The Doormat Division: NFL WEEK 4 Wrap-Up and Disposal!

The Doormat Division:  NFL Week 4 Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division is about who is doing the worst, and doing it best.

It was an incredible weekend for racking up the stats in the Doormat, and I don’t see why we shouldn’t tack them up right now:

NFL Week 4 Worst Stats!!!!!

Turnovers: 6                 Bills, Chiefs 

Interceptions:  4            Ryan Fitzpatrick, Bills  (season total 7, tied for lead)

Fumbles lost: 3            Jets, Chiefs

Points:  0                      Jets

First downs:  9              Jets             (noticing a trend?)

Total yards: 145            Jets   (Biplanes? Cropdusters?)

Pass yards: 100            Jets, Vikings

Rush yards: 28            Cardinals  (Jets 45)

Most yards and still lost: 438            Bills (Panthers 426)

Out-gain the other team and still lose:     +114  Lions  (Saints and Panthers do it too)

3^rd down conversion:  1-12     Raydurzz

Sacked:  8        Cardinals (and they WON)

Punts:  9           Cardinals (and they WON)

Total interceptions: 26

Total lost fumbles: 20  that’s a LOT.  It’s usually about 10.

Penalties: 10-107      Buccaneers  (Ravens got 11, but only 100 yards)

Time of poss: 22:35            Raydurzz           

THE DOORMAT STANDINGS:

 Won-lost and point differential

AFC

Cleveland     0-4   -25

Tennessee     1-3   -70

Oakland        1-3   -58

Kansas City  1-3   -48

Jacksonville  1-3   -35

NFC

AINTS         0-4    -20

Carolina       1-3    -29

Detroit          1-3   -14

Tampa Bay   1-3   -9

St. Louis       2-2   -12

  

BACK ON TOP!!

AINTS  27, PACKERS 28

We knew they would struggle, but who—eeeeee!!!  The Aints sit alone atop the NFC Doormat standings at a mighty 0-4,  after a wild finish where Saints kicker Garrett Hartley kicks a go-ahead 43-yard FG with 2:49 left, but WAIT- there’s a Saints penalty, so it’s a 53 yarder now, but wait the Packers are offside, so it’s a 48-yarder now.  After all that, the only thing to do is just miss the stupid uprights and lose.  Done.  Next galling loss: Chargers.  The AINTS are smokin’ hot.  I’ve never seen a team score so many points and lose.

 UGLY LOSS OF THE WEEKEND

This is a tough one.   How about the Bills, who, leading 21-7 early in the 3^rd,  turn on the turnover machine and cough it up SIX TIMES and get run over in a runaway loss 52-28 to the Pats?  At Home? A Come From Ahead Loss that turns into a Blowout? Ryan Fitzpatrick, not about to let some rookie in an orange helmet with no logo steal his interception crown, cashes in 4 killer INTs and ties Brandon Weeden for the league lead at 7.  Toss in a couple fumbles and what an ugly loss.  Go get ‘em Nils!

Or this one-

VIKINGS 20, LIONS 13

The Yikings don’t score a TD on offense.  The Kittens special teams start digging a freeway in the Kat Box, and the Yikes run back a punt and a kickoff for 2 TDs. Peeeeuw! Kittens can’t light the wet fuse that is their late game heroics (which aren’t winning games anyway) and bring back the memories for the faithful in Detroit.  Where’s my Matt Millen cut-out?

In the last 4 seasons, plus up to Week 4 this year, the Kittens have beaten teams with winning records exactly TWICE.  And the last one was TWO YEARS AGO against the Packers.  Rowr!  Ffft!! 

Or THIS ONE:

CARDINALS 24,  DOLPHINS 21

The Floppers, leading 21-14, with 5:00 left in the game, turn to rookie QB Ryan Tannehill to pull out the loss-  putting one on the rug that the Cardinals snag and then drive to tie the game with and send this baby into overtime.  Tannehill then wisely plays the INT card in OT and the Cruds have no option but to line up the kick and scrape one over the uprights for the win.  Despite getting sacked 8 times, throwing two INTs, getting 28 yards rushing and amassing 435 yards on 9 punts, the Crudinals cannot catch a break and keep on winning.  They’re 4-0 for crying out loud.  We’ve still got their bobblehead on the bar in the Basement!   The Flops live on in Doormat lore. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

RAMS 19, SEAHAWKS 13

The Lambs get out-coached again by Pete Carroll, and the Seahags remind us that they aren’t out of the basement yet by losing to the worst NFC team of the past decade. 

TEXANS 38, TITANS 14

 Titanics get blown out in a solid loss.  Tennessee stays in the Doormat race at 1-3.

BENGALS 27, JACKSONVILLE 10

Flying under the radar this week, the Gaguars just put in the time and get the loss.  Nothing fancy.  Just straight-up professional losing.  

FALCONS 30, PANTHERS 28

Yet another loss snatched from the jaws of victory, the Panthers pull off a classic, pinning the opponent at the 1 with a minute to go…and losing the ballgame.  The Panthers really need to play the AINTS and decide who can rack up the most yards and points and STILL lo- Oh, wait, they already beat the AINTS for their only victory.  The AINTS rule the roost!   

CHARGERS 37, CHIEFS 20

Whenever you hear me saying the Cheaps should win a game, don’t believe it.  Deep down I don’t believe they should win a single game, and boy did they do it up at Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium yesterday.  Don’t let that score fool you.  It might as well have been 222-0.  SIX turnovers and a world of hurt for the football fanatics that had to watch that bombshell of a detonated football game.  The Cheaps still have Oakland on the schedule-twice, the Dolts and the Brownies.  It will be tough, but don’t count them out yet in the tough AFC Doormat.   Next Loss: Baltimore. 

aaaAAAAAAAND That’s The View from the BASEMENT!!!!

