NFL Week 17 Predictions: Doormat Final Four

Oops, wrong final four, but you get the idea, it's time for a slam dunk game to determine who is really the baddest of the bad, the beasts of bungling, the tornadoes of trippytoes, the chokers of chaos, etc.

And so it comes down to just four predictions that are even worth mentioning, and here they are:

Chicago- 26
Detroit- 28
Yes, the Kittens will get off the mat and win one and stay out of the Doormat Bowl. Actually, even if they lose, they are too far behind the Pheebles in differential stats to eek into the Doormat Bowl.

Phillies- 6
NY Giants- 50
Giants have to win, and when they have to they do, usually. Pheebles have to lose, and when they have to, they do. Pheebles go to the Doormat Bowl!

Kansas City- 3
Denver-48
The Cheeps put the nail in the coffin and punch their ticket to the Doormat Bowl.

Jacksonville- 24
Tennessee- 14
Gaguars stumble in game 16, win one against the formidable ineptitude of the Titanics, and stay out of the Doormat Bowl.

Oh, and one possibility is still out there...

Arizona- 32
San Francisco- 38
A shootout in SF and the Niners get into the playoffs and send Arizona into a tie with the Lions for next-to-worst in the NFC.

And the Oracle predicts at Pheebles-Cheeps Doormat Bowl!

Location, date and time to be announced later this week.

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 16 PREDICTIONS

AS THE TURKEY DOTH SPIN IN YON

 DANK AND DINGY BASEMENT

CHARGERS at JETS

 Mark Sanchez and Philip Rivers are neck and neck for the most total turnovers in the league.  It’s a Doormat Battle for the ages as these two teams try to salvage their doormat cred by making one last desperate heave towards 10 losses.  However, Greg McElroy will be under rump for the Nyets on Sunday, so that means Rivers may have the turnover lane all to himself, and Sanchez can do nothing but grab a clipboard and hope his 26 TOs will hold up.

EDGE to lose:  CHARGERS

REDSKINS at EAGLES

 Once again, local pundits are picking the PHEEBLES to win one.  Fat chance.  RGB III is back and that’s enough for us.  And even if he isn’t they still win.  The Eagles are terrible and played their last tough game last week.  It's Tee Time in the Pheebs locker room.

EDGE:  Eagles

PATRIOTS at JAGUARS

 Gaguars get to host Pats coming off first home loss since the Johnson administration.

EDGE to get BLOWN OUT:  JAGS

BILLS at DOLPHINS

Bills are the better turnover machine.   More stressed defense.  They’re getting their 10^th loss on Sunday.

EDGE:  BILLS

COLTS at CHIEFS

Though the Titans and the Jets played the Doormat Game of the Year last Monday ,  the Chiefs bring it every week like clockwork.  They have no quarterback.  Remember that.

Andrew Luck’s 25 turnovers are not enough, because the Chiefs will do nothing with the ball.  Nothing.   NOTHING.  Big news on the Chiefs news page is how the bodies of the two men executed for the 1959 killings that became famous in the book “In Cold Blood” are being exhumed.  I’m not kidding.

EDGE:  CHIEFS

TITANICS at PACKERS

That 17 yard punt that couldn’t seal the loss on Monday was something else.  Lights out in Lambeau, though.

EDGE: Titanics

FALCONS at LIONS

Hey, the Lions should bounce back after an embarrassing loss, right?  28 points to the Cards, right?  Have you watched this team?  Falcons keep it close, but then stomp the team that stopped listening to their coach 7 weeks ago.

EDGE:  LIONS

RAIDERS at PANTHERS

The Raiders are terrible on the road, and have been for 10 years.  They got to feel like a real team last week, beating this year’s punching bag, the Chiefs.  Raiders blocking schemes starting to click, running game improving.  It will be closer than expected, but they still lose.

EDGE: RRRRRRRRAIDERS!!

RAMS at BUCS

Wow, this one is hard to call.  The Bucs have turned it around and lost 4 straight, while the Lambs still have a shot at finishing with a winning record.  Good Grief!   Bucs lost 41-0 last week.

EDGE:  RAMS

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!!!

Doormat Division Week 15 Report

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS,  WEEK 15

AFC

KFC Chiefs   2-12      -172

Jacksonville   2-12      -164

Oakland        4-10       -139

Tennessee     4-9         -115

Buffalo          5-9        -96

NFC

Philly           4-10      -122

Detroit         4-10      -50

Arizona       5-9        -78

Carolina      5-9        -23

St. Louis     6-7-1     -57

It's weird, not seeing Cleveland there.  But, Buffalo is pulling out all the stops.

CLASH OF THE TITANICS!!

OAKLAND 15,  KFC 0

The only NFL team with fast-food chain colors serves up another bucket of the cheapest fare money can buy in the NFL.  Going up against the reeling and seemingly equally inept Oakland Raydurz, the KFC Cheaps show that it's NO CONTEST when it comes to whose the boss of the Basement.  

For nearly 3 quarters, it looked like KC might not even get a first down. 17 yards in the first half.  Then, after finally getting one with 5 minutes left in the 3rd, they go all crazy and wind up with 7.  I was really really hoping they'd top the Jets' league-leading 5 first downs in a game.   The Raydurz fail to convert a single red-zone opportunity, and live on the leg of Sebastian Janikowski, their #1 offensive weapon.  What a good team wouldn't give to have this guy's leg.  He hit a 57-yarder like it was a chip shot.  I think it might have been good from 70.   Straight down the field.  The only time we saw that all day.

The Cheaps, on the other hand, fail on 4th and short twice deep in Oakland territory.  Knowing that even just one touchdown might win this Stiff of the Week, they do the right thing...except on one end you have Brady Quinn throwing even less accurately than Matt Cassell, and then on the other the most rock-fingered receivers I've ever seen.  Add to that a center that just won't hike the stupid ball even when he's at the 3 yard line, the play clock is right in front of his face, and Quinn and is almost doing a Chiefs war-dance back there to get the flipping ball delivered, and it's all over.

