormat entertainment package for the fans.  daBares pile up 522 total yards and LOSE!  They can do anything.

DOLPHINS 17, TITANICS 30

Titanics QB Marcus Mariota did not throw an interception and did not fumble the ball away.

If he keeps doing that, the Titanics (2-3) will exit the Basement in two weeks.  The Dolphins again lead the league with only 8 first downs this week, amassing a measly 200 yards of offense, and threw in a couple turnovers to stay well back of the red zone.  Classic single touchdown drive (the other a punt return).

The Floppers have to just lose the next two weeks before the big divisional game with the Jets (1-4).  Be there for that one.

CHARGERS 31, RRRRAIDERS 34

The DREW KASER game. Are the Chagrins really doing this?  They are! In their first 3 losses, the Blots were leading with 2 minutes to go, yet found a way to blow it.  They lead the league in fumbles (8). Yesterday, they blew the lead earlier, but punter Drew Kaser has to get the game ball here. Already starting the crumble with a Charger fumble and ensuing TD by the Raiders to give up the lead in the third quarter, punter Kaser entered and shanked off a 16 yard punt to the Charger 32 on the next 'drive' to set up another RRRaiders TD, ballooning the lead to 34-24.  Not content to just lose there, Philip Rivers rallied the Charred back to 34-31 with 2:00 to go and in place for a game-tying field goal from the Oakland 18.  Kaser, the placeholder, feeling the moment,  muffed the perfectly fine snap, blowing the shot at overtime and the game.  You have to feel for the guy, of course, but, on the other hand WOWEE the Chagrins found another way to blow a game.  What next?

JETS 13, PITTSBURGH 31

The most common palindrome score in football happened twice yesterday (Texans-Vikes, as well), and the Jets hammered home another loss, yet doing it without a single interception by league INT leader Ryan Fitzpatrick.  This time, they just did it the old-fashioned way, scoring all their points in the first half and ceasing play after halftime, getting swarmed over by the Bumblebees (throw-back unis!) for the final 30 minutes.  

BILLS 30,  RAMS 19

The Rams (3-2) are still in first in the NFC West, but...c'mon.  

TEXANS 13,  VIKINGS 31

The Texans (3-2) are still in first place in first place in the AFC south, but...C'MON

Around the league:  Bengals look like they could slide back into the basement soon, 2-3 and dropping.  Same with the Giants (2-3) could lose every single remaining divisional game.  

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 5

We have to wait until tonight's game ENDS!!   

aaaAAAaAAnd That's The View from the BASEMENT!!!!

Niners Obliterate Cardinals in Spectacular Loss

SAN FRANCISCO 21, ARIZONA 33

In a classic Thursday Night Doormat battle between two 1-3 NFC Worst teams, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners out-terribled the Arizona Crudinals in a display of dysfunction that may be nearing perfection.  It was stunning.

Unfortunately, in the Basement, when teams achieve this perfection, they do insane things like change quarterbacks.  Hence, today's picture.

BUT, last night, the Niners started out with the black unis, hoping, perhaps, that no one would see or recognize them, and snagged the loss and now have a 1-4 record that looks like 2-14 to us. In between, it was first a hail of punts, hilariously overthrown- and I mean comic- balls right down the middle over the helpless wide open receiver who had nothing between themselves and paydirt, dink 3rd down passes that have no chance, then taunting penalties (after a measly first down), dropped wide open passes, 7 sacks, 3 turnovers, and just wow.  And I mean WOW, Doormat fans.  

The Crudinals, who are not so bad at this Doormat style themselves, sporting back-up QB Drew Stanton, held their own in the first quarter, punting with a vengeance (9 for the game), and even giving the Niners the first touchdown.  Sort of 'spotting' it, you might say.  But then, a quick interception from 49er QB Plain Gabbert, and a 1 play drive got the Cards their first TD.  

After that, it was just a matter of time. The Cards couldn't keep up with the team that never has gains over 20 yards (last in the league), runs an offense that looks strangely like some college ball scheme designed to take advantage of out-of-shape and not well coached kids (instead of teams of professionals), and has a crowd so sparse (Oakland A's sparse...Tampa Bay Devil Rays sparse) that the boo birds can't even get a wail up above the level of  "plaintive bleating."  Pour me another bowl of Cheese Balls, guys, it's ART.  It's soap opera, at least.

Now, when you really want to win the Moldy Carpet, it's all about how you come out in the second half- and what can you say to muffing the 2nd half kickoff, stopping the Cards at the 15 but then run into the kicker on the 4th down FG attempt, give the Cruds a first down, and then give up the touchdown on the next play?  Pack up the tuna sandwiches, honey, it's time to go home.  Oh, wait, that's an empty seat I'm talking to.  

