Cheeps and Pheebles Bound for Glory in Athens

An amazing season has ended, with two of the worst teams we have seen in a very long time, the Philadephia Pheebles and the Kansas City Cheeps, locked and definitely very loaded for Doormat Bowl 2013 to be played in Olympic Stadium in ancient and magical Athens, Greece on February 4, the day after the Super Bowl.

Why Athens? Well, it was available. There was supposed to be a mock sea battle there on February 5  with replica ancient Greek ships sailing in a lake of olive oil in the center of the stadium, but a Greek worker on a break accidentally set the oil on fire with his cigar and burned the entire fleet during a practice. So the stadium is now available, though the field is a little slippery.

"Of course we welcome Amerikans to play Amerikan football here," said Likos Malachikos, mayor of Athens. "Greeks invented football. In fact, the word football comes from the Greek word Ped, which means foot, and Americans pronounce it Foot, and ball comes from Greek, "Balk" which means to shove into the ground and make to eat grass. An old shepherd's game from the days of Pericles."

Malachikos added that the average Athenian appreciates a good party when they should be at work, so Monday afternoon should be a great time for the game and the stadium should be full. "Not much else to do around here on a Monday," he said, "Unless you like to work."

"We are looking forward to playing in front of 100,000 Greeks drinking Ouzo and picking up seats with their teeth," said NFL Commissioner Roger Godell. "Greeks love a party and rarely give a damn what is happening on the field. That should work out well for these two miserable teams. Thank God we don't have to watch."

And speaking of Greeks, we will provide a full pre game analysis in the coming week. But for now, we will pay homage to Jimmy the Greek, one Greek who did know his football but not how to keep his mouth shut or at least his opinions to himself.

Jimmy Snyder was bounced from picking winners when he made some racists comments we won't repeat here. However, we bring him out of the tomb here  to make a prediction for the Doormat Bowl.

Kansas City-- 36
Philadelphia-- 32

Unless Chip Kelly is allowed to coach for the Doormat Bowl, then Jimmy is picking Pheebles by 2.

And that's the view from Athens right now.

Doormats May Crash Party in Playoffs

OK, they are not Doormat Division teams now, but they sure as heck were in the very recent past. The Vikes had a seat at the couch in Week 3 of this season. Sheesh. And how about the Dolts? 2-14 to 11-5? Remember, they played in the Doormat Bowl in Russia last February.

So it's still time for a few predictions:

Cincinnati- 36
Houston- 12

Houston gets a head start on the Doormat Division next year and is one and done in the playoffs against a perennial Doormat that has suddenly found a way to win games. Go Bungles! We love it when our Doormats win.

Minnesota- 28
Green Bay- 31 (OT)

The Yikings have to beat the Pack two weeks in a row. They almost do, but not quite enough gas to get it done. Congrats, guys! You got out of the Basement this year (but we will save you a stool and a warm PBR at the bar).

Indianapolis- 24
Ravens- 21

Andrew Luck has not been playing long enough to understand that he is supposed to lose. Dolts, the darling of the Doormat Division last year, beat the Ravens, a team that keeps falling down in the playoffs. Flacco has made the playoffs more consecutive times than any other quarterback, but no Super Bowl. Hm, kinda sounding like a guy who used to play for the Pheebles. I think he liked canned soup.

Seattle- 33
Washington- 38

Wow, what a shootout, and between two teams that really stunk just a few years back. What a change. Now, the Seahags will probably win, all the odds are in their favor, but the frozen turkey picked the Deadskins. Go Skins!

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17: THE FINAL INDIGNITY

DOORMAT DIVISION:  THE FINAL INDIGNITY

Well, me and my brother ‘Fish finally got back from the most miserable duck-hunting expedition of our lives in the muck and drizzle of the Middle Earth that is Oregon only to find a guillotine on the Basement patio, and several severed head coaching and general manager heads rolling around in the bushes.  It took us all day to mop up and get around to our final tally of the Run to the Moldy Carpet.   You know, it would have been nice if somebody’d told us ducks fly south for the winter.   I think I have pneumonia.

              

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

THE PHILADELPHIA PHEEBLES AND

THE KANSAS CITY CHEAPS!!!

