THE DOORMAT DIVISION Weak VIII Preview!!

Giants in six.

Oracle From the Bssement Predictions Weak VIII

The Oracle From the Basement may not see far into the future, but he sees the Doormats of the NFL, the cellar dwellers of football, the basement denizens of the gridiron, bumbling their ways to these scores.
Gentlemen, post your predictions!

Deadskins- 21

Kittens- 12

Gagwires- 18 (eighteen?)
Cowpies- 17

Floppers- 28
Bungles- 10

Nils- 38
Cheeps- 21

Pansies- 12
Lambs- 16

Donkeys (they're mad!) 42
0-4-9ers- 7

TItanics- 24
Dolts- 10

Farvekings- 21
Patriots- 31

Seahags- 17
Raydurz- 0

Welcome to the Doormat!!

OK, I'm behind on the logos. Need a Dallas and an SF logo. Got the Dallas one here....drum roll please...Dear Dallas, we are proud to welcome you to the sticky naugahyde barstool and the smoke filled cellar lounge. Like the old carpet with the GB logo on it? Welcome, Cowpies, to the basement! Your doormat is waiting.ug

1-6, Romo is injured, ownership is in disarray, and you gave up 40 points in a game you should have won. NY tried to hand it to you, but they got bored and decided to play football in the second half.

The DOORMAT DIVISION Weak VII WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Raydurz 59, Donkeys 14

Wazza? The Raydurz? Not only is this the biggest blowout of the year, it’s the most points the Raydurz have ever scored, all-time. They could have gone for the Redskins’ 72, but they took the foot off the gas, or the Broncos necks, for the entire 4^th quarter. I don’t know why they did that, considering the intensity of this rivalry. Everything worked. Everything. It was 24-0 already when I stepped into my local ribs joint, ordered, looked up at the screen, and dropped my jaw. It was only the first quarter and the Raydurz were already at the Bronco 10 again!!! Raydurz-Broncos is one of the most fierce rivalries in the NFL, and this game, as Moose said, will not go down well in Bronco-land. Boy, did I ever not see this coming- I predicted the Raydurz wouldn’t get a first down until the 3^rd quarter- how about 508 yards of offense, 8 seconds between first two TDs, 8 TDs (team record), Jason Campbell 127.9 passer rating (last week vs. Niners: 10.7), 328 yards rushing! It was the Broncos who couldn’t get a first down. 3-and-out or turnover on 10 of first 13 possessions. Somebody get the Donkeys a seat in the Moldy Carpet Lounge! These guys are going Doormat right now. Al Davis must have felt like a kid again yesterday. Raydurz have emerged from the basement into the very bright light of hope, at least for a day.

STIFF OF THE WEAK

Pansies 23, 0-for-9ers 20

We don’t have a true stiff this week, and one could argue that Skins-Bears was a DOG, or the Bums-Lambs game, or even Steelers-Dolphins. All of these games featured special bumbling tactics, but the Niners bring this one home because:

They lost to prevent winning two in a row; they lost to the last winless team in the NFC; they gave up 303 yards passing to a team with the WORST passing offense in the entire NFL; Niner QB Alex Smith left the game with a goiter…no, wait, a shoulder injury, and even though David Carr did the whole training camp and has 5 years NFL starting QB experience- albeit being a bust- the Niners go EIGHTEEN straight plays without throwing a pass. Now, that’s what I call SHUTDOWN offense. That’s playing like a stiff. Pansies get off the snide, leaving only the Nils as a team with a perfect record.

WANNA GET AWAY?

I bet the 0-fer9ers and the Donkeys wanna get away, and they get to- It’s the DOORMAT DIVISION on tour!!! Broncos-Niners at London’s Wembley Stadium this week! The team reeling from the worst beat-down of the year against the team that does not have a clue with a coach who actually said “I believe we’re still going to make the playoffs.” The only reason he can say that is the entire NFC West is mediocrity on parade. Or maybe he’s going to get fired and hook up as a Gatorade re-fill dude for the Falcons.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Actually, a lot of our brethren played pretty good this week. Also the weird stat of the week is: the majority of teams that won had less first downs than their opponent. That means some big plays, and some exciting defense…or just more bumbling fumblers stumbling their way around the field. You decide.