Brady Quinn expertly throws another in the dirt.
Admire the trajectory.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK
Take your pick:

BUCCANEERS 0,  SAINTS 41

GIANTS 0,  FALCONS 43

BILLS 17,  SEAHAWKS 50

CHARGERS 7,  PANTHERS 31

 LIONS 10,  CARDINALS 38

JAGUARS 3,  DOLPHINS 24

It was a parade of losing big yesterday, with some teams working hard to get a last shot at glory in the Doormat.  Also, the lowest number of first downs paraded by on the field...7 (KFC),  10  (NYG),  12 (CHI, BAL, ARI,  SD), 13 (CLE, JAC).  

The Buffalo Nils run into the buzzsaw that is the Seattle Seahawks, losing huge again.  The Bootineers have given up on the moving upward thing, and now have a shot to go 6-10 and make the 10 club.  They just have to tank the next two.  

The LIONS do the real fan-killer:  getting blown out by a team with a nine-game losing streak who were coming off a 58-0 Doormat All-Star loss to Seattle.  The KITTENS are right there, at 4-10, and must lose the next two (Atlanta and Chicago) to have a shot at taking the NFC Doormat trophy.

This team is just amazing, and you gotta hand it to the Kat Box coaching staff.  Six straight losses.  But, the Eagles pulled off the loss to Detroit back in October (26-23 OT gem),  so they need the Eagles to win one game.   With Washington and NY Giants on their schedule, that's a tall order.  The Pheebles need a team to forfeit.  It all comes down to whether the Giants will be playing for their playoff lives in the last game of the season against the Pheebs, or if they are making golfing reservations in Florida.  If the latter, watch a tank job materialize, the Pheebs get handed a win, and the Lions get back where they belong- Champs of the Doormat NFC and playing for the Moldy Carpet trophy in February in Russia.

NFC PICTURE -  games remaining

LIONS- Atlanta, Chicago.  Chicago game not a gimme.  Lions need to lose by huge margins to win by point differential.  Pheebles are 72 points ahead.

EAGLES- Washington,  NY Giants.  

AFC PICTURE

JAGUARS-  the Gaguars are still tied with KFC for the AFC division lead, separated only by a mere 8-point differential.   The Gags did it almost exclusively with perfectly timed penalties yesterday,  10 for 88 yards, but just perfectly perfectly timed.  3rd and short?  Let's make that 3rd and 9.  Or 3rd and 25.    TWO GAMES TO GO!

The Chiefs play Indianapolis and Denver, so those are a lock.   The Jags have New England and Tennessee.  New England, coming off their loss to the Niners, may score 70.  But the Titanics are going to be trouble for the Gaguars.  That's not a gimme, and they could wind up 3-13 and out of the race.  But if they lose both, and lose HUGE to the Pats, they could take it based on point differential.

It's going down to the wire.

AAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

NFL Week 15 Doormat Predictions

Rachel Wray, KC Chiefs Cheerleader, takes up MMA boxing

 Rather than shake her pom pons for the KC Chiefs to win, cheerleader Rachel Ray has taken up MMA Boxing, winning her first match in a TKO in "The Cage." We guess it was just too boring to watch the Chiefs play and she decided to get into something where she can do the hitting. Sorry, Chiefs, for your loss.

And speaking of losing, it's time for this week's predictions. The Oracle really stumbled last week, going a miserable 6-4 in picks. That will teach me to predict with my heart. What was I thinking, Detroit win? Against the Pack? It was a beautifully engineered loss by the Kittens, I must say. But it was no match for the Crudinals. Wow. 58-0 against a mediocre team. That takes Doormat class.

And now for this week's predictions:

Cincinnati- 28
Philadelphia- 24

Washington- 17
Cleveland- 21

Minnesota- 14
St. Louis- 12

Jacksonville- 24
Miami- 27

Tampa Bay- 28
New Orleans- 24

Seattle- 33
Buffalo- 10

Detroit- 35
Arizona- 7

Carolina- 14
San Diego- 16

Kansas City- 17
Oakland- 10 (This is definitely the game of the week. A perfect matchup, and a lot on the line)

New York Jets- 17
Tennessee- 14

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

'scuse me, 'scuse me,  coming through,  'scuse me, watch out.....

Make WAY for the Arizona Cardinals, folks,  9 straight losses,  rocketing to the top of the Doormat NFC in a humongous loss, 58-0, to division rival Seattle.  8 whopping turnovers, clearly not to be outdone by the Steelers, the Cruds deliver the biggest Blow-Out of the year.  The Crudinals are suddenly at -106 in point differential and break the FOUR-WAY TIE for first in the NFC doormat.   WOW.   The Lambs, on the other hand, pull to .500 and are not allowed in the standings.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 14 STANDINGS

NFC

U. OF PHOENIX    4-9       -106
PHILADELPHIA      4-9      -101

CAROLINA            4-9       -47

DETROIT               4-9      -22

NEW ORLEANS      5-8      -31

AFC

KANSAS CITY      2-11      -157

JACKSONVILLE    2-11      -143

OAKLAND            3-10     -154

TENNESSEE         4-9       -115

MIAMI                 5-8         -36

BUFFALO            5-8        -63

In the AFC,  the Raydurz and the Titanics both make the 10 club, while the NFC still can't get a 10-loss team.  Next week, for sure.    The Cleveland Brownies exit the AFC standings with yet another win and get beaten out by Buffalo and Miami, who have worse point differential.    The Chiefs come back to reality this week, realizing they are on the road and Brady Quinn is starting for them.  I wonder if Quinn got a big hug from Chomps and a brownie at the bake sale for his grand return to where it all started.   I bet he brought back a lot of memories for the Cleveland faithful.

Despite the two game lead that both KC and Jacksonville have over any of the NFC teams,  you better believe that the Crudinals are almost a lock to lose the next three and finish 4-12.   They play Detroit, Chicago,  San Francisco.  Good luck, even if Detroit is 4-9.   Detroit scores points.  The Cruds don't.