The Road Ahead: NFL Week 4 Doormat Style

WEEK 4.  When true Doormat tendencies start to really show up.  And show up big.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS  (0-3) at GREEN BAY (1-2)

It's going to take a small miracle for the Aints to start their turnaround in Green Bay.   The Aints defense has blitzed 28 times, and 22 times the pass was completed (78.6% failure rate).  On those blitzes, they've given up 3 touchdowns and made NO interceptions.  It appears the Aints defense has ceased targeting ANYBODY.

The Packers have not exactly been winning going away...and if fact sport a losing record (1-2).  They lead the league in sacks allowed (16). Yes they got robbed last week, but what were they doing in that position in the first place?   NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said it best: the controversy is "the beauty of sports and the beauty of officiating."   I am always thinking of beauty when I think of NFL refs.   

ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-2)  host the SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-1)

The reason the Packers were in a position to lose on Monday night was the Seahawks might have the fastest defense in the league.  Wow.  That ain't the old Seahag defense from days of yore.  Days of your what?  They days of staring at your shoes while your team blows it again.  The Hags aren't blowing anything right now, and the Rams come sliding under the St. Louis arch with only 5 TDs and NO rushing TDs yet this year.  Sam Bradford is averaging 4 sacks a game, and 7 knock-downs.   The Lambs will be lucky to score a touchdown in this one.  

DETROIT LIONS (1-2) host the VIKINGS (2-1)

Here come the Kittens.  The Vikes will not experience a let-down after last week's upset.  On the contrary, they will be so amped up for this contest that that will be Detroit's only hope-  over-pursuit leading to somebody wide frikkin' open down the other side.  The Kittens cannot keep digging huge holes that they have to climb out of.  It's exciting, but they need to score two TDs in the first quarter for once.  Kittens coach Jim Schwartz will officially be on the hot seat if they lose this one at the Kat Box.  

TENNESSEE TITANS (1-2) at HOUSTON TEXANS (3-0)

It's not clear to me how the Texans are going to lose a game this year.  And certainly not this one.

The Titans have NO running game.  39 yards per game.   Titans QB Jake Locker's only been sacked twice, but he has 2 lost fumbles.  Titans should get to 1-3 without much problem.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (1-2) host the BENGALS (2-1)

Gaguars QB Blaine Gabbert hasn't thrown a TD pass in the first quarter in two years.  But in the fourth quarter this season he has two TDs, 209 yards, and a 122.9 rating.  Of course, one of those TDs came against the spectacular circus that is the Colts secondary on the winning TD last week.  Bengals should grind this game into a million punts.

MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-2) at ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-0)

Ever notice that the Dolphins logo is not wearing a Dolphins helmet?  Their own helmets have a morale problem.  This game is up for grabs, with the real possibility the Crudinals will be 4-0 by Monday.  That's just cwazy.   I'm calling this game EVEN, just cause I need one more week to be convinced of the Floppers true Doormat cred for this year.  

ELSEWHERE:

CHARGERS-CHIEFS

The Chargers might be really bad.  They were really really bad last week.  The Chiefs spent the weekend in the Big Easy last week, and are feeling mighty fine.  Chargers far more likely to slide into the Basement and take up residence.  

PANTHERS at FALCONS

People keep picking the Panthers to upset people and for Cam Newton to be the Michael Jordan of football.  As far as i can tell, he's more Carmelo Anthony.  A ball hog in a game where that's hard to pull off, and you don't win in either.  Pansies are -6 in takeaways and the Falcons are +10.  uh-oh.  

REDSKINS at BUCS

Josh Freeman is not having his 'come-back' year.  I don't know how you can do that when you've had only one decent year in your career.   Redskins lead the league with 99 points.  RGB III was knocked to the ground 28 times last week- it's the 'new' QB.  The one that gets pummeled.    

GIANTS at EAGLES

The Pheebles are the fumble kings in this league (8 on the rug, 6 lost), but it may not be enough.  Wild game in Philly.

RAIDERS at BRONCOS

Raydurzz have to come out swinging like crazy,  kick 3 epic field goals, play the game of their lives in the secondary, and get a kick return for a TD.  Otherwise it's the blow-out of the week and Manning has a field day with the Raydurzz shredded pass defense.   

NFL Doormat Predictions Week 4

This just might be the week that we make a place on the beer-stained, avocado couch for the New Orleans Saints (the Ain'ts). They have really turned around a winning team with one of the better swan dives in recent history. Slump down here, guys! Have some stale popcorn and a warm PBR.

This Saint might be back, and the Ain'ts might be back to the cellar.

And now it is time for the Doormat predictions in NFL Week 4.

Carolina- 24
Atlanta- 28

Seattle- 23
St. Louis- 3

Miami- 36
Arizona- 13

Minnesota- 18
Detroit- 10

San Diego- 21
Kansas City- 14

Cincinnati- 7
Jacksonville- 3

Washington- 18
Tampa Bay- 24

Oakland- 10
Denver- 36

New Orleans-0
Green Bay- 75

Gentleman, pop a cold one and make your predictions.

Brownies Retain Perfect Record

Ravens 23,  Browns 16

They did it.  It took the whole game, and two Hail Marys into the end zone at the end, but the Brownies pulled out the loss in Baltimore.   Brandon Weeden chips in an interception returned for a TD,  one of the grand prizes of Doormat quarterback play.   Joshua Cribbs gets hammered on a kick return, and leaves the game in the first quarter for good.  The Ravens know who to tackle hard.  