Coming from out of NOWHERE, the Pheebs bumble their way to their worst season since going 3-13 in 1998,  snag the NFC title in the doormat, get everybody fired that answered a phone at Pheeble headquarters in 2012, and will get their shot at the Moldy Carpet when they meet the Kansas City Cheaps in Toilet Bowl  V,  February 7^th.   LOCATION TBA.

Over in Kansas City, the Cheaps just narrowly outlast the Jacksonville Gaguars in what was a wild final weekend as both teams pulled out all the stops.  The Gags, against the Titanics,  allowed 2 punt return TDs and TWO interception return TDs, which is just jaw dropping determination to get into the god damned Toilet Bowl, but it wasn’t enough!   The Cheaps countered with another game of professional anemia in the kind of touchdown-less drubbing other wannabes can only dream of,  getting trampled by the Broncos, 38-3. 

The Cheaps are worse in almost every category than the Gags, and had the harder schedule- as in, they played a lot more really really really bad teams and still managed to lose almost every single week.  You try losing to the Raiders twice and the Chargers twice.  That’s serious Doormat Cred, and we’ve got the Cheaps wallpaper all ready to go.

But don’t count out the Eagles, because, boy whew howdy.

FINAL STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA     4-12       -164

DETROIT                4-12        -65

U. OF PHOENIX     5-11        -107

TAMPA BAY          7- 9         -5

NEW ORLEANS     7-9          +7

AFC

KANSAS CITY        2-14      -214

JACKSONVILLLE   2-14     -189

OAKLAND               4-12     -153

CLEVELAND           5-11     -66

TENNESSEE            6-10     -141

KUDOS AND DUBIOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHO!!!!!

An astounding 3 teams climbed up out of the muck this year.  The Vikings, Redskins,

Colts were all 10 CLUB (10 losses) members in 2011, and all three have made the playoffs, with the Redskins going so far as to win their division.   The Vikings beat 4 teams with winning records, which is almost unheard of in turn-around seasons (the Lions didn’t do it once last year).   

REDSKINS:  The Shanaplan is impressive.  I’ve always kinda liked to hate this guy, football fan style, but I gotta say the ‘Skins are really fun to watch.  The Read-Option offense looks like some kinda street ball and with RGIII running the show, it just looks like good ol’ fun football.  I would want to play on that team.

VIKINGS:  Last year, the Yikings led the league with 9 come-from-ahead losses. They were terrible.  This year, Adrien Peterson  runs over the entire league, narrowly missing the all-time record for rushing yards, and Christian Ponder pulls himself together and the Vikes win the last four games to crash the playoff party. Add in knocking the Packers down a peg in the playoff seed while pullng off the W yesterday, it’s a warm, fuzzy 14º day in Minneapolis….but let’s remember this is the team that is 0-4 in the Super Bowl, and they always, always ALWAYS find a way to blow it.  Their only chance at the trophy is if the Bills get there too.   And the Bills are already off to the golf course today.  Though I live in 49er land, when I was  kid, I owned a Viking helmet and jersey.  I’ve just learned to assume the worst.  

COLTS:  The tanking-est team in the NFL last season, the DOLTS prove they weren’t that bad (and also prove it was worth it to get Andrew Luck) going from 2-14 to 11-5, and looking like the best team in the AFC South yesterday, clobbering the reeling Houston Texans, who right now look like the charlatans of the league.  All hat and no cattle.

SPECIAL MENTION:  The CINCINNATI BENGALS have back–to-back winning seasons for the first time since before Shirly Temple Black was ambassador to Czechoslovakia.  31 years.  

THE TEN CLUB

If you don’t have 10 losses, you aren’t REALLY BAD.   You don’t fire your coach (usually) and you don’t get our respect.  Except for the Chargers, who would have easily gone 2-14 if they didn’t have to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz.  The Chargers fired everybody, most likely including their PR czar, who ran up the embarrassment flag over at Blots headquarters at mid-season, insulting the fans and giving away the game about just what this team was really trying to accomplish.  They didn't make it, though!  7-9, and the worst 7-9 team...but so what.  You guys aren't even bad enough to get membership in the Basement.  Boo.

 The marquee game for the 10 Club yesterday was the Bills-Jets, as the Jets just laid down and got run over by the Bills, getting both of them membership at 6-10.  Both clubs deserved to be in, but the AFC East was a tough place to lose 10, so hats off to the Nils and Nyets!  Rex Ryan couldn’t even get himself fired.  Now that’s amazing.