Hard to believe, but the Cruds BEAT the Patriots back in week two,  20-18.

CRUDS final:  4-12

KC, on the other hand,  has Oakland, Indy and Denver.   The Raiders- this is their chance- if they have any hope of taking the Doormat crown they have to blow the game to the Chiefs, and no matter how professionally bad they have been playing, it's going to take inspiration to lose.   It's the biggest game in the Doormat this year.  This is it.  The loser has the inside track.   However, the Raydurz beat the Gaguars, so if it ends up a tie with Jacksonville, the nod goes to the Gags.   

CHEAPS FINAL:  2-14

The Raiders finish at Carolina and then at San Diego.   Good luck losing all three.

RAYDURZ final:  4-12

Jacksonville may not be getting the press, but week in, week out, these guys lose almost every time.  Next week is the toughest, at Miami.  They could slip up and win there.  But the last two are New England and Tennesee, and though the Titanics pose a problem, I'm confident the Gags can pocket that loss without too much fuss.  They still have a chance, but they need some help. 

GAGUARS final:  3-13

In the NFC, the Eagles can pull off three more losses (Bengals, Redskins, Giants) and finish in a tie with the Cardinals, but the Cruds have the tie-breaker, beating the Pheebles in Week 3.   So, they're screwed.   

EAGLES final:  4-12

Carolina has the hardest route,  facing San Diego, Oakland and New Orleans.  After snuffing the Falcons today they will most likely party until Thursday and lose to San Diego, but the Chargers pulled off an upset of their own, so whoever has the bigger hangover and the weaker coffee loses that one. But they will not pull off losing to the Raydurz.  Sorry, not a chance.

PANTHERS final:  6-10

THERE FORE,  the predicted finish is Kansas City in the AFC and Arizona in the NFC.   

AAAAAAAnd THATS THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

THE STREAK

What do These Teams Have in Common?

None of them have been to the playoffs in at least 5 years.    Who will continue the legacy?

Buffalo:  The Buffalo Nils, at 5-7, are mathematically still in the hunt.  Ever gone hunting mathematically?   Didn't think so.   The Nils are working a 12-year drought, the franchise record.  Can they maneuver safely to 13?   Last division title:  1995 (17 years).  Last Super Bowl Victory:  oh, c'mon.

Oakland Raiders:  After last night's embarrassment  before a national television audience (assuming someone was watching outside of Denver), the hitchhikers to LA are heading for their 11th straight season off the radar.   Their last playoff game was Super Bowl XXXVII, the Chucky Beat-Down Revenge Stuff It Al Game.   A 48-21 drubbing from Tampa Bay that put the Chucky Hex on, which continues to this day.   11 dry years also franchise record.  Last Division Title:  2002 (10)

By the way,  5 (soon to be six) of the Broncos victories are from AFC West teams.  Without their own hopeless division, the Chargers would be 1-12.  The Chiefs, on the other hand,  have beaten only NFC teams.  They need to move.

Cleveland:  The Brownies, still remotely in the playoff picture,  are working the 9-year drought, and that's their franchise record, too.  And to think 9 years only gets them in 3rd here.  Last Division Title: 1989 (20- does not include the 'doormant' years.)  That's doormant, not doormat.  Last Super Bowel appearance-  NEVER.  

St. Louis:   The Lambs stand at 7, which is not their all-time record disappearing act (11).  They are also still faintly glimmering in the playoff light, fresh off the huge upset of the 49ers, which didn't seem at all like an upset after the tie last month.  The Lambs have a legitimate shot to make the playoffs...if they somehow sign 3 new offensive linemen who can pass block.  This is the best bad team in the league, right now.   Last Division Title:  2003 (8)

Jacksonville:  Has it really only been 5 years?  I bet in Gaguar Country, it seems like 100.   

In addition to this minor measure of football inconsequentialness (did I really write that?  I need to get a beer),  

NFL Week 14 Predictions: Paper Lions Cream Cheeseheads

That's right, folks. It's about time for the Detroit Kittens to win a game and it's just in time to screw up the Packers' road to the NFC North Crown (one of the smaller, more tarnished jewels in the NFL Universe). The Pack will win the North, but it won't be pretty.

And who is that sitting on the bench there? Number Zero? Of course, it's George Plimpton, the Paper Lion of 1964. The Oracle claims that is when all the Detroit woes and the hex began.

Allowing a journalist to put on a sacred NFL jersey and take the field as quarterback for five plays offended the Gods of the NFL up there in Valhalla or somewhere like that. I hear they drink a lot of wine made from honey there. Yech. What's wrong with a warm PBR and a hot dog? They have good hot dogs in Chicago at Soldier Field, especially the ones with cucumber and onions on them. MMMM.

Anyway, number 0 offended the NFL Gods and so they put a hex on Detroit that took effect on the last game of the 1964 season when the Cleveland Browns romped over the Lions to take the NFL Championship--the last season without a Super Bowl.

Since then the Lions, er, Kittens, have not been in a NFL Championship game, and according to the Oracle, they never will until George Plimpton officially apologies to the Gods, but we aren't sure if that is going to happen because he died in 2003. Sorry, George, great book, but bad for the Lions. Please find Valhalla up there and apologize!

Until then, the Kittens will continue to find the most spectacular ways to lose, no matter how good or bad they are.

But there is a bright moment on the horizon. This week they stagger into Green Bay to take on the Packers who are locked in 8-4 tie for the NFC North with the Chicago Care Bears. The Kittens will somehow find their mojo and will clock the Packers 35-21.