Nils 34 , Ravens 37 (OT)

Valiant effort- QB Fitzpatrick starting to click. 506 yards of offense! This one had to really hurt in Nilstown. When are they going to play this good again? Nils 0-7, but they won’t o-fer. Unless they do.

Brownies 30, Saints 17

Next to the Raydurz, the shocker of the week- except that the Saints have what seems like an all-doormat schedule and are NOT winning very many of the games.

Eric Mangini saves his bacon, or his team did. Two interception returns for TDs by antique linebacker David Bowens makes the difference. Brownies get only 12 first downs, but win the game. Woo-hoo! Let’s hear some boos from that Saints crowd.

Cheaps 42, Gaguars 20

Okay, the Gaguars really are bad, because the Cheaps aren’t THAT good. But, my beloved Cheaps (well, I want to dump them actually and take another team in this crazy fantasy league) keep inexplicably winning games, so they’re outa this league. You can’t lead a division and be a Doormat. It’s just not done. The Gags, on the other hand, are descending very very rapidly.

TampaBums 18, Lambs 17

Here’s another couple of teams cursed with too many victories, but at least the Lambs are 3-4. The Bums tried to play the whole game without scoring a TD, but fail at the last second as the Lambs snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Nice to know the Lambs still have some of that old Cellar moxie.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points- 10 Cardinals

First Downs 12 Brownies

Yards 179 Pats

Rushing 38 Saints

Passing 85 Brownies

Turnovers 6 Careless Bears

Penalties 12/92 Tampa Bums

Time of Pss 21:21 Broncos

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAND that’s the view from the BASEMENT!

What Makes a Doormat?

Go the entire first half without a first down.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK VII PREVIEW

And now..(drumroll, please)….The BIGGEST DOORMAT game of the year!

San Francisco 0-for-9ers @ the Carolina Pansies !

Will the 0-for-Niners bow to the Pansies?

Though the 0-for-9ers (1-5) actually won a game last week, somewhat spoiling the build-up, this is still THE match-up between the two bumblingest teams in the league, the Buffalo Nils not withstanding. Why? Way more turnovers. These two teams put the ball on the turf or lay into enemy hands with startling regularity. They are #1 and #2 in turnovers. Nobody else is even close. Way more penalties. The Niners set the league high for the season last week- 13 for 143 yards!! That’s more yards going backwards than they got going forwards in the rushing game!!! And they WON. Tells you something about their competition, the Raydurz.

Other than lowlight reels, I haven’t had the pleasure of viewing an entire Pansy tilt, but tomorrow changes all that, so here in the Basement we’ll know so much more come sundown. The Pansies (0-5) are still Unvictorious, and it’s going to take some major Doormat plays to keep their record intact and stay even with the Nils, who as we all know are going for the 0-fer on the season. Can it be that just two seasons later we could have another 0-16 team? It boggles the mind, like Yankee baseball strategy.

Prediction- TOO CLOSE TO CALL!!!!

Nils @ Ravens

Buffalo Bills management petitioned the league offices this week for ANOTHER bye week, but instead they gotta play the Ravens, a week after Baltimore blew the game against the Pats last week. Nils still don’t make a ton of mistakes like other doormat teams….they just don’t do anything at all. It’s lights out in Baltimore.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Brownie-bake-sale @ Saints

Saints appear to have figured out how to that scoring thing again, and here come the Brownies!! Look Out ! Duck! Cleveland coach Eric Mangini has managed to take a team that won it’s last 4 games of 2009 and brought them right back to strong cellar competition at 1-5. Still, thanks to those 4 wins, they are getting no respect in the Basement. This game should put them firmly back in the Basement firmament as true Gods of Godawful. Mangini gets fired after this one. Maybe they let him get to Weak VIII, just to have that ‘halftime’ feel.

Lambs @ TampaBums

Ok, the Bums still don’t have losing record, but I’m confident they will make it under .500 before the season is over. Lambs WIN.

Raydurz @ Broncos

Here’s another old AFL West match-up that you can’t entirely predict…except that the Raydurz are gonna get killed. Bruce (ow my shoulder) Gradkowski is hurt more often than he is inspiring, so Raydur QB Jason Campbell gets to show why he was run out of Washington on a rail- he can’t make a decision, and he doesn’t get any time to do it anyway. 3 more Seabass FGs and a defensive TD on an INT. Broncos BLOW OUT the Raydurz. Prediction- Raydurz do not get first down until second half.