HERE THEY ARE:

The returning members:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES (5-11):  5 years in a row now.  The Senior member of the Club.  The President.  The keeper of the Basement Patio BBQ flame.  This year? Not Super Bad, but bad enough. GM and coach heads rolled.   The Brownie tradition continues.  There is a sliver of hope on the horizon, especially if the Steelers continue to get worse.  Chomps is still the mascot, and who wants a svelte captain of the Dawg Pound?  It’s just wrong.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-14):  Two years in a row.  What can you say?  A franchise effort, top to bottom, year-in, year-out.  No firing yet.  Somehow, they went 8-8 two years ago.  They worked out the kinks this year, but still could not snag the Doormat AFC crown.  Curses!  

BUFFALO BILLS:  The Nils make the 10 Club on the next to last week of the season, one ahead of last year. WOW.  That’s 4 years running.  Fire the head coach! Off with his head!  That’ll fix it.

New Members:

OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-12):  yesterday the Raiders fired everybody except the head coach.   It’s a complete rethink for the Silver and Blacked out, but until the Davis family finds an exit strategy, I forsee darkness in the cystal ball, and the Raiders will continue to be prisoners of their own Black Hole.  The Curse of Chucky continues.    Guess who they need to hire as coach.  One guess. I’m tired of seeing that smirk in the broadcast booth.  I want it on the sidelines. 

KANAS CITY CHEAPS (2-12):  That’s right, they only went 7-9 last year, though we were screaming that they were far worse.  They finally got there this year.  With Jim Zorn as QB coach, look for more horrible, bumbling QB play.  Unless they already fired him, along with Romeo Crennel.  Romeo even whipped out a crutch yesterday to garner some sympathy, but it didn’t work.   The Chiefs need new QB, and new receivers, and probably new everything.   Piece of cake.  

DETROIT KITTENS (4-12):  Last year’s underdog-turned-hero,  everybody overlooked the fact that they never beat a team with a winning record.   This year, they couldn’t beat anybody.  The Kitties stink it up at the Kat Box, narrowly missing the NFC Championship, and the bags come out in Lion-Land again.  Welcome back, guys, we saved a spot on the sofa for ya.  So far, no head coach firing.  The entire defense could get sacked, though.  What a bunch of posers.

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX CARDINALS (5-11):  GM and coach fired!  Really, this team is worse than the Eagles , but they pummeled the Pheebs 27-6 back in Week 3, when they were leading the NFC West.  Remember that?  I don’t.  The Crudinals have a looooooong way to go, so they might as well go down.  This team could be a Moldy Carpet champ next year if it all goes according to plan.

TENESSEE TITANICS (6-10):  Even with yesterday’s evidence that they are no match for the Jaguars,  the Titanics make it back to the 10 Club, and did it with style, getting blown out numerous times, twice giving up 50+ points, and losing by more than 30 five times. 

NY JETS (6-10):   Mark Sanchez in a straight-across trade for Alex Smith?  Alex starts and Sanchez has to battle for 2^nd string on the Niners?  What a pipe-dream, New York.  You’ve got a TERRIBLE TEAM.

WELL, THAT”S GONNA HAVE TO DO IT FOR TODAY!  We’ll be back with the final Awards for the Doormat All-Stars.   I gotta go lie down now and  recover from 8 days in a duck blind. 

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

NFL Week 17 Predictions: Doormat Final Four

Oops, wrong final four, but you get the idea, it's time for a slam dunk game to determine who is really the baddest of the bad, the beasts of bungling, the tornadoes of trippytoes, the chokers of chaos, etc.

And so it comes down to just four predictions that are even worth mentioning, and here they are:

Chicago- 26
Detroit- 28
Yes, the Kittens will get off the mat and win one and stay out of the Doormat Bowl. Actually, even if they lose, they are too far behind the Pheebles in differential stats to eek into the Doormat Bowl.

Phillies- 6
NY Giants- 50
Giants have to win, and when they have to they do, usually. Pheebles have to lose, and when they have to, they do. Pheebles go to the Doormat Bowl!

Kansas City- 3
Denver-48
The Cheeps put the nail in the coffin and punch their ticket to the Doormat Bowl.