And now for the rest of the predictions:

Denver-28
Oakland-13

Dallas- 24
Cincinnati- 28

Kansas City- 14
Cleveland- 17

Tennessee- 14
Indianapolis- 28

Philadelphia- 28
Tampa Bay- 31

Atlanta- 28
Carolina- 17

NY Jets- 10
Jacksonville- 9

Arizona- 12
Seattle- 32

New Orleans- 33
NY Giants- 36

Detroit- 35
Green Bay- 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

The Doormat Division: Week 13 Rapport

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 13 STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA      3-9      -103

CAROLINA            3-9       -57

U. OF PHOENIX    4-8       -48

DETROIT               4-8      -15

ST. LOUIS             5-6-1   -46

AFC

KANSAS CITY      2-10     -134

JACKSONVILLE   2-10       -136

OAKLAND             3-9      -141

CLEVELAND        4-8        -36

TENNESSEE         4-8       -111

SAN DIEGO          4-8       +1

STIFF OF THE WEEK

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX 6,  NY JETS 7

"Tim, is that i before e or after sometimes y?"

Jets QB Mark Sanchez finally finds something useful to do on the sidelines and the Jets respond by winning a game with their 13th string QB,  Greg McElroy, coming in and engineering what no-one thought was possible yesterday-  a scoring drive that ended in a TD.   Two teams with two very different losing philosophies met in this clash of Titanics-  the Nyets deploying the interception-fumble plan, while the Crudinals came at them with everything their punter, Dave Zastudil, had.  10 punts for 448 yards!  137 net yards on offense!  The Cruds went 0-15 on 3rd down, and amassed a league-wide season low 5 first downs.  A.J. Feely took care of the scoring with two 75-yard field goals after interceptions or some other gift.   The Jets, down to their last dime, put in McElroy and the game slips through their fingers and any real chance at the Moldy Carpet with it.  The Jets, Bills, and Dolphins are all 5-7, just like we predicted it would happen in the AFC East.   Sometimes, you just can't lose.  The Cruds, though, should lose at least 3 of the last 4 (Seattle, Detroit, Chicago, SF),  and I think they are going 4-12.  They could still win it.  

You know, every NBA team has a guy way down at the end of the bench, the 12th guy, who never gets in the game.  Yesterday, with the Jets fans chanting McElroy's name, praying that Rex Ryan would put him, or anybody for that matter,  into the game, it took me back to my youth in Portland, Oregon.  The Portland Trailblazers were a brand new team and were pretty damn bad.  Being the 12th guy on the worst team in the league was a real distinction.  One night, with about 578 other people in the building, we began chanting our 12th man's name- Stricker.   It started in low, and then started to grow.  Pretty soon, everybody was chanting "Put in Stricker, put in Stricker."   Sure enough, with the game safely out of reach,  the coach peered way down the bench and called his name.  The place went nuts.   Stricker came in, scored 47 points in 10 minutes and the rest is history.  

Well, no, but he did get a couple buckets and his teammates fed him the ball every time downcourt.  It must have felt great.  Stricker didn't stick in the NBA, but at least he got to feel what it was like when a crowd wanted to see him in the game.   Add Greg McElroy to the list.

GAME OF THE WEEK

CHIEFS 27,  PANTHERS 21  

When a team as bad as the Chiefs are this year are struck by a stunning tragedy as they were on Saturday,  you have no idea how they will respond.  As everyone knows by now,  KC linebacker Jovan Belcher murdered his girlfriend on Saturday, then drove to Chiefs headquarters, spoke to coach Romeo Crennel and GM Scott Piloli, thanked them for giving him a chance to play for the Chiefs, and shot himself dead right there in the parking lot, leaving behind an orphaned baby.  And Crennel thought he was just coaching a bad football team.

How do you play a football game the very next day after something like that?   Apparently, you play your hearts out.   Facing the second worst team in the NFC, the Chiefs refuse to go down quietly, Brady Quinn throws 2 TD passes for the first time since the invention of the football, and the Chiefs top the Carolina Panthers in undoubtedly the most emotional game in the NFL this year.  

Our hats are off.  Go Chiefs.

SOLID LOSING

JAGUARS 18,  BILLS 38

This is a close as we get to a blow-out this week.  The Gags...are playing better football.  I'll admit it.  They aren't the well-oiled losing machine they were earlier in the year.  But, they are back in a tie now with the Chiefs and it's going to go down to the last game of the year.  The Gaguars still find a way when others give up.

BLOTS 13,  BENGALS 20

Chargers QB Philip Rivers pulls it off again, rallying late and then throwing the really bad game killing interception.   Pow! Blam!  You gotta hand it to him- he's got style.  Right down to the unfazed look he gets when he's really really blown it.  He's done the pissed-off thing so many times, he's had to change the shtick.  The AFC Worst just keeps on getting worser.  Wurster.

BROWNIES  20,  RAIDERS 17

The Raydurz can't beat the Browns at home.  Say that to yourself 10 times, Raiders fans.The Oakland Raydurzzz come skidding into Monday with a 5-game losing jag going, and they might as well start releasing everybody, and not just Rolando McCain.  Get on the Doormat bandwagon and stop the posturing.  These guys are only 1 game off the pace, but finishing 3-13 is a tall order.  Last 4 games:  Denver, Chiefs, Panthers, Chargers.   I say 4-12.   The Browns host the Chiefs next week, and if they can't lose that one, they're finishing 5-11.

The serious disconnect between the Raiders coach's plans and the player's execution, in particular the O-line zone blocking (which has eliminated what was a pretty good rushing attack) and the entire defense, is something to not behold.  Yesterday's game managed to be blacked out, even with the new rules.  Let's hope they black out the road games, too.  I hope you can get a bumper sticker that says "I blacked out at a Raiders game."

EAGLES 33,  COWBOYS 38

Whatever your team scores, the Pheebles will craftily get under that number to make it look like they could have won.   The Philly Pheebs are in first in the NFC Doormat, and they win a tiebreaker over the Panthers, since they almost won against them last week.  The Pheebs have a great chance to finish 3-13.  Their last 4 games:  Tampa,  Cincy, Washington and NY Giants.   aaaaaaand speaking of almost winning:

LIONS 33, COLTS 35

Explain to me how two teams score 68 points,  pile up 910 net yards of offense, turn it over 4 times, yet still punt 15 times.  What a wild game.  The Lions now have a legitimate chance to retake the Doormat crown, which has eluded them for a few years now.  Those great, golden years of losing may be back already.   The Kittens can rack up points that put them in no danger of winning.   Kittens wins have been:  Lambs, Gaguars, Seahawks, and Pheebles.  Impressive!  3 of their last 4 games are against teams above .500, which pretty much guarantees a loss. Their lone trouble spot is the Crudinals on Dec. 16th.  The Crudinals are on fire, though, with 8 straight appalling attempts at football.   Looks like 5-11 to me.