Gaguars @ Cheaps

I’d love to see my Cheaps keep on losing, but after viewing that Gaguar Monday night debacle, I don’t have much hope. Cripes the Cheaps will still be in first in the AFC West. That’s just craaaaaazy! Cellar ball becomes a Division leader! It’s taking over the NFL!!!!

You know, somebody needs to start doing the Oregon Duck offense in the NFL. It makes one wonder about these hapless teams with no imagination. There’s gotta be something better.

And finally, with great Razzberrys from all the people who had to listen, and a stale beer and a bowl of pretzels saved from when your team last won a meaningful game, WELCOME TO THE DOORMAT DIVISION, DALLAS COWS. You will not win against the Giants on Monday night.

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAND that’s the view from the Basement!!!

Blowout of the Week

Gags 3 Titanics 30

The Jacksonville Gaguars...you have to wait for them before writing anything in stone. Here I was thinking that TampaBums 6, Saints 31 was it, but then last night.....WHOO BOY. The Gaguars turn in a paper-bag-over-the-head game, just when they'd gotten their fans hopes up with some smoke and mirrors victories. By the third quarter the stadium was nearly empty, so I guess the populace went somewhere else for hope. You know, all that teal/ green looks really lonely somehow. Some of the shots of fans dismay at coach Del Rio's decision- with first and goal- to keep running the ball right up the middle with the clock running down, but with still a shred of hope of coming back.....priceless. Even better was when he finally called a pass play, QB Trent Edwards comes up with the end zone INT (though it WAS a helluva steal). Gimmee the ball, coach, I'll handle this.

And why punt when you can just turn the ball over? 4 TOs to 3 Punts. That's an amazing Doormat stat. More turnovers than punts, plus a failed 4th and inches. You had to watch this to really see the embarrassment level. Gives new meaning to Red Zone. Paper Bag game on a Monday night.

The Raydurz Feelings about the O-for-Niners

It's all  good fun in the Bay Area......

Doormat Division Traffic Update

That's right, Doormat fans, our traffic is expanding. We have visits this weak from Poland. Slovenia, and Israel.

Ooont, greent.

THE DOORMAT DIVISION DIVISION Weak VI WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

Niners couldn't lose this one!

The Doormat Division Weak VI Wrap-Up and Disposal-

It all comes down to this…how can you tell your team is really a Doormat, or just mediocre? Here at the Doormat Division we have many yardsticks, most of them broken and strewn about the garage, underneath the old tires and the tin cans full of rusty bolts and nails, but they still do the job. Wackoworld welcomes suggestions from the league on their yardsticks, too.

Yardstick #1- Never win two in a row.

Yardstick #2- If the other team adjusts to whatever you were doing that worked- if something worked- don’t adjust to them, just keep banging your head against the wall long after it was effective. Because it’s the only play you’ve GOT.

Yardstick #3- Run the Brownie Bomb at least 4 times a game: this is the ‘long hand-off’ screen pass to your wideout about 3 yards behind the line of scrimmage that never works and usually results in a loss, a ball that skips out of bounds or just rockets over the entire bench on the sideline. This is a sure sign you’ve given up on having a real offense.

Yardstick #4- go 1 or 2 quarters every game where you don’t complete a pass.

Yardstick #5- go backwards on three straight plays twice in a game. sack, penalty, penalty after play was over, ball snapped over head, missed blocking assignment…U-pick.

Yardstick #6- Your team gets penalized on two straight punt attempts, and you end up punting 3 times, and the final punt is a shank, or is returned for a touchdown.

Yardstick #7- you never capitalize on a turnover. Ever.

Yardstick #8- you have trouble scoring in the red zone, sure, but you never get a touchdown from OUTSIDE the red zone.

I’m sure if I dig around the garage, I can find a few more, but it’s on to the results:

0-for-Niners 17, Raydurz 9

This was the marquee game of the week, and it didn’t disappoint. Alex Smith did NOT commit a turnover, though there were multiple missed opportunities off tipped passes, the Smith trademark. He still stunk out the first half, and Candlestink park was rocking with back-up David Carr’s name. Remember, this is the guy who was a major bust for 5 years in Houston. Gotta love it. But, Raydur QB Jason Campbell went 2 quarters (see above) without completing a pass, and the only Raydur play (see above)- pass over the middle to Zach Miller- was taken away, and they didn’t have another play, so 3 Seabass field goals takes care of Raydur Nation scoring for the day. The Niners finally scored a touchdown from outside the red zone (see above) for the first time this year, and Frank Gore got his rumble going, and the Raydurz had nothing to respond with, except some fake skulls and crossbones and guerrilla masks (??). Niners no longer among the un-victorious elite. Such as shame, since the Pansies are up next.

