Doormat Report: The NFC Championship

Alex Smith gets ready to throw it right at Mr. Joseph's head.

New York Giants 20, San Francisco 49ers 17 (OT)

Well, here we are. Our last resurrected doormat team, the last team to lose at least 10 games last year, but make the playoffs this year, has been eliminated. It was a record-setting number (5 teams!!). It’s been uplifting (the Barcalounger made it to the upright position), educating , and surreal (making guacamole in January in the Basement…uncharted territory). At least the avocadoes were on sale. Usually we have to make it out of mashed potatoes and green dye. Tastes about the same, once you’ve had 3 quarts of PBR.

Bye bye to the Houston Texans (6-10 last year, 10-6 this year), Cincinnati Bungles (4-12 last year, 9-7 this year) Denver Buncos (4-12/ 8-8), the Detroit Lions (6-10/10-6) and, finally, the San Francisco 49ers (6-10/ 13-3), this year’s official Amazing Turnaround team.

They almost made it, folks, doing it with a defense that actually knows how to tackle and just grinds you into a pulp. They also did it by not turning the ball over anymore, phenomenal special teams play, and a resurrected QB who stopped running like a chicken with his head cut off and throwing the ball into the dirt and making crucial game killing turnovers.

Until yesterday. Alex Smith, the man who caused a collective groan throughout Northern California when it was announced he was going to be the starting QB this year for the Niners, did an encore performance of Bad Alex yesterday. We hadn’t seen much of Bad Alex this year. He still didn’t turn the ball over, but the rest of his performance was Doormat Special all the way. Giving up on the play early, not throwing it when the timing pattern calls for it, and the receiver actually IS open at the moment intended, throwing the ball low, or just plain skipping it to his receiver, rolling out and throwing way off the mark, and the classic Alex, throwing a flat, level, dart that has a slim chance of getting past the line, or if it does, zero chance of getting past the DB or linebacker covering the man over the middle. How a guy can be in the league 7 years and not learn how to lead a receiver on a short route, and loft the ball over the reach of the defender speaks volumes about that man’s determination and mind-set. It’s very interesting, especially when you are barely 6 feet tall and need every inch you can get.

Nobody goes 1-13 on third downs and goes to the Super Bowl. Except they almost did.

Can’t they get Joe Montana to give him just a COUPLE pointers on loft? Steve Young??

Doormat kudos goes to Kyle Williams, the rookie who had to fill in for Ted Ginn Jr., the best return man in the NFL this year, and a weapon on offense with the reverse play. How did Williams do? He botched a punt that gave the Giants the ball deep in 49er territory and resulted in the 4^th quarter Giants touchdown, and then fumbled the punt in overtime that led to the winning field goal, a total of 10 points that basically handed the game to the Giants. Also, don’t forget: the only reverse of the game in the first quarter was fumbled by Williams, though he did retrieve it. Williams had some great games for the Niners this year, but he is now the goat for the entire off-season, and we are putting up a poster of him on the wall behind the TV (right next to the Raven’s K Billy Cundiff) in honor of his complete Doormat meltdown, single-handedly giving the game away. It’s going to be a LONG winter for Mr. Williams. Somebody keep an eye on that young man.

Side note: Let's not forget that the Ravens used to be the Cleveland Browns, people, and that shanked FG by Cundiff was Blank Helmet Football all the way or I'll eat my Doormat membership card.

And, finally, Doormat Gold honors to Jim Harbaugh, who did a fantastic job with this 49er team this year, but in OT yesterday forgot the most critical axiom- everybody’s tired, and if you’ve got some running backs, RUN THE BALL right over the other team until they prove they can stop it. Don’t have Mr. Throw it Away run the offense.

OK, we’ve grilled the Niners, whose defense played incredible yesterday, but the weak link did them in. That’s how it goes in the big games. Don’t put a rookie in a pressure situation in the big game. He’s going to blow it at some point. You can take that to the bank.

But, you know what? We’ll TAKE from 6-10 to 13-3 (14-4) right now and right up until training camp next year….when they have a new quarterback. Good God, people, we were TERRIBLE last year and for the last 10 years. We made it to the NFC Championship!! The Doormat Division is extreeeeeeeeeeemely proud of the 49ers, and yesterday's loss doesn't diminish that in the slightest. It feels good to have lost a big game, because, by cracky, we were THERE.

aaaAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

Lambs, Dolts Prepare for Doormat Bowl

Krustkarsk, Russia--All the attention may be on the ex-doormat San Francisco 49ers as they prepare for the NFC Championship game, but here in Krustkarsk the buzz is all about teams that are still in the basement sipping beers on the Barcalounger.

The Doormat Bowl is just a few weeks away, and the temperature rose to -6 degrees in Krustkarsk this morning, and the Lambs and Dolts were able to get in some practice after heater trucks thawed out the turf in the Raisa Gorbachyova Soccer Stadium. At the airport, which is closed due to neglect, teens drank Vodka and drag raced trucks in the pleasant winter weather.