NOTES:  I know I haven't been reporting the stats lately....I've just been enjoying the pure ebb and flow of the games,  the poetry of it all.   After all, doesn't the game speak for itself?

aaaAAAAAAnd THAT's THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!

NFL Week 14 Predictions: Eagles in 5-car collision in fast lane

Wow. The Eagles, or Pheebles, as we like to call them here in the basement, have put together one of the most impressive swan dives in recent history. The Pennsylvania Highway Patrol had to scrape them off the road after a life in the fast lane collision with a semi tractor trailer hauling 48 caged Panthers on their way to a circus. Is that Bill Clinton working as a cop, now?

Anyway, welcome to the Doormat Division Philly! We have stocked up on frozen cheese steaks in your honor and the beer, though flat, is actually cold today thanks to a replacement refrigerator we picked up at a yard sale this week. It's a frosty 42 in there now. The old one was humping along at about 62 degrees. Not so good for the bean dip. It was kinda pink, but it tasted OK. What did Oscar Madison say? "It's either very new cheese or very old meat."

Y'know, it's kinda a trend like if ya think about it. Ever since Donovan (Hurdy Gurgy Man) McNabb came to Philly the pundits have predicted a Philly Super Bowl almost every year. Why do they do that? Why do they pick the Eagles to go to the big game every stinking year? How many times have we seen them do a swan dive now? In the last four years, at least four times. They may not be the worst team ever, but they have to be the most underperforming franchise in history.

And speaking of meat, let's get to the grisly, fatty, flabby truth here and take a big bite out of this weeks spinning, frozen turkey.

And the predictions are.....

New Orleans- 35
Atlanta- 38

Jacksonville- 12
Buffalo- 14

Indianapolis- 44
Detroit- 38

Houston- 17
Tennessee- 10

Carolina- 14
KC- 0

San Francisco- 17
St. Louis- 14

New England- 30
Miami- 17

Arizona- 21
NYJ- 17

Tampa Bay- 17
Denver- 28

Cleveland- 21
Oakland- 18 (OT)

Cincinnati- 28
San Diego- 21

Philadephia- 10
Dallas- 12

NYG- 36
Washington- 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

The DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 12 REPORT

TA DA!!!  It was Pick-Six Holiday Weekend in the National Flag Football League (or haven't you noticed), with just GOBS of highlights to choose from.  But let's not lose sight of the Big Picture:

The Kansas City Cheaps are the first team to 10 losses!  They get first dibs on the Barcalounger in the Basement, get first shot at the pre-opened quart of PBR, get first drag on the pile of cigarette butts we pulled out of our neighbors garbage,  and they can hang their headdress right over the Zenith TV.   They cannot kick the possum.  The possum kinda owns the place.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 12 STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA      3-8      -98

CAROLINA            3-8       -51

U. OF PHOENIX    4-7       -47

DETROIT               4-7      -13

ST. LOUIS             4-6-1   -49

AFC

KANSAS CITY      1-10     -140

JACKSONVILLE   2-9       -120

OAKLAND             3-8      -114

CLEVELAND        3-8        -39

TENNESSEE         4-7       -97

NY JETS             4-7        -69

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

JETS 19,  PATS 49

You can't touch giving up 3 touchdowns in 54 seconds.  TWO fumbles turn into touchdowns.   35 points in one quarter.  The wimpy field goal with :02 on the clock before half time was a touch of high art, if you ask me.   The Jets piled up 405 yards of offense and got BA-LOWN OUT.   Rex Ryan, as of today, still has a job in the Jets organization.  Ryan lost 100 pounds in the off-season.  The whole team has lost it now.

LOSS LEADER

CHIEFS 9,  BRONCOS 17

Our Cheaps have a lot to show for their efforts.  10 magnificent losses.  No wins at home.   At the bottom of nearly every statistical category you can dream up.  They did lead in the game yesterday, so that makes 2 in a row now after being perfect for the first 9 games of the season.   You can't be perfect.

Well, you can, but the Lions would have to come to the Cheaps in the off-season and take them through their 0-16 season to work out the particulars.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 20,  STEELERS 14

I was pretty sure Charlie Batch could deliver the sort of performance that would hand the win to the Brownies, but WHOA-BABY the whole Steeler organization contributed to this humm-baby!!   EIGHT, count 'em EIGHT turnovers by the iron-fingered men from Steel-town.  That's the season high for the year.  duh.  The Steelers actually fumbled 8 times, but lost a mere 5.  Batch tossed in 3 interceptions, and the Browns ran away with...wait, no, actually they barely won.  Whew!!  The BROWNIES  punted 10 times!!   Take that and your miserable fumbles!  Who do you think you're dealing with?  The Pats?  It was a malicious battle, but the Steelers outlasted the Brownies and nailed down the loss.   What a game.

GAME OF THE WEEK

CAROLINA PANTHERS                              VS.    PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Tonight!!   If the Pansies can somehow get out of the way of the Pheelbes off-the-rails atrocious out-of-control unstoppable ridiculously mailed-in football,  they'll lose their hold on first place in the NFC Doormat.  Who would have thought, 5 weeks ago, that the Eagles were going to come out of nowhere and head straight for oblivion like they have done?  Of course, they've got the rocketing-to-earth Arizona Cardinals hot on their assess, but all they gotta do is keep losing, and they'll never look back.