Pansies 0, Nils 0

Okay, this game didn’t happen, but since our two Perfect teams both had the week off, I had to do something. This week’s lows just aren’t going to be the same.

Cheeps 31, Texans 35

Cheeps are getting too many yards and points, but they ARE losing, now, at least. Jury is out on these guys.

Cows 21, Vikes 24

Cows may ultimately be Doormat pretenders, but wow let’s get them in there NOW, while the getting is good. They are doing it with killer penalties and interceptions, regularly out-gaining their opponents, such as the punchless Vikes, who really tried to hand this game to the Cows, but Cows don’t have hands. Moo.

Lambs 20, Bolts 17


This is pretty stunning. Maybe these ladies are the reason they are winning.



I am in stun mode. Set your Strat-o-matic to high, and knock over the entire team with one big buzz. Bolts not as good as the Lambs. Period. Break out the banquet beer in St. Louis. Oh, wait that’s Coors.

Brownies 10 Steelers 28

Brownies start Colt McCoy, and that’s the news. Wonder how many Brownie Bombs they ran?

Kittens 20 Giants 28

Detroit could be 3-3. But they’re NOT. 5 fumbles (lost two), 1 interception, 11 penalties, a real BUMBLEFEST out there at the Meadowlands, or whatever it’s called nowadays. Why punt when you can just BOOT the ball?

Everybody else that’s supposed to be in the Cellar has a winning record, and that’s just wrong, so I’m not writing about them. However, one must keep their eye on the Bears, who may never win another game, and the TampaBums, who don’t score.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 6 TampaBums

First Downs: 10 Raydurz

Total yards: 179 Raydurz

Passing: 69 Raydurz

Rushing: 42 TampaBums

Total punts: 18 Seahags-Bears (this game must have stunk)

Penalties: 11-143 Niners (this year’s high!)

Turnovers: 3 Brownies, Jets, Kittens

aaaaaAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!

Oracle from the Basement Predictions Weak VII

The Oracle from the Basement did not speak this weak. He was on a pilgrimage to Mt.Washington, the windiest place in the North American continent, to commune with the dead spirits of football. To reconnect with the leather-helmeted, real men types who played football without domes, covers, carpet, replay, or megabuck salaries. Just really sociopathic men slugging it out in the dirt with minimal pads. Among these Gods of football, the Oracle gained new powers of prediction....

OK, that's a lot of BS. I was watching baseball playoffs.

And without prediction, Weak VI rolled by with a raft of upsets and reality checks:

-- Cheeps are no longer unbeaten.

-- O-for-Niners are no longer without a win.
-- Cowgirls are true doormat material. Wow, they really suck. I love it.
-- Lambs win again! And the Bolts are wiping their feet on the doormat and about to knock to come in.
--Seahawks serve a realityy sandwich to the Care Bears, but they are now a team without an identity. Are they losers, winners or just manic/depressive?


And Now for the Weak VII Predictions!


Lambs- 12
TB Bums- 21

O-for-Niners- 14
Pansies- 10 (This could be the the game of the weak!)

Nils- 10
Colts- 54

Gaguars- 24
Cheeps- 12 (KC finally gets on track)

Brownies- 21
Saints- 45

Ordinals- 29
Seahags- 18

Raydurz- 9
Broncos- 24

Lambs in Danger of Losing Doormat Status

Lambs shock Bolts 20-17! The Doormat Division will definitely have a new champ this year! Doug, take back the Bums! (I think Weak VIII is the limit)

Weak VI Fun Facts!

When I search for The Doormat Division on Google now, we come up first. None of those places that sell doormats. Google knows what's what.

GAME OF THE WEAK

Raydurz at O-for-Niners

It's bragging rights for whose franchise is more hopeless in the Bay Area, and the Niners are giving the Silver and Blacked out all they can handle- and more. Alex Smith's job is on the line. Mike Singletary's job is on the line. So? Smith will get benched at half-time. Raydurz blitz all day- and win.