Raisa Soccer Stadium

"We are so bursting with proud to be hosting a real American professional football game here in Russia," said Vladimir Putskiya, mayor of Krustkarsk.

Krustkarsk in January

Putskiya said they have sold over 120,000 tickets for the Doormat Bowl. "We have only the 80,000 seats so it should be a noisy crowd," he said. Last year's Doormat Bowl was at Grant High School in Portland, Oregon. The mostly soccer-fan crowd of 2,400 spent the better part of the game playing hacky sack. So the Lambs and Dolts were happy to be playing in a bigger venue with a larger crowd that will actually watch the game.

Training Facility for Indianapolis in Krustkarsk, Russia

"It's been great," said Sam Bradford, QB, St. Louis. "The people here have really opened up their arms to us, and they think we are tough." Bradford, who threw for 2,870 yards this season, more than half the yards of Drew Brees, said the cold weather should not affect his passing game. "I seldom complete anything over 5 yards down field, so the cold weather shouldn't be a problem," he said.

The Lambs averaged 12.1 points per game in 2011, the lowest scoring average in the NFL, so the Indianapolis Dolts, who averaged 15.2 points, will have to get creative to find a way to stay out of the end zone or the uprights enough for the Lambs to win.

"It's all going to come down to defense," said A.J. Ebbs, LB, Indianapolis. "And ours is much worse."

Not exactly. The Dolts gave up 26.9 points per game as opposed to the Lambs' 25.4. However, the Dolts did give up over 100 yards more in rushing in 2011, and this game, in the sub-zero weather, will be lost on the ground. "Our linebackers over commit on a regular basis," Ebbs said. "And on that rock-hard cold turf, running backs will get a lot of speed and beat us to the corners regularly. We figure to give up at least 300 yards on the ground in this game. The Lambs will never overcome that."

Look for more updates from Krustkarsk at the Doormat Bowl approaches.

And Then There Were Four

Well, guess what? Only one fancy pants team with a lousy defense is left in the quest for the Reverse Moldy Carpet trophy, which I have been told is called the Super Bowl Trophy. Something like that. It's hard to see the writing when you are down in the basement and the trophy is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay way up there on that shelf in the nice room with all the shiny stuff. We're not allowed in there.

This weekend's games was the classic reminder that hard tough defense, error-free offense and turnovers carry the day in the playoffs. The Niners set that tone at their 3 yard line with The Hit of the weekend, Donte Whitner knocking out Pierre Thomas, and knocking out the ball, stopping the Saints cold on their first drive. The wisdom was the Niners couldn't score more than 27. Alex Smith and Vernon Davis clearly had another plan. Not bad for having been in the 10 Club just last year.

Doormat Legacy: Niners still kept it under 20 first downs, punted 8 times, poor 3rd down conversion (wow are they terrible there, 3rd and 7 is like 3rd and a MILE), and Alex Smith still does not have a 300-yard game in his career (299 on Saturday). So some solid Doormat tendencies still hanging around. But ZERO turnovers.

The Giants, what can you say? After losing to the 49ers on Nov 13th and then losing three more in a row, the Giants win 5 of the last 6 and look like their old selves in the playoffs. Kicking, scratching, biting, and flinging the bomb. Watch out. Eli Manning and the Hail Mary. Wow.

The Patriots look like the offensive machine we have come to expect every year for the last 10+, and they got to play the absolute worst team in the playoffs, the Buncos, who thank goodness finished 9-9, and preserve some sort of Doormat Cred. Their defense looked great against the Bunks, but perhaps that was just because someone finally did a little research about how you defense the option, and why nobody runs it in the NFL (fast and smart linebackers, anyone?).

And, finally, the Baltimore Ravens, the team with the killer defense, and a stench-defying offense! Tom Brady better hope he doesn't end up on a gurney by halftime. The Ravens got a Doormat Gold 11 first downs, 227 total yards, 9 punts, and WON the stinking game yesterday, because the Texans gifted them two touchdowns and basically coughed the ball up whenever they were in danger of mounting a threat. Rookie quarterbacks and the playoffs really don't mix once you hit the second round.

OKAY, on to the matchups!

If you've spent any time watching football for the last 30 years, you know that a Niners-Giants matchup in the playoffs is something to put on extra padding for. Some of the most brutal contests are these two in the playoffs. Joe Montana got hit so hard once by Giant DE Leonard Marshall, breaking his hand and cracking some ribs, that he said "I thought I was gonna die." The worst beating the 49ers ever had in the playoffs was the 49-3 shellacking at the hands of the Giants back in 1989. The 49er faithful haven't forgotten, and neither have the Giants fans forgotten the galling 39-38 loss back in 2003. The playoff record between these two is 4-3 49ers. Wanna read up on a crusher? 1991, 15-13 Giants win in the NFC Championship (see Montana quote above).