The Brownies,  one of the youngest teams in the league,  charged hard in this game.  Seven punts! But only one sack, and the Ravens got called for 11 penalties to only 7 for the Blank Helmets. They actually were close.   Their number #1 offensive threat, kicker Phil Dawson, nailed three field goals.   But, when all is said and done, it doesn't matter how many close games you play.  It's whether or not you lost the damn game.

And the Brownies are a perfect 0-4.   And today, nobody else can say that.  Not even the Aints.  For at least 4 days, anway.     

-wacko

Browns About to Get Smoked Again

Doormat Division:  NFL Week 4

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens!

Wow, it's only Week 4 of the Run to the Moldy Carpet, and the Cleveland Brownies are starting to shape up as THE team win an absolute minimum of games.   Already 0-3, the Brownies are still reeling from the loss of their star defensive back,  Joe Haden,  suspended for 4 games for a PED violation, which the gossip mill says was Adderall, a stimulant.   Have another bowl of Chomps, Joe...and just a coffee, please.

In his absence, the Brownies have given up 8 TD passes already, in contrast to 16 for the whole season last year.  Wow!  They're on pace to rack up 42 TD passes.  Pow!  Despite being in the running for the Moldy Carpet Trophy last year (the worst record in the league takes it),  Blank Helmet Football is reaching a kind of perfection that may set an all-time record.  Our pre-season pick to win it all is showing their qualities.

And now they have to play the Ravens in Baltimore on a short week.  Let's not forget the Ravens WERE the Browns, and the only time the Browns went to the Super Bowl was two years after they moved to Baltimore.   Are you feeling this, Cleveland?   Why isn't Brownie mascot Chomps biting more people?   It's desperation time, Brownies-  time to fire it up.  Maybe that's a poor choice of words.

On the offensive side of the ball,  rookie QB Brandon Weeden is the latest draft pick carefully chosen by the Cleveland Brownies highly sophisticated draft criteria.  Ready?  Only draft QBs who played for teams that wear ORANGE.  

Think I'm kidding?   Derek Anderson (Oregon State).  Orange.  Colt McCoy (Texas)  Orange.  Brandon Weeden (Oklahoma State)....ORANGE!!!   It's so simple it's stupid!

How's Brandon doing so far?

3 TD passes  (on pace to match last year)

6 interceptions (still struggling with color recognition).  

8 sacks (and they haven't faced a really scary rush yet)  -  that's 42 for the season.  

60.7 rating

Ok, OK!  He's not that bad.  He's a rookie.  We'll give him time.  But for THIS season, he's a doormat all-star, the classic rookie being thrown to the wolves because they don't have anybody else, except Agent 'Orange' Colt McCoy.

Tune in tonight to see the best the Doormat Division has to offer!

aaAAaaAAAnd that's the View from the Basement!!!! 

BASEMENT REFS ARE THE REAL DOORMATS

It's only Week 4, and it's no contest:  The Replacement Refs are the cream de la creme of crummy.  These guys and gals are making hard for a decent lousy team to lose properly.   I've seen more head scratching, looooooong moments under the hood, blown calls, and helmet to helmet tackling than I've seen in years.   Admit it, at this point, every single flag that gets thrown, you assume it's debatable.  

Apparently, some of the refs that were FIRED by the Lingerie League for incompetence are now officiating NFL games.   I guess that tells us just how extensive the 'pool' for replacement refs is.

read more on that:

http://deadspin.com/5946112/the-lingerie-football-league-announces-that-it-fired-a-couple-crews-which-apparently-are-now-officiating-in-the-nfl-because-of-incompetence?popular=true

Of course,  there may have been some distractions in those contests.  

THE ODDS

Say, anybody notice that the Seahawks not only won, but covered the point spread?  Vegas estimates are the swing was anywhere from $150 million to $250 million on THAT GAME ALONE.  C'mon you're already thinking about refs throwing games- aren't you?   Pete Carrol can't believe his luck!   

"we....won? sure....yeah, great.  Let's get off the field."

Maybe they should take a cue from the Lingerie League, and at least make it harder to argue with the refs.  I can't see Bill Belichick body bumping this ref.   Not if his wife is watching.

But, you know, Justice IS Blind, so it's all in the spirit of fairness, the American Way.

OK, Week 4 is almost here, and get ready for the most bumbling weekend of them all.   But please, save your loudest BOOS for the men and women in stripes.  They've earned it.

-Wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION: THE WORST OF THE NFL WEEK 3

RAGNAROK IN MINNEAPOLIS!!!!!

VIKINGS 24,  49ers  13

Ragnar was shaking the hands of the vanquished yesterday, and the gloating was never better.   Crowned the best team in the NFL by just about everybody last week, the 49ers waltz into MALL of AMERICA Field and get MAULED by supposedly the worst team in the NFC Central, the Minnesota Yikings.  

The Niners turn it over 3 times, the replacement officials make the Doormat proud as usual, and the Yikes do the smart thing early- rush Alex Smith right up the middle.   The Yikes make no turnovers, and the game was over as soon as the 49ers started believing the hype, which was probably last Tuesday.  Christian Ponder looked very sharp.

The Vikings always play the 49ers tough, and this was no exception.  The Vikes just barely lost their first two games, and now it looks like Detroit has to worry about staying out of the basement.  Let’s see what happens when divisional play starts up.

Hats off and a can of stale PBR raised sorta high to the Minnesota Vikings for pulling off the Upset of the Week!!   Enjoy it, Minnesota, who knows when you will win again?