EDGE:  EAGLES (to lose)

LOSING IN STYLE

CARDINALS 17,  RAMS 31

The University of Phoenix runs 3rd string rookie QB Ryan Lindley out there and he connects!  With Janoris Jenkins of the Lambs who promptly runs both INTs back for TDs.   The Crudinals lose their 7th straight game and the abyss is the limit for these guys.   Rams the best team with a tie (after the Niners) in the league.

RAVENS 16, CHARGERS 13  OT

Thanks to the fact that the NFL is trying so hard to protect offensive players (have you noticed that all the rules to protect players is for the offense?), and this includes allowing only once-a-week pads practice around the NFL during the season, nobody can tackle worth a crap anymore.  

The result:   Chargers give up 1st down on 4th and 29 to the Ravens, and the rest is history.  A football miracle, and the greatest blow-it play of the season, and probably ever for the Blots- I mean, Bolts.   Norv Turner still making coffee in his office.  How many more cups, Norv?  How many?

RAIDERS 10, BENGALS 34

Carson Palmer returns to Cincinnatti, and gets his can kicked.  All-day party in Cincy.  Laughing, crying, hugging, gloating.  Such Joy.

UPSETS

JAGUARS WIN A GAME!!!!

JAGUARS  24, TITANICS 19

Jags QB Chad Henne plays great for the second straight week, and the Jags pull off a rarity in the Doormat:  winning the week after you play like wild men and lose a wild game at the last second.  After their 3rd OT loss of the season, the Jags come out swinging and win one at home in front 20,000 stunned empty seats.  They fall out of the tie for first in the Doormat AFC.

DOLPHINS 24,  SEAHAGS 21

The Seahags are the Slufgest pros, and the bring a beauty to Miami,  setting up the the game-losing field goal with no time on the clock.   Perfect.  Seahags can't decide if they are winners or losers.  Maybe this game will help.

Okay,  I gotta go get some possum feed....which is my neighbors garbage can.  But getting it away from the racoons is dicey-  far more physical than an NFL game.  

aaaAAAAAAAAND THAT's The View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!

NFL Week 12 Doormat Predictions

Good Grief, is it Thursday already? OK, time to update the standings and post the predictions for this week. No time for analysis. Hey, denizens of the cellar, post your predictions (and we will use the honor system for Detroit)

Detorit- 42
Houston- 36

Washington- 24
Dallas-10

Oakland- 17
Cincy- 31

Pittsburgh- 12
Cleveland- 10

Denver- 50
KC- 3

Atlanta- 36
Tampa Bay 33

Tennessee- 21
Jacksonville-10

St. Louis- 21
Arizona- 10

San Francisco- 33
New Orleans- 28

Seatle- 17
Miami- 14

Buffalo- 10
Indianapolis- 21

And now for the game of the week, maybe the year:

Philadelphia- 17
Carolina- 20

The Doormat Division: NFL Week 11 Report

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11 STANDINGS

NFC

CHICAGO              7-3      +84  

CAROLINA           2-8      -59

PHILADELPHIA  3-7      -90

ST. LOUIS              3-6-1   -63

U. OF PHOENIX   4-6      -63

DETROIT               4-6      -10 

AFC

KANSAS CITY      1-9     -132

JACKSONVILLE  1-9     -125

CLEVELAND        2-8     -45

OAKLAND             3-7      -114

TENNESSEE         4-6      -92

BUFFALO              4-6      -69

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BEARS 7,  49ERS 32

   

True, New England racked up 59 points on the Colts, but this was a serious beat-down so bad, Da Bears get an honorary top slot in the NFC Doormat this week.  The Bears played one of the most unprepared games I can remember in recent memory of division leaders squaring off late in the season.  Journeyman QB Jason "Micromanager" Campbell gets pig-piled on by the Smith brothers, and the Bear defense underestimates 49er QB Colin Kaepernick by about 1000%.   The Bears did nothing.  Zip.  There were some loooooong faces in the locker room and at the press conference.  

A year ago, Campbell was leading the Oakland Raiders to a 4-2 record,  playing confidently, if conservatively, and looking like a guy who was in charge.  Then Carson Palmer came swaggering into town with his special skill set, and guided the Raiders to a bumbling 8-8 finish while the Raiders tossed Campbell under the bus.   He hasn't recovered.   

OVERTIME DERBY

What's worse,  playing like a true loser from the opening kickoff and sending your fans home early, or taking it right to the winning cliff in overtime but still finding a way to lose?  I'll take the latter-  because you KNOW your guys are gonna find a way, so why be put through the torture?

JACKSONVILLE 37, HOUSTON 43  (OT)

And who better to carry the banner than the Jaguars- losers of THREE overtime games on the road this year?

The Gaguars tantalized their fans with a 34-20 lead early in the 4th quarter yesterday, but then finally got the Blow-It-All thinking going in earnest, capping it with a defensive gem where Texan WR Andre Johnson, who set the team record for receiving yards with 273 for the day,  was so wide open for the winning TD in overtime that he had to wave the safety over to get into the photo.

"I told them afterwards, we didn't come here for a tie," Jacksonville coach Mike Mularkey said. "We had some chances. We just did not make some of the plays that we haven't made throughout the year."

Coach, coach, COACH.  What you meant to say was "We just made the same plays we've been making all year."  And it paid off.   That's my Jags- play your game of the year, and still lose.  They sure don't play for the tie.  1-9 and still even with the Chiefs for bragging rights in the Doormat AFC.

CLEVELAND 20, DALLAS 23  (OT)

This one is a doormat gem.  The teams did one fumble-fumble sequence (2 turnovers on two plays), always a good sign.  With 1:09 left in the game, after artfully blowing one 1st and goal opportunity, the Browns fall into the end zone and take the lead.  But 1:09 is more than enough time to lose if DB Sheldon Brown (for the Browns!) can rack up a 35-yard pass interferene call.   BOOM the Cowpies tie it up at the end of regulation.  In OT, the Browns get a fumble recovery waved off, and narrowly avoid having the chance at victory.   Cowpies boot a FG and win a game that spent more time with referee replay commentary than they did with advertisements, which is impressive.  Oscar performance from Referee Ed Hochuli, as hundreds of fans ended up in comas.