OKAY, the game: The 49ers get a home game, but it's against a team that is going to give them a far tougher fight than the Packers were going to. The Giants defense is ranked lower (25th) than the Patriots (15), but ignore that.

What not to ignore is that Green Bay dropped a lot of wide-open passes yesterday. The Giants secondary is so-so, unless they come up with INTs. Alex Smith doesn't throw interceptions...he throws it away (hence the crummy 3rd down conv. percentage). So, Niners aren't going to go nuts, but they will have some chances in the air. Giants defend the run decently, and Frank Gore, though he got in a big run and made some big catches late in the game Saturday, is running on tired legs (he does a lot of pass blocking). Watch for some trick plays with Ted Ginn Jr., if he is healthy, and making Gore an outlet option a tad more. Giants will triple team Vernon Davis, and so Michael Crabtree is going to have to go up and get a few. Best chance for INTs is to get your hands up and deflect Smith's passes, as he is a tad short and throws flat on short passes.

Giants have zero running game, worst in the league, and it should get nowhere on Sunday, putting Eli Manning in the 49er pass rush target sights. Serious trouble for NY. Anytime Manning puts on a helmet and hits the field, I give them a chance. He comes up big in the big games.

The weather forecast is for rain and a swamp of a field, as only a below sea-level field just a parking lot from the water can produce. I really think both teams are going to have an extremely hard time scoring at all, and it's going to come down to a long field goal as time expires. 49er kicker David Akers set the record for most field goals ever this year and hit on 7 of 9 from over 50 yards, which is kind of obscene.

Giants K Lawrence Tynes is no slouch, but hit on only 1 of 3 from over 50.

Pick: 49ers by 1

The team that gets no respect (supposedly) against the team that always looks like they are just going to march into the Super Bowl and win, but, in fact, don't. But 3 out of 4 times in 10 years ain't bad. I mean, the Cleveland Browns haven't done that. Just sayin'. Have another bowl of Chomps (special Super Bowl flavor- "Bitter").

The GAME: Do the Ravens have a weakness on defense? If anyone is going to find it, Tom Brady will. Once again, the Pats are another playoff team with not much of a running game, and against the Ravens, that's trouble.

The Ravens have a running game, definitely, and the Pats are not tough on the run. If the Ravens can get an early lead, they could grind it out and pull out a win. If Brady can find some time to throw, and they make a good game plan, and snag a couple of early turnovers, Ravens go home. The Ravens have already played the toughest AFC defense in the playoffs (Texans), so they will move the ball. The Pats are surprisingly good at stopping teams from scoring, when they have to.

The Ravens have played exactly ONE team, all year, with any kind of a high powered offense, the Chargers. And they lost 34-14. They barely beat the Browns 20-14. Joe Flacco is not Joe Namath, fu manchu mustache or not.

Pick: Pats by 14.

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!

The Long Ball

Football's most hallowed play, the BOMB, is our #1 topic this week.

The Steelers, the top ranked defense in the NFL 2011, had given up exactly 2 passes of 40+ yards all season (league low). Until they met the Broncos. Though the game winning play was not a bomb (but it sure went for 82 yards), it counts as 40+. After that last long one, the Steelers completed their embarrassment- 4 passes for over 40 yards completed. The Broncos averaged 31.6 yards on each completed pass- all 10 of them. That's nuts.

Since we have a bunch of rocket launchers for playoff teams this year, just who is set up for getting burned? The Packers, Patriots, Saints and Giants are the 4 worst pass defenses in the league.

Giving up the Big One 40+ Yards

New Orleans - 14 (led league)

Broncos- 13

San Francisco- 12

Packers- 10

Patriots- 9

Ravens- 8

Giants- 7

Texans -6

Giving up the Pretty Big One- 20+ Yards

Patriots- 79

Packers- 71

Giants- 60

Saints- 49

49ers- 48

Broncos- 46

Ravens- 46

Texans- 45

OFFENSE: completions of 40+ made

Giants- 18

Packers- 16

Patriots- 14

Saints- 11

Texans- 11 (but no Matt Schaub, right?)

Broncos- 8

Ravens- 7

49ers- 6

It's BOMBS AWAY in this league.

Looks like a wild game in New England on Saturday. Saints-49ers should be exciting, with Brees getting the big one multiple times (unless Aldon Smith goes sack happy), Green Bay- Giants should be a festival of frozen spheroids hurtling in the air, and Baltimore-Houston should be about 6-3 and the most boring playoff game of 2011. Maybe the last 10 years.

As Walkfish pointed out yesterday, no team with a lower than 8th ranking in defense has ever won the Super Bowl (2006 Colts). If we use that as the yardstick...