Jacksonville- 24
Tennessee- 14
Gaguars stumble in game 16, win one against the formidable ineptitude of the Titanics, and stay out of the Doormat Bowl.

Oh, and one possibility is still out there...

Arizona- 32
San Francisco- 38
A shootout in SF and the Niners get into the playoffs and send Arizona into a tie with the Lions for next-to-worst in the NFC.

And the Oracle predicts at Pheebles-Cheeps Doormat Bowl!

Location, date and time to be announced later this week.

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 16 PREDICTIONS

AS THE TURKEY DOTH SPIN IN YON

 DANK AND DINGY BASEMENT

CHARGERS at JETS

 Mark Sanchez and Philip Rivers are neck and neck for the most total turnovers in the league.  It’s a Doormat Battle for the ages as these two teams try to salvage their doormat cred by making one last desperate heave towards 10 losses.  However, Greg McElroy will be under rump for the Nyets on Sunday, so that means Rivers may have the turnover lane all to himself, and Sanchez can do nothing but grab a clipboard and hope his 26 TOs will hold up.

EDGE to lose:  CHARGERS

REDSKINS at EAGLES

 Once again, local pundits are picking the PHEEBLES to win one.  Fat chance.  RGB III is back and that’s enough for us.  And even if he isn’t they still win.  The Eagles are terrible and played their last tough game last week.  It's Tee Time in the Pheebs locker room.

EDGE:  Eagles

PATRIOTS at JAGUARS

 Gaguars get to host Pats coming off first home loss since the Johnson administration.

EDGE to get BLOWN OUT:  JAGS

BILLS at DOLPHINS

Bills are the better turnover machine.   More stressed defense.  They’re getting their 10^th loss on Sunday.

EDGE:  BILLS

COLTS at CHIEFS

Though the Titans and the Jets played the Doormat Game of the Year last Monday ,  the Chiefs bring it every week like clockwork.  They have no quarterback.  Remember that.

Andrew Luck’s 25 turnovers are not enough, because the Chiefs will do nothing with the ball.  Nothing.   NOTHING.  Big news on the Chiefs news page is how the bodies of the two men executed for the 1959 killings that became famous in the book “In Cold Blood” are being exhumed.  I’m not kidding.

EDGE:  CHIEFS

TITANICS at PACKERS

That 17 yard punt that couldn’t seal the loss on Monday was something else.  Lights out in Lambeau, though.

EDGE: Titanics

FALCONS at LIONS

Hey, the Lions should bounce back after an embarrassing loss, right?  28 points to the Cards, right?  Have you watched this team?  Falcons keep it close, but then stomp the team that stopped listening to their coach 7 weeks ago.

EDGE:  LIONS

RAIDERS at PANTHERS

The Raiders are terrible on the road, and have been for 10 years.  They got to feel like a real team last week, beating this year’s punching bag, the Chiefs.  Raiders blocking schemes starting to click, running game improving.  It will be closer than expected, but they still lose.

EDGE: RRRRRRRRAIDERS!!

RAMS at BUCS

Wow, this one is hard to call.  The Bucs have turned it around and lost 4 straight, while the Lambs still have a shot at finishing with a winning record.  Good Grief!   Bucs lost 41-0 last week.

EDGE:  RAMS

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!!!

Doormat Division Week 15 Report

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS,  WEEK 15

AFC

KFC Chiefs   2-12      -172

Jacksonville   2-12      -164

Oakland        4-10       -139

Tennessee     4-9         -115

Buffalo          5-9        -96

NFC

Philly           4-10      -122

Detroit         4-10      -50

Arizona       5-9        -78

Carolina      5-9        -23

St. Louis     6-7-1     -57

It's weird, not seeing Cleveland there.  But, Buffalo is pulling out all the stops.

CLASH OF THE TITANICS!!

OAKLAND 15,  KFC 0

The only NFL team with fast-food chain colors serves up another bucket of the cheapest fare money can buy in the NFL.  Going up against the reeling and seemingly equally inept Oakland Raydurz, the KFC Cheaps show that it's NO CONTEST when it comes to whose the boss of the Basement.  