Around the league:

Colt McCoy will start for the Brownies against the Steelers, with Ben R. returning from Jerk in Limbo. Steelers pummel Brownies. Good QB name there, though, Colt.

Cows @ Vikes (Bumbler's Bowl): one of these teams is going to be 1-4 after this, and a member of the Doormat.C'mon COWS. Although, for some reason, I'd really like to see Brett F just continue to go down in a slide of bad decisions. This time it's 4 interceptions, courtesy of a sore elbow and a Randy Moss that already has gotten bored.

Seattle @ Chicago: Pansies and Bungles are off this week, so the Hags and the Carebears gotta pick up the slack for Stiff of the Week. Bears worst 4-1 team in football. Cheeps are worst 3-1 team. HAGS lose.

Kittens @ Giants: Kittens high-scoring offense (did I really just write that?) meets reality with Giants brick wall. Giants still totally shaky on offense. Kittens lose.

San Diego @ St. Louis- I see 7 interceptions.

Cheeps @ Texans- could be a hideous game. Bring extra reasons to walk around stadium.

Has anybody noticed that the Atlanta Falcons are the best team in the NFC?

The DOORMAT DIVISION DIVISION Weak V WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK V WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL!!!

WOW!! Wow!! What a Weekend!! Can I get some applause for our division?

Can I? Where to start???

I know: How about we make a collage of every low trajectory throw by the 0-for-Niner’s Alex Smith that gets tipped or blocked, thus killing TANTALIZINGLY close come backs? I bet we can get that on two DVDs, if we edit it down to just the throws, and not show the runbacks. Good GRIEF! Would somebody wise up over there in 49er land? Will they? What is this- year FIVE of the Alex Smith “Era?” Is Brady Quinn available? Smith- two inches too short, and two feet too low on almost every throw. Not an NFL QB- OK?

Philadelphia 27, 0-for-Niners 24. Sounds close and well played doesn’t it? Well, it was, for those guys, except- Smith has Gore in the flat for what looks like a 50 yard romp to win the game, but…Alex throws just low enough, and the ball gets tipped. Then he just throws a lame duck into the wind and an Eagle’s arms, and that’s it.

But who to fire? Singleminde- I mean, Singletary, or Smith, or just the whole ridiculous franchise?? I say rip up the flooring and clean out the mold and stink and mud and dig down a couple feet and then pour a new concrete subfloor and improve the drain- oh, wait that’s the ecological disaster I just discovered under my studio. There’s no GOLD under my studio, and there’s no GOLD in 49er land. They’re just good enough to almost win. Ball Game! 0-5! But the 0-for –Niners are NOT in first. No…..

How about these Carolina Pansies? These guys are not the 49ers, and I’m pretty sure the Niners will get their first win against these guys. These guys are incredible.

BEARS 23, Pansies 6 (STIFF OF THE WEAK)

This game meets the Stiff Standards, easy.

Some Pansy stats that just stand out like Gleaming Spires of Pulchritude (whatever that means): no TD. 8 first downs (Bears 13). 9 punts. [The Bears only punted 6 times, but made up for it by doing the Mike Martz Punt- 4 interceptions. ]

7 total interceptions. 4 Carolina fumbles (though they lost none, you almost look worse this way, just bumbling). That’s 22 times the ball changed hands. Think about that.

Average yards per pass- 1.9 (the Bears clocked in at 1.5- that’s a Martz offense, boys).

Pansy yards: 147- and 88 of those came on FIVE plays. They had 62 total plays. Holy crap. This is the kind of game, should you be a fan in the stadium, where you get up to go to the bathroom, and you are relieved to see that the line is long. Then you go find the longest beer line. You’re gone for a whole quarter. Maybe the whole game.

73,000 people witnessed this debacle of epic proportions. Let’s send them all a wreath of condolences. Pansies are #1. 0-5!!

KITTENS 44, Lambs 6 (BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK)

It just gets better doesn’t it? The Kittens bring the Lambs crashing back to earth in last year’s NFC championship rematch and Detroit gets the crowbar out of the trunk of the ’71 Dodge Fury and just clocks the Lambs and tosses them into Lake Michigan, or whatever lake they are next to. Some classic Lambs maneuvers (maneuverboard!):

Lambs kick a field goal and on ensuing kick-off give up 105 yard TD return.