Best to worst D in the playoffs, and their season rank

Texans (2)

Ravens (3)

49ers (4)

Broncos (20)

Saints (24)

Giants (27)

Patriots (31)

Packers (32)

Lots of teams with suspect D have reached the Super Bowl, but they don't win it. Looks bad for the Pack, Pats, Giants, Saints and Broncos. 49ers have trouble scoring, and the object of the game is to score more than the other team. Texans need small miracle, with their 14th string QB, to get by the Ravens, so....just going by the stats...

Super Bowl

Ravens- Saints

(Packers have no running game at all, I'm sorry)

Ravens win.

However, this may be the year that stat (nobody below 8th D ever won) gets blown up.

Tee Up the Ball!!

DOORMAT VICTORY!

Denver Broncos 29, Pittsburgh Steelers 23

They may have ended up 8-8, but we still consider them part of the family. And, like last year's Doormat Playoff representative, the Seahags, the Denver Bunco-Donky-Bunks do it again!!

The heavily favored Steelers have to travel to the division winner of the worst division in the NFL (that's not REALLY true, but the records are the worst), and get knocked off by a team that people keep insisting is really terrible.

I'm not going to go all Tebowing on you guys, because these are the guys that ruined my chance at the Moldy Carpet Fantasy League trophy, but that was one of the more unusual paths to victory I've seen in a while.

Give coach John Fox credit for coming up with a crafty game plan- the Pittsburgh defense was totally deked about 10 times. When you have receivers AVERAGING 50 yards per reception, somebody is getting faked out of their jockstrap. An entire defense is out of position. I've never seen a team more convinced, like the Steelers were, that the Broncos weren't really going to pass the ball. I have never seen a team overload the line that much, or more eager to commit to a run than today's Steeler defense. Guys- it's just a QB that runs an option. Play a little more conventional defense. Oops!

Sure, the Steelers were banged up. So? What a gameplan- run it, unless you throw the bomb. Those short over the middle passes going for huge gains though....Steeler meltdown.

see you next week for a rumpus in New England.

-Wacko

Doormat Cheerleaders

Do cheerleaders and Doormat teams correlate? Well, maybe. The Brownies don't have any! I guess they are just that bad that not one person was willing to don the Chomps brown bikini and pom-pom for Cleveland.

But Detroit has another take. No official team cheerleaders, but there is a club, "Detroit Pride." (Get it, pride of Lions?).

Here is a sample of the Detroit Pride:

I guess that works since the Lions don't play outdoors. Nice chassis from the Motor City. Is she imported from Detroit too?

And the Lambies?

Here is a sample:

Well, I think the Oracle from the Basement has to give the Pride the edge right now.

And the Dolts?

Here is a sample:

Nice, wholesome lady from Indiana.

The Oracle still gives the edge to Detroit. But, hey, the Oracle is biased.

A full report of Doormats and Cheerleaders will follow the exciting Doormat Bowl between Indianapolis and St. Louis on Feb. 6.

From Doormat to Contender

Every year, all teams are hopeful. I think if the Carolina Panthers had had this cheerleader give them a pep talk before each game, or maybe just strike this pose, they would have run through a wall for her.

And now let's go from DOORMAT TO CONTENDER. 1. After 300 years of losing, the first step to becoming a contender is to beat all those teams you used to hang out with. You let them know you’ve moved to a new neighborhood. Next you actually rise up and clock teams that have winning records, and put that seed of doubt in their minds about the playoffs, should they see you again.

Which of our new playoff teams have done this?

Detroit Lions (10-6)

First appearance in playoffs since 1999

Beat Doormats? Yes. Vikings (2), Bucs, Panthers, Cheaps

Beat Winners? NO.

Other victories: 8-8 Club- Bears, Raiders, Chargers, Broncos, Cowboys. All 8-8.

LOSSES: Saints, Packers (2), 49ers, Falcons, Bears. Basically, every playoff team and the Bears would have been one if Jay Cutler stays healthy (but would have counts for nothing in the NFL..or anywhere else).

Sayonara, Lions.

Denver Donky Bunco Bunks (8-8)

Sorry I just can’t help it.

First appearance in playoffs since 2005 (these guys are the 8-8 kings)

Beat Doormats? Yes. Cheaps, Chargers, Dolphins, Vikings.

Beat Winners? Yes. Bengals (it counts!)

Other Victories: 8-8 club: Jets, Chargers, Bears, Raiders.

Losses: Bills, Cheaps, Lions, Chargers, Packers, Titans, Raiders. That’s losing to a wide variety of teams.

Doesn’t look good. Need Miracle.

Cincinnati Bengals (9-7)

Last Playoff appearance: 2009 (won AFC North)

Beat Doormats? YES. Browns (2), Colts, Jaguars, Seahawks, Lambs, Bills.

Beat Winners? YES. Titans

Other Victories: 8-8 club- Cardinals

LOSSES: Broncos, 49ers, Ravens (2), Steelers (2), Texans

They lost by 1 point to the Texans. 1. They have a solid chance to win this time.