For nearly 3 quarters, it looked like KC might not even get a first down. 17 yards in the first half.  Then, after finally getting one with 5 minutes left in the 3rd, they go all crazy and wind up with 7.  I was really really hoping they'd top the Jets' league-leading 5 first downs in a game.   The Raydurz fail to convert a single red-zone opportunity, and live on the leg of Sebastian Janikowski, their #1 offensive weapon.  What a good team wouldn't give to have this guy's leg.  He hit a 57-yarder like it was a chip shot.  I think it might have been good from 70.   Straight down the field.  The only time we saw that all day.

The Cheaps, on the other hand, fail on 4th and short twice deep in Oakland territory.  Knowing that even just one touchdown might win this Stiff of the Week, they do the right thing...except on one end you have Brady Quinn throwing even less accurately than Matt Cassell, and then on the other the most rock-fingered receivers I've ever seen.  Add to that a center that just won't hike the stupid ball even when he's at the 3 yard line, the play clock is right in front of his face, and Quinn and is almost doing a Chiefs war-dance back there to get the flipping ball delivered, and it's all over.

Brady Quinn expertly throws another in the dirt.
Admire the trajectory.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK
Take your pick:

BUCCANEERS 0,  SAINTS 41

GIANTS 0,  FALCONS 43

BILLS 17,  SEAHAWKS 50

CHARGERS 7,  PANTHERS 31

 LIONS 10,  CARDINALS 38

JAGUARS 3,  DOLPHINS 24

It was a parade of losing big yesterday, with some teams working hard to get a last shot at glory in the Doormat.  Also, the lowest number of first downs paraded by on the field...7 (KFC),  10  (NYG),  12 (CHI, BAL, ARI,  SD), 13 (CLE, JAC).  

The Buffalo Nils run into the buzzsaw that is the Seattle Seahawks, losing huge again.  The Bootineers have given up on the moving upward thing, and now have a shot to go 6-10 and make the 10 club.  They just have to tank the next two.  

The LIONS do the real fan-killer:  getting blown out by a team with a nine-game losing streak who were coming off a 58-0 Doormat All-Star loss to Seattle.  The KITTENS are right there, at 4-10, and must lose the next two (Atlanta and Chicago) to have a shot at taking the NFC Doormat trophy.

This team is just amazing, and you gotta hand it to the Kat Box coaching staff.  Six straight losses.  But, the Eagles pulled off the loss to Detroit back in October (26-23 OT gem),  so they need the Eagles to win one game.   With Washington and NY Giants on their schedule, that's a tall order.  The Pheebles need a team to forfeit.  It all comes down to whether the Giants will be playing for their playoff lives in the last game of the season against the Pheebs, or if they are making golfing reservations in Florida.  If the latter, watch a tank job materialize, the Pheebs get handed a win, and the Lions get back where they belong- Champs of the Doormat NFC and playing for the Moldy Carpet trophy in February in Russia.

NFC PICTURE -  games remaining

LIONS- Atlanta, Chicago.  Chicago game not a gimme.  Lions need to lose by huge margins to win by point differential.  Pheebles are 72 points ahead.

EAGLES- Washington,  NY Giants.  

AFC PICTURE

JAGUARS-  the Gaguars are still tied with KFC for the AFC division lead, separated only by a mere 8-point differential.   The Gags did it almost exclusively with perfectly timed penalties yesterday,  10 for 88 yards, but just perfectly perfectly timed.  3rd and short?  Let's make that 3rd and 9.  Or 3rd and 25.    TWO GAMES TO GO!

The Chiefs play Indianapolis and Denver, so those are a lock.   The Jags have New England and Tennessee.  New England, coming off their loss to the Niners, may score 70.  But the Titanics are going to be trouble for the Gaguars.  That's not a gimme, and they could wind up 3-13 and out of the race.  But if they lose both, and lose HUGE to the Pats, they could take it based on point differential.

It's going down to the wire.

AAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

NFL Week 15 Doormat Predictions

Rachel Wray, KC Chiefs Cheerleader, takes up MMA boxing

 Rather than shake her pom pons for the KC Chiefs to win, cheerleader Rachel Ray has taken up MMA Boxing, winning her first match in a TKO in "The Cage." We guess it was just too boring to watch the Chiefs play and she decided to get into something where she can do the hitting. Sorry, Chiefs, for your loss.

And speaking of losing, it's time for this week's predictions. The Oracle really stumbled last week, going a miserable 6-4 in picks. That will teach me to predict with my heart. What was I thinking, Detroit win? Against the Pack? It was a beautifully engineered loss by the Kittens, I must say. But it was no match for the Crudinals. Wow. 58-0 against a mediocre team. That takes Doormat class.