GAME OF THE WEEK

JAGUARS 22,  COLTS 17

 OK, that’s enough of that winning stuff.   Yesterday’s tilt in Indy was the marquee Doormat game.  It didn’t disappoint. Let’s cut to the second half, where the wheels came off, with the Dolts leading 14-3.

 The Gaguars tried valiantly to keep the scoring to field goals only, but the Dolts secondary counters with a total lack of communication, busting Maurice Jones-Drew free for a 59-yard jaunt in the third quarter.  TD!  The Dolts respond with an interception from Andrew Luck- he’s starting to get the hang of those- and the Jags mortar-fire in a 47 yard prayer of a FG to make it 14-13, still managing to keep the Dolts in the lead.  

Undaunted, the Dolts punt immediately.  As the 3^rd quarter wanes, the Gags start a ‘drive’ on their own 15, and the Dolts pull a 3-penalty defense, hauling the Gags butts over the 50-yard line and deep into Dolts territory.  The Gags counter with their own penalty, but it was no match for the Dolts strategy.   The Gags finally dig in their heels and stop the drive at the Indy 8.   They have no choice but to kick the field goal and TAKE THE LEAD,  16-14.   

The Gags then counter with some porous defense, and a perfectly timed Unnecessary Roughness yellow hanky, landing the Dolts way down at the Gags 22.   3 inept plays later, the Dolts line up for a field goal, but it’s dangerously close, so they take the Delay of Game penalty, and Vinatieri has enough room to shank the damn thing into the locker room tunnel.    Whew!  Gags still up 16-14.

Then, 3 hard fought punts later, the Gags open up a lane for Luck and D. Brown scampers down to the Jacksonville 28.  Only 1:33 left.   The Gags use up every single timeout, trying to look earnest, and guide the Dolts down to the 19, and no delay of game shenanigans this time from Indy (you can’t do that twice it’s too obvious), and Vinatieri trys to shank it, but connects and the ball just scrapes past the left upright. 

Dolts 17- Gags 16.  

Fifty-six seconds left and no timeouts.  Game over right?  Not even close.   The Dolts have the secret weapon- their circus of a defensive secondary.  Only these guys can ‘lose track’ of a short crossing route and turn it into the longest play of the game.  Blaine Gabbert dumps a shorty over the middle to Cecil Shorts III, and Shorts has no place to go but ALL THE WAY.    Gags blow the 2-point conversion, dangling the tantalizing chance of still losing right there for everyone to gawk at.  Gags 22- Dolts 17

45 ticks left.   The Gags show what their made of on the kick-off, getting the Dolts out to the Indy 38.  Luck then makes a desperate heave that connects all the way down to the Gags 26.   Just think, if Vinatieri had made that earlier field goal, all they gotta do is try another.  What planning.  Instead, Luck gets to try his first consecutive NFL Hail-Marys, all for nought, and the Dolts nail down the loss.

WHAT A GAME!!

TOTAL STINKER

CHARGERS 3,  FALCONS 27

 The Chargers check in with the #1 Doormat performance of the week, even if they are 2-1.  Hey, it’s early yet.  Give them time.   4 turnovers (2 and 2) and that just killed any sort of momentum at all.  Why punt when you can just give it back!  When did Philip Rivers start randomly yelling at people, do you suppose?  Imagine him tailgating you on the freeway.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

CHIEFS 27, SAINTS 24  (OT)

 New Orleans turns in the best Come From Ahead Loss we've seen in ages.  Leading 24-6 late in the 3rd quarter, the Aints start the comeback by getting Jamaal Charles (288 yards rushing) to streak down the field on a 91-yard romp.  Then the Cheaps do it the cheapest way possible, by adding on 3 field goals and a SAFETY.  Good Grief!!  The Aints (0-3!!!!) get only 14 first downs,  punt 6 times (ok it’s not Brownie numbers, but still),  amass a meager 288 yards, and show some serious hospitality to the Cheaps, giving them 510 yards of rug.  In OT, the Aints score a touchdown on a fumble return, but the call gets reversed and KC kicks a field goal and the AINTS are the only winless team in the NFC.   Next loss:  at Green Bay.  Desperation time.   

BEARS 23,  RAMS 6

 Lambs QB Sam Bradford throws 35 times, gets intercepted twice (one for a TD),  sacked six, and piles up an impressive 101 yards.  Chicago counters with 1 offensive touchdown and a pile of field goals.  They are no match for the Lambs losing machine.  Lambs clean UP in the statistical categories this week (see below.)

CARDINALS 27,  EAGLES 6

 The Crudinals, picked by many to be the class of the Doormat NFC teams, are 3-0 and in first in the NFC West.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are 2-1 but I dunno, man.   Michael Vick can really do the killer fumble, and he’s on pace to set a record if he keeps this up.   He loses two more yesterday, and, once again, the Eagles don’t play up to their expected potential.  Maybe they need to dial it down a little.  

The last time the Crudinals were 3-0, Jim Hart was QB, Terry Metcalf was at RB and Mel Gray was going long. 

 TITANS 44,  LIONS 41  (OT)

These teams combined for 46 points in the 4^th quarter yesterday.  That’s insane.  This morning, they are both 1-2 and looking like candidates to get blown out by the good teams.   The Lions are finding creative ways to lose.  They have a porous defense.  They dig holes and have to climb out of them.   The Kittens pile up 583 yards of offense, and lose.   Tennessee punted ONCE.