San Francisco 49ers (13-3)

Last playoff appearance: 2002

Beat Doormats? YES. Seahawks (2), Bucs, Browns, Redskins, Lambs (2)

Beat Winners? YES. Giants, Lions, Steelers, Bengals (ok, admittedly, these are 2 ex-doormats, but that’s crucial to establishing who belongs in the new neighborhood.)

Other Victories: 8-8 club: Eagles, Cardinals

Losses: Cowboys, Ravens, Cardinals

These guys belong in the new neighborhood. Still going to have rough time against Saints, if Saints beat Lions. If Lions win, then it is Giants-Falcons winner.

DOORMATS IN THE PLAYOFFS

Wait, you say, isn’t the run to the Moldy Carpet over, except for the Strat-o-Matic vibrating football game on Feb. 6^th?? Yes!

But we’ve got 3 ex-doormats in the playoffs, and a very recent Doormat, so let’s take a quick check of their mettle.

EX-DOORMATS in the Playoffs!

Remember, the team with the best chance to LOSE has the EDGE.

Detroit Lions (10-6)

Flipping their record from last year, 6-10, the Kittens have transformed the Kat Box into a winner’s circle, winning every game at home…unless a team with a winning record showed up. The Lions, for all their fun offense,and some flashy defense, did not beat a team that finished with a winning record this year. How much of an indictment is that? Only 11 teams even finished with a winning record this year (compared with 13 last year and 15 in 2009), so FINDING a team in the black was a bit of an adventure. At this rate, next year there will only be 9 teams with a winning record…that may not be possible. But the gravitational pull of the Doormat is obviously increasing every year, so something’s gotta give. To be fair, the Bears, Raiders and Cowboys did have winning records when they played the Lions- but they didn’t after! The Lions were 5-0 when they played the infamous ‘Handshake’ game against the 49ers, and it’s a shame they’ll both have to make the NFC Champeenship to have a rematch. Both teams played like crazed animals the whole time. No wonder Harbaugh gave Lions coach a body bump and forearm shiver afterwards. The Lions lost that one and then lost to Atlanta, and in both games had moments where their composure was toast.

Shaking the Doormat Tendency

The Lions can surrender an awful lot of points, so being one year removed from the 10 Club still shows, and their penchant for knucklehead penalties at truly inopportune moments is going to bite them in the ass in New Orleans if they don’t watch it. Typical behavior of teams that just exited the Doormat and are inexperienced in the playoffs is the coaches allow the players to get too high emotionally, they over-pursue, they make late hits, and they keep trying to make toughness statements that have nothing to do with executing their plays. Watch for the Lions to make all these mistakes in the early going. Doing that against the Saints will be a really bad idea. It could be 21-0 by the end of the first quarter. So, their only hope is to somehow play smart in the first quarter, and match firepower with the Saints for the whole game. TALL ORDER.

The Saints and Lions have the #2 and #4 offenses in the league, but the Lions have #29 running game. Only the Packers can get away with that. It’s going to kill the Lions. This should be a Lu-Lu of a game. EDGE: LIONS

San Francisco 49ers (13-3)

The Niners also were 10 Club members last year (6-10) and shocked the whole league with their turn-around, even keeping Doghouse QB Alex Smith and turning him into a reliable QB who doesn’t fumble or throw interceptions. He also has come through with big plays at crucial moments.

The Niners are not pretty. They pretty much still play like a Doormat team, but have honed it into a fine art. They have the WORST 3^rd down conversion rate of any playoff team, including Denver, and that’s really saying something. Their offense is 2 first downs and an extremely long field goal attempt, or a punt.

What are they Doing Right?

Their aces in the hole, in fact, are punter Andy Lee and kicker David Akers. Lee can boot a 60 yard punt, and make it stop dead at the 2 when it finally hits earth. He averaged 50.1 yards for the season, with an all-time NFL record of 43.99 yards net average. He’s uncanny. Akers has been money all year, setting franchise records for most points and most field goals, and a TD pass, and consistently hitting from 50 yards or more. So, the special teams are NOT doormat anymore, a huge difference between going 6-10 and 13-3. On offense, the 49ers tied the NFL record for fewest interceptions (5) and least turnovers in a season, 10, matched only once (the Pats) since 1941. They haven’t allowed a point scored off a turnover since week 6 against Detroit. That’s nuts. Add to this the 49ers have a defense that gives up a few first downs, but turns into a WALL at their own 40, and you have a team that plays what people call ‘old-school’- field position football. So, they get away with having a team that is lucky to score 2 touchdowns in a game. Until now.

The 49ers will most likely be playing the Saints next week, and they will need to score 24 to 31 points to win that game. They can’t do 3 field goals and a touchdown (Doormat offense). They get to play at home no matter what, and avoiding the Super Dome is crucial. So, to win, they have to hold the Saints to under 24 points. It happened when the Saints lost to the Rams (!!!!!), 31-21, and when they beat the Titans 22-17. So, it’s not COMPLETELY unlikely. If anybody can do it, the 49ers can. But it’s scoring the points that may be just too hard to do.