It was all perfect. Now, the Whiners really don't have much in the way of options, so that's the plus in the Moldy Carpet drive. They have no stars, except one with a big afro on the bench, can't really execute the offense, and the defense, though clearly not buying into the Doormat philosophy completely, still gave up 33 points on a night when they were playing hard.

p.s.  We were baffled by the announcers giving Gabbert a vote of confidence (he's only lost everywhere he goes, and it's not the system, OK? Just WATCH) and a kind of school-marm admonishment to the critics, while also putting forward the usual baloney about why Kaepernick is not the right choice. It sounded like paid announcements, and, worse, a veiled cover for dislike that has been hurled Kaepernick's direction since he started taking a knee. Jesus Mary Joseph the WHOLE TEAM is taking a knee in the department of competitiveness, and if they want to have any chance of winning a game, they need to put that guy out there.  He can at least throw an accurate ball down the middle. 

aaaaAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

We Miss our Doormats, but Stay on the Porch

As we approach week 5 of the NFL season, there are some perennial doormats conspicuously missing from the basement: Minnesota, Philadelphia, Oakland, and Los Angeles (Rams), We miss you guys! And we are a little hurt, too. I mean, you didn't even say goodbye. So if you go into a mid-season swan dive from your intoxicating current zenith of near perfection (especially those Vikings), don't expect us to just throw the door open and welcome you back like the prodigal son. You will have to prove yourselves.

And then there are some old friends lurking on the patio outside the Doormat cave: Carolina, San Francisco, and Arizona. Hey, we thought you had left us all behind, just dim memories like you see when FB shows you a 5-year-old post. (Why do they do that? I usually see those things and think, "Yech, why did I post that? I should quit using FB.") Well, guys, it was great when you were here, but you haven't even texted us since you left, so we are not so sure we want to let you back on the Barcalounger. You will have to stay on the patio and drink coffee and eat hot dogs off the Hibachi for a few more weeks. We might throw a bag of chips out there. If you go 1-9, we'll talk!

Now, we have to admit, the Yikings (Vikings) do have us pretty excited. When Bud Grant blew the horn at the home opener in the new "Prow" stadium, the place went nuts and so did the Vikings, with a serious beat down of the Packers. It's the new stadium syndrome. New place to play, you win it all (are you listening, Cubs?). So maybe we can excuse Minnesota for running off in a tizzy and forgetting about us here in the Doormat Division. As Angie Dickinson said, "If you don't chase a child, and patiently wait, he will come back to you." So see ya soon, Yikes.

And speaking of new stadium syndrome, there is also World Champ syndrome. One major professional sport wins and the rest of the city's teams win. Cavaliers get the NBA, looks like maybe Indians get MLB, so Browns are destined at last for their first Moldy Carpet!

And now for some Doormat predictions from the Oracle in the Basement:

Eagles are on a roll, Lions are on a dive, should be at least 3 turnovers.

Cardinals-17
49ers- 10
(Doormat Gold. The rest of the country is thinking, "Do we really have to have this for a Thursday night national broadcast?")

Patriots- 36
Browns- 17
(T-Brady is baaaaack. Brownies stay on path to glory.)

Eagles- 21
Lions-14
(Lions stink up the joint in the Kat Box.)

Bears- 9
Colts-10
(Stiff of the week)

Redskins- 24
Ravens- 21

Texans- 8
Vikings- 30

Jets- 10
Steelers- 35

Falcons- 3
Broncos- 5
(Reality sets in for Matt Ryan, again.)

Bengals- 28
Cowboys-17

Bills- 27
Rams- 30

Chargers- 21
Raiders- 28

Buccaneers- 12
Panthers- 10
(A must miss game, unless you are in Tampa Bay.)

Titans- 17
Dolphins- 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

DOORMAT WEEK FOUR STANDINGS and WORST STATS

Notice anything unusual?  Everybody, or nearly everybody is scoring points.  Usually we have at least 2 teams that don't clear 100 points until week 8.  Even the worst teams- Bears and Titanics, may do that by week 6.  It's nuts.  So, it's the WHO CARES year in the Doormat, and hooray for that.  At least there is entertainment on the field, even if your team turns it over 7 times.  At least they hurled a few bombs!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 4

AFC               W - L      PF - PA

BROWNS         0 - 4         74 - 115

TITANICS        1 - 3         62 - 84

DOLPHINS      1 -3          71 - 89

JETS                  1 - 3        79 - 105

JAGUARS        1 - 3         84 - 111

COLTS              1 - 3        108 - 125

CHARGERS    1 - 3        121- 108

NFC              W - L   PF - PA

BEARS              1 - 3       62 - 97

BUCS                 1 - 3       77 - 128

49ers                  1 - 3       90 - 107

DETROIT         1 - 3       95- 102

SAINTS             1 - 3       113 - 130

CARDINALS    1 - 3      92 - 80

NFL WEEK 4 WORST STATS

POINTS:        0          Pats

First Downs: 12          RAMS (and they won)

Total Yards:   222       Dolphins

Passing yds:   143       Bucs

Rush  yds:      38        Chargers

Yards Allowed: 571   Panthers (wow!)

Turnovers:     6          Cards  (3/3)

PUNTS:         8           Raiders

Total Punts:  15          Raiders-Ravens (8/7) 

Penalties:      11-145   Jaguars (probably because they had to drive on the left).