Lambs kick another field goal, with 1:37 left in the half, bringing them to an almost respectable 17-6 hailing distance score, but then let the Lions romp down the field and score a TD with 00:10 on the clock. But it was OK, because it got half the team right by the locker room doors, so they didn’t have to walk all the way across the field, thus getting more time in the locker room. Do they get to eat at half-time? Kittens 1-4 !! Lambs still cellar gold. They aren’t done yet.

The REST of the Sorry Pile:

Tampa Bay is officially out of the league, and DTRocks takes the SeaHags as his team.

Brownies 10, Atlanta 20

Jake Delhomme got into the game for the Brownies and promptly threw 2 INTs.

I hope he’s still got that incredulous expression he sports for those.

Cheeps 9, Indy 19

Whew! I couldn’t have handled 5-0. That would have been just very very wrong.

This was a one-TD game.

Gaguars 36, Nils 26

And All-Doormat game (though I’m sorry, Walkfish, the Gags are now 3-2).

The Nils clear 300 yards total, and looked like a team that plays football today.

No turnovers….QB got a 121 rating. Weird.

And last, but certainly not least, the RAYDURZ win again!!

Raydurz 35, Chargers 27

Check out the first 3 Raydur scores: safety, 50 yard field goal, 5 yard return of blocked punt. And the final Raydur score- 64 yard fumble return. I just love Charger-Raydur games. Too bad this was Blacked Out. It sounds like an old-fashioned AFL lulu.

I’m not doing this week’s lows yet, because I only do that with the paper where I can SEE all the stats at once. Computers suck for that. So, I’m just going to say that the Pansies led in all categories, because it was probably damn close. It was them or the Bears.

O-for-Niners Fall Short Again

It's hard to believe the O-for-Niners are winless, but they are 0-5. The only good news for these guys is that their schedule is weak enough they surely will win at least one game this year.

Lambs may have to help the 0-for-Niners into the end zone if San Francisco hopes to  win any games this season.

They have the Pansies next week, their best shot at a win all season, then the TB Bums, and two games each with the Lambs and Cards, then a "sure" win against the Seahags, who should be in full "I give up" mode by game 8, and also a promising match up with the Raydurz.

Doormats Stun Faithful

Chargers Stiffed The Rams...wait, no they didn't, the Raydurz whacked them!

In what may be remembered as a keystone weekend, several denizens of the Doormat Division got up off the mat today and played some real football, except for the Cheeps, who finally got a whiff of the moldy carpet.

Though the Cheeps still nearly toppled the Colts.

And the Kittens showed strong offense again and trounced the Lambs. Kittens may win several more games if the offense keeps clicking...could the long ride in the cellar be ending?

And how about those Raydurz? Or is it the Bolts who we should be noticing. They are smelling a little moldy these days.

Now, this Raiders photo is more like it. Take that, Bolts, and welcome to the Doormat.

Bums win too. What's going on here?

Will O-for-Niners win tonight? It's upset weekend.

Except for the Pansies. If O's win Pansies are the only perfect team, now.

Field Goal Fiesta

Colts and Cheeps having a field goal fest today. Is a doormat disaster at hand? Is the worst 3-0 team in history about to beat the mighty Colts? The same Colts that blew a Superbowl to the Aint's last year?

Hyperbole, That's a Big Word

ESPN actually said in the Lambs, Kittens preview that the Lambs were in the hunt for a division title. You kidding me? Reminds me of Harry Kari saying the, "Cubs come home to Wrigley riding the crest of a 2-game winning streak."

Oracle from the Basement Predictions Weak V

Game of the Weak: Lambs vs Kittens. Go you bag-heads!

DETROIT-- It's Weak V and the Oracle from the Basement has spun the still-unopened #4 Henry's bottle to determine this weak's predictions:

Gaguars- 42
Nils- 10

[STIFF OF THE WEAK]
TB Bums- 14
Bungles- 3

Falcons- 35
Brownies- 28

[GAME OF THE WEAK!]
Lambs- 17
Kittens- 24

Cheeps- 10
Colts- 45
(It's smell the coffee time for the Cheeps)

DaBears- 14
Pansies- 10

Bolts- 28
Raydurz- 14

Eagles- 28
O-for-Niners- 9

Steelers- 21
Seahags- 0

What are your predictions.