BILLS 24,  BROWNS  14

 The Brownies were in this game.  But they weren’t going to let the Nils break the streak.   Rookie Brandon Weeden checks in with 2 more INTs, bringing him to 6 for the season against 3 TDs.   That’s Doormat all-star numbers.  Eight punts for the Brownies.  Ball goes up….ball goes down…ball goes up…   Next loss:  Thursday in Baltimore.

RAIDERS 34,   STEELERS 31

 Raydurzz get up off the mat, and with the Black Hole screaming like crazy, and the game inexplicably on TV locally, the Silver and Black avert going down the Black Hole for the rest of the season.  Stay tuned.

COWBOYS 16, BUCANNEERS 10

 The Bootineers might have the worst offense in the league.  12 first downs,  166 total yards.  Get out the orange unis!!  December 23^rd-  Lambs vs. Boots.  Could decide the whole Moldy Carpet for the NFC. 

JETS 23,  DOLPHINS  (OT)

 Was every game in overtime yesterday?   The Floppers were up against it yesterday, as the Jets-Bills-Flops battle in the east is going to make it tough to lose a ton.  But they still got it done.  Now they have to worry about New England, who pulled out another loss yesterday.

BENGALS 38, REDSKINS 31        

 The last time the Deadskins were 1-2 this early in the season was…2010.  Even with RGB III in there, the Deadskins are showing consistency.   Bungles 2-1.  They went 9-7 last year.  They haven’t had two straight winning seasons since 1980-81.  I kid you not.  They have a LONG way to go.

THE WORST STATS NFL WEEK 3 2012

Points:                        3                        Chargers

First downs:            12                        Rams,  Bucs

Total yards:            160                        Rams

Rush:                        33                        Brownies

Pass:                        91                        Bucs

Turnovers:            4                        Chargers

Sacked:            6                        Rams, Reddskins

Punts:                        8                        Browns, Bucs, Redskins

Penalties:            14                        Ravens (and they WON)

Time of poss:            23:45                        Raiders (edging the Chargers by 1 second).

aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!           

Doormat Division Week 3 Preview

WORST OF THE NFL WEEK  3,  2012

Remember, the team with the best chance to LOSE has the edge

GAME OF THE WEEK

Kansas City Chiefs at New Orleans Saints

They did an exhumation in a boggy cemetery in New Orleans last week.   Curiosity got the better of the faithful, and they just had to see for themselves if the AINT wasn’t in the box anymore.  They’re buying monkey hands and doing the voodoo and dodging the gris-gris like crazy this week in New Orleans, but help is on the way.

The Cheaps are coming to the Big Easy!   They Cheaps did some probing of their own this week only to discover that their players are, in fact, meatheads.  The smoked barbecue flavor is excellent, by the way.  These two teams are tied for the lead in points allowed, so something’s gotta give.  It’s the Cheaps. 

The generous nature of Midwesterners comes to N.O. just in time.  

EDGE:  CHEAPS

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS  at  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Well, they didn't have to do any probing in Jacksonville.   When you've got a hole in your head the size of a....football,  there's not much to go looking for.   Also noted this week that many of the players did not actually have bodies, but were just pants with no-one inside them.  

Which is scary if you have to go picking snide in the middle of the night in a snide field nine miles wide.   The Gaguars defensive secondary is going to feel like they are covering a nine mile wide field against Andrew Luck.

EDGE:   GAGUARS

BUFFALO BILLS at CLEVELAND BROWNS

The good people of Cleveland were given a ray of hope last week in the nuclear winter of Cleveland sports.   An offense showed up on the Brownie side of the ball.   This threatens the Brownie Blank Helmet offense to the point where they are in serious danger of winning this game.  It's all up to Ryan Fitzpatrick, and which team he decides to throw the ball to.

EDGE:  EVEN

PITTSBURGH STEELERS at  OAKLAND RAIDERS

The Steelers demonstrated last week that they aren't a bunch of cupcakes just yet.   The Raydurzzzzz showed that they are.   With the depleted defensive secondary now decimated with injuries and the linebacking scene stretched to the point of cheap toilet paper from Costco,  the Raydurzz have one last chance at self-respect, and then they can start mailing it in.  Raydurzz the surprise disaster of the season (they look WAY worse than the Aints).    

EDGE:  Rrrrrrrrraydurz!

DETROIT LIONS at  TENNESSEE TITANS

Coming off yet another grinding loss to the 49ers, the Lions pull into Memphis and get ready to torch the Titanics.   The Titanics so far are outperforming all doormats- lowest points scored (23) and biggest point differential (49).   They're ALREADY mailing it in. 

EDGE:  TITANICS   

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

SAN FRANCISCO 49ers  at  MINNESOTA VIKINGS

YIKES....and away!!!


STIFF OF THE WEEK

ST. LOUIS LAMBS at CHICAGO BEARS

I am only calling this the Stiff of the Week because I forgot to assign it to anybody else.
The Bears found out last week just how far they are from being competitive in their own division, and now they have to contend with a perennial doormat that is actually trying to become a football team.
If the Lambs have any kind of pass rush, they can get Jay Cutler backpedaling and heaving footballs in random directions all day long.  If they don't, they get torched.

EDGE:  LAMBS

aaaaAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!

NFL Predictions Week 3: Doormat Style

Cam Newton (left) just after signing with the Pansies.