And now for this week's predictions:

Cincinnati- 28
Philadelphia- 24

Washington- 17
Cleveland- 21

Minnesota- 14
St. Louis- 12

Jacksonville- 24
Miami- 27

Tampa Bay- 28
New Orleans- 24

Seattle- 33
Buffalo- 10

Detroit- 35
Arizona- 7

Carolina- 14
San Diego- 16

Kansas City- 17
Oakland- 10 (This is definitely the game of the week. A perfect matchup, and a lot on the line)

New York Jets- 17
Tennessee- 14

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

'scuse me, 'scuse me,  coming through,  'scuse me, watch out.....

Make WAY for the Arizona Cardinals, folks,  9 straight losses,  rocketing to the top of the Doormat NFC in a humongous loss, 58-0, to division rival Seattle.  8 whopping turnovers, clearly not to be outdone by the Steelers, the Cruds deliver the biggest Blow-Out of the year.  The Crudinals are suddenly at -106 in point differential and break the FOUR-WAY TIE for first in the NFC doormat.   WOW.   The Lambs, on the other hand, pull to .500 and are not allowed in the standings.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 14 STANDINGS

NFC

U. OF PHOENIX    4-9       -106
PHILADELPHIA      4-9      -101

CAROLINA            4-9       -47

DETROIT               4-9      -22

NEW ORLEANS      5-8      -31

AFC

KANSAS CITY      2-11      -157

JACKSONVILLE    2-11      -143

OAKLAND            3-10     -154

TENNESSEE         4-9       -115

MIAMI                 5-8         -36

BUFFALO            5-8        -63

In the AFC,  the Raydurz and the Titanics both make the 10 club, while the NFC still can't get a 10-loss team.  Next week, for sure.    The Cleveland Brownies exit the AFC standings with yet another win and get beaten out by Buffalo and Miami, who have worse point differential.    The Chiefs come back to reality this week, realizing they are on the road and Brady Quinn is starting for them.  I wonder if Quinn got a big hug from Chomps and a brownie at the bake sale for his grand return to where it all started.   I bet he brought back a lot of memories for the Cleveland faithful.

Despite the two game lead that both KC and Jacksonville have over any of the NFC teams,  you better believe that the Crudinals are almost a lock to lose the next three and finish 4-12.   They play Detroit, Chicago,  San Francisco.  Good luck, even if Detroit is 4-9.   Detroit scores points.  The Cruds don't.

Hard to believe, but the Cruds BEAT the Patriots back in week two,  20-18.

CRUDS final:  4-12

KC, on the other hand,  has Oakland, Indy and Denver.   The Raiders- this is their chance- if they have any hope of taking the Doormat crown they have to blow the game to the Chiefs, and no matter how professionally bad they have been playing, it's going to take inspiration to lose.   It's the biggest game in the Doormat this year.  This is it.  The loser has the inside track.   However, the Raydurz beat the Gaguars, so if it ends up a tie with Jacksonville, the nod goes to the Gags.   

CHEAPS FINAL:  2-14

The Raiders finish at Carolina and then at San Diego.   Good luck losing all three.

RAYDURZ final:  4-12

Jacksonville may not be getting the press, but week in, week out, these guys lose almost every time.  Next week is the toughest, at Miami.  They could slip up and win there.  But the last two are New England and Tennesee, and though the Titanics pose a problem, I'm confident the Gags can pocket that loss without too much fuss.  They still have a chance, but they need some help. 

GAGUARS final:  3-13

In the NFC, the Eagles can pull off three more losses (Bengals, Redskins, Giants) and finish in a tie with the Cardinals, but the Cruds have the tie-breaker, beating the Pheebles in Week 3.   So, they're screwed.   

EAGLES final:  4-12

Carolina has the hardest route,  facing San Diego, Oakland and New Orleans.  After snuffing the Falcons today they will most likely party until Thursday and lose to San Diego, but the Chargers pulled off an upset of their own, so whoever has the bigger hangover and the weaker coffee loses that one. But they will not pull off losing to the Raydurz.  Sorry, not a chance.

PANTHERS final:  6-10

THERE FORE,  the predicted finish is Kansas City in the AFC and Arizona in the NFC.   