The Weary Road Ahead

Things are tough all over. Especially last night's steak. Let's take a wee peak at some of our biggest losers upcoming games, and some of the blockbusters that are Must Don't See.

O-for-Niners

Niners don't play a good team for the rest of the year, except this week against Philly. After that, check out this cream puff schedule:

Oakland @ SF

Pansies (HUGE GAME)

Broncos @ London. That's right, rickety old Wembly stadium gets an ultra-dog game. Take that soccer, we can put up boring just as good as YOU.

Lambs @ SF Lambs will be favored. good grief.

TB Bums @ SF

Cardinals

Green Bay (wow a real team, look out!)

then it's Hags, Bolts (another real team), Lambs, Cards. Jesus break up that NFC west.

So, my Niners are in serious danger of a winning a game or two. It can't be avoided.

KITTENS

Lambs @ Kitties Holy Cow! it's the NFC championship rematch!! Humongous game. huge.

NYG Giants can play terrible. I just saw it. they have D, though.

Deadskins @ Kitties

Jets @ Kitties

and then, if all goes well,

Detroit Kittens at Buffalo Nils Nov. 14th. Could be the Game of the Year

Pansies

Bears @ Pansies Bears down to 3rd string QB. If this isn't Stiff of the Week, I don't know what is.

Niners @ Pansies Here it is again! Huge! Ginormous!! Bloated beached whale!

LAMBS Another blockbuster! 3 in a row!!!!

Saints @ Pansies Saints have an all-doormat schedule.

Pansies clearly in danger of winning a game with a schedule like that, whoo-boy.

NILS

Does it matter who they play next? I didn't think so.

Nils website has blog called "keeping up with the Bills." That's like following the garbage truck in your car as a way to get to work quickly.

Gaguars @ Nils Massive Doormat game. I take that back about Stiff of the Week for Pansies- Bears.

Ravens ow!

Cheaps Cheaps get lucky AGAIN.

Bears @ Nils another awful game, setting a record here.

Kittens @ Nils Like I said, Game of the Year, to date.

Bungles Bungles always up for a poorly played game. cue the rain.

Nils then take on a lot of good teams, like the Browns, for instance.

Man, it's going to be hard to maintain un-Victorious, but somebody's got to do it. I'm going with the Nils.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK IV WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK IV WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

I took the day off from losing, and rode the street-car down to the waterfront and caught the Giants nailing down the NL West in style, shutting down the San Diego Friars 3-0. Basking in the reflected glory and general goodwill of a winning season gives just all the more contrast, and perspective, to Early Onset Lost Season. Though mediocrity is spread very evenly this year so far, we’ve got Lost Season established in four major American cities.

And Here are Your Four Un-Victorious Teams!!

San Francisco 0-for-Niners (0-4) lost to Atlanta 16-14

Losing on a last second FG after fumbling the game-saving interception is perfect Doormat ball. Their only salvation is they are in the NFL’s own Doormat Division, the NFC west, which is being led by the St. Louis Lambs, for cryin’ out loud, who won their first back-to-back games for the first time in MORE than two seasons. The Seahags are already sinking, ready to fill the void the Lambs have left, except….the NINERS are already there!! Ha! Actually, the Cardinals are listed as being in 1^st, because they are 1-0 in the division, but the Lambs are the only one with a positive PF-PA (77-52) so they get nod here in the Basement. We know what’s what.

Carolina Pansies (0-4) loss: NO 16, Pansies 14

They were actually ahead in this one, just like the Niners, and, just like the Niners, lost on a FG in the 4^th quarter (John Carney, oldest surviving football player). Saints are not world beaters right now, they may not even be egg beaters, but they are Doormat Beaters..just. Pansies somehow scored two TDs, first time this season, and got 10 first downs, also a rarity. It’s time to give up in Carolina.

Detroit Kittens (0-4) loss: 28-24 to Packers

QB Sean Hill keeps them close, and also keeps throwing killer interceptions. You can’t come from behind and win by kicking 4 FGs. At some point, you have to get across the goal-line.

Buffalo Nils (0-4) loss: 38-14 to Jets

Bills defense isn’t good anymore, like last year. Now, they are bad on both sides of the ball. It’s a landslide of a slippery slope over there by Lake Erie, and the toxic stench STARTS at Nils headquarters. This is far and away the odds-on favorite to take the Moldy Carpet. 9 punts, 12 first downs, and only 19:30 of possession- they did their part to put up a stiff, but the Jets had other plans.