It's going to be an interesting Doormat Thursday Night Football as Cam Newton and the 1-1 Carolina Pansies take on the 1-1 NY Giants--a team that should be losing, but somehow keeps winning anyway. Last Sunday, Newton gave up on his receivers and opted for the upfield scramble as the primary source of yardage. It worked and the Pansies came away with a win against New Orleans, a team teetering on Doormat status. Will the Pansies win again? Will they get to the third step on the long stairway out of the basement? Will the Giants finally decide to behave like the mediocre team everyone says they should be? Or will Eli Manning work magic again? Who knows. But with a spin of the sticky-with-beer-it-don't-work-no-more remote, the Oracle predicts:

New York Giants- 38
Carolina Pansies-31

And the rest of the predictions....

St. Louis- 3
Chicago- 24

Buffalo- 28
Cleveland-0

Tampa Bay- 17
Dallas- 24

Detroit- 36
Tennessee- 10

Jacksonville- 7
Indianapolis- 16
(Stiff of the Week)

New York Jets- 10
Miami- 17

San Francisco- 35
Minnesota- 0
(Yikes!)

Kansas City- 12
New Orleans- 10
(Gonna be a great Doormat game. Ain't try Voodoo, but it doesn't work.)

Philadelphia- 24
Arizona- 12

Pittsburgh- 21
Oakland- 3

Cincinnati- 14
Washington- 17

Gentleman, open a beer, and make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION: WORST OF THE NFL WEEK 2

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 2 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL!!

Wading through the empty Pabst and Green Death cans this morning, which always makes me nostalgic for fall,  I realized that this is what it must feel like playing the Raiders, Chiefs and Titans defenses.  The cans look formidable, but actually have almost no mass.   Just keep moving forward, and the obstacles fall away to the sides, and it’s clear sailing all the way to the end zone….or the broom closet/office here in the basement.

We have some Doormats who stepped up yesterday- BIG TIME.

DOLPHINS 35  RAIDERS 13

Take a look at this handy chart in this morning’s San Francisco Chronicle.  The ‘Little Man’ reviews movies, mostly, but he makes a cameo each week for the Raiders and 49ers.  If he really likes something he is falling out of his seat applauding and spilling his popcorn.  He isn’t even in his CHAIR for three of these.  He is slightly bemused for the Special Teams.   He’s ASLEEP for the offense.   Last week, the chair wasn’t even there for the special teams.  

This was supposed to be a Doormat classic, but the Raydurzz made it a no-doubter quickly, while the Floppers suddenly look like a football team.  If only they had PLAYED a football team yesterday- then we’d have some way of judging.   Raydurz go 1-12 on 3^rd downs, get ONE first down rushing with offensive juggernaut Darren McFadden, playing with the finest swiss cheese posing as linemen that money can buy, amassing 23 yards.  Actually, that’s the total running game…crawling game.

The Raydurzzz are missing on all cylinders, are a solid 0-2, and shouldn’t get tested until Oct. 21^st against Jacksonville, followed by another contender,  the Cheaps.   Thank goodness next week’s game is at home- the Silver and Blacked Out can concentrate in the no-TV privacy of their own coliseum, aptly named O.co.    The city of Oakland can pretend it’s just not there.  They already do for the A’s, and they’re winning.  Next loss:  Steelers

CHARGERS 38,  TITANS 10

The Titanics (0-2) are back on our masthead,  and they really brought it yesterday, with 9 first downs, 212 Total yards,  7 punts and only 16:21 minutes time of possession!!!  That’s a RECORD in our 4 years of Doormat Stat keeping.   These guys are flying under the radar…six feet under.  Next loss:  Detroit

TEXANS 27 JAGUARS 7

The Gaguars (0-2) bring home their usual workman-like job, nothing flashy, but a solid loss.   They really cleaned up in the stats department: 9 first downs,  lowest point total for the week,  117 total yards, NINE punts and a meager 18 minutes time of possession.  Good luck losing to these guys. Next loss:  Colts

BILLS 35, CHIEFS 17

The real score of this game is Buffalo 75, Cheaps 3.   It’s been downsized so the city of Kanas City can swallow it.  Cheaps get two CHEAP meaningless scores late, and give up all the meaningful scores early.   The Cheaps outgain the Bills, get more first downs, but more than make up for it with another day of fumbles, INTs and a special teams unit that puts new meaning in the word ‘special.’   Look out for these guys.  Next loss:  New Orleans (gonna be tough)

BENGALS 34,  BROWNS 27

Really?  The Brownies scored 27 points?!?  439 yards of offense?!?  No interceptions?!?

But they still lost, right?  OK, fine then.  The Brownies highest yardage total all of last year was 335, and that was against the Rams.  Look out!  Rookie QB Brandon Weedon- every other person is now named Brandon- plays a fine game, but keeps it real, and brings home the losing for the DOA experience that is sports in Cleveland, Ohio.  However, if they keep up this kind of offensive showboating, they are going to win some games and even threaten their chances of staying in the 10-loss club.  Next Loss:  Buffalo

GIANTS 41, BUCCANNEERS 34

The Bootineers (1-1) get on the right side of losing with a stupendous flame-out, allowing 25 fourth quarter points and coming into the basement with a head-first slide.   Right under the sofa and into the possum nest.  5 interceptions between the two teams, and, honest, a really wild finish.  Boots give up 510 yards passing! These guys look headed for mediocrity.  That’s not good enough in the Doormat.

RAMS 31 REDSKINS 28

What better way to learn about losing for RGB III than to blow one to the Lambs?  There isn’t.   The masters of the bumbling NFL loss still manage 3 turnovers, but it’s not enough and the Deadskin’s Josh Morgan whips out the killer personal foul penalty in the waning seconds, pushing his team back to the Mississippi to try a field goal as time expired.  Today, the Rams were no match for the crafty Deadskinks.   Good God, the Lambs won a game.