CAROLINA 21,  BUCCANEERS 27  (OT)

And who else to cap off the futile nearly winning formula than the always creative Carolina Panthers?  On paper, these guys should win some games.  But we aren't playing rock, PAPER, scissors.   5 of the last 6 Pansies losses were Come-From-Ahead games where they blew the lead in the 4th quarter!!  And yesterday was no exception-  ahead 21-10 entering the fourth quarter, the Pansies stop playing defense and the Bucs whiz by the Kings of Fade.   Carolina 2-8 and still in the driver's seat in the Doormat NFC.   The heated chairs in the Pansy coach's office just went up to 'butt-scorch.'

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

KANSAS CITY 6,  CINCINNATI 28

There's really nothing to say about the Cheaps that hasn't already been said.   Other than after last night's 49er game they probably couldn't dial the phone fast enough to ask the Niners if Alex Smith is available yet.   And this may be Alex's reward for becoming a solid NFL QB.  Arrow-thru-the-Headache future.

I bet they have some rotary phones over there at Cheaps headquarters.

CARDINALS 19,  ATLANTA 23

Another beautiful fade job from the guys who were once 4-0.  Six straight unmistakable Doormat losses.    Sayonara, University of Phoenix.   Seven first downs.   Eight punts.  It was only an illusion they were in the game.

MIAMI 14, BUFFALO 19

Somebody had to win.   The Rams and Niners might argue.

OAKLAND 17,  NEW ORLEANS 38

It was much, much worse.  This was so bad.  It's team-wide.  The Raiders have been outscored now, after those inspiring half-time talks, 123-34 this season in the 3rd quarter.  I wonder if we can get the Raider staff to come to the Basement and do a master class on this phenomena with, hopefully, a video montage of every halftime 'adjustment' session this season.   There's never been anything quite like it.

ST. LOUIS  13,  NY JETS 27

Only the Lambs can make the Jets look viable.   A week after their best tie of the year, the Lambs blow a real chance to win a game against a real bad team.  Not some pretend bad team, a real one.  But this is when the pros step in and take care of business.  And the Lambs have been at this longer than the Jets.  

PHILADEPHIA  6,   WASHINGTON 31

The Feebles fire their coach and then discover it's the same guys going out on the field.   These guys are one Carolina victory away from elbowing their flabby way into first in the Doormat.  WHAT A NOSE DIVE.   I'm on board.

INDIANAPOLIS  24,  NEW ENGLAND 59

Not so fast, DOLTS.  Remember last year?  Yes?  Good.

aaAAAAAAAND That's the View from the Basement!!!

NFL, Week at the Knees 11, Doormat Predictions

Ben-Gals pull up at a tailgate party in Cincy

Apparently the Ben-Gals, the Bengals cheerleaders, helped get the team hyped for the big game against the NY Giants, because Cincy clocked the mitey Giants 31-13 in a no-contest ass whupping. Hm, maybe those close games all season were just luck. Giants are looking a little dorrmaty right now. As for the Bengals, they get to ride the crest of a one-game winning streak into Arrow-Through-The-Head stadium where they have the real possibility of winning another game against the hopeless Chiefs.

And speaking of hopeless, did you know Cam Newton is 2-10 in his career against teams at or above .500? Let's look at that schedule....TB, Philly, and KC. Wow, Cam might push the Pansies to a  2-1 run here at mid season. This could blow up their chance for the Moldy Carpet. Then they finish with Atlanta, San Diego, Oakland and New Orleans. Probably will only beat Oakland in that stretch. But by then they might be at 6-10, no chance for the big trophy or a seat on the vinyl-plated barcalounger.

But those are predictions far down the road. Let's take a look at this week. The Oracle spins the frozen turkey and predicts:

Miami- 28
Buffalo- 17

Green Bay- 36
Detroit- 33 (OT)

Cleveland- 10
Dallas- 14

Cincinnati- 24
Kansas City- 13

New York Jets- 14
St. Louis- 21

Philadelphia- 14
Washington- 17

Tampa Bay- 28
Carolina- 16

Jacksonville- 3
Houston- 21

New Orleans- 24
Oakland- 10

And just for fun because this game actually matters to me, I predict the 49ers will best the Bears 13-10 in a 15-round slugfest on a wet, miserable night in SF.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 10 Report

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 10

AFC

Kansas City      1-8      -110

Jacksonville      1-8     -119

Cleveland         2-7      -42

Oakland           3-6      -93

Buffalo             3-6      -74

NFC

Carolina           2-7       -53

Washington     3-6       -22

Philadelphia    3-6       -65

St. Louis          3-5-1    -49

U. of Phoenix  4-5      -29

THE GAMES WEEK 10 REVIEW

CHIEFS 13,  STEELERS 16 (OT)

First of all, let's take care of the miracle in Pittsburgh last night.  The Cheaps scored FIRST for the first time this year, and LED during a game for the first time this year.  For an entire half and some change, which is some rarified air, let me tell you.  They almost won the game, but let's not get out of control.

Just as we were marveling at how the Lambs can find almost anyway to screw up a win (but they didn't lose, did they?) the Cheaps step up and show how it's done.  If Matt Cassel is starting for an NFL team next year, it'll be because there was a plane crash with every available 2nd string quarterback on board and they will be Lost in the South Pacific for all time.   4-8-15-16-23-42.  Hike!

Where it's going, nobody knows....

and if it does get there,  there's no telling what will happen.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't in Kansas City these days.  Cheaps receivers are so used to the ball going just about anywhere on the field, except at them, when it comes out of the pocket  there's a concentration problem.  Like, if the teacher would just call on you every single time, you're going to start snagging those questions, right?  80%, right?  Well, maybe not here in the Basement, but most people.   But, geez, she only calls on you when you're lost in a reverie about Stephanie Kramm's fuzzy sweater and WHAT?  So who can blame old "Flipper Hands" Bowe for dropping an alarming number of passes as the season slips by.....