Advice to Saints, stunt and blitz right up the middle all day. Alex Smith is short, throws a low trajectory, and can’t see over the line, and has to bail out of the pocket sooner as a result. John Harbaugh taught little brother a lesson back on Nov. 24^th when the Ravens crushed the 49ers 16-6, sacking Smith 9 times. That’s your defensive game plan…hire the Ravens.

DENVER BRONCOS (8-8)

Ah, now we get to our Doormat representative. Last year’s AFC Doormat Champ with a 4-12 record, the Broncos take advantage of the bumbling ‘who’s a bigger loser’ AFC West and squeak into the playoffs for a…HOME GAME against Pittsburgh. They don’t have a losing record, but 8-8 isn’t winning, so I’m not going to criticize too much. The team with the worst QB rating in the league (composite) stumbles into the playoffs after losing their last 3 games. Their defense, which is what keeps them in position to win a game with Tebow heroics at the end, disappeared the last 3 weeks, though they held the Cheaps to 7 last week. The Cheaps probably handled that all on their own, but we’ll let it slide. The Buncos are a bigger mirage than the Bungles, and….ah, geez I just can’t do it. They way they won all those games during their win streak, I can’t count them out.

Ben Rothlisberger, the toughest QB in the league, limps into Denver and better watch out, because if the Broncos can bring the D like they did during their win streak, it’s going to be trouble. The Steelers are banged up. Broncos poised to pull off similar upset like Seahags over Saints last year.

Say it isn’t so. EDGE: even.

CINCINATTI BENGALS 9-7

The team Carson Palmer refused to play for (and didn’t that work out nicely for Carson) backs into the playoffs! The Bungles, just one year removed from going 4-12 and tying for the AFC Doormat Crown, will attempt to play error-free football in Houston, where they are trying out the water boy for QB. He will wear a Gatorade bucket for a helmet. He’s got ice in his veins. The Texans are wobbling seriously, and if the Bengals can keep the Bunglonian Fog back in Cincy for this one, the defense will keep them in the game. These guys, like all Cincy teams, teeter on respectability every game. They can look great, and look just like last year. This is the Yo-Yo team, going 9-7, then 4-12, 10-6, then 2-14. They do it by the week, too. The inconsistency is going to kill them.

BUNGLES lose in Houston. EDGE: BUNGLES

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 17 Wrap-Up and Hangover

Congratulations, Doormat gladiators! The season is over. Time to hang up your face-paint, tear off the glued-on skulls, stuff the low IQ signs in the trash, flop into the recliner and watch a Bonanza marathon- something where the home team wins every time. Lorne Greene shoulda coached the Oilers.

Let’s get right to the accolades and awards!

FINAL DOORMAT STANDINGS AND AWARDS

AFC CHAMPION

Indianapolis Dolts 2-14

As expected, the Dolts come through with a solid loss against the not-bad-enough Jaguars and are just one vibrating electronic football game fumble away from the Doormat Crown. Dolts snag first round draft pick, and if they don’t draft Andrew Luck, we’ll know that have big plans in the Doormat for 2012-13.

NFC CHAMPION

St. Louis Lambs 2-14

With yesterday’s Futile Comeback against the 49ers, the Lambs nail down the NFC Doormat and a shot at the Doormat Division Championship. This team is money.

TOILET BOWL 2012

Lambs vs. Dolts, Strat-o-Matic Stadium, Feb. 6^th, 2012

Yep, the day after the Super Bowl, that way we can get a whole deli-spread from our neighbor’s garbage cans. BE THERE or be on YouTube.

FINAL DOORMAT STANDINGS

NFC

St. Louis Lambs 2-14

Minnesota Yikings 3-13

Tampa Bay Bootineers 4-12

Washington Deadskins 5-11

Carolina Pansies 6-10

Seattle Seahags 7-9

Amazingly, 3 teams pulled to 8-8 yesterday, and stayed out of the Basement for the off-season (Chicago, Philly, Arizona)

AFC

Indianapolis Dolts 2-14

Cleveland Brownies 4-12

Jacksonville Gaguars 5-11

Buffalo Nils 6-10

Miami Floppers 6-10

Kansas City Cheaps 7-9

The Brownies finish their season with an amazing push and get past the Gaguars, who were up against the champs. Also pulling to 8-8 yesterday were the Chargers. The Broncos and Raiders also finish 8-8, inspired, but falling short of Basement membership.

I honestly think of the Raiders as being about 4-12, but the numbers don’t lie.

ETERNAL, EVERLASTING

GODS OF GAWDAWFUL

The teams that are here, have been here, and will continue to be here. The teams that achieve hopelessness from the top down, not just through a bunch of unfortunate injuries or some other lame excuse for losing. These are the teams that PLANNED it this way, and are keeping the flame burning for all who aspire to losing big, and doing it every year.