PANTHERS 35, SAINTS 27

Resident drummer and prognosticator Elvis predicted the Aints (0-2) would get off to a horrible start, and he’s looking like a genius now.  I think the preseason questions about whether they’ll miss their suspended coach have been asnswered.  They can still score, but the defense is LOST.   The AINTS are back!

COLTS 23 VIKINGS 20

I knew it was going to be tough, but the Yikings (1-1) get it done.  Utilizing both the killer and costly penalty, the Yikes bumble their way to a futile comeback game.  The Colts are teetering on respectability, but don’t lose faith yet.  It’s not every week they play the Yikings.  However, next week the Dolts get the Gaguars, it’s gonna be tough to not have a winning record by this time next week.  The Yikes are through the tough part of the schedule, and now can most likely start a string of losses, starting next week with those white-wine pansies from California, the 49ers.

CARDINALS 20, PATRIOTS 18

Ah, I enjoyed this one yesterday, as did a lot of people, I’m sure.  The Crudinals (2-0) get only 245 total yards, lose two fumbles, pile up a meager 16 first downs, but come away with the win in Foxboro.  Woo-Hoo!!  Next team they sneak up on:  Eagles

THE WORST NFL STATS FOR WEEK 2, 2012

Points:               7            Jaguars, Cowboys

First downs:       9           Jaguars, Titans

Total yards:        117       Jaguars

Rushing:            23          Raiders

Passing:            52           Jaguars

Turnovers:         3            Chiefs, Giants

Sacked:            6              Bengals

Punts                  9            Jaguars

Penalties:        11-105      Vikings

Time of poss:   16:21       Titans

Game of the Week

Game of the Week:  Raiders @ Dolphins

The big question on everybody's mind is.....actually, there isn't one.   Here in the fog of the Basement,  the Raiders are on the road, which means:  The GAME WILL ACTUALLY BE ON TV.   In the land of the Silver and Blacked out, home games are a rumor.   Of course, after last Monday's incredible embarrassment festival,  perhaps the Silver and Blacked Out are smarter than we think.   I almost choked on my Lucky Charms after writing that.

Now that it's been established that the Raiders have Darren McFadden and nothing else,  how long will Carson Palmer try to be a game manager and not just start heaving the ball 40 yards downfield into a school of Dolphins?   He's going to fall dangerously behind in the Interception King race if he doesn't get on the stick.

The Floppers, however, counter with rookie QB Ryan Tannehill, who racked up 3 interceptions last week in a solid Doormat debut.  That will be harder to do against the Raydurzzz because the Raydurzzzzzz fired their ENTIRE defensive backfield shortly before the season began and replaced it with guys that might have trouble making the Colts.   

The Flops may be onto something, whereas the Raydurz are just stepping in it.

Advantage:   Dead Even.   Whoever loses this game is on their way.

NFL Week Two (2) Doormat Predictions

The neon Blitz Beer light in the basement is out, guys....

Just when you thought you could relax on the barcalounger with a good cigar, it's time to engage your brain for predictions for NFL week two in the Doormat Division. The Oracle from the Basement picks:

Kansas City- 12
Buffalo- 21

Cleveland- 7
Cincinnati- 9
(This might be the game of the week or at least the stiff of the week.)

Minnesota- 12
Indianapolis- 24
(No, this might be the game of the week)

Oakland- 17
Miami-19
(Hmm, this might be the game of the week)

Arizona- 10
New England- 54
(Blowout of the week)

New Orleans- 21
Carolina- 14

Houston- 36
Jacksonville- 3

Washington- 9
St. Louis- 0
(Hey, this might be the game of the week)

Tampa Bay- 17
New York Giants- 14
(Shocker of the week)

Detroit- 31
San Francisco- 36
(Not a Doormat game, but man this might really be the game of the week)

No matter how you spin the turkey, this is going to be one great week in the basement. Fire up the nacho machine and put your quarts of Stag beer on ice. It's going to be a great Sunday.

Monday Night Fright in Oakland!!

Chargers 22,  Raiders 14

Hold it.  Hold everything.

 I’m sorry, Cleveland, but the greatest Doormat performance of the weekend was tonight.   Make room in the Basement, sports fans, here come the Rayduuurrrrrrzzzz.

In a memorable unparalleled Monday Night roll-out of Doormat potential realized, the Oakland Raydurz  pull out all the stops.   Sure, the bonehead penalties were there- that’s a given- but 3 completely bungled punts?  Muffed reverses?  Humongous losses on running plays?

Passes to the Gatorade guy on the sideline?  This kind of embarrassment has only one explanation:  Organizational Un-Planning.  

And let’s give credit where credit is due:  the Chargers aren’t exactly cavier and champagne.   The Raydur defense, which is actually not bad, held the Charge-its to 5 field goals and a TD, often having to go to work at their own 10 where the Chargers were gifted the spheroid.  The Raydurz had to really work to blow this one, and they did everything in the book.

But wait- the Raydurz actually scored a TD at the end of the game, kicked an on-side kick and….never mind.  Disappointing, those late, pointless TDs.  Raydurz coulda clocked in with just 6 points.

Look out, Kansas City, you don’t get to just sink to the bottom of the AFC West without a fight.  Game on!!!!

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

 Baltimore Ravens 44,  Cincinatti Bungles  13

Well, I spoke too soon yesterday.   Bungles get torched by 31 points, and look poised to do their usual yo-yo-  follow up a winning season with a losing one.   The Basement is one crowded place tonight.   

Doormat Division Week 1 Wrap Up and Drive Into the Turf

AND THEY’RE OFF!!!