No matter.   Steelers QB Big Ben checks out of the game with a shoulder owie and Bryan Leftwich (why isn't this guy left-handed?) proves that it takes just one guy to turn a team into a doormat.  The Cheaps tie the game, holy cow, and enter OT and get the ball first.  Matt Cassell IMMEDIATELY throws an interception on a pass that had .0000001% chance of being completed and the Steelers intercept, and kick a field goal and GOOD NIGHT.

I say they run rookie QB Alex Tanney ( from mighty Monmouth College) out there.  He's 6-4, 220 and he's alive.  What more do you want?   30 turnovers is just enough.  Unless, unless.. you're going for the record!  That's going to take some doing- it's 63 by the 1976 San Francisco 49ers.   The Niners were so bad that year that announcer Lon Simmons was basically doing a stand-up act by the 2nd quarter.  He's still the funniest sports announcer I've ever heard.  I tuned in the games, hoping it would be a blow-out early just to hear what he would do.

The Cheaps are so bad I put them ahead of Jacksonville in the standings, even though their point differential says differently.   I think Jacksonville kills these guys.

JACKSONVILLE 10,  INDIANAPOLIS 27

It wasn't pretty, but the Gaguars got it done again.   Last time these guys met, the Gags pulled out a last second victory on a play that had no business going 80 yards.   Not to worry, they've worked out the kinks now, and are sailing free....Andrew Luck torches the Gags and Colts rocket out of the basement, all the way up to 6-3.  They could STILL finish 6-10, but I think these guys go 9-7 at least.  

30th in passing!  30th in rushing!  23rd in pass D!  29th in rush D!   yow!!

Gaguars are the silent assassins of the Doormat, flying under the radar.   Who's next on their hit list?

HOUSTON.   Houston, we have clear sailing!

EAGLES 23,  COWBOYS 38

Eagles are now in full implosion mode.  Michael Vick is out, probably ending his hopes for the fumbles record for a season.

PANTHERS 14,  BRONCOS 36

The Pansies won a game last week, and that was just exhausting.  They scored the first touchdown in this one, and then......zzzzzzzzzz.   Still leading the NFC division and who, I say, WHO is going to touch them?   Next loss:  the suddenly scary Buccaneers!  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of aspirin.

DEC 2nd,  the TOILET BOWL will be played early

KANSAS CITY vs.  CAROLINA  in K.C.  Be THERE!!!!!!!!

6.327 tickets available (that's the most I've seen this year)

JETS 7,  SEAHAWKS 28

Changing of the guard.   Jets the statistical leaders this week in futility.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

SAINTS 31, FALCONS 27

This game is always huge in NOLA.  I was having the oyster po'boy of my life in a little diner in New Orleans when Atlanta was in town for a game once, and when the game started, the whole diner just slowed down, nobody left their seat, and the waitress let us know we didn't have to move an inch the rest of the night.  I ordered another po'boy and a pitcher of beer.  Better than any tailgate ever.

The Saints are back in action and heading out of the Doormat.  Geaux, Saints.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

RAIDERS 20,  RAVENS 555

If the Raydurzzz hadn't had the Cheaps and the Gaguars on their schedule, they'd be 1-8.  But, those are the breaks and you gotta play your schedule and tough nuts to the team that can't blow it against the Cheaps or Gags.  Get with the program.

The Raiders can't run, can't defend, can't cover special teams, can't be coached, have no coach, what does it matter?  The Silver and Blacked out are just kicking Al Davis's tomb now.   We SORRY, Al, we thought you were the problem.  At least Carson Palmer didn't have to throw the pressure-packed killer interception.  He got the day off.

CHARGERS 24, BUCS 43

Blots -BOLTS, sorry- QB Philip Rivers does it again.  This guy is Doormat all-star.  TWO, count 'em, TWO killer 4th quarter interceptions, one for a pick-six late.  Just just stellar.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

RAMS 24,  49ERS 24 (OT)

I guess it's not really fair to call this the Stiff of the Week, but when the Lambs kept finding ways to not win and the 49ers kept dealing right back at them, what else can you say?  It was a TIE, it's gotta be stiff of the week. I'll bet Alex Smith's neck is stiff of the week.  That was the weirdest dive to the turf this year.  SLIDE, Alex.  Damn.  Back-up Colin Kaepernick, though greeeeeeen,  looks pretty amazing.  At least he can see over the line, something unseen in SF in 7 years.   Most of the fans and players, by the way, remained seated, waiting for the second overtime to begin.   Dum-de-dum.   The Rams have now lost to the 49ers 473 times in a row.  Sure feels that way for sports fans in St. Louis and gosh they must be loving this San Francisco-beating-them thing right about now.   Rematch in a few weeks.

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

(stats later)

NFL Week 10 Doormat Predictions

Is it Friday already? There was a game last night? Well, not really a game, because the Colts and the Jaguars were on the field at the same time. I heard the Grants Pass Cavemen band was going to march at halftime but were too embarrassed. Jaguars are rolling to the Moldy Carpet!

And speaking of caves, the Doormat Division cellar is looking fine these days.

Not actual Doormat cellar, this is a simulation

Hey, DT, where did you get the Schlitz? Looks a little like your room back in high school.

Now, I swear I spun the Turkey on Tuesday and just forgot to post the predictions. So my pick for Thursday Night Food Ball still counts.

NFL Week 10 Predictions

Indianapolis- 35
Jacksonville- 7

Lions- 38
Vikings- 21

San Francisco- 27
St. Louis- 3

New York Giants- 17
Cincinnati- 16

Tennessee- 24
Miami- 28

Atlanta- 17
New Orleans- 21

San Diego- 14
Tampa Bay- 21

Denver- 38
Carolina- 14

Oakland- 10
Baltimore- 17

Kansas City- 3
Pittsburgh- 27

Gentlemen, make you predictions!