ST. LOUIS RAMS started 0-7, finished 2-14. Ever since Kurt Warner left town, it’s been as ugly as their worn-out rug at Edward Jones stadium.

CLEVELAND BROWNS- started 3-3, finished 4-12. The team that refuses to install an offense. Flat-out refusal.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS- yeah sure they went 10-6 in 2010. So? They brought it all back this year. They’ve already fired the coach- who elese will they dump?

BUFFALO BILLS started 5-2, finish 6-10. Still haven’t had winning season since 2004. I’m not believing until I see it.

OAKLAND RAIDERS- Maybe I should ease off. After all, they’ve gone 8-8 two years in a row. But I can’t. Not after yesterday’s embarrassment, along with 5-6 others this season where the Rayduuurrrrrz beat themselves. As long as they have Carson “Blow-It” Palmer at the helm, and they can set the world record for penalties, these guys will not make the playoffs. 10 years and counting. Al Davis is not resting in peace, Baby.

The Dolts and Yikings will need to turn in 4-5 more years of horrible-ness to get in this club. 1 or 2 years of bad is nothing. NOTHING.

THE 10 CLUB

Losing 10 games represents dedication, consistency, and franchise-wide planning to achieve this level of competitiveness in the Doormat. 10 losses is institutional losing. 10 losses and you can’t say your team isn’t bad. They stink, OK? Get on the right side of losing- now. Even those games they “should have won” won’t get them to .500. Full membership in the Basement (access to orange couch, PBR bar, possum nest, Barcalounger, dumpster-dive deli spread, and outside coffee grill on Patio). 7-9 teams only allowed on outside Patio, and are not allowed to use grill without permission from 10 club members.

Just making the 10 Club yesterday were the Buffalo Nils and the Carolina Pansies, two teams with similar offensive fire-power and flimsy defense. The Nils began the season 5-2, and managed to go 1-8 for the rest of the season. Led by their bearded wizard of turnover, Ryan Fitzpatrick, the Nils come skidding to a crash in the Basement today with a final implosion against New England, falling handily 49-21. Fitzpatrick does as expected, throwing FOUR interceptions, just enough to snag the INT trophy for 2012. Their logo proudly remains on the mast-head. The Pansies, despite having the league MVP (Cam Newton) on their team, still have the most porous defense in the league (take that, Colts, Rams and Bucs!). The Pansy logo endures for another year!

The 10 Club mebership 2011-12 Season: The Colts, Rams, Vikings, Browns, Buccaneers, Jaguars, Redskins, Bills, Panthers and the Dolphins.

DOORMAT AWARDS 2011

Most Jaw-Dropping Loss

This is an extremely tough call, as the Vikings, Brownies and Dolphins checked in with some of the most astonishing self-destructions in 2011, but I have to give it to the Dallas Cowboys for this one:

Cardinals 19, Cowboys 13

Until this game, I had never seen a team ice its own kicker. As Cowboy rookie kicker Dan Bailey boots a 49-yard field goal to win it at the end of regulation, Cowboys coach Jason Garrett calls a timeout!! Properly iced, Bailey misses his second attempt moments later, Arizona wins the toss in overtime, Card’s QB Kevin Kolb dumps off a shortie to LaRod Stephens-Howling and he goes 52 yards for the TD. “I was glad they iced their kicker at the end so I didn’t have to do it,” deadpanned Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt.

One time out cost the Cowboys the playoffs. Nicely done.

BIGGEST FLAME-OUT

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Yes, I know the Eagles fell from the highest perch, hilariously imploding, with a majority of their losses coming on prime-time football TV, but they finished 8-8 and that doesn’t get you in the Doormat, so NO. And the Brownies finished the year with an impressive collapse that only the Brownies can do.

But first Place goes to the Buccaneers, the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything right. Standing at 4-2 back in week 7, teetering on respectability, the Bootineers, who live up to that nickname better than any doormat in league history, go on a 10-game losing streak (pulling even with their last 10 game streak in 1977- the glory days) to finish the season 4-12. The Boots do it with the most fumbles and interceptions and Sack-Fumble-TDs over the final 10 games than any other team. It wasn’t a matter of IF with these guys, it was WHEN. Coming in a close second, and taking the AFC honors are the Buffalo Bills, who made it to week 8 at 5-2, and then went 1-8 for the remainder, their sole win coming against the Broncos when Tim Tebow actually out-interceptioned (that’s not really a word) Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick goes on phenomenal interception rampage, finishing with league high 25.

Someone asked us, back at 5-2, when we would take the Nils logo off our masthead. Well, now we don’t have to. Solid.

MOST COME FROM AHEAD LOSSES

9, Minnesota Vikings

Nothing crushes the home fans more than taking a lead and then blowing it week after week. The Yikings did a first this season, blowing 3 double digit first half leads in their first 3 games. In all, the Yikings lose 9 games after scoring first, and in most of them, leading at half-time. The Dolphins, Eagles and Pansies round out the ‘nearly winning.’