Last team to make the playoffs after starting 0-4? The 1992 San Diego Chargers.

None of these clowns are going to do that. Kittens only team I predict will actually win 2 in a row at some point.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Lambs 20, SeaHags 3

Lambs WIN! TWO IN A ROW!!!!!!

Sam Bradford has them believing, and it worked for another week. This was our only All-Division game this week, and the Hags stepped up and took the loss from the reigning Champion, so we know what’s on their minds.

STIFF OF THE WEEK!!

Giants 17 Care-Bears 3

Though the Giants eventually righted themselves in the second half, the first half was as dismal a football game as two team can produce on prime-time, where the entire league can watch. Why they would want to, I don’t know. Sacks! Fumbles! Busted plays! Bear QB Jay Cutler goes down 9 times in first half, finally snagging a concussion so he could leave the game, and the Bears go on to do absolutely nothing for the whole game. 6 First downs, 110 total yards (and if their 3^rd string QB hadn’t completed some late passes, they could have kept it under 80 yards!!), 2 yards per pass attempt. Giants fumble it away three times.

Care-Bears are exposed, but 3 of their next 4 games are Doormat teams, so they could STILL look like a winner by mid-season.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Chargers 41 Cardinals 10

Cardinals come in right behind DaBears with 10 first downs, 9 sacks, and 124 total yards, while giving up 419. Now that’s LOSING.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Browns 23 Bengals 20. The Brownies call off the Bake Sale to pull the Bungles down into the cellar with them. Smell that mold! Smell it!! Actually, this looks like it was a pretty fun game. Brownies off the snide! Snide field Nine Miles Wide. Mangini does not get fired.

Gaguars 31 Colts 28 Gaguars blow it again by…wait, what’s that? They WON? Not only that, they got 4 TDs, no turnovers, only 4 punts. Don’t look now, but they are EVEN with Indy in the AFC south.

Raydurz 24 Texans 31

The Raydurz defense had no idea what play the Texans were going to run. The linebackers got run over all game. Bruce Gradkowski somehow kept the game close, and for the first time the Raiders committed less than 10 penalties (only 2). Didn’t matter.

The Silver and Blacked Out played before the smallest home crowd of the year, and boy isn’t that Blackout policy helping put butts in the seats? The Raydurz already put their butts on the ground all game long. Let’s put a cooler out at the 50 yard line, so they can at least have a beer whenever they pass by.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 3 Seahags, Bears

First downs: 6 Bears

Total yards: 110 Bears

Rushing: 19 Broncos

Passing: 51 Bears

Sacked: 9 Bears Cardinals

Turnovers: 3 O-for-9ers, Bears, Cardinals

Penalties: 13 for 102 Kittens. Tennessee had 10 for 111, too. And it probably killed them.

Time of Possession: 19:30 NILS

Anti-Semantics

The view for the O-for-Niners for most of the day.

The Niners are SO lucky the Giants are in a wild race in baseball. Nobody's noticing the rats running out of the mining shaft. It's not a Gold Rush, it's a Gold Exodus. Cue the orchestra and Paul Newman!

The third 49er to just pack up and leave the team ditched yesterday- this time it's starting strong safety Michael Lewis, whose agent said there were just too many mixed messages (such as, we're going to work in somebody else and bench you) and their dignity and sense of decency were sorely affected. Ok I made up that last part.

But so what? When a veteran with a 1-year contract just goes "that's enough of this shite" you know there's plenty of guys that would like to be somewhere else. Maybe even Buffalo.

Lewis' agent: "people say Mike Singletary is a player's coach....good luck with that."

Oh! ow!! Now, coach Singletary IS a player's coach, because there isn't any other kind, but that's just semantics. Perhaps it was an anti-semantic statement. But we've often heard Coach Mike say "I don't want to get into Semantics," so somebody should call the ACLU and sort this out.

We've also heard him say, way too many times, "this will be a good move going forward." What is he, Toyota? When you've got only 38 points in 3 games, 'good moves' and 'going forward' are notional concepts, at best.

The upshot, or downshot (aim for foot), is that a rookie and a journeyman will be playing strong safety tomorrow just in time for the Atlanta Falcons to start sending everybody long. And that's the kind of day it's going to be for the 49ers.....loooooooong.