Tim of Poss:  21:58    Dolphins

WEEK FOUR WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL!!

THE GAMES

And then there was 1.  The Cleveland Brownies are solidly in the Champion's Barcalounger in the basement this morning, snoring up a storm and sleeping it off.  And why not?  At 0-4, they are the ONLY un-victorious team left in the entire NFL. Though they have plenty of company by the old Zenith and the lifetime supply of cheeseballs (thank you, Miami), the view from the basement, through the sliding door, is of an unexpected crew out on the patio, hovering over the embers of the grill, their lonely stares asking to be let in- the Chiefs (Cheaps!), the Panthers (Pansies!), and the Crudinals!  

But we're going to let them stay out there until the temperature drops a little, they have to warm up our coffee for us (you've never had BBQ'd coffee?), and perhaps one of them will cave and eat that last weenie, shriveled and black, off the grill.  We can't just hand it to them. Not the weenie, stupid, entrance into the Basement.

6 a.m. Game

COLTS  27,  JAGUARS 30 

The only explanation for this, if we're going to ignore the actual game, is that the Gags have played one too many games in London (isn't this 4 now??) and it feels like a home game, and so they won.  But winning at home hasn't gotten in the way of the Gags losing at home very often, so let's credit the Clots for falling way way way behind and then staging the Futile Comeback of the week.  Clots, Gags and Titanics are ALL 1-3, thus handing the AFC South to the Toxins, once again paving the way for them to enter the playoffs and get absolutely creamed by a real team. I can't see this changing. 12 more games, so what?

The rest:

BILLS 16 ,  PATRIOTS 0  

The Nils win two in a row and caught the Patriots at just right moment, when the gas tank of 'we win no matter who is playing' finally went dry.  One touchdown and 4 field goals is no juggernaut, but 2-2 is 2-2.  Thank you, Buffalo, for keeping the AFC North vaguely close. Brady Bunch returns next week, right?

BROWNIES 20 , DEADSKINKS  31 

4 games in, and the Brownies are proving to be the red zone charity.org of the NFL.  'Skins 4-4 (all TDs) in the red zone Sunday.  The Blanks gave fans false hope (still ahead going into the 4th) and then cratered in the final quarter. 3 turnovers and 100 yards in penalties held down victory. 

Tom Brady returns to the Pats and comes to Cleveland next week.  God I'd love it if the Blank Helmets got off the deck and clocked these guys.  Be there.

LIONS 14, BEARS 17

If you can't beat the Bears....you've got a shot in the Doormat!!   The Kittens are now 1-3 and you just have to love how they can give anybody hope.  Next buck-up for the opponent: Eagles at the Kat Box.  

CARDINALS 13, RAMS 17

Get 12 first downs and win. The Lambs should be 0-4, shouldn't they?  They're 3-1 and it's the Crudinals, down there with the 49ers, in the NFC West hole.  NFC Worst, for SURE.

BUCS 7, BRONCOS  27

Well, thank goodness at least one of our Doormat perennials knows how to take care of business.  Stop it with the scoring, commit turnovers, punt (7 times the high yesterday, sheesh), and flat out lose the game at home and bore your fans to death.

PANTHERS 33, FALCONS 48

All I know is the Panthers aren't bothering with a post Super Bowl victory let-down.  They're doing it without the trophy.  1-3 and tied with the Bucs and S'Ain'ts.  But they have to play Tampa next Monday, and they'll find out what losing properly really is like. Posers.

TITANS 20, TEXANS 27

What can we say?  The Texans were poised to lose yet again, but Marcus Mariota is still engineering defeat (3 turnovers), and the Titanics paved a punt return for the go-ahead TD for the Toxins.

JETS 17, SEAHAGS 27

No matter how much you may think you are struggling, just play the Jets and you'll see what self-destruction is.  Jets QB Ryan Fitzpatrick only needed half of his interception output from last week - 3 instead of 6.  That's called being efficient.  

CHARGERS 34, SAINTS 35

No matter how far ahead, nor how many points you have, nor how many yards you pile up, the San Diego Chagrins can get the job done.  Saints finally win a game, and another wild Doormat game is played in San Diego, and the Bolts stay in the hunt at 1-3.

CHIEFS 14, STEELERS 43

This game should have been 43-0, if it weren't for garbage time.  Oh well, I just have to accept it.  The Cheaps are 1-3...are they really back?  Let's see how well they warm up the Nescafe.

49ERS 17, DALLAS 24

The Whiners jumped out to a 14 point lead, got scared, and hit the brakes.  49er LB Navarro Bowman went out in the 3rd quarter with an injury, and the Cows immediately went right to his spot and chewed up the Whiners. More than half of Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara was filled with Cowboy fans.  That's what happens when you have a Doormat contender, you haven't drafted a QB in 5 years, your ticket prices are through the roof, and there are other things to do...like water the lawn with recycled bath water.   

I gotta run-  we're out of Cheese Balls already-  I'll be back with the standings and stats later today!!

aaaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!