MOST BLOWN 4^th QUARTER LEADS

5, Philadephia Eagles

The Pheebles get at least one award here, setting the all-time NFL record for most blown 4^th quarter leads with FIVE flameouts that played out on a national stage almost every time. Looking like they were going to take it to the house at one point, the Pheebles just dodge Doormat membership and finish 8-8, a solid mediocrity for 2011.

WORST GAME OF THE YEAR

Browns 6, Seahawks 3. October 23^rd, 2011 Brownie Bake Sale Stadium. It’s no contest.The game that coined the term “Sluf-gest,” the Brownies and Seahags turn in stinking snoozer of a grid-iron refusal to win in front of the most mistreated fans in sports, Cleveland. A real shoe-gazer of a butt-freezing, mind-numbing contest. For the full details, see our coverage of this amazing ball game: http://doormatdivision.blogspot.com/2011/10/doormat-division-nfl-week-seven.html

BIGGEST KNUCKLEHEADS, MOST PENALTIES

The Professors of the Bonehead Forest, the self-professed bullies of the AFC, the Oakland Raiders cross the finish line with the all-time NFL record in penalties, 163 yellow hankies and total yardage of 1358 to BLOW AWAY the competition. The next closest team was Seattle at 138 and 1047, a full three football fields short of the Rayduuurrrrzzzz. Detroit comes in second in yardage (1075) and admittedly had N. Suh working himself up as poster boy for the Bonehead Forest, but the Raiders do it as part of the team concept, so that’s why the Raiders kept themselves out of the playoffs and the Lions find themselves having to go to New Orleans next week instead of going golfing.

TEAM AWARDS OFFENSE

Fewest Points: 193 Rams (12 pt. per game)

The Lambs explode for 27 points in the finale, and finish with a gaudy 12 point average, clawing their way out of some elite company. I hate those 4^th quarter touchdowns where the other team takes their foot off the Lamb’s neck. These guys could have averaged less than 10 for the season, but had to contend with 2^nd and 3^rd string defenses in the 4^th quarter, as well as teams that have already started the party on the sideline.

Worst Offense: 283.5 yards per game, St. Louis Rams

Worst Running Game: 89.2 yards per game, 3.5 yards per carry, both league lows, New York Giants.

The Giants limp into the playoffs on the backs of Eli Manning and Victor Cruz. As bad as the Giants can be, any team with a Manning on it in the playoffs has a chance.

Worst Passing Game: 136.8 yards per game, Jacksonville Jaguars

If Tim Tebow had been in all season, maybe this is different. Maybe not.

Lowest overall QB team rating: 62.2, Denver Broncos. Tebow and Kyle Orton nail it down, and the Buncos still make the playoffs.

Fewest TDs: 16, St. Louis Lambs. It ended up close, thanks to yesterday’s Lamb TD fest. The Cheaps take 2^nd with 18, even though they held the TDs to 1 yesterday.

FEWEST passing TDs: 9, Lambs. Single digits. Wow.

Fewest Rushing TDS: 4, Cleveland Browns

Yes, it really was that bad. Have another bowl of Chomps.

MOST Times SACKED: 55, St. Louis Lambs. The Lambs snatch the sack award on the last day, hitting the turf 3 times as the Crudinals only get 2, and finish 1 behind at 54.

Most Interceptions: 25 Buffalo Bills, Philadelphia Eagles. Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick gets all 25 interceptions, as the Pheebles use 3 QBs to tie for first.

Most Fumbles: 30 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Denver Broncos! The Bucs drop it 3 times on the final day of the season to pull into a dead heat with Denver, as Tim Tebow manages a costly fumble near the Kansas City goal-line to at least grab a share of the fumble crown for the Buncos.

Lowest Third Down Conversion rate: 28.1%, St. Louis Rams. Denver checks in with worst 4^th down rate, 23.1%

Worst Red Zone Conversion: 33%, Kansas City Chiefs, 38.7%, St. Louis Rams

Worst Give/Take-away ratio: -15, Washington Deadskins

TEAM AWARDS DEFENSE

Most Points Allowed: 407, (25.4 per game) Rams

Most Yard Allowed: 394 avg, Buccaneers

Most Rushing Yards allowed: 156.1 avg Buccaneers

Most rushing TDs allowed: 26, Buccaneers

Most Passing Yards allowed: 299.7, Green Bay Packers

Most Passing TDs allowed: 34, Minnesota Vikings

Fewest Interceptions: 8, Vikings, Colts

Worst 3^rd down defense: 6.1 conversion per game, Indianapolis Colts

OKAY!! We’ll be back with some individual numbers and single game awards, but for now, I’m letting these numbers stand. Look for our “Doormat Teams in The Playoffs” coming up later this week.

aaAAAAAAAAnd that’s the View from the Basement!