It was one of the most amazing Week 1 blast-offs (and crash-landings) ever yesterday for the Doormat Division and the whole NFL.  31 total interceptions, which eclipsed any weekend last year, and there are still 2 games to go!  And with Carson Palmer and Philip  Rivers flinging into the night tonight, who knows where it will all end?

Leading the way in the early going was last year’s interception king Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Buffalo Nils, who threw three in the first half, and cashed in one for a touchdown.  Obviously, though, QBs looked at the stats over the summer and the competition is going to be incredible:  Michael Vick and Brandon Weedon (Brownies) threw 4 each,  and Matt Stafford got 3 in before Lion’s fans had found their seats.  The Dolts and Floppers each chipped in 3 as well, so OBVIOUSLY it’s going to take something special to be the interception king this year.  

Toss in the replacement officials, and this is shaping up to be a storybook year for the Doormat.

Let’s get to the games!

Denver Broncos 31, Pittsburgh Steelers 19

Why is this game even here?  Because this may be the year that ol’ Big Ben can’t quite get of his own way.  5 Sacks in game 1 after last year’s humbling playoff defeat to…the Denver Broncos.  2 in a row to the same team.   Yes, Peyton Manning is there, without the bug wings and tapenade,  but still.  Not a good sign.

Keep an eye on these guys- how low can they go?  What’s a good Doormat name for the Steelers?  The Stöllen?  The Aluminum Foil?  The Tinsmiths?

Detroit Lions 27  St. Louis Rams 23

It was like old times at the Kat Box yesterday, and the Kittens nearly brought home the misery, you could SMELL it, but they were up against the champs, so not even 3 INTs and a lotta replacement official bumbling could bring them the loss.  The Lambs are just too much- and their expert final defensive ‘stand’ yielded the crucial go-head TD for Detroit, with a mere :10 seconds left on the clock, and no chance for the Lions to blow it.   Amazing.   What do ya gotta do against these guys??

Are these guys laughing?

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Tampa and Carolina brought home a real stiff yesterday,  with a parade of field goals and some seriously boring football, but we have to go with:

Eagles 17, Browns 16

Glad to see the Brownies take the honors this week, as both teams combine for a lofty EIGHT interceptions and FIVE fumbles!!   That’s a SLUF-GEST, folks, where nobody wants the damn ball.   Brownies check in with only 12 first downs and 210 total yards, and no offensive TD. Despite the 4 interceptions, they still get off 7 punts.  Folks, that's Hall of Fame kind of performance. The Eagles may have been bad, but the Brownies are professionals. So, even the late interception return for a Brownies TD, and the lead, was not going to do it.   Brownies guide the Eagles into end zone with 1:18 remaining, and the home crowd prepares itself for another season of Blank Helmet Football.   Cream of the Doormat.

BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK

This is a tough call, because a log-jam of 20-point losses crowd the landscape. 

Houston Texans 30,  Miami Dolphins 10

The Floppers take it, because they had lowest point total (even though the Titans lost by 21).   Miami started some guy named Tannehill at QB and he cashed in 3 INTs.  Bing!  Fumbled 3 times.  Bing!   And did not score an offensive TD.  BONG!

Floppers dive to the bottom of the AFC East just like that.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Cardinals 20,  Seahawks 16

Another game nobody wanted, right down to the final mangled attempt at a red-zone score with seconds remaining for the Seahags.  Even the extra time-out from the replacement officials could not sway the Seahag strategy.  This is Coach Carrol we’re talking about here.   The Crudinals, a team with so much Doormat promise, cannot withstand losing their starting quarterback and a motivated back-up.  Game-Set-Match to the guys from Grayville.   That NFC West is going to be tough.  49ers will have a 17 game lead at the end of the season.

Minnesota 26,  Jacksonville 23  (OT)

Somebody  had to win.

Falcons 40,  Chiefs  24

This game was tied 17-17 at one point.  That must seem like a long time ago to the Cheaps.  

Bears 41,  Colts 21

OK, I watched this one.   Andrew Luck is going to be good.  He’s also going to get hammered and have about .10 seconds to throw on most downs.   Let’s see how he’s doing in 7 weeks, after getting intimate with every rug in the NFL he plays on.  Think Jim Plunkett and the Boston Patriots.  The Dolts still have what I have to describe as a hilarious defense.  The DBs have some sort of ‘fire drill’ pattern that borders on slapstick.   This takes practice, and the Dolts still have the losing touch.   Luck or no Luck, these guys can LOSE.

Bucs 16, Panthers  10

The Bootineers Losing Culture Club must be in shock here.  Against all expectations, and with so much preparation, the Boots win the game,  and I get to say Pansies again!  Woo-Hoo!

Bucs snap the 10-game losing skid.   Now they just have to start another.

Jets 48,  Bills 28

Wow.  QB Ryan Fitzpatrick picks up where he left off last year and the Nils look like the same team that ended up 6-10 last year.   Of course, next week the Jets could lose by 30.

Extra note:  keep an eye on the New Orleans Saints.  They still have a wild offense, but they just may have a disaster brewing on defense.  RGB III is obviously going to be great, and the Shanaplan is coming to fruition, but some of those 40 points from the Deadskins falls squarely on the Aint’s defense.

NFL 2012 WEEK 1  Amazing Lows

Points:                     10            Dolphins,  Panthers

First Downs            12            Browns

Yards:                      210            Browns

Rush:                       23            Titans

Pass:                        111            Browns

Sacked                     5            Steelers

INT                          4            Eagles, Browns

Punts                        7            Browns  (how do you punt 7 times when you throw 4 INTs??)

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!