AAAAAAAnd THATS THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

THE STREAK

What do These Teams Have in Common?

None of them have been to the playoffs in at least 5 years.    Who will continue the legacy?

Buffalo:  The Buffalo Nils, at 5-7, are mathematically still in the hunt.  Ever gone hunting mathematically?   Didn't think so.   The Nils are working a 12-year drought, the franchise record.  Can they maneuver safely to 13?   Last division title:  1995 (17 years).  Last Super Bowl Victory:  oh, c'mon.

Oakland Raiders:  After last night's embarrassment  before a national television audience (assuming someone was watching outside of Denver), the hitchhikers to LA are heading for their 11th straight season off the radar.   Their last playoff game was Super Bowl XXXVII, the Chucky Beat-Down Revenge Stuff It Al Game.   A 48-21 drubbing from Tampa Bay that put the Chucky Hex on, which continues to this day.   11 dry years also franchise record.  Last Division Title:  2002 (10)

By the way,  5 (soon to be six) of the Broncos victories are from AFC West teams.  Without their own hopeless division, the Chargers would be 1-12.  The Chiefs, on the other hand,  have beaten only NFC teams.  They need to move.

Cleveland:  The Brownies, still remotely in the playoff picture,  are working the 9-year drought, and that's their franchise record, too.  And to think 9 years only gets them in 3rd here.  Last Division Title: 1989 (20- does not include the 'doormant' years.)  That's doormant, not doormat.  Last Super Bowel appearance-  NEVER.  

St. Louis:   The Lambs stand at 7, which is not their all-time record disappearing act (11).  They are also still faintly glimmering in the playoff light, fresh off the huge upset of the 49ers, which didn't seem at all like an upset after the tie last month.  The Lambs have a legitimate shot to make the playoffs...if they somehow sign 3 new offensive linemen who can pass block.  This is the best bad team in the league, right now.   Last Division Title:  2003 (8)

Jacksonville:  Has it really only been 5 years?  I bet in Gaguar Country, it seems like 100.   

In addition to this minor measure of football inconsequentialness (did I really write that?  I need to get a beer),  

NFL Week 14 Predictions: Paper Lions Cream Cheeseheads

That's right, folks. It's about time for the Detroit Kittens to win a game and it's just in time to screw up the Packers' road to the NFC North Crown (one of the smaller, more tarnished jewels in the NFL Universe). The Pack will win the North, but it won't be pretty.

And who is that sitting on the bench there? Number Zero? Of course, it's George Plimpton, the Paper Lion of 1964. The Oracle claims that is when all the Detroit woes and the hex began.

Allowing a journalist to put on a sacred NFL jersey and take the field as quarterback for five plays offended the Gods of the NFL up there in Valhalla or somewhere like that. I hear they drink a lot of wine made from honey there. Yech. What's wrong with a warm PBR and a hot dog? They have good hot dogs in Chicago at Soldier Field, especially the ones with cucumber and onions on them. MMMM.

Anyway, number 0 offended the NFL Gods and so they put a hex on Detroit that took effect on the last game of the 1964 season when the Cleveland Browns romped over the Lions to take the NFL Championship--the last season without a Super Bowl.

Since then the Lions, er, Kittens, have not been in a NFL Championship game, and according to the Oracle, they never will until George Plimpton officially apologies to the Gods, but we aren't sure if that is going to happen because he died in 2003. Sorry, George, great book, but bad for the Lions. Please find Valhalla up there and apologize!

Until then, the Kittens will continue to find the most spectacular ways to lose, no matter how good or bad they are.

But there is a bright moment on the horizon. This week they stagger into Green Bay to take on the Packers who are locked in 8-4 tie for the NFC North with the Chicago Care Bears. The Kittens will somehow find their mojo and will clock the Packers 35-21.

And now for the rest of the predictions:

Denver-28
Oakland-13

Dallas- 24
Cincinnati- 28

Kansas City- 14
Cleveland- 17

Tennessee- 14
Indianapolis- 28

Philadelphia- 28
Tampa Bay- 31

Atlanta- 28
Carolina- 17

NY Jets- 10
Jacksonville- 9

Arizona- 12
Seattle- 32

New Orleans- 33
NY Giants- 36

Detroit- 35
Green Bay- 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions!